Background Image

...

My Sister, Who Never Understood Most Of The Things I Wanted Her To, Might Have Been Able To Understand What Had Happened To Me In This Summer Of Weddings And Beginnings. And She Was Right. The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

-Sarah Dessen

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

My Sister, Who Never

Sarah Dessen

...

My Sister, Who Never Understood Most Of The Things I Wanted Her To, Might Have Been Able To Understand What Had Happened To Me In This Summer Of Weddings And Beginnings. And She Was Right. The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

Views: 7

Topic

More From Sarah Dessen

Sitting There With Them, It Was Almost Hard To Remember When I First Came To Perkins, So Determined To Remember To Be A One-woman Operation To The End. But That Was The Thing About Taking Help And Giving It, Or So I Was Learning; There Was No Such Thing As Really Getting Even. Instead, This Connection, Once Opened, Remained Ongoing Over Time.

It's All About You, Colie." She Touched One Finger To Her Temple, Tap Tap Tap. "believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine." There Is Something Infectious About Confidence. And For That One Moment, With My Eyebrows Burning And My Eyes Watering, I Believed. "and Good Hair Never Hurt Either.

A Second Later, When He Looked Up At Me, We Were Face To Face, And Again, Even Under These Circumstances, I Was Struck By How Good Looking He Was, In That Accidental, Doesn't-even-know-it Kind Of Way. Which Only Made It Worse. Or Better. Or Whatever. "yup", He Said, As If There'd Been Any Doubt, "you're In There, All Right." "i Was Warned, Too,"i Told Him, As He Stood Up. "i Just Saw That Sculpture, And I Got Distracted." "the Sculpture?" He Looked At It, Then At Me. "oh, Right. Because You Know It.

So Maybe It Wasn't The Fairy Tale. But Those Stories Weren't Real Anyway. Mine Were.

Sometimes Love Can Be An Ugly Thing.

As If At The Age Of Eighteen Life Already Sucked Beyond Any Hope Of Improvement.

So I Learned Another System: When In Doubt, Keep It Out – Out Of Earshot, Out Of The House – Even If This Meant, Really, Just Keeping It In.

Self Respect, Colie. If You Don't Have It, The World Will Walk All Over You.

There's This Other Half Of Him I Don't Know Of, It's Like He Is Trying To Keep It A Secret... If He Would Just Let Me Inside So I Can Help.

I Would Miss Colby, But It Wasn't Going Anywhere. All The More Reason Why I Should.

Life's Too Short To Worry About The Little Things. Enjoy What You Have Today, Not What You Might Get Tomorrow

Usually When I Finish The Draft Of A Book, I'm Sure I'll Never Write Another One. I'm Just That Tired And Sick Of Myself. But Then Another Idea Starts Percolating. It Usually Begins With The Narrator's Name, Then Some Idea That Intrigues Me About Her Life Or Situation. I Try To Ignore It As Long As I Can, Because I Know When I Start Writing, I'll Be Right Back Into It, Every Single Day. But Eventually, I Just Have To. It's A Compulsion!

It's Always Very Pure, That Last Moment Before An Ugly, Unsettling Truth Hits Someone. The Most Stark Of Before-and-afters.

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

The Only Trick Was Never Giving More That You Were Willing To Lose.

In The End, Though, Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

Teenagers Are A Great Audience And They Are Fearless About Asking What They Want To Know.

Not Everything's Perfect, Especially In The Beginning. And Its All Right To Have A Little Bit Of Regret Every Once In A While. It's When You Feel It All The Time And Can't Do Anything About It... That's When You Get Into Trouble

What Were You Two Talking About?" She Whispered As Wes Pulls The Door Shut. Nothing," I Said. "running." You Should Have Seen Your Face," She Said, Her Breath Hot In My Ear. "sa-woooon.

There Are Worse Addictions Than Reality Tv, Chocolate And Coffee.

I Was Beginning To See, Though, That The Unknown Wasn't Always The Greatest Thing To Fear. The People Who Know You Best Can Be Risker, Because The Words They Say And Things They Think Have The Potential To Be Not Only Scary But True, As Well.

Okay, So If That's Not Real, What Is? What Counts, To You?" He Thought For A Second, Then Said, "i Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting." I Wasn't Sure What Answer I'd Expected. But This Wasn't It. For A Second, I Just Sat There, Letting It Sink In. "you Know," I Said Finally, "saying Stuff Like That Would Make Girls Even Crazier For You. Now You're Cuteand Somewhat More Attainable. If You Were Appealing Before, Now You're Off The Charts.

True Friendship Is A Promise You Keep Forever.

True Friendship

It Is Kind Of Hard To Hold A Lot In. But For Me… It’s Sometimes Even Harder To Let It Out.

So," She Went On, "it Got Me Thinking About What Cost Beauty. Or For That Matter, What Cost Anything? Would You Trade Love For Beauty? Or Happiness For Beauty? Could A Gorgeous Person With A Mean Streak Be A Worthy Trade? And If You Did Make The Trade, Decide You'd Take That Beautiful Swan And Hope It Wouldn't Turn On You, What Would You Do If It Did?

Silence Is So Freaking Loud

So This Had Been All I Wanted, A Boy Who Understood How I Felt. Now, Though, I Sometimes Wished For More.

Everyone Has Their Weak Spot. The One Thing That, Despite Your Best Efforts, Will Always Bring You To Your Knees, Regardless Of How Strong You Are Otherwise.

Once, She'd Been A Pro At Decompressing, Loved To Sit On The Back Deck Of The Beach House In One Of Our Splintery Adirondack Chairs For Hours At A Time, Staring At The Ocean. She Never Had A Book Or The Paper Or Anything Else To Distract Her. Just The Horizon, But It Kept Her Attention, Her Gaze Unwavering. Maybe It Was The Absence Of Thought That She Loved About Being Out There, The World Narrowing To Just The Pounding Of The Waves As The Water Moved In And Out.

I Feel Like Twitter Was Tailor-made For Me, Because I Can Do Short Spurts All Day Long. I Loved My Blog, But Doing Daily, Then Thrice Weekly Entries Was Really Time Consuming. 140 Characters Is Perfect.

It Was Becoming Clear To Me That I Shouldn't Bother To Get Too Attached To Anything. Turn Your Back And You Lose It. Just Like That.

And No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

Like A Blinking Cursor On An Empty Page, It Was Just The First Thing. The Beginning Of The Beginning. But At Least It Was Done.

I Mean, At First, It Was Kind Of Disappointing. But People Recover From Disappointment. Otherwise We'd All Be Hanging From Nooses. Right?

You Get What You Give, But Also What You're Willing To Take.

I Just Do The Best I Can Under The Circumstances.

I Sat Up, Sliding Them Off, And The Quiet Around Me Did Not, For Once, Seem Empty And Vast. Instead, For The First Time In A While, It Felt Like It Already Was Full.

The Basic Fact Is That No, This Isn't Ideal. Very Few Things Are. Sometimes, You Have To Manufacture Your Own History. Give Fate A Push,so To Speak.

Now I Felt Like I Was Drifting, Sucked Down By An Undertow, And Too Far Out To Swim Back To The Shore.

We Didn't Talk About Our Scars, The Ones You Could See And The Ones You Couldn't.

It Was Great. Freedom Even The Imagined Kind Always Is.

Behind The Camera, I Was Invisible. When I Lifted It Up To My Eye It Was Like I Crawled Into The Lens, Losing Myself There. And Everything Else Fell Away.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

Whether It Was A Song, A Person, Or A Story, There Was A Lot You Couldn’t Know From Just An Excerpt, A Glance, Or Part Of A Chorus.

I'd Seen Another Shade Of Him, And If It Had Been Light Where We Were Now, He'd Have Seen The Same Of Me. So I Was Grateful, As I Had Been So Often In My Life, For The Dark.

What," I Said, "is That A Crime Here Or Something? Like Only Buying One Thing At The Gas/gro?

It Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me. Just That You Do.

But Against Love, The Case Was Solid. Easily Argued. And You Could, Indeed, Hold It In Your Hand.

As I Stepped Out To Face Myself In The Mirror, Reaching A Hand To Smooth Away The Steam, I Saw Myself Differently. It Was As If I Had Grown Again As I Slept, But This Time Just To Fit My Own Size. As If My Soul Had Expanded, Filling Out The Gaps Of The Height That Had Burdened Me All These Months. Like A Balloon Filling Slowly With Air, Becoming All Smooth And Buoyant, I Felt Like I Finally Fit Within Myself, Edge To Edge, Every Crevice Filled.

Rogerson," I Asked Him Sweetly As We Sat Watching A Video In The Pool House, "where Would I Find The Pelagic Zone?" "in The Open Sea," He Said. "now Shut Up And Eat Your Junior Mints.

You’re Always A Kid Around Your Parents… Unless They’re Acting Like Children. Then You Don’t Get The Chance.

So You Should Remember That, When You're Thinking About What Other People Can Deal With. Maybe It's Not So Bad.

Told You. Everything Sounds Better In The Car Wash.

Really? Screaming?” He Shrugged. “it Wasn’t That Bad. But There Were Definitely Some Freak-outs On Both Sides. Though, To Be Honest, The Silence Was Worse.” “worse Than Screaming?” I Said. “much,” He Said, Nodding. “i Mean, At Least With An Argument, You Know What’s Happening. Or Have Some Idea. Silence Is… It Could Be Anything. It’s Just –” “so Freaking Loud,” I Finished For Him. He Pointed At Me. “exactly.

Look At It This Way: I Might Be Saying You're Fat, But At Least I'm Not Punching You In The Face.' Are Those The Only Options?' Not Always. Just Sometimes.

Look, The Point Is There's No Way To Be A Hundred Percent Sure About Anyone Or Anything. So You're Left With A Choice. Either Hope For The Best Or Just Expect The Worst.

I Was Woundering What He Would Say, What Word Could Sum Me Up Right Then, When I Saw The Lights Come Across His Face, Blaringly Yellow, And Suddenly He Was Brighter, And Brighter, And I Asked Him What Was Happening, What Was Wrong. I Remember Only That Light, So Strong It Spilled Across My Shoulders, And Lit Up His Face, And How Scared He Looked As Something Big And Loud Hit My Door, Sending Glass Shattering Across Me, Little Sparks Catching The Light Like Diamonds, As They Fell, With Me, Into The Dark.

If Things Don't Work Out The Way You Want, Hold Your Head Up High And Be Proud. And Try Again. And Again. And Again!

Maybe You Could Go Backwards And Forwards At The Same Time, But It Wasn't Easy. You Had To Want To.

It Was Just Perfect, Just Right All At Once.

Failing Sucks. But It's Better Than The Alternative." "which Is?" "not Even Trying." Now He Did Look At Me, Straight On. "life's Short, You Know?

Maybe Marriage, Like Life, Is'nt Only About The Big Moments, Whether They Be Good Or Bad. Maybe It's All The Small Things — Like Being Guided Slowly Forward, Surely, Day After Day — That Stretches Out To Strengthen Even The Most Tenuous Bond.

So Many Times It Seemed Like There Were Chances To Stop Things Before They Started. Or Even Stop Them In Midstream. But It Was Even Worse When You Knew In That Very Moment That There Was Still Time To Save Yourself, And Yet You Couldn't Even Budge.

Relationships Dont Always Make Sense. Especially From The Outside

You Didn't Have To Take A Punch For Me, You Know,' He Said. 'i'm A Lover, Not A Fighter.' 'you're A Freak Is What You Are,' I Said.

I'd Been Convinced I Was On The Outside, But Really, I'd Always Been Within Arm's Reach. All I Had To Do Was Ask, And I, Too, Would Be Easily Brought Back, Surrounded And Immersed, Finding Myself Safe, Somewhere In Between.

I'd Chosen Instead To Just Change My Route, Go Miles Out Of The Way, As If Avoiding It Would Make It Go Away Once And For All.

Nothing Like Being Scolded By A Hippie.

Obviously It Won't All Run Smoothly. But It's Important To Awknowledge That While We May Make Mistakes, In The Long Run, We May Also Learn Fromt Them.

The Truth About Forever Is That It Is Happening Right Now.

Truth About Forever

You Know," I Told Him,"if You Don't Know How To Eat A Cupcake, That's Nothing To Be Ashamed Of." Now He Did Smile. "i Know How To Eat A Cupcake." "sure You Do." "i Do," He Said. "i Just Don't Want One Of Those." "yeah? Prove It.

Why Does She Have Wings?' So She Can Fly.

When You Had To Do Something, You Had To Do It. And Eventually, If You Were Lucky, You Did It Well.

Get Back On That Bike.

Family Isnt About Blood Relationships, Its About The Meaning Behind Them. I Relize Now That Sharing Chromosoms Is Not The Only Way To Having A Family, Its About The Friendship Behind It.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

He Wasn't What I'd Thought He Was; Maybe He Never Had Been. I Wasn't What I'd Thought I Was, Either.

I Wanted To Tell Him So. Find The Right Words, String Them Together In The Ideal Way, Knowing That Here They Would Have The Best Chance Of Sounding Perfect.

Sorry!' Dave's Friend Yelled When He Saw Me. 'that Was My-' But I Wasn't Listening As,instead,i Took Every Bit Of The Anger And Stress Of The Last Few Minutes And Days Put It Behind The Ball, Throwing It Overhead At The Basket As Hard As I Could. It Went Flying, Hitting The Backboard And Banging Through The Netless Hoop At Full Speed Before Shooting Back Out And Nailing Dave Wade Squarely On The Forehead. And Just Like That, He Was Down.

Writing A Novel Is Like Childbirth: Once You Realize How Awful It Really Is, You Never Want To Do It Again.

It's Just That...i Just Think That Some Things Are Meant To Be Broken. Imperfect. Chaotic. It's The Universe's Way Of Providing Contrast, You Know? There Have To Be A Few Holes In The Road. It's How Life Is.

The Girl In The Tight Black Dress Was Passing By Us Now, Eyeing Wes And Walking Entirely Too Slowly. "hi," She Said, And He Nodded At Her But Didn't Reply. Knew It, I Thought. Honestly," I Said. What?" Come On. You Have To Admit, It's Sort Of Ridiculous." What Is?" Now That I Had To Define It, I Found Myself Struggling For The Right Words. "you Know," I Said, Then Figured Kristy Had Really Summed It Up Best. "the Sa-woon." The What?

It's A Great Compliment That People Think They're Fast Reads. It's Always Funny To Me Because It Takes So Long To Get A Book (written) -- For Me, It's Never Quick.

Okay," I Said, "what's Your Biggest Fear?" As Always, He Took A Second To Think About The Answer. "clowns," He Said. "clowns." "yup." I Just Looked At Him. "what?" He Said, Glancing Over At Me. "that Is Not A Real Answer," I Told Him. "says Who?" "says Me. I Meant A Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence." He Thought For A Second. "clowns.

Watching Him, I Thought, Not For The First Time That Night, That Maybe It Should Have Felt Strange To Be With Him, Here, Now. And Yet It Didn’t, At All. That Was One Of The Things About The Night. Stuff That Would Be Weird In The Bright Light Of Day Just Wasn’t So Much Once You Passed A Certain Hour. It Was Like The Dark Just Evened It All Out Somehow.

I Had To Wonder Whether It Was Possible That This Wasn’t Already Decided For Me, And If Maybe, Just Maybe, This Was My One Last Chance To Try And Prove It. There Was No Way To Know. There Never Is. But I Reached Out And Took It Anyway.

And So We Stood There In The Kitchen, My Mother And I, Facing Off Over Everything That Had Built Up Since June, When I Was Willing To Hand Myself Over Free And Clear. Now I Needed Her To Return It All To Me, With The Faith That I Could Make My Own Way.

An Empty Frame, In Which The Picture Is Always Changing, Makes A Statement About How Time Is Always Passing. It Doesn't Really Stop, Even In A Single Image. I T Just Feels That Way.

As Impossible, In Fact, As Keeping The Moon... So I Looked Down The Line At All My Friends, Knowing I Would Always Remember This. And Then I Turned My Gaze Back Up To The Sky, And Put My Faith In That Moon And Its Return.

You Can Never Be Sure Of Anyone Until You're Close Enough To See Them Clearly.

Sometimes Really, Really Bad Things Happen To People, And There Is No Explanation And No Reason Whatsoever.

It Hadn't Even Occured To Me That Somebody Would Believe Mine.

Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

Family Isn’t Something That’s Supposed To Be Static, Or Set. People Marry In, Divorce Out. They’re Born, They Die. It’s Always Evolving, Turning Into Something Else.

I Am Never Happy When I Finish A Book. I Always Start Feeling Good, And Then I Get To About Page 75 And Start Losing Momentum - And I Kind Of Pull It Together At The End, But By Then I Think It's Just All Over. It's Become Almost A Running Joke Among My Agent And My Editor - I Always Say That, So They Don't Take Me Seriously Anymore.

But In The Real World, You Couldnt Really Just Split A Family Down The Middle, Mom On One Side, Dad The Other, With The Child Equally Divided Between. It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again. It Was What You Couldn't See, Those Tiniest Of Pieces, That Were Lost In The Severing, And Their Absence Kept Everything From Being Complete.

'so,' He Said As We Turned Onto The Main Road, The Muffler Rattling, 'i've Been Thinking.' 'yeah?' He Nodded. 'you Really Need To Go Out With Me.' I Blinked. 'i'm Sorry?' 'you Know. You, Me. A Restaurant Or Movie. Together.' He Glanced Over, Shifting Gears. 'maybe It's A New Concept For You? If So, I'll Be Happy To Walk You Through It.' 'you Want To Take Me To A Movie?' I Asked. 'well, Not Really,' He Said. 'what I Really Want Is For You To Be My Girlfriend. But I Though Saying That Might Scare You Off.'

Very Quietly, I Heard A Voice In My Ear.it Said, In A Weird, Cheesy, Right-out-of-one-of-my-mother's-novels Way, "ah. Wemeet Again." I Turned My Head, Just Slightly, And Right There, Practically On Top Of Me, Was Theguy From The Car Dealership. He Was Wearing A Red Mountain Fresh Detergent T-shirt - Not Just Fresh: Mountain Fresh! - It Proclaimed, And Was Smiling At Me. "oh,god," I Said. "no, It's Dexter.

Something Had Changed In Me, Even If I Didn't Know What It Was Just Yet. All I Could Think Was That I Felt Alive For The First Time.

And That Was It. All This Buildup To A Great Leap, And I Didn't Fall Or Fly. Instead I Found Myself Back On The Edge Of The Cliff, Blinking, Wondering If I'd Ever Jumped At All. It's Not Supposed To Be Like This.

When You've Never Gotten Love From Someone, You Don't Know What It Might Look Like If It Ever Does Appear. You Look For It In Everything: Any Bright Light Overhead Could Be A Star.

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

You Don't Have To Say It Out Loud. I Already Know Why You Like Me.' 'you Do, Huh?' 'yep.' He Wrapped His Arms Around My Waist, Pulling Me Closer. 'so,' I Said. 'tell Me' 'it's An Animal Attraction,' He Said Simply. 'totally Chemical.' 'hmm,' I Said. 'you Could Be Right.' 'it Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me.' 'no?' 'nope.' His Hands Were In My Hair Now, And I Was Leaning In, Not Able To Totally Make Out His Face, But His Voice Was Clear, Close To My Ear. 'just That You Do.

It's Hard To Be Nice When The Rest Of The World Is So Mean.

When I Pictured Myself, It Was Always Like Just An Outline In A Colouring Book, With The Inside Not Yet Completed.

The Health Of The People I Love Is All That Really Matters In This World. Period.

This Is The Problem With Dealing With Someone Who Is Actually A Good Listener. They Don’t Jump In On Your Sentences, Saving You From Actually Finishing Them, Or Talk Over You, Allowing What You Do Manage To Get Out To Be Lost Or Altered In Transit. Instead, They Wait, So You Have To Keep Going.

I Knew This Feeling, The 2 A.m. Loneliness That I'd Practically Invented.

What You Have To Decide... Is How You Want Your Life To Be. If Your Forever Was Ending Tomorrow, Would This Be How You'd Want To Have Spent It? Listen, The Truth Is, Nothing Is Guaranteed. You Know That More Than Anybody. So Dont Be Afraid. Be Alive.

Editing Is Hard But Nowhere Near As Tough As Facing That Blank Page And Blinking Cursor Each Day. You're All Alone And No One Else Can Do It. At Least With Editing You Have Someone In The Trench With You.

Like A Word On A Page That You’ve Printed And Read A Million Times, That Suddenly Looks Strange Or Wrong, Foreign. And You Feel Scared For A Second, Like You’ve Lost Something, Even If You’re Not Sure What It Is.

Everyone Laughed, And Just Like That, The Conversation Shifted, Jumping To Another Topic. It Was Fast And Furious, The Talking, The Emotions, The Back-and-forth And Forth-and-back. I Realized That If I Tried To Focus On It Too Much, I Got Overwhelmed. So I Just Decided To Relax Into It, Bumpy And Crazy As It Might Be, And Try For Once To Just Go Along For The Ride.

There Comes A Time In Every Life When The World Gets Quiet And The Only Thing Left Is Your Heart.

And Don't Change For A Guy, Ever," Leah Added. "if They're Worthy, They'll Like You Just The Way You Are.

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

I Was Bored. Sad. Lonely. It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before I Cracked.

The Further You Go, The More You Have To Be Proud Of. At The Same Time, In Order To Come A Long Way, You Have To Be Behind To Begin With. In The End, Though Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

As If It Didnt Matter What Was On, But Instead How Hard I Was Listening.

I Mean, It's Impossible To Fake Anything If You've Already Seen The Other Person In A Way They'd Never Choose For You To. You Can't Go Back From That.

There Was No Way To Take The Story Back, Folding It Neatly Into The Place I'd Kept It All This Time. No Matter What Else Happened, From Here On Out, I Would Always Remember Wes, Because With This Telling, He'd Become Part Of That Story, Of My Story, Too.

No Matter How Much Time Has Passed, These Things Still Affect Us And The World We Live In. If You Don't Pay Attention To The Past, You'll Never Understand The Future. It's All Linked Together.

Music Is A Total Constant. That's Why We Have Such A Strong Visceral Connection To It, You Know? Because A Song Can Take You Back Instantly To A Moment, Or A Place, Or Even A Person. No Matter What Else Has Changed In Your Or The World, That One Song Says The Same, Just Like That Moment.

Some Things You Don't Have To Tell. Some Things, Between Sisters, Are Understood.

If You Didn't Love Him, This Never Would Have Happened. But You Did. And Accepting That Love And Everything That Followed It Is Part Of Letting It Go.

I Always Thought I Was Different.

I Don't Talk About My Books While I'm Writing Them: Not Even My Husband Knows What A Novel's About Until It's Done.

After Everything That Happened, How Could I Miss Him? But I Did, I Did.

My Agent Is So Totally Honest, Which Is Just What Every Writer Needs. She Won't Let Me Sell A Crappy Book, Even If I Want To.

Call It Crazy, Or Just Chicken Salad.

When You Can't Save Yourself Or Your Heart, It Helps To Be Able To Save Face.

D.c., Baltimore, Philadelphia, Austin... And You. I'll Be There Soon.

If There Was A Way To Recognize Something You'd Never Seen But Still Knew By Heart, I Felt It As I Looked At His Face. Finally, Someone Understood.

I Paused, Only Just Now Realizing That The Subject Was Hitting A Little Close To Home. "you Know, Getting Hurt. Putting Herself Out There, Opening Up To Someone." Yeah," He Said Adding Some Cheese Straws To The Cart, "but Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't." I Picked Up A Box Of Cheese Straws, Examining It. "yeah," I Said. "but It's Not All About Chance, Either.

It's Always Been Hard To Call Myself A Writer. I Think A Part Of Me Still Thinks It's Too Good To Be True.

Too Good To Be True

A Lot Can Change Between Planning Something And Actually Doing It. But Maybe All That Really Matters Is That Anything Is Different At All.

I Think As A Writer One Of The Benefits Is That You Can Put Things That You're Interested In Into Your Books. I Always Have Put A Lot Of Food And Restaurants Because I Was A Waitress And I Love To Eat.

Then I'd Crawl Back Into Bed, Smelling Her All Around Me, And Tell Myself That Next Time, I Would Lock That Window. But I Never Did.

Apologies Come In All Shapes And Sizes. You Can Give Diamonds, Candy, Flowers, Or Just Your Deepest Heartfelt Sentiment.

In Midair, Dangling Lost Above The World.

Was It Really This Easy, Once You Escaped, To Just Not Care?

There's A Kind Of Radar That You Get, After Years Of Being Talked About And Made Fun Of By Other People. You Can Almost Smell It When It's About To Happen, Can Recognize Instantly The Sound Of A Hushed Voice, Lowered Just Enough To Make Whatever Is Said Okay. I Had Only Been In Colby For A Few Weeks. But I Had Not Forgotten.

You Didn't Fail. You Just Opted Out. There's A Difference.

People Get Mad Annabel. Its Not The End Of The World.

But You Only Get So Many Do-overs In This Life, So Many Chances To, If Not Change Your Past, Alter Your Future.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

It Takes So Little To Change Everything. If You Really Thought About It, It Would Scare You To Death.

I'm Incredibly Flattered When People Tell Me That My Books Helped Them Through High School. Because Of My Own Experience, The Thought That Something I Wrote Might Help Someone Who Felt The Way I Did When I Was A Teen...that's Huge. It Awes Me.

I Hadn't Said Goodbye. It Had Been Easier, Like Always, To Just Disappear, Sparing Myself The Messy Details Of Another Farewell. Now, My Fingers Hovered Over My Track Pad, Moving The Cursor Down To His Comment Section Before I Stopped Myself. What Was The Point? Anything I Said Now Would Only Be An Afterthought. Elizabeth Who Goes By Her Middle Name

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

The True Story...is The Realization That No Time In Your Life Is Ever Perfect, That Even The Best Memories Have Cracks You Might Not See.

My Point Is You're Different Here. Hollis I've Only Been Here For A Month. A Lot Can Happen In A Month He Replied. Shoot In Two Weeks I Met My Future Wife Changed My Entire Life's Trajectory And Bought My First Tie. You Bought A Tie I Asked. Because Honestly This Was The Most Shocking Part.

I Was Actually Pretty Miserable In High School. I Couldn't Wait For It To Be Over. And When It Finally Was, I Remember Sitting At Graduation With All These Classmates Getting Nostalgic And Emotional Already And All I Could Think Was, "get Me Out Of Here. I Never Want To See You People Again." So It's Ironic That I Spend Half My Day Putting Myself Back There By Choice [while Writing].

[adam Picks Up The Camera] "i Have To Get A Shot Of This." The Reaction In The Room Was Swift, And Unanimous: Every Single Person Except Me Raised Their Hands At Once To Cover Their Faces. The Accompanying Utterances, Though, Were Varied. I Heard Everything From "please No" (maggie), To "jesus Christ" (wallace), To "stop It Or Die" (i'm Assuming It's Obvious).

"i Don't Know," I Said. "what Else Did You Do For Your First Eighteen Years?" "like I Said," He Said As I Unlocked The Car, "i'm Not So Sure That You Should Go By My Example." "why Not?" "because I Have My Regrets," He Said. "also, I'm A Guy. And Guys Do Different Stuff." "like Ride Bikes?" I Said. "no," He Replied. "like Have Food Fights. And Break Stuff. And Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches. And..." "girls Can't Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches?" "they Can," He Said... "but They're Smart Enough Not To. That's The Difference."

The Choices You Make Now, The People You Surround Yourself With, They All Have The Potential To Affect Your Life, Even Who You Are, Forever.

I Don't Know," I Said. "maybe You're Right, And All That Stuff I Think I Missed Is Overrated. Why Should I Even Bother? What's The Point Really?" He Thought For A Moment. "who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do." He Moved Down To Start Bagging While I Just Stood There, Letting This Sink In. Just Something You Have To Do. No Excuse Or Rationale Necessary. I Kind Of Like That.

I Got Back In My Car, Starting The Engine, Then Drove Off. It Wasn't Until I Pulled Onto The Highway That It All Really Sunk It, How Temporary Our Friendship Had Been. We'd Been On Our Breaks, After All, But It Wasn't Our Relationships That Were On Pause: It Was Us. Now We Were Both In Motion Again, Moving Ahead. So What If There Were Questions Left Unanswered. Life Went On. We Knew That Better Than Anyone.

It’s Never Something Huge That Changes The Everything, But Instead The Tiniest Of Details, Irrevocably Tweaking The Balance Of The Universe While You’re Busy Focusing On The Big Picture.

As For Me, I Was Just Trying To Get It Right, Whatever That Means. But Now I Finally Felt I Was On My Way. Everyone Had A Forever, But Given A Choice, This Would Be Mine. The One That Began In This Moment, With Wes, In A Kiss That Took My Breath Away, Then Gave It Back - Leaving Meastounded, Amazed And Most Of All, Alive.

You Know, When It Works, Love Is Pretty Amazing. It's Not Overrated. There's A Reason For All Those Songs.

Next Thing You Know She'll Be On The Bus And Selling T-shirts In The Parking Lot, Showing Off Her Boobs To Get In The Stage Door." "at Least She Has Boobs To Show," Jess Said. "i Have Boobs," Chloe Said, Pointing To Her Chest. "just Because They're Not Weighing Me Down Doesn't Mean They're Not Substantial." "okay, B Cup," Jess Said, Taking A Sip Of Her Drink. "i Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly--she'd Already Had A Couple Of Minibottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

Not For The First Time, I Wished Both Of Us Could Just Say What We Meant. But That, Like So Much Else, Was Impossible

“in Truth,” I Said, “there Are No Rules Other Than You Have To Tell The Truth.” “how Do You Win?” He Asked. “that,” I Said, “is Such A Boy Question.

Telling The Truth

I Listened For The Voice I Knew So Well, The One I Always Heard At The Beginning. Good Girl, Macy! You're Doing Great! You Know The First Steps Are The Hardest Part! They Were. Sometimes I Felt So Out Of Sync, It Was All Could Do Not To Quit After A Few Strides. But I Kept On, As I Did Now. I Had To, To Get To The Next Part, This Part, Where I Finally Caught Up With Wes, My Shadow Aligning Itself With His, An Dhe Turned To Look At Me, Pushing His Hair Our Of His Eyes.

At The Same Time, Though, I Was Beginning To Wonder If This Was Just How It Was Supposed To Be For Me, Like Perhaps I Wasn't Capable Of Having That Many People In My Life At Any One Time. My Mom Turned Up, Nate Walked Away, One Door Opening As Another Clicked Shut.

"so You're Always Honest," I Said. "aren't You?" "no," I Told Him. "i'm Not." "well, That's Good To Know, I Guess." "i'm Not Saying I'm A Liar," I Told Him. He Raised His Eyebrows. "that's Not How I Meant It, Anyways." "how'd You Mean It, Then?" "i Just...i Don't Always Say What I Feel." "why Not?" "because The Truth Sometimes Hurts," I Said. "yeah," He Said. "so Do Lies, Though."

And To Know Me, As You Have Discovered, Is To Love Me.

The Worst Part Was That I Had Things I Wanted To Tell My Mother, Too Many To Count, But None Of Them Would Go Down So Easy. She'd Been Through Too Much, Between My Siters-i Could Not Add To The Weight. So Instead, I Did My Best To Balance It Out, Bit By Bit, Word By Word, Story By Story, Even If None Of Them Were True.

I Had No Illusions About Love Anymore. It Came, It Went, It Left Casualties Or It Didn't. People Weren't Meant To Be Together Forever, Regardless Of What The Songs Say.

But She Wouldn't. I Knew That Already. My Mother And I Had An Understanding: We Worked Together To Be As Much In Control Of Our Shared World As Possible. I Was Suposed To Be Her Other Half, Carrying My Share Of The Weight. In The Last Few Weeks, I'd Tried To Shed It, And Doing So Sent Everything Off Kilter. So Of Course She Would Pull Me Tighter, Keeping Me In My Place, Because Doing So Meant She Would Always Be Sure, Somehow, Of Her Own.

I Wondered If He Ever Thought Of Me, And Hated The Pang I Felt When I Told Myself He Didn't.

Teaching Was Great For Me, Because I Got To Show People How Writing Can Really Change The Way You See Not Only Yourself But The World.

I'm Just Writing What I Know. I've Never Been Much Of A Reader Of Fantasy, And I Think You Write What You, Personally, Enjoy Reading.

I'd Been Through So Much, Falling Short Again And Again, And Only Recently Had Found A Place Where Who I Was, Right Now, Was Enough.

But The Original Was There As Well—more Jaded And Rudimentary, Functional Rather Than Romantic. It Fit Not Just The Yellow House But Another Door, Deep Within My Own Heart. One That Had Been Locked So Tight For So Long That I Was Afraid To Even Try It For Fear Of What Might Be On The Other Side

It Didn't Make You Noble To Step Away From Something That Wasn't Working, Even If You Thought You Were The Reason For The Malfunction. Especially Then. It Just Made You A Quitter. Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

Hey, And For What It's Worth? Friends Don't Leave You Alone In The Woods. Friends Are The Ones Who Come And Take You Out.

…it’s Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There.

Let's Just Start And See What Happens.

Maybe I'd Just Figured Out There Were Some Things You Were Better Off Not Knowing

I Seriously Doubt That The Santa Police Do An Underwear Check." -cora

Music Is The Great Uniter. An Incredible Force. Something That People Who Differ On Everything And Anything Else Can Have In Common.

Some Writers Pick A Topic And Write Around That, But I Like To Include It All.

And That Was As Far As He Got Before I Heard It. The Thumping Of Footsteps, Running Up The Lawn Toward Me: It Seemed Like I Could Hear It Through The Grass, Like Leaning Your Ear To A Railroad Track And Feeling The Train Coming, Miles Away. As The Noise Got Closer I Could Hear Ragged Breaths, And Then A Voice. It Was My Mother.

I'd Learn That It's Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There. So I Pulled That Sign Off The Green Bike - Enjoy Your Ride! - And Went Inside To Take The First Step Toward Doing Just That.

I Like Flaws. I Think They Make Things Interesting.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

I'm Sorry," I Heard Him Say Again. Then, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye, I Saw A Sudden Blur Of Movement As He Slid Out Of His Seat, Left Some Bills For The Breakfast He Wouldn't Eat, And Walked Away. And As He Did, I Thought Again Of Those Mornings In The Hallway At School, Way Back In Ninth Grade. Everything Had Started In Such Sharp Detail, Each Aspect Pronounced And Clear. Obviously, Endings Were Different. Harder To See, Full Of Shapes That Could Be One Thing Or Another, With All The Things That You Were Once So Sure Of Suddenly Not Familiar, If They Were Even Recognizable At All.

Odd How It Was So Easy For A Stranger To Assume Such Familiarity. Especially When Those Who Were Supposed To Know You Best Often Didn't, Not At All.

It's Harder That In Looks," I Told Him When I Finally Got Back In The Car. "most Things Are.

My Experience Is That Sequels Are Rarely As Good As The Originals.

And For One Second, It Was Like I Could Feel The Timing Clicking Together, Finally Pieces Falling Into Place.

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

You Can't Just Plan A Moment When Things Get Back On Track, Just As You Can't Plan The Moment You Lose Your Way In The First Place. But Standing There Alone On The Landing, I Thought Of Grandma Halley And How She'd Held Me Close Against Her Lap As We Watched The Sky Together. I'd Always Thought I Couldn't Remember, But Suddenly In That Moment, I Closed My Eyes And Saw The Comet, Finally, Brilliant And Impossible, Stretching Above Me Across The Sky.

It Was Like Discovering That Some Part Of You Wasn't Yours At All. And It Made Me Wonder What Else I Couldn't Claim.

There Was No Short Answer To This; Like So Much Else, It Was A Long Story. But What Really Makes Any Story Real Is Knowing Someone Will Hear It. And Understand.

Trending Author

Leslie Marmon Silko

Vincent Bugliosi

Category