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They Keep Saying That Sea Levels Are Rising An' All This. It's Nowt To Do With The Icebergs Melting, It's Because There's Too Many Fish In It. Get Rid Of Some Of The Fish And The Water Will Drop. Simple. Basic Science.

-Karl Pilkington

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They Keep Saying That

Karl Pilkington

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They Keep Saying That Sea Levels Are Rising An' All This. It's Nowt To Do With The Icebergs Melting, It's Because There's Too Many Fish In It. Get Rid Of Some Of The Fish And The Water Will Drop. Simple. Basic Science.

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Does The Brain Control You Or Are You Controlling The Brain? I Don't Know If I'm In Charge Of Mine.

People Always Tell Me I'm Going To Regret Not Having Kids. But What If I Have One And Then I Regret Having It? Has Anyone Thought Of That Option?

A Slug Is Always On Its Own. It's A Lonely Insect.

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If You’re Worrying About The Wrinkles On Your Bollocks I’d Say Your Life’s Pretty Good

Making The 'an Idiot Abroad' Series, I Was Really Dreading Going To India; I Thought I'd Hate It. It Was A Nightmare, And I Was Really Ill - Just Like Everyone Says.

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Fishing: I Don't Really Like It. I Don't Really Like The Expression On The Fish's Face.

With Identical Twins, You Always Get A Little Snidey One.

It Annoys Me A Bit How People Like Squirrels But Not Rats. At The End Of The Day They're The Same Thing, Except That Squirrels Have Had A Better Upbringing.

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Stop Looking At The Walls, Look Out The Window.

If You Don't Sleep You Get Run Down. Sloths Never Get A Flu, Cos Its Good Innit Thats When Your Body's Replemishing.

That Impresses Me More, Inventin' Electricity.

Neil Armstrong, That Spaceman, He Went To The Moon But He Ain't Been Back. It Can't Have Been That Good.

You Don't Have To Do It Straight Away, But Just Do It Before It Gets Really Bad.

There Is No Need For Ants To Have The Ability To Fly

Parrots Have Gone A Bit Quiet Since Pirates Have Gone.

The Great Pyramid Is Overrated. It's A Bad Design. The Lounge Is Going To Be Huge, But The Bedroom Is Going To Be Tiny.

I Mean, I Don't Really Go Out At Night In Terms Of Noisy, Busy Places; I Prefer More Of A Quiet Corner Somewhere.

I Told Her That I Can't Be Doing With The Wonder Part Of These Trips, But She Said It Should Be The Icing On The Cake... I've Never Liked Wedding Cake Due To The Amount Of Icing, But Then Imagine A Wedding Cake Without It; Just A Dark, Stodgy, Horrible Dry Sponge. The Icing Covers Up The Mess, And That's How I Feel About Most Of The Wonders. They Use Them To Get People To Visit A Place That You Probably Wouldn't Think About Visiting.

The Other Day I Was Thinking - Because I Get A Lot Of Headaches - I Was Wondering Whether The Head Should Be Where It Is. Because, At The End Of The Day, It's Probably The Heaviest Part Of Your Body, Right? And Yet It's At The Top As Opposed To, I Don't, Dangling At The Bottom Somewhere.

The End Of The Day

Why Didn't Evolution Make A Giraffe Good At Carpentry So It Could Build A Ladder?

What Happens If Someone Else Has My Eyes, And They Start Looking At Stuff I Don't Like? I Don't Like The Idea Of That.

We Are Always Making More And More Stuff In The World. You Know; Big Buildings, Big Planes, Big Boats And That. Will We Ever Get To A Point Where All This Is Too Heavy For The World To Handle?

A Single Vision Is More Perfect Than A Committee Vision Because With Everyone Having Their Say, It Becomes Compromised.

We've Had The Iron Age, The Stone Age, This Is The Pissin' About Age.

If You Haven't Got Eyes, You Shouldn't Have Wings

If You Live In A Glass House, Don't Be Chucking Stuff About.

Every Problem Solved Is A Problem Made.

The Poorer People And Criminals Of Mexico Who Are Not Very Religious But Not Quite Atheists, Either, Worship Saint Death.

I've Always Wanted To Kick A Duck Up The Arse

If You'd Have Told Me Five Years Ago That I'd Have Done All This - Two Books, Some Television And Everything - I'd Panic, I'd Be Scared.

A Block Of Blood Should Not Have The Word "cake" After It...they Might As Well Say "shite Gateau

I Was Impressed By The Taj Mahal. A Good Bit Of Work, Well Looked After, Worth Paying Money To See.

At What Point Is A Wasp Ever Going To Have A Chat With A Spider?

All Fame Is Is Having People You Don't Know Coming Up To You And Saying, 'hello.' I'm Always Polite And People Are Always Nice, But It's Weird.

There's A Lot Of Idiots In The World, So Live With It.

The Problem I Have With All This Religion Stuff Is That I Can't Relate To It. I Think Most People Got Into 'cos It Gave Them Something To Do On A Sunday, But Since All The Shops Are Now Open It Isn't Required As Much.

This Is The Problem With Over-crowded Inner-city Schools There Aren't Enough Parts For Everyone In The Nativity Story.

I Don’t Think I’ve Ever Felt This Lost, Even In Wales.

As Long As You're Remembering Baby Jesus, Does It Matter When You're Remembering Him. That's What I'm Saying About Christmas, I Might Not Be In The Mood For It December 25th.

When I Was Younger I Remember Once I Went To Bed And I Was So Happy That I Laughed Myself To Sleep.

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People Who Live In A Glass House Have To Answer The Door.

Be The Ugly One, Look At The Nice One.

Whether It's A Potato Or A Nut, It's A Foodage!

It's Just Hassle Of Having Friends And Family An' That.

Family And Friends

Who'd Have Thought The Frisbee Would Have Caught On?

I Don't Know Any Londoners 'cos I'm From Manchester.

Normally You Can't Hear You're Own Voice Because You're Talking Over It.

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I Came Up With A Good Idea... See-through Skin.

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If You Are Living The Dream, How Do You Know If You Are Asleep Or Awake?

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I Don’t Understand Why People Take Pictures Of Mimes. Everyone Looks Like A Mime In A Picture.

I Saw A Bee Have A Heart Attack.

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Classes Teaching You How To Breathe. I'm 32, I Think I've Got The Hang Of It.

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We're Gonna Get Weaker. That's Already Happened. They Used To Say, You Know, An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away. Now They're Saying Eat Five Fruits. That's Evidence. You Can't Argue With That.

They Do It In Thai Restaurants In London. You Ask For A Drink, And It Comes In A Glass With Loads Of Seaweed And Pebbles In It Like A Scene From Finding Nemo.

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Cat Food. It Stinks A Bit, But If You Don't Put Up With The Smell, The Little Kitten Will Die.

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You Never Get An Angry Man Suddenly Breaking Into A Whistle.

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I've Never Won Many Awards, I Didn't Get Certificates For Swimming Or Anything.

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Avocados, It's A Food That Ain't Worth Injuring Yourself For. If It's A Hassle To Get Into, Leave It To The Experts.

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It's Easier To Have A Go At Something Again When You Failed At It As You've Got Nowt To Lose.

I Just Sort Of Go Along And Say What I Think -and That's All You Can Do In Life, Really.

It Would Be Spiteful To Put A Jellyfish In A Trifle.

Treat The World Like A Head.

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I'm Really Happy. I Just Don't Choose To Show It.

If You Had Five Photos Of Anuses, I Could Not Point Mine Out.

I've Heard That Fact, That Is You Eat More Than Six Bananas It Will Kill You. I Saw A Bowl With Seven Bananas In It And I Thought, That's Dangerous.

Could The World Fall?

Pigeons: They've Got Wings, But They Walk A Lot.

The Cafe Was Called Tattoos. The Fella Who Owned It Didn't Have Any Tattoos... But We Never Saw His Wife.

It's Not A Joke: I Really Do Like Being At Home.

You Never See An Old Man Eating A Twix

My Brain's Just Full Of Passwords.

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I've Never Understood The 'things To Do Before You Die' Idea. If I Was Ill, I'd Be In No Mood To Have A Swim With A Dolphin.

Sometimes You Can Know Too Much. A Lot Of Brainy People Like Stephen Fry Are Quite Depressive.

If You Sit In A Bath Of Pineapple Chunks, It Can Kill You. That's Well Documented.

Chinese People Age Overnight.

Now Sometimes I Don't Know If I Feel Well. Because I've Been In My Body For Years.

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Me In A One-man Tent Crouching Over Carrier Bag. It's Not Just The Lowest Point Of The Trip. It's The Lowest Point Ever. In 38 Years.

The Tudors, I Don't Even Know If I Had A Family Back Then.

Shitty Nappy Whizzing Through The Air, You Don't See That In The Brochures.

It's Interesting To See That People Had So Much Clutter Even Thousands Of Years Ago. The Only Way To Get Rid Of It All Was To Bury It, And Then Some Archaeologist Went And Dug It All Up.

The Web Is The New Book Though, Innit?

I Look At Life Like A Big Book And Sometimes You Get Half Way Through It And Go 'even Though I've Been Enjoying It, I've Had Enough. Give Us Another Book.'

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Worst Case Scenario

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By 78 You've Done Everything You're Going To Do. If You Haven't Bungee-jumped By The Time You're 78 You're Not Going To Do It.

I Was Still Using My Eyes Even Though I Had Them Shut.

You Can Only Talk Rubbish If You're Aware Of Knowledge.

People Say Dolphins Are Intelligent And That But They’ve Never Done Anything That Have Blown Me Away. They Say I’m A Div And Dolphins Are Intelligent…it Just Baffles Me.

If You’re Not Happy Looking A Knob In The Face, There’s Something Wrong.

If Camels Are The Ship Of The Dessert, This One Is The Titanic

I Could Eat A Knob At Night.

There Is Someone For Everyone, I'nt There. That's Always My Thing. And It's Reassuring I Think.

People Say Having Kids Is Life Changing, Well That Doesn't Necessarily Mean A Good Thing, Does It? I Could Take One Of My Legs Off. That Would Change My Life.

It Is Hard Eating A Little Kangaroo Knob.

I've Got Loads Of Nieces And Nephews.

Niece And Nephew

Apparently You're Not Allowed To Lick A Toad's Back.

I Think It's Clever How Rome Have Kept A Load Of Old Stuff. There's No Overheads, Yet People Are Going Over There To See It.

I'm Not Invited To Any Exciting Parties And My Life Hasn't Really Changed.

I Found That Being With Happy Positive People Annoys Me.

Positive People

I Don't Know Why Small Chocolates Are Called Fun-sized; I Mean, If I Called A Midget Fun-sized, They'd Kick Off.

It's Like There's Some Unwritten Rule That If You're Mates, You Can Say What You Want To Each Other, And You Don't Really Get That Annoyed About It.

We've Invented Most Of The Stuff That We Need And Now We're Just Messing About

There’s Fish In Here That I’ve Read About That Are So See-through That They’re Invisible. So I Don’t Even Think They Know They Exist.

People Eat Duck And You Think, Well, We've Got Loads Of Chickens, Leave The Ducks Alone!

I Don't Want To Go About Offending People, That's Not My Plan.

If You Don't Have A Plan, You Can End Up Doing Some Interesting Things.

It's Not Easy Keeping A Diary. You Have To Be Pretty Committed.

I Am Pessimistic, I Think That's The Best Way To Be, Because If You're Always Expecting The Best - The Best Doesn't Always Happen. Nine Times Out Of 10 It Doesn't. I'm Surprised When Things Go Smoothly. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Being Pessimistic - Unless You Are Such A Pessimist That You Don't Do Anything.

Knowledge Is Almost Annoying.

Stay Green, Stay In The Woods, And Stay Safe.

I Know Who I Am. Bloody Hell, I'm Getting Enough Bills For Karl Pilkington So I Hope I Am Him, 'cos If I'm Not, I Have No Idea Who I'm Paying For

I Find That If You Just Talk, Your Mouth Comes Up With Stuff.

Heaven? Floating About With Everyone You Ever Knew For Eternity? Me Family Does Me 'ed In After One Day At Xmas, I'd Rather Be Mush.

Being Honest With You, It's Not The 'great' Wall Of China. It's An All Right Wall. It's The 'all Right Wall Of China.'

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I'd Rather Live In A Cave With A View Of A Palace Than Live In A Palace With A View Of A Cave.

I Think People Would Live A Bit Longer If They Didn't Know How Old They Were. Age Puts Restrictions On Things.

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At Some Point, Some Insect Has Had Sex With A Leaf.

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