Background Image

...

Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Thanksgiving Is The Day

David Letterman

...

Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

Views: 7

Topic

More From David Letterman

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

I'll Be 50 Years Old Tomorrow And That Means, Among Other Things, That Now Bob Dole Can Start Telling Jokes About Me.

People Say We Need Royalty. We Have Royalty In The United States - The Kardashians.

Snooki Is Now A Published Author. I'm Blaming Sarah Palin. She Lowered The Bar.

Jeb Bush Has To Distance Himself From What They Call The Bush Brand. So He Keeps Saying, 'i Am My Own Man.' But When Governor Chris Christie Is Out On The Campaign Trail, He's Always Saying, 'i'm My Own Man, Plus Another Guy.'

The National Association Of Theater Concessionaires Reported That In 1986, 60% Of All Candy Sold In Movie Theaters Was Sold To Roger Ebert.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

The 2016 Presidential Campaign Is Heating Up. Can You Feel The Indifference, The Apathy?

I Got My Lips Chewed Off By A Dingo!

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

John Kerry Went Duck Hunting And He's Doing That To Fulfill His Campaign Pledge To Hunt Down The Ducks And Kill Them Wherever They Are! Kerry Did Pretty Well; He Came Back With Four Ducks And Three Purple Hearts.

The Catholic Church Has A Tough New Policy On Child Molestors: Three Strikes And You're A Cardinal.

The Mars Polar Lander Has Been Quieter Than George W. Bush After A Foreign Policy Question.

Because You Think An Explosion Has Taken Place And You're Looking At The Shards And You Say, 'well, Can We Put This Back Together?' And By God, Maybe You Can Put It Back Together. And Maybe It Won't Be The Same, But Maybe It Will Be Different, And Maybe It Can Even Be Better In A Different Way.

Donald Trump Announced That He Is Not Running For President. He Would Rather Spend His Time Making Gary Busey Sell Snapple On The Street.

As You Watch The Gary Condit Interview, Three Words Come To Mind: Stiff, Unbending And Impenetrable. And That's Just His Hair.

Weak Coffee Is The Greatest Sin Against Humanity.

Donald Trump Is On The Show Tonight. Donald Is A Big Man, I Think 230 Pounds -- 235 With Cologne.

I Like My Cinema Gritty, I Like My Eggs Gritty.

I Always Liked Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Salesman Who Follows You Around At Brooks Brothers.

Every Year When It's Chinese New Year Here In New York, There Are Fireworks Going Off At All Hours. New York Mothers Calm Their Frightened Children By Telling Them It's Just Gunfire.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

Happy Birthday To Fay Wray, A Wonderful Actress. She Was, Of Course, In The Movie 'king Kong' And Would Have Been 99-years-old Today. She Was Famous Because Of Her Love Interest With A Giant Ape, And, Wait A Minute, That's Maria Shriver.

People Say New Yorkers Can't Get Along. Not True. I Saw Two New Yorkers, Complete Strangers, Sharing A Cab. One Guy Took The Tires And The Radio; The Other Guy Took The Engine.

Bill Clinton May In Fact Be Moving Back Into The White House. And Coincidentally I'm Thinking About Moving Back Into My Mother's House.

The General Election's Taking Place Today In Iraq, So I Guess That Means We're One Step Closer To Being There For Another 10 Years.

The Night Before The Olympics Opening Ceremony, My Son, Who Is Eight Years Old, Gets Very Excited And Likes To Put Out A Plate Of Cookies And Some Milk For Bob Costas.

You'll Never Catch A Nudist With His Pants Down.

Do Good Things For Other People.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

The New Cia Torture Report Is 6 Million Pages Long. It's Almost As Long As A George Clooney Pre-nup.

Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

This Warning From The New York City Department Of Health Fraud: Be Suspicious Of Any Doctor Who Tries To Take Your Temperature With His Finger.

One Day You're The Leader Of Iraq, The Next Day You're Being Checked For Fleas On Fox News.

Now In Utah If You Get The Death Sentence, They Have The Firing Squad. In Russia, They Call That Early Retirement.

Newt Gingrich Has Criticized 'new York Elites' Who Ride The Subway. One Of Those Subway Elites Threw Up On My Pants This Morning.

He Has Been Greatly Missed Since His Retirement ... Thank God For Videotapes And Dvds. In This Regard, He Will Always Be Around.

Every Day Is President's Day When You Have An Intern!

You Like Science? You Enjoy Science? Always Use It For Good, Never For Evil. Can You Promise Me That?

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

It Was A Tough Press Conference For President Bush. He Spent The First Ten Minutes Trying To Pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush Insisted That Iraq Is Not Vietnam. Of Course Not, He Avoided Vietnam.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

Cia Director George Tenet Has Now Testified Before The 9/11 Commission And He Said We Are Still Making The Same Dumb Mistakes, Like Leaving Memos On The President's Desk.

Former President Bush, To Celebrate His 80th Birthday, Jumped Out Of An Airplane. And If You've Seen The Polls, You Know He's Not The Only Bush In Freefall.

It's The First Day Of Spring. That Means This Weekend I'll Take Down My Christmas Lights.

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

Mitt Romney Has Asked Todd Akin To Step Down. That's Too Bad. Todd Akin Was The Guy To Lead The Republican Party Into The 16th Century.

Experts Say That Iraq May Have Nuclear Weapons. That's Bad News - They May Have A Nuclear Bomb. Now The Good News Is That They Have To Drop It With A Camel.

Rick Perry, Started Out Like A Ball Of Fire From Texas And Then He Started To Drop And Now He's Retooling. He's Adding Advisers To His Campaign Team. This Guy Had Advisers? Really?

Bush Explained His Strategy For Transfer Of Power. It's A Two Part Plan. Part One: Clean Out His Desk. Part Two: Rent A U-haul.

I Vote Democrat Because Freedom Of Speech Is Fine As Long As Nobody Is Offended By It.

Freedom Of Speech

The White House Is Saying Donald Trump Has 'zero Percent Chance' Of Being Elected. Isn't That A Little High?

Final Installment Of Things More Fun Than Reading The Sarah Palin Memoir: Driving Into A Tree, Microwaving Your Head, And Getting Stabbed In The Eye With A Carrot.

Ted Kennedy Is Endorsing John Kerry And I'm Wondering, Do You Really Want The Endorsement Of A Guy With A Bloody Mary Mustache?

How Many People Saw Arnold's Speech Last Night? I Haven't Seen That Many Kennedys In One Place Since Their Last Trial.

A Small Handgun Makes Any Tv Remote Control.

Today Is Earth Day. The Way I See It, As Humans The Very Least We Can Do Is Recycle. A Lot Of Recycling Is Going On This Year. For Example, Bushes And Clintons.

Security Here In New York City Is Still Very Tight. Hookers In Times Square Now Are Demanding Two Forms Of Fake Id.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Now Governor Of California. He Is A Very Shrewd Man - He Already Has All Of His Sex Scandals Behind Him.

Let's See What's Going On Over In Iraq. A Burger King Has Opened Up And Prostitutes Are Back On The Street Of Baghdad After 20 Years. Fast Food And Hookers - They Are Truly Living The American Dream.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

Mitt Romney Looks Like An American President In A Canadian Movie.

American President

The Japanese Prime Minister Has Apologized For Japan's Part In World War Ii. However, He Still Hasn't Mentioned Anything About Karaoke.

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

Let Me Just Say This: You Know Your Campaign Is Not Going Well When You Open A Press Conference By Saying, 'i Told You There Would Be More Lewd Photos'.

There Is So Much Oil Now In The Gulf Of Mexico, And You Can Thank The Folks Of British Petroleum For This, So Much Oil In The Gulf, You Can Now Park On It.

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

I'm Just Trying To Make A Smudge On The Collective Unconscious.

Collective Unconscious

The President Met With Bp Ceo Tony Hayward, And Obama Was Demanding That Bp Clean Up The Gulf. And I'm Thinking, Good Luck. They Can't Even Clean Up Their Gas Station Restrooms.

Donald Trump Had A University. Well, The State Attorney General Decided That The Donald Trump University Was An Unlicensed Sham. And I Thought, You Know You're At A Bad University When Your Commencement Speaker Is Whitey Bulger.

Vladimir Putin Said The Tanks That You See Rolling Through The Streets Are Just Part Of The Closing Ceremonies Of The Olympics.

If You Didn’t Believe It Before — And It’s Easy To Understand How You Might Have Been Sceptical On This Point — If You Didn’t Believe It Before, You Can Absolutely Believe It Now: New York City Is The Greatest City In The World.

Cities In The World

Good Luck Finding A Place To Park In New York City. And When You Do, Good Luck Figuring Out The Parking Signs, Restrictions, And Prohibitions. It Is So Complicated. It Has Gotten So Bad, I Never Park My Car Without A Lawyer.

The Fcc Has Delayed The Decision On The Time/warner Comcast Merger. So How Do You Think Those Folks Like Being Put On Hold?

Newt Gingrich Wants To Repeal Child Labor Laws. Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is The Man That We Need To Lead Us Into The 18th Century.

Hillary Has Now Erased All Of Her Emails, And She Also Had All Of Her Pantsuits Dry Cleaned.

Rick Perry Has Now Accused Mitt Romney Of Hiring Illegal Aliens To Work On His Hair.

Barack Obama Is Putting His Team Together To Take Over The Administration. So Far, He's Got His Mother-in-law, Who Is Going To Be Living With Him, And They Are Talking About Hillary For Secretary Of State. You Have Your Mother-in-law And Hillary Clinton. Sounds Like Smooth Sailing To Me.

Our Guest Tonight Is Michelle Obama, First Lady Of The United States. She's Here To Announce Her Run For President.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

You're Not Really Drinking Coffee Unless You Drink It Black, Don't You Think? Oh, No? You Like To Monkey With It?

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

Once You're President, You Can't Go Anywhere Without Causing Trouble. President Obama Shows Up In China, He's Chewing Gum, They Go Crazy. A Big Stink Because The President's Chewing Gum. And You Think, The Chinese Are So Easygoing About Human Rights. What's The Problem?

New Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman Is Fluent In Chinese. In A Short Period Of Time The Republicans Have Come Quite A Long Way. The Last Republican President Wasn't Even Fluent In English.

A Pair Of Ruby Red Slippers Worn By Judy Garland In The Wizard Of Oz Have Been Stolen. The Thief Is Described As Being Armed And Fabulous.

How About This John Kerry Controversy? So He's Out There In California, Tells Some Kind Of Joke And It Backfires. He's Saying He Botched The Joke. ... This Guy Can Lose Elections He's Not Even In.

President Bush Announced That The War In Iraq Has Been Won. It's All Over, It's Been Won. I Believe This Would Be Bush's First Uncontested Victory.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Candidate, Is Going To Fight Evander Holyfield For Charity. I Hope They Save Some Of That Money For Funeral Expenses.

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

I Heard This Today And I Thought This Was Fascinating And Interesting. President Bush Has Two Daughters, Two Beautiful Daughters, And They May Work On Their Father's Presidential Campaign After They Get Out Of College And I Thought, Well, That's A Pretty Good Move Because In This Economy, They Won't Be Able To Find Real Jobs.

Tomorrow Is Election Day. It's What They Call The Midterm Elections, And You Can Cut The Indifference With A Knife. It's The Day Americans Leave Work Early And Pretend To Vote.

President Bush Announced He Has A Five-point Strategy For Getting Out Of Iraq. Points Six Through 10 Will Be Handled By The Kerry Administration.

I Just Heard George W. Bush's New Plan For Airline Security. From Here On Out, Every Plane Will Now Have Its Own Hockey Dad.

At The White House, They Caught Another Fence Jumper Earlier Today. It Was Obama Trying To Get Out.

John Kerry Says That Foreign Leaders Want Him To Be President, But That He Can't Name The Foreign Leaders. That's All Right, President Bush Can't Name Them Either.

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

Say What You Will About Leona Helmsley, When It Comes To Standing Trial, She's Twice The Man Jim Bakker Is.

The Morning After I Had My Heart Bypass, The Doctor Called And Said, Soon You'll Be Able To Have Sex. I Said, I've Heard That For Years.

Tim Tebow Has Been On The Bench Longer Than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

In Hollywood, Oscar Is King.

Based On What You Know About Him In History Books, What Do You Think Abraham Lincoln Would Be Doing If He Were Alive Today? 1) Writing His Memoirs Of The Civil War. 2) Advising The President. 3) Desperately Clawing At The Inside Of His Coffin.

Mitt Romney And His Family Have A Big Two-day Weekend Plan. They're Going To Hike To The Top Of His Money.

Illinois Is The Only State Where The Present Governor Rides Around In A Car Whose License Plate Was Made By A Previous Governor.

You Know You've Had Too Much To Eat For Christmas Dinner When You Slump Down Onto A Beanbag And Realize... There Is No Beanbag.

Tomorrow Is Our Final Show. That Is Unless It Rains, And Then There Will Be A Rain Delay. We'll Probably Make It Up In A Doubleheader Around Labor Day.

Love: You Can't Start It Like A Car, You Can't Stop It With A Gun.

Donald Trump Has A Great Campaign Slogan: 'a Complex World Demands Complex Hair.'

Donald Trump Is Attacking President Obama's Background. And I Said, 'wait A Minute, Trump Also Is From A Mixed Background. He's Half Jack And Half Ass.'

The Post Office Is Raising The Price Of Stamps Again. I Heard That And Said To Myself, 'if Only There Was An Inexpensive Electronic Way Of Communicating.'

Jeb Bush May Run For President. Bush Presidencies Are Like 'caddyshack' Movies. They Should Have Stopped With One.

How About That Oil Slick In The Gulf Of Mexico. And You Know, The Oil Slick Is Going Everywhere. So The Next Time Somebody Lands On The Hudson, It Won't Be That Big A Deal.

Sunday Is The Academy Awards. Every Time An Actor Says, 'i Didn't Expect This,' Ruth Bader Ginsburg Will Do A Shot.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

Don't Worry About Me. I Plan To Continue To Be In Show Business. I Have Already Been Booked To Be In A Production Of 'the Sunshine Boys' With Jay Leno.

So They Caught Gadhafi In A Storm Sewer And Shot Him. Or As They Call It In The Middle East, An Orderly Transfer Of Power.

A New Survey Indicates That Obama Supporters Love Iphones. So If You Have An Iphone, Chances Are You Are Going To Be Supporting President Obama. In A Related Story, If You Support Governor Chris Christie From New Jersey, Chances Are You Love Ihop.

Obama Supporters

Usa Today Has Come Out With A New Survey - Apparently, Three Out Of Every Four People Make Up 75% Of The Population.

It Was Stupid Behaviour. And You Take A Look At The Explosion, And It Knocks You Down And You Wake Up Every Morning And You're Scared And You're Depressed And Sad, And You Kind Of Got To Let That Knock You Down And Knock You Down.

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

You Know Who's Upset Now With Isis? Al Qaeda. It's Because Isis Is Getting More Attention Than Al Qaeda. So Now, Saturday Night Will Be Ayman Al-zawahiri Bobblehead Night.

Somebody Threw A Book At President Obama. If You're Trying To Scare A President By Throwing A Book At Him, You're One President Too Late.

America Is The Only Country Where A Significant Proportion Of The Population Believes That Professional Wrestling Is Real But The Moon Landing Was Faked.

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

There's Not A Man, Woman Or Child On The Face Of The Earth Who Doesn't Enjoy A Tasty Beverage.

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

George Clooney Is On The Program Tonight. Next Week At This Time I Will Be In A Hardware Store Watching Them Mix Paint.

But Down In Florida In The Early Voting, There Were Computer Glitches, Confusing Ballots, Long Lines And Chaos. And When President Bush Heard About This, He Said, 'mission Accomplished!'

But I Was Thinking About This, The Obamas Want To Adopt A Stray Dog From The Pound. And I Think That Is Admirable. I Believe The Last President To Bring A Stray Dog Into The White House Got Impeached.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Liberal Judges Need To Rewrite The Constitution Every Few Days To Suit Fringe Kooks Who Would Never Get Their Agendas Past The Voters.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

President Bush Insisted That There Was Nothing In The August 6th, 2001 Briefing, Which Was Titled 'bin Laden Determined To Attack The United States', That Hinted What Bin Laden Was Up To. Bush Says That He Would Have Moved Mountains To Stop The Attack. Yeah, But He Draws The Line At Reading A Memo.

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Unusual Weather For New York City. Today It Was 68 And Foggy. No, Wait A Minute, That's Me. I'm Sorry, That's Me.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

Bill Clinton Has A Brand New Book Coming Out In A Few Months And The Democrats Are Worried That The Clinton Book Might Upstage The Kerry Campaign. I'm Thinking, Hell, Day-old Meat Loaf Could Upstage That Campaign.

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

Valentine's Day Money-saving Tips: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th. In Place Of Bubble Bath, Use Lavender-scented Dish-washing Liquid. Forget Rose Petals. Sprinkle The Bed With Sliced Beets!

The Mayor Of Sochi Is Now Saying That There Are No Gay People In Sochi. So The Only Thing That Is Flaming Over There Now Is The Olympic Torch.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. In Honor Of Cinco De Mayo, Mayor Bill De Blasio Is Filling All New York City Potholes With Guacamole.

New York Now Leads The World's Great Cities In The Number Of People Around Whom You Shouldn't Make A Sudden Move.

In Pop Culture News, Lady Gaga Got Married. And Yes, She Was Wearing White Meat.

Last Night The United States Dropped Four 2,000 Pound Bombs On Saddam Hussein. I Don't Know Anything About Explosives, But, My God, Do Those Things Even Need To Explode?

I Can Hardly Wait Until Donald Trump Announces His Celebrity Cabinet.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Way Too Irresponsible To Own A Gun, And I Know That My Local Police Are All I Need To Protect Me From Murderers And Thieves. I Am Also Thankful That We Have A 911 Service That Gets Police To Your Home In Order To Identify Your Body After A Home Invasion.

The Last Time The French Asked For 'more Proof' It Came Marching Into Paris Under A German Flag

Here's What The Kids Get. They Get Free Mcdonald's And Kentucky Fried Chicken For A Year, And 52 Six-packs Of Pepsi. And I'm Thinking, Well, Actually, It Might Be Healthier If They Were Taking Steroids.

Over The Weekend, John Kerry - The Big John Kerry Juggernaut Moves On - He Won Primaries In Washington D.c., Nevada And, I Think, Canada. And He's So Confident That He's Started Nailing That Intern Again.

Mitt Romney Said That He Liked To Fire People. Well, There's A Pretty Good Message To Send To Middle America. When Rick Perry Heard That, He Said, 'well That's Nothing. I Like To Execute People.'

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid Says He Will Not Seek Re-election. Harry Said He Wants To Spend More Time With His Family. As I Always Say, Check With Your Family.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz Announced He Is Running For President. Ted Cruz Was Born In Canada, His Father Fled To The United States From Cuba, And Yet Ted Cruz Is Against Immigration. Isn't That Odd?

Today Is Tax Day. A Lot Of People Are Hoping They Get Refunds. And That's Just The Folks Here In The Audience.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?

Hillary Went To A Chipotle In A Tortilla Pantsuit.

As You Know Now, Rush Limbaugh Is The New Face Of The Republican Party, But They'll Probably Go With A Different Body.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

Congratulations Are In Order For Woody Allen - He And Soon Yi Have A Brand New Baby Daughter. It's All Part Of Woody's Plan To Grow His Own Wives.

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

I Think You Can Use Some Of Those Words On Tv. But One Thing You Can't Do Is Throw Coffee, I've Said It Over And Over Again!

Former President Bill Clinton Is On The Program Tonight. He Says That While His Wife Runs For President, He Would Like To Stay Out Of The Limelight. Well, He's Certainly Come To The Right Place. He'll Be Fine Here.

Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

Happy Birthday To Evil North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. He Gathered Family And Friends Together And Celebrated By Executing A Few Close Friends.

Family And Friends

I'm Very Resourceful. I'd Be Good In Prison. I'd Be Good In A Shipwreck. I'd Make A Great Hostage.

Rick Perry Is Now Saying He Thinks That Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is Fake. I Think Perry May Have Faked His Driver's License.

Now There Are Reports That Osama Bin Laden Would Like To Commit Suicide On Television. This Is The Kind Of Lead-in I Have Been Praying For Every Since I Came To Cbs. Bin Laden Is Planning A Televised Suicide Or, As I Call It, Hosting The Academy Awards.

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

Insiders Say That Trump Is Running For President As A Publicity Stunt. That's Not The Donald Trump I Know.

Tip To Out-of-town Visitors. If You Buy Something Here In New York And You Want To Have It Shipped Home, Be Suspicious If The Clerk Tells You They Don't Need Your Name And Address.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

One Of The Dogs In The Competition, A Portuguese Water Dog, Is Related To President Obama's Dog, Bo. But They Only See Each Other At Funerals And Weddings.

Due To Budget Crunches, Bush Has Had To Scale Some Of The Programs. He Has A New Program, 'leave A Couple Of Kids Behind.'

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

For The Love Of God, Folks, Don't Try This At Home.

Here's The Plot Of 'interstellar.' Refugees - They're Known As Democrats - They're Looking For A New Planet.

Traffic Signals In New York Are Just Rough Guidelines.

You Folks Been Following The Big British Petroleum Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? I'm Telling You, British Petroleum Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

Don't Kid Yourself. Global Warming Is No Joke. Here's How Serious Global Warming Has Gotten To Be In The United States. In This Country Global Warming Is So Bad, We Are Now Actually Starting To Warm Up To Barry Bonds.

Barack Obama Said He May Negotiate With The Taliban. A Lot Of People Are Saying Okay, But Be Careful. But I Said This Guy Has Experience Negotiating With The Enemy. For Gosh Sake, He Lives With His Mother-in-law, You Know.

New York... When Civilization Falls Apart, Remember, We Were Way Ahead Of You.

Humans Are The Only Animal Who Can Have Sex Over The Phone.

Tim Tebow May Be Back In The Nfl With The Philadelphia Eagles. As You Remember, He Was Thrown Out Of The League When He Landed His Gyrocopter On The White House Lawn.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

Hillary Clinton Is Running For President. This Time Around, She Promises To Be Warm And Approachable. Like Me.

The World's Oldest Woman Passed Away At 116. They Keep Dying. I Think That Title May Be Cursed.

President Bush Wants To Build A Space Station On The Moon. And From The Moon, He Wants To Launch People To Mars. You Know What This Means. He's Been Drinking Again.

President Bush Says He Now Wants To Simplify The Tax Code. Only Those In The Blue States Will Pay.

Mitt Romney Looks Like A Guy Modeling Briefs On A Package Of Underwear ... He Looks Like A Guy Who Goes To The Restroom When The Check Comes ... He Looks Like A Guy Who Would Run A Seminar On Condo Flipping ... He Looks Like He Is The Closer At A Cadillac Dealership.... He Looks Like That Guy On The Golf Course In The Levitra Commercial.

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

The Russian Economy Is Tanking. It's Gotten So Bad That Today Vladimir Putin Had To Pawn His Stolen Super Bowl Ring. And Putin Will Finance His Next Invasion On Kickstarter.

Russian Economy

They Found A Cave Once Lived In By Osama Bin Laden And The Only Thing In The Cave Were Some Boxer Undershorts, And Macaroni. I'm Telling You, You Add An Old Stack Of Playboys, This Could Be My Place. It's Like I Have A Twin.

We Are Starting To Learn More About Osama Bin Laden. For His Birthday One Year, Somebody Gave Him A $4 Timex. We Know That. He Is Married To The Daughter Of A Guy Named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I Think Her Name Is Tiffany Omar. Insiders Say That The Marriage Is Not Working Out. Apparently They Are Living In Separate Caves.

Bill Murray Is On The Show Tonight. Next Week I'll Be Goggling 'foods That Improve Prostate Health.'

You've Got To Be Careful Smoking Weed. It Causes Memory Loss. And Also, It Causes Memory Loss.

About Half An Hour Before Air Time - That's When I Become Hyper. I Put Everything Else Out Of My Mind And Just Let That Nervous Energy Surge Through My Body. I Start Talking Faster And Louder. My Confidence Comes Up. It's Actually A Great Feeling.

Bronco Rick Perry Is The First Candidate I've Ever Heard Say He's Not Doing Well Because He's Sleepy. You Know, We Criticized George W. Bush A Lot, But There Was One Thing He Was Very Disciplined About, And That Was Getting His Full Eight Years Of Sleep.

Trending Author

Maurice Merleau-Ponty

Mitch McConnell

Category