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It Took About Three Minutes For The Unassuming Waffle House To Become The New Offices Of The Law Firm Of Amber, Amber, Amber, And Madison. They Set Up Camp In A Clump Of Booths In The Corner Opposite From Us. A Few Of Them Gave Me An "oh, Good, You Are Still Alive" Nod, But For The Most Part, They Had No Interest In Anyone Else.

-Maureen Johnson

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It Took About Three

Maureen Johnson

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It Took About Three Minutes For The Unassuming Waffle House To Become The New Offices Of The Law Firm Of Amber, Amber, Amber, And Madison. They Set Up Camp In A Clump Of Booths In The Corner Opposite From Us. A Few Of Them Gave Me An "oh, Good, You Are Still Alive" Nod, But For The Most Part, They Had No Interest In Anyone Else.

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Money Is For Doing Things, My Love. Don't Sit On It Like A Hen Sits On An Egg. It Doesn't Hatch. I Should Know. I've Made Enough Of It.

Sometimes I Feel Like I've Been Waiting For Someone To Tell Me When I Can Be Normal Again,' She Said. 'i Keep Thinking I'll Get A Letter. Or A Call. When Does It Happen?' Pete Looked Like He Wanted To Walk Toward Her, But Then He Fell Back Against The Car. The Staring Contest Between Them For Almost A Minute, And Finally Pete Exhaled Loudly. It's Okay,' He Said.

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One Of Them Hung A Pink Bra From Our Lighting Fixture. I Left It There. It Was A Nice Bra

I Decided To Deflect Her Attitude By Giving A Long, Southern Answer. I Come From People Who Know How To Draw Things Out. Annoy A Southerner, And We Will Drain Away The Moments Of Your Life With Our Slow, Detailed Replies Until You Are Nothing But A Husk Of Your Former Self And That Much Closer To Death.

I Remember How, At First, I Had Felt The Tension In His Lips, As If He Was Trying To Make A Barrier Between Us - Then They Had Relaxed, Parted Slightly. And That's When I Had Known He Wanted To Kiss Me, Wanted To Give In. That Little Parting Of The Lips, The Little Sigh That Came Out... I Would Hear That Sigh Forever. That Little, Little Sound When The Whole World Seemed To Open Up.

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Sometimes I Even Felt Like He Dated Me As Part Of His Plan, Like They Were Going To Have A Checklist On The Application, And One Of The Things To Tick Off Was Going To Be, "do You Have A Reasonably Intelligent Girlfriend Who Shares Your Aspirations, And Who Is Fully Prepared To Accept Your Limited Availability?

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When I Worked In Theater, I Was Always Writing Things On Post-it Notes And Sticking Them On Screens Or Desks. Twitter Has Given Me A Way Of Continuing To Post Those Notes, Only A Lot Of Other People See Them, Too.

These Houses Had Been Plunked Down With An Alarming Randomness -- Unevenly Spaced, On Crooked Lines, Like Whoever Had Designed The Place Had Said, "we'll Just Follow This Cat, And Wherever He Sits Down, We'll Build Something.

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Lies Are A Tremendous Karmic Setback. Keep It Up And You'll Come Back In The Next Life As Something Without A Spine. You're Not Fine. And You Don't Have To Be Fine.

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It Took About Three Minutes For The Unassuming Waffle House To Become The New Offices Of The Law Firm Of Amber, Amber, Amber, And Madison. They Set Up Camp In A Clump Of Booths In The Corner Opposite From Us. A Few Of Them Gave Me An "oh, Good, You Are Still Alive" Nod, But For The Most Part, They Had No Interest In Anyone Else.

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Keep Calm And Carry On

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Proximity Doesn't Breed Familiarity.

The Kids I Talk To Are Readers, And The Craziest, The Most Dedicated Readers You Will Ever See.

I Sleep Better Knowing That A Naked Cork-eater Is Not Sneaking Around At Night, Stealing My Underwear.

Sneaking Around

There Is No Normal. I've Never Met A Normal Person. The Concept Is Flawed. It Implies That There Is Only One Way People Are Supposed To Be, And That Can't Possible Be True. Human Experience Is Far Too Varied.

You Can Never Visit The Same Place Twice. Each Time, It's A Different Story. By The Very Act Of Coming Back, You Wipe Out What Came Before.

She Wasn't Only Gay, She Was A Gay Elf.

Because Talent Alone Doesn't Make An Artist

It Could Have Been Like A Fairy Tale. But Fairy Tales Aren't Real. Things Don't Work Like That. There's A Price For Everything.

One Person's Crazy Is Another Person's Sane, I Guess.

Her Kung Fu Is That Powerful.

Do You Ever Sing In The Car?" "generally Not. But I Am Driving A Police Car." "i Think People Would Like A Singing Policeman. Makes Life Seem More Like A Musical. Like Foot-tastic." "you Can Talk For A Long Time About Nothing." "i Certainly Can, You Charming Man!

A Woman Who Shaves Or Otherwise Depilates Her Pubic Curls Has A Profound Interest In Recreational Sex.

No One Hid Their Interest When I Walked Into The Room. I'm Not Sure If It Was The News About Boo Or My General Appearance. At Home, People Would Have Asked. People Would Have Been Crawling All Over Me For Information. At Wexford, They Seemed To Extract What They Wanted To Know By Covert Staring.

I Like To Talk. Talking Is Kind Of My Thing. If Talking Had Been A Sport Option At Wexford, I Would Have Been Captain. But Sports Always Have To Involve Running, Jumping, Or Swinging Your Arms Around. You Don’t Get Pe Points For The Smooth And Rapid Movement Of The Jaw.

Can I Tell You Something You Really Don't Want To Hear? He's Going To Break Up With You. - Stuart

Hey! Jack The Wanker! Over Here! I Want Your Autograph!

I Am A Mass Of Contradictions.

Salt. Wound. Together At Last.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want," He Said. "braiiinnnnssss," We Said In Unison.

A Pause While My Mother Made High-pitched Sisterly Devotions Of Gratitude.

Don't Get Stabbed. It Makes Everything Awkward.

Before I Take You Into The Beating Heart Of The Story, Let’s Get One Thing Out Of The Way. I Know From Experience That When It Comes Up Later, It Will Distract You So Much That You Won’t Be Able To Concentrate On Anything Else I Will Tell You. My Name Is Jubilee Dougal. Take A Moment And Let It Sink In.

Life Is Always Going To Be A Series Of Ouch-making Moments, And The Question Was, Was I Going To Go All Fetal Position, Or Was I Going To Woman Up? I Went Into Fetal Position On The Bed To Think About This. Fetal Position Turned Out To Be Very Comfortable.

It Was As If The News Itself Wanted To Reassure Me. Even Jack The Ripper Himself Had Reappeared As Part Of The Greeting Committee.

Jack The Ripper

It's Always Easier To Say Good-bye When You Know It's Just A Prelude To Hello.

What Are You?" I Asked. "i'm The Ghost Of The Night Before Exams." "and How Long Did It Take You To Come Up With That?" Jazza Asked. "i'm A Busy Man," He Replied.

You Don't Know Me Yet," I Said. "rory Was Telling Me She Lives In A Swamp," Charlotte Said. "that's Right," I Said, Turning Up My Accent A Little. "these Are The Very First Shoes I've Ever Owned. They Sure Do Pinch My Feet." Jerome Gave A Little Snort.

I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

This Kind Of Thing Always Amazed Ginny--people Who Just Walked Away From Institutions. People Who Left School When They Didn't See The Point. Aunt Peg Had Done That. Ginny Knew She Never Would. That Either Made Her Someone Who Worked Hard And Finished Things, Or Someone Who Didn't Have The Guts To Break Away From The Pack. Maybe Both.

Something About This Boat Screamed, "i Am A Very Popular Model In The World's Oil-bearing Regions. I Cost More Than Your Soul!

You've Never Told Me About Your Love Life, Scarlett. You're A Very Pretty Girl. You Must Have A Boy Shacked Up Somewhere For Your Personal Delights. I'd Bet It's A Booky One, Overtones Of Harry Potter And A Lot Of Black T-shirts.

Harry Potter Achieved A Very Special Act Of Actual Magic: It Made It Completely Acceptable For An Adult To Carry Around, Read And Enjoy A Childrens Book.

The Locker At The End Of Her Bed Had No Lock, And One Of The Hinges Was Busted. She Opened It Up. There Was A Thing In It. The Thing Might Have Been A Sandwich At Some Point, Or An Animal, Or A Human Hand...but What It Was Now Was Fuzzy And Putrid. A Minute Later, Ginny Was Down The Stairs, Out The Door, And Gone.

It's Always Awkward When Someone Doesn't Realize You're Joking And Devotes Thought Time To What You've Said. Double That When The Person Is Wearing Tinfoil.

Stuart Must Have Sensed My Despair From The Way I Began Lightly Banging My Forehead On The Table.

I Don't Know If There Is Actually More Rain Here In England, Or If It Was Just That The Rain Seemed To Be So Deliberately Annoying. Every Drop Hit The Window With A Peevish "am I Bothering You? Does This Make You Cold And Wet? Oh, Sorry.

It Was Almost Funny. Life Seemed Downright Accidental In Its Brevity, And Death A Punch Line To A Lousy Joke.

With That, I Splashed Some Water On My Face, Fixed On A Smile, And Stepped Out. I Would Find Jerome. I Would Make Him Explain To Me What I Was Missing. We Would Laugh, Then We Would Kiss With Tongue, And All Would Be Well.

Some Nutter's Gone And Pulled A Jack The Ripper.

Jack The Ripper

Being An Author Means, Almost By Definition, That You Make Up Characters And Then Complicate Their Lives. That's It, Really. You Make Up Characters And Give Them Problem After Problem After Problem.

We're Going To Die," Keith Said, The Moment He Was Gone. "this Man Is A Serial Killer. We're Going To Die, And He's Going To Bury Us In His Garden And Build A Shed On Us.

The English Play Hockey In Any Weather. Thunder, Lightning, Plague Of Locusts... Nothing Can Stop The Hockey. Do Not Fight The Hockey, For The Hockey Will Win.

Just Then, My Phone Started Ringing. The Ring Must Have Been Damaged By The Water As Well, So Now It Had A High, Keening Note - Kind Of The Sound I Imagine A Mermaid Might Make If You Punched Her In The Face.

Sometimes People Graduate But They Don't Leave. They Hang Around For Years, For No Reason. I Would Think Of Ghosts Like That, I Decided.

I Looked At The Stained-glass Image Of The Lamb In The Window Above Me, But That Only Reminded Me That Lambs Are Famous For Being Led To Slaughter, Or Sometimes Hanging Out With Lions In Ill-advised Relationships.

I Read Two Mysteries A Day When I Was A Kid. All Of Agatha Christie, All Of 'sherlock Holmes.' I've Seen Every Single British Detective Show Ever Made.

Which Is Both Gross And Breathtakingly Romantic. He Could Always Have Just Gone Upstairs And Brushed His Teeth, But He Stayed And Lurked By The Fish For Me.

The Funny Thing About Stop Signs Is That They're Also Start Signs.

We Learn That Many Great Thinkers Were Convinced That The Bible Contained The Ancient Mysteries, But Not In The Literal Words—that The Words On The Pages Were Codes, And That The Bible Is Comprised Of Heavy-handed And Useless Story Covering Up Something Much More Important And Interesting. I Get The Feeling That [dan Brown] Is Trying To Tell Me Something, But I Am Not Biting, Reader.

It Was Fine," I Said Stiffly. "we Played Mouse Trap." "is That What They're Calling It These Days?" She Asked, Throwing Me A Terrible Grin. "i Have To Go Give Rachel A Quick Bath. Feel Free To Make Yourself Some Cocoa Or Whatever You Like!" She Stopped Short Of Adding "...future Child-bride Of My Only Son.

Something About Her Suggested That Her Leisure Activities Included Wrestling Large Woodland Animals And Banging Bricks Together.

Leisure Activities

She Didn't Even Notice Right Away That A Small Animal Had Come Out From Behind A Nearby Car And Was Slowly Making Its Way Toward The Trash Can She Was Standing Near. She Flipped Through Some Old Files In Her Mind, Trying To Come Up With What This Thing Might Be, And After A Few Seconds Decided That--impossible As It Seemed--it Was A Fox.

Nothing Was Quite Like It Was Supposed To Be.

It Rang And It Rand And It Rang. I Looked At The Screen One Last Time, Then At Stuart, And Then I Reached My Arm Back And Threw The Phone As Hard As I Could (sadly, Not That Far), And It Vanished Into The Snow. The Eight-year-olds, Who Were Truly Fascinated With Our Every Move At This Point, Chased After It. 'lost It,' I Said. 'whoops.

This Is England," He Explained. "tell Someone It's A Procedure, And They'll Believe You. The Pointless Procedure Is One Of Our Great Natural Resources.

Guilt Isn't Always A Rational Thing, Clio Realized. Guilt Is A Weight That Will Crush You Whether You Deserve It Or Not.

Boo: "go Talk To Her." Callum: "about What?" Boo: "anything." Callum: "you Want Me To Walk Up To Her And Say, 'are You A Ghost?'" Boo: "i Do That." Callum: "i Love It When You Get It Wrong.

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