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Having Your Back Scratched Is Not The Only Reason To Be Married, But It Is A Good One, Especially For Those Spots That Are So Hard To Reach By Yourself.

-Maureen Johnson

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Having Your Back Scratched

Maureen Johnson

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Having Your Back Scratched Is Not The Only Reason To Be Married, But It Is A Good One, Especially For Those Spots That Are So Hard To Reach By Yourself.

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She's Gone. Been Gone For Ages. They Split Up Right After You Left. That's Why The Grass Out Front Started Growing Again." "he's Got A New Girlfriend?" She Said Quietly. "thank God. You Must Be Happy." "yeah. He Does. It's A Relief. She's A Lot Nicer. But Then, Your Average Angry Snake Is Nicer Than Fiona. I'm Sure She's Happier Wherever She Is Now, Burning Orphans Or Whatever She Does With Her Time.

I Decided To Deflect Her Attitude By Giving A Long, Southern Answer. I Come From People Who Know How To Draw Things Out. Annoy A Southerner, And We Will Drain Away The Moments Of Your Life With Our Slow, Detailed Replies Until You Are Nothing But A Husk Of Your Former Self And That Much Closer To Death.

There Is Nothing About A Bad Situation That Fourteen Hyper Cheerleaders Can't Worsen.

Debbie Had To Get Up And Slice Me A Thick Piece Of Cake Before She Could Answer. And I Do Mean Thick. Harry Potter Volume Seven Thick. I Could Have Knocked Out A Burglar With This Piece Of Cake. Once I Tasted It, Though, It Seemed Just The Right Size.

One Question," I Said. "did You Tell Me All That Because You Think I'm Going To Die?" "no," He Said. "it's Because You're Doing Something Brave, And I Felt I Should Too." "i'll Take That As A Yes," I Said.

I Had Always Assumed The Weekend Was A Holy Tradition, Respected By Good People Everywhere. Not So At Wexford.

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I Looked At The Stained-glass Image Of The Lamb In The Window Above Me, But That Only Reminded Me That Lambs Are Famous For Being Led To Slaughter, Or Sometimes Hanging Out With Lions In Ill-advised Relationships.

The Essay I Had To Read Was Called, "an Essay On Criticism" By Alexander Pope. The First Challenge Was That The Essay Was, In Fact, A Very Long Poem In "heroic Couplets". If Something Is Called An Essay, It Should Be An Essay.

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But We Made Our Own Fun, Mostly. I Recall A Time, Many Years Later, When American Children Seemed Unable To Amuse Themselves Without A Fortune In Electrical And Electronic Equipment. We Had No Fancy Equipment And Did Not Miss It.

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Having Your Back Scratched Is Not The Only Reason To Be Married, But It Is A Good One, Especially For Those Spots That Are So Hard To Reach By Yourself.

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Forget Everything

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A Pause While My Mother Made High-pitched Sisterly Devotions Of Gratitude.

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Sometimes I Even Felt Like He Dated Me As Part Of His Plan, Like They Were Going To Have A Checklist On The Application, And One Of The Things To Tick Off Was Going To Be, "do You Have A Reasonably Intelligent Girlfriend Who Shares Your Aspirations, And Who Is Fully Prepared To Accept Your Limited Availability?

It Was Clearly One Of Those Mornings When I Was Particularly American.

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When They Separated, The Freckleless Spot Between Pete's Eyes Was Bright Red. Before Anything Else Could Be Said Or Done, May Grabbed Her Bike And Hopped On. She Waited Until She Was Six Houses Down To Turn And See If He Was Still Standing In The Driveway Watching Her. He Was. She Stopped For Just A Moment, And They Caught Each Other's Eyes. Then He Slowly Started Walking Backward Toward The House. May Couldn't See That Well, Considering That Her Eyes Were Still A Little Blurry And He Was Far Away, But It Looked Like He Was Smiling.

Oh My God!" Said One Of The Ambers. "is This Not The Worst Trip Ever? Did You See The Snow?" She Was A Sharp One, This Amber. What Would She Notice Next? The Train? The Moon? The Hilarious Vagaries Of Human Existence? Her Own Head?

We Study There A Lot Because... What Other Choice Does Society Give Us, Right? It's Starbucks Or Death, Sometimes.

What Tinfoil?" He Asked.

I'm Keith," He Said, "and You're . . . Clearly Mad, But What's Your Name?

Prefects. I Had Learned This One. Student Council Types, But With Superpowers. They Who Must Be Obeyed.

Student Council

Keep Calm And Carry On. Also, Stay In And Hide Because The Ripper Is Coming.

Keep Calm And Carry On

It Was Like The Entire World Was Colluding To Make Me Feel Insane, And It Was Doing A Really Good Job.

We Deveauxs Preferred To Talk You To Death, Rather Than Face You In Physical Combat.

I Like To Talk. Talking Is Kind Of My Thing. If Talking Had Been A Sport Option At Wexford, I Would Have Been Captain. But Sports Always Have To Involve Running, Jumping, Or Swinging Your Arms Around. You Don’t Get Pe Points For The Smooth And Rapid Movement Of The Jaw.

I Read Two Mysteries A Day When I Was A Kid. All Of Agatha Christie, All Of 'sherlock Holmes.' I've Seen Every Single British Detective Show Ever Made.

Hey! Jack The Wanker! Over Here! I Want Your Autograph!

Stuart Must Have Sensed My Despair From The Way I Began Lightly Banging My Forehead On The Table.

I Still Have A Whopping Bad Case Of What You Call Scag Magnetism. I Thought I Had Gotten Rid Of It There, But It Looks Like Scary Guys Still Materialize From Thin Air In My Presence. They Are Drawn To Me. I Am The North Pole, And They Are The Explorers Of Love.

I Remember How, At First, I Had Felt The Tension In His Lips, As If He Was Trying To Make A Barrier Between Us - Then They Had Relaxed, Parted Slightly. And That's When I Had Known He Wanted To Kiss Me, Wanted To Give In. That Little Parting Of The Lips, The Little Sigh That Came Out... I Would Hear That Sigh Forever. That Little, Little Sound When The Whole World Seemed To Open Up.

No One Hid Their Interest When I Walked Into The Room. I'm Not Sure If It Was The News About Boo Or My General Appearance. At Home, People Would Have Asked. People Would Have Been Crawling All Over Me For Information. At Wexford, They Seemed To Extract What They Wanted To Know By Covert Staring.

You're...a Demon Hunter?' 'it's Not As Exciting As It Sounds,' He Said. 'there Is A Surprising Amount Of Paperwork Involved.

It Took A Lot Of Women Like That, A Lot Of Women Who Said "i'm Not Going To Do What You Expect Me To Do, Because You Have No Idea What I'm Capable Of. I'm Going To Get Dirty And Use Tools And Live The Way I Want" To Move The World Forward.

I Envisioned Huge Piles Of The Elf Hotel Flying Off The Belt, Taking Down Everybody In Sight. I Had Seen Pictures Of That Elf Hotel - It Had Sharp Candy-cane Spires That Could Easily Impale Someone. If Anyone Was Ever Going To Be Killed By An Elf Hotel, It Would Be My Parents.

She Had Always Thought Applying To College Would Be Exciting. Living Away From Home, Meeting So Many New People, Learning New Things, Making A Few Poor Life Desicisons.

It Could Have Been Like A Fairy Tale. But Fairy Tales Aren't Real. Things Don't Work Like That. There's A Price For Everything.

Every Time You Try To Flirt With Her, A Puppy Dies.

Go See Old Virgins! Now Ask A Strange Boy Out, You Shy, Retarded Thing!

She Looks Like A Jumper To Me. Jumpers Do That A Lot, Stand On The Edge And Stare Out. Never Kill Yourself In A Tube Station. Tip Number One. You Might End Up Down Here Forever, Staring At The Wall." Stephen Coughed A Little. "just Giving Advice," Callum Said.

One Thing," I Said, When We Had Broken Apart And The Swirling Feeling In My Head Subsided. "maybe...don't Tell Your Mom Too Much About This. I Think She Has Ideas." "what?" He Asked, All Innocence, As He Put An Arm Around My Shoulders And Led Me Back Toward His House. "don't Your Parents Cheer And Stare When You Make Out With Someone? Is That Weird Where You Come From? I Guess They Don't Get To See It Much, Though. From Jail, I Mean." "shut It, Weintraub. If I Knock You Down In The Snow, These Kids Will Swarm And Eat You.

Irony Is The Word I Forget The Meaning Of Immediately After I Look It Up, But I Kind Of Feel Like I Live In A Constant State Of It.

I Miss You So Much It's Giving Me A Pain In My Pancreas.

I Could Envision It All To Clearly: Stuart Or Debbie Finding The Dented Door Off Its Hinges, Lying In The Snow. "she Came In, Ravaged The Boy, Stole Plastic Bags, And Ripped Off The Door In Her Escape," The Police Would Say In The Apb. "probably Making Her Way To Bust Her Parents Out Of Jail.

Can I Tell You Something You Really Don't Want To Hear? He's Going To Break Up With You. - Stuart

You Can Never Visit The Same Place Twice. Each Time, It's A Different Story. By The Very Act Of Coming Back, You Wipe Out What Came Before.

I Realize Jubilee Is A Bit Of A Stripper Name. You Probably Think I Have Heard The Call Of The Pole.

I Like You Because You Were Mad. And You're Pretty. And Pretty Sane For A Mad Person.

We Heard Her Come Halfway Up The Stairs, Where She Must Have Seen The Bedroom Light On. Again, The Normal Parent Reaction Would Have Been To Say Something Like, "you Had Better Come Out This Moment Or I Am Releasing The Tiger!" But Debbie Was Not A Normal Parent, So We Heard Her Gigle And Creep Away, Saying, "shhh! Rachel! Come With Mommy! Stuart Is Busy!

They Weren't Pressed Together As Closely As Normal, But His Shoulder Bumped Hers, Then Remained There. It Was Very Subtle, And Possibly Even Accidental, But It Was Enough.

She Was Standing In The Airport Of Copenhagen, Staring At A Doorway, Trying To Figure Out If It Was (a) A Bathroom And (b) What Kind Of Bathroom It Was. The Door Merely Said H. Was She An H? Was H "hers"? It Could Just As Easily Be "his". Or "helicopter Room: Not A Bathroom At All

The Cast Of Hamlet Had Not Moved Much. They Had That Haunted Yet Hopeful Look In Their Eyes, Like The Ones You See In Photographs Of People Crammed Into Steerage Compartments, Traveling To Some New, Unknown Land.

I Get A Little Romantic About The Old Empire State. Just Looking At It Makes Me Want To Play Some Frank Sinatra Tunes And Sway A Little. I Have A Crush On A Building. I'd Been In There Several Times But Never To Work. I Always Knew There Were Offices In There But The Face Never Penetrated, Really. You Don't Work In The Empire State Building. You Propose In The Empire State Building. You Sneak A Flask Up There And Raise A Toast To The Whole City Of New York.

Well, What Now? You Have No Job. I Have No Job. Wanna Play Jenga?

It Was Fine," I Said Stiffly. "we Played Mouse Trap." "is That What They're Calling It These Days?" She Asked, Throwing Me A Terrible Grin. "i Have To Go Give Rachel A Quick Bath. Feel Free To Make Yourself Some Cocoa Or Whatever You Like!" She Stopped Short Of Adding "...future Child-bride Of My Only Son.

Do You Ever Sing In The Car?" "generally Not. But I Am Driving A Police Car." "i Think People Would Like A Singing Policeman. Makes Life Seem More Like A Musical. Like Foot-tastic." "you Can Talk For A Long Time About Nothing." "i Certainly Can, You Charming Man!

I May Have Been A Complete Lunatic, But I Was A Complete Lunatic With Manners.

My Final Word: Don't Follow Your Dreams . . . Chase Them. With A Stick, Or A Shovel, Or Whatever You Have Handy. Get That [bleep]ing Dream!

Lecturing Brooks Was As Useful As Lecturing A Cat.

It Was Almost Funny. Life Seemed Downright Accidental In Its Brevity, And Death A Punch Line To A Lousy Joke.

She Firmly Held The Theory That Everyone Gets At Least One Very Stupid Superpower.

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