Background Image

...

I Could Envision It All To Clearly: Stuart Or Debbie Finding The Dented Door Off Its Hinges, Lying In The Snow. "she Came In, Ravaged The Boy, Stole Plastic Bags, And Ripped Off The Door In Her Escape," The Police Would Say In The Apb. "probably Making Her Way To Bust Her Parents Out Of Jail.

-Maureen Johnson

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Could Envision It

Maureen Johnson

...

I Could Envision It All To Clearly: Stuart Or Debbie Finding The Dented Door Off Its Hinges, Lying In The Snow. "she Came In, Ravaged The Boy, Stole Plastic Bags, And Ripped Off The Door In Her Escape," The Police Would Say In The Apb. "probably Making Her Way To Bust Her Parents Out Of Jail.

Views: 3

Topic

More From Maureen Johnson

Do You Ever Sing In The Car?" "generally Not. But I Am Driving A Police Car." "i Think People Would Like A Singing Policeman. Makes Life Seem More Like A Musical. Like Foot-tastic." "you Can Talk For A Long Time About Nothing." "i Certainly Can, You Charming Man!

Because Talent Alone Doesn't Make An Artist

You'd Been Petting A Stuffed Dog?' She Said 'a Dead One?' 'it Was A Really Well Stuffed Dog' I Clarified. 'i Have Seen Some Bad Taxidermy. This Was Top-notch Work. It Would Have Fooled Anyone.

The Locker At The End Of Her Bed Had No Lock, And One Of The Hinges Was Busted. She Opened It Up. There Was A Thing In It. The Thing Might Have Been A Sandwich At Some Point, Or An Animal, Or A Human Hand...but What It Was Now Was Fuzzy And Putrid. A Minute Later, Ginny Was Down The Stairs, Out The Door, And Gone.

It Rang And It Rand And It Rang. I Looked At The Screen One Last Time, Then At Stuart, And Then I Reached My Arm Back And Threw The Phone As Hard As I Could (sadly, Not That Far), And It Vanished Into The Snow. The Eight-year-olds, Who Were Truly Fascinated With Our Every Move At This Point, Chased After It. 'lost It,' I Said. 'whoops.

I Miss You So Much It's Giving Me A Pain In My Pancreas.

You Can Never Visit The Same Place Twice. Each Time, It's A Different Story. By The Very Act Of Coming Back, You Wipe Out What Came Before.

When They Separated, The Freckleless Spot Between Pete's Eyes Was Bright Red. Before Anything Else Could Be Said Or Done, May Grabbed Her Bike And Hopped On. She Waited Until She Was Six Houses Down To Turn And See If He Was Still Standing In The Driveway Watching Her. He Was. She Stopped For Just A Moment, And They Caught Each Other's Eyes. Then He Slowly Started Walking Backward Toward The House. May Couldn't See That Well, Considering That Her Eyes Were Still A Little Blurry And He Was Far Away, But It Looked Like He Was Smiling.

Proximity Doesn't Breed Familiarity.

I Have No Phobias. Phobias Are Irrational. My Fears Are Rational And Carefully Cultivated, Like Roses.

New Start Or Not, There Was A Line To Be Drawn, And That Line Was Singing Musicals To Yourself As Serious Psychological Motivation.

Kissing Is Something That Makes Up For A Lot Of Other Crap You Have To Put Up With...it Can Be Confusing And Weird And Awkward, But Sometimes It Just Makes You Melt And Forget Everything That Is Going On.

Forget Everything

I Sleep Better Knowing That A Naked Cork-eater Is Not Sneaking Around At Night, Stealing My Underwear.

Sneaking Around

What Tinfoil?" He Asked.

No One In History Had Ever Done Less And Yet Been So Wrong.

It's Us," Stephen Said. "oh, Thank God," Said A Voice. Callum Emerged From Behind The Dumpster. Even With All That Was Going On, It Was Hard Not To Take Notice Of This: He Wore Only His Underpants And His Socks And Shoes. ...i Don't Think I Hid My Staring Very Well Either. "go Ahead And Change," Stephen Said, Handing Me The Bag. "i'll Go And Get The Car." "please Be Quick," Callum Added. "this Is Not As Fun As It Appears.

Stuart, Who Had Just Witnessed Me Go Through An Entire Rainbow Of Emotions And Experiences. There Was Parents-have-just-been-jailed Me, Stuck-in-a-strange-town Me, Insane-and-can't-shut-up Me, Kind-of-snarky-to-the-strange-guy-trying-to-be-helpful Me, Breakup Me, And The Extremely Popular Jump-on-top-of-you-unexpectedly Me.

Sometimes Artist Like To Catch Themselves Looking Out, Let The World See Them For Once. It's A Signature. This One Is A Very Bold One. But This Is Also A Witnessing. We Want To Remember, And We Want To Be Remembered. That's Why We Paint.

She Was Standing In The Airport Of Copenhagen, Staring At A Doorway, Trying To Figure Out If It Was (a) A Bathroom And (b) What Kind Of Bathroom It Was. The Door Merely Said H. Was She An H? Was H "hers"? It Could Just As Easily Be "his". Or "helicopter Room: Not A Bathroom At All

She Had Always Thought Applying To College Would Be Exciting. Living Away From Home, Meeting So Many New People, Learning New Things, Making A Few Poor Life Desicisons.

You Don't Know Me Yet," I Said. "rory Was Telling Me She Lives In A Swamp," Charlotte Said. "that's Right," I Said, Turning Up My Accent A Little. "these Are The Very First Shoes I've Ever Owned. They Sure Do Pinch My Feet." Jerome Gave A Little Snort.

She Didn't Even Notice Right Away That A Small Animal Had Come Out From Behind A Nearby Car And Was Slowly Making Its Way Toward The Trash Can She Was Standing Near. She Flipped Through Some Old Files In Her Mind, Trying To Come Up With What This Thing Might Be, And After A Few Seconds Decided That--impossible As It Seemed--it Was A Fox.

I Am A Mass Of Contradictions.

Hot Tea," He Said, Holding The Cups. "it's Just Wrong.

With That, I Splashed Some Water On My Face, Fixed On A Smile, And Stepped Out. I Would Find Jerome. I Would Make Him Explain To Me What I Was Missing. We Would Laugh, Then We Would Kiss With Tongue, And All Would Be Well.

I Like You Because You Were Mad. And You're Pretty. And Pretty Sane For A Mad Person.

My Final Word: Don't Follow Your Dreams . . . Chase Them. With A Stick, Or A Shovel, Or Whatever You Have Handy. Get That [bleep]ing Dream!

Sometimes I Even Felt Like He Dated Me As Part Of His Plan, Like They Were Going To Have A Checklist On The Application, And One Of The Things To Tick Off Was Going To Be, "do You Have A Reasonably Intelligent Girlfriend Who Shares Your Aspirations, And Who Is Fully Prepared To Accept Your Limited Availability?

My Rule Is: The Second You Find Yourself Doing Something You Hate, Quit Doing It.

Finding Yourself

Top Trumps Appeared To Be A Game In Which You Got Cards, And The Cards Had A Picture (in This Case, Of A Horse), And Told You All Kinds Of Stats For That Horse, How Fast It Was, How Big It Was, Etc. Whoever Had The Better Horse Won Both The Cards. You Repeated This Until Someone Had All The Cards. So, Basically It Was Exactly Like High School, Except It Only Took Three Minutes. Which Was Really A Bit More Humane, If You Thought About It.

Don't Get Stabbed. It Makes Everything Awkward.

They Weren't Pressed Together As Closely As Normal, But His Shoulder Bumped Hers, Then Remained There. It Was Very Subtle, And Possibly Even Accidental, But It Was Enough.

Hey! Jack The Wanker! Over Here! I Want Your Autograph!

Did I Just Kill Someone?" "you Can't Kill A Dead Person," Callum Said. "makes No Sense.

Guilt Isn't Always A Rational Thing, Clio Realized. Guilt Is A Weight That Will Crush You Whether You Deserve It Or Not.

I Still Have A Whopping Bad Case Of What You Call Scag Magnetism. I Thought I Had Gotten Rid Of It There, But It Looks Like Scary Guys Still Materialize From Thin Air In My Presence. They Are Drawn To Me. I Am The North Pole, And They Are The Explorers Of Love.

Claim Whatever You Want. Say You Only Want A Happy Family Or A Successful Career Or A Big House. I Say: No, That's Not What You Want. You'll Settle For Those Things, But You Really Want A Monkey That Does Your Evil Bidding. Pullman Is A Genius Just For This.

What Are You?" I Asked. "i'm The Ghost Of The Night Before Exams." "and How Long Did It Take You To Come Up With That?" Jazza Asked. "i'm A Busy Man," He Replied.

It Was Fine," I Said Stiffly. "we Played Mouse Trap." "is That What They're Calling It These Days?" She Asked, Throwing Me A Terrible Grin. "i Have To Go Give Rachel A Quick Bath. Feel Free To Make Yourself Some Cocoa Or Whatever You Like!" She Stopped Short Of Adding "...future Child-bride Of My Only Son.

I Realize Jubilee Is A Bit Of A Stripper Name. You Probably Think I Have Heard The Call Of The Pole.

We Heard Her Come Halfway Up The Stairs, Where She Must Have Seen The Bedroom Light On. Again, The Normal Parent Reaction Would Have Been To Say Something Like, "you Had Better Come Out This Moment Or I Am Releasing The Tiger!" But Debbie Was Not A Normal Parent, So We Heard Her Gigle And Creep Away, Saying, "shhh! Rachel! Come With Mommy! Stuart Is Busy!

I Feel Warm And Reassured," I Whispered. "he's Like Santa.

Oh My God!" Said One Of The Ambers. "is This Not The Worst Trip Ever? Did You See The Snow?" She Was A Sharp One, This Amber. What Would She Notice Next? The Train? The Moon? The Hilarious Vagaries Of Human Existence? Her Own Head?

I'm Done. I'm Going To Go To Bed And Read Important Books About Theater." "it Would Would Be Easier If You Just Said Porn," Scarlett Said. "no Idea What You're Talking About. But Knock First If You Need Me.

But We Made Our Own Fun, Mostly. I Recall A Time, Many Years Later, When American Children Seemed Unable To Amuse Themselves Without A Fortune In Electrical And Electronic Equipment. We Had No Fancy Equipment And Did Not Miss It.

Before I Take You Into The Beating Heart Of The Story, Let’s Get One Thing Out Of The Way. I Know From Experience That When It Comes Up Later, It Will Distract You So Much That You Won’t Be Able To Concentrate On Anything Else I Will Tell You. My Name Is Jubilee Dougal. Take A Moment And Let It Sink In.

It Could Have Been Like A Fairy Tale. But Fairy Tales Aren't Real. Things Don't Work Like That. There's A Price For Everything.

Keep Calm And Carry On. Also, Stay In And Hide Because The Ripper Is Coming.

Keep Calm And Carry On

Fear Can't Hurt You," She Said. "when It Washes Over You, Give It No Power. It's A Snake With No Venom. Remember That. That Knowledge Can Save You.

Irony Is The Word I Forget The Meaning Of Immediately After I Look It Up, But I Kind Of Feel Like I Live In A Constant State Of It.

When I Worked In Theater, I Was Always Writing Things On Post-it Notes And Sticking Them On Screens Or Desks. Twitter Has Given Me A Way Of Continuing To Post Those Notes, Only A Lot Of Other People See Them, Too.

No One Hid Their Interest When I Walked Into The Room. I'm Not Sure If It Was The News About Boo Or My General Appearance. At Home, People Would Have Asked. People Would Have Been Crawling All Over Me For Information. At Wexford, They Seemed To Extract What They Wanted To Know By Covert Staring.

Were You Playing With Stuart?" She Asked. The Question Was Loaded. I Was A Filthy, Filthy Woman, And Even The Five-year-old Knew It.

It's Always Awkward When Someone Doesn't Realize You're Joking And Devotes Thought Time To What You've Said. Double That When The Person Is Wearing Tinfoil.

Sometimes People Graduate But They Don't Leave. They Hang Around For Years, For No Reason. I Would Think Of Ghosts Like That, I Decided.

Sometimes It Is Worth Any Amount Of Suffering Just To Prevent Giving Your Parents The Opportunity To Be Right.

It Makes You Very Cool," He Said, Taking Big, Jumping Steps To Get In Front Of Me. "cnn Would Interview You, For Sure. Daughter Of Flobie! But Don't Worry. I'll Keep Them Back!

It Took About Three Minutes For The Unassuming Waffle House To Become The New Offices Of The Law Firm Of Amber, Amber, Amber, And Madison. They Set Up Camp In A Clump Of Booths In The Corner Opposite From Us. A Few Of Them Gave Me An "oh, Good, You Are Still Alive" Nod, But For The Most Part, They Had No Interest In Anyone Else.

You've Never Told Me About Your Love Life, Scarlett. You're A Very Pretty Girl. You Must Have A Boy Shacked Up Somewhere For Your Personal Delights. I'd Bet It's A Booky One, Overtones Of Harry Potter And A Lot Of Black T-shirts.

I Followed Your Footsteps," He Said, In Answer To The Unspoken Question. "snow Makes It Easy." I Had Been Tracked, Like A Bear. "sorry To Make You Go To All That Trouble," I Said. "i Didn't Have To Go That Far, Really. You're About Three Streets Over. You Just Kept Going In Loops." A Really Inept Bear.

Sometimes I Feel Like I've Been Waiting For Someone To Tell Me When I Can Be Normal Again,' She Said. 'i Keep Thinking I'll Get A Letter. Or A Call. When Does It Happen?' Pete Looked Like He Wanted To Walk Toward Her, But Then He Fell Back Against The Car. The Staring Contest Between Them For Almost A Minute, And Finally Pete Exhaled Loudly. It's Okay,' He Said.

She's Gone. Been Gone For Ages. They Split Up Right After You Left. That's Why The Grass Out Front Started Growing Again." "he's Got A New Girlfriend?" She Said Quietly. "thank God. You Must Be Happy." "yeah. He Does. It's A Relief. She's A Lot Nicer. But Then, Your Average Angry Snake Is Nicer Than Fiona. I'm Sure She's Happier Wherever She Is Now, Burning Orphans Or Whatever She Does With Her Time.

We All Know What We're Doing. Whether We Realize It Or Not.

I'm Keith," He Said, "and You're . . . Clearly Mad, But What's Your Name?

These Houses Had Been Plunked Down With An Alarming Randomness -- Unevenly Spaced, On Crooked Lines, Like Whoever Had Designed The Place Had Said, "we'll Just Follow This Cat, And Wherever He Sits Down, We'll Build Something.

I Looked At The Stained-glass Image Of The Lamb In The Window Above Me, But That Only Reminded Me That Lambs Are Famous For Being Led To Slaughter, Or Sometimes Hanging Out With Lions In Ill-advised Relationships.

Ah," He Said. "i Had An . . . Artistic Disagreement With The Director Of The Panto. As It Happens, I Take Issue With The Objectification Of Women In Cinderella, And The Reliance On Shoes As A Means Of Identification. Surely You Understand.

She Looks Like A Jumper To Me. Jumpers Do That A Lot, Stand On The Edge And Stare Out. Never Kill Yourself In A Tube Station. Tip Number One. You Might End Up Down Here Forever, Staring At The Wall." Stephen Coughed A Little. "just Giving Advice," Callum Said.

English Rain Feels Obligatory, Like Paperwork. It Dampens Already Damn Days And Slicks The Stones.

I Guess Life Is Full Of Maybes.

Quarrels Are A Natural Part Of Relationships. Making Up Is Always The Best Part.

I Knew It Was Beautiful, But Knowing Something Is Beautiful And Caring About It Are Two Very Different Things, And I Didn't Care.

Salt. Wound. Together At Last.

You Could Wear The Same Outfit Every Single Day And No Guy - Who Isn't Gay - Will Notice.

A Woman Who Shaves Or Otherwise Depilates Her Pubic Curls Has A Profound Interest In Recreational Sex.

The Kids I Talk To Are Readers, And The Craziest, The Most Dedicated Readers You Will Ever See.

I Dumped Out The Bag And Found What Had Been Inside Was A Bunched-up Police Uniform, Complete With The Vest. "where Did You Get This?" Boo Asked. "it's Callum's," He Said. "what's He Wearing?" "at The Moment, Not Much Of Anything. Put It On." I Noticed Book Perk Up A Bit At This Piece Of Information.

I Ran Like A Thing That Runs.

I May Have Been A Complete Lunatic, But I Was A Complete Lunatic With Manners.

Harry Potter Achieved A Very Special Act Of Actual Magic: It Made It Completely Acceptable For An Adult To Carry Around, Read And Enjoy A Childrens Book.

Braiiinnnnssss," We Said In Unison. "it's Both Sad And Incredibly Impressive That You Were All Ready With That One.

You're...a Demon Hunter?' 'it's Not As Exciting As It Sounds,' He Said. 'there Is A Surprising Amount Of Paperwork Involved.

There Is Nothing About A Bad Situation That Fourteen Hyper Cheerleaders Can't Worsen.

It Was Clearly One Of Those Mornings When I Was Particularly American.

Can I Tell You Something You Really Don't Want To Hear? He's Going To Break Up With You. - Stuart

Dr. Everest, Got Up And Gave Us A Little Pep Talk. Mostly It Boiled Down To The Fact That It Was Autumn, And Everyone Was Back, And While That Was A Great Thing, People Better Not Get Cocky Or Misbehave Or He'd Personally Kill Us All. He Didn't Actually Say Those Words, But That Was The Subtext.

We're Going To Die," Keith Said, The Moment He Was Gone. "this Man Is A Serial Killer. We're Going To Die, And He's Going To Bury Us In His Garden And Build A Shed On Us.

I'm The Last Of The Mad Ones.

Just Then, My Phone Started Ringing. The Ring Must Have Been Damaged By The Water As Well, So Now It Had A High, Keening Note - Kind Of The Sound I Imagine A Mermaid Might Make If You Punched Her In The Face.

I've Heard People On Panels Say, 'you Must Have A Web Site. You Need To Tweet. Repeat The Title Of Your Book Constantly,' And I Just Want To Say, 'shut Up. Everything You're Saying Is Wrong.' People Will Know Instantly If Your Only Motivation For Tweeting Is To Sell Books.

Walk Really, Really Carefully. It's Not Complicated, But If You Mess Up, You'll Die, So Pay Attention.

It Was Almost Funny. Life Seemed Downright Accidental In Its Brevity, And Death A Punch Line To A Lousy Joke.

It Was As If The News Itself Wanted To Reassure Me. Even Jack The Ripper Himself Had Reappeared As Part Of The Greeting Committee.

Jack The Ripper

Some Nutter's Gone And Pulled A Jack The Ripper.

Jack The Ripper

Once Again, Her Parents' Problems Had Run Through Her Life Like A Piece Of Heavy Equipment, Smashing Everything In Their Way.

Debbie Had To Get Up And Slice Me A Thick Piece Of Cake Before She Could Answer. And I Do Mean Thick. Harry Potter Volume Seven Thick. I Could Have Knocked Out A Burglar With This Piece Of Cake. Once I Tasted It, Though, It Seemed Just The Right Size.

This Kind Of Thing Always Amazed Ginny--people Who Just Walked Away From Institutions. People Who Left School When They Didn't See The Point. Aunt Peg Had Done That. Ginny Knew She Never Would. That Either Made Her Someone Who Worked Hard And Finished Things, Or Someone Who Didn't Have The Guts To Break Away From The Pack. Maybe Both.

Writing Is One Of The Few Careers For Which You Essentially Train Yourself, The Other Two Major Ones Being Juggling And Pickpocketing.

Worth It And Perfect Are Different Things. No One’s Perfect, Yet In Romance, Everyone Becomes Worth It. And That’s The Trick.

Life Is Always Going To Be A Series Of Ouch-making Moments, And The Question Was, Was I Going To Go All Fetal Position, Or Was I Going To Woman Up? I Went Into Fetal Position On The Bed To Think About This. Fetal Position Turned Out To Be Very Comfortable.

Well, What Now? You Have No Job. I Have No Job. Wanna Play Jenga?

We Deveauxs Preferred To Talk You To Death, Rather Than Face You In Physical Combat.

We Study There A Lot Because... What Other Choice Does Society Give Us, Right? It's Starbucks Or Death, Sometimes.

The Funny Thing About Stop Signs Is That They're Also Start Signs.

A Pause While My Mother Made High-pitched Sisterly Devotions Of Gratitude.

I Remember How, At First, I Had Felt The Tension In His Lips, As If He Was Trying To Make A Barrier Between Us - Then They Had Relaxed, Parted Slightly. And That's When I Had Known He Wanted To Kiss Me, Wanted To Give In. That Little Parting Of The Lips, The Little Sigh That Came Out... I Would Hear That Sigh Forever. That Little, Little Sound When The Whole World Seemed To Open Up.

Tired, But Not The Kind Of Tired That Sleep Fixes.

And What Else Is She?" Jerome Asked. Jazza Didn't Offer Any Reply So I Chimed In With, "a Bitchweasel?" "a Bitchweasel!" Jazza's Face Lit Up. "she's A Bitchweasel! I Love My New Roommate.

Welsh Is An Actual, Currently Used Language And Our Next-door Neighbors Angela And Gaenor Spoke It. It Sounds Like Wizard.

People Were Freaked Out, But They Showed It In Weird Ways. Back Home, People Would Have Been Weeping And Doing A Lot Of Very Public Group Hugs. At Wexford People Just Aggressively Pretended Nothing Had Happened.

The Whole "weak In The Knees" Thing,which She Always Thought Was Just Some Idiotic Expression Back From The Golden Age Of Idiotic Expressions,was Real. -suite Scarlett

This Pool Is A Triumph Of Imagination. That's How You Win At Life, Gin. You Have To Imagine Your Way Through. Never Say Something Can't Be Done. There's Always A Solution, Even If It's Weird.

Did You Hear?" He Asked. "they Found Another Body Around Nine This Morning. It's The Ripper, Definitely." "good Morning," I Replied. "morning. Listen To This. The Second Victim.

I Envisioned Huge Piles Of The Elf Hotel Flying Off The Belt, Taking Down Everybody In Sight. I Had Seen Pictures Of That Elf Hotel - It Had Sharp Candy-cane Spires That Could Easily Impale Someone. If Anyone Was Ever Going To Be Killed By An Elf Hotel, It Would Be My Parents.

Even Though She Had Been Warned, She Tripped Over The Bike. She Probably Tripped Because She'd Been Warned And Was Telling Herself Not To Trip Over The Bike. She Did That Sometimes. It Was Often Easier Not To Know What Obstacles Were In The Way.

Being An Author Means, Almost By Definition, That You Make Up Characters And Then Complicate Their Lives. That's It, Really. You Make Up Characters And Give Them Problem After Problem After Problem.

One Question," I Said. "did You Tell Me All That Because You Think I'm Going To Die?" "no," He Said. "it's Because You're Doing Something Brave, And I Felt I Should Too." "i'll Take That As A Yes," I Said.

People Always Say They Can't Do Things, That They're Impossible. They Just Haven't Been Creative Enough.

Lecturing Brooks Was As Useful As Lecturing A Cat.

No Sausage?" He Asked. Apparently My Pork Consumption Habits Were A Matter Of Public Record.

It Was Like The Entire World Was Colluding To Make Me Feel Insane, And It Was Doing A Really Good Job.

I Like To Talk. Talking Is Kind Of My Thing. If Talking Had Been A Sport Option At Wexford, I Would Have Been Captain. But Sports Always Have To Involve Running, Jumping, Or Swinging Your Arms Around. You Don’t Get Pe Points For The Smooth And Rapid Movement Of The Jaw.

Having Your Back Scratched Is Not The Only Reason To Be Married, But It Is A Good One, Especially For Those Spots That Are So Hard To Reach By Yourself.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want," He Said. "braiiinnnnssss," We Said In Unison.

The Truth Was That She Had Managed To Betray Everyone By Doing Nothing. No One In History Had Ever Done Less And Yet Been So Wrong. Not Cheating On A Non-boyfriend With The Non-boyfriend Of A Friend. The Pressure Of Thinking That One Through Made Her Swollen Body Ache.

Prefects. I Had Learned This One. Student Council Types, But With Superpowers. They Who Must Be Obeyed.

Student Council

She Wasn't Only Gay, She Was A Gay Elf.

The English Play Hockey In Any Weather. Thunder, Lightning, Plague Of Locusts... Nothing Can Stop The Hockey. Do Not Fight The Hockey, For The Hockey Will Win.

Which Is Both Gross And Breathtakingly Romantic. He Could Always Have Just Gone Upstairs And Brushed His Teeth, But He Stayed And Lurked By The Fish For Me.

I Had One Class In The Morning, The Mysteriously Named "further Maths". It Was Two Hours Long And So Deeply Frightening That I Think I Went Into A Trance.

I Read Two Mysteries A Day When I Was A Kid. All Of Agatha Christie, All Of 'sherlock Holmes.' I've Seen Every Single British Detective Show Ever Made.

One Person's Crazy Is Another Person's Sane, I Guess.

Something About This Boat Screamed, "i Am A Very Popular Model In The World's Oil-bearing Regions. I Cost More Than Your Soul!

Also, When On A Campaign To Convince A Stranger That You Aren't A Few Fries Short Of A Happy Meal, Throwing Around Phrases Like "tangentially Swedish" Is Not The Best Way To Go.

I Could Pretend, At Least, And If I Pretended Long Enough, Maybe I Could Make It Into A Reality.

I Get A Little Romantic About The Old Empire State. Just Looking At It Makes Me Want To Play Some Frank Sinatra Tunes And Sway A Little. I Have A Crush On A Building. I'd Been In There Several Times But Never To Work. I Always Knew There Were Offices In There But The Face Never Penetrated, Really. You Don't Work In The Empire State Building. You Propose In The Empire State Building. You Sneak A Flask Up There And Raise A Toast To The Whole City Of New York.

Her Kung Fu Is That Powerful.

She Introduced Herself To My Parents With One Of Her Mighty, Bunny-crushing Handshakes. (i'd Never Seen Claudia Crush A Bunny, To Be Fair, But That's The Approximate Level Of Pressure.)

Lies Are A Tremendous Karmic Setback. Keep It Up And You'll Come Back In The Next Life As Something Without A Spine. You're Not Fine. And You Don't Have To Be Fine.

She Firmly Held The Theory That Everyone Gets At Least One Very Stupid Superpower.

Oh, The Ongoing Love Affair Between Hair And Mouths. Hair Always Goes For The Mouth. The Mouth Opens, And Hair Says, "i'm Going In! I'm Going In!" Like A Manic Cave Diver.

The Cast Of Hamlet Had Not Moved Much. They Had That Haunted Yet Hopeful Look In Their Eyes, Like The Ones You See In Photographs Of People Crammed Into Steerage Compartments, Traveling To Some New, Unknown Land.

I Don't Know If There Is Actually More Rain Here In England, Or If It Was Just That The Rain Seemed To Be So Deliberately Annoying. Every Drop Hit The Window With A Peevish "am I Bothering You? Does This Make You Cold And Wet? Oh, Sorry.

I Could Envision It All To Clearly: Stuart Or Debbie Finding The Dented Door Off Its Hinges, Lying In The Snow. "she Came In, Ravaged The Boy, Stole Plastic Bags, And Ripped Off The Door In Her Escape," The Police Would Say In The Apb. "probably Making Her Way To Bust Her Parents Out Of Jail.

Something About Her Suggested That Her Leisure Activities Included Wrestling Large Woodland Animals And Banging Bricks Together.

Leisure Activities

Although It Was Very Cold, He Wore No Coat. I Think Some English People Think Coats Are For The Weak.

All Right. Normal Rules Apply." "right." The Man Walked Off, Leaving Us. "what Are The Normal Rules?" I Asked. "he Walks Away And Has A Tea Break And Doesn't Ask Any Questions.

Why Paris? Paris Needs No Reason. Paris Is Its Own Reason.

The Essay I Had To Read Was Called, "an Essay On Criticism" By Alexander Pope. The First Challenge Was That The Essay Was, In Fact, A Very Long Poem In "heroic Couplets". If Something Is Called An Essay, It Should Be An Essay.

This Is England," He Explained. "tell Someone It's A Procedure, And They'll Believe You. The Pointless Procedure Is One Of Our Great Natural Resources.

Spicy Food And I Have A Close Relationship—an Obsessive One, In Fact. If It’s Spicy, I Want It. I Want To Sweat And Shake And Go Half Blind From The Searing Pain . . . Which, Now That I Put It That Way, Seems Really Suggestive. But Spicy Stuff Is Addictive. That’s A Known Fact Of Science.

One Of Them Hung A Pink Bra From Our Lighting Fixture. I Left It There. It Was A Nice Bra

Every Time You Try To Flirt With Her, A Puppy Dies.

Rory: "people Are Being Serious." Jazza: "there's A Serial Killer Out There. Of Course People Are Being Serious." Rory: "yeah, But What Are The Chances?" Jazza: "i Bet All Of The Victims Thought That." Rory: "but Still, What Are The Chances?" Jazza: "well, I Imagine They Are Several Million To One." Jerome: "not That High. You're Only Dealing With A Small Part Of London. And While There Might Be A Million Or More People In That Area, The Ripper Is Probably Focusing On Women, Because All Of The Original Victims Were Women. So Halve That--" Jazza: "you Really Need Another Hobby.

I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

And If We Get Caught, I Will Claim I Made You Go. At Gunpoint. I Am American. People Will Assume I'm Armed.

It's Always Easier To Say Good-bye When You Know It's Just A Prelude To Hello.

It Took A Lot Of Women Like That, A Lot Of Women Who Said "i'm Not Going To Do What You Expect Me To Do, Because You Have No Idea What I'm Capable Of. I'm Going To Get Dirty And Use Tools And Live The Way I Want" To Move The World Forward.

He's Been In Love With Miss Gina Since High School, But He Doesn't Really Know How To Talk To Girls, So He's Just Been...staying Around Her Since Then. He Just Tends To Go Where She Goes." "isn't That Stalking?" Jazza Said. "legally, No," I Replied. "i Asked My Parents This When I Was Little. What He Does Is Creepy And Socially Awkward, But It's Not Actually Stalking.

One Thing," I Said, When We Had Broken Apart And The Swirling Feeling In My Head Subsided. "maybe...don't Tell Your Mom Too Much About This. I Think She Has Ideas." "what?" He Asked, All Innocence, As He Put An Arm Around My Shoulders And Led Me Back Toward His House. "don't Your Parents Cheer And Stare When You Make Out With Someone? Is That Weird Where You Come From? I Guess They Don't Get To See It Much, Though. From Jail, I Mean." "shut It, Weintraub. If I Knock You Down In The Snow, These Kids Will Swarm And Eat You.

We Learn That Many Great Thinkers Were Convinced That The Bible Contained The Ancient Mysteries, But Not In The Literal Words—that The Words On The Pages Were Codes, And That The Bible Is Comprised Of Heavy-handed And Useless Story Covering Up Something Much More Important And Interesting. I Get The Feeling That [dan Brown] Is Trying To Tell Me Something, But I Am Not Biting, Reader.

Go See Old Virgins! Now Ask A Strange Boy Out, You Shy, Retarded Thing!

Why Are Americans So Fascinated By Ireland?" Keith Asked... "you All Think You're Irish. What's The Appeal? Do You Like The Accent More? Is It All The Magical Rocks? Oh, Look, A Leprechaun.

I Decided To Deflect Her Attitude By Giving A Long, Southern Answer. I Come From People Who Know How To Draw Things Out. Annoy A Southerner, And We Will Drain Away The Moments Of Your Life With Our Slow, Detailed Replies Until You Are Nothing But A Husk Of Your Former Self And That Much Closer To Death.

This Wasn't A Position She Wanted To Be In. And Yet . . . Yet She Knew That She Was Going To Do It Anyway.

Boo: "go Talk To Her." Callum: "about What?" Boo: "anything." Callum: "you Want Me To Walk Up To Her And Say, 'are You A Ghost?'" Boo: "i Do That." Callum: "i Love It When You Get It Wrong.

I Try To Shake It Loose-but These Ideas, They Cling. It's Like I'm Shackled To Them With An Iron Chain. They Rattle Along Behind Me, Dragging Against The Ground, Always Reminding Me Of Their Presence.

There Is No Normal. I've Never Met A Normal Person. The Concept Is Flawed. It Implies That There Is Only One Way People Are Supposed To Be, And That Can't Possible Be True. Human Experience Is Far Too Varied.

Mouth Guard. And I Think We'll Start You In Goal." Goal Sounded Like A Special Job. I Didn't Want A Special Job, Unless That Special Job Involved Sitting On The Side Under A Pile Of Blankets.

Nothing Was Quite Like It Was Supposed To Be.

Money Is For Doing Things, My Love. Don't Sit On It Like A Hen Sits On An Egg. It Doesn't Hatch. I Should Know. I've Made Enough Of It.

Stuart Must Have Sensed My Despair From The Way I Began Lightly Banging My Forehead On The Table.

She Couldn't Take Her Eyes Off The Boxers. Mostly, She Had A View Of The Back, But He Turned Halfway When He Looked Over. She Commanded Herself Not To Look At The Front Flap, Which, Of Course, Was Exactly What She Honed In On. He Spit And Put His Mouth Under The Tap To Get Some Water. All While Just Wearing Underwear. All While She Just Stared At The Crucial Spot Of The Action Pants.

Trending Author

John Harvey Kellogg

Sarah Brightman

Category