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We Semaphore From Ship To Ship, But They're Sinking, Too.

-Mignon McLaughlin

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We Semaphore From Ship

Mignon McLaughlin

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We Semaphore From Ship To Ship, But They're Sinking, Too.

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The Neurotic Lies Awake At Night, Composing Letters To Those He Hates. He Seldom Thinks Of Dropping A Line To Those He Loves.

The Soul May Sleep And The Body Still Be Happy, But Only In Youth.

When You Let Money Speak For You, It Drowns Out Anything Else You Meant To Say.

Says The Rude Child: "no, I Won't Do It." Says The Courteous Grown-up: "yes, I Won't Do It.

Anything You Do From The Heart Enriches You, But Sometimes Not Till Years Later.

Being Neurotic Is Like Shooting Fish In A Barrel, And Missing Them.

Men Enjoy Being Thought Of As Hunters, But Are Generally Too Lazy To Hunt. Women, On The Other Hand, Love To Hunt, But Would Rather Nobody Knew It.

A Woman's Mink Coat Represents The Sacrifice Of A Lot Of Little Animals, Including Her Husband.

Women Go To Beauty Parlors For The Unmussed Look Men Hate.

Neurotics Dream Of A Good Life, Or A Great Suicide Note.

Character Is What Emerges From All The Little Things You Were Too Busy To Do Yesterday, But Did Anyway.

Most Sermons Sound To Me Like Commercials - But I Can't Make Out Whether God Is The Sponsor Or The Product.

God Doesn't Measure His Bounty, But Oh How We Do!

Many Who Would Not Take The Last Cookie Would Take The Last Lifeboat.

Even Cowards Can Endure Hardship; Only The Brave Can Endure Suspense.

Each Day, The American Housewife Turns Toward Television As Toward A Lover. She Feels Guilty About It, And Well She Might, For He's Covered With Warts And Is Only After Her Money.

The Death Of Someone We Know Always Reminds Us That We Are Still Alive - Perhaps For Some Purpose Which We Ought To Re-examine.

I Often Pray, Though I'm Not Really Sure Anyone's Listening; And I Phrase It Carefully, Just In Case He's Literary.

Neurotics Think Of The Past With Resentment, And The Future With Dread; The Present Just Doesn't Exist.

Women Are The Right Age For Just A Few Years; Men, For Most Of Their Lives.

Luck: When Your Burst Of Energy Doesn't Run Afoul Of Someone Else's.

Our Strength Is Often Composed Of The Weakness That We're Damned If We're Going To Show.

Courage Can't See Around Corners But Goes Around Them Anyway.

It Does Not Undo Harm To Acknowledge That We Have Done It; But It Undoes Us Not To Acknowledge It.

Many Marriages Are Simply Working Partnerships Between Businessmen And Housekeepers.

Don't Look For God Where He Is Needed Most; If You Didn't Bring Him There, He Isn't There.

Men Who Don't Like Girls With Brains Don't Like Girls.

Pity All Newlyweds. She Cooks Something Nice For Him, And He Brings Her Flowers, And They Kiss And Think: How Easy Marriage Is.

Be Glad That You're Greedy; The National Economy Would Collapse If You Weren't.

We Are All Such A Waste Of Our Potential, Like Three-way Lamps Using One-way Bulbs.

Every Day Of Our Lives We Are On The Verge Of Making Those Slight Changes That Would Make All The Difference.

In Life, As In Restaurants, We Swallow A Lot Of Indigestible Stuff Just Because It Comes With The Dinner.

Neurotics Are Always Looking For Something New To Overdo.

There Are Now Electrical Appliances With The Main Unit So Sealed In That It Cannot Be Got At For Repair. There Have Always Been Human Beings Like That.

We Cough Because We Can't Help It, But Others Do It On Purpose.

It Took Man Thousands Of Years To Put Words Down On Paper, And His Lawyers Still Wish He Wouldn't.

After He Has Had His Tantrum, The Neurotic Expects Those Around Him To Feel Friendly And Relaxed; After All, He Does.

The Best Work Is Done With The Heart Breaking, Or Overflowing.

If Only We Could Be Old And Sick While We're Still Young And Healthy Enough To Put Up With It!

The Ideal Home: Big Enough For You To Hear The Children, But Not Very Well.

Comfort, Or Revelation: God Owes Us One Of These, But Surely Not Both.

We Semaphore From Ship To Ship, But They're Sinking, Too.

There's Only One Person Who Needs A Glass Of Water Oftener Than A Small Child Tucked In For The Night, And That's A Writer Sitting Down To Write.

Many Of Us Go Through Life Feeling As An Actor Might Feel Who Does Not Like His Part And Does Not Believe In The Play.

When Threatened, The First Thing A Democracy Gives Up Is Democracy.

Vanity, Revenge, Loneliness, Boredom, All Apply: Lust Is One Of The Least Of The Reasons For Promiscuity.

We Have To Call It "freedom": Who'd Want To Die For "a Lesser Tyranny"

The Neurotic Longs To Touch Bottom, So At Least He Won't Have That To Worry About Anymore.

Few Women Care What A Man Looks Like, And A Good Thing Too.

A Bore: One Who Knows As Well As You Do What He Is Going To Say Next.

A First-rate Marriage Is Like A First-rate Hotel: Expensive, But Worth It.

Self-confidence Grows On Trees, In Other People's Orchards.

The Neurotic Always Wishes People Would Let Him Alone - Until They Do.

Love Unlocks Doors And Opens Windows That Weren't Even There Before.

Youth Is Not Enough. And Love Is Not Enough. And Success Is Not Enough. And, If We Could Achieve It, Enough Would Not Be Enough.

Congratulations

What We Love About Love Is The Fever, Which Marriage Puts To Bed And Cures.

Always Live Up To Your Standards — By Lowering Them, If Necessary.

The Neurotic Usually Obeys His Own Golden Rule: Hate Thy Neighbor As Thyself.

We Are Seldom Happy With What We Now Have, But Would Go To Pieces If We Lost Any Part Of It.

Confession Is Good For The Conscience, But It Usually Bypasses The Soul.

Love Is Often Gentle, Desire Always A Rage.

Revenge Leads To An Empty Fullness, Like Eating Dirt.

Women Gather Together To Wear Silly Hats, Eat Dainty Food, And Forget How Unresponsive Their Husbands Are. Men Gather To Talk Sports, Eat Heavy Food, And Forget How Demanding Their Wives Are. Only Where Children Gather Is There Any Real Chance Of Fun.

There Are So Many Things That We Wish We Had Done Yesterday, So Few That We Feel Like Doing Today.

Procrastination

Fields Can Lie Fallow But We Can't; We Have Less Time.

Humiliation Is A Vast Country Of Imprecise Boundaries. If You Think You're There, You Are. The Neurotic Rule: When In Doubt, Go Ahead And Feel Humiliated.

You Can't Truthfully Explain Your Smallest Action Without Fully Revealing Your Character.

In Church, Sacred Music Would Make Believers Of Us All — But Preachers Can Be Counted On To Restore The Balance.

When "why Not Do It?" Barely Outweighs "why Do It?" — Don't Do It.

We Have A Terror Of Seeming To Exert Ourselves, Lest It Be Noticed That We Exerted Ourselves And Did Not Succeed.

Love Is The Silent Saying And Saying Of A Single Name.

Many Beautiful Women Have Been Made Happy By Their Own Beauty, But No Intelligent Woman Has Ever Been Made Happy By Her Own Intelligence.

God Is Less Careful Than General Motors, For He Floods The World With Factory Rejects.

Without Enthusiasm, Virtue Functions Not At All, And Vice Only Poorly.

If An Article Is Attractive, Or Useful, Or Inexpensive, They'll Stop Making It Tomorrow; If It's All Three, They Stopped Making It Yesterday.

Most Of Us Would Rather Risk Catastrophe Than Read The Directions.

The Young Do Not Need God, And The Old Cannot Find Him.

Many Are Saved From Sin By Being So Inept At It.

It Is Always Safe To Tell People That They're Looking Wonderful.

The Neurotic's Strongest Fantasy Is That He Has No Fantasies. The Real Is Very Real To Him, The Unreal Even More So.

There's An Awful Lot Of Blood Around That Water Is Thicker Than.

If You Must Reread Old Love Letters, Better Pick A Room Without Mirrors.

Every Now And Then You Run Across Radiantly Attractive People And You're Delighted To Find They Adore You, Till You Realize That They Adore Just About Everybody - And That's What's Made Them Radiantly Attractive.

If Your Husband Expects You To Laugh, Do So; If He Expects You To Cry, Don't; If You Don't Know What He Expects, What Are You Doing Married?

The First Two Days Of A Vacation Are Endless; Then It Flies.

Spring, Summer, And Fall Fill Us With Hope; Winter Alone Reminds Us Of The Human Condition.

I'm Afraid To Win, And Afraid To Lose; I Hate A Draw And Can't Stop Competing; Otherwise I'm Fine.

Money Is Much More Exciting Than Anything It Buys.

Most Of Our Diversions Do Not So Much Delay Death As Accustom Us To It.

The Neurotic Feels As Though Trapped In A Gas-filled Room Where At Any Moment Someone, Probably Himself, Will Strike A Match.

The Chief Reason For Drinking Is The Desire To Behave In A Certain Way, And To Be Able To Blame It On Alcohol.

The Next Voice You Hear Will Undoubtedly Be Your Own.

My Thoughts, I Guess, Are Bitter; Who But The Bitter Have Thoughts?

The Marriage Of Convenience Has This To Recommend It: We Are Better Judges Of Convenience Than We Are Of Love.

People Find It Hard To Be Both Comic And Serious, Though Life Manages It Easily Enough.

We Sometimes Feel That We Have Been Really Understood, But It Was Always Long Ago, By Someone Now Dead.

No Good Neurotic Finds It Difficult To Be Both Opinionated And Indecisive.

After The Chills And Fever Of Love, How Nice Is The 98.6 Degrees Of Marriage.

Only Where Children Gather Is There Any Real Chance Of Fun.

An Artist Usually Has No Friends Except Other Artists, And Usually They Do Not Like His Work.

It's Easy Enough To Get Along With A Loved And Loving Child - At Least Till You Try To Get Him To Do Something.

The Neurotic Believes That Life Has Meaning, But That His Life Hasn't.

We'd All Like A Reputation For Generosity, And We'd All Like To Buy It Cheap.

Whenever We Safely Land In A Plane, We Promise God A Little Something.

We Are Keenly Aware Of The Faults Of Our Friends, But If They Like Us Enough It Doesn't Matter.

For The Happiest Life, Days Should Be Rigorously Planned, Nights Left Open To Chance.

Good-looking Girls Break Hearts, And Goodhearted Girls Mend Them.

When Suffering Comes, We Yearn For Some Sign From God, Forgetting We Have Just Had One.

World Suffering

Spite Is Never Lonely; Envy Always Tags Along.

Neurotics Are Anxiety Prone, Accident Prone, And Often Just Prone.

Affairs Are Just As Disillusioning As Marriage, And Much Less Restful.

The Three Horrors Of Modern Life - Talk Without Meaning, Desire Without Love, Work Without Satisfaction.

Even In The Same Family, One Child Will Always Instinctively Know When To Ask For Things, And Another Won't.

The Past Is Strapped To Our Backs. We Do Not Have To See It; We Can Always Feel It.

Money: In Its Absence, We Are Coarse; In Its Presence, We Are Vulgar.

To Talk Easily With People, You Must Firmly Believe That Either You Or They Are Interesting. And Even Then It's Not Easy.

No One Really Listens To Anyone Else, And If You Try It For A While You'll See Why.

Every Group Feels Strong Once It Has Found A Scapegoat.

The Way The Neurotic Sees It: Bars On His Door Mean That He's Locked In; Bars On Your Door Mean That He's Locked Out.

To Smoke Or Not To Smoke: I Can Make Of Either A Life-work.

Cigarette Smoke

Don't Be Yourself - Be Someone A Little Nicer.

Throughout Our Lives, We See In The Mirror The Same Innocent Trusting Face We Have Seen There Since Childhood.

Loneliness, Insomnia, And Change: The Fear Of These Is Even Worse Than The Reality.

Learning Too Soon Our Limitations, We Never Learn Our Powers.

Pull Yourself Together' Is Seldom Said To Anyone Who Can.

A Sense Of Humor Is A Major Defense Against Minor Troubles.

The Young Are Generally Full Of Revolt, And Are Often Pretty Revolting About It.

Many Of Us Are Equal To Life's Emergencies Who Cannot Bear Its Day-after-dayness.

If You Can Tell Anyone About It, It's Not The Worst Thing You Ever Did.

The Neurotic Keeps Minute Track Of His Enemies; It Is Only His Friends He Is Careless About.

When Their Children Fail To Charm Others, Few Parents Can Stay Neutral.

Not For Nothing Does The Neurotic Suffer - But Not For Anything Very Much, Either.

Love Requires A Willingness To Die; Marriage, A Willingness To Live.

Puritans Will Never Believe It, But Life Is Full Of Disagreeable Things That Aren't Even Good For You.

If You're A Gifted Flirt, Talking About The Price Of Eggs Will Do As Well As Any Other Subject.

Men Really Prefer Reasonably Attractive Women; They Go After The Sensational Ones To Impress Other Men.

People Are Like Birds: On The Wing, All Beautiful; Up Close, All Beady Little Eyes.

True Remorse Is Never Just A Regret Over Consequences; It Is A Regret Over Motive.

Boredom Is Often The Cause Of Promiscuity, And Always Its Result.

Men Prefer Brief Praise, Pitched High; Women Are Satisfied With Praise In A Lower Key, Just So It Goes On And On.

An Old Racetrack Joke Reminds You That Your Program Contains All The Winners' Names. I Stare At My Typewriter Keys With The Same Thought.

I'm Always There To Tell People That Their Life Is Not That Bad. I Wish It Was Easy To Follow That Advice.

Your Children Vividly Remember Every Unkind Thing You Ever Did To Them, Plus A Few You Really Didn't.

The Total History Of Almost Anyone Would Shock Almost Everyone.

I Know Which Side My Bread Is Buttered On: The Side Which Falls On The Carpet.

When Women Feel They Have Learned To Forgive Their Mothers - And Men, Their Fathers - All It Usually Means Is That They've Decided To Allow Themselves The Same Kind Of Behavior.

It's Impossible To Be Loyal To Your Family, Your Friends, Your Country, And Your Principles, All At The Same Time.

There's Something In Every Atheist, Itching To Believe, And Something In Every Believer, Itching To Doubt.

Goods Are Displayed By Thousands Of Shopkeepers With A Sense Of Beauty That Finds No Other Outlet.

Good Food, Good Sex, Good Digestion, Good Sleep: To These Basic Animal Pleasures, Man Has Added Nothing But The Good Cigarette.

There Are Children Born To Be Children, And Others Who Must Mark Time Till They Can Take Their Natural Places As Adults.

I've Been Hiding From God, And I'm Appalled To Find How Easy It Is.

In The Arithmetic Of Love, One Plus One Equals Everything, And Two Minus One Equals Nothing.

The Woman Just Ahead Of You At The Supermarket Checkout Has All The Delectable Groceries You Didn't Even Know They Carried.

The Know-nothings Are, Unfortunately, Seldom The Do-nothings.

What's For Dinner Is The Only Question Many Husbands Ask Their Wives, And The Only One To Which They Care About The Answer.

We Choose Those We Like; With Those We Love, We Have No Say In The Matter.

We Catch Frightful Glimpses Of Ourselves In The Hostile Eyes Of Others.

The Past Is Rich In Lessons From Which We Would Greatly Profit Except That The Present Is Always So Full Of Special Circumstances.

Tough And Funny And A Little Bit Kind: That Is As Near To Perfection As A Human Being Can Be.

Once You Become Self-conscious, There Is No End To It; Once You Start To Doubt, There Is No Room For Anything Else.

Women Are Never Landlocked: They're Always Mere Minutes Away From The Briny Deep Of Tears.

Philosophy Teaches A Man That He Can't Take It With Him; Taxes Teach Him He Can't Leave It Behind Either.

We Lavish On Animals The Love We Are Afraid To Show To People. They Might Not Return It; Or Worse, They Might.

The Excesses Of Love Soon Pass, But Its Insufficiencies Torment Us Forever.

I Wish I'd Said It First, And I Don't Even Know Who Did: The Only Problems That Money Can Solve Are Money Problems.

We Can Never At Any Time Absorb More Love Than We're Ready For.

One Of Life's Few Really Reliable Pleasures: To Have A Family You Love, And To Leave Them For A Week.

What You Can't Get Out Of, Get Into Wholeheartedly.

It's Wonderful To Watch Pretty Women With Character Grow Beautiful.

Cash Is The One Gift Everyone Despises And No One Turns Down.

The Hardest-learned Lesson: That People Have Only Their Kind Of Love To Give, Not Our Kind.

Neurotic Quarrels Always Have The Same Theme-song: Hate Me And Get It Over With.

Beauty Often Fades, But Seldom So Swiftly As The Joy It Gives Us.

Society Honors Its Living Conformists And Its Dead Troublemakers.

Tragedy Isn't Getting Something, Or Failing To Get It; It's Losing Something You Already Have.

The Neurotic Thinks Himself Both Hamlet And Claudius, In A World That Belongs To Polonius.

How Tired God Must Be Of Guilt And Loneliness, For That Is All We Ever Bring To Him.

We Always Prefer War On Our Own Terms To Peace On Someone Else's.

We All Become Great Explorers During Our First Few Days In A New City, Or A New Love Affair.

Neurotics Would Like To Sleep All The Time, And To Be Awakened Only When There Is Good News.

Likely As Not, The Child You Can Do The Least With Will Do The Most To Make You Proud.

We Are Never More Self-righteous Than When Giving Up What We Should Have Shunned All Along.

No Woman Wants To See Herself Too Clearly.

Life Marks Us All Down, So It's Just As Well That We Start Out By Overpricing Ourselves.

Hope Is The Feeling We Have That The Feeling We Have Is Not Permanent.

Every Creature Stalks Some Other, Catches It, And Is Caught.

Failure Can Get To Be A Rather Comfortable Old Friend.

We Are Irritated By Rascals, Intolerant Of Fools, And Prepared To Love The Rest. But Where Are They?

When The Pressures Really Mount, The Neurotic Must Choose: Shall He Have A Good Cry, Or Set Fire To His Neighbor's House?

With Men, As With Women, The Main Struggle Is Between Vanity And Comfort; But With Men, Comfort Often Wins.

Neurotics Are Sure That No One Understands Them, And They Wouldn't Have It Any Other Way.

The Fault We Admit To Is Seldom The Fault We Have, But It Has A Certain Relationship To It, A Somewhat Similar Shape, Like That Of A Sleeve To An Arm.

When The Pain Is Great Enough, We Will Let Anyone Be Doctor.

We Come Late, If At All, To Wine And Philosophy: Whiskey And Action Are Easier.

The Neurotic Would Like To Trust His Analyst - If Only Because He's Paying Him So Much Money. But He Can't - Because If The Analyst Really Cared, He'd Be Doing It For Nothing.

Those Who Turn To God For Comfort May Find Comfort But I Do Not Think They Will Find God.

A Successful Marriage Requires Falling In Love Many Times, Always With The Same Person.

Surrounded By People Who Love Life, You Love It Too; Surrounded By People Who Don't, You Don't.

We Work For Praise, And Dawdle Once We Have It.

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