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This Will Be Michelle Obama's Last Opportunity To Try To Get Me To Eat Kale.

-David Letterman

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This Will Be Michelle

David Letterman

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This Will Be Michelle Obama's Last Opportunity To Try To Get Me To Eat Kale.

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Let's Stop For A Moment To Admire The Rotating Pies.

Newt Gingrich Wants To Repeal Child Labor Laws. Ladies And Gentlemen, This Is The Man That We Need To Lead Us Into The 18th Century.

It's Autumn In New York. The Colors Are Changing Yellow, The Browns, The Greens, The Oranges. And That's Just The Tap Water.

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

Congratulations To Bill And Hillary Clinton: This Weekend, 33rd Wedding Anniversary. How About That? And You Thought The Iraqi War Was A Never-ending Conflict.

Congratulations

Wedding Anniversary

A New Survey Indicates That Obama Supporters Love Iphones. So If You Have An Iphone, Chances Are You Are Going To Be Supporting President Obama. In A Related Story, If You Support Governor Chris Christie From New Jersey, Chances Are You Love Ihop.

Obama Supporters

Did You Get The New Iphone Yet? The Iphone That I Have Is Outdated. It Has Two Pieces And A Hand Crank.

Honey, What Happened To "ladies First"? Husband Replies, "that's The Reason Why The Worlds A Mess Today, Because A Lady Went First!"

Mitt Romney Is Quite A Guy. At One Point He And His Wife Bought A Zoo And Fired All The Animals.

President Obama Says He Wants To Put An End To The Policy, 'don't Ask, Don't Tell.' Yeah, In The Military. This Is Not To Be Confused With George Bush's Policy, 'don't Know, Don't Care.' That's A Whole Different Deal.

The Reason I Vote Democrat Is Because I Think It's Better To Pay Billions For Oil To People Who Hate Us, But Not Drill Our Own Because It Might Upset Some Endangered Beetle, Gopher, Or Fish Here In America. We Don't Care About The Beetles, Gophers, Or Fish In Those Other Countries.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Not Concerned About Millions Of Babies Being Aborted So Long As We Keep All Death Row Inmates Alive And Comfy.

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

Donald Trump Announced That He Is Not Running For President. He Would Rather Spend His Time Making Gary Busey Sell Snapple On The Street.

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

Over The Weekend, Of Course, Down There In Washington, D.c., They Had The Big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do You Know Who Was Really Funny? President Obama. So Funny, In Fact, He Has Already Been Promised 'the Tonight Show' In Five Years.

New Orleans: The Least Annoying French Place On Earth.

We Thought New York City Was Home To 8 Million Rats. Turns Out, That's A Little High. The Actual Number Is 2 Million Rats. That Explains The Light Turnout For The Midterm Elections.

Barack Obama's Busy Moving Into The White House. Earlier Today, John Mccain Was Blowing On His Soup.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

Mayor De Blasio Wants To Eliminate Garbage. He Believes New York City Produces Way Too Much Garbage. Well, Heck, Forget About Producing Too Much Garbage. What About Late-night Talk Shows?

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

President Bush Announced He Has A Five-point Strategy For Getting Out Of Iraq. Points Six Through 10 Will Be Handled By The Kerry Administration.

By Accident Jeb Bush Announced That He Was Running For President. And Then He Said, 'no, Not Yet. Ok, I Made A Mistake.' And Then Later In The Day, By Accident, He Called Hillary And Congratulated Her.

Everyday Is A Compromise.

My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I Are Going To Continue In Show Business. Next Month Paul And I Will Debut Our New Act At Caesar's Palace With Our White Tigers.

Illinois Is The Only State Where The Present Governor Rides Around In A Car Whose License Plate Was Made By A Previous Governor.

I Went To The Beach A Couple Of Times In New York City. Tough Summer Out There, But I Was Pretty Excited. I Found What I Thought At The Time Was A Very Rare Seashell. And I Took It To A Friend Of Mine Who Works In A Museum. And I Was Really Disappointed. It Turned Out To Be Just A Human Ear.

Newt Gingrich Says He Wants To Get Rid Of Social Security. Who Is More Qualified To Give This Country Financial Advice Than A Guy Who Ran Up A Half-million Dollar Bill At Tiffany?

Number One Way Life Would Be Different If Dogs Ran The World: All Motorists Must Drive With Head Out Window.

Now There Are Reports That Osama Bin Laden Would Like To Commit Suicide On Television. This Is The Kind Of Lead-in I Have Been Praying For Every Since I Came To Cbs. Bin Laden Is Planning A Televised Suicide Or, As I Call It, Hosting The Academy Awards.

North Korean Dictator Kim Jung Il May Be Stepping Down. Yeah, Experts In The State Department Say He Could Be Replaced By His Son, Menta Li Ill.

America Is The Only Country Where A Significant Proportion Of The Population Believes That Professional Wrestling Is Real But The Moon Landing Was Faked.

Number One: Don't Frisk Me. Don't Hurt Me Physically. Don't Get Anywhere Near My Neck. And Don't Call Me Regis.

There's Already Been Some Trouble For Osama Bin Laden In The Afterlife. There Was A Mix Up And He Was Greeted By 72 Vegans.

Osama Bin Laden

New York Now Leads The World's Great Cities In The Number Of People Around Whom You Shouldn't Make A Sudden Move.

You've Got To Be Careful Smoking Weed. It Causes Memory Loss. And Also, It Causes Memory Loss.

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

The First Presidential Debate Was Down In Florida. Residents Spent All Day Putting Plywood On Their Televisions.

Yesterday Was Not Only Daylight Saving Time, But Also International Women's Day. What Better Way To Address The Issue Of Inequality For Women Than Giving Them A Day That's Missing An Hour.

I Knew That If I Woke Up Hung Over, I Couldn't Do The Best Possible Job On The Show, So I Had To Quit. Also, I'd Consumed A Lot Of Beer For A Lot Of Years, And I Thought, That's Enough. I've Had My Fun And I'm Glad I Quit.

Al Gore Has Endorsed Howard Dean For President. That's Pretty Fitting, The Guy That Didn't Beat Bush Endorsing The Guy Who Won't Beat Bush.

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

Bill Clinton Has A Brand New Book Coming Out In A Few Months And The Democrats Are Worried That The Clinton Book Might Upstage The Kerry Campaign. I'm Thinking, Hell, Day-old Meat Loaf Could Upstage That Campaign.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

Finally We Got Some Good News About The Economy. Barack Obama Got $800 Billion To Rescue The Economy. All I Can Say Is, 'thank You, Oprah.'

Have You Folks Been Following The Controversy With John Kerry And His Service In Vietnam And The Swift Boat Campaign? It All Took Place In Vietnam And Now It Just Won't Go Away. I Was Thinking About This - If John Kerry Had Just Ducked The War Like Everybody Else He Wouldn't Have This Trouble.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

About Half An Hour Before Air Time - That's When I Become Hyper. I Put Everything Else Out Of My Mind And Just Let That Nervous Energy Surge Through My Body. I Start Talking Faster And Louder. My Confidence Comes Up. It's Actually A Great Feeling.

Them Bats Is Smart. They Use Radar!

Apparently, There's Something Hinky About The New Iphones. They're Not Hooked Up Right. ... There's A Problem With The Antenna. They Don't Like To Be Held - Like My Ex-wife.

Bush Explained His Strategy For Transfer Of Power. It's A Two Part Plan. Part One: Clean Out His Desk. Part Two: Rent A U-haul.

The Democrats Were Crushed In The Midterm Elections. The Republican Juggernaut Pounded The Democrats, And The Pundits Say They Will Not Really Know What Happened To The Democrats Until They Find The Black Box.

Howard Dean Was Endorsed By Former Vice President Al Gore And Now He Is Getting Advice From Al Gore. And I'm Thinking, Who Better To Give Advice Than The Guy Who Couldn't Even Get Elected With The Most Votes?

Donald Trump Is Talking About Running For President. He Hasn't Made An Announcement, But I Want To Tell You Something. The Fake Suspense Is Killing Me.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

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Are You Excited About The Recall Election? Arnold's Campaign Has A New Slogan: 'win One For The Groper.'

John Kerry Says That Foreign Leaders Want Him To Be President, But That He Can't Name The Foreign Leaders. That's All Right, President Bush Can't Name Them Either.

Hillary Clinton Is Now In Iowa. She's Spending Every Waking Minute Of Her Day Meeting Ordinary People, And It's To Prepare Her For A Job In Which She Will Never Again Meet An Ordinary Person.

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

There Are So Many Flavors Of Coke Now - Coke With Lemon, Coke With Vanilla, Coke With Lime, Cherry Coke, And They've Just Brought Out Another New Flavor - Coke With Pepsi.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Now Governor Of California. He Is A Very Shrewd Man - He Already Has All Of His Sex Scandals Behind Him.

They Say The Oil Spill Has The Potential To Kill More Wildlife Than A Sarah Palin Hunting Trip.

President Obama Went To India, South Korea, Then Japan. He's Going To Keep Travelling Until He Finds His Birth Certificate.

President Obama Has Two Years Left As President. I Wouldn't Be Surprised If He Gets To Appoint Two New Kardashian Husbands.

Today Is The Anniversary Of The Gettysburg Address. President Lincoln Wrote It On His Way To The Site Of The Speech On The Back Of An Envelope. One Guy On The Back Of An Envelope Wrote The Great Gettysburg Address - While Every Night It Takes Six Guys To Write This Crap!

The Issue Of Gay Marriage Has Reached The Supreme Court And Observers Are Analyzing Every Detail To Predict How Each Justice Will Vote. Experts Say Chief Justice John Roberts Is Likely To Rule In Favor Of Gay Marriage Based On The Fact That He Spent Tuesday's Hearings Watching The Tony Award Nominations.

During The Debate, Palin Winked, Wrinkled Her Nose, And Gave A Shout-out To A Third-grade Class. Well, You Know, That Says Commander-in-chief To Me Right There. You Betcha!

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

Say What You Will About Leona Helmsley, When It Comes To Standing Trial, She's Twice The Man Jim Bakker Is.

But I Was Thinking About This, The Obamas Want To Adopt A Stray Dog From The Pound. And I Think That Is Admirable. I Believe The Last President To Bring A Stray Dog Into The White House Got Impeached.

How Many People Saw Arnold's Speech Last Night? I Haven't Seen That Many Kennedys In One Place Since Their Last Trial.

John Mccain Said That Sarah Palin Is Still A Force In The Republican Party. Then He Got In His Car And Backed Over His Mailbox.

I Vote Democrat Because I Love The Fact That I Can Now Marry Whatever I Want. I've Decided To Marry My German Shepherd.

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

You Know Who's Also Joining The Wall Street Protesters? Kanye West. That's A Real Good Idea -- A Guy With Diamonds In His Teeth Protesting Greed.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

Midnight, And The Kitties Are Sleeping.

So The Guy Who Shot Gadhafi Was Wearing A Yankees Cap. Did You See That? If He'd Had A Boston Red Sox Hat On He Probably Would Have Missed.

Experts Say That Iraq May Have Nuclear Weapons. That's Bad News - They May Have A Nuclear Bomb. Now The Good News Is That They Have To Drop It With A Camel.

Valentine's Day Money-saving Tips: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th. In Place Of Bubble Bath, Use Lavender-scented Dish-washing Liquid. Forget Rose Petals. Sprinkle The Bed With Sliced Beets!

Chi-os Were Ideal Partners For All Occasions. They Were Discrete, Desirable, Tactful, Polite, And Fun... Every Mom Dreamed Of Her Son Coming Home With A Chi Omega, A Woman's Woman.

Sometimes When You Look In His Eyes You Get The Feeling That Someone Else Is Driving.

It Is Cold Down In Washington, Dc. They Had To Use An Ice Scraper On John Boehner's Face To Get The Tears Off, It Was So Cold.

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe Liberal Judges Need To Rewrite The Constitution Every Few Days To Suit Fringe Kooks Who Would Never Get Their Agendas Past The Voters.

Incredible Experience, Watching A Baby Birth On The Internet. It's Now My Screensaver.

Well, The Manhunt Continues For That Elusive Evil Mastermind, But I'm Telling You Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Remains At Large.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

Obama Took A Tour Of The Great Wall Of China And Said, 'we Need One Of These Things Around The White House.'

Presidential Candidate Howard Dean Is Now Being Attacked For Dodging The Draft. I Never Knew This About The Guy - But Now I Know This Guy Is Presidential Material.

I Heard This Rumor That Al Qaeda Is Merging With Hamas. Yeah, I Got That Tip From Martha Stewart.

Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

The Entire Island Of Martha's Vineyard Has Gone Obama Crazy. There's Even A Cocktail That They've Named After Barack Obama. It's Called The Obamarita. Not To Be Confused With A Cocktail Inspired By John Mccain, The Cosmopoligrip. And Then There Was One A Couple Of Years Ago Inspired By George W. Bush, The Mojidiot. Of Course, There Was The Bill Clinton Screwdriver.

Life Experience Is The Best Teacher.

Life Experience

Today Would Have Been The Birthday Of Osama Bin Laden. It Makes Me Remember When Seal Team 6 Threw Him A Surprise Party.

President Obama's Trying To Work Out A Nuclear Deal With Iran, And The Republicans Are Steamed. They Got Together And Sent Iran A Letter About The Nuclear Deal. They Said If This Doesn't Work, By God, They're Going To Send Seth Rogen And James Franco.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe That Businesses Should Not Be Allowed To Make Profits For Themselves. They Need To Break Even And Give The Rest Away To The Government For Redistribution As The Democrat Party Sees Fit.

Iraq Is So Bad That President Obama Phoned Hillary Clinton And Asked Her If She Could Start Early.

Mitt Romney Looks Like An American President In A Canadian Movie.

American President

I'm An Environmentalist. Most Of My Jokes Are Recycled.

Environmentalist

This Warning From The New York City Department Of Health Fraud: Be Suspicious Of Any Doctor Who Tries To Take Your Temperature With His Finger.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

To Label Jason Randal A Magician Does A Disservice. You'll Think The Laws Of Physics, Nature, The Universe Itself Have Been Suspended. He's As Good As Houdini Was At His Best!

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

As You Watch The Gary Condit Interview, Three Words Come To Mind: Stiff, Unbending And Impenetrable. And That's Just His Hair.

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

Good Luck Finding A Place To Park In New York City. And When You Do, Good Luck Figuring Out The Parking Signs, Restrictions, And Prohibitions. It Is So Complicated. It Has Gotten So Bad, I Never Park My Car Without A Lawyer.

They're Saying Now That Rick Santorum Is Gaining Momentum Because He's Not Romney. And Mitt Romney Was Furious. He Replied, 'well, I Can Do That.

I Think The Number One Public-relations Blunder Osama Has Made Is That He Lives In A Cave-fortress And If There's One Thing We've Learned From It's That You Can't Trust A Guy Who Lives In A Cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm Telling You The List Goes On.

President Obama Is In China. Today He Visited The Kids Who Make Our Cellphones.

Hillary Clinton Could Use One Of These Apple Watches. She Could Hook It Up To Her Secret Email Account. If You Want To Contact Hillary, She's At Hillary@pantsuit.com.

Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Are You Getting A Big Kick Out Of The Enron Scandal? I Find This Interesting That Whenever A Big Crisis Starts, People Start Showing Up In Church. So, Ken Lay Shows Up In Church This Weekend. Church Officials Are Still Looking For The Collection Plates.

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

Mitt Romney Has Asked Todd Akin To Step Down. That's Too Bad. Todd Akin Was The Guy To Lead The Republican Party Into The 16th Century.

I Always Liked Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Salesman Who Follows You Around At Brooks Brothers.

I Don't Like Stand-up Comedy That Requires A Lot Of Props. I Really Respect People Who Can Walk Out Onstage Alone And With No Other Tool But Their Own Minds And Can Make You Laugh And Maybe Even Think A Little.

I Believe I Have Voted For Both Democrats And Republicans. Am I Either One? Absolutely Not. Ladies And Gentlemen, I Am An American.

While I Was Gone, I Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery On My Heart. Plus, I Got A Haircut.

Don't Worry. It's Just A Flesh Wound.

A Small Handgun Makes Any Tv Remote Control.

Based On What You Know About Him In History Books, What Do You Think Abraham Lincoln Would Be Doing If He Were Alive Today? 1) Writing His Memoirs Of The Civil War. 2) Advising The President. 3) Desperately Clawing At The Inside Of His Coffin.

I Vote Democrat Because Freedom Of Speech Is Fine As Long As Nobody Is Offended By It.

Freedom Of Speech

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.

John Kerry Told Tom Ridge He Was Too Busy To Receive A Homeland Security Briefing. I Thought That Was Odd, Since You're Not Supposed To Ignore Terrorist Threats Until After You Become President.

I Like Halloween. It Gives You A Chance To Dress Up Like Something You're Not, You Know? Like When The Miami Dolphins Put On Football Uniforms.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

Yesterday Was The New York City Marathon. Republicans Won In A Landslide.

Jeb Bush Has To Distance Himself From What They Call The Bush Brand. So He Keeps Saying, 'i Am My Own Man.' But When Governor Chris Christie Is Out On The Campaign Trail, He's Always Saying, 'i'm My Own Man, Plus Another Guy.'

I Pulled A Hamstring During The New York City Marathon. An Hour Into The Race, I Jumped Off The Couch.

Don't Forget It's Daylight Savings Time. You Spring Forward, Then You Fall Back. It's Like Robert Downey Jr. Getting Out Of Bed.

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

We're Learning More About Osama Bin Laden. His Father Was Married 16 Times, And He Has Five Wives. I Think We're Getting To The Root Of His Intense Anger. And They Say Bin Laden Never Spends The Night In The Same Place Twice. No, Wait A Minute, That's Clinton.

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

Last Night The United States Dropped Four 2,000 Pound Bombs On Saddam Hussein. I Don't Know Anything About Explosives, But, My God, Do Those Things Even Need To Explode?

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

Because Utah Is Largely Mormon Country, The Firing Squad's A Little Different. You're Blindfolded But No Cigarette.

Keep In Mind That Your Individual Vote Doesn't Mean Anything.

Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

You Know, Barack Obama The Last Ten Days Was Traveling Overseas Campaigning In Europe And Everywhere. It Was So Successful, Campaigning Abroad, That He Is Actually Thinking About Campaigning Here In The United States.

The Ayatollah In Iran Says He Believes That He Got The Letter, But He Thinks He Accidentally Threw It Out With His Crate & Barrel Catalog.

Texas Senator Ted Cruz Announced He Is Running For President. Ted Cruz Was Born In Canada, His Father Fled To The United States From Cuba, And Yet Ted Cruz Is Against Immigration. Isn't That Odd?

Over The Weekend Mitt Romney Went Body Surfing. He Has Not Body Surfed Since The '90s When He Starred On 'baywatch.'

Rick Perry Is Now Saying He Thinks That Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is Fake. I Think Perry May Have Faked His Driver's License.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

President Obama Is Sending A Couple Hundred Troops To Iraq. We Spent Six Years Trying To Figure A Way To Get Out Of Iraq. And Now We're Back. But This Time There Is An Exit Strategy. Barack Obama Has An Exit Strategy. In 2016, He's Gone.

John Kerry Says The 'w' In George W. Bush Stands For 'wrong.' But He Still Can't Explain What John Kerry Stands For.

The Candidates At The Republican Debate Looked Like A Town Council That Was Outlawing Dancing. They Looked Like A Board Of Directors That Was Lying About Poisoning A River.

Tim Tebow Has Been On The Bench Longer Than Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

When I Became A Sigma Chi It Was Great, Because They Were The Pople I Enjoyed Being With And I Was Very Proud Of The Association. It Was Kind Of An Instant Confidence Builder For Me--that What I Considered The Best Fraternity On Campus Had Actually Wanted Me. And I Had Always Been Very Shy And Without A Lot Of Confidence. So It Was A Really Good Social Experience And For Me It Was Also A Social Maturation. It Was A Great Benefit.

Fine Art And Pizza Delivery: What We Do Falls Neatly In Between.

The Weather Here Is Gorgeous. It's Mild And Feels Like It's In The Eighties. The Hot Dog Vendors Got Confused Because Of The Weather And Thought It Was Spring, So They Accidentally Changed The Hot Dog Water In Their Carts.

Critics Of The Wall Street Protesters Claim That They Have Old Ideas, Nothing New, And They're Never Going To Work. Wait A Minute., That Sounds Like This Show.

They're Saying President Obama Doesn't Have Any Friends. The Problem Is That He Can't Get Congress To Approve One.

President Obama

Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

When We Started The Show, There Were Mixed Responses. Half Of The People Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Chance.' The Other Half Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Prayer.'

The Morning After I Had My Heart Bypass, The Doctor Called And Said, Soon You'll Be Able To Have Sex. I Said, I've Heard That For Years.

It's Two Days Until Tax Time. I Know It's Late, But There Is Still Time To Deduct This Show As A Loss.

Today Mitt Romney Is 68 Years Old. It's Kind Of Sad, A 68-year-old Guy With No Job, No Future - Wait A Minute, That's Me.

Two Creative Spirits In A Relationship, I Don't Think That's The Best Way To Go.

This Hillary Clinton Scandal Has To Do With Emails. All I Get Are Emails For Canadian Viagra.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Got Into A Huge Debate With Arianna Huffington About Immigration - Going Back And Forth - Finally Immigration Came In And Hauled Them Both Away.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

They're Talking About Putting A Woman On The $20 Bill. And Hillary Said, 'i'm Available.'

Let's See What's Going On Over In Iraq. A Burger King Has Opened Up And Prostitutes Are Back On The Street Of Baghdad After 20 Years. Fast Food And Hookers - They Are Truly Living The American Dream.

How About This John Kerry Controversy? So He's Out There In California, Tells Some Kind Of Joke And It Backfires. He's Saying He Botched The Joke. ... This Guy Can Lose Elections He's Not Even In.

Dingoes, Jackals, Skunks, Vipers And Weasel Are Now Illegal In New York City. Well Great, Who's Going To Run Cbs?

The Creepy Stuff Was That I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked For Me On This Show. Now, My Response To That Is Yes I Have. I Have Had Sex With Women Who Worked On This Show. Would It Be Embarrassing If It Were Made Public? Perhaps It Would, Especially For The Women.

Our Guest Tonight Is Michelle Obama, First Lady Of The United States. She's Here To Announce Her Run For President.

Here's A Woman, A Real Pioneer For Other Women Looking For Careers In Stand-up Comedy. And Talk About Guts - She Would Come Out Here And Sit In This Chair And Say Some Things That Were Unbelievable - Where You Would Have To Swallow Pretty Hard... But It Was Hilarious... The Force Of Her Comedy Was Overpowering.

Ted Cruz Could Be President Of The United States. If You Thought The Secret Service Was Drinking Before

Moammar Gadhafi Was Found Hiding In A Storm Sewer With A Gold-plated Gun. That's Me In Retirement, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

Holyfield Won The Fight. It's Not The First Time Romney Has Been Knocked Out By A Black Guy.

Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

President Obama Is Sending Troops Back To Iraq. He Said, 'don't Worry, We Should Not Be There Any Longer Than A Kardashian Marriage.'

Scientists Have Proven Beyond A Shadow Of A Doubt That There Is Life After Death -- Though They Say It's Virtually Impossible To Get Decent Chinese Food.

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

President Bush Insisted That There Was Nothing In The August 6th, 2001 Briefing, Which Was Titled 'bin Laden Determined To Attack The United States', That Hinted What Bin Laden Was Up To. Bush Says That He Would Have Moved Mountains To Stop The Attack. Yeah, But He Draws The Line At Reading A Memo.

Airport Screeners Are Now Scanning Holiday Fruitcakes. Not Even The Scanners Can Tell What Those Little Red Things Are.

The General Election's Taking Place Today In Iraq, So I Guess That Means We're One Step Closer To Being There For Another 10 Years.

I Worry About Rick Perry. One, He's Too Conservative, Two, His Debating Skills. And Three ... Oh Crap, What Was Three?

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

Hillary Clinton Is Campaigning In Iowa, Virtually Going Door To Door To Every Home In Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses Finally Got Fed Up And Said, 'get Lost. Get Out Of Here!'

Let Me Just Say This: You Know Your Campaign Is Not Going Well When You Open A Press Conference By Saying, 'i Told You There Would Be More Lewd Photos'.

Newt Gingrich's Campaign Is Broke. All The Money Gone. So Now He's Charging $50 For A Photo. And For $100 You Can Marry Him.

Here's The Plot Of 'interstellar.' Refugees - They're Known As Democrats - They're Looking For A New Planet.

Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now You Can Legally Own Ferrets In New York City. I Want To Tell You Something. If I Want To See Anymore Beady-eyed Little Weasels, I'll Just Keep Riding The Subway.

Did You Hear About This Genius That Got On A Plane And Set Fire To His Feet? Turns Out He Had Bombs In His Shoes And The Problem All Started When The Flight Attendants Asked Him Nicely To Extinguish His Feet. He Was Wearing Exploding Sneakers. The New Nike Air-jihads!

The New 'mad Max' Movie Takes Place In A Post-apocalyptic World. I Have A Small Part In 'mad Max.' I Play The Old Geezer Who Remembers What Steak Tasted Like.

We Have Defeated Saddam Hussein And Iraq. The Good News Is Iraq Is Ours, And The Bad News Is Iraq Is Ours.

Hillary Clinton Is Driving Across Iowa In A Van. It's To Get To Know The People She'll Never, Ever See Again In Her Life.

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