Background Image

...

I Feel Like Bush Presidencies Are Like "godfather" Films. You Should Stop At Two.

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Feel Like Bush

David Letterman

...

I Feel Like Bush Presidencies Are Like "godfather" Films. You Should Stop At Two.

Views: 6

Topic

More From David Letterman

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Way Too Irresponsible To Own A Gun, And I Know That My Local Police Are All I Need To Protect Me From Murderers And Thieves. I Am Also Thankful That We Have A 911 Service That Gets Police To Your Home In Order To Identify Your Body After A Home Invasion.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

The Oil Spill Is Getting Bad. There Is So Much Oil And Tar Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, Cubans Can Now Walk To Miami.

There's Only One Requirement Of Any Of Us, And That Is To Be Courageous. Because Courage, As You Might Know, Defines All Other Human Behavior. And, I Believe - Because I've Done A Little Of This Myself - Pretending To Be Courageous Is Just As Good As The Real Thing.

Every Day Is President's Day When You Have An Intern!

When We Started The Show, There Were Mixed Responses. Half Of The People Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Chance.' The Other Half Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Prayer.'

I Love The Protests. And If You Think About It, What Better Way To Send A Message To Wall Street Than By Sitting In A Pup Tent Banging On A Drum.

I Don't Like Stand-up Comedy That Requires A Lot Of Props. I Really Respect People Who Can Walk Out Onstage Alone And With No Other Tool But Their Own Minds And Can Make You Laugh And Maybe Even Think A Little.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Be Running For President. So You Know What That Means. We Are Getting Closer And Closer To 'president Trump.'

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

They Say There Are About 12 Million Illegal Immigrants In This Country. But If You Ask A Native American, That Number Is More Like 300 Million.

Native American

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Oil Companies Profits Of 4% On A Gallon Of Gas Are Obscene, But The Government Taxing The Same Gallon At 15% Isn't.

According To The Recent Polls, Bush Has A Slight Lead Over John Kerry. So Today, Bush Hung A Banner Over The White House Saying, 'mission Accomplished.'

I Feel Like Bush Presidencies Are Like "godfather" Films. You Should Stop At Two.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Not Concerned About Millions Of Babies Being Aborted So Long As We Keep All Death Row Inmates Alive And Comfy.

New York... When Civilization Falls Apart, Remember, We Were Way Ahead Of You.

The Reason I Vote Democrat Is Because I Think It's Better To Pay Billions For Oil To People Who Hate Us, But Not Drill Our Own Because It Might Upset Some Endangered Beetle, Gopher, Or Fish Here In America. We Don't Care About The Beetles, Gophers, Or Fish In Those Other Countries.

Hillary Clinton Could Use One Of These Apple Watches. She Could Hook It Up To Her Secret Email Account. If You Want To Contact Hillary, She's At Hillary@pantsuit.com.

Someone Did A Study Of The Three Most-often-heard Phrases In New York City. One Is "hey Taxi." Two Is "what Train Do I Take To Get To Bloomingdales?" And Three Is "don't Worry, It's Only A Flesh Wound.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

I'm Still Here. I Knocked Off Another Competitor.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

They Have Dog Food For Constipated Dogs. If Your Dog Is Constipated, Why Screw Up A Good Thing? Stay Indoors And Let 'em Bloat!

Texas Senator Ted Cruz Announced He Is Running For President. Ted Cruz Was Born In Canada, His Father Fled To The United States From Cuba, And Yet Ted Cruz Is Against Immigration. Isn't That Odd?

Childhood. I Wish I Had Something To Complain About.

Dingoes, Jackals, Skunks, Vipers And Weasel Are Now Illegal In New York City. Well Great, Who's Going To Run Cbs?

Donald Trump Is Attacking President Obama's Background. And I Said, 'wait A Minute, Trump Also Is From A Mixed Background. He's Half Jack And Half Ass.'

Do Good Things For Other People.

I'm Very Resourceful. I'd Be Good In Prison. I'd Be Good In A Shipwreck. I'd Make A Great Hostage.

Now In Utah If You Get The Death Sentence, They Have The Firing Squad. In Russia, They Call That Early Retirement.

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

New York City Subways Are Now Getting High Speed Internet. How About Some High Speed Subway Trains?

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.

This Hillary Clinton Scandal Has To Do With Emails. All I Get Are Emails For Canadian Viagra.

This Warning From The New York City Department Of Health Fraud: Be Suspicious Of Any Doctor Who Tries To Take Your Temperature With His Finger.

John Mccain Turned 72 Years Old Last Friday, But The Chinese Are Making Him A Birth Certificate That Says He's Only 33 And Then He'll Be Ready To Go.

If It Wasn't For Coffee, I'd Have No Discernible Personality At All.

I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

While I Was Gone, I Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery On My Heart. Plus, I Got A Haircut.

Sometimes When You Look In His Eyes You Get The Feeling That Someone Else Is Driving.

A New Survey Indicates That Obama Supporters Love Iphones. So If You Have An Iphone, Chances Are You Are Going To Be Supporting President Obama. In A Related Story, If You Support Governor Chris Christie From New Jersey, Chances Are You Love Ihop.

Obama Supporters

Kim Jong Un's Sister Got Married. That Sounds Like Another Seth Rogen Movie, Doesn't It?

Last Night The United States Dropped Four 2,000 Pound Bombs On Saddam Hussein. I Don't Know Anything About Explosives, But, My God, Do Those Things Even Need To Explode?

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

The European Countries Are Really Hoping To Do Well In The Olympics. If They Win Gold Medals, They Can Use Them As Cash.

Kids In Washington Every Year Have The Big Easter Egg Roll On The White House Lawn. The Kids Found 300 Easter Eggs. They Also Found About 10,000 Missing Hillary Emails.

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

Donald Trump Is Talking About Running For President. He Hasn't Made An Announcement, But I Want To Tell You Something. The Fake Suspense Is Killing Me.

Next In Importance To Having A Good Aim Is To Recognize When To Pull The Trigger.

Every Year When It's Chinese New Year Here In New York, There Are Fireworks Going Off At All Hours. New York Mothers Calm Their Frightened Children By Telling Them It's Just Gunfire.

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

You Know You've Had Too Much To Eat For Christmas Dinner When You Slump Down Onto A Beanbag And Realize... There Is No Beanbag.

Due To Budget Crunches, Bush Has Had To Scale Some Of The Programs. He Has A New Program, 'leave A Couple Of Kids Behind.'

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

Sarah Palin, Part-time Governor Of Alaska, Is Angry Because Michele Obama Is Encouraging Kids To Eat Healthy. Sarah Palin Believes The Government Shouldn't Tell Us What To Do. Sarah Palin Believes She Should Tell Us What To Do.

There Is No Off Position On The Genius Switch.

How About That Oil Slick In The Gulf Of Mexico. And You Know, The Oil Slick Is Going Everywhere. So The Next Time Somebody Lands On The Hudson, It Won't Be That Big A Deal.

Once You're President, You Can't Go Anywhere Without Causing Trouble. President Obama Shows Up In China, He's Chewing Gum, They Go Crazy. A Big Stink Because The President's Chewing Gum. And You Think, The Chinese Are So Easygoing About Human Rights. What's The Problem?

President Bush Insisted That There Was Nothing In The August 6th, 2001 Briefing, Which Was Titled 'bin Laden Determined To Attack The United States', That Hinted What Bin Laden Was Up To. Bush Says That He Would Have Moved Mountains To Stop The Attack. Yeah, But He Draws The Line At Reading A Memo.

I Wish The Iphone People Would Design One That's Black And Has Two Pieces, And It Plugs Into The Wall And You Can Pick One Piece Up And Talk Into It. I Tell You, The Whole Time I Had One Of Those Old-fashioned Plug-in Phones, Not Once Did I Misplace It.

Why We Are Here: To Tremble At The Terrible Beauty Of The Stars, To Shed A Tear At The Perfection Of Beethoven's Symphonies, And To Crack A Cold One Now And Then.

Number One: Don't Frisk Me. Don't Hurt Me Physically. Don't Get Anywhere Near My Neck. And Don't Call Me Regis.

I Don't Know What They Are Protesting At Occupy Wall Street But I'm On Their Side. But 10,000 Protestors And One Porta Potty?

The Best Part About Holiday Parties Is The Alcohol. You Have A Couple Of Drinks And You Tell Your Coworkers And Your Superiors What You Really Think About Them. And Then The Fun Begins.

Illinois Is The Only State Where The Present Governor Rides Around In A Car Whose License Plate Was Made By A Previous Governor.

Newt Gingrich's Campaign Is Broke. All The Money Gone. So Now He's Charging $50 For A Photo. And For $100 You Can Marry Him.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Run For President. Mitt Said It's Time For Fresh Faces. So That's Good News For Bruce Jenner.

Well, We're Just A Couple Of Weeks From New President Barack Obama Being Sworn In. And He's Been Very Busy Naming A Lot Of Cabinet Positions. And Today He Announced That He Wants The Surgeon General To Be Tv Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That Was The Kid On 'american Idol,' Wasn't It?

People Say We Need Royalty. We Have Royalty In The United States - The Kardashians.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

A Priest In New York City Was Arrested On Gun Possession. These Days, You Better Be Happy That The Bulge In His Pocket Is A .38.

Let's Have Some Wine, Go Upstairs, And Look At My Money.

The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

They're Saying President Obama Doesn't Have Any Friends. The Problem Is That He Can't Get Congress To Approve One.

President Obama

Labour Day Is A Great American Holiday That People Celebrate By Going Out And Buying Products Made In China

Way Too Much Coffee. But If It Weren't For The Coffee, I'd Have No Identifiable Personality Whatsoever.

Midnight, And The Kitties Are Sleeping.

Meryl Streep Is On The Program Tonight. I Like To Throw Her A Little Work Whenever I Can.

Scientists Have Discovered A Black Hole That Is 12 Billion Times The Size Of Our Sun. It's Full Of Hillary Clinton Emails.

Hillary Clinton Is Now In Iowa. She's Spending Every Waking Minute Of Her Day Meeting Ordinary People, And It's To Prepare Her For A Job In Which She Will Never Again Meet An Ordinary Person.

Sarah Palin Had A Big Op-ed Piece In The Wall Street Journal, And She Said She's Against Death Panels. And I Thought, 'really? She's The One Who Pulled The Plug On The Mccain Campaign.'

Number One Way Life Would Be Different If Dogs Ran The World: All Motorists Must Drive With Head Out Window.

I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

There Was An Interesting Development In The Cbs-westmoreland Trial: Both Sides Agreed That After The Trial, Andy Rooney Would Be Allowed To Talk To The Jury For Three Minutes About Little Things That Annoyed Him During The Trial.

Love: You Can't Start It Like A Car, You Can't Stop It With A Gun.

Back When We Started This Show, The Hottest Program On Television Was 'keeping Up With The Gabors.'

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

Public Service Announcement: In Case Of A Terrorist Attack, Bottled Water And Duct Tape Are Not Going To Do A Damn Thing. So Do What Homeland Security Dir. Tom Ridge Does: Get Really Drunk, And Pick Up A Hooker.

Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy And I Had To Give The Kids Nicotine Gum.

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

Remember Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin? He Vanished For 10 Days. He Had Disappeared And There Were A Lot Of Rumors. One Rumor Was He Had Disappeared Because He Had Himself Executed.

The Entire Island Of Martha's Vineyard Has Gone Obama Crazy. There's Even A Cocktail That They've Named After Barack Obama. It's Called The Obamarita. Not To Be Confused With A Cocktail Inspired By John Mccain, The Cosmopoligrip. And Then There Was One A Couple Of Years Ago Inspired By George W. Bush, The Mojidiot. Of Course, There Was The Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

One Of The Remarkable Things About Being 19 Is That You Can Break Open A Case Of Warm Beer At Midnight And Still Be Wide-eyed And Alert For Your Eight-a.m. Class. And That Gave Me The False Impression That My Life Would Always Be Like That.

Unusual Weather For New York City. Today It Was 68 And Foggy. No, Wait A Minute, That's Me. I'm Sorry, That's Me.

President Obama Is Sending Troops Back To Iraq. He Said, 'don't Worry, We Should Not Be There Any Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.'

I Mean You Think About The Guy, The Nigerian Guy, Who Was Going To Blow Up The Plane. He Was Wearing A Pair Of Fruit Of The Lunatic. ... Guy Was Not Too Bright. He Said That The Reason He Became A Suicide Bomber Was To Work His Way Up In The Al Qaeda Organization.

Do You Remember The Good Ol' Days When Congress Was Only Unsafe If You Were An Intern.

President Bush Wants To Build A Space Station On The Moon. And From The Moon, He Wants To Launch People To Mars. You Know What This Means. He's Been Drinking Again.

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

President Obama Went To India, South Korea, Then Japan. He's Going To Keep Travelling Until He Finds His Birth Certificate.

Mitt Romney Is Quite A Guy. At One Point He And His Wife Bought A Zoo And Fired All The Animals.

Moammar Gadhafi Was Found Hiding In A Storm Sewer With A Gold-plated Gun. That's Me In Retirement, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Don't Forget It's Daylight Savings Time. You Spring Forward, Then You Fall Back. It's Like Robert Downey Jr. Getting Out Of Bed.

The Big Debate Right Now Is If Saddam Is Alive Or Dead. He's Dead, Then He's Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive. It's Just Confusing. Today They Showed Videotape, And Saddam Was Speaking At His Own Funeral.

It Is Cold Down In Washington, Dc. They Had To Use An Ice Scraper On John Boehner's Face To Get The Tears Off, It Was So Cold.

Reasons Why Members Of Congress Deserve A Pay Raise: Many Big Corporations Are Cutting Back On Bribes; Nearly Half The Members Have Never Been Indicted.

We're Learning More About Osama Bin Laden. His Father Was Married 16 Times, And He Has Five Wives. I Think We're Getting To The Root Of His Intense Anger. And They Say Bin Laden Never Spends The Night In The Same Place Twice. No, Wait A Minute, That's Clinton.

It's Interesting What Former Presidents Do When They Leave Office. Bush Is Now Working As A Motivational Speaker. And If You Want To Be Motivated, Who Better To Turn To Than The Guy Who Invaded The Wrong Country And Started A Depression.

He Has Been Greatly Missed Since His Retirement ... Thank God For Videotapes And Dvds. In This Regard, He Will Always Be Around.

We Are Starting To Learn More About Osama Bin Laden. For His Birthday One Year, Somebody Gave Him A $4 Timex. We Know That. He Is Married To The Daughter Of A Guy Named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I Think Her Name Is Tiffany Omar. Insiders Say That The Marriage Is Not Working Out. Apparently They Are Living In Separate Caves.

It Was Announced That President Obama And His Wife, When They're Finished In Washington, Are Moving To New York City. The Guy Just Can't Get Enough Gridlock.

Hillary Is In Iowa To Listen To What The People Are Saying - Because If You Want Her To Speak, That Will Cost You $200,000. So She's There Listening.

How About This John Kerry Controversy? So He's Out There In California, Tells Some Kind Of Joke And It Backfires. He's Saying He Botched The Joke. ... This Guy Can Lose Elections He's Not Even In.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.

You Folks Been Following The Big British Petroleum Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? I'm Telling You, British Petroleum Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

Republicans Are Having Trouble Luring Gov. Chris Christie Into The Presidential Race. They Should Try Pie.

President Obama's Trying To Work Out A Nuclear Deal With Iran, And The Republicans Are Steamed. They Got Together And Sent Iran A Letter About The Nuclear Deal. They Said If This Doesn't Work, By God, They're Going To Send Seth Rogen And James Franco.

I Have Nothing Against The North Koreans But This Kim Jong Un Has Got A Screw Loose. A Member Of His Cabinet, His Security Minister, Nods Off, Falls Sleep. We've All Done It. Kim Jong Un Takes The Guy Out And Has Him Executed, Just For Just Falling Asleep. Oh, And He Was Also Deflating Footballs.

I Was Talking To A Friend About Santorum. He Said, 'for All My Years In The State Department, I Know One Thing. Terrorists, What They Fear Most Is A Guy In A Sweater Vest.'

Herman Cain Has Suspended His Presidential Campaign, But He Has Asked The Secret Service If They Could Continue To Provide Him Protection, At Least Until His Wife Cools Off.

President Obama Says He Wants To Put An End To The Policy, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, In The Military. This Is Not To Be Confused With George Bush's Policy, 'don't Know, Don't Care.' That's A Whole Different Deal.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

New York Is Great Though. If You?re Here And Want A One Of A Kind Souvenir Be Sure To Take Home The Police Sketch Of Your Assailant.

The New 'mad Max' Movie Takes Place In A Post-apocalyptic World. I Have A Small Part In 'mad Max.' I Play The Old Geezer Who Remembers What Steak Tasted Like.

It's The First Day Of Spring. That Means This Weekend I'll Take Down My Christmas Lights.

Sarah Palin's Book Is Big, 400 Pages. She Wrote The Book Herself And Agonized Over Every Word, And So Will You.

There's A Rumor That President George Bush Had A Nose Job, That He Had Some Kind Of Plastic Surgery, That He Actually Had A Nose Job. If This Is True, That's The First New Job He's Created Since Taking Office.

Tip To Out-of-town Visitors. If You Buy Something Here In New York And You Want To Have It Shipped Home, Be Suspicious If The Clerk Tells You They Don't Need Your Name And Address.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

Here's What We Know About Santa. He Sees You When You're Sleeping. He Knows When You're Awake. He Knows If You've Been Bad Or Good. I Think He's With The Nsa.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

A Pair Of Ruby Red Slippers Worn By Judy Garland In The Wizard Of Oz Have Been Stolen. The Thief Is Described As Being Armed And Fabulous.

Iraq's Elite Republican Guard Is Doing So Badly They're Changing Their Name To The Democratic Guard.

When You Go To The Mind Reader, Do You Get Half Price?

Privately I Think That I'm Not Really Somebody Who Has A Network Television Show. Celebrities Are Other People - Johnny Carson And Sylvester Stallone. I'm Just A Kid Trying To Make A Living Is The Way I Feel.

Wherever We've Travelled In This Great Land Of Ours, We've Found That People Everywhere Are About 90% Water.

Incredible Experience, Watching A Baby Birth On The Internet. It's Now My Screensaver.

The Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade Has New Balloons This Year Including The Pillsbury Doughboy Balloon And The First Openly Gay Balloon. Also The Thomas Tank Engine Balloon, And They Even Have The Ebola Nurse Balloon.

I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

Finally We Got Some Good News About The Economy. Barack Obama Got $800 Billion To Rescue The Economy. All I Can Say Is, 'thank You, Oprah.'

Sometimes Something Worth Doing Is Worth Overdoing.

Valentine's Day Money-saving Tip: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th.

Here In New York City You Can Now Walk Around Smoking Weed And All They Will Do If They See You Is Write You A Ticket. Unfortunately, The Ticket Will Be To A Jets Game.

Osama Bin Laden Was Living In That Compound With Three Wives. It's Like He Was Newt Gingrich.

Osama Bin Laden

Arnold Schwarzenegger Got Into A Huge Debate With Arianna Huffington About Immigration - Going Back And Forth - Finally Immigration Came In And Hauled Them Both Away.

Some Good News. Finally, President Bush Is Going To Do Something About Global Warming. He Became Alarmed When Another Chunk Of Ice Fell Off His Mother.

They Figured Out A Way To Control That Hamburger Disease. You Dip The Hamburger Into The Scalding Hot Coffee Before Eating.

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

Jeb Bush Has To Distance Himself From What They Call The Bush Brand. So He Keeps Saying, 'i Am My Own Man.' But When Governor Chris Christie Is Out On The Campaign Trail, He's Always Saying, 'i'm My Own Man, Plus Another Guy.'

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

Mary Keitany From Kenya Won The Women's Race At The New York City Marathon. You Can Tell She Was Fast Because Guys On The Street Didn't Even Have Time To Finish Their Catcalls.

Mitt Romney Is Doing What He Can. He's Trying Very Hard. He Wants To Unite America, The Rich With The Wealthy, The Poor With The Indigent, And The White With The Caucasian.

Over The Weekend, Of Course, Down There In Washington, D.c., They Had The Big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do You Know Who Was Really Funny? President Obama. So Funny, In Fact, He Has Already Been Promised 'the Tonight Show' In Five Years.

When You Think About Flying, It's Nuts Really. Here You Are At About 40,000 Feet, Screaming Along At 700 Miles An Hour And You're Sitting There Drinking Diet Pepsi And Eating Peanuts. It Just Doesn't Make Any Sense.

The 2016 Presidential Campaign Is Heating Up. Can You Feel The Indifference, The Apathy?

There Are A Lot Of New York City Thanksgiving Traditions. For Example, A Lot Of New Yorkers Don't Buy The Frozen Thanksgiving Turkey. They Prefer To Buy The Bird Live And Then Push It In Front Of A Subway Train.

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

President Bush Has Been Silent On Schwarzenegger. Of Course, He Can't Pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Mitt Romney Had A Horse Competing In The Olympics. He Didn't Win. But Next Year, He'll Be Competing In 'dancing With The Stars.'

I Got A Call From My Mom Today, She Says, 'well, David, I See You Didn't Get The 'tonight Show' Again.'

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

Herman Cain Said, Starting Today, If You Buy Into His 9-9-9 Plan, He'll Throw In A Free 32-ounce Soda.

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

Now There Are Reports That Osama Bin Laden Would Like To Commit Suicide On Television. This Is The Kind Of Lead-in I Have Been Praying For Every Since I Came To Cbs. Bin Laden Is Planning A Televised Suicide Or, As I Call It, Hosting The Academy Awards.

John Walker, While He Was In Afghanistan, Told People His Goal Was To Have Four Wives. ... Do We Need Any Further Proof That This Guy Is Out Of His Mind? Four Wives? That's How Al Qaeda Gets You To Become A Suicide Bomber.

We Inadvertently Bombed The Chinese Embassy. But Clinton Now Is Working Very Hard. He Has Sent A Letter Of Apology To The Chinese. And, He's Also Given Them A Gift Certificate For Future Nuclear Secrets.

Working Very Hard

Over The Weekend, John Kerry - The Big John Kerry Juggernaut Moves On - He Won Primaries In Washington D.c., Nevada And, I Think, Canada. And He's So Confident That He's Started Nailing That Intern Again.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

George Clooney Is On The Program Tonight. Next Week At This Time I Will Be In A Hardware Store Watching Them Mix Paint.

The Democrats Were Crushed In The Midterm Elections. The Republican Juggernaut Pounded The Democrats, And The Pundits Say They Will Not Really Know What Happened To The Democrats Until They Find The Black Box.

Weak Coffee Is The Greatest Sin Against Humanity.

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

Apparently, There's Something Hinky About The New Iphones. They're Not Hooked Up Right. ... There's A Problem With The Antenna. They Don't Like To Be Held - Like My Ex-wife.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.

Hillary Has Now Erased All Of Her Emails, And She Also Had All Of Her Pantsuits Dry Cleaned.

An Anthropologist At Tulane Has Just Come Back From A Field Trip To New Guinea With Reports Of A Tribe So Primitive That They Have Tide But Not New Tide With Lemon-fresh Borax.

Over In Afghanistan, Osama Stuck His Head Out Of The Cave And Saw A Shadow. So, That Means Six More Weeks Of Bombing.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

Osama Bin Laden Has Ten Look-alikes To Fool Us Americans. Ten Look-alikes, And He's Married To Five Of Them.

Bronco Rick Perry Is The First Candidate I've Ever Heard Say He's Not Doing Well Because He's Sleepy. You Know, We Criticized George W. Bush A Lot, But There Was One Thing He Was Very Disciplined About, And That Was Getting His Full Eight Years Of Sleep.

Honey, What Happened To "ladies First"? Husband Replies, "that's The Reason Why The Worlds A Mess Today, Because A Lady Went First!"

There's Not A Man, Woman Or Child On The Face Of The Earth Who Doesn't Enjoy A Tasty Beverage.

Based On What You Know About Him In History Books, What Do You Think Abraham Lincoln Would Be Doing If He Were Alive Today? 1) Writing His Memoirs Of The Civil War. 2) Advising The President. 3) Desperately Clawing At The Inside Of His Coffin.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

Them Bats Is Smart. They Use Radar!

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

I Just Heard George W. Bush's New Plan For Airline Security. From Here On Out, Every Plane Will Now Have Its Own Hockey Dad.

Everyone Has A Purpose In Life. Perhaps Yours Is Watching Television.

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.

The Weather Here Is Gorgeous. It's Mild And Feels Like It's In The Eighties. The Hot Dog Vendors Got Confused Because Of The Weather And Thought It Was Spring, So They Accidentally Changed The Hot Dog Water In Their Carts.

Trending Author

Albert Schweitzer

Category