Background Image

...

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush

David Letterman

...

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

Views: 8

Topic

More From David Letterman

New Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman Is Fluent In Chinese. In A Short Period Of Time The Republicans Have Come Quite A Long Way. The Last Republican President Wasn't Even Fluent In English.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

You Know Kim Jong Un, The Evil Dictator Of North Korea? Apparently, A Guy In His Inner Circle Used His Ashtray While Smoking And Kim Jong Un Had Him Executed. I Remember The Same Thing Happened When A Guy Used Martha Stewart's Personal Lemon Zester.

Everyday Is A Compromise.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

When I Became A Sigma Chi It Was Great, Because They Were The Pople I Enjoyed Being With And I Was Very Proud Of The Association. It Was Kind Of An Instant Confidence Builder For Me--that What I Considered The Best Fraternity On Campus Had Actually Wanted Me. And I Had Always Been Very Shy And Without A Lot Of Confidence. So It Was A Really Good Social Experience And For Me It Was Also A Social Maturation. It Was A Great Benefit.

There's Only One Requirement Of Any Of Us, And That Is To Be Courageous. Because Courage, As You Might Know, Defines All Other Human Behavior. And, I Believe - Because I've Done A Little Of This Myself - Pretending To Be Courageous Is Just As Good As The Real Thing.

Sunday Is The Academy Awards. Every Time An Actor Says, 'i Didn't Expect This,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Do A Shot.

Sarah Palin Made Her Debut As A Fox News Analyst. They Finally Found A Job That She's Not Under-qualified For.

New York City Has 2 Million Rats. We Used To Have 8 Million Rats. Now We're Down To 2 Million. You Know What That Means? We Lose Four Electoral Votes.

Honey, What Happened To "ladies First"? Husband Replies, "that's The Reason Why The Worlds A Mess Today, Because A Lady Went First!"

You Folks Feeling The Economic Pinch? Are You A Little Fed Up With The Economic News? It's Bad. The Department Stores, This Holiday Season, No Santa Claus. They're Laying Off Department-store Santa Clauses. So More Bad News For John Mccain.

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.

Herman Cain Said, Starting Today, If You Buy Into His 9-9-9 Plan, He'll Throw In A Free 32-ounce Soda.

Over The Weekend, Of Course, Down There In Washington, D.c., They Had The Big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do You Know Who Was Really Funny? President Obama. So Funny, In Fact, He Has Already Been Promised 'the Tonight Show' In Five Years.

George W. Bush Has A New Campaign Slogan: "a Reformer With Results." I Don't Know What It Means [but] I Think It's Better Than His Old Campaign Slogan: "a Dumb Guy With Connections.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

The Issue Of Gay Marriage Has Reached The Supreme Court And Observers Are Analyzing Every Detail To Predict How Each Justice Will Vote. Experts Say Chief Justice John Roberts Is Likely To Rule In Favor Of Gay Marriage Based On The Fact That He Spent Tuesday's Hearings Watching The Tony Award Nominations.

Mitt Romney Is Running For President Again. That Will Be Attempt No. 3. Well, Everybody Needs A Hobby. He's Almost Certainly Running, And I'm Almost Certainly Retiring, So I Don't Care.

Iraq Is So Bad That President Obama Phoned Hillary Clinton And Asked Her If She Could Start Early.

Cia Director George Tenet Has Now Testified Before The 9/11 Commission And He Said We Are Still Making The Same Dumb Mistakes, Like Leaving Memos On The President's Desk.

Some Good News. Finally, President Bush Is Going To Do Something About Global Warming. He Became Alarmed When Another Chunk Of Ice Fell Off His Mother.

Today Coming To Work, I Saw One Of Those Only In New York Scenes. It Was A Rat Who Had Passed Out After Choking On A Pretzel.

Insiders Say That Trump Is Running For President As A Publicity Stunt. That's Not The Donald Trump I Know.

Bp Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

Hillary Clinton Is Running For President. This Time Around, She Promises To Be Warm And Approachable. Like Me.

Let's Have Some Wine, Go Upstairs, And Look At My Money.

Don't Worry About Me. I Plan To Continue To Be In Show Business. I Have Already Been Booked To Be In A Production Of 'the Sunshine Boys' With Jay Leno.

I Mean You Think About The Guy, The Nigerian Guy, Who Was Going To Blow Up The Plane. He Was Wearing A Pair Of Fruit Of The Lunatic. ... Guy Was Not Too Bright. He Said That The Reason He Became A Suicide Bomber Was To Work His Way Up In The Al Qaeda Organization.

The Pope Also Said That While He's In Town He Would Like To Go See 'the Book Of Mormon.'

I'll Be 50 Years Old Tomorrow And That Means, Among Other Things, That Now Bob Dole Can Start Telling Jokes About Me.

Welcome To The Program. My Name Is Dave Letterman, And Tonight I'm Giving My Two-week Notice.

Did You Folks See President Bush's State Of The Union Address? How About That Surprise Announcement? Howard Dean Has Been Captured And He's In The Hands Of Interrogators.

I'm Still Here. I Knocked Off Another Competitor.

Arnold Is Now The Front Runner. Everyone Was Snickering About It A Month Ago, Now It Looks Like He Will Be The Next Governor Of California. He Is So Confident He Has Already Chosen A Body Oil For The Inauguration.

A Small Handgun Makes Any Tv Remote Control.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

I Vote Democrat Because Freedom Of Speech Is Fine As Long As Nobody Is Offended By It.

Freedom Of Speech

Newt Gingrich Says He Wants To Get Rid Of Social Security. Who Is More Qualified To Give This Country Financial Advice Than A Guy Who Ran Up A Half-million Dollar Bill At Tiffany?

To Save Energy, New York City Is Now Dimming The Lights Of The Skyscrapers And The Skyline At Night. There's A Bad Side To This. If You Need Batman, You Have To Text Him.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

The Big Debate Right Now Is If Saddam Is Alive Or Dead. He's Dead, Then He's Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive. It's Just Confusing. Today They Showed Videotape, And Saddam Was Speaking At His Own Funeral.

You Can Now Buy A Pack Of Beer Containing 99 Cans. A 99-can Pack Of Beer. Who Says America Has Lost Its Competitive Edge?

Donald Trump May Be Running For President. He Said He Is Sick And Tired Of The Rest Of The World Laughing At The United States. Well, President Trump Will Certainly Put An End To That.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.

Happy Birthday To Fay Wray, A Wonderful Actress. She Was, Of Course, In The Movie 'king Kong' And Would Have Been 99-years-old Today. She Was Famous Because Of Her Love Interest With A Giant Ape, And, Wait A Minute, That's Maria Shriver.

I'm A Wiseass And A Smartass, And I Always Have Been.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Oil Companies Profits Of 4% On A Gallon Of Gas Are Obscene, But The Government Taxing The Same Gallon At 15% Isn't.

Tim Tebow May Be Back In The Nfl With The Philadelphia Eagles. As You Remember, He Was Thrown Out Of The League When He Landed His Gyrocopter On The White House Lawn.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe That Businesses Should Not Be Allowed To Make Profits For Themselves. They Need To Break Even And Give The Rest Away To The Government For Redistribution As The Democrat Party Sees Fit.

The Post Office Is Raising The Price Of Stamps Again. I Heard That And Said To Myself, 'if Only There Was An Inexpensive Electronic Way Of Communicating.'

Do You Know Who Is Ready To Go With The Presidential Campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb Already Has Plans To End The War In Iraq That His Brother Started. All He Needs Is A Hot Tub Time Machine.

Weak Coffee Is The Greatest Sin Against Humanity.

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

Today Is Earth Day. The Way I See It, As Humans The Very Least We Can Do Is Recycle. A Lot Of Recycling Is Going On This Year. For Example, Bushes And Clintons.

Those North Korean Hackers Are At It Again. Earlier Today They Leaked Santa's Naughty List.

Political Pundits Are Saying President George W. Bush Has Made Gains In Two Key States: Dazed And Confused.

Newt Gingrich Wants To Repeal Child Labor Laws. Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is The Man That We Need To Lead Us Into The 18th Century.

The World's Oldest Woman Passed Away At 116. They Keep Dying. I Think That Title May Be Cursed.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

President Bush Has Said That He Does Not Need Approval From The Un To Wage War, And I'm Thinking, Well, Hell, He Didn't Need The Approval Of The American Voters To Become President, Either.

Experts Say This Global Warming Is Serious, And They Are Predicting Now That By The Year 2050, We Will Be Out Of Party Ice.

It's The First Day Of Spring. That Means This Weekend I'll Take Down My Christmas Lights.

We Thought New York City Was Home To 8 Million Rats. Turns Out, That's A Little High. The Actual Number Is 2 Million Rats. That Explains The Light Turnout For The Midterm Elections.

It Was Stupid Behaviour. And You Take A Look At The Explosion, And It Knocks You Down And You Wake Up Every Morning And You're Scared And You're Depressed And Sad, And You Kind Of Got To Let That Knock You Down And Knock You Down.

Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

New York... When Civilization Falls Apart, Remember, We Were Way Ahead Of You.

I Like Halloween. It Gives You A Chance To Dress Up Like Something You're Not, You Know? Like When The Miami Dolphins Put On Football Uniforms.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

Iraqi's Minister Of Information Did Not Show Up For His Press Conference Today. However, He Claims He Was There And He Said It Went Very Well.

Usa Today Has Come Out With A New Survey - Apparently, Three Out Of Every Four People Make Up 75% Of The Population.

The Japanese Prime Minister Has Apologized For Japan's Part In World War Ii. However, He Still Hasn't Mentioned Anything About Karaoke.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

Obama Took A Tour Of The Great Wall Of China And Said, 'we Need One Of These Things Around The White House.'

Scientists Have Proven Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt That There Is Life After Death -- Though They Say It's Virtually Impossible To Get Decent Chinese Food.

Don't Forget It's Daylight Savings Time. You Spring Forward, Then You Fall Back. It's Like Robert Downey Jr. Getting Out Of Bed.

Hillary Has Now Erased All Of Her Emails, And She Also Had All Of Her Pantsuits Dry Cleaned.

Wherever We've Travelled In This Great Land Of Ours, We've Found That People Everywhere Are About 90% Water.

President Bush Is Going To Establish Elections There In Iraq. He's Going To Rebuild The Infrastructure. He's Going To Create Jobs. He Said If It Works There, He'll Try It Here.

Prince William And Kate Middleton Are In New York City. We Have Got To Do Something About Immigration.

New York City Subways Are Now Getting High Speed Internet. How About Some High Speed Subway Trains?

Bill Clinton Has A Brand New Book Coming Out In A Few Months And The Democrats Are Worried That The Clinton Book Might Upstage The Kerry Campaign. I'm Thinking, Hell, Day-old Meat Loaf Could Upstage That Campaign.

President Obama Went To India, South Korea, Then Japan. He's Going To Keep Travelling Until He Finds His Birth Certificate.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

The First Presidential Debate Was Down In Florida. Residents Spent All Day Putting Plywood On Their Televisions.

I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

When You Think About Flying, It's Nuts Really. Here You Are At About 40,000 Feet, Screaming Along At 700 Miles An Hour And You're Sitting There Drinking Diet Pepsi And Eating Peanuts. It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.

Everybody Is Wondering What Paris Hilton Will Be Doing Next, And Hell, I'm Wondering What She Did Before.

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

Way Too Much Coffee. But If It Weren't For The Coffee, I'd Have No Identifiable Personality Whatsoever.

I Have Nothing Against The North Koreans But This Kim Jong Un Has Got A Screw Loose. A Member Of His Cabinet, His Security Minister, Nods Off, Falls Sleep. We've All Done It. Kim Jong Un Takes The Guy Out And Has Him Executed, Just For Just Falling Asleep. Oh, And He Was Also Deflating Footballs.

You Can Email Me, But I Prefer Letters That Come Through Conventional Mail. I Like Letters That Have Been Licked By Strangers.

Did You Get The New Iphone Yet? The Iphone That I Have Is Outdated. It Has Two Pieces And A Hand Crank.

Keep In Mind That Your Individual Vote Doesn't Mean Anything.

There Was A Flight From Cleveland To New York City With Just Two People On Board. There Hasn't Been Two People On An Airplane Since The Wright Brothers.

Last Night, President Bush Gave A Prime-time Press Conference. It Was Such A Big Deal That Fox Decided To Preempt American Idol. Which Made Sense To Me, You Don't Want Too Many Amateurs On In One Night.

The 4th Of July Combines The Two Things Americans Love Most In One Day: Alcohol And Explosives.

The Best Part About Holiday Parties Is The Alcohol. You Have A Couple Of Drinks And You Tell Your Coworkers And Your Superiors What You Really Think About Them. And Then The Fun Begins.

Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy And I Had To Give The Kids Nicotine Gum.

They're Saying Now That Rick Santorum Is Gaining Momentum Because He's Not Romney. And Mitt Romney Was Furious. He Replied, 'well, I Can Do That.

One Of The Remarkable Things About Being 19 Is That You Can Break Open A Case Of Warm Beer At Midnight And Still Be Wide-eyed And Alert For Your Eight-a.m. Class. And That Gave Me The False Impression That My Life Would Always Be Like That.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

They Found A Cave Once Lived In By Osama Bin Laden And The Only Thing In The Cave Were Some Boxer Undershorts, And Macaroni. I'm Telling You, You Add An Old Stack Of Playboys, This Could Be My Place. It's Like I Have A Twin.

Hillary Clinton Is Driving Across Iowa In A Van. It's To Get To Know The People She'll Never, Ever See Again In Her Life.

Life Experience Is The Best Teacher.

Life Experience

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

An Old Interview Of Arnold Schwartzenegger Has Surfaced Where He Admits To Smoking A Lot Of Pot And Having Sex With Hookers. Finally A Republican All Californians Can Get Behind.

Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean For President. That's Pretty Fitting, The Guy That Didn't Beat Bush Endorsing The Guy Who Won't Beat Bush.

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

And Tar Is Washing Up Onto The Beaches - Big Globs Of Tar. And People Are Saying, 'is That Going To Ruin Our Summer At The Beach?' No, Of Course Not. You Take The Big Blobs Of Tar And You Use Them To Hold Down Your Blanket.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

Are You Getting A Big Kick Out Of The Enron Scandal? I Find This Interesting That Whenever A Big Crisis Starts, People Start Showing Up In Church. So, Ken Lay Shows Up In Church This Weekend. Church Officials Are Still Looking For The Collection Plates.

Every Day We Learn More And More About This Wacky Osama Bin Laden. He Lives In A Cave And At One Time He Was A Womanizer. But Now He Has Settled Down With His Five Wives And 26 Kids, So That's Now All Over. ... He Also Had A Drinking Problem At One Time. I Believe He Went Through 'jihab'

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

Love: You Can't Start It Like A Car, You Can't Stop It With A Gun.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

I Was Once Involved In A Same-sex Marriage. There Was The Same Sex Over And Over And Over.

Republicans Are Having Trouble Luring Gov. Chris Christie Into The Presidential Race. They Should Try Pie.

I Heard Some Good News Today, The Fbi And The Cia Are Going To Start Cooperating. They Are Going To Start Working Together. And If You Don't Know The Difference Between The Fbi And The Cia, The Fbi Bungles Domestic Crime, The Cia Bungles Foreign Crime.

It's Official, Arnold Said He Will Enter The Race For Governor. At Least That's What Everybody Thinks He Said.

Reasons Why Members Of Congress Deserve A Pay Raise: Many Big Corporations Are Cutting Back On Bribes; Nearly Half The Members Have Never Been Indicted.

Happy Birthday To Evil North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. He Gathered Family And Friends Together And Celebrated By Executing A Few Close Friends.

Family And Friends

President Bush Says He Needs A Month Off To Unwind. Unwind? When The Hell Does This Guy Wind?

John Mccain Said That Sarah Palin Is Still A Force In The Republican Party. Then He Got In His Car And Backed Over His Mailbox.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Way Too Irresponsible To Own A Gun, And I Know That My Local Police Are All I Need To Protect Me From Murderers And Thieves. I Am Also Thankful That We Have A 911 Service That Gets Police To Your Home In Order To Identify Your Body After A Home Invasion.

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

I Cannot Sing, Dance Or Act; What Else Would I Be But A Talk Show Host.

Do I Think There Is A Heaven? Uh, Yeah I Do. Like A Really Big Gymnasium. How Do I See Myself There? With Really Bad Seats.

Rick Perry, Started Out Like A Ball Of Fire From Texas And Then He Started To Drop And Now He's Retooling. He's Adding Advisers To His Campaign Team. This Guy Had Advisers? Really?

Say What You Will About Leona Helmsley, When It Comes To Standing Trial, She's Twice The Man Jim Bakker Is.

Illinois Is The Only State Where The Present Governor Rides Around In A Car Whose License Plate Was Made By A Previous Governor.

According To A New Survey, People Who Get Divorced Die Early. People Who Stay Married Live Longer. The Difference Is They Just Wish They Were Dead.

There Was An Embarrassing Moment In The White House Earlier Today. They Were Looking Around While Searching For George Bush's Military Records. They Actually Found Some Old Al Gore Ballots.

Public Service Announcement: In Case Of A Terrorist Attack, Bottled Water And Duct Tape Are Not Going To Do A Damn Thing. So Do What Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge Does: Get Really Drunk, And Pick Up A Hooker.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

While I Was Gone, I Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery On My Heart. Plus, I Got A Haircut.

President Obama Is Sending Troops Back To Iraq. He Said, 'don't Worry, We Should Not Be There Any Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.'

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

Interesting Survey In The Current Journal Of Abnormal Psychology: New York City Has A Higher Percentage Of People You Shouldn't Make Any Sudden Moves Around Than Any Other City In The World.

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

Tip To Out-of-town Visitors. If You Buy Something Here In New York And You Want To Have It Shipped Home, Be Suspicious If The Clerk Tells You They Don't Need Your Name And Address.

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

Delta: We Never Make The Same Mistake Three Times.

You Folks Been Following The Big British Petroleum Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? I'm Telling You, British Petroleum Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

I Don't Know What They Are Protesting At Occupy Wall Street But I'm On Their Side. But 10,000 Protestors And One Porta Potty?

Today Would Have Been The Birthday Of Osama Bin Laden. It Makes Me Remember When Seal Team 6 Threw Him A Surprise Party.

An Anthropologist At Tulane Has Just Come Back From A Field Trip To New Guinea With Reports Of A Tribe So Primitive That They Have Tide But Not New Tide With Lemon-fresh Borax.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

Midnight, And The Kitties Are Sleeping.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

I'll Be Honest With You. It's Beginning To Look Like I'm Not Going To Get 'the Tonight Show.'

The Mars Polar Lander Has Been Quieter Than George W. Bush After A Foreign Policy Question.

Ladies And Gentlemen, After What I've Been Through, I Am Happy Just To Be Wearing Clothes That Open In The Front.

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

Once You're President, You Can't Go Anywhere Without Causing Trouble. President Obama Shows Up In China, He's Chewing Gum, They Go Crazy. A Big Stink Because The President's Chewing Gum. And You Think, The Chinese Are So Easygoing About Human Rights. What's The Problem?

Meryl Streep Is On The Program Tonight. I Like To Throw Her A Little Work Whenever I Can.

I Think I Might Have A Bad Psychic Advisor. When I Asked Her To Contact The Dead, She Gave Me Keith Richards' Phone Number.

I Was Talking To A Friend About Santorum. He Said, 'for All My Years In The State Department, I Know One Thing. Terrorists, What They Fear Most Is A Guy In A Sweater Vest.'

According To The Rand Mcnally Places-rated Almanac, The Best Place To Live In America Is The City Of Pittsburgh. The City Of New York Came In Twenty-fifth. Here In New York We Really Don't Care Too Much. Because We Know That We Could Beat Up Their City Anytime.

Yesterday Was Chinese New Year. It's The Year Of The Rabbit. And Here's How Dumb I Am. I'm Still Writing The Year Of The Pig On My Checks.

Here's Some News From Afghanistan. We're Sending More Troops To Seal Up The Borders. Can We Try That Here? Three Months, 12,000 Pounds Of Bombs And Billions And Billions Of Dollars And The Highest Ranking Enemy We've Captured So Far Is An American.

It's Two Days Until Tax Time. I Know It's Late, But There Is Still Time To Deduct This Show As A Loss.

Herman Cain Has Suspended His Presidential Campaign, But He Has Asked The Secret Service If They Could Continue To Provide Him Protection, At Least Until His Wife Cools Off.

This Will Be Michelle Obama's Last Opportunity To Try To Get Me To Eat Kale.

This Osama Bin Laden, Now They Say He Has Had Plastic Surgery. They Say He Sneaked Across The Border Into Pakistan, Which By The Way Is The Place To Go To Have Plastic Surgery. He Looks Great. A Tourist Came Up To Him Earlier This Week And Said, 'may I Have Your Autograph, Mr. Hasselhoff?'

Today Is The Anniversary Of The Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln Wrote It On His Way To The Site Of The Speech On The Back Of An Envelope. One Guy On The Back Of An Envelope Wrote The Great Gettysburg Address - While Every Night It Takes Six Guys To Write This Crap!

The Cia Special Unit That Was Searching For Osama Bin Laden Has Been Disbanded. So I Guess, Mission Accomplished.

Osama Bin Laden

We're Learning More About Osama Bin Laden. His Father Was Married 16 Times, And He Has Five Wives. I Think We're Getting To The Root Of His Intense Anger. And They Say Bin Laden Never Spends The Night In The Same Place Twice. No, Wait A Minute, That's Clinton.

Mitt Romney Is Quite A Guy. At One Point He And His Wife Bought A Zoo And Fired All The Animals.

President Bush Wants To Build A Space Station On The Moon. And From The Moon, He Wants To Launch People To Mars. You Know What This Means. He's Been Drinking Again.

The Entire Island Of Martha's Vineyard Has Gone Obama Crazy. There's Even A Cocktail That They've Named After Barack Obama. It's Called The Obamarita. Not To Be Confused With A Cocktail Inspired By John Mccain, The Cosmopoligrip. And Then There Was One A Couple Of Years Ago Inspired By George W. Bush, The Mojidiot. Of Course, There Was The Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

I Like My Cinema Gritty, I Like My Eggs Gritty.

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.

The Creepy Stuff Was That I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked For Me On This Show. Now, My Response To That Is Yes I Have. I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked On This Show. Would It Be Embarrassing If It Were Made Public? Perhaps It Would, Especially For The Women.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

I Know These Jokes Aren't Great, Ladies And Gentlemen, See This Is The Problem You Run Into When You're Between Impeachments.

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

I Think The Number One Public-relations Blunder Osama Has Made Is That He Lives In A Cave-fortress And If There's One Thing We've Learned From It's That You Can't Trust A Guy Who Lives In A Cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm Telling You The List Goes On.

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

Former President Bush, To Celebrate His 80th Birthday, Jumped Out Of An Airplane. And If You've Seen The Polls, You Know He's Not The Only Bush In Freefall.

Sarah Palin's Book Is Big, 400 Pages. She Wrote The Book Herself And Agonized Over Every Word, And So Will You.

I Can Hardly Wait Until Donald Trump Announces His Celebrity Cabinet.

Over The Weekend, John Kerry - The Big John Kerry Juggernaut Moves On - He Won Primaries In Washington D.c., Nevada And, I Think, Canada. And He's So Confident That He's Started Nailing That Intern Again.

Hillary Clinton Is Now In Iowa. She's Spending Every Waking Minute Of Her Day Meeting Ordinary People, And It's To Prepare Her For A Job In Which She Will Never Again Meet An Ordinary Person.

God Forbid I Should Be The Last One To Criticize, But I Think May Be Howard Dean Has A Bit Of A Problem Because Earlier Today During A Debate In New Hampshire, He Bit Off Joe Lieberman's Ear.

Here's What We Know About Santa. He Sees You When You're Sleeping. He Knows When You're Awake. He Knows If You've Been Bad Or Good. I Think He's With The Nsa.

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.

Nothing, Believe Me, Nothing Is More Satisfying To Me Personally Than Getting A Great Idea And Then Beatin' It To Death.

Trending Author

Sparky Anderson

George Plimpton

Category