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We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

-Ellen DeGeneres

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We Focus So Much

Ellen DeGeneres

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We Focus So Much On Our Differences, And That Is Creating, I Think, A Lot Of Chaos And Negativity And Bullying In The World. And I Think If Everybody Focused On What We All Have In Common - Which Is - We All Want To Be Happy.

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There's Lotion For Your Face, For Your Hands, For Your Feet, For Your Body. Why? What Would Happen If You Put Hand Lotion On Your Feet? Would Your Feet Get Confused And Start Clapping? Each Kind Has Something Special In It - Aloe, Shea Butter, Coconut, Cocoa Butter, Vanilla, Lemon Extract. That's Not Lotion. That's One Ingredient Short Of A Bundt Cake.

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Be True To Yourself

True To Yourself

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What Would Bug The Taliban More Than Seeing A Gay Woman In A Suit Surrounded By Jews?

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The Word "yoga" Literally Means "uniting", Because When You're Doing It You Are Uniting Your Mind And Your Body. You Can Tell This Almost Immediately Because Your Mind Will Be Thinking, "ouch, That Hurts," And Your Body Will Say, "i Know." And Your Mind Will Think, "you Have To Get Out Of This Position." And Your Body Will Say, "i Agree With You, But I Can't Right Now. I Think I'm Stuck.

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I Don't Think I Remember My First Memory.

I Think Gender Plays A Part In Most Things, But I Don't Know How It Would Be Different Because I've Never Been A Man. And My Fame Is Different From Nicole Kidman's Or Sharon Stone's. I Think Everybody's Fame Is Different.

There Are People Who Study Germs. I Believe They Are Called Germans

I Became Vegan Because I Saw Footage Of What Really Goes On In The Slaughterhouses And On The Dairy Farms.

Being A Teenager And Figuring Out Who You Are Is Hard Enough Without Someone Attacking You.

It Feels Good. Kinda Like When You Have To Shut Your Computer Down, Just Sometimes When It Goes Crazy, You Just Shut It Down And When You Turn It On, It's Okay Again. That's What Meditation Is To Me.

Meditation Practice

Sometimes When I Am Driving I Get So Angry At Inconsiderate Drivers That I Want To Scream At Them. But Then I Remember How Insignificant That Is, And I Thank God That I Have A Car And My Health And Gas. That Was Phrased Wrong-normally You Wouldn't Say, Thank God I Have Gas.

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I Don't Want To Take A Pill. Go To Africa, Go Follow Some Bushman Around. He's Being Chased By A Lion. That's Stress. You're Not Going To Find A Pygmy On Paxil, I'll Tell You That Right Now.

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Haiku Sounds Like I'm Saying Hi To Someone Named Ku. Hi, Ku. Hello.

When You Take Risks You Learn That There Will Be Times When You Succeed And There Will Be Times When You Fail, And Both Are Equally Important.

And We Certainly Don't Have Full Conversations On Cellphones. You Know? Usually The Reception Is So Bad, But It's Only Bad On Your Side. The Person Talking To You Has No Clue. They're Just Rambling On And On. You've Got Your Finger Jammed In Your Ear, You're Shushing People On The Streets. You're Ducked Behind A Dumpster So You Can Hear About Your Friend's New Hair Cut. What About The Bangs Are They Shorter?! Are The Bangs Shorter?! The Bangs!

There Are All Sorts Of Books Offering Advice On How To Deal With Life-threatening Situations, But Where's The Advice On Dealing With Embarrassing Ones?

It's Nice When People Love You....for You.

No Matter How Popular You Are As A Stand-up - You Can Go Out And Fill A 10,000-seat Arena And Be Smart And Funny - It's Delicate To Host An Awards Show And Know Where Your Place Is And Know That It's Not About You, That It's About The People Who Are Nominated, And Respect That, But At The Same Time Have Your Moment To Show Them Who You Are.

My Hair Is Always At Its Best In New York. I Don't Know What's In The Water. It Could Be Mousse.

Penguins Mate For Life. Which Doesn't Really Surprise Me, Because They All Look Exactly Alike. It's Not Like They're Gonna Meet A Better-looking Penguin Someday.

I'm A - I'm A, Um, A Godmother Which Is Just, That's Fun To Be A Godmother, She Is So Precious, She's The Light Of My Life, She's Two... Or Five Or Something, And She's, Uh... I Don't Know, I've Never Seen Her - The Pictures Are Precious, She Just Seems So, Y'know... She Lives Clear Across Town, I Don't Have That Kind Of Time, But, Um... Well, I Send Money And Stuff, It's Not Like I Don't Have A Connection...

Laugh. Laugh As Much As You Can. Laugh Until You Cry. Cry Until You Laugh. Keep Doing It Even If People Are Passing You On The Street Saying, "i Can't Tell If That Person Is Laughing Or Crying, But Either Way They Seem Crazy, Let's Walk Faster." Emote. It's Okay. It Shows You Are Thinking And Feeling.

That's What Life Is All About. There's A Lot Of Crying. So You'd Better Cry Now And Get Used To It.

I Like Being Busy And Juggling A Lot Of Things At The Same Time. I Get Bored Easily, So I Need To Do A Lot.

We're Told To Go On Living Our Lives As Usual, Because To Do Otherwise Is To Let The Terrorists Win, And Really, What Would Upset The Taliban More Than A Gay Woman Wearing A Suit In Front Of A Room Full Of Jews?

I Love Furniture. And I Thought, Why Are We Not Seeing Who's Making The Cool New Coffee Table And These New Designs That Come Out?

The Sixties Were When Hallucinogenic Drugs Were Really, Really Big. And I Don't Think It's A Coincidence That We Had The Type Of Shows We Had Then, Like The Flying Nun.

When The Message Out There Is So Horrible That, To Be Gay, You Can Get Killed For It... We Need To Change The Message!!

Sometimes You Can't See Yourself Clearly Until You See Yourself Through The Eyes Of Others.

What Did The Letter O Say To Q? Dude, Your Dikk Is Hanging Out.

I Still Have The Shirt I Wore My First Time On Johnny Carson's Show. Only Now I Use It As A Tablecloth At Dinner Parties. It Was Very Blousy.

You Listen To Any Monologue On Late-night Tv Or Just In General, To People Talking, And There's Always A Joke At Someone's Expense. It's Sarcasm; It's Nasty. Kids Grow Up Hearing That, And They Think That's What Humor Is, And They Think It's Ok. But That Negativity Permeates The Entire Planet.

I Was In Yoga The Other Day. I Was In Full Lotus Position. My Chakras Were All Aligned. My Mind Is Cleared Of All Clatter And I'm Looking Out Of My Third Eye And Everything That I'm Supposed To Be Doing. It's Amazing What Comes Up, When You Sit In That Silence. "mama Keeps Whites Bright Like The Sunlight, Mama's Got The Magic Of Clorox 2."

Why Can't Rappers Just Say Nice Things? Like I Wanna Take Your Clothes Off And Hang Them Up In The Closet Real Nice.

If You Want To Get Rid Of Stuff, You Can Always Do A Good Spring-cleaning. Or You Can Do What I Do. Move.

But Seriously, I Think Overall In The Scheme Of Things Winning An Emmy Is Not Important. Let's Get Our Priorities Straight. I Think We All Know What's Really Important In Life - Winning An Oscar.

I Used To Beat Myself Up About Weight And Working Out, And No Matter What I Did I Never Felt Good About Myself. I Decided To Accept Myself And Know That I Am Good.

The World Is Full Of A Lot Of Fear And A Lot Of Negativity, And A Lot Of Judgment. I Just Think People Need To Start Shifting Into Joy And Happiness. As Corny As It Sounds, We Need To Make A Shift.

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

I Have A Terrible Problem With Procrastination. A Friend Told Me, "well, You Should Go To Therapy." And I Thought About It, But Then I Said, "wait A Minute. Why Should I Pay A Stranger To Listen To Me Talk When I Can Get Strangers To Pay To Listen To Me Talk?" And That's When I Got The Idea Of Touring.

Procrastination

I'm Not An Activist; I Don't Look For Controversy. I'm Not A Political Person, But I'm A Person With Compassion. I Care Passionately About Equal Rights. I Care About Human Rights. I Care About Animal Rights.

My Life Is Perfect Even When It's Not.

Beauty Is Not Between A Size 0 And A Size 8. It's Not A Number At All.

You Know How You Always Expect Someone To Think The Same As You And Then Your Like, Really Shocked When They Don't? Like When It's A Cold Day And You Turn To The Person Next To You And Say, 'its So Cold, Aren't You Cold?' And Then They Say 'no.' It's Kinda Like, 'what, Are You A Communist?'

I Want People To Like Me - But Not At My Expense. I Just Learned That There Are Too Many People Who Are Going To Have An Opinion About Me Whether I Am Kind To Them Or Not. I Can't Control What They're Feeling. I Am Not A Yeller And I Don't Have A Temper, But I Do Want People To Do Their Best. And If Someone Is A Friend And I See That They're Doing Stuff That Is Not Helping Them Grow, I Will Make It A Point To Talk To Them About It.

Have You Seen The Deer Heads On The Walls Of Bars, The Ones Wearing Party Hats, Sunglasses And Streamers? I Feel Sorry For Them Because Obviously They Were At A Party Having A Good Time.

I Am Saddened By How People Treat One Another And How We Are So Shut Off From One Another And How We Judge One Another, When The Truth Is, We Are All One Connected Thing. We Are All From The Same Exact Molecules.

I Believe One Day A 'ban On Gay Marriage' Will Sound Totally Ridiculous. In The Meantime, I Will Continue To Speak Out For Equality For All Of Us.

We Went To Lunch And Were Talking About Procrastination And The Waitress Overheard Us And She Said, 'i Have A Problem With Procrastination, Too.' I Said 'really?... Get My Sandwich.'

Procrastination

Our Flaws Are What Makes Us Human. If We Can Accept Them As Part Of Who We Are, They Really Don't Even Have To Be An Issue.

I Just Feel Like Every Kid Is Growing Up Too Fast And They're Seeing Too Much. Everything Is About Sex, And That's Fine For Me. I'm Not Saying I Don't Like It. But I Don't Think It Should Be Everywhere, Where Kids Are Exposed To Everything Sexual. Because They Have To Have Some Innocence; There's Just No Innocence Left.

I Had A Really Tough Time For A Few Years. My Show Was Gone. My Phone Wasn't Ringing. There Wasn't One Job Offer. And At That Point, I Thought I Knew For Sure That I Wouldn't Work In Hollywood Again.

All Of My Friends Were Seeing A Therapist, And I Thought Something Was Wrong With Me That I Didn't See A Therapist. So I Went To A Therapist To Find Out Why I Wasn't Seeing A Therapist. And It Turns Out I'm Very Screwed Up. Thank God I Found A Therapist To Tell Me For $125 An Hour.

Then You Have These People In The Movie Theaters That Talk The Whole Time During The Movie. You Ever Go With Somebody Like That To A Movie But You Don't Realize Until You Get There That You're With Somebody Like That? Brand New Movie. First Day It's Open. You're There Together And The Entire Time They're Sitting There: Where's She Going? Why'd He Do That? Is He Mad At Her? I Don't Know, Let's Watch And Find Out Together Shall We? You Know Who You Are. You're Denying It Right Now: I Do Not Do That. Why Is She Saying That?. What's She Gonna Say Next?

The Thing Everyone Should Realize Is That The Key To Happiness Is Being Happy For Yourself And Yourself.

Key To Happiness

I Wanted To Have Money; I Wanted To Be Special; I Wanted People To Like Me; I Wanted To Be Famous.

Right Before I Decided To Come Out, I Went On A Spiritual Retreat Called 'changing The Inner Dialogue Of Your Subconscious Mind.' I'd Never Been To Anything Like It Before, And All My Friends Were Taking Bets On How Long I'd Last With No Tv, No Radio, No Phone. But For Me That Was The Beginning Of Paying Attention To All The Little Things.

Human Beings Only Use Ten Percent Of Their Brains. Ten Percent! Can You Imagine How Much We Could Accomplish If We Used The Other Sixty Percent?

Some Celebrities, It's Interesting, Because They're Fantastic Playing A Character When Somebody Is Writing The Lines For Them, And They're Amazing Actors, But They're Not As Comfortable On Television In Front Of A Live Audience And Just Having A Conversation And Being Themselves.

Above All Things Physical, It Is More Important To Be Beautiful On The Inside - To Have A Big Hear And An Open Mind And A Spectacular Spleen.

Be Open To Learning New Lessons, Even If They Contradict The Lessons You Learned Yesterday.

I Talked To Beyonce And She Wants To Learn How To Speak Arabic And She Wants To Jump Out Of An Airplane. I Don't Want To Do That. I Just Don't Want To Wash My Hair Every Day.

When People Show Me Clothing That Seems Very, Very Feminine, It's Hard For Me To Embrace That, Because It Just Doesn't Feel Like Me.

I Think We Need More Love In The World. We Need More Kindness, More Compassion, More Joy, More Laughter. I Definitely Want To Contribute To That.

I Was Raised That You Don't Use Something Nice Until There's Someplace To Go.

If There Weren't Blacks, Jews And Gays, There Would No Oscars. Or Anyone Named Oscar, If You Think About That.

I Cannot Believe They Haven't Yet Come Up With A Better Screening Process Than The Mammogram. If A Man Had To Put His Special Parts Inside A Clamp To Test Him For Anything, I Think They Would Come Up With A New Plan Before The Doctor Finished Saying, "put That Thing There So I Can Crush It.

Have You Ever Thought About Toothpaste? Ellen Has! And She Makes A Point About All Of The Types Of Toothpaste That Colgate Offers!

The Way I See It... If You Need Both Of Your Hands For Whatever It Is You're Doing, Then Your Brain Should Probably Be In On It Too.

I See Those Picketers, And I Think You Know, If I Weren't A Loving, Non-violent, Spiritual Person, I Would Really Go Over There And Grab Those Signs And Smash Them Over Their Heads And Shove Them Up Their Asses. But...i'm A Loving, Spiritual Person.

It's Such An Honor To Receive The Mark Twain Prize. To Get The Same Award That Has Been Given To People Like Bill Cosby, Tina Fey And Will Ferrell, It Really Makes Me Wonder… Why Didn't I Get This Sooner?

Honestly, We'd Probably Be Great Parents. But It's A Human Being, And Unless You Think You Have Excellent Skills And Have A Drive Or Yearning In You To Do That, The Amount Of Work That That Is And Responsibility - I Wouldn't Want To Screw Them Up! We Love Our Animals.

If Anybody Could Put Themselves In That Situation Of Feeling A Giant Loud Voice Saying You Don't Deserve The Same Rights, You Are Different And You Are Not Equal, It Feels Really Bad.

It's So Much Better For Me To Do A Talk Show. You Still Have That Energy Of The Audience, And The Audience Is Just As Important As That Guest That's Sitting Next To Me. It's Not About Me And That Guest Exchanging Energy And Talking. It's About Everything That's Going On In That Room, And They're As Much A Part Of The Show As Anything. I Like This Better Than Anything I've Ever Done.

I Don't Know What People Are Scared Of...maybe They Think Their Children Will Be Influenced By Gay Marriage, But I've Got To Tell You, I Was Raised By Two Heterosexuals. Everywhere I Looked - Heterosexuals. And They Did Not Influence Me. It's Time We Love People For Who They Are And Let Them Love Who They Want.

I Feel Like I Have A Hangover, Without All The Happy Memories And Mystery Bruises.

You Should Never Assume. You Know What Happens When You Assume. You Make An Ass Out Of You And Me Because That's How It's Spelled.

I Collect Old Portraits. They're All Just Interesting Pictures Of People, And You Just Kind Of Wonder Who They Were And What They Were. There's A Guy - I Don't Know Who He Is, But He's Wearing A Suit. He's Got His Arms Folded, And He Looks Like He Sold Insurance Or Something. I'm Just Wondering Why Someone Painted Him.

I've Got A Lot To Say About Television. There's A Lot Going On In Television Right Now And I Feel Like A Huge Part Of Television.

Do You Live Each Day As If It's Your First Or Your Last? Either Way You Should Probably Have A Diaper On.

And Now I've Got To Explain The Smell That Was In There Before I Went In There. Does That Ever Happen To You? It's Not Your Fault. You've Held Your Breath, You Just Wanna Get Out, And Now You Open The Door And You Have To Explain, 'oh! Listen, There's An Odor In There And I Didn't Do It. It's Bad.

People Give Me Such A Hard Time Because I Don't Wear Dresses. What's That Got To Do With Anything?

It Must Be Around Forty, When You're "over The Hill." I Don't Even Know What That Means And Why It's A Bad Thing. When I Go Hiking And I Get Over The Hill, That Means I'm Past The Hard Part And There's A Snack In My Future. That's A Good Thing As Far As I'm Concerned.

Funny Inspirational

You're Never Too Old To Play. You're Only Too Old For Low-rise Jeans.

There Is Something About Tm. It Is The Only Time I Have That Stillness... It Gives Me This Peaceful Feeling-i Just Love It So Much.

I'm A Godmother, That's A Great Thing To Be, A Godmother. She Calls Me God For Short, That's Cute, I Taught Her That.

I Prefer To Believe That People Are Good And Honest And Respect Me Enough To Tell Me The Truth. It's Not Easy To Find Those People All The Time, But They're Out There.

The Only Thing I Really Recommend, If You're Starting Out In Stand-up Is To Not Try To Copy Anybody Else. You Can Be Influenced By People. I Was Influenced By Steve Martin And Bob Newhart And Woody Allen, But I Never Tried To Be Someone Else. I Always Tried To Be Myself. And The Reason People Are Successful Is They're Unique.

My Dog Of 17 Years Just Died. Oh You're Kidding?... Noooo... As Funny As That Is, I'm Not

I Think They Should Have A Barbie With A Buzz Cut.

I Had Everything I'd Hoped For, But I Wasn't Being Myself. So I Decided To Be Honest About Who I Was. It Was Strange: The People Who Loved Me For Being Funny Suddenly Didn't Like Me For Being... Me.

It Would Be Horrible To Live With Someone Who Didn't Like The Same Things You Like.

Things You Like

Above All, I Strive To Be The Best I Can - To Be Better Than I Was Yesterday And Better Tomorrow.

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