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I Was Actually Pretty Miserable In High School. I Couldn't Wait For It To Be Over. And When It Finally Was, I Remember Sitting At Graduation With All These Classmates Getting Nostalgic And Emotional Already And All I Could Think Was, "get Me Out Of Here. I Never Want To See You People Again." So It's Ironic That I Spend Half My Day Putting Myself Back There By Choice [while Writing].

-Sarah Dessen

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I Was Actually Pretty

Sarah Dessen

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I Was Actually Pretty Miserable In High School. I Couldn't Wait For It To Be Over. And When It Finally Was, I Remember Sitting At Graduation With All These Classmates Getting Nostalgic And Emotional Already And All I Could Think Was, "get Me Out Of Here. I Never Want To See You People Again." So It's Ironic That I Spend Half My Day Putting Myself Back There By Choice [while Writing].

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I'd Been Through So Much, Falling Short Again And Again, And Only Recently Had Found A Place Where Who I Was, Right Now, Was Enough.

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

I’d Only Met Him Once, At The Mall. He Was Tall, With A Big Floppy Shock Of Blond Hair He Was Always Getting Out Of His Face By Jerking His Head Suddenly To The Side, Whiplash-style. Rina Found This Incredibly Sexy. It Made Me Nervous. - Caitlin About Jeff

Only A Weak Person Needed Someone Else Around All The Time.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

Who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do.

Everyone Has Their Weak Spot. The One Thing That, Despite Your Best Efforts, Will Always Bring You To Your Knees, Regardless Of How Strong You Are Otherwise.

It Wasn't About Being Happy Or Unhappy. I Just Didn't Want To Be Me Anymore.

You Should Have Seen Your Face," She Said, Her Breath Hot In My Ear. "sa-woooon.

After All, It's All Kinds Of Things That Make Up A Life, Right? The Big, Like Falling In Love And Spending Time With Your Family, And The Little....like Blow Drying Your Hair, Applying Concealer, And Cursing Those Magazine Inserts. It All Counts. It Has To.

Falling In Love

I Was Actually Kind Of A Hot Mess In High School. I Did A Lot Of Things In High School I'm Not Proud Of. I Wasn't A Good Student And I Wasn't Particularly A Good Daughter. I Wasn't Very Engaged.

Nothing Like Being Scolded By A Hippie.

But You Don’t Have To Give Everyone The Benefit Of The Doubt.” “you Don’t Have To Assume The Worst About Everyone, Either. The World Isn’t Always Out To Get You.

I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

Let's Just Start And See What Happens.

The Worst Part Was That I Had Things I Wanted To Tell My Mother, Too Many To Count, But None Of Them Would Go Down So Easy. She'd Been Through Too Much, Between My Siters-i Could Not Add To The Weight. So Instead, I Did My Best To Balance It Out, Bit By Bit, Word By Word, Story By Story, Even If None Of Them Were True.

You Don't Have To Make Things Harder Then They Have To Be Just To Prove A Point.

There Were So Many Levels To The Unknown, From Safe To Dangerous To Outright Nebulous, Scariest Of All.

Mayonnaise Is A Lot Like Men, It Can Make Everything Much Better, Adding Flavor And Ease To Your Life. Or, It Can Just Be Sticky And Gross And Make You Nauseous"- "keeping The Moon

Now I Felt Like I Was Drifting, Sucked Down By An Undertow, And Too Far Out To Swim Back To The Shore.

But It Was Okay Not To Fit In Everywhere, As Long As You Did Somewhere.

Life Isn't Fair," Owen Told Her. "get Used To It.

We Didn't Talk About Our Scars, The Ones You Could See And The Ones You Couldn't.

But You Only Get So Many Do-overs In This Life, So Many Chances To, If Not Change Your Past, Alter Your Future.

It Was As Familiar To Me As A Song I'd Been Hearing My Whole Life, Covered By Various People But The Basic Tune The Same.

I'm Sorry," I Heard Him Say Again. Then, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye, I Saw A Sudden Blur Of Movement As He Slid Out Of His Seat, Left Some Bills For The Breakfast He Wouldn't Eat, And Walked Away. And As He Did, I Thought Again Of Those Mornings In The Hallway At School, Way Back In Ninth Grade. Everything Had Started In Such Sharp Detail, Each Aspect Pronounced And Clear. Obviously, Endings Were Different. Harder To See, Full Of Shapes That Could Be One Thing Or Another, With All The Things That You Were Once So Sure Of Suddenly Not Familiar, If They Were Even Recognizable At All.

The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

There Were Endless Ways To Spend Your Days, I Knew That, None Of Them Right Or Wrong. But Given The Chance For A Real Do-over, Another Way Around, Who Would Say No?

I Feel Like Twitter Was Tailor-made For Me, Because I Can Do Short Spurts All Day Long. I Loved My Blog, But Doing Daily, Then Thrice Weekly Entries Was Really Time Consuming. 140 Characters Is Perfect.

It's True. It's Like The Hidden Secret That No One Tells You. We Can All Be Beautiful Girls, Colie. It's So Easy. It's Like Dorothy Clicking Her Heels To Go Home. You Could Do It All Along.

We Both Know The Limits Of This Relationship. It's Understood. And As Long As We're Both Comfortablewith That, Nobody Gets Hurt. It's Basic.

When You Don't Know Where You're Going, Maybe It Wasn't Such A Bad Thing To Have More Than You Need.

I Was Actually Pretty Miserable In High School. I Couldn't Wait For It To Be Over. And When It Finally Was, I Remember Sitting At Graduation With All These Classmates Getting Nostalgic And Emotional Already And All I Could Think Was, "get Me Out Of Here. I Never Want To See You People Again." So It's Ironic That I Spend Half My Day Putting Myself Back There By Choice [while Writing].

So I Left Him There Alone To Watch History Repeat The Same Events Retold Again And Again On His Own.

Repeating History

I Realized How Truly Hard It Was, Really, To See Someone You Love Change Right Before Your Eyes. Not Only Is It Scary, It Throws Your Balance Off As Well.

I Got Back In My Car, Starting The Engine, Then Drove Off. It Wasn't Until I Pulled Onto The Highway That It All Really Sunk It, How Temporary Our Friendship Had Been. We'd Been On Our Breaks, After All, But It Wasn't Our Relationships That Were On Pause: It Was Us. Now We Were Both In Motion Again, Moving Ahead. So What If There Were Questions Left Unanswered. Life Went On. We Knew That Better Than Anyone.

Morris Was Not The Type To Offer A Hug Or Even Hold Your Hand. But There Was Something In His Quiet Indignation At The Universe Then--and Luke, Now--that Was Just The Kind Of Comfort I Needed. "i'm Such A Mess," I Said. "we're Almost Off The Island And I Didn't Even Ask You Where You Were Going." He Shrugged. "no Place. Wherever You Are.

I Was Heading Off To My New World. But I Was Taking A Part Of My Past, And The Future, Along With Me For The Ride.

So He Didn't Have To Prove How He Felt About Me. Like So Much Else, I Should Just Know.

I Spent A Lot Of Time Looking At That Picture. Wondering What I’d Think Of That Girl, If I Was Someone Else, Seeing How Easily She Sits In Her Boyfriend’s Lap, Laughing, With His Arms Around Her. I Would Have Thought Her Life Was Perfect, The Way I Once Thought Cass’s Was. It Was Too Easy, I Was Learning, To Just Assume Things.

And No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

It’s Funny How One Summer Can Change Everything.

Maybe You Could Go Backwards And Forwards At The Same Time, But It Wasn't Easy. You Had To Want To.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together.

You're Not A Sucker. You're Just Nice. You Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt.

I'd Come Here Planning To Leave As Soon As I Could. It Was A Pit Stop, Not A Destination. I Had My Whole Life Mapped Out." "so What Happened?" "i Guess That Map Didn't Turn Out To Be Mine After All.

I Used To Worry I Was Entirely Uninteresting, But The Truth Is I Think If My Life Was More Exciting I'd Never Have Any Time To Write.

A Lot Can Change Between Planning Something And Actually Doing It. But Maybe All That Really Matters Is That Anything Is Different At All.

Obviously It Won't All Run Smoothly. But It's Important To Awknowledge That While We May Make Mistakes, In The Long Run, We May Also Learn Fromt Them.

If You Try Anything, If You Try To Lose Weight, Or To Improve Yourself, Or To Love, Or To Make The World A Better Place, You Have Already Achieved Something Wonderful, Before You Even Begin. Forget Failure. If Things Don't Work Out The Way You Want, Hold Your Head Up High And Be Proud. And Try Again. And Again. And Again!

The First Thing I Did When I Got Inside Was Turn On The Kitchen Light. Then I Moved To The Table, Putting My Dad's Ipod On The Speaker Dock, And A Bob Dylan Song Came On, The Notes Familiar. I Went Into The Living Room, Hitting The Switch There, Then Down The Hallway To My Room, Where I Did The Same. It Was Amazing What A Little Noise And Brightness Could Do To A House And A Life, How Much The Smallest Bit Of Each Could Change Everything. After All These Years Of Just Passing Through, I Was Beginning To Finally Feel At Home.

We Laughed Ourselves Silly, Taking Back Our Shared Past, Gently, Piece By Piece.

Let Me Guess,” Eli Said, His Voice That Low, Even Timbre, As Always. “drinking From Kegs Also Falls Under Outdoor Activity.” I Just Looked At Him, Standing There In Jeans And The Same Blue Hoodie He’d Had On The First Time I Met Him. Maybe It Was The Embarrassment, Which Had Been Bad Enough Before I Had An Audience, But I Was Instantly Annoyed. I Said, “are We Outside?” He Glanced Round, As If Needing To Confirm This. “nope.” “then No.” I Turned My Attention Back To The Keg.

I Wasn't Very Happy In High School: It Was A Confusing And Sort Of Sad Time For Me.

You Didn't Have To Take A Punch For Me, You Know,' He Said. 'i'm A Lover, Not A Fighter.' 'you're A Freak Is What You Are,' I Said.

It Is Kind Of Hard To Hold A Lot In. But For Me… It’s Sometimes Even Harder To Let It Out.

It's All In The View. That's What I Mean About Forever, Too. For Any One Of Us Our Forever Could End In An Hour, Or A Hundred Years From Now. You Never Know For Sure, So You'd Better Make Every Second Count.

I Didnt Pay Atteniton To Times Or Distance, Instead Focusing On How It Felt Just To Be In Motion, Knowing It Wasn't About The Finish Line But How I Got There That Mattered.

I Really Just Love To Read, Period, Whether It Be Books Or Magazines Or The Back Of The Cereal Box. It's The One Thing I Can Always Count On To Calm Me Down, Take Me Away And Inspire Me, All At Once.

Okay, So If That's Not Real, What Is? What Counts, To You?" He Thought For A Second, Then Said, "i Don't Know. Just Because Someone's Pretty Doesn't Mean She's Decent. Or Vice Versa. I'm Not Into Appearances. I Like Flaws, I Think They Make Things Interesting." I Wasn't Sure What Answer I'd Expected. But This Wasn't It. For A Second, I Just Sat There, Letting It Sink In. "you Know," I Said Finally, "saying Stuff Like That Would Make Girls Even Crazier For You. Now You're Cuteand Somewhat More Attainable. If You Were Appealing Before, Now You're Off The Charts.

The Only Trick Was Never Giving More That You Were Willing To Lose.

I Write Thank-you Notes The Minute I Throw The Wrapping Paper Away.

That's Not A Real Answer.' Says Who?' Says Me. I Mean Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence.' Clowns.

But It's Strange, When You've Always Been Told Something Is True, Like The Moon Will Come Back. You Need Proof. And While You Wait, You Feel The Entire Balance Of Your World Just Tipping. It's Crazy. But When It's Over, And It Does Come Back, That's The Best, Because It's All You Want, Everything Narrows To Just That. It's This Great Rush, Like For That One Second Everything's Okay With The World Again. It's Amazing.

I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On. Maybe It Had Seen Places You Never Had, Been Rerouted And Passed Through So Many Strange Hands, But Still Somehow Found Its Way Back To You, All Before The Day Even Began.

Just Because Someone's Pretty, Doesn't Mean She's Decent.

Despite Our Differences, We Did Have A History. No One Understood Where I Was Coming From The Way He Did.

Welcome To Adulthood," She Said. "it Sucks As Much As High School.

Because This Is What Happens When You Try To Run From The Past. It Just Doesn’t Catch Up, It Overtakes … Blotting Out The Future.

I Seriously Doubt That The Santa Police Do An Underwear Check." -cora

Just Me And The Future, Finally Together. Now There Was A Happy Ending I Could Believe In.

Two A.m.' He Swallowed, Then Said, "you Know. The Person You Can Call At Two A.m. And, No Matter What, You Can Count On Them. Even If They're Asleep Or It's Cold Or You Need To Be Bailed Out Of Jail...they'll Come For You. It's Like, The Highest Level Of Friendship.

I Am The Middle Sister. The One In Between. Not Oldest, Not Youngest, Not Boldest, Not Nicest. I Am The Shade Of Gray, The Glass Half Empty Or Full, Depending On Your View. In My Life, There Has Been Little That I Have Done First Or Better Than The One Preceding Or Following Me. Of All Of Us, Though, I Am The Only One Who Has Been Broken.

But Those Words Were Only The Middle Of The Story. There Was A Beginning Here, Too.

Now, Now," My Father Said. "let's Just Get The Bags." This Was Typical. My Father, The Lone Male In Our Estrogen-heavy Household, Had Always Dealt With Any Kind Of Emotional Situation Or Conflict By Doing Something Concrete And Specific. Discussion Of Cramps And Heavy Flow At The Breakfast Table? He Was Up And Out The Door To Change Oil On One Of Our Cars. Coming Home In Tears For Reasons You Just Didn't Want To Discuss? He'd Go Make You A Grilled Cheese, Which He'd Probably End Up Eating. Family Crisis Brewing In A Public Place? Bags. Get The Bags.

I Planned My Whole Future Around Adam," She Said Now, Quietly. "and Now I Have Nothing." "no," I Told Her, "now You Just Don't Have Adam. There's A Big Difference, Lissa. You Just Can't See It Yet.

My Agent Is So Totally Honest, Which Is Just What Every Writer Needs. She Won't Let Me Sell A Crappy Book, Even If I Want To.

There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

Just Because Something's Damaged Doesn't Mean It Shouldn't Be Treated With Respect.' 'ad,' Wallace Said, 'it's A Coffee Table, Not An Orphan.

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

Like I, Of All People, Didn't Know Better Than To Lead A Total Stranger To The Point Where They Could Hurt Me Most, Knowing How Easily They'd Be Able To Find Their Way Back To It.

And So, While The Rest Of The World Went On Unaware, Drinking Their Coffee, Reading The Sports Page, And Picking Up Their Dry Cleaning, I Leaned Forward And Kissed Dexter, Making A Choice That Would Change Everything. Maybe Somewhere There Was A Ripple, A Bit Of Jump, Some Small Shift In The Universe, Barely Noticeable. I Didn’t Feel It Then. I Felt Only Him Kissing Me Back, Easing Me Into The Sunlight As I Lost Myself In The Taste Of Him And Felt The World Go On, Just As It Always Had, All Around Us.

Life Is An Awful, Ugly Place To Not Have A Best Friend.

I Was Born In 1970 In Illinois, But All The Life I Remember I've Spent In Chapel Hill, N.c.

I Like Flaws. I Think They Make Things Interesting.

I Mean, To Me, Freaking Out Is Different. More Of A Running Away, Not Telling Anyone What's Wrong, Slowly Simmering Until You Burst Kind Of Thing.

So I Learned Another System: When In Doubt, Keep It Out – Out Of Earshot, Out Of The House – Even If This Meant, Really, Just Keeping It In.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

It Was Like That Part Of My Life, Was Just Gone. It Was Almost Too Easy, For Something I Once Thought Had Meant Everything.

You Can't Just Turn Your Heart Off Like A Faucet; You Have To Go To The Source And Dry It Out, Drop By Drop.

Love Is So Unpredictable. Sometimes You'll Know A Man For Years And Then One Day, Boom! Suddenly You See Him In A Different Way. And Other Times, It's That First Date, That First Moment. That's What Makes It So Great.

Still, There Was Also Was Something Reassuring About Working For Commercial, Almost Hopeful. Like Things That Were Lost Could Be Found Again. As We Drove Away, I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On.

For Two Hours I'd Felt Myself Stretching Tighter And Tighter, Like A Rubber Band Pulled To The Point Of Snapping. And Now, I Could Feel The Smaller, Weaker Part Of Myself Beginning To Fray, Tiny Bits Giving Way Before The Big Break.

Looking Back, It Seemed Like It Should Have Been Harder To Lose Someone, Or Have Them Lose You, Especially When They Were In The Same State, Only A Few Towns Over.

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

My Books Are So Tame!

If You Didn't Always Have To Choose Between Turning Away For Good Or Rushing In Deeper. In The Moments That It Really Counts, Maybe It's Enough - More Than Enough, Even - Just To Be There.

If This Was My Forever, I Wouldn't Want To Spend It Here.

When You've Never Gotten Love From Someone, You Don't Know What It Might Look Like If It Ever Does Appear. You Look For It In Everything: Any Bright Light Overhead Could Be A Star.

I Walked Over, My Eyes Scanning Luna Blu, My House, And Dave's. But It Was The Building Behind Them, That Empty Hotel, That Had The Tiniest Light, Provided By One Word, Written In Fluorescent Paint. Maybe It Wasn't What Was Once There, In Real Life. But In This One, It Said It All: Stay.

No," I Snapped. "i Mean, No. I'm Answering. I'm Just Collecting My Response." Another Few Seconds Passed. Is There A Time Limit For This?" He Asked. I Shot Him A Look. "just Wondering.

I Think My Biggest Problem, Though, At Least In Drafts, Is Not Repeating Myself. After Eight Books I Get Worried That A Character Or Piece Of Dialog Might Be Too Much Like Something I've Already Done. So It's A Challenge To Keep It Fresh.

My Point Is, There Are A Lot Of People In The World. No One Ever Sees Everything The Same Way You Do; It Just Doesn't Happen. So When You Find One Person Who Gets A Couple Of Things, Especially If They're Important Ones... You Might As Well Hold On To Them. You Know?

Individual Differences

Not Everything's Perfect, Especially In The Beginning. And Its All Right To Have A Little Bit Of Regret Every Once In A While. It's When You Feel It All The Time And Can't Do Anything About It... That's When You Get Into Trouble

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

She Was Just A Shell Of Her Former Self, Functioning And Talking But Hardly Alive.

I Turned And Looked Into The Gas Station, Where Wes Was Now Paying, As The Man Who'd Driven Us Looked On. "that's Too Bad," I Said. "it's Okay, Though," She Assured Me. "someday I'll Show You An Extraordinary Boy, Macy. They Do Exist. You Just Have To Believe Me." "don't Worry," I Said. "i Do.

Okay. Enough." I Got Out Of The Closet, Brushing Myself Off, Then Turned Around To Face Her. "this Is Happening. So You Need To Go Downstairs, Face Your Fears, And Make The Best Of It, And Everything Will Be Okay." She Narrowed Her Eyes At Me. "when Did You Suddenly Become So Positive?" "just Get Out Of There.

I've Seen What Commitment Leads To. Going In Is The Easy Part. It's The Ending That Sucks! -remy

Look. We Both Know Life Is Short, Macy. Too Short To Waste A Single Second With Anyone Who Doesn't Appreciate And Value You.

I Have To Admit, An Unrequited Love Is So Much Better Than A Real One. I Mean, It's Perfect... As Long As Something Is Never Even Started, You Never Have To Worry About It Ending. It Has Endless Potential.

Unrequited Love

I Was Tired Of Hanging On, Taking The Torn Pieces To Make Something Whole With Them.

Some Things Don't Last Forever, But Some Things Do.

Pretend To Be A Delinquent?" I Asked Clarifying. "you Can Do It," Dave Advised Me. "just Don't Smile, And Try To Look Like You're Considering Stealing Something.

With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

During This Time We've Been Apart, It's You I've Thought Of When I'm At My Weakest, And You Who Have Pulled Me Through.

Some People, They Can't Just Move On, You Know, Mourn And Cry And Be Done With It. Or At Least Seem To Be. But For Me... I Don't Know. I Didn't Want To Fix It, To Forget. It Wasn't Something That Was Broken. It's Just...something That Happened. And Like That Hole, I'm Just Finding Ways, Every Day, Of Working Around It. Respecting And Remembering And Getting On At The Same Time.

Next Thing You Know She'll Be On The Bus And Selling T-shirts In The Parking Lot, Showing Off Her Boobs To Get In The Stage Door." "at Least She Has Boobs To Show," Jess Said. "i Have Boobs," Chloe Said, Pointing To Her Chest. "just Because They're Not Weighing Me Down Doesn't Mean They're Not Substantial." "okay, B Cup," Jess Said, Taking A Sip Of Her Drink. "i Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly--she'd Already Had A Couple Of Minibottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

Who Would Have Thought That Grieving An Old Relationship And Enjoying A New One Could Happen Simultaneously, In Parallel? Yet Another Thing You Only Find Out Once It's Happening To You.

Old Relationship

Instead, We Just Sat There, Together But Really Apart, Watching A Show About A Stranger And All Her Secrets, While Keeping Our Own To Ourselves, As Always.

It All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing.

All I'd Ever Wanted Was To Forget. But Even When I Thought I Had, Pieces Had Kept Emerging, Like Bits Of Wood Floating Up To The Surface That Only Hint At The Shipwreck Below.

I Have So Many Books I Didn't Sell. Some My Agent Rejected Outright, Others Made It All The Way To My Editor To Be Turned Away. Not Everything Is A Winner, Which Is Tough When You've Devoted Eight Or Nine Months Of Your Life To Something.

Everything Always Gets Crazy At The End. You Just Have To Keep Going, Regardless Of How Awful It Gets. So That's What I Do.

It's Always Been Hard To Call Myself A Writer. I Think A Part Of Me Still Thinks It's Too Good To Be True.

Too Good To Be True

And That Was As Far As He Got Before I Heard It. The Thumping Of Footsteps, Running Up The Lawn Toward Me: It Seemed Like I Could Hear It Through The Grass, Like Leaning Your Ear To A Railroad Track And Feeling The Train Coming, Miles Away. As The Noise Got Closer I Could Hear Ragged Breaths, And Then A Voice. It Was My Mother.

When I Pictured Myself, It Was Always Like Just An Outline In A Colouring Book, With The Inside Not Yet Completed.

Harder To Get In Than Out, Like So Little Else.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

And I Felt Comfort. Finally. All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This. I Knew, Deep Down, It Was More Complicated Than That, But Watching Jason, I Was Hopeful. He Took The Mess That Was Macbeth And Fixed It, And I Had To Wonder If He Might, In Some Small Way, Be Able To Do The Same For Me. So I Moved Myself Closer To Him, And I'd Been There Ever Since.

It's Always Very Pure, That Last Moment Before An Ugly, Unsettling Truth Hits Someone. The Most Stark Of Before-and-afters.

You’re Always A Kid Around Your Parents… Unless They’re Acting Like Children. Then You Don’t Get The Chance.

Because Maybe, The Best Of Times Were Yet To Come. You Never Knew.

"so You're Always Honest," I Said. "aren't You?" "no," I Told Him. "i'm Not." "well, That's Good To Know, I Guess." "i'm Not Saying I'm A Liar," I Told Him. He Raised His Eyebrows. "that's Not How I Meant It, Anyways." "how'd You Mean It, Then?" "i Just...i Don't Always Say What I Feel." "why Not?" "because The Truth Sometimes Hurts," I Said. "yeah," He Said. "so Do Lies, Though."

She Said Writting Novels Was Like Childbirth: If You Truly Remembered How Awful It Got, You'd Never Do It Again.

But When You're Alone In The World, Really Alone, You Have No Choice But To Be Open To Suggestions.

It Shouldn't Be Easy To Be Amazing. Then Everything Would Be. It's The Things You Fight For And Struggle With Before Earning That Have The Greatest Worth. When Something's Difficult To Come By, You'll Do That Much More To Make Sure It's Even Harder ― Or Impossible ― To Lose.

How Ballsy It Was To Just Assume You Know, With One Glance, The Things Another Person Could Live Without. As If It Was The Same For Everyone, That Simple.

Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

At The Same Time, Though, I Was Beginning To Wonder If This Was Just How It Was Supposed To Be For Me, Like Perhaps I Wasn't Capable Of Having That Many People In My Life At Any One Time. My Mom Turned Up, Nate Walked Away, One Door Opening As Another Clicked Shut.

It Was Like Reaching For Someone's Hand, Then Missing Their Fingers, Or Even Their Arm, And Hitting Their Shoulder Instead. But No Matter. You Hang On Tight Anyway.

It Wasn't Like I Was Some Expert On The Meaning Of Being Supportive. Was It Being Loyal Even Against Your Better Judgement? Or, Like Olivia, Was It Making Your Displeasure Known From The Start, Even When Someone Didn't Want To Hear It?

She Knew I Could Tell With One Glance, One Look, One Simple Instant. It Was Her Eyes. Despite The Thick Makeup, They Were Still Dark-rimmed., Haunted, And Sad. Most Of All Though, They Were Familiar. The Fact That We Were In Front Of Hundreds Of Strangers Changed Nothing At All. I'd Spent A Summer With Those Same Eyes-scared, Lost, Confused-staring Back At Me. I Would Have Known Them Anywhere.

Right Now, Though, I Wanted Not To Think Forward Or Backward, But Only To Lose Myself In The Words.

Life Shouldn't Be About The Either/or. We're Capable Of More Than That, You Know?

But Something, Somehow, Had Made All These Paths Converge. You Couldn't Find It On A Checklist, Or Work It Into The Equation. It Just Happened.

It Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me. Just That You Do.

You Can't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Is To Take What Each Can Give You And Build A World From It.

Their Words, Like The Music, Had The Potential To Be Endless.

Family Isn’t Something That’s Supposed To Be Static, Or Set. People Marry In, Divorce Out. They’re Born, They Die. It’s Always Evolving, Turning Into Something Else.

Maybe If I'd Agreed To Do The Debutante Thing Like She Wanted. Or Taken Up Pageants Instead Of Riding Jump Bikes With A Bunch Of Grungy Boys. I'd Always Tell Her, Why Can't I Do Both? Who Says You Have To Be Either Smart Or Pretty, Or Into Girly Stuff Or Sports? Life Shouldn't Be About The Either/or. We're Capable Of More Than That, You Know?

Forgiveness Is Hard. Acceptance Is Doable.

If Nothing Else, Now We Knew Where To Find Each Other, Even If Only Time Would Tell If Either Of Us Would Ever Come Looking.

All The Bitchy Girls In The World Are Just A Training Ground For What Men Can Do To You.

When You Had To Do Something, You Had To Do It. And Eventually, If You Were Lucky, You Did It Well.

Its 75 Degrees! In December!

"what Was The Name Of Pygmalion's Sister?" She Blinked, Twice, Obviously Surprised. "ummm," She Said, Keeping Her Eyes On Me. "i Don't Know." Rogerson Did," I Told Her. "rogerson Knew Everything."

I Mean, At First, It Was Kind Of Disappointing. But People Recover From Disappointment. Otherwise We'd All Be Hanging From Nooses. Right?

Accepting All The Good And Bad About Someone. It's A Great Thing To Aspire To. The Hard Part Is Actually Doing It.

It Was Just One Of Those Things," I Said, "you Know, That Just Happen. You Don't Think Or Plan. You Just Do It.

You Couldn't See The Key Around My Neck: It Hung Too Low Under Both Collars. But If I Leaned In Close, I Could Make It Out, Buried Deep Beneath. Out Of Sight, Hard To Recognize, But Still Able To Be Found, Even If I Was The Only One To Ever Look For It.

I Never Really Know What I'm Going To Write Next Until It Comes To Me. So We'll Just Have To See What Happens.

I Listened For The Voice I Knew So Well, The One I Always Heard At The Beginning. Good Girl, Macy! You're Doing Great! You Know The First Steps Are The Hardest Part! They Were. Sometimes I Felt So Out Of Sync, It Was All Could Do Not To Quit After A Few Strides. But I Kept On, As I Did Now. I Had To, To Get To The Next Part, This Part, Where I Finally Caught Up With Wes, My Shadow Aligning Itself With His, An Dhe Turned To Look At Me, Pushing His Hair Our Of His Eyes.

My Sister, Who Never Understood Most Of The Things I Wanted Her To, Might Have Been Able To Understand What Had Happened To Me In This Summer Of Weddings And Beginnings. And She Was Right. The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

The Health Of The People I Love Is All That Really Matters In This World. Period.

Hey, Think Fast!' I Just Looked At Fave As He Chucked The Basketball At Me With Possibly The Worst Overhand Throw I'd Ever Seen. It Landed To My Far Right, Then Bounced Past Me, Banging Against My Dad's Truck. 'do You Have A Vision Problem Of Something?' I Asked Him. 'just Keeping You On Your Toes,' He Replied

As I Stepped Out To Face Myself In The Mirror, Reaching A Hand To Smooth Away The Steam, I Saw Myself Differently. It Was As If I Had Grown Again As I Slept, But This Time Just To Fit My Own Size. As If My Soul Had Expanded, Filling Out The Gaps Of The Height That Had Burdened Me All These Months. Like A Balloon Filling Slowly With Air, Becoming All Smooth And Buoyant, I Felt Like I Finally Fit Within Myself, Edge To Edge, Every Crevice Filled.

Hey, And For What It's Worth? Friends Don't Leave You Alone In The Woods. Friends Are The Ones Who Come And Take You Out.

I Eased Back On My Elbows, Tilting My Head Back To Look Up At The Sky, Which Was Pinkish, Streaked With Red. This Was The Time We Knew Best, That Stretch Of Day Going From Dusk To Dark. It Seemed Like We Were Always Waiting For Nighttime Here. I Could Feel The Trampoline Easing Up And Down, Moved By Our Own Breathing, Bringing Us In Small Increments Up And Back From The Sky As The Colors Faded, Slowly, And The Stars Began To Show Themselves.

Sometimes, We Just Have To Be Happy With What People Can Offer Us. Even If It's Not What We Want, At Least It's Something.

So This Had Been All I Wanted, A Boy Who Understood How I Felt. Now, Though, I Sometimes Wished For More.

I've Always Written In First Person. It Gives The Readers More Insight.

I Looked At The Sweatshirt Again. "'you Swim' Is A Philosophy?" He Shrugged. "better Than 'you Sink', Right?

Some Things Don't Last Forever, But Some Things Do. Like A Good Song, Or A Good Book, Or A Good Memory You Can Take Out And Unfold In Your Darkest Times, Pressing Down On The Corners And Peering In Close, Hoping You Still Recognize The Person You See There.

The Truth Was I Knew, After All Those Flat January Days, That I Deserved Better. I Deserved I Love Yous And Kiwi Fruits And Warriors Coming To My Door, Besotted With Love. I Deserved Pictures Of My Face In A Thousand Expressions, And The Warmth Of A Baby's Kick Beneath My Hand. I Deserved To Grow, And To Change, To Become All The Girls I Could Be Over The Course Of My Life, Each One Better Than The Last.

Pieces And Parts Were Always Easier To Process. The Full Picture, The Entire Story, Was Another Thing Entirely. But You Just Never Knew. Sometimes, People Could Surprise You.

When I Was In High School, I Was Always Really Envious Of Those Girls Who Seemed To Have Everything: The Perfect Hair, Perfect Clothes, Perfect Boyfriend, Perfect Life. It Wasn't Until I Was Older That I Realized That Nobody's Life Is Perfect, And That Those Girls Probably Had A Lot Of The Same Problems I Did.

The World Is Speaking To You Every Day, You Just Don't Know How To Listen.

You Just Walk Over There And Into The Office And Say, 'hey, Be My Prom Date,'" He Said. "it's That Simple.

You Know, When It Works, Love Is Pretty Amazing. It's Not Overrated. There's A Reason For All Those Songs.

That Was The Thing. You Never Got Used To It, The Idea Of Someone Being Gone. Just When You Think It's Reconciled, Accepted, Someone Points It Out To You, And It Just Hits You All Over Again, That Shocking.

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

There Comes A Point When Things Are Undeniable And Can't Be Hidden Any Longer. Even From Yourself.

But All The Love In The World Won't Save A Sinking Ship. You Have To Either Bail Or Jump Overboard.

I Wondered If Emotions Were Like Menstrual Cycles, If You Get Enough Women Together. Give It Time, And Everyone Was Crying.

It Was A Basic Plot In Any Number Of Her Books: Girl Strikes Out, Makes Good, Finds Love, Gets Revenge. In That Order. The Making Good And Striking Out Part I Liked. The Rest Would Just Be Bonus.

If He'd Been Any Other Boy, And This Was Any Other World, I Would Have Kissed Him. Nothing Could Have Stopped Me.

Like A Word On A Page That You’ve Printed And Read A Million Times, That Suddenly Looks Strange Or Wrong, Foreign. And You Feel Scared For A Second, Like You’ve Lost Something, Even If You’re Not Sure What It Is.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

Get Back On That Bike.

Sometimes, You Get Things Right The First Time. Others, The Second. But The Third Time, They Say, Is The Charm.

He Was The Closest Thing I'd Ever Had To Something, Or Someone, That Mattered. But In The End, Close Didn't Count. You Were Either In, Or You Weren't.

So Much Had Happened That Morning. Yet It Was This Image, This Moment, That I Kept Going Back To Hours Later, After We'd Made It Safely To The Walkway And Gone Our Separate Ways To Classes. How It Felt To Have The World Moving Beneath Me, A Hand Gripping Mine, Knowing If I Fell, At Least I Wouldn't Do It Alone.

The Fate Of Your Heart Is Your Choice And No One Else Gets A Vote

It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again.

What Is Family? They Were The People Who Claimed You. In Good, In Bad, In Parts Or In Whole, They Were The Ones Who Showed Up, Who Stayed In There, Regardless. It Wasn't Just About Blood Relations Or Shared Chromosomes, But Something Wider, Bigger. Cora Was Right - We Had Many Families Over Time. Our Family Of Origion, The Family We Created, As Well As The Gorups You Moved Thorugh While All Of This Was Happening: Friends, Lovers, Sometimes Even Strangers. None Of Them Were Perfect, And We Couldn't Expect Them To Be. You Couldn't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Was To Take What Each Could Give You And Build A World From It.

Usually When I Finish The Draft Of A Book, I'm Sure I'll Never Write Another One. I'm Just That Tired And Sick Of Myself. But Then Another Idea Starts Percolating. It Usually Begins With The Narrator's Name, Then Some Idea That Intrigues Me About Her Life Or Situation. I Try To Ignore It As Long As I Can, Because I Know When I Start Writing, I'll Be Right Back Into It, Every Single Day. But Eventually, I Just Have To. It's A Compulsion!

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Martin Van Creveld

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