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If Only You Could Really Use A Fail-proof System To Know Who Was Worth Keeping And Who Needed To Be Thrown Away. It Would Make It So Much Easier To Move Through The World, Picking And Choosing What Connections To Make, Or Whether To Make Any At All.

-Sarah Dessen

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If Only You Could

Sarah Dessen

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If Only You Could Really Use A Fail-proof System To Know Who Was Worth Keeping And Who Needed To Be Thrown Away. It Would Make It So Much Easier To Move Through The World, Picking And Choosing What Connections To Make, Or Whether To Make Any At All.

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I Didn't Trot My Pain Out To Show Around. I Kept It Better Hidden Than Anyone. I Did.

I Know You Guys Have Some Sort Of Weird Thing Going On, With That Game You Play And Everything—" "it's Called A Friendship.

It Didn't Make You Noble To Step Away From Something That Wasn't Working, Even If You Thought You Were The Reason For The Malfunction. Especially Then. It Just Made You A Quitter. Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

Okay, So If That's Not Real, What Is? What Counts, To You?" He Thought For A Second, Then Said, "i Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting." I Wasn't Sure What Answer I'd Expected. But This Wasn't It. For A Second, I Just Sat There, Letting It Sink In. "you Know," I Said Finally, "saying Stuff Like That Would Make Girls Even Crazier For You. Now You're Cuteand Somewhat More Attainable. If You Were Appealing Before, Now You're Off The Charts.

I Wondered Again Why The Right Thing Always Seemed To Be Met With So Much Resistance, When You'd Think It Would Be The Easier Path. You Had To Fight To Be Virtuous.

This Was Always The Problem With My Mother And Me, I Suddenly Realized. There Were So Many Things We Thought We Agreed On, But Anythign Can Have Two Meanings. Like Sides Of A Coin, It Just Matters How It Falls.

That Was The Thing. You Never Got Used To It, The Idea Of Someone Being Gone. Just When You Think It's Reconciled, Accepted, Someone Points It Out To You, And It Just Hits You All Over Again, That Shocking.

I Don't Get It,' Caroline Said, Bemused. 'she's The Only One With Wings. Why Is That?' There Were So Many Questions In Life. You Couldn't Ever Have All The Answers. But I Knew This One. It's So She Can Fly,' I Said. Then I Started To Run.

Yeah. I Mean, Acknowledging Is Easy. Something Happened Or It Didn't. But Understanding... That's Where Things Get Sticky.

A Lot Can Change Between Planning Something And Actually Doing It. But Maybe All That Really Matters Is That Anything Is Different At All.

But Against Love, The Case Was Solid. Easily Argued. And You Could, Indeed, Hold It In Your Hand.

It's Not Always So Simple, Haven. Sometimes There Isn't A Good Guy And A Bad Guy. Sometimes Even The Ones You Want To Believe Turn Out To Be Liars.

Wake Up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing Had Said. But What He Didn't Understand Was That This Dreamland Was Preferable, Walking Through This Life Half-sleeping, Everything At Arm's Length Or Farther Away.

I Got Back In My Car, Starting The Engine, Then Drove Off. It Wasn't Until I Pulled Onto The Highway That It All Really Sunk It, How Temporary Our Friendship Had Been. We'd Been On Our Breaks, After All, But It Wasn't Our Relationships That Were On Pause: It Was Us. Now We Were Both In Motion Again, Moving Ahead. So What If There Were Questions Left Unanswered. Life Went On. We Knew That Better Than Anyone.

Welcome To Adulthood," She Said. "it Sucks As Much As High School.

The Chances We Take, Knowing No Better Than To Fall Or To Stand Back And Hold Ourselves In... Protecting Our Hearts With The Tightest Of Grips.

Everything, In The End, Comes Down To Timing. One Second, One Minute, One Hour Could Make All The Difference.

Yes, It Sucked Getting Dumped. But Wasn't It Better To Just Be Brutally Honest? To Admit That Your Feeling For Someone Is Never Going To Be Powerful Enough To Justify Taking Up Any More Of Their Time? I Was Doing Him A Favor, Really. Freeing Him Up For A Better Opportunity. In Fact, I Was A Practically A Saint, If You Really Thought About It. Exactly.

[adam Picks Up The Camera] "i Have To Get A Shot Of This." The Reaction In The Room Was Swift, And Unanimous: Every Single Person Except Me Raised Their Hands At Once To Cover Their Faces. The Accompanying Utterances, Though, Were Varied. I Heard Everything From "please No" (maggie), To "jesus Christ" (wallace), To "stop It Or Die" (i'm Assuming It's Obvious).

I Mean, To Me, Freaking Out Is Different. More Of A Running Away, Not Telling Anyone What's Wrong, Slowly Simmering Until You Burst Kind Of Thing.

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

Like A Blinking Cursor On An Empty Page, It Was Just The First Thing. The Beginning Of The Beginning. But At Least It Was Done.

She Knew I Could Tell With One Glance, One Look, One Simple Instant. It Was Her Eyes. Despite The Thick Makeup, They Were Still Dark-rimmed., Haunted, And Sad. Most Of All Though, They Were Familiar. The Fact That We Were In Front Of Hundreds Of Strangers Changed Nothing At All. I'd Spent A Summer With Those Same Eyes-scared, Lost, Confused-staring Back At Me. I Would Have Known Them Anywhere.

But As I Lay There, It Only Seemes Like Silence Filling My Ears. And The Thing Was, It Was So Freaking Loud.

It Seemed Like This Day Could Go In So Many Directions, Like A Spiderweb Shooting Out Toward Endless Possibilities.

Endless Possibilities

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

There Was No Short Answer To This; Like So Much Else, It Was A Long Story. But What Really Makes Any Story Real Is Knowing Someone Will Hear It. And Understand.

I Paused, Only Just Now Realizing That The Subject Was Hitting A Little Close To Home. "you Know, Getting Hurt. Putting Herself Out There, Opening Up To Someone." Yeah," He Said Adding Some Cheese Straws To The Cart, "but Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't." I Picked Up A Box Of Cheese Straws, Examining It. "yeah," I Said. "but It's Not All About Chance, Either.

Call It Chicken Salad

During The Long Stretches Of Quiet Two-lane Highway, With The Sun Setting In The Distance, It Was Somehow Easier To Say Things Aloud, And Regardless Of What Was Said, We Just Kept Moving Toward That Horizon.

This Is Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

After The Group Vet Appointment--during Which Lyle Scratched The Vet, The Vet Tech, And Some Poor Woman Minding Her Own Business In The Waiting Room--we Went Back To Sabrina's And Re-released The Cats To Their Natural Habitat.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. It's So Easy In The Past Tense.

He Just Stood There, Looking At Me, As If I Had Actually Changed Before His Eyes. But This Was The Girl I'd Been All Along. I'd Just Hidden Her Well.

And To Know Me, As You Have Discovered, Is To Love Me.

You Can't Act Like You Care About Someone But Not Let Them Care About You.

Cares About Someone

I Should Have Told You From The Start. I Will Let You Down.

We Laughed Ourselves Silly, Taking Back Our Shared Past, Gently, Piece By Piece.

Life Is An Awful, Ugly Place To Not Have A Best Friend.

I Sat Up, Sliding Them Off, And The Quiet Around Me Did Not, For Once, Seem Empty And Vast. Instead, For The First Time In A While, It Felt Like It Already Was Full.

So It Just Wasn't In My House. Anywhere, I Looked Like I Knew About The Toilet.

It's All About You, Colie." She Touched One Finger To Her Temple, Tap Tap Tap. "believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine." There Is Something Infectious About Confidence. And For That One Moment, With My Eyebrows Burning And My Eyes Watering, I Believed. "and Good Hair Never Hurt Either.

It Was As Familiar To Me As A Song I'd Been Hearing My Whole Life, Covered By Various People But The Basic Tune The Same.

But All The Love In The World Won't Save A Sinking Ship. You Have To Either Bail Or Jump Overboard.

Once, She'd Been A Pro At Decompressing, Loved To Sit On The Back Deck Of The Beach House In One Of Our Splintery Adirondack Chairs For Hours At A Time, Staring At The Ocean. She Never Had A Book Or The Paper Or Anything Else To Distract Her. Just The Horizon, But It Kept Her Attention, Her Gaze Unwavering. Maybe It Was The Absence Of Thought That She Loved About Being Out There, The World Narrowing To Just The Pounding Of The Waves As The Water Moved In And Out.

Relationships Dont Always Make Sense. Especially From The Outside

From This Distance, In The Dimness, The Model Looked Surreal, Made Up Of Parts Filled With Buildings, Bordered By Long Stretches Of Empty Space. It Reminded Me Of The Way Cities And Towns Look When You Are Flying At Night. You Can't Make Out Much. But The Places Where People Have Come Together, And Stayed, Are Collections Of Tiny Lights, Breaking Up The Darkness.

As For Me, I Was Just Trying To Get It Right, Whatever That Means. But Now I Finally Felt I Was On My Way. Everyone Had A Forever, But Given A Choice, This Would Be Mine. The One That Began In This Moment, With Wes, In A Kiss That Took My Breath Away, Then Gave It Back - Leaving Meastounded, Amazed And Most Of All, Alive.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect. If You Didn’t Want To Break A Sweat, There Was No Point In Even Bothering.

I Wondered If He Ever Thought Of Me, And Hated The Pang I Felt When I Told Myself He Didn't.

Because' I Repeated, As A Breeze Blew Over Us, "sometimes Things Just Happen. That Aren't Expected. Or On The List." "such As?" He Asked "i Don't Know," I Said, Frustrated. "that's The Point. It Would Be Out Of The Blue, Taking Us By Surprise. Something We Might Not Be Prepared For." "but We Will Be Prepared," He Said, Confused. "we'll Have The List.

People Get Mad Annabel. Its Not The End Of The World.

All I'd Ever Wanted Was To Forget. But Even When I Thought I Had, Pieces Had Kept Emerging, Like Bits Of Wood Floating Up To The Surface That Only Hint At The Shipwreck Below.

If You Have Just One Person Believe In You, You'll Always Find Your Way

But It Was Important To Simply Be Sought, Even If You Didn‟t Ever Want To Be Found.

Holding People Away From You, And Denying Yourself Love, That Doesn't Make You Strong. If Anything, It Makes You Weaker. Because You're Doing It Out Of Fear.

There Comes A Time When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Own Heart. So You'd Better Learn The Sound Of It. Otherwise You'll Never Understand What It's Saying.

What You Have To Decide... Is How You Want Your Life To Be. If Your Forever Was Ending Tomorrow, Would This Be How You'd Want To Have Spent It? Listen, The Truth Is, Nothing Is Guaranteed. You Know That More Than Anybody. So Dont Be Afraid. Be Alive.

Editing Is Hard But Nowhere Near As Tough As Facing That Blank Page And Blinking Cursor Each Day. You're All Alone And No One Else Can Do It. At Least With Editing You Have Someone In The Trench With You.

All Of My Stories, They Don't Come From My High School Experience, But They're Definitely Based On Things That Happened To Me In High School, Or Things That Happened To Friends Of Mine, Or Things That I Wish Had Happened To Me.

There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

Sometimes Love Can Be An Ugly Thing.

I Just Stood There, Looking At Her. My Head Was Spinning, My Mouth Dry, And All I Could Think About Was That I Wanted To Go Someplace Safe, Someplace I Could Be Alone And Okay, And That This Was Impossible. My Old Life Had Changed And My New One Was Still In Progress, Altering By The Second. There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

I Am The Middle Sister. The One In Between. Not Oldest, Not Youngest, Not Boldest, Not Nicest. I Am The Shade Of Gray, The Glass Half Empty Or Full, Depending On Your View. In My Life, There Has Been Little That I Have Done First Or Better Than The One Preceding Or Following Me. Of All Of Us, Though, I Am The Only One Who Has Been Broken.

You, Have This Whole Tall, Dark Stranger Thing Going On. Not To Mention The Tortured Artist Bit. And You, Have That Whole Blonde Cool And Collected Perfect Smart Thing Going On. You're The Boy All The Girls Want To Rebel With. You, Are The Unattainable Girl In Homeroom Who Never Gives A Guy The Time Of Day.

I Wanted To Be Somewhere Else ... Someplace Where The Sight Of Me Sobbing Would Tie Me To No One And No One To Me.

Maybe Other Writers Have Perfect First Drafts, But I Am Not One Of Them. I Always Try To Get The Book As Tight As I Can, But You Reach A Point As The Author Where You Have Lost All Perspective.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect.

You're Not Supposed To Have It All Figured Out In High School. If You Knew It All, And It Was The Best, It's All Downhill From There.

The Kind Who Live For Music And Are Constantly Seeking It Out, Anywhere They Can. Who Can't Imagine A Life Without It. They're Enlightened.

But You Don’t Have To Give Everyone The Benefit Of The Doubt.” “you Don’t Have To Assume The Worst About Everyone, Either. The World Isn’t Always Out To Get You.

I Tried To Hold Myself Apart, Showing Only What I Wanted, Doling Out Bits And Pieces Of Who I Was. But That Only Works Out For So Long. Eventually, Even The Smallest Fragments Can't Help But, Make A Whole.

I Told You, Everyone Understands A Quest.

But Sometimes You Lose. Nothing You Can Do But Admit It. -eli

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

The Lizard Stared Up At Us, And We Stared Back, Taking Each Other In. He Was Little And Defenseless, I Felt Sorry For Him Already. This Was A Screwed-up Place He'd Just Come Into. But He Didn't Have To Know That. Not Yet, Anyway. There In That Room, Where It Was Hot And Cramped, The World Probably Still Seemed Small Enough To Manage.

That's Not A Real Answer.' Says Who?' Says Me. I Mean Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence.' Clowns.

Apologies Come In All Shapes And Sizes. You Can Give Diamonds, Candy, Flowers, Or Just Your Deepest Heartfelt Sentiment.

The Thing About Wes," Delia Said To Me, Unwrapping Another Package Of Turkey, "is That He Thinks He Can Fix Anything. And If He Can't Fix It, He Can At Least Do Something With The Pieces Of What's Broken.

Next Thing You Know She'll Be On The Bus And Selling T-shirts In The Parking Lot, Showing Off Her Boobs To Get In The Stage Door." "at Least She Has Boobs To Show," Jess Said. "i Have Boobs," Chloe Said, Pointing To Her Chest. "just Because They're Not Weighing Me Down Doesn't Mean They're Not Substantial." "okay, B Cup," Jess Said, Taking A Sip Of Her Drink. "i Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly--she'd Already Had A Couple Of Minibottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

It Was Just One Of Those Things," I Said, "you Know, That Just Happen. You Don't Think Or Plan. You Just Do It.

There Is Never A Time Or Place For True Love. It Happens Accidentally, In A Heartbeat, In A Single Flashing, Throbbing Moment.

Call It Crazy, Or Just Chicken Salad.

The World Is Speaking To You Every Day, You Just Don't Know How To Listen.

I Think When You're A Beginning Author With Any Publishing Company, There's Only So Much They Can Put Behind You.

Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

Sometimes It Seems Safer To Hold It All In, Where The Only Person Who Can Judge Is Yourself.

I Think As A Writer One Of The Benefits Is That You Can Put Things That You're Interested In Into Your Books. I Always Have Put A Lot Of Food And Restaurants Because I Was A Waitress And I Love To Eat.

And Always Remember How Much Your Crazy Sister Loves You.

You Can Never Be Sure Of Anyone Until You're Close Enough To See Them Clearly.

It's All In The View. That's What I Mean About Forever, Too. For Any One Of Us Our Forever Could End In An Hour, Or A Hundred Years From Now. You Never Know For Sure, So You'd Better Make Every Second Count.

The Point,' Ms. Conyers Continued, "is That No Word Had One Specific Definition. Maybe In The Dictionary, But Not In Real Life.

He Shook His Head. "some People Think That They Like Music, But They Have No Idea What It's Really About. They're Kindding Themselves. Then There Are People Who Feel Strongly About Music, But Just Aren't Listening To The Right Stuff. They're Misguided. And Then There Are People Like Me." "people Like You," I Said. "what Kind Of People Are Those?" "the Kind Who Live For Music And Are Constantly Seeking It Out, Anywhere They Can. Who Can't Imagine A Life Without It. They're Enlightened."

My Sister, Who Never Understood Most Of The Things I Wanted Her To, Might Have Been Able To Understand What Had Happened To Me In This Summer Of Weddings And Beginnings. And She Was Right. The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

An Ending Was An Ending. No Matter How Many Pages Of Sentences And Paragraphs Of Great Stories Led Up To It, It Would Always Have The Last Word.

We Both Know The Limits Of This Relationship. It's Understood. And As Long As We're Both Comfortablewith That, Nobody Gets Hurt. It's Basic.

Believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine.

I Was Heading Off To My New World. But I Was Taking A Part Of My Past, And The Future, Along With Me For The Ride.

As Isabel Acted Out Her Date, Both Of Them Laughing, I Stayed In The Kitchen, Out Of Sight, And Pretended She Was Telling Me, Too. And That, For Once, I Was Part Of This Hidden Language Of Laughter And Silliness And Girls That Was, Somehow, Friendship.

If You Expect The Worst, You'll Never Be Disappointed.

Honesty In Principle Was One Thing. In Someone’s Face, It Was Another.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

During This Time We've Been Apart, It's You I've Thought Of When I'm At My Weakest, And You Who Have Pulled Me Through.

You're Not A Sucker. You're Just Nice. You Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt.

For Once, You Believed In Yourself. You Believed You Were Beautiful And So Did The Rest Of The World.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

It Was Kind Of Soothing, These Sounds Of Lives Being Lived All Around Me, For Better Or For Worse. And There I Was, In The Middle Of Them All, Newly Reborn And Still Waiting For Mine To Begin.

How Fast Were You?" Wes Asked Me. I Said, "not That Fast." "you Mean You Couldn't... Fly?" He Said, Smiling At Me.

Doesn't It Seem Sometimes That The Whole World's Uphill But At Least We Know The Way Back Will Be Easy.

I'd Been Convinced I Was On The Outside, But Really, I'd Always Been Within Arm's Reach. All I Had To Do Was Ask, And I, Too, Would Be Easily Brought Back, Surrounded And Immersed, Finding Myself Safe, Somewhere In Between.

That Was The Nice Thing About The Spot: You Could Hear Everything, But No One Could See You.

It's True. It's Like The Hidden Secret That No One Tells You. We Can All Be Beautiful Girls, Colie. It's So Easy. It's Like Dorothy Clicking Her Heels To Go Home. You Could Do It All Along.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

Even If You Couldn't See It Beneath The Surface, Molecules Were Bonding, Energy Pushing Up Slowly, As Something Worked Do Hare, All Alone To Grow.

When I Was A Teen, I Was Never Really Into The Captain Of The Football Team Or The Student Body President. The Guys I Liked Were Quirky And Different: They Listened To Music I'd Never Heard Of, Never Had Lunch Or Gas Money, And Could Always Make You Laugh.

The Best Gifts Come From The Heart, Not The Store.

I'd Learn That It's Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There. So I Pulled That Sign Off The Green Bike - Enjoy Your Ride! - And Went Inside To Take The First Step Toward Doing Just That.

Sitting There With Them, It Was Almost Hard To Remember When I First Came To Perkins, So Determined To Remember To Be A One-woman Operation To The End. But That Was The Thing About Taking Help And Giving It, Or So I Was Learning; There Was No Such Thing As Really Getting Even. Instead, This Connection, Once Opened, Remained Ongoing Over Time.

Just Because Someone's Pretty, Doesn't Mean She's Decent.

As I Rolled Over, Stretching Out, My Only Thought Was To Go Back To The Dream I'd Been Having, Which I Couldn't Remember, Other Than That It Had Been Good, In That Distant, Hopeful Way Unreal Things Can Be.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

It Was Like Those Songs I'd Heard As A Child, Each So Familiar, And All Mine. When I Got Older And Realized The Words Were Sad, The Stories Tragic, It Didn't Make Me Love Them Any Less. By Then They Were Already Part Of Me, Woven Into My Conciousness & Memory

There Comes A Point When Things Are Undeniable And Can't Be Hidden Any Longer. Even From Yourself.

But If Something Was Really Important, Fate Made Sure It Somehow Came Back To You And Gave You Another Chance.

Hollis " I Said "you're Messing With Me Right Now Aren't You You're In Paris Or Somewhere And Just-" "what " He Replied. "no This Is The Real Deal. Here I'll Prove It." There Was A Muffled Noise Followed By Some Static. Then I Heard My Mother Recite At A Distance In Her Most Droll Flat Tone "yes. It Is True. Your Brother Is In Love And In My Kitchen.

It's A Lot Easier To Be Lost Than Found. It's The Reason We're Always Searching And Rarely Discovered--so Many Locks Not Enough Keys.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

That Was The Thing: Once, The Difference Between Light And Dark Had Been Basic. One Was Good, One Bad. Suddenly, Though, Things Weren’t So Clear. The Dark Was Still A Mystery, Something Hidden, Something To Be Scared Of, But I’d Come To Fear The Light, Too. It Was Where Everything Was Revealed, Or Seemed To Be. Eyes Closed, I Saw Only The Blackness, Reminding Me Of This One Thing, The Most Deep Of My Secrets; Eyes Open, There Was Only The World That Didn’t Know It, Bright, Inescapable, And Somehow, Still There.

You Know," I Told Him,"if You Don't Know How To Eat A Cupcake, That's Nothing To Be Ashamed Of." Now He Did Smile. "i Know How To Eat A Cupcake." "sure You Do." "i Do," He Said. "i Just Don't Want One Of Those." "yeah? Prove It.

Looking At Her, I Thought Again How Beautiful She Was - Even In Jeans And A T-shirt, No Makeup, She Was Breathtaking. So Much So That It Was Hard To Believe She Could Ever Have Looked At Herself And Seen Anything Else.

But Anyone Can Begin. It Was The Part With All The Promise, The Potential, The Things I Loved. More And More, Though, I Was Finding Myself Wanting To Find Out What Happened In The End.

You Know, I Think I Knew You For About Three Weeks Before I Ever Really Saw You Smile. And Then One Day, Morgan Said Something And You Laughed, And I Remember Thinking It Was Really Cool Because It Meant Something. You're Not The Kind Of Person Who Smiles For Nothing, Colie. I Have To Earn Every One.

I Wasn’t Ready To Think About The Other Yet: That It Wasn’t That I Wasn’t Right For Macon, But That Maybe He Wasn’t Right For Me. There Was A Difference. Even For Someone Who Things Didn’t Come Easy For, Someone Like Me.

Once, I Was Easy. Now, I Was Choosy. See? Big Difference.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

My Books Are So Tame!

If Something Doesn't Work Exactly Right, Or Maybe Needs Some Special Treatment, You Don't Just Throw It Away. Everything Can't Be Fully Operational All The Time. Sometimes, We Need To Have The Patience To Give Something The Little Nudge It Needs.

So Maybe It Wasn't The Fairy Tale. But Those Stories Weren't Real Anyway. Mine Were.

And So, While The Rest Of The World Went On Unaware, Drinking Their Coffee, Reading The Sports Page, And Picking Up Their Dry Cleaning, I Leaned Forward And Kissed Dexter, Making A Choice That Would Change Everything. Maybe Somewhere There Was A Ripple, A Bit Of Jump, Some Small Shift In The Universe, Barely Noticeable. I Didn’t Feel It Then. I Felt Only Him Kissing Me Back, Easing Me Into The Sunlight As I Lost Myself In The Taste Of Him And Felt The World Go On, Just As It Always Had, All Around Us.

Maybe I'd Just Figured Out There Were Some Things You Were Better Off Not Knowing

I'd Come Here Planning To Leave As Soon As I Could. It Was A Pit Stop, Not A Destination. I Had My Whole Life Mapped Out." "so What Happened?" "i Guess That Map Didn't Turn Out To Be Mine After All.

Oh For God's Sake,' Heather Said, 'i Wish You Two Would Just Go Out, Fail Miserably As A Couple, And Get It Over With.

My Point Is You're Different Here. Hollis I've Only Been Here For A Month. A Lot Can Happen In A Month He Replied. Shoot In Two Weeks I Met My Future Wife Changed My Entire Life's Trajectory And Bought My First Tie. You Bought A Tie I Asked. Because Honestly This Was The Most Shocking Part.

If There's One Thing I've Learned In The Last Few Months, It's That Sometimes You Just Have To Close Your Eyes And Jump.

This Is What Daughters Did. They Left, And Came Home Later With Lives Of Their Own.

Total Commitment. You Know, The Idea Of Discovering Something That, For All Intents And Purposes, Goes Against Your Abilities, And Yet Still Deciding To Do It Anyway. That Takes Guts, You Know?

You Bought Me Some Forks. And Knives. And Spoons. Because You Love Me!

It Wasn't About Being Happy Or Unhappy. I Just Didn't Want To Be Me Anymore.

From Up Above, In A Plane Passing Over, You’d Just See One Little Light In All This Dark, With No Idea Of The Lives That Were Being Lived Within It, And In The House Beside, And Beside That One. So Much Happening In The World, Night And Day, Hour By Hour. It Was No Wonder We Were Meant To Sleep, If Only To Check Out Of It For A Little While.

You Didn't Have To Take A Punch For Me, You Know,' He Said. 'i'm A Lover, Not A Fighter.' 'you're A Freak Is What You Are,' I Said.

But You Only Get So Many Do-overs In This Life, So Many Chances To, If Not Change Your Past, Alter Your Future.

My Point Is, There Are A Lot Of People In The World. No One Ever Sees Everything The Same Way You Do; It Just Doesn't Happen. So When You Find One Person Who Gets A Couple Of Things, Especially If They're Important Ones... You Might As Well Hold On To Them. You Know?

Individual Differences

"which Is Completely Out-of-line Behavior. Then You Are Wholly Within Your Rights To Stomp On Their Foot." "no," Delia Said, Over Her Shoulder. "actually, You're Not. Just Excuse Yourself As Politely As Possible, And Get Out Of Arm's Reach." Kristy Looked At Me, Shaking Her Head. "stomp Them." She Said, Under Her Breath. "really."

As If He Was Beating Me To The Punch, His Words Living Forever, While I Was Left Speechless, No Rebuttal, No Words Left To Say.

Maybe My Sister And I Shared More Than We Thought. We Were Both Waiting And Wishing For Something We Couldn't Completely Control: I Wanted To Be Alone, And She The Total Opposite. It Was Weird, Really, To Have Something So Contrary In Common. But At Least It Was Something.

I Knew That It Wouldn’t Last. It Was Just A Moment, A Perfect Moment, As Time Stood Still And Fleetingly Everything Fell Back Into Its Proper Place.

Life Has A Way Of Disregarding Even Your Best Intentions.

Best Intentions

Love Is So Unpredictable. That's What Makes It So Great.

'so,' He Said As We Turned Onto The Main Road, The Muffler Rattling, 'i've Been Thinking.' 'yeah?' He Nodded. 'you Really Need To Go Out With Me.' I Blinked. 'i'm Sorry?' 'you Know. You, Me. A Restaurant Or Movie. Together.' He Glanced Over, Shifting Gears. 'maybe It's A New Concept For You? If So, I'll Be Happy To Walk You Through It.' 'you Want To Take Me To A Movie?' I Asked. 'well, Not Really,' He Said. 'what I Really Want Is For You To Be My Girlfriend. But I Though Saying That Might Scare You Off.'

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

I Hoped That Grace Would Be A Little Bit Of The Best Of All Of Us: Scarlett's Spirit, And My Mother's Strength, Marion's Determination, And Michael's Sly Humor. I Wasn't Sure What I Could Give, Not Just Yet. But I Would Know When I Told Her About The Comet, Years From Now, I Would Know. And I Would Lean Close To Her Ear, Saying The Words No One Else Could Hear, Explaining It All. The Language Of Solace And Comets, And The Girls We All Become, In The End.

I've Seen What Commitment Leads To. Going In Is The Easy Part. It's The Ending That Sucks! -remy

The Truth About Forever Is That It Is Happening Right Now.

Truth About Forever

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

How Weird Was It That So Many Bits And Pieces, All Diverse, Could Make Something Whole. Something With Potential. 'perfect.

I Find That The More I Depend On Real Life, The Less Interesting The Story Is. It's Much More Common For Me To Take Something That Almost-happened, Or I Wish Had Happened, And Then Follow That Possibility.

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

When You Can't Save Yourself Or Your Heart, It Helps To Be Able To Save Face.

Forgiveness Is Hard. Acceptance Is Doable.

I Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly— She'd Already Had A Couple Of Mini Bottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

Okay. Enough." I Got Out Of The Closet, Brushing Myself Off, Then Turned Around To Face Her. "this Is Happening. So You Need To Go Downstairs, Face Your Fears, And Make The Best Of It, And Everything Will Be Okay." She Narrowed Her Eyes At Me. "when Did You Suddenly Become So Positive?" "just Get Out Of There.

The Worst Part Was That I Had Things I Wanted To Tell My Mother, Too Many To Count, But None Of Them Would Go Down So Easy. She'd Been Through Too Much, Between My Siters-i Could Not Add To The Weight. So Instead, I Did My Best To Balance It Out, Bit By Bit, Word By Word, Story By Story, Even If None Of Them Were True.

Love Can Make Up For A Lot.

One Open, One Closed. It Was No Wonder That The First Image That Came To Mind When I Thought Of Either Of My Sisters Was A Door. With Kirsten, It Was The Front One To Our House, Through Which She Was Always Coming In Or Out, Usually In Mid-sentence, A Gaggle Of Friends Trailing Behind Her. Whitney’s Was The One To Her Bedroom, Which She Preferred To Keep Shut Between Her And The Rest Of Us, Always.

I Was Tired Of Hanging On, Taking The Torn Pieces To Make Something Whole With Them.

In My Group Of Friends, I Was Always The One Who Remembered Everything. The Stories, The Boys My Friends And I Dated, All The Details. So I Think A Part Of Me Was Always Filing Them Away, Although At The Time I Wasn't Sure Why.

This Lullaby Is Only A Few Words, A Simple Run Of Chords, Quiet Here In This Spare Room, But You Can Hear It, Hear It, Wherever You May Go, Even If I Let You Down, This Lullaby Plays On.

I Wasn't Ready For This, But Then I Probably Never Would Be, And This Year, Like So Much Else, Wouldn't Wait. I Had No Choice But To Get Out Of My Car, With Everyone Watching And Begin In Earnest, Alone. So I Did

Was It Really This Easy, Once You Escaped, To Just Not Care?

All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This.

The Girl In The Tight Black Dress Was Passing By Us Now, Eyeing Wes And Walking Entirely Too Slowly. "hi," She Said, And He Nodded At Her But Didn't Reply. Knew It, I Thought. Honestly," I Said. What?" Come On. You Have To Admit, It's Sort Of Ridiculous." What Is?" Now That I Had To Define It, I Found Myself Struggling For The Right Words. "you Know," I Said, Then Figured Kristy Had Really Summed It Up Best. "the Sa-woon." The What?

And No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

I Thought Of All The Times We'd Been Together, How I Kept Coming Closer, Then Retreating, While He Stayed Right Where He Was. A Constant In A World Where Few, If Any, Really Existed.

It’s Funny How One Summer Can Change Everything.

But The Original Was There As Well—more Jaded And Rudimentary, Functional Rather Than Romantic. It Fit Not Just The Yellow House But Another Door, Deep Within My Own Heart. One That Had Been Locked So Tight For So Long That I Was Afraid To Even Try It For Fear Of What Might Be On The Other Side

I Really Just Love To Read, Period, Whether It Be Books Or Magazines Or The Back Of The Cereal Box. It's The One Thing I Can Always Count On To Calm Me Down, Take Me Away And Inspire Me, All At Once.

Something Had Changed In Me, Even If I Didn't Know What It Was Just Yet. All I Could Think Was That I Felt Alive For The First Time.

So I Learned Another System: When In Doubt, Keep It Out – Out Of Earshot, Out Of The House – Even If This Meant, Really, Just Keeping It In.

Maybe We Were All Destined To Just Keep Doing The Same Stupid Things, Over And Over Again, Never Really Learning A Single Thing.

Teaching Was Great For Me, Because I Got To Show People How Writing Can Really Change The Way You See Not Only Yourself But The World.

It Passed, Though. That Was The Bad Thing. It Always Passed.

Fine...a Word That You Said When Someone Asked How You Were But Didn't Really Care To Know The Truth.

Behind The Camera, I Was Invisible. When I Lifted It Up To My Eye It Was Like I Crawled Into The Lens, Losing Myself There. And Everything Else Fell Away.

I Knew This Feeling, The 2 A.m. Loneliness That I'd Practically Invented.

Quiet And Incredible. I Really Envy That.

But In The Real World, You Couldnt Really Just Split A Family Down The Middle, Mom On One Side, Dad The Other, With The Child Equally Divided Between. It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again. It Was What You Couldn't See, Those Tiniest Of Pieces, That Were Lost In The Severing, And Their Absence Kept Everything From Being Complete.

Maybe If I'd Agreed To Do The Debutante Thing Like She Wanted. Or Taken Up Pageants Instead Of Riding Jump Bikes With A Bunch Of Grungy Boys. I'd Always Tell Her, Why Can't I Do Both? Who Says You Have To Be Either Smart Or Pretty, Or Into Girly Stuff Or Sports? Life Shouldn't Be About The Either/or. We're Capable Of More Than That, You Know?

Your Past Is Always Your Past. Even If You Forget It, It Remembers You.

You're Wrong," I Told Her. "i Lost That Faith A Long Time Ago." She Looked At Me As I Said This, An Expression Of Quiet Understanding On Her Face. "maybe You Didn't, Though," She Said Softly. "lose It, I Mean." "lissa." "no, Just Hear Me Out." She Looked Out At The Road For A Second, Then Back At Me. "maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

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