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Stocks Are At An All-time High Today. I Don't Have Any Money In The Stock Market. I Don't Have The Stomach For The Ups And Downs. So About 20 Years Ago I Put All Of My Money And Liquid Assets Into Videotape Rewind Machines.

-David Letterman

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Stocks Are At An

David Letterman

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Stocks Are At An All-time High Today. I Don't Have Any Money In The Stock Market. I Don't Have The Stomach For The Ups And Downs. So About 20 Years Ago I Put All Of My Money And Liquid Assets Into Videotape Rewind Machines.

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More From David Letterman

New York Now Leads The World's Great Cities In The Number Of People Around Whom You Shouldn't Make A Sudden Move.

I Just Heard George W. Bush's New Plan For Airline Security. From Here On Out, Every Plane Will Now Have Its Own Hockey Dad.

If I Can Be Serious Now, And I Have The Feeling I Can.

Interesting Survey In The Current Journal Of Abnormal Psychology: New York City Has A Higher Percentage Of People You Shouldn't Make Any Sudden Moves Around Than Any Other City In The World.

Over The Weekend Mitt Romney Went Body Surfing. He Has Not Body Surfed Since The '90s When He Starred On 'baywatch.'

The New Cia Torture Report Is 6 Million Pages Long. It's Almost As Long As A George Clooney Pre-nup.

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George Clooney Is On The Program Tonight. Next Week At This Time I Will Be In A Hardware Store Watching Them Mix Paint.

Well, The Manhunt Continues For That Elusive Evil Mastermind, But I'm Telling You Enron Ceo Kenneth Lay Remains At Large.

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The Democrats Were Crushed In The Midterm Elections. The Republican Juggernaut Pounded The Democrats, And The Pundits Say They Will Not Really Know What Happened To The Democrats Until They Find The Black Box.

My Retirement Plan Was In Place But Bernie Maidoff With My Money.

Hillary Clinton Could Use One Of These Apple Watches. She Could Hook It Up To Her Secret Email Account. If You Want To Contact Hillary, She's At Hillary@pantsuit.com.

Have You Seen These Republican Presidential Candidates? I Bet Obama Is Sorry Now That He Spent All That Money On The New Birth Certificate.

President Bush Is Going To Establish Elections There In Iraq. He's Going To Rebuild The Infrastructure. He's Going To Create Jobs. He Said If It Works There, He'll Try It Here.

Our Guest Tonight Is Michelle Obama, First Lady Of The United States. She's Here To Announce Her Run For President.

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United Airlines: Passengers Are Our Worst Enemy. We're Not Too Fond Of Luggage Either.

Tomorrow Is Election Day. It's What They Call The Midterm Elections, And You Can Cut The Indifference With A Knife. It's The Day Americans Leave Work Early And Pretend To Vote.

Mitt Romney And His Family Have A Big Two-day Weekend Plan. They're Going To Hike To The Top Of His Money.

President Bush Says He Needs A Month Off To Unwind. Unwind? When The Hell Does This Guy Wind?

Last Night The United States Dropped Four 2,000 Pound Bombs On Saddam Hussein. I Don't Know Anything About Explosives, But, My God, Do Those Things Even Need To Explode?

God Forbid I Should Be The Last One To Criticize, But I Think May Be Howard Dean Has A Bit Of A Problem Because Earlier Today During A Debate In New Hampshire, He Bit Off Joe Lieberman's Ear.

I Don't Like Jokes About Sex Or Bodily Functions Or Drug Use Or The Difference Between New York And L.a. I Never Do Any Of That.

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Hillary's Trying To Appear Downhome. Earlier Today She Was Sitting On The Front Porch Of A General Store Whittling A Pantsuit.

Some Secret Service Guys Crashed A Car Into The White House. And They Had Been Drinking When It Happened. Actually, They Hit A Barrier Trying To Get To The White House. It's The Same Thing That Is Happening To Hillary.

At The White House, They Caught Another Fence Jumper Earlier Today. It Was Obama Trying To Get Out.

Hillary Clinton Is Running For President. This Time Around, She Promises To Be Warm And Approachable. Like Me.

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Kim Jong Il Made His Staff Call Him “dear” And Spent The Day Drinking Cognac. It's Like I Have A Twin, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Every Day We Learn More And More About This Wacky Osama Bin Laden. He Lives In A Cave And At One Time He Was A Womanizer. But Now He Has Settled Down With His Five Wives And 26 Kids, So That's Now All Over. ... He Also Had A Drinking Problem At One Time. I Believe He Went Through 'jihab'

I Think The One Thing I Would Point To As A Primary Reason, Basically, Is That I Was A Gigantic Ass, ... It's The First Time I Got Dumped In My Life.

I Had No Idea This Thing Was Televised. Boy, Is My Face Red.

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It's The First Day Of Spring. That Means This Weekend I'll Take Down My Christmas Lights.

When You Go To The Mind Reader, Do You Get Half Price?

John Boehner - Doesn't He Look Like Every Guy You've Ever Seen At A Hotel Bar? He Looks Like The Kind Of Guy Who Licks His Thumb When He Counts His Money.

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The Mars Polar Lander Has Been Quieter Than George W. Bush After A Foreign Policy Question.

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Are We Sure This Is A Good Time To Take God Out Of The Pledge Of Allegiance?

Rick Perry Has Now Accused Mitt Romney Of Hiring Illegal Aliens To Work On His Hair.

Hookers In Times Square, God Bless 'em, Are Offering A Mitt Romney Special. For An Extra $20 They'll Change Positions.

I'd Do A Podcast About Guys Wearing Shorts When It's Too Cold.

I Vote Democrat Because I Love The Fact That I Can Now Marry Whatever I Want. I've Decided To Marry My German Shepherd.

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My Good Friend Paul Shaffer And I Are Going To Continue In Show Business. Next Month Paul And I Will Debut Our New Act At Caesar's Palace With Our White Tigers.

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According To A New Survey, People Who Get Divorced Die Early. People Who Stay Married Live Longer. The Difference Is They Just Wish They Were Dead.

Father's Day: When You Get That Lethal Combination Of Alcohol And New Power Tools.

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The Ayatollah In Iran Says He Believes That He Got The Letter, But He Thinks He Accidentally Threw It Out With His Crate & Barrel Catalog.

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My Political Position Is That I'm Happy To Be Alive And In North America.

Kim Jong Un Shaved His Eyebrows And Got His Hair Sticking Right Up. How Would You Like The Leader Of Your Country Looking Like Lady Gaga? Even Dennis Rodman Told Him He Looks Weird.

Now All Of Us Can Talk To The Nsa -- Just By Dialing Any Number.

Are You Getting A Big Kick Out Of The Enron Scandal? I Find This Interesting That Whenever A Big Crisis Starts, People Start Showing Up In Church. So, Ken Lay Shows Up In Church This Weekend. Church Officials Are Still Looking For The Collection Plates.

Once You're President, You Can't Go Anywhere Without Causing Trouble. President Obama Shows Up In China, He's Chewing Gum, They Go Crazy. A Big Stink Because The President's Chewing Gum. And You Think, The Chinese Are So Easygoing About Human Rights. What's The Problem?

The Russian Economy Is Tanking. It's Gotten So Bad That Today Vladimir Putin Had To Pawn His Stolen Super Bowl Ring. And Putin Will Finance His Next Invasion On Kickstarter.

Russian Economy

You Know Who's Upset Now With Isis? Al Qaeda. It's Because Isis Is Getting More Attention Than Al Qaeda. So Now, Saturday Night Will Be Ayman Al-zawahiri Bobblehead Night.

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Mitt Romney, Two-time Republican Presidential Hopeful, Boxed Former Heavyweight Champion Of The World Evander Holyfield For Charity. It Was A Horrible Moment When Romney Bit Off Holyfield's Other Ear.

The World's Oldest Woman Passed Away At 116. They Keep Dying. I Think That Title May Be Cursed.

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It's Disappointing When You Finally Get To Meet Someone You Admire And He Conducts Himself As A Jerk.

Mitt Romney Has A Fund-raiser. He's Going To Get In The Ring And Fight Evander Holyfield. This Is The Dumbest Thing Republicans Have Done Since They Wrote That Open Letter To Iran.

You Know What I Love Best About Baseball? The Pine Tar, The Resin, The Grass, The Dirt - And That's Just In The Hot-dogs.

There Just Isn't Enough Televised Chess

Pamela Anderson Is A Great Dancer Considering She Can't See Her Feet.

President Obama Went To India, South Korea, Then Japan. He's Going To Keep Travelling Until He Finds His Birth Certificate.

The Campaign For The White House Is Heating Up With John Kerry Taking Heat For Throwing His Vietnam Medals Away, Getting A $1000 Haircut, And Wearing A 1970s Wig Known As 'the Leno.' There Are Really Two Sides To This Story. And America Can't Wait For Kerry To Present Both Of Them.

Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid Says He Will Not Seek Re-election. Harry Said He Wants To Spend More Time With His Family. As I Always Say, Check With Your Family.

Congratulations To Saddam Hussein On Being Elected To Another Seven-year Term. It Was Very Close. He Received 99 Percent Of The Vote, And One Percent Of The Vote Went For Last-minute Candidate Frank Lautenberg.

Congratulations

Any Online Gamblers Here? Well, Congress Is Looking In Shutting That Down.there's Going To Be A Massive Congressional Investigation Of Online Gambling And They're Going To Shut It Down. And When They Get Done With That, They're Going To Look Into This North Korean Thing.

Economists Believe There Are Three Reasons Why The Russian Economy Is Doing So Poorly. One, Economic Sanctions Are Working. Number Two, Low-price Oil. And Number Three, Lindsay Lohan Has Quit Drinking Vodka.

Economic Sanctions

Insiders Say That Trump Is Running For President As A Publicity Stunt. That's Not The Donald Trump I Know.

It Looks Like President Bush Will Be Handing Over Power To The Iraqis By June 30th. That's Amazing And Not Only That, But It Looks Like He'll Be Handing Over Power To The Democrats By November 2nd.

The Hillary Team Is Driving Around In A Van. Sometimes People Get Those Gag Bumper Stickers Put On Their Van. Hillary Has One On Her Van, And It Says, 'if This Van's Rockin', I'm Deleting Emails.'

It Is Cold Down In Washington, Dc. They Had To Use An Ice Scraper On John Boehner's Face To Get The Tears Off, It Was So Cold.

Earlier Today, We Got A Call From Stephen Hawking. He's A Genius, And After 6,028 Shows He Ran The Numbers And He Said It Works Out To About Eight Minutes Of Laughter.

Kids In Washington Every Year Have The Big Easter Egg Roll On The White House Lawn. The Kids Found 300 Easter Eggs. They Also Found About 10,000 Missing Hillary Emails.

Remember Evil Russian Dictator Vladimir Putin? He Vanished For 10 Days. He Had Disappeared And There Were A Lot Of Rumors. One Rumor Was He Had Disappeared Because He Had Himself Executed.

Yesterday Was Election Day. If We Have Any Democrats In The Audience, I'm Sorry But You're Going To Have To Give Up Your Seats.

You Can Now Buy A Pack Of Beer Containing 99 Cans. A 99-can Pack Of Beer. Who Says America Has Lost Its Competitive Edge?

Here's The Plot Of 'interstellar.' Refugees - They're Known As Democrats - They're Looking For A New Planet.

Political Pundits Are Saying President George W. Bush Has Made Gains In Two Key States: Dazed And Confused.

I Vote Democrat Because I'm Not Concerned About Millions Of Babies Being Aborted So Long As We Keep All Death Row Inmates Alive And Comfy.

The National Association Of Theater Concessionaires Reported That In 1986, 60% Of All Candy Sold In Movie Theaters Was Sold To Roger Ebert.

Sarah Palin Made Her Debut As A Fox News Analyst. They Finally Found A Job That She's Not Under-qualified For.

Security Here In New York City Is Still Very Tight. Hookers In Times Square Now Are Demanding Two Forms Of Fake Id.

Last Halloween I Ran Out Of Candy And I Had To Give The Kids Nicotine Gum.

I Spend Most Of My Free Time Under The House.

Kim Jong Un's Sister Got Married. That Sounds Like Another Seth Rogen Movie, Doesn't It?

Has The Mathematical Abilities Of A Clydesdale.

Why We Are Here: To Tremble At The Terrible Beauty Of The Stars, To Shed A Tear At The Perfection Of Beethoven's Symphonies, And To Crack A Cold One Now And Then.

Former Governor Of Alaska, Sarah Palin, Is Promoting Her New Book And She's Going To Appear On The Oprah Winfrey Show. Sarah And Oprah. On The One Hand, A Very Powerful Woman Qualified To Be President Of The United States, And On The Other Hand, You Have Sarah ... But If You Think About It, Sarah Palin And Oprah Winfrey Have A Lot In Common. They Both Helped Get Obama Elected.

When We Started The Show, There Were Mixed Responses. Half Of The People Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Chance.' The Other Half Said, 'that Show Doesn't Have A Prayer.'

Donald Trump Is Attacking President Obama's Background. And I Said, 'wait A Minute, Trump Also Is From A Mixed Background. He's Half Jack And Half Ass.'

John Kerry Says That Foreign Leaders Want Him To Be President, But That He Can't Name The Foreign Leaders. That's All Right, President Bush Can't Name Them Either.

We Are Starting To Learn More About Osama Bin Laden. For His Birthday One Year, Somebody Gave Him A $4 Timex. We Know That. He Is Married To The Daughter Of A Guy Named Mullah Muhammed Omar. I Think Her Name Is Tiffany Omar. Insiders Say That The Marriage Is Not Working Out. Apparently They Are Living In Separate Caves.

President Bush Announced He Has A Five-point Strategy For Getting Out Of Iraq. Points Six Through 10 Will Be Handled By The Kerry Administration.

I Hate Decaffeinated Coffee. It's Useless Brown Water.

Osama Bin Laden Has Ten Look-alikes To Fool Us Americans. Ten Look-alikes, And He's Married To Five Of Them.

Happy Cinco De Mayo. In Honor Of Cinco De Mayo, Mayor Bill De Blasio Is Filling All New York City Potholes With Guacamole.

Child Labor, Not A Problem. Censorship, Not A Problem. Torture, Not A Problem. Chewing Gum In China - Oh, My God! You Better Not Be Over Here Chewing Gum.

The New 'mad Max' Movie Takes Place In A Post-apocalyptic World. I Have A Small Part In 'mad Max.' I Play The Old Geezer Who Remembers What Steak Tasted Like.

Paul Ryan Announced That After A Lot Of Thought, And Talking It Over With Family And Friends, That He Is Not Going To Run For President In 2016. I'm Telling You, This Announcement Sent Shock Waves Through No One.

Family And Friends

The Cia Special Unit That Was Searching For Osama Bin Laden Has Been Disbanded. So I Guess, Mission Accomplished.

Osama Bin Laden

Moammar Gadhafi Was Found Hiding In A Storm Sewer With A Gold-plated Gun. That's Me In Retirement, Ladies And Gentlemen.

Two Creative Spirits In A Relationship, I Don't Think That's The Best Way To Go.

There's Only One Requirement Of Any Of Us, And That Is To Be Courageous. Because Courage, As You Might Know, Defines All Other Human Behavior. And, I Believe - Because I've Done A Little Of This Myself - Pretending To Be Courageous Is Just As Good As The Real Thing.

Mitt Romney Said He's Not Concerned About The Very Poor. What He Means Is People Making Less Than A Million.

Bad News, It's Going To Be A Huge Environmental Disaster, The Oil Rig Down There In The Gulf Of Mexico. The Good News Is They Think Now That The Oil Spill Will Be Diluted By The Melting Ice Caps.

John Boehner Is A Member Of A Country Club In Ohio. It Turns Out That The Bartender Was Plotting To Poison Boehner. Now Wait A Minute. Isn't That The Movie With Seth Rogen And James Franco?

How Would Trump Travel As President? Obviously, He'd Use Hair Force One.

Today Was Opening Day For The New Congress In Washington. And Vice President Joe Biden Swore In The New Batch Of White House Fence Jumpers.

But Down In Florida In The Early Voting, There Were Computer Glitches, Confusing Ballots, Long Lines And Chaos. And When President Bush Heard About This, He Said, 'mission Accomplished!'

Here's Why Sarah Palin Says She Won't Be Running For President. She Says She Can Be More Effective At Getting Others Elected By Not Running. And I Thought, Well, That's True, Because In 2008 She Got Obama Elected.

President Obama And His Family Are Spending The Holidays In Hawaii, And While They're Gone, They Got A Fence Jumper To House Sit. Tomorrow, He Will Be In Hawaii Playing Golf With Raul Castro And The Pope.

I Heard This Today And I Thought This Was Fascinating And Interesting. President Bush Has Two Daughters, Two Beautiful Daughters, And They May Work On Their Father's Presidential Campaign After They Get Out Of College And I Thought, Well, That's A Pretty Good Move Because In This Economy, They Won't Be Able To Find Real Jobs.

I Heard This Rumor That Al Qaeda Is Merging With Hamas. Yeah, I Got That Tip From Martha Stewart.

Last Night, President Bush Gave A Prime-time Press Conference. It Was Such A Big Deal That Fox Decided To Preempt American Idol. Which Made Sense To Me, You Don't Want Too Many Amateurs On In One Night.

There Are So Many Flavors Of Coke Now - Coke With Lemon, Coke With Vanilla, Coke With Lime, Cherry Coke, And They've Just Brought Out Another New Flavor - Coke With Pepsi.

Instead Of Reading Vows At The Wedding Ceremony, They Read Hacked Sony Emails.

Sarah Palin Is Joining Fox News. The New Slogan Is 'hair And Unbalanced.'

Hillary Clinton Is Now In Iowa. She's Spending Every Waking Minute Of Her Day Meeting Ordinary People, And It's To Prepare Her For A Job In Which She Will Never Again Meet An Ordinary Person.

Compared To Clinton, I Feel Like A Loser. I Can't Even Get The Intern To Make Me Coffee!

Night Clubs Scare Me. They're Dark And They Stink And They're Dangerous And Everybody's Drunk.

The United States Has Launched Airstrikes Against Isis. It's Being Called 'operation Approval Ratings.'

Approval Rating

Prince William And Kate Middleton Are In New York City. We Have Got To Do Something About Immigration.

Monday Is President's Day And Former President Bill Clinton Is Very Excited. He Is Taking George Bush, Sr. To 'hooters'. ... George H.w. Bush And Bill Clinton Have Been Spending More And More Time Together. Doesn't That Seem Like An Unusual Couple To You, Honestly? Earlier Today They Went To Go See That Gay Cowboy Movie.

Do You Remember The Good Ol' Days When Congress Was Only Unsafe If You Were An Intern.

It's Tax Season. When I Woke This Morning And Realized It Was Tax Season, I Said, My God, Didn't We Just Pay Taxes Last Year?

Iraqi's Minister Of Information Did Not Show Up For His Press Conference Today. However, He Claims He Was There And He Said It Went Very Well.

You Probably Heard About The Big Prisoner Swap With Cuba. A Man Who Has Been Incarcerated In Havana For Five Years Is Back Home In The United States. And We Sent Them Some Prisoners. The Deal Still Has To Be Approved By President Obama And Bud Selig.

I Got My Lips Chewed Off By A Dingo!

Did You Hear What The Republicans Have Said About Hillary Clinton? They Say She's Too Angry To Be President. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, Too Angry To Be President. When She Heard This, Hillary Said, 'oh Yeah? I'll Rip Your Throats Out, You Bastards.'

The White House Has Now Put Together A Website For Kids. It's A Website To Teach Kids How To Manage A Budget Responsibly. The Website Is Called ' Irony.gov. '

How About This John Kerry Controversy? So He's Out There In California, Tells Some Kind Of Joke And It Backfires. He's Saying He Botched The Joke. ... This Guy Can Lose Elections He's Not Even In.

Meryl Streep Is On The Program Tonight. I Like To Throw Her A Little Work Whenever I Can.

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I'm So Excited For My Son. On Christmas Morning I Want To See His Face, To Be There When He Opens The Gifts. I Want The See What My Assistants Got Him For Christmas.

It's Interesting What Former Presidents Do When They Leave Office. Bush Is Now Working As A Motivational Speaker. And If You Want To Be Motivated, Who Better To Turn To Than The Guy Who Invaded The Wrong Country And Started A Depression.

Overall Bush's European Trip Has Been An Overwhelming Success. Not Once Has He Gotten Separated From His Group.

Congratulations

Everybody Was Upset That Vladimir Putin Was Missing. He Was In Switzerland With His Girlfriend. She Had A Baby In Switzerland Because In Russia Childbirth Is Not Covered By Putin-care.

Mayor De Blasio Has Legalized Ferrets. Now You Can Legally Own Ferrets In New York City. I Want To Tell You Something. If I Want To See Anymore Beady-eyed Little Weasels, I'll Just Keep Riding The Subway.

Mitt Romney Was A Guest On 'the Tonight Show' On Nbc. It's Interesting — You Have An Empty Suit Trying To Please Everyone, And Then Romney Comes Out.

Donald Trump Announced That He Is Not Running For President. He Would Rather Spend His Time Making Gary Busey Sell Snapple On The Street.

I Know These Jokes Aren't Great, Ladies And Gentlemen, See This Is The Problem You Run Into When You're Between Impeachments.

According To The Rand Mcnally Places-rated Almanac, The Best Place To Live In America Is The City Of Pittsburgh. The City Of New York Came In Twenty-fifth. Here In New York We Really Don't Care Too Much. Because We Know That We Could Beat Up Their City Anytime.

As You Watch The Gary Condit Interview, Three Words Come To Mind: Stiff, Unbending And Impenetrable. And That's Just His Hair.

It Was So Cold In New York City Today That The Statue Of Liberty Had Her Torch Under Her Dress.

I Haven't Reached Nirvana Yet, But I've Been To Detroit.

How About Those Olympics, Ladies And Gentlemen. Didn't London Look Like The Place To Be? New York City Was In The Running For This Olympics. But Here's What Happened. We Got Outbribed.

I Wouldn't Give My Troubles To A Monkey On A Rock.

In The Last 48 Hours King Abdullah From Saudi Arabia Passed Away. I Have A Moral Dilemma. The King Passed Away Three Or Four Days Ago. Is It Too Soon To Hit On Queen Latifah?

The Post Office Is Raising The Price Of Stamps Again. I Heard That And Said To Myself, 'if Only There Was An Inexpensive Electronic Way Of Communicating.'

It Was Announced That President Obama And His Wife, When They're Finished In Washington, Are Moving To New York City. The Guy Just Can't Get Enough Gridlock.

I'm Having Trouble Warming Up To Mitt Romney. He Looks Like The Guy In The Restaurant That Comes To Your Table To Make Sure Everything's All Right.

I Believe I Have Voted For Both Democrats And Republicans. Am I Either One? Absolutely Not. Ladies And Gentlemen, I Am An American.

There's Not A Man, Woman Or Child On The Face Of The Earth Who Doesn't Enjoy A Tasty Beverage.

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They Figured Out A Way To Control That Hamburger Disease. You Dip The Hamburger Into The Scalding Hot Coffee Before Eating.

I Have Found That The Only Thing That Does Bring You Happiness Is Doing Something Good For Somebody Who Is Incapable Of Doing It For Themselves.

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Number One Way Life Would Be Different If Dogs Ran The World: All Motorists Must Drive With Head Out Window.

An Old Interview Of Arnold Schwartzenegger Has Surfaced Where He Admits To Smoking A Lot Of Pot And Having Sex With Hookers. Finally A Republican All Californians Can Get Behind.

I Know You're On The Atkins Diet, But Could You Stop Eating Bacon During Sex?

This Isn't Brain Surgery; It's Just Television.

Over In Afghanistan, Osama Stuck His Head Out Of The Cave And Saw A Shadow. So, That Means Six More Weeks Of Bombing.

I Think You Can Use Some Of Those Words On Tv. But One Thing You Can't Do Is Throw Coffee, I've Said It Over And Over Again!

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