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Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

-David Letterman

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Child Labor, Not A

David Letterman

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Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

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Congratulations

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Television Commercials

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Native American

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Cities In The World

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Valentine's Day Money-saving Tips: Break Up On February 13th, Get Back Together On The 15th. In Place Of Bubble Bath, Use Lavender-scented Dish-washing Liquid. Forget Rose Petals. Sprinkle The Bed With Sliced Beets!

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

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The Morning After I Had My Heart Bypass, The Doctor Called And Said, Soon You'll Be Able To Have Sex. I Said, I've Heard That For Years.

Wherever We've Travelled In This Great Land Of Ours, We've Found That People Everywhere Are About 90% Water.

Iraq's Elite Republican Guard Is Doing So Badly They're Changing Their Name To The Democratic Guard.

Today, The L.a. Times Accused Arnold Schwarzenegger Of Groping Six Women. I'm Telling Ya, This Guy Is Presidential Material.

It's So Warm Now, And Thanksgiving Came So Early - Is It Just Me, Or Does It Not Really Feel Like Ramadan?

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John Boehner Is A Member Of A Country Club In Ohio. It Turns Out That The Bartender Was Plotting To Poison Boehner. Now Wait A Minute. Isn't That The Movie With Seth Rogen And James Franco?

Pope Francis Is Going To Go To Washington, D.c., To Address Congress. He Believes The New England Patriots Have Been Deflating His Giant Hat.

Do You Know What I'm Going To Do When I Retire? I Hope To Become The New Face Of Scientology.

If It Wasn't For Coffee, I'd Have No Discernible Personality At All.

I Don't Know What They Are Protesting At Occupy Wall Street But I'm On Their Side. But 10,000 Protestors And One Porta Potty?

Someone Did A Study Of The Three Most-often-heard Phrases In New York City. One Is "hey Taxi." Two Is "what Train Do I Take To Get To Bloomingdales?" And Three Is "don't Worry, It's Only A Flesh Wound.

So The Guy Who Shot Gadhafi Was Wearing A Yankees Cap. Did You See That? If He'd Had A Boston Red Sox Hat On He Probably Would Have Missed.

I Like My Cinema Gritty, I Like My Eggs Gritty.

President Bush Says He Needs A Month Off To Unwind. Unwind? When The Hell Does This Guy Wind?

Two Creative Spirits In A Relationship, I Don't Think That's The Best Way To Go.

You Have Kim Jong Il, And You Have His Brother, Menta Lee Il.

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Pepsi Has A New Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew. No, We Don't Have An Ebola Vaccine, But We Do Have The Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

President Bush Has Said That He Does Not Need Approval From The Un To Wage War, And I'm Thinking, Well, Hell, He Didn't Need The Approval Of The American Voters To Become President, Either.

It Was A Tough Press Conference For President Bush. He Spent The First Ten Minutes Trying To Pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush Insisted That Iraq Is Not Vietnam. Of Course Not, He Avoided Vietnam.

Yesterday Was Not Only Daylight Saving Time, But Also International Women's Day. What Better Way To Address The Issue Of Inequality For Women Than Giving Them A Day That's Missing An Hour.

Over The Weekend, John Kerry - The Big John Kerry Juggernaut Moves On - He Won Primaries In Washington D.c., Nevada And, I Think, Canada. And He's So Confident That He's Started Nailing That Intern Again.

Welcome To The Program. My Name Is Dave Letterman, And Tonight I'm Giving My Two-week Notice.

Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

Newt Gingrich Says He Wants To Get Rid Of Social Security. Who Is More Qualified To Give This Country Financial Advice Than A Guy Who Ran Up A Half-million Dollar Bill At Tiffany?

I've Had Nothing But Great Friendship To Help Me Through This.

Great Friendship

Last Night, President Bush Gave A Prime-time Press Conference. It Was Such A Big Deal That Fox Decided To Preempt American Idol. Which Made Sense To Me, You Don't Want Too Many Amateurs On In One Night.

My Retirement Plan Was In Place But Bernie Maidoff With My Money.

Congratulations To Bill And Hillary Clinton: This Weekend, 33rd Wedding Anniversary. How About That? And You Thought The Iraqi War Was A Never-ending Conflict.

Congratulations

Wedding Anniversary

It's Autumn In New York. The Colors Are Changing Yellow, The Browns, The Greens, The Oranges. And That's Just The Tap Water.

Why We Are Here: To Tremble At The Terrible Beauty Of The Stars, To Shed A Tear At The Perfection Of Beethoven's Symphonies, And To Crack A Cold One Now And Then.

Did You See Howard Dean Ranting And Raving? Here's A Little Tip Howard - Cut Back On The Red Bull.

The Latest Polls Show That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante In The Polls. That's Insane. I Mean, Think About It, This Guy Cruz Bustamante Has Never Even Been In A Movie.

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

The World's Oldest Woman Passed Away At 116. They Keep Dying. I Think That Title May Be Cursed.

He Has Been Greatly Missed Since His Retirement ... Thank God For Videotapes And Dvds. In This Regard, He Will Always Be Around.

Those North Korean Hackers Are At It Again. Earlier Today They Leaked Santa's Naughty List.

Here's A Woman, A Real Pioneer For Other Women Looking For Careers In Stand-up Comedy. And Talk About Guts - She Would Come Out Here And Sit In This Chair And Say Some Things That Were Unbelievable - Where You Would Have To Swallow Pretty Hard... But It Was Hilarious... The Force Of Her Comedy Was Overpowering.

President Bush Wants To Build A Space Station On The Moon. And From The Moon, He Wants To Launch People To Mars. You Know What This Means. He's Been Drinking Again.

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

When Martha Gets Out She'll Be Under House Arrest In Her Big $40 Million Mansion In Bedford. Boy, That'll Teach Her. She's Only Allowed Out Of The House For Doctors Visits, Grocery Shopping, Or To Dump More Stock.

Do You Know Who Is Ready To Go With The Presidential Campaign? Jeb Bush. Jeb Already Has Plans To End The War In Iraq That His Brother Started. All He Needs Is A Hot Tub Time Machine.

Barack Obama Said He May Negotiate With The Taliban. A Lot Of People Are Saying Okay, But Be Careful. But I Said This Guy Has Experience Negotiating With The Enemy. For Gosh Sake, He Lives With His Mother-in-law, You Know.

I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

Next In Importance To Having A Good Aim Is To Recognize When To Pull The Trigger.

Iraq Is So Bad That President Obama Phoned Hillary Clinton And Asked Her If She Could Start Early.

The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

John Kerry Went Duck Hunting And He's Doing That To Fulfill His Campaign Pledge To Hunt Down The Ducks And Kill Them Wherever They Are! Kerry Did Pretty Well; He Came Back With Four Ducks And Three Purple Hearts.

Did You Folks See President Bush's State Of The Union Address? How About That Surprise Announcement? Howard Dean Has Been Captured And He's In The Hands Of Interrogators.

We Inadvertently Bombed The Chinese Embassy. But Clinton Now Is Working Very Hard. He Has Sent A Letter Of Apology To The Chinese. And, He's Also Given Them A Gift Certificate For Future Nuclear Secrets.

Working Very Hard

I'll Be 50 Years Old Tomorrow And That Means, Among Other Things, That Now Bob Dole Can Start Telling Jokes About Me.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

Yesterday Was Election Day. If We Have Any Democrats In The Audience, I'm Sorry But You're Going To Have To Give Up Your Seats.

Osama Bin Laden Was Living In That Compound With Three Wives. It's Like He Was Newt Gingrich.

Osama Bin Laden

Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now You Can Legally Own Ferrets In New York City. I Want To Tell You Something. If I Want To See Anymore Beady-eyed Little Weasels, I'll Just Keep Riding The Subway.

Hey, Guess Who's Gay? The Green Lantern From The Comic Books. Today Mitt Romney Knocked Him Down And Shaved His Head.

I Love The Protests. And If You Think About It, What Better Way To Send A Message To Wall Street Than By Sitting In A Pup Tent Banging On A Drum.

I Pulled A Hamstring During The New York City Marathon. An Hour Into The Race, I Jumped Off The Couch.

How About This John Kerry Controversy? So He's Out There In California, Tells Some Kind Of Joke And It Backfires. He's Saying He Botched The Joke. ... This Guy Can Lose Elections He's Not Even In.

Hillary Clinton Is Campaigning In Iowa, Virtually Going Door To Door To Every Home In Iowa. Jehovah's Witnesses Finally Got Fed Up And Said, 'get Lost. Get Out Of Here!'

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

The National Association Of Theater Concessionaires Reported That In 1986, 60% Of All Candy Sold In Movie Theaters Was Sold To Roger Ebert.

There's A Turkey Shortage. Are You Aware Of That Fact? There's Also A Gravy Shortage. It's Up To $4 A Gallon. Governor Chris Christie Wants To Build A Gravy Pipeline.

Sarah Palin, Part-time Governor Of Alaska, Is Angry Because Michele Obama Is Encouraging Kids To Eat Healthy. Sarah Palin Believes The Government Shouldn't Tell Us What To Do. Sarah Palin Believes She Should Tell Us What To Do.

The Catholic Church Has A Tough New Policy On Child Molestors: Three Strikes And You're A Cardinal.

Let's See What's Going On Over In Iraq. A Burger King Has Opened Up And Prostitutes Are Back On The Street Of Baghdad After 20 Years. Fast Food And Hookers - They Are Truly Living The American Dream.

There Was An Interesting Development In The Cbs-westmoreland Trial: Both Sides Agreed That After The Trial, Andy Rooney Would Be Allowed To Talk To The Jury For Three Minutes About Little Things That Annoyed Him During The Trial.

The European Countries Are Really Hoping To Do Well In The Olympics. If They Win Gold Medals, They Can Use Them As Cash.

When I Was A Kid In Indiana, We Thought It Would Be Fun To Get A Turkey A Year Ahead Of Time And Feed It And So On For The Following Thanksgiving. But By The Time Thanksgiving Came Around, We Sort Of Thought Of The Turkey As A Pet, So We Ate The Dog. Only Kidding. It Was The Cat!

I Like Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy Who Comes With The Picture Frame.

You Folks Been Following The Big British Petroleum Oil Spill In The Gulf Of Mexico? I'm Telling You, British Petroleum Has Put More Birds In Oil Than Colonel Sanders.

I Heard Some Good News Today, The Fbi And The Cia Are Going To Start Cooperating. They Are Going To Start Working Together. And If You Don't Know The Difference Between The Fbi And The Cia, The Fbi Bungles Domestic Crime, The Cia Bungles Foreign Crime.

Tomorrow Is Election Day. It's What They Call The Midterm Elections, And You Can Cut The Indifference With A Knife. It's The Day Americans Leave Work Early And Pretend To Vote.

Former President Bush, To Celebrate His 80th Birthday, Jumped Out Of An Airplane. And If You've Seen The Polls, You Know He's Not The Only Bush In Freefall.

Any Online Gamblers Here? Well, Congress Is Looking In Shutting That Down.there's Going To Be A Massive Congressional Investigation Of Online Gambling And They're Going To Shut It Down. And When They Get Done With That, They're Going To Look Into This North Korean Thing.

Did You Get The New Iphone Yet? The Iphone That I Have Is Outdated. It Has Two Pieces And A Hand Crank.

Arnold Is Now The Front Runner. Everyone Was Snickering About It A Month Ago, Now It Looks Like He Will Be The Next Governor Of California. He Is So Confident He Has Already Chosen A Body Oil For The Inauguration.

I Always Liked Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Salesman Who Follows You Around At Brooks Brothers.

Sometimes When You Look In His Eyes You Get The Feeling That Someone Else Is Driving.

It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

As You Watch The Gary Condit Interview, Three Words Come To Mind: Stiff, Unbending And Impenetrable. And That's Just His Hair.

Hillary Clinton, Our Junior Senator From New York, Announced That She Has No Intentions Of Ever, Ever Running For Office Of The President Of The United States. Her Husband, Bill Clinton, Is Bitterly Disappointed. He Is Crushed. There Go His Dreams Of Becoming A Two-impeachment Family.

They Figured Out A Way To Control That Hamburger Disease. You Dip The Hamburger Into The Scalding Hot Coffee Before Eating.

Gays Are Now Allowed To Serve Openly In The Military. So Maybe Our Next War Could Be A Musical.

I'm Worried About John Kerry, He's So Confident Now That He's Already Planning His White House Sex Scandal.

I'm Very Resourceful. I'd Be Good In Prison. I'd Be Good In A Shipwreck. I'd Make A Great Hostage.

According To A New Survey, People Who Get Divorced Die Early. People Who Stay Married Live Longer. The Difference Is They Just Wish They Were Dead.

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Last Night We Had Bill Clinton, The Former President. Security Was As Tight As Governor Christie's Yoga Pants.

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Rocco DiSpirito

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