Background Image

...

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Everybody Loves Them. But I Thought This Was Interesting On The Box, 'konsult Kardiologist.

-David Letterman

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Everybody

David Letterman

...

Krispy Kreme Doughnuts, Everybody Loves Them. But I Thought This Was Interesting On The Box, 'konsult Kardiologist.

Views: 8

Topic

More From David Letterman

Sarah Palin Was Delivering A Speech And She Said 'refudiate.' It's Not A Word – You Have Refute And Repudiate, And She Combined Them. A Lot Of Times That Will Happen And People Will Confuse Combinations Of Words. I Remember A Couple Years Ago John Mccain Mistakenly Combined The Words Vice President And Palin.

Everyone Has This Sense Of Togetherness Right Now. For Example, One Guy On The Subway Today, He Wanted To Share My Pants.

John Kerry Had Surgery On His Right Shoulder This Week To Repair Some Damage. It Was Pretty Bad, He Had No Feeling. It Was Almost Like He Was A Republican.

A Lot Of Issues Were On The Ballots. In New York City There Was Proposition 14. That Would Put A Ceiling On The Number Of Late-night Talk Shows. And California Passed Proposition 21. That Would Change Guacamole Officially To Guac.

Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

Bring Your Child To Work Day -- That's How We Got George W. Bush.

Bronco Rick Perry Is The First Candidate I've Ever Heard Say He's Not Doing Well Because He's Sleepy. You Know, We Criticized George W. Bush A Lot, But There Was One Thing He Was Very Disciplined About, And That Was Getting His Full Eight Years Of Sleep.

Today Coming To Work, I Saw One Of Those Only In New York Scenes. It Was A Rat Who Had Passed Out After Choking On A Pretzel.

Mitt Romney Has Asked Todd Akin To Step Down. That's Too Bad. Todd Akin Was The Guy To Lead The Republican Party Into The 16th Century.

Here's What We Know About Santa. He Sees You When You're Sleeping. He Knows When You're Awake. He Knows If You've Been Bad Or Good. I Think He's With The Nsa.

What We Know About Osama Bin Laden Is This: He's Worth $300 Million, He Has Five Wives And Twenty-six Kids -- And He Hates Americans For Their "excessive" Lifestyle.

Don't Use Your Bedroom For Work, Unless You're A Prostitute.

I Don't Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Comedian And I Don't Even Mind Being Accused Of Being A Bad Talk-show Host, But I Never Want To Be Accused Of Being An Arrogant, Pompous Showbiz Asshole.

Critics Of The Wall Street Protesters Claim That They Have Old Ideas, Nothing New, And They're Never Going To Work. Wait A Minute., That Sounds Like This Show.

At The Apple Store, The People Waiting In Line For The Iphone 6 Were Trampled By The People Waiting For The Iphone 7.

Waiting In Line

I'll Be Honest With You. It's Beginning To Look Like I'm Not Going To Get 'the Tonight Show.'

Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Now Governor Of California. He Is A Very Shrewd Man - He Already Has All Of His Sex Scandals Behind Him.

We're Learning More About Osama Bin Laden. His Father Was Married 16 Times, And He Has Five Wives. I Think We're Getting To The Root Of His Intense Anger. And They Say Bin Laden Never Spends The Night In The Same Place Twice. No, Wait A Minute, That's Clinton.

Mitt Romney Is Not Going To Run For President. Mitt Said It's Time For Fresh Faces. So That's Good News For Bruce Jenner.

Here's My Problem. On Valentine's Day The Flowers Are Wilting And So Am I.

Former President Bill Clinton Is On The Program Tonight. He Says That While His Wife Runs For President, He Would Like To Stay Out Of The Limelight. Well, He's Certainly Come To The Right Place. He'll Be Fine Here.

Finally We Got Some Good News About The Economy. Barack Obama Got $800 Billion To Rescue The Economy. All I Can Say Is, 'thank You, Oprah.'

Newt Gingrich Had A Horrible Week In The Iowa Caucuses. Only 13 Percent Of His Ex-wives Voted For Him.

The Latest Polls Show That Arnold Schwarzenegger Is Trailing Lieutenant Governor Cruz Bustamante In The Polls. That's Insane. I Mean, Think About It, This Guy Cruz Bustamante Has Never Even Been In A Movie.

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

Well, The Manhunt Continues For That Elusive Evil Mastermind, But I'm Telling You Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Remains At Large.

I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

Rick Perry Has Now Accused Mitt Romney Of Hiring Illegal Aliens To Work On His Hair.

Cia Director George Tenet Has Now Testified Before The 9/11 Commission And He Said We Are Still Making The Same Dumb Mistakes, Like Leaving Memos On The President's Desk.

Monday Is President's Day And Former President Bill Clinton Is Very Excited. He Is Taking George Bush, Sr. To 'hooters'. ... George H.w. Bush And Bill Clinton Have Been Spending More And More Time Together. Doesn't That Seem Like An Unusual Couple To You, Honestly? Earlier Today They Went To Go See That Gay Cowboy Movie.

Dingoes, Jackals, Skunks, Vipers And Weasel Are Now Illegal In New York City. Well Great, Who's Going To Run Cbs?

The Senator Got So Tired On The Campaign Trail That He Started Kissing Hands And Shaking Babies.

Donald Trump Is On The Show Tonight. Donald Is A Big Man, I Think 230 Pounds -- 235 With Cologne.

When I Became A Sigma Chi It Was Great, Because They Were The Pople I Enjoyed Being With And I Was Very Proud Of The Association. It Was Kind Of An Instant Confidence Builder For Me--that What I Considered The Best Fraternity On Campus Had Actually Wanted Me. And I Had Always Been Very Shy And Without A Lot Of Confidence. So It Was A Really Good Social Experience And For Me It Was Also A Social Maturation. It Was A Great Benefit.

John Walker, While He Was In Afghanistan, Told People His Goal Was To Have Four Wives. ... Do We Need Any Further Proof That This Guy Is Out Of His Mind? Four Wives? That's How Al Qaeda Gets You To Become A Suicide Bomber.

Two Creative Spirits In A Relationship, I Don't Think That's The Best Way To Go.

There's A Rumor That President George Bush Had A Nose Job, That He Had Some Kind Of Plastic Surgery, That He Actually Had A Nose Job. If This Is True, That's The First New Job He's Created Since Taking Office.

Obesity Is Now A Problem In The Navy. They've Created A New Rank: Really Big Rear Admiral.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

Happy Birthday To Evil North Korean Dictator Kim Jong Un. He Gathered Family And Friends Together And Celebrated By Executing A Few Close Friends.

Family And Friends

The Fcc Has Delayed The Decision On The Time/warner Comcast Merger. So How Do You Think Those Folks Like Being Put On Hold?

Newt Gingrich Has Criticized 'new York Elites' Who Ride The Subway. One Of Those Subway Elites Threw Up On My Pants This Morning.

Based On What You Know About Him In History Books, What Do You Think Abraham Lincoln Would Be Doing If He Were Alive Today? 1) Writing His Memoirs Of The Civil War. 2) Advising The President. 3) Desperately Clawing At The Inside Of His Coffin.

Now There Are Reports That Osama Bin Laden Would Like To Commit Suicide On Television. This Is The Kind Of Lead-in I Have Been Praying For Every Since I Came To Cbs. Bin Laden Is Planning A Televised Suicide Or, As I Call It, Hosting The Academy Awards.

Hillary Clinton Is Driving Across Iowa In A Van. It's To Get To Know The People She'll Never, Ever See Again In Her Life.

So They Caught Gadhafi In A Storm Sewer And Shot Him. Or As They Call It In The Middle East, An Orderly Transfer Of Power.

Newt Gingrich's Campaign Is Broke. All The Money Gone. So Now He's Charging $50 For A Photo. And For $100 You Can Marry Him.

Happy Birthday To Fay Wray, A Wonderful Actress. She Was, Of Course, In The Movie 'king Kong' And Would Have Been 99-years-old Today. She Was Famous Because Of Her Love Interest With A Giant Ape, And, Wait A Minute, That's Maria Shriver.

Today Was Opening Day For The New Congress In Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden Swore In The New Batch Of White House Fence Jumpers.

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

Weak Coffee Is The Greatest Sin Against Humanity.

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

Sarah Palin, Part-time Governor Of Alaska, Is Angry Because Michele Obama Is Encouraging Kids To Eat Healthy. Sarah Palin Believes The Government Shouldn't Tell Us What To Do. Sarah Palin Believes She Should Tell Us What To Do.

Mayor De Blasio Wants To Eliminate Garbage. He Believes New York City Produces Way Too Much Garbage. Well, Heck, Forget About Producing Too Much Garbage. What About Late-night Talk Shows?

In Just A Few Minutes, My Son Will Have Completed His First Trip Around The Sun.

Well, We're Just A Couple Of Weeks From New President Barack Obama Being Sworn In. And He's Been Very Busy Naming A Lot Of Cabinet Positions. And Today He Announced That He Wants The Surgeon General To Be Tv Dr. Sanjay Gupta. That Was The Kid On 'american Idol,' Wasn't It?

When We Started The Show, There Were Mixed Responses. Half Of The People Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Chance.' The Other Half Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Prayer.'

Mayor De Blasio Said That Whenever He Goes To A Yankee Game He Gets Sick And Tired Of People Booing And Giving Him The Finger. Hey, What Do You Want? You're The Mayor Of New York City. It Comes With The Gig, Pal.

About Half An Hour Before Air Time - That's When I Become Hyper. I Put Everything Else Out Of My Mind And Just Let That Nervous Energy Surge Through My Body. I Start Talking Faster And Louder. My Confidence Comes Up. It's Actually A Great Feeling.

All Comedians Are Preoccupied With One Thing And With One Thing Only-themmm-selllves. It's A Horrible Lot In Life.

I'm Very Resourceful. I'd Be Good In Prison. I'd Be Good In A Shipwreck. I'd Make A Great Hostage.

Yesterday Senator John Kerry Changed His Mind And Now Supports The Ban On Gay Marriages. I'm Telling You This Guy Has More Positions Than Paris Hilton.

This Will Be Michelle Obama's Last Opportunity To Try To Get Me To Eat Kale.

I Went Through One Period When I Smoked A Surprising, A Really Breath-taking, Amount Of Grass Almost Every Night.

They Have Dog Food For Constipated Dogs. If Your Dog Is Constipated, Why Screw Up A Good Thing? Stay Indoors And Let 'em Bloat!

You Know, Sarah Palin Is The Governor Of Alaska, You Know That. And She's A Lifelong Member Of The National Rifle Association. So Great, Is What I'm Thinking, Another Vice President That Shoots A Drinking Buddy; Just Get Ready.

Doritos-flavored Mountain Dew Is Coming. You Drink It, You Get A Combination Of Type 1 And Type 2 Diabetes.

Type 2 Diabetes

Today Is Veterans Day. Thank You To All Our Men And Women Who Have Served The United States Armed Forces. In Honor Of Veterans Day We Are Marching Out A Few Jokes That Have Already Served.

The Post Office Is Raising The Price Of Stamps Again. I Heard That And Said To Myself, 'if Only There Was An Inexpensive Electronic Way Of Communicating.'

Tim Tebow May Be Back In The Nfl With The Philadelphia Eagles. As You Remember, He Was Thrown Out Of The League When He Landed His Gyrocopter On The White House Lawn.

Donald Trump Had A University. Well, The State Attorney General Decided That The Donald Trump University Was An Unlicensed Sham. And I Thought, You Know You're At A Bad University When Your Commencement Speaker Is Whitey Bulger.

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

In Hollywood, Oscar Is King.

Midnight, And The Kitties Are Sleeping.

Once You're President, You Can't Go Anywhere Without Causing Trouble. President Obama Shows Up In China, He's Chewing Gum, They Go Crazy. A Big Stink Because The President's Chewing Gum. And You Think, The Chinese Are So Easygoing About Human Rights. What's The Problem?

Humans Are The Only Animal Who Can Have Sex Over The Phone.

Do I Think There Is A Heaven? Uh, Yeah I Do. Like A Really Big Gymnasium. How Do I See Myself There? With Really Bad Seats.

Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

President Bush Is Going To Establish Elections There In Iraq. He's Going To Rebuild The Infrastructure. He's Going To Create Jobs. He Said If It Works There, He'll Try It Here.

According To A New Survey, People Who Get Divorced Die Early. People Who Stay Married Live Longer. The Difference Is They Just Wish They Were Dead.

Economists Believe There Are Three Reasons Why The Russian Economy Is Doing So Poorly. One, Economic Sanctions Are Working. Number Two, Low-price Oil. And Number Three, Lindsay Lohan Has Quit Drinking Vodka.

Economic Sanctions

Rick Perry Is Now Saying He Thinks That Barack Obama's Birth Certificate Is Fake. I Think Perry May Have Faked His Driver's License.

You Know You've Had Too Much To Eat For Christmas Dinner When You Slump Down Onto A Beanbag And Realize... There Is No Beanbag.

Number One Way Life Would Be Different If Dogs Ran The World: All Motorists Must Drive With Head Out Window.

I Think The Number One Public-relations Blunder Osama Has Made Is That He Lives In A Cave-fortress And If There's One Thing We've Learned From It's That You Can't Trust A Guy Who Lives In A Cave-fortress -- Lex Luther, Captain Nemo, Dr. Evil. I'm Telling You The List Goes On.

My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I Are Going To Continue In Show Business. Next Month Paul And I Will Debut Our New Act At Caesar's Palace With Our White Tigers.

Congratulations Are In Order For Woody Allen - He And Soon Yi Have A Brand New Baby Daughter. It's All Part Of Woody's Plan To Grow His Own Wives.

The Reason I Vote Democrat Is Because I Think It's Better To Pay Billions For Oil To People Who Hate Us, But Not Drill Our Own Because It Might Upset Some Endangered Beetle, Gopher, Or Fish Here In America. We Don't Care About The Beetles, Gophers, Or Fish In Those Other Countries.

Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy And I Had To Give The Kids Nicotine Gum.

As You Watch The Gary Condit Interview, Three Words Come To Mind: Stiff, Unbending And Impenetrable. And That's Just His Hair.

While I Was Gone, I Had Quintuple Bypass Surgery On My Heart. Plus, I Got A Haircut.

I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

Some Good News. Finally, President Bush Is Going To Do Something About Global Warming. He Became Alarmed When Another Chunk Of Ice Fell Off His Mother.

Arnold Is Now The Front Runner. Everyone Was Snickering About It A Month Ago, Now It Looks Like He Will Be The Next Governor Of California. He Is So Confident He Has Already Chosen A Body Oil For The Inauguration.

St. Patrick's Day Is The Fourth Biggest Drinking Day In America. It's Not The Biggest. It's Right Behind New Year's Eve, Fourth Of July, Or Any Secret Service Party.

They Say The Oil Spill Has The Potential To Kill More Wildlife Than A Sarah Palin Hunting Trip.

Rick Perry, Started Out Like A Ball Of Fire From Texas And Then He Started To Drop And Now He's Retooling. He's Adding Advisers To His Campaign Team. This Guy Had Advisers? Really?

I Saw A Robin Redbreast In Central Park Today, But It Turned Out To Be A Sparrow With An Exit Wound.

Stocks Are At An All-time High Today. I Don't Have Any Money In The Stock Market. I Don't Have The Stomach For The Ups And Downs. So About 20 Years Ago I Put All Of My Money And Liquid Assets Into Videotape Rewind Machines.

New York City Subways Are Now Getting High Speed Internet. How About Some High Speed Subway Trains?

I Like Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy Who Comes With The Picture Frame.

Now In Utah If You Get The Death Sentence, They Have The Firing Squad. In Russia, They Call That Early Retirement.

George Clooney Is On The Program Tonight. Next Week At This Time I Will Be In A Hardware Store Watching Them Mix Paint.

Usa Today Has Come Out With A New Survey - Apparently, Three Out Of Every Four People Make Up 75% Of The Population.

Iraq Is So Bad That President Obama Phoned Hillary Clinton And Asked Her If She Could Start Early.

The Big Debate Right Now Is If Saddam Is Alive Or Dead. He's Dead, Then He's Alive, Then Dead, Then Alive. It's Just Confusing. Today They Showed Videotape, And Saddam Was Speaking At His Own Funeral.

Incredible Experience, Watching A Baby Birth On The Internet. It's Now My Screensaver.

Sarah Palin Is Joining Fox News. The New Slogan Is 'hair And Unbalanced.'

Two Things You Need To Know About Taxes. They've Extended The Deadline To April 18, And When You Write Your Check, Just Make It Out To China.

There Are So Many Flavors Of Coke Now - Coke With Lemon, Coke With Vanilla, Coke With Lime, Cherry Coke, And They've Just Brought Out Another New Flavor - Coke With Pepsi.

There Was A Flight From Cleveland To New York City With Just Two People On Board. There Hasn't Been Two People On An Airplane Since The Wright Brothers.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

The Bush Campaign For Re-election Has Officially Begun. They're Actually Running Television Commercials. Have You Seen Any Of The Television Commercials? In One Of The Commercials, You See George Bush For Thirty Seconds. In Another Commercial, You Get To See George Bush For Sixty Seconds - Kind Of Like His Stint In The National Guard.

Television Commercials

I Believe I Have Voted For Both Democrats And Republicans. Am I Either One? Absolutely Not. Ladies And Gentlemen, I Am An American.

That's The First Thing They Teach You In Bowling, By The Way. Don't Press The Ball Against Your Nose. The Other One Is Don't Lick The Pins.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

You Know Who's Also Joining The Wall Street Protesters? Kanye West. That's A Real Good Idea -- A Guy With Diamonds In His Teeth Protesting Greed.

Every Day Is President's Day When You Have An Intern!

There's Some Kind Of A Thing Where When She Was Secretary Of State She Was Using Her Own E-mail Instead Of The State Department, And I Thought Finally, A Clinton Scandal The Entire Family Can Enjoy.

Hillary's Trying To Appear Downhome. Earlier Today She Was Sitting On The Front Porch Of A General Store Whittling A Pantsuit.

Have You Folks Been Following The Controversy With John Kerry And His Service In Vietnam And The Swift Boat Campaign? It All Took Place In Vietnam And Now It Just Won't Go Away. I Was Thinking About This - If John Kerry Had Just Ducked The War Like Everybody Else He Wouldn't Have This Trouble.

By Accident Jeb Bush Announced That He Was Running For President. And Then He Said, 'no, Not Yet. Ok, I Made A Mistake.' And Then Later In The Day, By Accident, He Called Hillary And Congratulated Her.

Instead Of Reading Vows At The Wedding Ceremony, They Read Hacked Sony Emails.

Osama Bin Laden... Lived In One House For, Like, Six Years With Three Wives. And Earlier Today, They Ruled His Death Was A Suicide.

I Vote Democrat Because I Love The Fact That I Can Now Marry Whatever I Want. I've Decided To Marry My German Shepherd.

I Was Christmas Shopping And Ran Into A Guy On The Street. I Noticed His Watch And Said That It Runs Slow. He Said, "so Does The Guy I Stole It From."

You All Know Newt Gingrich. Newt Is Short For Newton. People Say If That's The Case, What Is Mitt Short For? It's Short For 'mittens.'

I Have Talents Aplenty. Unfortunately, Precious Few Of Them Have Any Redeeming Social Value.

New York Is Great Though. If You?re Here And Want A One Of A Kind Souvenir Be Sure To Take Home The Police Sketch Of Your Assailant.

Quiet Down, We Don't Want To Wake The Russians.

For The Love Of God, Folks, Don't Try This At Home.

Ted Kennedy Is Endorsing John Kerry And I'm Wondering, Do You Really Want The Endorsement Of A Guy With A Bloody Mary Mustache?

I Was Once Involved In A Same-sex Marriage. There Was The Same Sex Over And Over And Over.

I Always Liked Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Salesman Who Follows You Around At Brooks Brothers.

Trump Says That If He's Elected, He Won't Let The Presidency Interfere With The Miss Universe Pageant.

This Hillary Clinton Scandal Has To Do With Emails. All I Get Are Emails For Canadian Viagra.

Last Month Mitt Romney Raised $76 Million. He Found It In An Old Sport-coat Pocket.

A Small Handgun Makes Any Tv Remote Control.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

President Bush Says Now He Is Sticking To His Plan For Handing Over Power To The Iraqis On June 30. It's Also Part Of His Plan To Hand Over Power To John Kerry On January 20.

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

The National Association Of Theater Concessionaires Reported That In 1986, 60% Of All Candy Sold In Movie Theaters Was Sold To Roger Ebert.

What A Day. It's 53 And Gloomy - Like President Obama.

President Obama

Here In New York City You Can Now Walk Around Smoking Weed And All They Will Do If They See You Is Write You A Ticket. Unfortunately, The Ticket Will Be To A Jets Game.

They're Saying President Obama Doesn't Have Any Friends. The Problem Is That He Can't Get Congress To Approve One.

President Obama

President Bush Wants To Build A Space Station On The Moon. And From The Moon, He Wants To Launch People To Mars. You Know What This Means. He's Been Drinking Again.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

President Obama And His Wife Are Going To Kenya. Donald Trump Said, 'while You're There, Pick Up Your Birth Certificate.'

John Mccain Said That Sarah Palin Is Still A Force In The Republican Party. Then He Got In His Car And Backed Over His Mailbox.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

President Bush Has Been Silent On Schwarzenegger. Of Course, He Can't Pronounce Schwarzenegger.

Bush Explained His Strategy For Transfer Of Power. It's A Two Part Plan. Part One: Clean Out His Desk. Part Two: Rent A U-haul.

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

Tourists - Have Some Fun With New York's Hard-boiled Cabbies. When You Get To Your Destination, Say To Your Driver, "pay? I Was Hitchhiking."

Have You Seen A Copy Of Tax Tips For Billionaires?

The Cia Special Unit That Was Searching For Osama Bin Laden Has Been Disbanded. So I Guess, Mission Accomplished.

Osama Bin Laden

Iraqi's Minister Of Information Did Not Show Up For His Press Conference Today. However, He Claims He Was There And He Said It Went Very Well.

Delta: We Never Make The Same Mistake Three Times.

Cbs News Finally Received Anthrax In The Mail. As Usual, We're Number Three.

I Don't Like Jokes About Sex Or Bodily Functions Or Drug Use Or The Difference Between New York And L.a. I Never Do Any Of That.

Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now You Can Legally Own Ferrets In New York City. I Want To Tell You Something. If I Want To See Anymore Beady-eyed Little Weasels, I'll Just Keep Riding The Subway.

Mitt Romney Is Quite A Guy. At One Point He And His Wife Bought A Zoo And Fired All The Animals.

I Like That Sarah Palin. She Looks Like The Flight Attendant Who Won't Give You A Second Can Of Pepsi ... She Looks Like The Nurse Who Weighs You And Then Makes You Sit Alone In Your Underwear For 20 Minutes ... She Looks Like A Real Estate Agent Whose Picture You See On The Bus Stop Bench ... She Looks Like The Hygienist Who Makes You Feel Guilty About Not Flossing ... She Looks Like The Relieved Mom In A Tide Commercial.

President Obama, By The Way, Is, I Think, Making His First Presidential European Trip. And While He's There In Europe, He Plans To Fire The Ceo's Of Bmw And Volkswagen.

Bush Met With Former President Jimmy Carter. Jimmy Carter Is 76 Years Old, Or As Democrats Call Him 'their Bright New Star Of The Future.'

The Weather Here Is Gorgeous. It's Mild And Feels Like It's In The Eighties. The Hot Dog Vendors Got Confused Because Of The Weather And Thought It Was Spring, So They Accidentally Changed The Hot Dog Water In Their Carts.

Martha Stewart Is Getting Out Of Prison So Today The Terror Alert Was Raised From Orange To Pesto.

Obama Said They've Had Some Glitches With The Affordable Care Website. I'll Tell You Something. If You Order A Pair Of Pants Online And They Send You The Wrong Color, That's A Glitch. This Is Like A Carnival Cruise, For God's Sake!

The Pope Also Said That While He's In Town He Would Like To Go See 'the Book Of Mormon.'

Do You Remember When You Found Out There Was No Santa Claus? I Was So Upset I Didn't Think I'd Be Able To Do The Show.

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

Apparently, There's Something Hinky About The New Iphones. They're Not Hooked Up Right. ... There's A Problem With The Antenna. They Don't Like To Be Held - Like My Ex-wife.

Presidential Hopeful Jeb Bush Has Released All Of His Emails. I'd Like To Release All Of My Emails. I've Got Nothing But Emails About Low-cost Funerals And Viagra.

I'm Nothing If Not An Optimist.

Are You Excited About The Recall Election? Arnold's Campaign Has A New Slogan: 'win One For The Groper.'

I'm A Wiseass And A Smartass, And I Always Have Been.

Here In New York City, It's Cold. It's So Cold The Republicans Want To Use The Keystone Pipeline To Deliver Soup.

Keystone Pipeline

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

One Of The Dogs In The Competition, A Portuguese Water Dog, Is Related To President Obama's Dog, Bo. But They Only See Each Other At Funerals And Weddings.

But Down In Florida In The Early Voting, There Were Computer Glitches, Confusing Ballots, Long Lines And Chaos. And When President Bush Heard About This, He Said, 'mission Accomplished!'

They're Talking About Putting A Woman On The $20 Bill. And Hillary Said, 'i'm Available.'

Last Night, President Bush Gave A Prime-time Press Conference. It Was Such A Big Deal That Fox Decided To Preempt American Idol. Which Made Sense To Me, You Don't Want Too Many Amateurs On In One Night.

Childhood. I Wish I Had Something To Complain About.

Fall Is My Favorite Season In Los Angeles, Watching The Birds Change Color And Fall From The Trees.

Keep In Mind That Your Individual Vote Doesn't Mean Anything.

There's Not A Man, Woman Or Child On The Face Of The Earth Who Doesn't Enjoy A Tasty Beverage.

I Have Nothing Against The North Koreans But This Kim Jong Un Has Got A Screw Loose. A Member Of His Cabinet, His Security Minister, Nods Off, Falls Sleep. We've All Done It. Kim Jong Un Takes The Guy Out And Has Him Executed, Just For Just Falling Asleep. Oh, And He Was Also Deflating Footballs.

America Is The Only Country Where A Significant Proportion Of The Population Believes That Professional Wrestling Is Real But The Moon Landing Was Faked.

I Worry About Rick Perry. One, He's Too Conservative, Two, His Debating Skills. And Three ... Oh Crap, What Was Three?

Yesterday Was The New York City Marathon. Republicans Won In A Landslide.

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

I Vote Democrat Because I Believe The Government Will Do A Better Job Of Spending The Money I Earn Than I Would.

There's A Turkey Shortage. Are You Aware Of That Fact? There's Also A Gravy Shortage. It's Up To $4 A Gallon. Governor Chris Christie Wants To Build A Gravy Pipeline.

Newt Gingrich Says He Wants To Get Rid Of Social Security. Who Is More Qualified To Give This Country Financial Advice Than A Guy Who Ran Up A Half-million Dollar Bill At Tiffany?

Donald Trump Has A Great Campaign Slogan: 'a Complex World Demands Complex Hair.'

Everyday Is A Compromise.

Congratulations To Chelsea Clinton. Over The Weekend, She Gave Birth To A Baby Girl. The Baby Girl Will Not Confirm Or Deny Whether She's Running In 2056.

Newt Gingrich Wants To Build A Colony On The Moon. Ok, You Say, But Why? Well, He Wants To Be The First American To Get Divorced On The Moon.

Because You Think An Explosion Has Taken Place And You're Looking At The Shards And You Say, 'well, Can We Put This Back Together?' And By God, Maybe You Can Put It Back Together. And Maybe It Won't Be The Same, But Maybe It Will Be Different, And Maybe It Can Even Be Better In A Different Way.

Trending Author

Category