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I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

-Maureen Johnson

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I Had Always Assumed

Maureen Johnson

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I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

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I Realize Jubilee Is A Bit Of A Stripper Name. You Probably Think I Have Heard The Call Of The Pole.

Dr. Everest, Got Up And Gave Us A Little Pep Talk. Mostly It Boiled Down To The Fact That It Was Autumn, And Everyone Was Back, And While That Was A Great Thing, People Better Not Get Cocky Or Misbehave Or He'd Personally Kill Us All. He Didn't Actually Say Those Words, But That Was The Subtext.

It Makes You Very Cool," He Said, Taking Big, Jumping Steps To Get In Front Of Me. "cnn Would Interview You, For Sure. Daughter Of Flobie! But Don't Worry. I'll Keep Them Back!

Life Is Always Going To Be A Series Of Ouch-making Moments, And The Question Was, Was I Going To Go All Fetal Position, Or Was I Going To Woman Up? I Went Into Fetal Position On The Bed To Think About This. Fetal Position Turned Out To Be Very Comfortable.

The Whole "weak In The Knees" Thing,which She Always Thought Was Just Some Idiotic Expression Back From The Golden Age Of Idiotic Expressions,was Real. -suite Scarlett

Boo: "go Talk To Her." Callum: "about What?" Boo: "anything." Callum: "you Want Me To Walk Up To Her And Say, 'are You A Ghost?'" Boo: "i Do That." Callum: "i Love It When You Get It Wrong.

People Always Say They Can't Do Things, That They're Impossible. They Just Haven't Been Creative Enough.

Well, What Now? You Have No Job. I Have No Job. Wanna Play Jenga?

Ah," He Said. "i Had An . . . Artistic Disagreement With The Director Of The Panto. As It Happens, I Take Issue With The Objectification Of Women In Cinderella, And The Reliance On Shoes As A Means Of Identification. Surely You Understand.

Sometimes I Even Felt Like He Dated Me As Part Of His Plan, Like They Were Going To Have A Checklist On The Application, And One Of The Things To Tick Off Was Going To Be, "do You Have A Reasonably Intelligent Girlfriend Who Shares Your Aspirations, And Who Is Fully Prepared To Accept Your Limited Availability?

It's Us," Stephen Said. "oh, Thank God," Said A Voice. Callum Emerged From Behind The Dumpster. Even With All That Was Going On, It Was Hard Not To Take Notice Of This: He Wore Only His Underpants And His Socks And Shoes. ...i Don't Think I Hid My Staring Very Well Either. "go Ahead And Change," Stephen Said, Handing Me The Bag. "i'll Go And Get The Car." "please Be Quick," Callum Added. "this Is Not As Fun As It Appears.

Debbie Had To Get Up And Slice Me A Thick Piece Of Cake Before She Could Answer. And I Do Mean Thick. Harry Potter Volume Seven Thick. I Could Have Knocked Out A Burglar With This Piece Of Cake. Once I Tasted It, Though, It Seemed Just The Right Size.

Oh My God!" Said One Of The Ambers. "is This Not The Worst Trip Ever? Did You See The Snow?" She Was A Sharp One, This Amber. What Would She Notice Next? The Train? The Moon? The Hilarious Vagaries Of Human Existence? Her Own Head?

She Firmly Held The Theory That Everyone Gets At Least One Very Stupid Superpower.

It Was As If The News Itself Wanted To Reassure Me. Even Jack The Ripper Himself Had Reappeared As Part Of The Greeting Committee.

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Fear Can't Hurt You," She Said. "when It Washes Over You, Give It No Power. It's A Snake With No Venom. Remember That. That Knowledge Can Save You.

You Can Never Visit The Same Place Twice. Each Time, It's A Different Story. By The Very Act Of Coming Back, You Wipe Out What Came Before.

A Pause While My Mother Made High-pitched Sisterly Devotions Of Gratitude.

It Took A Lot Of Women Like That, A Lot Of Women Who Said "i'm Not Going To Do What You Expect Me To Do, Because You Have No Idea What I'm Capable Of. I'm Going To Get Dirty And Use Tools And Live The Way I Want" To Move The World Forward.

She Introduced Herself To My Parents With One Of Her Mighty, Bunny-crushing Handshakes. (i'd Never Seen Claudia Crush A Bunny, To Be Fair, But That's The Approximate Level Of Pressure.)

We Study There A Lot Because... What Other Choice Does Society Give Us, Right? It's Starbucks Or Death, Sometimes.

She Wasn't Only Gay, She Was A Gay Elf.

There Is Nothing About A Bad Situation That Fourteen Hyper Cheerleaders Can't Worsen.

Sometimes Artist Like To Catch Themselves Looking Out, Let The World See Them For Once. It's A Signature. This One Is A Very Bold One. But This Is Also A Witnessing. We Want To Remember, And We Want To Be Remembered. That's Why We Paint.

This Is England," He Explained. "tell Someone It's A Procedure, And They'll Believe You. The Pointless Procedure Is One Of Our Great Natural Resources.

The Truth Was That She Had Managed To Betray Everyone By Doing Nothing. No One In History Had Ever Done Less And Yet Been So Wrong. Not Cheating On A Non-boyfriend With The Non-boyfriend Of A Friend. The Pressure Of Thinking That One Through Made Her Swollen Body Ache.

I'm Keith," He Said, "and You're . . . Clearly Mad, But What's Your Name?

Sometimes It Is Worth Any Amount Of Suffering Just To Prevent Giving Your Parents The Opportunity To Be Right.

Rory: "people Are Being Serious." Jazza: "there's A Serial Killer Out There. Of Course People Are Being Serious." Rory: "yeah, But What Are The Chances?" Jazza: "i Bet All Of The Victims Thought That." Rory: "but Still, What Are The Chances?" Jazza: "well, I Imagine They Are Several Million To One." Jerome: "not That High. You're Only Dealing With A Small Part Of London. And While There Might Be A Million Or More People In That Area, The Ripper Is Probably Focusing On Women, Because All Of The Original Victims Were Women. So Halve That--" Jazza: "you Really Need Another Hobby.

I Like To Talk. Talking Is Kind Of My Thing. If Talking Had Been A Sport Option At Wexford, I Would Have Been Captain. But Sports Always Have To Involve Running, Jumping, Or Swinging Your Arms Around. You Don’t Get Pe Points For The Smooth And Rapid Movement Of The Jaw.

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Lecturing Brooks Was As Useful As Lecturing A Cat.

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Guilt Isn't Always A Rational Thing, Clio Realized. Guilt Is A Weight That Will Crush You Whether You Deserve It Or Not.

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And What Else Is She?" Jerome Asked. Jazza Didn't Offer Any Reply So I Chimed In With, "a Bitchweasel?" "a Bitchweasel!" Jazza's Face Lit Up. "she's A Bitchweasel! I Love My New Roommate.

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I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

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What Tinfoil?" He Asked.

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Proximity Doesn't Breed Familiarity.

I'm Done. I'm Going To Go To Bed And Read Important Books About Theater." "it Would Would Be Easier If You Just Said Porn," Scarlett Said. "no Idea What You're Talking About. But Knock First If You Need Me.

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They Weren't Pressed Together As Closely As Normal, But His Shoulder Bumped Hers, Then Remained There. It Was Very Subtle, And Possibly Even Accidental, But It Was Enough.

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Prefects. I Had Learned This One. Student Council Types, But With Superpowers. They Who Must Be Obeyed.

Student Council

I've Heard People On Panels Say, 'you Must Have A Web Site. You Need To Tweet. Repeat The Title Of Your Book Constantly,' And I Just Want To Say, 'shut Up. Everything You're Saying Is Wrong.' People Will Know Instantly If Your Only Motivation For Tweeting Is To Sell Books.

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English Rain Feels Obligatory, Like Paperwork. It Dampens Already Damn Days And Slicks The Stones.

The Funny Thing About Stop Signs Is That They're Also Start Signs.

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I Like You Because You Were Mad. And You're Pretty. And Pretty Sane For A Mad Person.

It Was Almost Funny. Life Seemed Downright Accidental In Its Brevity, And Death A Punch Line To A Lousy Joke.

I Sleep Better Knowing That A Naked Cork-eater Is Not Sneaking Around At Night, Stealing My Underwear.

Sneaking Around

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You Don't Know Me Yet," I Said. "rory Was Telling Me She Lives In A Swamp," Charlotte Said. "that's Right," I Said, Turning Up My Accent A Little. "these Are The Very First Shoes I've Ever Owned. They Sure Do Pinch My Feet." Jerome Gave A Little Snort.

Claim Whatever You Want. Say You Only Want A Happy Family Or A Successful Career Or A Big House. I Say: No, That's Not What You Want. You'll Settle For Those Things, But You Really Want A Monkey That Does Your Evil Bidding. Pullman Is A Genius Just For This.

Lies Are A Tremendous Karmic Setback. Keep It Up And You'll Come Back In The Next Life As Something Without A Spine. You're Not Fine. And You Don't Have To Be Fine.

We're Going To Die," Keith Said, The Moment He Was Gone. "this Man Is A Serial Killer. We're Going To Die, And He's Going To Bury Us In His Garden And Build A Shed On Us.

You're...a Demon Hunter?' 'it's Not As Exciting As It Sounds,' He Said. 'there Is A Surprising Amount Of Paperwork Involved.

One Person's Crazy Is Another Person's Sane, I Guess.

All Right. Normal Rules Apply." "right." The Man Walked Off, Leaving Us. "what Are The Normal Rules?" I Asked. "he Walks Away And Has A Tea Break And Doesn't Ask Any Questions.

Kissing Is Something That Makes Up For A Lot Of Other Crap You Have To Put Up With...it Can Be Confusing And Weird And Awkward, But Sometimes It Just Makes You Melt And Forget Everything That Is Going On.

Forget Everything

Walk Really, Really Carefully. It's Not Complicated, But If You Mess Up, You'll Die, So Pay Attention.

My Rule Is: The Second You Find Yourself Doing Something You Hate, Quit Doing It.

Finding Yourself

I Get A Little Romantic About The Old Empire State. Just Looking At It Makes Me Want To Play Some Frank Sinatra Tunes And Sway A Little. I Have A Crush On A Building. I'd Been In There Several Times But Never To Work. I Always Knew There Were Offices In There But The Face Never Penetrated, Really. You Don't Work In The Empire State Building. You Propose In The Empire State Building. You Sneak A Flask Up There And Raise A Toast To The Whole City Of New York.

We Learn That Many Great Thinkers Were Convinced That The Bible Contained The Ancient Mysteries, But Not In The Literal Words—that The Words On The Pages Were Codes, And That The Bible Is Comprised Of Heavy-handed And Useless Story Covering Up Something Much More Important And Interesting. I Get The Feeling That [dan Brown] Is Trying To Tell Me Something, But I Am Not Biting, Reader.

Did You Hear?" He Asked. "they Found Another Body Around Nine This Morning. It's The Ripper, Definitely." "good Morning," I Replied. "morning. Listen To This. The Second Victim.

The Cast Of Hamlet Had Not Moved Much. They Had That Haunted Yet Hopeful Look In Their Eyes, Like The Ones You See In Photographs Of People Crammed Into Steerage Compartments, Traveling To Some New, Unknown Land.

One Thing," I Said, When We Had Broken Apart And The Swirling Feeling In My Head Subsided. "maybe...don't Tell Your Mom Too Much About This. I Think She Has Ideas." "what?" He Asked, All Innocence, As He Put An Arm Around My Shoulders And Led Me Back Toward His House. "don't Your Parents Cheer And Stare When You Make Out With Someone? Is That Weird Where You Come From? I Guess They Don't Get To See It Much, Though. From Jail, I Mean." "shut It, Weintraub. If I Knock You Down In The Snow, These Kids Will Swarm And Eat You.

Why Are Americans So Fascinated By Ireland?" Keith Asked... "you All Think You're Irish. What's The Appeal? Do You Like The Accent More? Is It All The Magical Rocks? Oh, Look, A Leprechaun.

Every Time You Try To Flirt With Her, A Puppy Dies.

Sometimes I Feel Like I've Been Waiting For Someone To Tell Me When I Can Be Normal Again,' She Said. 'i Keep Thinking I'll Get A Letter. Or A Call. When Does It Happen?' Pete Looked Like He Wanted To Walk Toward Her, But Then He Fell Back Against The Car. The Staring Contest Between Them For Almost A Minute, And Finally Pete Exhaled Loudly. It's Okay,' He Said.

The Essay I Had To Read Was Called, "an Essay On Criticism" By Alexander Pope. The First Challenge Was That The Essay Was, In Fact, A Very Long Poem In "heroic Couplets". If Something Is Called An Essay, It Should Be An Essay.

Spicy Food And I Have A Close Relationship—an Obsessive One, In Fact. If It’s Spicy, I Want It. I Want To Sweat And Shake And Go Half Blind From The Searing Pain . . . Which, Now That I Put It That Way, Seems Really Suggestive. But Spicy Stuff Is Addictive. That’s A Known Fact Of Science.

It Was Clearly One Of Those Mornings When I Was Particularly American.

Writing Is One Of The Few Careers For Which You Essentially Train Yourself, The Other Two Major Ones Being Juggling And Pickpocketing.

Also, When On A Campaign To Convince A Stranger That You Aren't A Few Fries Short Of A Happy Meal, Throwing Around Phrases Like "tangentially Swedish" Is Not The Best Way To Go.

This Kind Of Thing Always Amazed Ginny--people Who Just Walked Away From Institutions. People Who Left School When They Didn't See The Point. Aunt Peg Had Done That. Ginny Knew She Never Would. That Either Made Her Someone Who Worked Hard And Finished Things, Or Someone Who Didn't Have The Guts To Break Away From The Pack. Maybe Both.

Do You Ever Sing In The Car?" "generally Not. But I Am Driving A Police Car." "i Think People Would Like A Singing Policeman. Makes Life Seem More Like A Musical. Like Foot-tastic." "you Can Talk For A Long Time About Nothing." "i Certainly Can, You Charming Man!

There Is No Normal. I've Never Met A Normal Person. The Concept Is Flawed. It Implies That There Is Only One Way People Are Supposed To Be, And That Can't Possible Be True. Human Experience Is Far Too Varied.

And If We Get Caught, I Will Claim I Made You Go. At Gunpoint. I Am American. People Will Assume I'm Armed.

You've Never Told Me About Your Love Life, Scarlett. You're A Very Pretty Girl. You Must Have A Boy Shacked Up Somewhere For Your Personal Delights. I'd Bet It's A Booky One, Overtones Of Harry Potter And A Lot Of Black T-shirts.

I'm The Last Of The Mad Ones.

I Decided To Deflect Her Attitude By Giving A Long, Southern Answer. I Come From People Who Know How To Draw Things Out. Annoy A Southerner, And We Will Drain Away The Moments Of Your Life With Our Slow, Detailed Replies Until You Are Nothing But A Husk Of Your Former Self And That Much Closer To Death.

No One Hid Their Interest When I Walked Into The Room. I'm Not Sure If It Was The News About Boo Or My General Appearance. At Home, People Would Have Asked. People Would Have Been Crawling All Over Me For Information. At Wexford, They Seemed To Extract What They Wanted To Know By Covert Staring.

I Dumped Out The Bag And Found What Had Been Inside Was A Bunched-up Police Uniform, Complete With The Vest. "where Did You Get This?" Boo Asked. "it's Callum's," He Said. "what's He Wearing?" "at The Moment, Not Much Of Anything. Put It On." I Noticed Book Perk Up A Bit At This Piece Of Information.

Irony Is The Word I Forget The Meaning Of Immediately After I Look It Up, But I Kind Of Feel Like I Live In A Constant State Of It.

Tell Me What You Want, What You Really, Really Want," He Said. "braiiinnnnssss," We Said In Unison.

We All Know What We're Doing. Whether We Realize It Or Not.

Did I Just Kill Someone?" "you Can't Kill A Dead Person," Callum Said. "makes No Sense.

It Could Have Been Like A Fairy Tale. But Fairy Tales Aren't Real. Things Don't Work Like That. There's A Price For Everything.

Oh, The Ongoing Love Affair Between Hair And Mouths. Hair Always Goes For The Mouth. The Mouth Opens, And Hair Says, "i'm Going In! I'm Going In!" Like A Manic Cave Diver.

She Had Always Thought Applying To College Would Be Exciting. Living Away From Home, Meeting So Many New People, Learning New Things, Making A Few Poor Life Desicisons.

Stuart, Who Had Just Witnessed Me Go Through An Entire Rainbow Of Emotions And Experiences. There Was Parents-have-just-been-jailed Me, Stuck-in-a-strange-town Me, Insane-and-can't-shut-up Me, Kind-of-snarky-to-the-strange-guy-trying-to-be-helpful Me, Breakup Me, And The Extremely Popular Jump-on-top-of-you-unexpectedly Me.

Mouth Guard. And I Think We'll Start You In Goal." Goal Sounded Like A Special Job. I Didn't Want A Special Job, Unless That Special Job Involved Sitting On The Side Under A Pile Of Blankets.

I Still Have A Whopping Bad Case Of What You Call Scag Magnetism. I Thought I Had Gotten Rid Of It There, But It Looks Like Scary Guys Still Materialize From Thin Air In My Presence. They Are Drawn To Me. I Am The North Pole, And They Are The Explorers Of Love.

These Houses Had Been Plunked Down With An Alarming Randomness -- Unevenly Spaced, On Crooked Lines, Like Whoever Had Designed The Place Had Said, "we'll Just Follow This Cat, And Wherever He Sits Down, We'll Build Something.

I Guess Life Is Full Of Maybes.

Braiiinnnnssss," We Said In Unison. "it's Both Sad And Incredibly Impressive That You Were All Ready With That One.

When They Separated, The Freckleless Spot Between Pete's Eyes Was Bright Red. Before Anything Else Could Be Said Or Done, May Grabbed Her Bike And Hopped On. She Waited Until She Was Six Houses Down To Turn And See If He Was Still Standing In The Driveway Watching Her. He Was. She Stopped For Just A Moment, And They Caught Each Other's Eyes. Then He Slowly Started Walking Backward Toward The House. May Couldn't See That Well, Considering That Her Eyes Were Still A Little Blurry And He Was Far Away, But It Looked Like He Was Smiling.

We Heard Her Come Halfway Up The Stairs, Where She Must Have Seen The Bedroom Light On. Again, The Normal Parent Reaction Would Have Been To Say Something Like, "you Had Better Come Out This Moment Or I Am Releasing The Tiger!" But Debbie Was Not A Normal Parent, So We Heard Her Gigle And Creep Away, Saying, "shhh! Rachel! Come With Mommy! Stuart Is Busy!

I May Have Been A Complete Lunatic, But I Was A Complete Lunatic With Manners.

Top Trumps Appeared To Be A Game In Which You Got Cards, And The Cards Had A Picture (in This Case, Of A Horse), And Told You All Kinds Of Stats For That Horse, How Fast It Was, How Big It Was, Etc. Whoever Had The Better Horse Won Both The Cards. You Repeated This Until Someone Had All The Cards. So, Basically It Was Exactly Like High School, Except It Only Took Three Minutes. Which Was Really A Bit More Humane, If You Thought About It.

I Don't Know If There Is Actually More Rain Here In England, Or If It Was Just That The Rain Seemed To Be So Deliberately Annoying. Every Drop Hit The Window With A Peevish "am I Bothering You? Does This Make You Cold And Wet? Oh, Sorry.

The Kids I Talk To Are Readers, And The Craziest, The Most Dedicated Readers You Will Ever See.

He's Been In Love With Miss Gina Since High School, But He Doesn't Really Know How To Talk To Girls, So He's Just Been...staying Around Her Since Then. He Just Tends To Go Where She Goes." "isn't That Stalking?" Jazza Said. "legally, No," I Replied. "i Asked My Parents This When I Was Little. What He Does Is Creepy And Socially Awkward, But It's Not Actually Stalking.

I Miss You So Much It's Giving Me A Pain In My Pancreas.

Tired, But Not The Kind Of Tired That Sleep Fixes.

I Remember How, At First, I Had Felt The Tension In His Lips, As If He Was Trying To Make A Barrier Between Us - Then They Had Relaxed, Parted Slightly. And That's When I Had Known He Wanted To Kiss Me, Wanted To Give In. That Little Parting Of The Lips, The Little Sigh That Came Out... I Would Hear That Sigh Forever. That Little, Little Sound When The Whole World Seemed To Open Up.

I Knew It Was Beautiful, But Knowing Something Is Beautiful And Caring About It Are Two Very Different Things, And I Didn't Care.

This Wasn't A Position She Wanted To Be In. And Yet . . . Yet She Knew That She Was Going To Do It Anyway.

Being An Author Means, Almost By Definition, That You Make Up Characters And Then Complicate Their Lives. That's It, Really. You Make Up Characters And Give Them Problem After Problem After Problem.

One Question," I Said. "did You Tell Me All That Because You Think I'm Going To Die?" "no," He Said. "it's Because You're Doing Something Brave, And I Felt I Should Too." "i'll Take That As A Yes," I Said.

The Locker At The End Of Her Bed Had No Lock, And One Of The Hinges Was Busted. She Opened It Up. There Was A Thing In It. The Thing Might Have Been A Sandwich At Some Point, Or An Animal, Or A Human Hand...but What It Was Now Was Fuzzy And Putrid. A Minute Later, Ginny Was Down The Stairs, Out The Door, And Gone.

Some Nutter's Gone And Pulled A Jack The Ripper.

Jack The Ripper

Before I Take You Into The Beating Heart Of The Story, Let’s Get One Thing Out Of The Way. I Know From Experience That When It Comes Up Later, It Will Distract You So Much That You Won’t Be Able To Concentrate On Anything Else I Will Tell You. My Name Is Jubilee Dougal. Take A Moment And Let It Sink In.

I Envisioned Huge Piles Of The Elf Hotel Flying Off The Belt, Taking Down Everybody In Sight. I Had Seen Pictures Of That Elf Hotel - It Had Sharp Candy-cane Spires That Could Easily Impale Someone. If Anyone Was Ever Going To Be Killed By An Elf Hotel, It Would Be My Parents.

Go See Old Virgins! Now Ask A Strange Boy Out, You Shy, Retarded Thing!

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Percy Bysshe Shelley

Lawrence Durrell

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