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If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

-Stephen Colbert

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Stephen Colbert

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If This Is Going To Be A Christian Nation That Doesn't Help The Poor, Either We Have To Pretend That Jesus Was Just As Selfish As We Are, Or We've Got To Acknowledge That He Commanded Us To Love The Poor And Serve The Needy Without Condition And Then Admit That We Just Don't Want To Do It.

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Researchers From Britain's Keele University Have Found That Swearing After An Injury May Help Alleviate Pain. Evidently, The Pain That You Feel Is Inversely Proportional To The Number Of Middle Names You Give Jesus.

Odyssey Dawn? That's Not A Military Operation. That's A Carnival Cruise Ship.

My Grandfather Did Not Travel Across 4,000 Miles Of The Atlantic Ocean To See This Country Overrun By Immigrants. He Did It Because He Killed A Man Back In Ireland.

They Said You Can't Go To The Moon. They Said You Can't Put Cheese Inside A Pizza Crust, But Nasa Did It. They Had To, Because The Cheese Kept Floating Off In Space.

We All Know Why [the Generals] Are So Critical Of The Defense Secretary. They're Being Defensive Because They Weren't Able To Implement His Brilliant Plan [on Screen: Operation 'greet Us As Liberators']. It Was So Simple: Go In With 100,000 Troops, Topple The Regime, Everybody Loves Us, And We Leave By Easter 2003. These Ex-military Men Have Their Right To Their Opinions, That's Fine. They Just Shouldn't Voice Them During A War [on Screen: 'loose Lips Sink Approval Ratings']

If You Love Friends, You Will Serve Your Friends. If You Love Community, You Will Serve Your Community. If You Love Money, You Will Serve Your Money. And If You Love Only Yourself, You Will Serve Only Yourself. And You Will Have Only Yourself.

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