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My Ideal Meal Would Probably Be The Cheesiest Pasta Or Pizza, Followed By Something Creamy And Chocolaty. I Mean, Just The Worst Things, Really.

-Ricky Gervais

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My Ideal Meal Would

Ricky Gervais

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My Ideal Meal Would Probably Be The Cheesiest Pasta Or Pizza, Followed By Something Creamy And Chocolaty. I Mean, Just The Worst Things, Really.

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It's A Privilege To Be In Such A Great Category Of People And... I Don't Believe In God, So I'd Like To Thank Dogs. Dogs Have Given Me Everything.

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I Was Okay With Singing. I Always Sneak A Song Into Everything I Do. Dancing, A Little Awkward. Little Embarrassed About That. I Don't Move Well. But I Was With A Frog, So It Doesn't Matter. I'll Do Anything With A Frog, That's My Motto. He's Great With Tap-dancing Or Flap-dancing On My Head. So No One's Going To Be Looking At Me When We're Doing That Dance. They're Going To Be Saying, 'there's A Frog Dancing'.

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That’s The Other Thing I Learned That Day, That The Truth, However Shocking Or Uncomfortable, In The End Leads To Liberation And Dignity.

That's What Being Nervous And Sort Of Out Of Your Comfort Zone Does. It's The Same In "the Office" When A Black Guy Comes To The Office And All He Thinks Is `i Better Show This Guy I'm Not A Racist.' So What Does He Do? Only Talks About Black Issues.

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My Ideal Meal Would Probably Be The Cheesiest Pasta Or Pizza, Followed By Something Creamy And Chocolaty. I Mean, Just The Worst Things, Really.

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We Only Do What We Think Is Good And What We're Happy With. I Do That In Stand-up, I Even Do It With My Children's Books. I Don't Do Market Research, I Don't Have Focus Groups, I Don't Care. I Don't Care If It Fails, Honestly. I'd Rather Have Something That's Completely Mine Fail Than Something Succeed That I'm Not Proud Of.

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Dear Religion, This Week I Safely Dropped A Man From Space While You Shot A Child In The Head For Wanting To Go To School. Yours, Science.

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I Don't Do Anything For The Money.

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I Always Chose All My Friends On Whether They Were Funny. What's A Better Way To Pass The Time Than Laughing Or Smiling?

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Enjoy Your Life

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Unlike Religious People, I Look At All Religions Equally.

I Think The Social Faux Par Is Probably What Most People Fear... More People Fear Public Speaking Than Death And That's Because We Don't Want To Make A Fool Of Ourselves. It's Fundamental.

We Shouldn't Even Need The Word 'atheism'. If People Didn't Invent Ridiculous Imaginary Gods, Rational People Wouldn't Have To Deny Them.

I Think Comedy Has To Be An Intellectual Pursuit. It Comes Down To Logic And Analysis. As Soon As It Becomes Emotional, It's Not Comedy Anymore.

If You Can't Joke About The Most Horrendous Things In The World, What's The Point Of Jokes? What's The Point In Having Humor? Humor Is To Get Us Over Terrible Things.

Mondays Are Fine. It's Your Life That Sucks

I'm Not A Person That's Easily Embarrassed, But I'm Embarrassed For Other People.

If There Is A God, Why Did He Make Me An Atheist?

If There Is A God

If Your Boss Is Getting You Down, Look At Him Through The Prongs Of A Fork And Imagine Him In Jail.

It's Interesting That Music In This Country... We Sort Of Sold Something To America With The Beatles And They Sold Something Back. And We've Never Been Afraid To Embrace American Style Rock 'n' Roll And Make It Our Own Over Here.

I Think That's The Fundamental Thing - You Can Go Anywhere You Like As Long As You're Following A Character That The Audience Likes And Understands.

Comedy And Drama Are Different Sides Of The Same Coin. And The Thing About Comedy And Drama Is About Likability. It's About Character First. It's About Story. And For Me, It's About Empathy, And I Think The Realer Someone Is, The Further You Can Go Either Way With Them.

Where's Our Paul Newmans? Where's Our Robert Redfords? We've Got Jason Statham, Who Is Great... Blue Collar And Cool, Which Is Fantastic. And We've Got Hugh Grant, Which Is Great. But Where's This Crossover, This Blue Collar Guy Who Is Cool? Where Is Our James Dean? Where Is Our John Travolta And Steve Mcqueen?

If You Walked Around Like David Bowie In 1973 In Reading, You'd Get Beaten Up. The 1970s In A Small Town Was More Like The 1950s.. And That's The Truth. The Backdrop Was Probably Victorian.

I Use People's Real Voices Because I Want Realism. So Often I Mention The Actors' Physicality Because I Want It To Be Like A Real Documentary.

Thank You God For Making Me An Atheist.

Same-sex Marriage Is Not A Gay Privilege, It's Equal Rights.

You Can Just Keep Getting It Worse Until You Have To Pull Back And Let The Audience Breathe. But Yeah, I Really Love Digging.

People Have Let Me Down In The Past. I've Loved Something, And It's Become A Disgrace. I'd Rather Start Again.

If I Do Eat Meat, It's Got To Be Ethical. I Want To Know That It Lived A Great Life Before It Was Killed Humanely.

The Best Way To Avoid Criticism Is Never Do Anything Ever. Or, Do What You Love, Have A Great Life & Let Others Spend Their Time Criticising.

I Think Hollywood's Gotten More Reactionary And Conservative Over The Years, Because There's No Longer Art In Hollywood. Art Suffers In Hollywood.

I Always Knew I Had To Be 100 Percent In Charge, Even When I Was A Middle Manager. I Used To Say To My Boss, "just Give Me Enough Rope And Then Fire Me."

I Fought A Bear Once. But It Started Crying, So I Let It Off.

My Physique Is Down To 20 Years Of Eating Cheese.

I Think What Makes Us Human Is Those Choices - Whether To Tell The Truth Or Not.

Telling The Truth

I Want To Get All The Nations Of The World Together, It Doesn't Matter What Colour Or Creed, And I Want To Sit Them Down And Say: "guys, The Office Is Still Available On Dvd."

My Greatest Hero Is Nelson Mandela. What A Man. Incarcerated For 25 Years, He Was Released In 1990 And He Hasn't Reoffended. I Think He's Going Straight, Which Shows You Prison Does Work.

You Are The Result Of Billions Of Years Of Evolution. You Will Only Live For A Few Years And Will Never Exist Again. Absolutely Beautiful

I Can't Find Someone Funny Whom I Don't Like. Hitler Told Great Jokes. I Didn't Find It Funny At All.

Opinions Don't Affect Facts. But Facts Should Affect Opinions, And Do, If You're Rational

When I Direct My Own Scripts, It's Much Easier As It's Been In My Head For A Year Already... What I Love About This Is Having An Idea And Seeing It Come To Fruition On Screen. I Would Like To Direct Someone Else's Script One Day, But I Might Not Get Round To It Before I Die - You Can't Legislate For Being Hit By A Bus!

I've Worked In An Office. People Are Sitting Down Doing Their Stuff, Or Pretending To Do Their Stuff, And They're Bored. I've Heard A Car Tire Screech And 30 People Went To The Window. That Was A Piece Of Excitement In Their Day, That A Car Might Have Had To Stop Quickly, You Know. You Don't Need Dinosaurs, You Know.

Whether You Understand They Evolved Over Billions Of Years Or Believe That A God Made Them All One Afternoon, Please Be Kind To Animals.

Comedy Is A Medicine - A Healing Process That Can Help People Get Through Difficult Times And Understand Things Better

The Best Advice I've Ever Received Is, 'no One Else Knows What They're Doing Either.

It's Better To Create Something That Others Criticise Than To Create Nothing And Criticise Others. Go Create, Have Fun!!

There's No Difference Between Fame And Infamy Now. There's A New School Of Professional Famous People That Don't Do Anything. They Don't Create Anything.

America Champions The Underdog. We Champion The Underdog Until He's Not The Underdog Anymore, And He Annoys Us.

I Don't Think It Matters If There Is A God Or Not. I've Met People Who Believe In God That Are Good And That Are Bad. And I've Met People Who Don't Believe In God That Are Good And That Are Bad. So, Just Be Good. I'm Good. Not Cos I Think I'll Go To Heaven But Because When I Do Something Bad, I Feel Bad. And When I Do Something Good, I Feel Good.

If There Is A God

The World Is Not Entirely Comic And It's Not Entirely Dramatic. You Have A Laugh And Then Someone Finds A Lump And You Deal With That. Because That Is What Life Is Like.

If All The Atheists & Agnostics Left America, They'd Lose 93% Of The National Academy Of Sciences & Less Than 1% Of The Prison Population.

Prison Population

It's Going To Be A Night Of Partying And Heavy Drinking. Or As Charlie Sheen Calls It: Breakfast.

Growing Up, The Two Things That Made My Blood Boil Were Religious Intolerance And Animal Cruelty. I’ve Never Understood It. I Can’t Stand To Have An Animal In Pain.

Americans Are Brought Up To Believe They Can Grow Up To Be The President Of The United States. Brits Are Told, It Won't Happen To You.

Everything You Do Is Autobiographical. Yeah, I Grew Up In A Town Called Redding And I Had Older Brothers And Sisters So It's All My Memories Of Growing Up.

I Like Big Escapist Films. It's Odd Because The Type Of Comedian I Am And The Things I Do When I'm Writing And Directing Myself Usually Deal With The Darker Side Of The Human Psyche And Excruciating Social Faux Pas. I Often Deal In Taboos And The Subjects I Do As A Stand-up Are Quite Challenging. But My Film Roles Have Been Much More Fun And Escapist.

Suggesting I Hate People With Religion Because I Hate Religion Is Like Suggesting I Hate People With Cancer Because I Hate Cancer.

Where There's A Will - There's A Relative!

I See Myself Much More As A Writer/director Or At Least An Aspiring Writer/director - Not Necessarily In Film.

Aspiring Writers

Someone Asked Me What Three Things I Would Save If My House Was On Fire. I Said My Cat, My Salamander And One Of The Twins.

I Have To Be Excited, I Have To Have An Adrenaline Rush About Doing Something, Or It Bores Me, I Feel Trapped.

I've Never Done Anything For The Common Consensus. I Do Things To Please Me. If You Are Happy With Something Yourself, You Become Bulletproof.

I Like Every Part [of The Film Process ] Except The Business And Admin Stuff. The Initial Idea. Writing. Re-writing. Casting. Directing, Editing. If I Had To Chose I'd Say Writing, Followed By Putting Music On The Picture. That Is Magical.

I've Never Worked Out What The Moral Of Humpty Dumpty Is. I Can Only Think Of: Don't Sit On A Wall, If You're An Egg.

I Never Had A Plan. I Just Sort Of Ambled Along, Doing Exactly What I Wanted Every Day Of My Life.

Be Happy. It Really Annoys Negative People.

I'm Quite Squeamish, Really. I'm Philistine And Unsophisticated - Not Because Of My Great Discerning Palate But Other Reasons. Some Are Moral Grounds, Some Texture.

I Think The Best Advice I'd Say To Any Actor When You Do Comedy Is Play It Straight.

Why Buy A Book When You Can Join A Library?

It Breaks Your Heart When You Throw Something Away, But It's What Left That Counts. It's Like Worrying About The Bits Of Rock You Have Knocked Off In Order To Make A Beautiful Statue. You've Wasted Half The Rock, Yeah, But It's The Venus Di Milo!

You Do Your Own Thing And You See If You Survive.

The Existence Of God Is Not Subjective. He Either Exists Or He Doesn’t. It’s Not A Matter Of Opinion. You Can Have Your Own Opinions. But You Can’t Have Your Own Facts.

Everyday Life Is Interesting Enough, Whether It Be In An Office Or Being Ignored On The Set Of Something Supposedly More Glamorous.

The Truth Doesn't Hurt. Whatever It Is, It Doesn't Hurt. It's Better To Know The Truth.

Know Your Limitations And Be Content With Them. Too Much Ambition Results In Promotion To A Job You Can't Do.

Celebrities, Make It Harder For Hackers To Get Nude Pics Of You From Your Computer By Not Putting Nude Pics Of Yourself On The Computer.

If David Brent Is The Best Thing That I Ever Come Up With, Then So Be It. What Are You Supposed To Do, Time The Best Thing You Do For Just Before You Die?

Even If It's Such A Lowly Art As Tv, You've Got To Get Stuff Off Your Chest, Because That's What Makes Something Different And Original, Your Particular Take On Stuff.

Fact Is Stranger Than Fiction. You See People Walking Down The Street That Would Never Be Allowed On Television. You Have To Tone It Down.

Atheism Is The Lack Of Belief In A God (or Gods). It Makes No Claim. It Merely Rejects The Claim That A God (or Gods) Exists. Nothing More.

I Feel That A Lot Of British Comedy Is Often Too Bombastic, Too Obvious, Dressing Up And Shouting And Pulling Funny Faces.

Everyone Is Entitled To Their Opinion, But If You Believe In God, You're Wrong.

I've Always Dabbled. I've Always Nearly Written A Book, I've Always Tried Painting, I've Always Tried To Make Something Out Of Ideas, Really. It Was Never A Plan. I Never Thought, "right. First I'll Get Famous, And Then I'll Do A Book.

Being An Atheist Makes Someone A Clearer Thinking, Fairer Person. They [atheists] Are Not Doing Things To Be Rewarded In Heaven; They're Doing Things Because They're Right, Because They Live By A Moral Code.

Wearing Cosmetics That Were Tested On Animals Makes You Ugly On The Inside

I Don't See Myself As Part Of An Acting Fraternity Or A Comedy Fraternity.

Got A Proper Job At 28. Gave It Up To Try Comedy At 38. Decided To Get Fit And Healthy At 48. It's Never Too Late. But Do It Now

Life Is So Interesting... Just Every Day Life. I Remember Someone Once Saying: "drama Is Real Life With The Boring Bits Taken Out."

Sometimes I'll Be Confident And Go Into A Shop And Say, "hello, Yeah, All Right," And Then The Next Day, If Someone Looks At Me Or Talks To Me, I Just Don't Know What To Do. If You're Walking Down The Street With A Baseball Cap, You Might Be Fine. But If You're In A Pub And You See Someone Look At You, You Think The Worst Thing In The World Now Is If They Come Over. It's A Really Weird Feeling.

I've Got Three Friends That You'd Call Famous, But I'm Sure After 20 Years, Most Of My Friends Will Be Famous Or Work In Television, Because That's The Nature Of What Your Work Is. When I Was Working In An Office, Most Of My Friends Worked In Offices.

The Grass Isn't Always Greener On The Other Side!

Grass Is Greener On The Other Side

That's The Amazing Thing About Life. You Can Just Rub It Out, Like A Blackboard, And Start Again.

There Was A Nobility In Poverty When I Was Growing Up. My Mom Was Poor But She Was Planting Roses And She Was Cleaning The Steps, You Know What I Mean. You Didn't Feel Sorry For Yourself.

When You Are Dead, You Do Not Know You Are Dead. It's Only Painful And Difficult For Others. The Same Applies When You Are Stupid.

I Used To Believe In God. The Christian One, That Is (there Are A Few Thousand To Choose From. But I Was Born In A Country Where The Dominant Religion Was Christianity So I Believed In That One. Isn't It Weird How That Always Happens?). Luckily I Was Also Interested In Science And Nature. And Reason And Logic. And Honesty And Truth. And Equality And Fairness. By The Age Of Eight I Was An Atheist.

I Never Understood Redemption When I Was Young. Even Before I Was An Atheist, I Always Thought With The Prodigal Son, "well, Why's He Getting The Special Treatment?"

You Want To See The People You've Sort Of Come To Know And Love, Or Love To Hate, You Want To See Them Develop In Some Way. And I Hope People Get Sort Of Caught Up In That Arc.

The Next Time Someone Is Critical Of You, Just Take A Moment To Consider Their Life. Then Smile To Yourself.

Funny Bones, To Me, Are More Important Than Funny Lines. If A Comedian Is Just Not Likable And Doing The Lines, You Could Read Them Yourself. Whereas If Someone [you Like] Shambles Out, And They Tell You What A Bad Day They've Had, They Don't Have To Say Anything. I Love Them. I Want To Hug Them Because They've Been Through Something. And It Comes Back To Empathy, Always Empathy.

The Service In L.a. Is The Best. You Don't Get Sarcastic, Surly, Fed-up Waiters And Waitresses Like You Do In England. They're Good At Their Job And They're There For The Customer. The Only Depressing Thing Is A Lot Of Them Have Written More Screenplays Than Me.

Some [people] Are Really Smart. You Know Who You Are. Some [people] Are Really Thick. Unfortunately, You Don't Know Who You Are.

Being Honest Is What Counts. To Make The Ordinary Extraordinary Is So Much Better Than Starting With The Extraordinary.

Ordinary Extraordinary

It's Quite Easy To Make A Load Of People Laugh, It's Often A Reflex Action, But I Think To Make Them Cry Is Harder Without Manipulating Them.

I Think Everyone Has The Ability To Be Loved.

When You Get Back Into The Editing Suite In The Cold Light Of Day, The Written Stuff Is Better.

We Want To See A Struggle. We Want To See People Falling Over But Getting Themselves Back Up On Their Feet, And That's What's Extraordinary- Ordinary People And Their Struggle. There's Nothing As Interesting As Real Life Out Your Window. You Walk Down The Street For Half An Hour, I'll Give You Half An Hour Of Drama.

Try Something. And Never Be Afraid To Fail. That Failure Is Useful Too. It's Just Another Building Block.

You Should Bring Something Into The World That Wasn't In The World Before. It Doesn't Matter What That Is. It Doesn't Matter If It's A Table Or A Film Or Gardening-everyone Should Create. You Should Do Something, Then Sit Back And Say 'i Did That.'

Funny Inspirational

For Any Of You Who Don't Know, The Golden Globes Are Just Like The Oscars, But Without All That Esteem. The Golden Globes Are To The Oscars What Kim Kardashian Is To Kate Middleton. A Bit Louder, A Bit Trashier, A Bit Drunker, And More Easily Bought.

Trust, Encouragement, Reward, Loyalty... Satisfaction. That's What I'm... You Know. Trust People And They'll Be True To You. Treat Them Greatly, And They Will Show Themselves To Be Great.

I've Probably Done The Odd Thing. I've Probably Done More Than I Would Have Done And Some Things You Don't Say No To. You Don't Say No To Working With "the Simpsons"... The Greatest Comedy Show On Television. You Mustn't. Even Though Going To My Bad Judgment, I Remember Saying That All I Can Do Is Make This Show Slightly Worse.

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