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I've Been On The Planet For 40 Years Now, And I'm Still None The Wiser As To What It's All About Really. I've Never Worried About Life's Big Questions. People At My Age Sit About Pondering, 'why Are We Here?' The Only Time I Ever Asked Myself That Is When Suzanne Booked Us A Surprise Holiday To Lanzarote.

-Karl Pilkington

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I've Been On The

Karl Pilkington

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I've Been On The Planet For 40 Years Now, And I'm Still None The Wiser As To What It's All About Really. I've Never Worried About Life's Big Questions. People At My Age Sit About Pondering, 'why Are We Here?' The Only Time I Ever Asked Myself That Is When Suzanne Booked Us A Surprise Holiday To Lanzarote.

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At Some Point, Some Insect Has Had Sex With A Leaf.

We've Had The Iron Age, The Stone Age, This Is The Pissin' About Age.

It Is Hard Eating A Little Kangaroo Knob.

If You Haven't Got Eyes, You Shouldn't Have Wings

I Say Have The Night And Give People The Awards, But Why Do People Want To Watch People Win Awards? What Are They Getting Out Of It? I Don't Quite Get It. Because They Have Awards All The Time; There's Awards For Butchers, The Best Meat Served, But They Don't Televise It. I Don't Know Why They Do It For Films Or Tv Programs.

I Saw A Bee Have A Heart Attack.

That's The Problem With Them Fables, They're Putting Animals Together That Wouldn't Meet. I Don't Know Where A Scorpion Is Knockin' Around With A Frog.

Happiness Is Like A Cake: Have Too Much Of It And You Get Sick Of It.

I Told Her That I Can't Be Doing With The Wonder Part Of These Trips, But She Said It Should Be The Icing On The Cake... I've Never Liked Wedding Cake Due To The Amount Of Icing, But Then Imagine A Wedding Cake Without It; Just A Dark, Stodgy, Horrible Dry Sponge. The Icing Covers Up The Mess, And That's How I Feel About Most Of The Wonders. They Use Them To Get People To Visit A Place That You Probably Wouldn't Think About Visiting.

I Know Who I Am. Bloody Hell, I'm Getting Enough Bills For Karl Pilkington So I Hope I Am Him, 'cos If I'm Not, I Have No Idea Who I'm Paying For

I Was Still Using My Eyes Even Though I Had Them Shut.

If You Had Five Photos Of Anuses, I Could Not Point Mine Out.

Sometimes You Can Know Too Much. A Lot Of Brainy People Like Stephen Fry Are Quite Depressive.

Shitty Nappy Whizzing Through The Air, You Don't See That In The Brochures.

I Am Pessimistic, I Think That's The Best Way To Be, Because If You're Always Expecting The Best - The Best Doesn't Always Happen. Nine Times Out Of 10 It Doesn't. I'm Surprised When Things Go Smoothly. I Don't Know What's Wrong With Being Pessimistic - Unless You Are Such A Pessimist That You Don't Do Anything.

The Problem I Have With All This Religion Stuff Is That I Can't Relate To It. I Think Most People Got Into 'cos It Gave Them Something To Do On A Sunday, But Since All The Shops Are Now Open It Isn't Required As Much.

I Could Eat A Knob At Night.

I Mean, I Don't Really Go Out At Night In Terms Of Noisy, Busy Places; I Prefer More Of A Quiet Corner Somewhere.

If Camels Are The Ship Of The Dessert, This One Is The Titanic

Why Didn't Evolution Make A Giraffe Good At Carpentry So It Could Build A Ladder?

If You Don't Sleep You Get Run Down. Sloths Never Get A Flu, Cos Its Good Innit Thats When Your Body's Replemishing.

I've Never Won Many Awards, I Didn't Get Certificates For Swimming Or Anything.

There Is Someone For Everyone, I'nt There. That's Always My Thing. And It's Reassuring I Think.

Me In A One-man Tent Crouching Over Carrier Bag. It's Not Just The Lowest Point Of The Trip. It's The Lowest Point Ever. In 38 Years.

You Can Only Talk Rubbish If You're Aware Of Knowledge.

I Mean, I Am Into Nature And Seeing Whales. I Went Whale-watching, And I Was Really Looking Forward To That, But When You See It On Tv And You See Other Programs Do It, You're Seeing Close-ups Of These Massive Creatures, And The Music That's Added Gives You A Certain Feeling.

I'm A Bit Rubbish At Knowing When Something Is Good. But If It Goes Out And I Can Say, "i Wasn't As Bad As I Thought I Would Be", Then I'll Be Happy. Until Then, I'll Be Thinking, "i Shouldn't Be Here!"

I Came Face-to-face With A Gorilla Which Was Quite Good, But It Was A 10-hour Trek In Bad Weather, Up Hills, Covered In Mud, With Mosquitoes Everywhere And When We Got There The Gorilla's Just Sat There Doing Nowt.

It's Like There's Some Unwritten Rule That If You're Mates, You Can Say What You Want To Each Other, And You Don't Really Get That Annoyed About It.

I Think It's Clever How Rome Have Kept A Load Of Old Stuff. There's No Overheads, Yet People Are Going Over There To See It.

I've Never Understood The 'things To Do Before You Die' Idea. If I Was Ill, I'd Be In No Mood To Have A Swim With A Dolphin.

I'm Not A Proper Traveler. I Don't Like To Be Challenged Or Have Too Much Of A Change And Prefer A Week Away Just To Relax.

Heaven? Floating About With Everyone You Ever Knew For Eternity? Me Family Does Me 'ed In After One Day At Xmas, I'd Rather Be Mush.

I Always Have A Problem Liking Things That I'm Told I Should Like. This Has Been The Problem With Most Of The Wonders I Have Seen So Far. The Fact That This One Is Called The 'great' Wall Of China Annoys Me. I'll Decide If It's Great Or Not. It Might End Up Being The 'all Right Wall Of China' To Me.

If You’re Worrying About The Wrinkles On Your Bollocks I’d Say Your Life’s Pretty Good

People Moan About Drugs Being Tested On Animals. I Sort Of Think It Depends Innit. If The Drug's Aspirin And The Monkey's Got A Headache, Is It Right?

I Sometimes Wonder How We're Short Of Cod. There's Gonna Be A Load Deep Down That Are Hiding. But It's A Good Reason To Put The Price Up, And It Means A Load Of People Will Have Haddock. They Should Tell People They're Running Out Of All Sorts. Make 'em Panic A Bit.

The Cafe Was Called Tattoos. The Fella Who Owned It Didn't Have Any Tattoos... But We Never Saw His Wife.

I Don't Really Like Surprises. Not Big Ones Anyway. Just Having A Pack Of Revels Holds Enough Of A Surprise For Me.

You Know, When You're A Producer, You're A Bit Of A Lackey. You're Just Making Cups Of Tea And Making Sure They've Got Newspaper, Stuff Like That.

It's Just Hassle Of Having Friends And Family An' That.

Family And Friends

I Was Impressed By The Taj Mahal. A Good Bit Of Work, Well Looked After, Worth Paying Money To See.

A Single Vision Is More Perfect Than A Committee Vision Because With Everyone Having Their Say, It Becomes Compromised.

People Say Having Kids Is Life Changing, Well That Doesn't Necessarily Mean A Good Thing, Does It? I Could Take One Of My Legs Off. That Would Change My Life.

Being Honest With You, It's Not The 'great' Wall Of China. It's An All Right Wall. It's The 'all Right Wall Of China.'

I've Been On The Planet For 40 Years Now, And I'm Still None The Wiser As To What It's All About Really. I've Never Worried About Life's Big Questions. People At My Age Sit About Pondering, 'why Are We Here?' The Only Time I Ever Asked Myself That Is When Suzanne Booked Us A Surprise Holiday To Lanzarote.

I'd Rather Live In A Cave With A View Of A Palace Than Live In A Palace With A View Of A Cave.

I've Heard That Fact, That Is You Eat More Than Six Bananas It Will Kill You. I Saw A Bowl With Seven Bananas In It And I Thought, That's Dangerous.

If You Don't Have A Plan, You Can End Up Doing Some Interesting Things.

Well...like, When You're Born, You're A Little Baby, You're Wrinkly And Stuff, When You Get Older You Sort Of Morph Into A Baby Again.

It's Easier To Have A Go At Something Again When You Failed At It As You've Got Nowt To Lose.

Be The Ugly One, Look At The Nice One.

If You'd Have Told Me Five Years Ago That I'd Have Done All This - Two Books, Some Television And Everything - I'd Panic, I'd Be Scared.

Yesterday, I Did Some Painting Then Went Out To Buy An Onion And Came Home And Watched 'university Challenge.' The Onion Was Probably The Highlight.

There Is No Need For Ants To Have The Ability To Fly

Well I'm Trying To Think What I Put In... I Think I Put In 'why?' To See If I'd Confuse The Computer.

They Say It All Started Out With A Big Bang. But, What I Wonder Is, Was It A Big Bang Or Did It Just Seem Big Because There Wasn't Anything Else To Drown It Out At The Time?

I Really Can't Believe What A State The Pyramids Are In. I Thought They Had Flat Rendered Sides, But When You Get Up Close, You See How They Are Just Giant Boulders Balanced On Top Of Each Other, Like A Massive Game Of Jenga That Has Got Out Of Hand.

It Annoys Me A Bit How People Like Squirrels But Not Rats. At The End Of The Day They're The Same Thing, Except That Squirrels Have Had A Better Upbringing.

The End Of The Day

I Came Up With A Good Idea... See-through Skin.

You Never See An Old Man Eating A Twix

People Who Live In A Glass House Have To Answer The Door.

With Identical Twins, You Always Get A Little Snidey One.

We're Gonna Get Weaker. That's Already Happened. They Used To Say, You Know, An Apple A Day Keeps The Doctor Away. Now They're Saying Eat Five Fruits. That's Evidence. You Can't Argue With That.

They Do It In Thai Restaurants In London. You Ask For A Drink, And It Comes In A Glass With Loads Of Seaweed And Pebbles In It Like A Scene From Finding Nemo.

I'm Really Happy. I Just Don't Choose To Show It.

I Don't Know Any Londoners 'cos I'm From Manchester.

When I Was Younger I Remember Once I Went To Bed And I Was So Happy That I Laughed Myself To Sleep.

I've Always Wanted To Kick A Duck Up The Arse

We Are Always Making More And More Stuff In The World. You Know; Big Buildings, Big Planes, Big Boats And That. Will We Ever Get To A Point Where All This Is Too Heavy For The World To Handle?

I'm Not Invited To Any Exciting Parties And My Life Hasn't Really Changed.

It's Weird How Me And That Insect Are Miles Apart In Terms Of Lifestyle, Yet We Both Like A Biscuit.

Your Dreams Should Never Be Better Than Your Real Life

What I Mean Is, I Don't Know What I Mean.

I've Got Loads Of Nieces And Nephews.

Niece And Nephew

Could The World Fall?

Me Mum Used To Always Have The Radio On - Even Now She Has It On In Every Room. Me Girlfriend Sort Of Blames That Reason For Me Not Doing That Well At School - Constant Noise, Really.

The Elephant Man Would Never Have Gotten Up And Gone, ‘oh, God. Look At Me Hair Today.’

It's 2006, Why Are They Still Using The Index Finger?

You Don't Have To Do It Straight Away, But Just Do It Before It Gets Really Bad.

It's Not Easy Keeping A Diary. You Have To Be Pretty Committed.

The Other Day I Was Thinking - Because I Get A Lot Of Headaches - I Was Wondering Whether The Head Should Be Where It Is. Because, At The End Of The Day, It's Probably The Heaviest Part Of Your Body, Right? And Yet It's At The Top As Opposed To, I Don't, Dangling At The Bottom Somewhere.

The End Of The Day

The Great Pyramid Is Overrated. It's A Bad Design. The Lounge Is Going To Be Huge, But The Bedroom Is Going To Be Tiny.

Fishing: I Don't Really Like It. I Don't Really Like The Expression On The Fish's Face.

I'm Just Sayin', I Don't Like Fun.

If Dracula Can’t See His Reflection, How Come His Parting’s Always Neat?

A Problem Solved Is A Problem Caused.

She Gave Me The Jabs And Said I Was Covered For Every Worst-case Scenario, Including Being Bitten By A Dirty Chimp. I Told Her This Is Why We Have Over-population Problems. Why Are Idiots Who Annoy Dirty Chimps Being Protected?

Population Problem

Worst Case Scenario

The Tudors, I Don't Even Know If I Had A Family Back Then.

If You Live In A Glass House, Don't Be Chucking Stuff About.

When You've Been On A Programme Called 'an Idiot Abroad' Job Offers Aren't Exactly Flying In.

They Keep Saying That Sea Levels Are Rising An' All This. It's Nowt To Do With The Icebergs Melting, It's Because There's Too Many Fish In It. Get Rid Of Some Of The Fish And The Water Will Drop. Simple. Basic Science.

What Happens If Someone Else Has My Eyes, And They Start Looking At Stuff I Don't Like? I Don't Like The Idea Of That.

Every Step Starts With A Step.

My Brain's Just Full Of Passwords.

I Think People Would Live A Bit Longer If They Didn't Know How Old They Were. Age Puts Restrictions On Things.

Chinese People Age Overnight.

It Would Be Spiteful To Put A Jellyfish In A Trifle.

There's A Lot Of Idiots In The World, So Live With It.

Avocados, It's A Food That Ain't Worth Injuring Yourself For. If It's A Hassle To Get Into, Leave It To The Experts.

I Always Have A Problem Liking Things I'm Told I Should Like.

That Impresses Me More, Inventin' Electricity.

Stop Looking At The Walls, Look Out The Window.

I Look At Life Like A Big Book And Sometimes You Get Half Way Through It And Go 'even Though I've Been Enjoying It, I've Had Enough. Give Us Another Book.'

The Only Reason You Don't Go On Holiday, Is 'cause You Have To Spend Money.

Parrots Have Gone A Bit Quiet Since Pirates Have Gone.

They've Found This Spider, In The Jungle. Three Foot Long, It Eats Chicken. Bit Weird, Innit. People Moan Saying That You Shouldn't Lock Animals Up And All The Rest Of It, But To Be Honest I Wish It Was Locked Up. The Idea That It's Roaming In A Jungle... Get It Locked Up.

Stay Green, Stay In The Woods, And Stay Safe.

People Always Tell Me I'm Going To Regret Not Having Kids. But What If I Have One And Then I Regret Having It? Has Anyone Thought Of That Option?

People Eat Duck And You Think, Well, We've Got Loads Of Chickens, Leave The Ducks Alone!

A Slug Is Always On Its Own. It's A Lonely Insect.

At What Point Is A Wasp Ever Going To Have A Chat With A Spider?

I'd Say The Best Is When I Was In Africa, I Saw A Hippo In A House. Someone Had A Pet Hippo. And They're Meant To Be One Of The Most Dangerous Animals On The Planet, And They Had One That Was Sort Of Just Wandering In And Out Of Their House, Just Sort Of Roaming About.

All Fame Is Is Having People You Don't Know Coming Up To You And Saying, 'hello.' I'm Always Polite And People Are Always Nice, But It's Weird.

I Don't Know Why Small Chocolates Are Called Fun-sized; I Mean, If I Called A Midget Fun-sized, They'd Kick Off.

There’s Fish In Here That I’ve Read About That Are So See-through That They’re Invisible. So I Don’t Even Think They Know They Exist.

Pigeons: They've Got Wings, But They Walk A Lot.

This Is The Problem With Over-crowded Inner-city Schools There Aren't Enough Parts For Everyone In The Nativity Story.

Treat The World Like A Head.

I Found That Being With Happy Positive People Annoys Me.

Positive People

Everyone Is Living For Everyone Else Now. They're Doing Stuff So They Can Tell Other People About It. I Don't Get All That Social Media Stuff, I've Always Got Other Things I Want To Do - Odd Jobs Around The House. No One Wants To Hear About That.

Neil Armstrong, That Spaceman, He Went To The Moon But He Ain't Been Back. It Can't Have Been That Good.

As Long As You're Remembering Baby Jesus, Does It Matter When You're Remembering Him. That's What I'm Saying About Christmas, I Might Not Be In The Mood For It December 25th.

If You Can't Do It, Don't Do It.

Apparently You're Not Allowed To Lick A Toad's Back.

There Was Some Women In A Café The Other Week That I Was Sat In, And She Came Up And She Sat Down With Her Mate And She Was Talkin' Loudly Goin' On About "oh The Baby's Lovely." They Said It's Got, Er, Lovely Big Eyes, Er, Really Big Hands And Feet. Now That Doesn't Sound Like A Nice Baby To Me. I Felt Like Sayin' It Sounds Like A Frog. But I Thought I Don't Know Her, There's Only So Much You Can Say To A Stranger. I Don't Know What Kept Me From Sayin' It.

It's Not A Joke: I Really Do Like Being At Home.

And We've Got A Toaster And Everything. So There Is No Reason For The Wedding.

Making The 'an Idiot Abroad' Series, I Was Really Dreading Going To India; I Thought I'd Hate It. It Was A Nightmare, And I Was Really Ill - Just Like Everyone Says.

Knowledge Is Almost Annoying.

In The Sea You've Got To Be Constantly Sort Of Alert. It's Worse In The Sea [than Anywhere Else In The Animal Kingdom]. In The Sea You've Got An Enemy Behind Every Rock.

To Me, A Cat Is An Easy Pet, They Don't Need Any Spoiling Or Looking After.

I Don't Want To Go About Offending People, That's Not My Plan.

The Web Is The New Book Though, Innit?

I Don't Know What The Future Is, But You Just Do It Whilst It's There, Don't You?

Now Sometimes I Don't Know If I Feel Well. Because I've Been In My Body For Years.

I Don’t Think I’ve Ever Felt This Lost, Even In Wales.

The Poorer People And Criminals Of Mexico Who Are Not Very Religious But Not Quite Atheists, Either, Worship Saint Death.

Classes Teaching You How To Breathe. I'm 32, I Think I've Got The Hang Of It.

It's Interesting To See That People Had So Much Clutter Even Thousands Of Years Ago. The Only Way To Get Rid Of It All Was To Bury It, And Then Some Archaeologist Went And Dug It All Up.

I Don’t Understand Why People Take Pictures Of Mimes. Everyone Looks Like A Mime In A Picture.

I Just Sort Of Go Along And Say What I Think -and That's All You Can Do In Life, Really.

If You’re Not Happy Looking A Knob In The Face, There’s Something Wrong.

You Don't Get Anything Done By Planning

I Don't Think I'd Be A Very Good Parent. I'd Be Too Honest.

Normally You Can't Hear You're Own Voice Because You're Talking Over It.

If You Are Living The Dream, How Do You Know If You Are Asleep Or Awake?

Whether It's A Potato Or A Nut, It's A Foodage!

I Don't Watch Much Telly, The Telly Hardly Goes On, But The Things I Do Watch Are Sort Of Nature Programs, And Something About The Oceans And The Amount Of Weird Fish That's In There.

[jellyfish] Are 97% Water Or Something, So How Much Are They Doing? Just Give Them Another 3% And Make Them Water. It's More Useful.

Who'd Have Thought The Frisbee Would Have Caught On?

Cat Food. It Stinks A Bit, But If You Don't Put Up With The Smell, The Little Kitten Will Die.

A Block Of Blood Should Not Have The Word "cake" After It...they Might As Well Say "shite Gateau

By 78 You've Done Everything You're Going To Do. If You Haven't Bungee-jumped By The Time You're 78 You're Not Going To Do It.

Blind People Can Stay Up Longer Than Someone With Eyes.

I Find That If You Just Talk, Your Mouth Comes Up With Stuff.

We've Invented Most Of The Stuff That We Need And Now We're Just Messing About

If You Sit In A Bath Of Pineapple Chunks, It Can Kill You. That's Well Documented.

I Never Buy A Piece Of Art. I Don't See The Point In Buying Something Because I Know My Eyes Will Get Bored Of It Eventually.

We'll All Die Out Eventually. Humans Will Be Gone. And All I'm Saying Is, When People Worry About Polar Bears Disappearing Or Whatever, It's Like, Well That's Life, Things Will Come And Go, We'll Find New Species...

Everywhere We Walked We Got Plenty Of Attention Due To The Camera And Sound Men. The Locals Love To Get On Camera. [...] I'd Seen Footage Of Gandhi Surrounded Like This And Always Thought It Was Because He Was Very Popular, But Now I Wonder If It Was Just Because He Had A Camera Crew With Him.

Every Problem Solved Is A Problem Made.

You Never Get An Angry Man Suddenly Breaking Into A Whistle.

I Know When I Was A Kid I Ate A Beetle. I Ate A Beetle Because I Thought It Was Licorice.

People Say Dolphins Are Intelligent And That But They’ve Never Done Anything That Have Blown Me Away. They Say I’m A Div And Dolphins Are Intelligent…it Just Baffles Me.

Does The Brain Control You Or Are You Controlling The Brain? I Don't Know If I'm In Charge Of Mine.

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