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Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

-David Letterman

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Thanksgiving Is The Day

David Letterman

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Thanksgiving Is The Day When You Turn To Another Family Member And Say, 'how Long Has Mom Been Drinking Like This?' My Mom, After Six Bloody Marys Looks At The Turkey And Goes, 'here, Kitty, Kitty.'

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They Found A Cave Once Lived In By Osama Bin Laden And The Only Thing In The Cave Were Some Boxer Undershorts, And Macaroni. I'm Telling You, You Add An Old Stack Of Playboys, This Could Be My Place. It's Like I Have A Twin.

Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

Valentine's Day Money-saving Tip: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th.

Fifteen Years Ago Tomorrow I Had Open Heart Surgery, A Quintuple Bypass Surgery. Thanks To All Of My Doctors. Because Of Them, In 15 Years Of Life I've Been Able To Experience, Well, Acid Reflux, Short-term Memory Loss, And Erectile Dysfunction. Thanks For All Your Work. It's Great To Be Alive.

During The Debate, Palin Winked, Wrinkled Her Nose, And Gave A Shout-out To A Third-grade Class. Well, You Know, That Says Commander-in-chief To Me Right There. You Betcha!

I Heard Doctors Revived A Man Who Had Been Dead For 4-1/2 Minutes. When They Asked Him What It Was Like Being Dead, He Said It Was Like Listening To Yankees Announcer Phil Rizzuto During A Rain Delay.

Humans Are The Only Animal Who Can Have Sex Over The Phone.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

In Hollywood, Oscar Is King.

People Say New Yorkers Can't Get Along. Not True. I Saw Two New Yorkers, Complete Strangers, Sharing A Cab. One Guy Took The Tires And The Radio; The Other Guy Took The Engine.

How About That Oil Slick In The Gulf Of Mexico. And You Know, The Oil Slick Is Going Everywhere. So The Next Time Somebody Lands On The Hudson, It Won't Be That Big A Deal.

The Last Time The French Asked For 'more Proof' It Came Marching Into Paris Under A German Flag

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