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What Appealed To Me Was The Intimacy Of The Medium, The Fact That I Was Doing It From My Home, And The Fact That I Wanted To Talk. I Was Not There To Plug Things. I Don't Do A Hell Of A Lot Of Research. I Go On A Sort Of Kindred-spirit Bonding That Preexists The Interview, And Just See What Unfolds.

-Marc Maron

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What Appealed To Me

Marc Maron

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What Appealed To Me Was The Intimacy Of The Medium, The Fact That I Was Doing It From My Home, And The Fact That I Wanted To Talk. I Was Not There To Plug Things. I Don't Do A Hell Of A Lot Of Research. I Go On A Sort Of Kindred-spirit Bonding That Preexists The Interview, And Just See What Unfolds.

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I Just Wanted To Be A Good Comic And Had No Sense Of Show Business, But At Some Point You Want The Opportunity To Write A Show About Your Life.

Faith In The Face Of Disappointment Is Only Enhanced By Laughter In The Face Of Pain.

What Comics Sacrifice And What Lives They Live - I Know That Most Of Their Lives, Their Adult Lives, They're Sitting Around Or Walking Around With Notebooks, Writing Things Down. Usually They're Fairly Sensitive. Usually They're Very Bright. And That Makes Them Poets.

I Remember Seeing Richard Pryor's First Movie; It Was A Midnight Movie When I Was In High School. I Must Have Been About Fifteen. It Was One Of The Most Cathartic Experiences Of My Life. I'd Never Laughed That Much.

It May Have Lost Its Special-ness Forever And The Clubs Might Not Being Doing Well But I Think Standup Is In The Best Shape It Has Been In A Long Time.

We Live In An Age Where People Are Like, "i'd Love To Catch Up. Maybe Text Me Later? But Don't Call Because I Don't Really Listen To My Messages. But If You Text Me..." We've Displaced Interaction Into Sound Bites And Untethered Phrases And Sentences That Come Up On The Phone As Twitter Feed.

Americans Don't Understand Irony? I Am An Intelligent Person Living In The United States. My Entire Existence Is Ironic.

There's Something About Cats' Self-sufficiency And Their Seemingly Individualistic Ways That I Find Compelling.

On Some Level Any Appearance On Television Can Be Seen As A Product Endorsement.

I Once Talked About Wanting To Kill Myself, But I Don't Think I Was Ever Really Planning On Doing It. It Was Just Comforting To Know That I Could.

My Cats, The Ones That I Have, Were Feral When I Found Them So The Relationship That I Have With Them 10 Years In Is Very Mutual, Earned, And Evolved Over Time. It Was Never An Easy Thing. I Like That They Have A Certain Distance And Have Their Own Sense Of Selves.

Jokes Do Finish Themselves. I Really Do See Them As Ongoing Conversations About Personal Themes That I Ruminate On.

The Next Evolutionary Step Is Into The Screen.

I'm Proud To Be Part Of A Generation Where Reading Is A 'look.'

Buying My Wife A Gun Sort Of Like Me Saying, ' You Know, I Kinda Want To Kill Myself, But I Want It To Be A Surprise'.

There's This Whole Post-modern, Nuevo Beatnik, Retro-bohemian Thing Going On, You Know What I Mean? You Walk Into Some Coffee Shops, And It Feels Like You're An Ex-patriot In Paris In The 20s. You're Like, 'hey, Isn't That A Young Ernest Hemingway Over There? Yeah, I Think It Is! Hey, Let's Go Have A Look And See What He's Writing... It's A Gap Application.'

Jerusalem Syndrome Is Actually A Rare Psychological Condition That Occurs To Some Visitors To The Middle East. They Get To Israel And Just Snap.

In Most Cases The Only Difference Between Depression And Disappointment Is Your Level Of Commitment.

It's Not All About Love. That's Half Of It... The Other Half Is About That Moment You Have With Yourself When You're Looking In The Mirror, And You Just Go, 'oh Man. I'm Going To Compromise My Dreams, Get Fat, Sick, Old And Die Someday. I Kind Of Want To Have Someone Around For That.'

Most Of The Comics That I Talk To I've Never Talked To For More Than Ten Minutes Ever. So 95 Percent Of The Time You're Really Hearing The First Conversation Between Me And That Guy On The Podcast.

I Have A Very Primitive Sense That If I Just Turn On A Radio Or The Television, That Somebody's Playing That Stuff For Me.

We’re Built To Deal With Death, Disease, Failure, Struggle, Heartbreak, Problems. It’s What Separates Us From The Animals And Why We Envy And Love Animals So Much. We’re Aware Of It All And Have To Process It. The Way We Each Handle Being Human Is Where All The Good Stories, Jokes, Art, Wisdom, Revelations, And Bullshit Come From.

You Get All Excited To Give Her The Ring, And It's Real Emotional, And You Give It To Her, And She Cries. And A Second Later, You're Like, 'damn, I Could Have Had A Car.'

The Truth Is, I Can’t Read Anything With Any Distance. Every Book Is A Self-help Book To Me. Just Having Them Makes Me Feel Better.

When You Commit Your Life To Something And It Doesn't Work Out, It Is A Tough Place To Be. Suicide Can Be The Spiritual Reprieve Of A Faithless Person. I Knew I Could Always Just End It, And There Was Solace In That.

The Bile Makes It Better. I Am An Information Wasting Machine - 100s Of Words A Day.

There Are A Lot Of Things That I'm Allowing Myself To Be, But It's A Conscious Effort To Experience Contentment For Me. My Brain Doesn't Do That Naturally. I'm Very Overwhelmed All Of The Time.

One Thing I'm Grateful For, And Also Surprised And Excited About, Is That I Have A Place In The Community Of Comics Now. In A Real Way. And I Honor That. A Lot Of What I Do Is In Support Of The Community And Bringing New Talent - Talking To People That People Don't Know. And Defining Us As A Community.

Most Of My Comedy Writing Happens Through Improvisation On Stage; Doing It In The Moment. Going Up With An Idea And Fleshing It Out Over Time On Stage And In Front Of People Until It Becomes A Full Bit.

I Look At Every Book As A Self-help Book.

Well, Evolution's Just A Theory.' And, I'm Thinking To Myself, 'well, Thank Goodness Gravity's A Law.'

I Didn't Know That People Compared Bill Hicks And I But Certainly I'm Flattered If They Do. I Knew Bill A Bit. We Had Dinner A Couple Of Times And Played Guitar Together Once. I Really Tried To Keep My Distance From Him Professionally.

I'm Not A Racist. It's Really Case By Case; It's Not Ethnicity Specific. It's Just The Way I React To Things That Are Different. I Think That's Normal. Everyone's Nervous When They're Confronted With Things That They Don't Understand Or Are Different. That's A Normal Human Reaction. It Doesn't Become Racist 'til You Say Things Like, 'oh, There's A Lot Of Them.'

I Seem To Offend Everybody. I Just Never Got Into The Universe. I Don't Seem To Have A Tremendous Amount Of Discipline Or Patience With Having To Follow A Story That Is Really Multi-leveled And Science-fiction.

That’s The Big Challenge Of Life—to Chisel Disappointment Into Wisdom So People Respect You And You Don’t Annoy Your Friends With Your Whining.

The Way I Figure It, If You Can't Tell I'm High By Looking At Me, I Win.

If You Can't Afford The Good Food Or If You Can't Afford Health Care Or If You Don't Have A Job Or If Your Car Is Dangerous Because You Can't Get It Fixed And You Die, You Just Lost The Game-bzzzzz-thanks For Playing Extreme Capitalism.

When You're A Kid, You Always Feel You Have This Weird Kindred-spirit Thing With Other Jews, Until You Get Older And You Realize It's Just Middle-class Bourgeois Jews That Sort Of Fit A Template That Your Family Fits Into One Way Or Another.

For My Next Trick I Will Make Everyone Understand Me.

Comics Seemed To Have A Handle On Things. They Could Sort Of Disarm And Get Control Over Reality. I Found It Very Comforting To Laugh.

Have You Ever Had One Of Those Moments When You Look Up And Realize That You're One Of Those People You See On The Train Talking To Themselves?

I Believe In God... Just In Case. It's Like There's Some List Somewhere And You Don't Want To Be On It. I Don't Want To Say There's No God! And Then Die And Say, Oh, Hi... Is There Some Kind Of Community Service I Can Do?

My Favorite Part Is Being Engaged With Somebody's Story And Life, And Getting A Laugh With People I Have A Tremendous Amount Of Respect For Or Not, And Being Challenged By The Immediacy Of Conversation.

Art Is Supposed To Punch You In The Brain, And It's Supposed To Stay Punched.

I Live In Los Angeles, I Know It Exists. I Know You're Not Supposed To Taste Air.

God Doesn't Seem To Talk To People Like He Used To. Who's He Talking To Now? I Don't Know. Then I'm Walking Down The Street In Manhattan One Day, And I Realize Maybe It's Those Guys You See Walking Down The Street Talking To Themselves. You Know, Those Guys That Are Like, 'i Can't! No, I Can't!' Maybe The Other Side Of That Conversation Is God Going, 'you're The New Leader.' 'no I Can't!' They're Not Crazy - They're Reluctant Prophets.

It Amazes Me That We Are All On Twitter And Facebook. By "we" I Mean Adults. We're Adults, Right? But Emotionally We're A Culture Of Seven-year-olds. Have You Ever Had That Moment When Are You Updating Your Status And You Realize That Every Status Update Is Just A Variation On A Single Request: "would Someone Please Acknowledge Me?

I Used To Do A Lot Of Drugs. I Didn't Stop Because I Didn't Enjoy Them; I Stopped Because I Couldn't Handle The Commitment.

I Find That If I Don't Do Interviews, I Get A Little Squirrely. I Think That When You Engage With Someone Else, Or When You Engage In Something You're Passionate About, You're Sort Of Out Of Your Own Head.

I Think Things Evolve Into Jokes. I Don't Generally Write Them Down As Jokes. I Talk Them Out.

Your Insecurity And Neediness Is What Makes You A Big Neurotic Ball Of Comedy Genius.

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The Medium Of Podcasting And The Personal Nature Of It, The Relationship You Build With Your Listeners And The Relationship They Have With You - They Could Be Just Sitting There, Chuckling And Listening... There's Nothing Like That.

Some Of You May Be Perfectly Happy With Mediocrity. Some Of You Will Get Nothing But Heartbreak. Some Of You Will Be Heralded As Geniuses And Become Huge. Of Course, All Of You Think That One Describes You...hence The Delusion Necessary To Push On.

There Was A Period When I Was Getting A Lot Of Banana Bread, Because I Mentioned Someone Cooked Me Banana Bread, And Then Everyone Cooked Me Baked Stuff, And I Would Take It To The Hotel, And It Was Making Me Fat.

Once I Learned How To Talk, Personally, By Myself To Any Number Of People, Which Means Do Radio Without Talking To Anyone In Particular On The Air - I Just Found That My Brain Became Very Free To Engage In A Sort Of Stream-of-consciousness Style Of Doing What I Do.

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I'm Sad To See The Passing Of The Great Drug Warriors. I Certainly Did My Part In That Battle And I Don't Regret Any Of It.

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I'm Not A Moron, But Science Fiction To Me Requires A Suspension Of Disbelief And Honest Curiosity Or Fascination In That Kind Of Bullshit. I've Just Never Been Able To Make That Jump, Really. I Like Things To Be More Organic.

Any Comic Can Get On The Radio Show And Be Funny. You Can Get That On Any Morning Radio Show Or Afternoon Radio Show. There Are Plenty Of People Who Do That. It's Not A Difficult Format, To Sit Around With Two Or Three Comics And Be Funny.

I Was Married Once Before, And I Stopped.

I'm Just Looking For Authentic Engagement Of Some Kind, And Usually, After An Hour Or More, You Get That. Some People Talk At You. Some People Just Want To Answer Questions, But A Lot Of Times, All Of A Sudden You Drift Away, And You Don't Remember You're On The Mic, And You're In Something Real.

Whether People Know The Evolution Of The Conversation Or Not, I Don't Know, But Thematically, As A Comedian, I Stay In The Same Ballpark - Around My Issues And My Philosophy Of Life.

Is It Hard To Make A Living In Show Business? Yeah.

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That's An Animal Fable About Humility. If You Survive Your Mistake, You Must Learn From It. Accept That You're Fragile, Vulnerable, And Sometimes Stupid. Realize That You're Not Immortal And You've Got To Take Care Of Yourself. And Then Laugh It Off And Fly Away.

Everyone Is A Little Bitter. We're Born Bitter. The Personality Itself Is Really Just A Very Complex Defense Mechanism. A Reaction To The First Time Someone Said, "no You Can't.

I Think Most Other Comics Are Like, 'i'm Going To Do My Fkin' Act And That'll Be That.' With Me, It's Like, 'what If I Forget My Jokes? What If I Can't Pull It Together? This Is Going To Be A Fking Disaster!'

I'm Weird; I Have A Very Strange Emotional Memory. I Really Somehow Hold On To Even Passing Moments With People.

Passing Moments

They Are Not Testing Comics For Drugs. If Our Job Is Dependent On That, There Would Be Three Working Comics In The Country, And Two Of Them Would Have Puppets.

I Didn't Really Want To Kill Myself, It Just Made Me Feel Better To Know I Could If I Wanted To.

If You Let Someone Talk For An Hour, You're Gonna Have A Pretty Good Idea Of Who They Are, And I Think That's More Rewarding Than Me Sitting There Going, "that's Complete Bullshit About Health Care."

I Found A Great Deal Of Relief And Excitement Watching Comics When I Was Very Young. My Grandmother Was Very Into Them And So Was My Grandfather. They Had A Profound Effect On Me, So I Just Found Myself Watching Comedians On The After-school Shows: Merv Griffin And That Kind Of Stuff.

When I Was A Bit Older I Had All Of The George Carlin Records, All Of The Steve Martin Records, All Of The Cheech And Chong Records And All Of The Richard Pryor Records.

As I Became Very Conscious And More Aware Of Things I Got Very Into The Beatniks And That Kind Of Stuff. They Were Very Important To Me For A Few Years.

I Came Upon Whatever I'm Doing Organically. I Didn't Study Anything. I Don't Have Any Real Aspirations Other Than To Connect With Somebody, And To Have The Conversation Be Genuine. That's The Best That Can Happen. Even If It Only Happens For 10 Minutes In An Episode. But I Think What People Forget Is That You Don't Have To Try To Get A Comedian To Be Funny. Comedians Are Innately Funny. That The Real Challenge Of Talking To Them Is To Get Them Talking About Real Things And Then See Where They Need To Be Funny. And Let Them Do That On Their Own Volition.

I Knew Most Of My Radio Listeners Were Lefty Political People, And I Decided Definitively Not To Be That Guy - Not To Address Politics.

I'm Not Fundamentally A Writer. I Know Writers, And I Have A Tremendous Amount Of Respect For Them. It Bothers Me That No Matter How Well I Do It, It's Not Really My Format.

I Think The Reason Jesus Is So Popular, Just On A Celebrity Level, Is That He Died At The Peak Of His Career.

You Hope To See An Arc Of Growth In Your Ability To Become A Character On Television.

I'm A Guy That After Having Experience In Radio And Stuff, If I Can Trust The People I'm Working With, I Get A Real Thrill With Working With Other People Who Are Good At What They Do.

I Sort Of Get Tired Of Myself Sometimes. When You're Busy, Your Life Becomes Relatively Small. But I Don't Really Get Tired Of Talking To Other People.

Show Business Is One Of The Few Businesses That The Devil Will Actually Agree To Own Just A Portion Of Your Soul Because He Knows If You Have A Performer's Ego You Were Probably Working For Him All Along.

Mind Your Own Business

I’m Glad To Be Part Of The War On Sadness. I’m A Part Time Employee Of The Illusion That Keeps People Stupid.

I Think Seeing Pryor's First Movie, Live In Concert, When I Was In High School Changed My Life. Pryor Really Put The Heart In Darkness For Me.

Most Of My Comedy Writing Happens Through Improvisation On Stage; Doing It In The Moment.

It's Easy To Maintain Your Integrity When No One Is Offering To Buy It Out.

I Know That The Podcast Is Typically Something I Can Do Forever, Because It's Mine; It's Just Me And My Producer And Business Partner, So It's Our Business.

I Don't Really Compartmentalize Well. I'm In A State Of Anxiety And Panic A Lot, But It's For Different Reasons. It Used To Be Because I Had Nothing Going On, But I Work Very Hard And There Doesn't Seem To Be An End To It.

I'm Not Completely Sure We Aren't All Living In A Hallucination Now.

I Was Also A Big Woody Allen Fan. When I Got Into College I Listened To Lenny Bruce But It's Taken Me Years To Put Him Into Context Historically And Really Get What He Did.

People Who Have Babies Tell Me I Will Know A Love That Is Beyond Anything I Can Imagine, And A Joy That Is Indescribable. Love And Joy? That Sounds Horrifying. I Have No Way Of Knowing Whether I Can Handle Either Of Those. I'm Much Better With Need And Fear. They Are What Ground Me.

Maybe Depression Is The Most Reasonable Response To All The Crap Around Us. Maybe It's The Happy People Who Need Medication.

I Think Sharing Experience Makes Everything Better. When People Get Talking About How They've Overcome Something Or How They Haven't, It's Nourishing.

In My Life, I Didn't Get Into Comedy To Be - I Had No Business Model. All I Wanted To Do Was, Basically, Finish Becoming Myself. And You Stand In Front Of People And Be Seen And Heard In This Format. I Thought It Was The Most Practical Format For Me To Express Whatever It Was I Was Going Through. Whatever My Ideas Were In My Evolving Philosophy About Life. I Obviously Don't Sell Out Theaters. I'm Not A Household Name. I'm Not Incredibly Consistent In Terms Of Doing The Same Act Over And Over Again, And I'm Definitely Working Out A Lot Of My Existential Issues Onstage.

We Live In A Culture Where People Are Self-centered And Careerist And Everybody Seems To Think They Have Too Much On Their Plate Or They Just Don't Have Time For Other People's Pain.

It Seems People Are More Willing To Let Other People Control Their Minds Now And Recreational Drug Use Doesn't Seem To Have That Same Renegade Sense Of Adventure That It Once Did.

I'm Happy, Certainly, Given The Times We're Living In, To Be Doing Ok, And To Not Be Worrying About Money, And To Be Producing Something I Enjoy.

Worrying About Money

In The Sixties And Seventies You Could Probably Name All The Great Comics. It Was Still Special.

A Lot Of People Think That Jesus Is Coming Back. That's Fine, It's Your Right. But You Know, I Live In New York, And I Think He's Running A Little Late. I'm Asking Myself, 'alright, What Happens If Jesus Comes Back Tomorrow? What - Does He Make Rounds To Churches?' 'ok, Everyone Who's Been Good, Buses Leave In 10 Minutes. I'll Meet You In Front Of The Post Office. I Gotta Go. Oh, Don't Tell The Jews I'm Back.'

You Can't Avoid Pain In Life. It's How You Handle Pain, That's What Defines You.

I Feel Bad For People Who Have Never Been Addicted To Anything, Because They're The Real Losers. You Want To Know Why? Because They Don't Know What It's Like To Really Want Something - And Then Get It Again And Again And Again.

As A Performer You Are Being Used To Keep People Watching So The Commercial Endorsements That Support The Network Can Be Seen By As Many People As Possible.

It's Great To Have People Come Out. I Do Worry, Though. They Know Me Very Intimately, In A Way, If They Listen To My Show; They Know A Lot About Me.

I Think That Standup Has Always Been An Acquired Taste And There Was Always Only A Handful Of Performers That Were Really Inspired.

We Need The Children Of Indonesia And The Philippines To Manufacture Our Freedom Of Choice.

I Don't Make A List Of Questions. Ever. I Think A Lot Of My Interviews Are Driven By My Need To Feel Connection.

Conversation Is A Beautiful Thing. When I Was A Younger Guy, Just Wandering Around Talking To People Was What Kept Me Connected To The World.

Let's Be Honest, This Is A Consumer Based Economy In America. That's All We Manufacture Here Is Need And Appetite. We Are The World's Mouth. They Make Things In Other Countries, And They're Like, 'send It To America; They'll Eat It.'

I Immediately Went Out And Bought A Book On Anger Management. And Now I Have That Book, And I Don't Know If I'll Get To The Book. But I'm Certainly Excited About The Day Where I Can't Find The Book, And I Get To Say, 'where The Hell Is My Anger Management Book?!'

When I Was A Young Comic In New York And I Wasn't Getting Any Work, I Was Wandering Around The Lower East Side With My Notebook. I Would Stop At The Guitar Place On St. Mark's And Talk To That Dude For A While, Then I'd Go To The Bookstore And Talk To That Dude For A Little While. I Had A Guy Over At The Record Store, And I'd Talk To Him For A While. It Kept Me Connected To Life.

My Dad Is Actually A Manic Depressive, Which Is Very Exciting Half The Time.

Comedy Is Obviously A Matter Of Personal Taste And The World Always Needs A Clown And Some People Have No Taste At All And Any Clown Will Do.

I'm Not For Everyone. I'm Barely For Me.

For 15 Years Of My Life I Smoked, I Drank, I Used To Do Drugs... But During That Time, I Never Once Thought I Was Going To Die. But The Second I Set Foot On A Stairmaster -the Second- I Am Sure My Heart Is Gonna Explode And Blood Is Gonna Spray Out Of My Nose.

In Show Business, It Takes 10 Years To Create An Overnight Success. You've Heard That, Right? But What You Don't Hear Is That That's The Exact Same Amount Of Time It Takes To Create A Bitter Failure.

Surveillance Induced Morality: Relics Of Cultural Retardation.

Is There Any Indication We Shouldn't Be Depressed - Are You Living On The Same Planet That I Am? Do You Ever Think That Depression Might Be The Reasonable Human Response To The Crap We're Going Through As A Species, Meant To Propel Us Into The Next Evolutionary Step, Or At Least Into Taking Some Different Course Of Action So We Might Survive? Do You Ever Think That Maybe It's The Happy People That Are Really Screwed Up In The Head?

I've Always Been Someone Who Likes To Talk To People. When I Was A Little Kid, I Sought Out Freaks And Weirdos That Wandered The Streets By Where I Worked In High School. I Would Just Bring Them In And Talk To Them.

When You Actually Meet The Devil And He Offers You A Deal Most Artists Eventually Negotiate.

I'm Interested In The Fact That Comics Are People Who Are Oddly Courageous In Their Desire And Their Commitment To Sacrificing Any Sense Of Normalcy In Their Lives, Any Sense Of Security, And Most Of Them Are Oddly Unique Individuals. Let's Have A Broader Conversation With People That Have Spent Their Last However-many-years Thinking About Their Lives. I Mean, They're Philosophers. They're Poets. They're People Who Are On The Outside Looking In At The World Through A Different Set Of Values.

What Appealed To Me Was The Intimacy Of The Medium, The Fact That I Was Doing It From My Home, And The Fact That I Wanted To Talk. I Was Not There To Plug Things. I Don't Do A Hell Of A Lot Of Research. I Go On A Sort Of Kindred-spirit Bonding That Preexists The Interview, And Just See What Unfolds.

He Does Have That Weird Mixture Of Born Again Christian And Stupid That Some People Mistake For Courage And Focus.

I'm Just Saying, 'hey, Throw Me A Bone. How About A Smile, Cute T-shirt? Look At Me.' Nothing - Unless It's A Turn To Their Friends To Go, 'hey, Why Is That Weird Guy Looking At Us?'

All I Can Do In The Context Of Pursuing Any Sort Of Tv Thing, And All I've Done In The Past, Is Offer Your Life At Any Given Point In Time To Whatever Situation You're In.

I've Become Less Angry And A Little More Humble By Age And By Experience And By Going Through The Ups And Downs Of Life.

How Complicated Can Ice Cream Flavors Be? How Much Can You Put In There? I Mean, When The Flavor's Something Like Banana Ice Cream With Caramel, Fudge Chunks, Cheddar Goldfish And Pennies - You've Got To Draw A Line There.

Hopefully Standup Will Become Special Again.

The Internet Has Usurped The Collective Unconscious And Access To Cosmic Consciousness Has Become Difficult And Almost Primitive.

Collective Unconscious

The Worst Thing About Living In This World, In General, Is That Things Get Overwhelming, And Things Cause A Tremendous Amount Of Despair And Anxiety.

It Always Astounds Me That Over The Course Of My Career, And Having Lived In Four Comedy Cities - New York, Boston, San Francisco, And Los Angeles - There's Very Few People I Haven't Run Into.

Left Wing, Right Wing, I Am Wingless And Tired Of Trying To Fly. Here Comes The Ground.

There's Nothing More Horrifying Than The Possibility Or The Idea That You Will Just Fade Away Into Obscurity.

In A Lot Of Ways, I'm Seeking Some Sort Of Peace Of Mind For Myself. I'm A Fairly Emotionally Petty, Resentful Guy Who Has An Inflated Sense Of Himself, And I Needed To Take That Down A Notch.

I Don't Care What Anybody Says, I Think That George Bush Is Absolutely The Right President To Oversea The End Of The World.

I Used To Be Jealous; I'm Not Jealous Anymore. And A Miracle Happened To Me, Because If You're Jealous, It's A Cancer, It's A Plague On Your Spirit, It Really Is. And I Actually Cured Jealousy In A Very Weird Way - I Cured It With Mathematics. And I'm Not A Math Person At All, But I've Been With My Wife For About Seven Years, So We Have Had Sex Probably, I'd Like To Think, Like, 9 Million Times Or, At Least, 1,500. So, The Way I Figured It, If She Goes Out And Screws Some Other Guy Once - I'm Still Winning.

I've Had This Look For About A Year. I Usually Grow This Beard Out Around Christmas. I Like To Go To Malls Dressed As Jesus, And I Like To Then Walk Around The Mall And Go, 'no! No! This Wasn't What It Was Supposed To Be About, People!' Then If There's A Santa At The Mall, I Walk Up To Him And Say, 'listen, Fat Man, You're Just A Clown At My Birthday Party.'

I'm Not Against People Just Being Funny Or Telling Stories. I Don't Need To Delve Into The Soft, Dark Core All The Time. If It Happens, It Happens.

I Don't Seek Controversy. I Don't Seek To Antagonize. Sometimes It Happens, But I'm Not There To Argue Politics.

I'm Just Very Sort Of Compulsive And Lack The Ability To Keep Things In Perspective. If I'm Not Writing Or Playing Guitar Or On The Microphone Or Out On The Road, I'm Cleaning Pots And Pans Or Freaking Out About Some Plumbing Issue Or Tweeting.

I Always Thought I Was Funny, But I Was Very Sensitive, And Very Provocative Just To Get A Rise Out Of People.

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