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I Don't Watch Much Telly, The Telly Hardly Goes On, But The Things I Do Watch Are Sort Of Nature Programs, And Something About The Oceans And The Amount Of Weird Fish That's In There.

-Karl Pilkington

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I Don't Watch Much

Karl Pilkington

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I Don't Watch Much Telly, The Telly Hardly Goes On, But The Things I Do Watch Are Sort Of Nature Programs, And Something About The Oceans And The Amount Of Weird Fish That's In There.

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People Moan About Drugs Being Tested On Animals. I Sort Of Think It Depends Innit. If The Drug's Aspirin And The Monkey's Got A Headache, Is It Right?

People Who Live In A Glass House Have To Answer The Door.

I Look At Life Like A Big Book And Sometimes You Get Half Way Through It And Go 'even Though I've Been Enjoying It, I've Had Enough. Give Us Another Book.'

Stop Looking At The Walls, Look Out The Window.

The Elephant Man Would Never Have Gotten Up And Gone, ‘oh, God. Look At Me Hair Today.’

When I Was Younger I Remember Once I Went To Bed And I Was So Happy That I Laughed Myself To Sleep.

The Tudors, I Don't Even Know If I Had A Family Back Then.

They've Found This Spider, In The Jungle. Three Foot Long, It Eats Chicken. Bit Weird, Innit. People Moan Saying That You Shouldn't Lock Animals Up And All The Rest Of It, But To Be Honest I Wish It Was Locked Up. The Idea That It's Roaming In A Jungle... Get It Locked Up.

I Was Still Using My Eyes Even Though I Had Them Shut.

We've Had The Iron Age, The Stone Age, This Is The Pissin' About Age.

Yesterday, I Did Some Painting Then Went Out To Buy An Onion And Came Home And Watched 'university Challenge.' The Onion Was Probably The Highlight.

Stay Green, Stay In The Woods, And Stay Safe.

It's Interesting To See That People Had So Much Clutter Even Thousands Of Years Ago. The Only Way To Get Rid Of It All Was To Bury It, And Then Some Archaeologist Went And Dug It All Up.

Well...like, When You're Born, You're A Little Baby, You're Wrinkly And Stuff, When You Get Older You Sort Of Morph Into A Baby Again.

It Annoys Me A Bit How People Like Squirrels But Not Rats. At The End Of The Day They're The Same Thing, Except That Squirrels Have Had A Better Upbringing.

The End Of The Day

To Me, A Cat Is An Easy Pet, They Don't Need Any Spoiling Or Looking After.

It's Weird How Me And That Insect Are Miles Apart In Terms Of Lifestyle, Yet We Both Like A Biscuit.

I Don't Really Like Surprises. Not Big Ones Anyway. Just Having A Pack Of Revels Holds Enough Of A Surprise For Me.

That Impresses Me More, Inventin' Electricity.

If You'd Have Told Me Five Years Ago That I'd Have Done All This - Two Books, Some Television And Everything - I'd Panic, I'd Be Scared.

I Don't Know Why Small Chocolates Are Called Fun-sized; I Mean, If I Called A Midget Fun-sized, They'd Kick Off.

I've Heard That Fact, That Is You Eat More Than Six Bananas It Will Kill You. I Saw A Bowl With Seven Bananas In It And I Thought, That's Dangerous.

I Don’t Understand Why People Take Pictures Of Mimes. Everyone Looks Like A Mime In A Picture.

It's 2006, Why Are They Still Using The Index Finger?

We've Invented Most Of The Stuff That We Need And Now We're Just Messing About

If Camels Are The Ship Of The Dessert, This One Is The Titanic

A Problem Solved Is A Problem Caused.

Who'd Have Thought The Frisbee Would Have Caught On?

We Are Always Making More And More Stuff In The World. You Know; Big Buildings, Big Planes, Big Boats And That. Will We Ever Get To A Point Where All This Is Too Heavy For The World To Handle?

Now Sometimes I Don't Know If I Feel Well. Because I've Been In My Body For Years.

Could The World Fall?

I'd Say The Best Is When I Was In Africa, I Saw A Hippo In A House. Someone Had A Pet Hippo. And They're Meant To Be One Of The Most Dangerous Animals On The Planet, And They Had One That Was Sort Of Just Wandering In And Out Of Their House, Just Sort Of Roaming About.

Be The Ugly One, Look At The Nice One.

I Find That If You Just Talk, Your Mouth Comes Up With Stuff.

People Say Having Kids Is Life Changing, Well That Doesn't Necessarily Mean A Good Thing, Does It? I Could Take One Of My Legs Off. That Would Change My Life.

I Was Impressed By The Taj Mahal. A Good Bit Of Work, Well Looked After, Worth Paying Money To See.

Me In A One-man Tent Crouching Over Carrier Bag. It's Not Just The Lowest Point Of The Trip. It's The Lowest Point Ever. In 38 Years.

What I Mean Is, I Don't Know What I Mean.

It's Like There's Some Unwritten Rule That If You're Mates, You Can Say What You Want To Each Other, And You Don't Really Get That Annoyed About It.

You Don't Have To Do It Straight Away, But Just Do It Before It Gets Really Bad.

There's A Lot Of Idiots In The World, So Live With It.

I Think It's Clever How Rome Have Kept A Load Of Old Stuff. There's No Overheads, Yet People Are Going Over There To See It.

With Identical Twins, You Always Get A Little Snidey One.

Does The Brain Control You Or Are You Controlling The Brain? I Don't Know If I'm In Charge Of Mine.

You Can Only Talk Rubbish If You're Aware Of Knowledge.

I Told Her That I Can't Be Doing With The Wonder Part Of These Trips, But She Said It Should Be The Icing On The Cake... I've Never Liked Wedding Cake Due To The Amount Of Icing, But Then Imagine A Wedding Cake Without It; Just A Dark, Stodgy, Horrible Dry Sponge. The Icing Covers Up The Mess, And That's How I Feel About Most Of The Wonders. They Use Them To Get People To Visit A Place That You Probably Wouldn't Think About Visiting.

Shitty Nappy Whizzing Through The Air, You Don't See That In The Brochures.

And We've Got A Toaster And Everything. So There Is No Reason For The Wedding.

Treat The World Like A Head.

The Cafe Was Called Tattoos. The Fella Who Owned It Didn't Have Any Tattoos... But We Never Saw His Wife.

If You Don't Have A Plan, You Can End Up Doing Some Interesting Things.

Chinese People Age Overnight.

Apparently You're Not Allowed To Lick A Toad's Back.

I Mean, I Don't Really Go Out At Night In Terms Of Noisy, Busy Places; I Prefer More Of A Quiet Corner Somewhere.

I'm Just Sayin', I Don't Like Fun.

If You Sit In A Bath Of Pineapple Chunks, It Can Kill You. That's Well Documented.

Whether It's A Potato Or A Nut, It's A Foodage!

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Happiness Is Like A Cake: Have Too Much Of It And You Get Sick Of It.

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If You Live In A Glass House, Don't Be Chucking Stuff About.

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I Don't Watch Much Telly, The Telly Hardly Goes On, But The Things I Do Watch Are Sort Of Nature Programs, And Something About The Oceans And The Amount Of Weird Fish That's In There.

Parrots Have Gone A Bit Quiet Since Pirates Have Gone.

A Block Of Blood Should Not Have The Word "cake" After It...they Might As Well Say "shite Gateau

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There’s Fish In Here That I’ve Read About That Are So See-through That They’re Invisible. So I Don’t Even Think They Know They Exist.

If You Don't Sleep You Get Run Down. Sloths Never Get A Flu, Cos Its Good Innit Thats When Your Body's Replemishing.

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I Just Sort Of Go Along And Say What I Think -and That's All You Can Do In Life, Really.

The Great Pyramid Is Overrated. It's A Bad Design. The Lounge Is Going To Be Huge, But The Bedroom Is Going To Be Tiny.

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Niece And Nephew

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Everywhere We Walked We Got Plenty Of Attention Due To The Camera And Sound Men. The Locals Love To Get On Camera. [...] I'd Seen Footage Of Gandhi Surrounded Like This And Always Thought It Was Because He Was Very Popular, But Now I Wonder If It Was Just Because He Had A Camera Crew With Him.

We're Gonna Get Weaker. That's Already Happened. They Used To Say, You Know, An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away. Now They're Saying Eat Five Fruits. That's Evidence. You Can't Argue With That.

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What Happens If Someone Else Has My Eyes, And They Start Looking At Stuff I Don't Like? I Don't Like The Idea Of That.

A Single Vision Is More Perfect Than A Committee Vision Because With Everyone Having Their Say, It Becomes Compromised.

It's Just Hassle Of Having Friends And Family An' That.

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If You Haven't Got Eyes, You Shouldn't Have Wings

Every Step Starts With A Step.

Every Problem Solved Is A Problem Made.

I Never Buy A Piece Of Art. I Don't See The Point In Buying Something Because I Know My Eyes Will Get Bored Of It Eventually.

If You Can't Do It, Don't Do It.

I've Always Wanted To Kick A Duck Up The Arse

I'd Rather Live In A Cave With A View Of A Palace Than Live In A Palace With A View Of A Cave.

I Saw A Bee Have A Heart Attack.

The Web Is The New Book Though, Innit?

I Don't Want To Go About Offending People, That's Not My Plan.

There Is No Need For Ants To Have The Ability To Fly

A Slug Is Always On Its Own. It's A Lonely Insect.

It Would Be Spiteful To Put A Jellyfish In A Trifle.

I'm Not A Proper Traveler. I Don't Like To Be Challenged Or Have Too Much Of A Change And Prefer A Week Away Just To Relax.

I'm Not Invited To Any Exciting Parties And My Life Hasn't Really Changed.

Blind People Can Stay Up Longer Than Someone With Eyes.

I Know Who I Am. Bloody Hell, I'm Getting Enough Bills For Karl Pilkington So I Hope I Am Him, 'cos If I'm Not, I Have No Idea Who I'm Paying For

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Why Didn't Evolution Make A Giraffe Good At Carpentry So It Could Build A Ladder?

I'm A Bit Rubbish At Knowing When Something Is Good. But If It Goes Out And I Can Say, "i Wasn't As Bad As I Thought I Would Be", Then I'll Be Happy. Until Then, I'll Be Thinking, "i Shouldn't Be Here!"

Classes Teaching You How To Breathe. I'm 32, I Think I've Got The Hang Of It.

Fishing: I Don't Really Like It. I Don't Really Like The Expression On The Fish's Face.

Everyone Is Living For Everyone Else Now. They're Doing Stuff So They Can Tell Other People About It. I Don't Get All That Social Media Stuff, I've Always Got Other Things I Want To Do - Odd Jobs Around The House. No One Wants To Hear About That.

I'm Really Happy. I Just Don't Choose To Show It.

All Fame Is Is Having People You Don't Know Coming Up To You And Saying, 'hello.' I'm Always Polite And People Are Always Nice, But It's Weird.

I Am Pessimistic, I Think That's The Best Way To Be, Because If You're Always Expecting The Best - The Best Doesn't Always Happen. Nine Times Out Of 10 It Doesn't. I'm Surprised When Things Go Smoothly. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Being Pessimistic - Unless You Are Such A Pessimist That You Don't Do Anything.

I Don't Know What The Future Is, But You Just Do It Whilst It's There, Don't You?

Pigeons: They've Got Wings, But They Walk A Lot.

You Don't Get Anything Done By Planning

If You Are Living The Dream, How Do You Know If You Are Asleep Or Awake?

I Could Eat A Knob At Night.

The Only Reason You Don't Go On Holiday, Is 'cause You Have To Spend Money.

When You've Been On A Programme Called 'an Idiot Abroad' Job Offers Aren't Exactly Flying In.

We'll All Die Out Eventually. Humans Will Be Gone. And All I'm Saying Is, When People Worry About Polar Bears Disappearing Or Whatever, It's Like, Well That's Life, Things Will Come And Go, We'll Find New Species...

It Is Hard Eating A Little Kangaroo Knob.

The Problem I Have With All This Religion Stuff Is That I Can't Relate To It. I Think Most People Got Into 'cos It Gave Them Something To Do On A Sunday, But Since All The Shops Are Now Open It Isn't Required As Much.

I Found That Being With Happy Positive People Annoys Me.

Positive People

Me Mum Used To Always Have The Radio On - Even Now She Has It On In Every Room. Me Girlfriend Sort Of Blames That Reason For Me Not Doing That Well At School - Constant Noise, Really.

People Always Tell Me I'm Going To Regret Not Having Kids. But What If I Have One And Then I Regret Having It? Has Anyone Thought Of That Option?

You Know, When You're A Producer, You're A Bit Of A Lackey. You're Just Making Cups Of Tea And Making Sure They've Got Newspaper, Stuff Like That.

I Always Have A Problem Liking Things I'm Told I Should Like.

Normally You Can't Hear You're Own Voice Because You're Talking Over It.

It's Not A Joke: I Really Do Like Being At Home.

I've Never Won Many Awards, I Didn't Get Certificates For Swimming Or Anything.

I Mean, I Am Into Nature And Seeing Whales. I Went Whale-watching, And I Was Really Looking Forward To That, But When You See It On Tv And You See Other Programs Do It, You're Seeing Close-ups Of These Massive Creatures, And The Music That's Added Gives You A Certain Feeling.

There Was Some Women In A Café The Other Week That I Was Sat In, And She Came Up And She Sat Down With Her Mate And She Was Talkin' Loudly Goin' On About "oh The Baby's Lovely." They Said It's Got, Er, Lovely Big Eyes, Er, Really Big Hands And Feet. Now That Doesn't Sound Like A Nice Baby To Me. I Felt Like Sayin' It Sounds Like A Frog. But I Thought I Don't Know Her, There's Only So Much You Can Say To A Stranger. I Don't Know What Kept Me From Sayin' It.

You Never Get An Angry Man Suddenly Breaking Into A Whistle.

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