Background Image

...

I Wasn't Sure What I Expected Her To Do Or Say To This. It Was All New To Me From That Second On. But Clearly, She'd Been There Before. It Was Obvious In The Easy Way She Shrugged Off Her Bag, Letting It Fall With A Thump Onto The Sand, Before Sitting Down Beside Me. She Didn't Pull Me Close For A Big Bonding Hug Or Offer Up Some Saccharine Words Of Comfort, Both Of Which Would Have Sent Me Running For Sure. Instead She Gave Me Nothing But Her Company, Realizing Even Before I Did This That This, In Fact, Was Just What I Needed.

-Sarah Dessen

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Wasn't Sure What

Sarah Dessen

...

I Wasn't Sure What I Expected Her To Do Or Say To This. It Was All New To Me From That Second On. But Clearly, She'd Been There Before. It Was Obvious In The Easy Way She Shrugged Off Her Bag, Letting It Fall With A Thump Onto The Sand, Before Sitting Down Beside Me. She Didn't Pull Me Close For A Big Bonding Hug Or Offer Up Some Saccharine Words Of Comfort, Both Of Which Would Have Sent Me Running For Sure. Instead She Gave Me Nothing But Her Company, Realizing Even Before I Did This That This, In Fact, Was Just What I Needed.

Views: 7

Topic

More From Sarah Dessen

You Knew The Truth All Along, Colie. That's All Matters. You Knew.

It Is Kind Of Hard To Hold A Lot In. But For Me… It’s Sometimes Even Harder To Let It Out.

I Bet You Can't Eat Ten Bananas!" "i Bet You're Right.

I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On. Maybe It Had Seen Places You Never Had, Been Rerouted And Passed Through So Many Strange Hands, But Still Somehow Found Its Way Back To You, All Before The Day Even Began.

The Way I See It," She Continued, "is That Some Things Are Just Meant To Be The Way They Are.

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

That Was The Thing: Once, The Difference Between Light And Dark Had Been Basic. One Was Good, One Bad. Suddenly, Though, Things Weren’t So Clear. The Dark Was Still A Mystery, Something Hidden, Something To Be Scared Of, But I’d Come To Fear The Light, Too. It Was Where Everything Was Revealed, Or Seemed To Be. Eyes Closed, I Saw Only The Blackness, Reminding Me Of This One Thing, The Most Deep Of My Secrets; Eyes Open, There Was Only The World That Didn’t Know It, Bright, Inescapable, And Somehow, Still There.

N The Dark Everyone Felt The Same: The Edges Blurred. When I Think Of Myself Then, What I Was Like Two Years Ago, I Feel Like A Wound In A Bad Place, Prone To Be Bumped On Corners Or Edges. Never Able To Heal.

I Am Coming To Terms With The Fact That Loving Someone Requires A Leap Of Faith, And That A Soft Landing Is Never Guaranteed.

I Really Just Love To Read, Period, Whether It Be Books Or Magazines Or The Back Of The Cereal Box. It's The One Thing I Can Always Count On To Calm Me Down, Take Me Away And Inspire Me, All At Once.

…it’s Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

Who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do.

And For One Second, It Was Like I Could Feel The Timing Clicking Together, Finally Pieces Falling Into Place.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. It's So Easy In The Past Tense.

Some Things You Don't Have To Tell. Some Things, Between Sisters, Are Understood.

...you Can't Unlearn Something, Even If You Want To. You Know What You Know.

At The Same Time, Though, I Was Beginning To Wonder If This Was Just How It Was Supposed To Be For Me, Like Perhaps I Wasn't Capable Of Having That Many People In My Life At Any One Time. My Mom Turned Up, Nate Walked Away, One Door Opening As Another Clicked Shut.

"it's Gonna Be Okay," I Said. It Was The First Time In A Long Time That I Believed It. "it Will."

And That Was It; It Was So Easy For Her. My Own Memories Did Not Even Belong To Me. But I Knew She Was Wrong. I Had Seen That Comet. I Knew It As Well As I Knew My Own Face, My Own Hands. My Own Heart.

I Feel Like Twitter Was Tailor-made For Me, Because I Can Do Short Spurts All Day Long. I Loved My Blog, But Doing Daily, Then Thrice Weekly Entries Was Really Time Consuming. 140 Characters Is Perfect.

You Asked Me To Go Out With You. I Know You Probably Changed Your Mind. But You Should Know, The Answer Was Yes. It's Always Been Yes When It Comes To You.

Total Commitment. You Know, The Idea Of Discovering Something That, For All Intents And Purposes, Goes Against Your Abilities, And Yet Still Deciding To Do It Anyway. That Takes Guts, You Know?

One Word Could Change The Whole World

When Someone Starts To Change, And It’s Obvious, It's Sort Of Natural To Wonder Why. Right?

We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

Well, It's True That I Have Been Hurt In My Life. Quite A Bit. But It's Also True That I Have Loved, And Been Loved. And That Carries A Weight Of Its Own. A Greater Weight, In My Opinion. It's Like That Pie Chart We Talked About Earlier. In The End, I'll Look Back On My Life And See That The Greatest Piece Of It Was Love. The Problems, The Divorces, The Sadness... Those Will Be There Too, But Just Smaller Slivers, Tiny Pieces.

Each Time, I Think I'm Never Going To Write Another Book. It Never Gets Easier.

It's A Great Compliment That People Think They're Fast Reads. It's Always Funny To Me Because It Takes So Long To Get A Book (written) -- For Me, It's Never Quick.

I Used To Worry I Was Entirely Uninteresting, But The Truth Is I Think If My Life Was More Exciting I'd Never Have Any Time To Write.

This Lullaby Is Only A Few Words, A Simple Run Of Chords, Quiet Here In This Spare Room, But You Can Hear It, Hear It, Wherever You May Go, Even If I Let You Down, This Lullaby Plays On.

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

I Like Flaws. I Think They Make Things Interesting.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect.

An Empty Frame, In Which The Picture Is Always Changing, Makes A Statement About How Time Is Always Passing. It Doesn't Really Stop, Even In A Single Image. I T Just Feels That Way.

My Point Is, There Are A Lot Of People In The World. No One Ever Sees Everything The Same Way You Do; It Just Doesn't Happen. So When You Find One Person Who Gets A Couple Of Things, Especially If They're Important Ones... You Might As Well Hold On To Them. You Know?

Individual Differences

This Is Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

And So, While The Rest Of The World Went On Unaware, Drinking Their Coffee, Reading The Sports Page, And Picking Up Their Dry Cleaning, I Leaned Forward And Kissed Dexter, Making A Choice That Would Change Everything. Maybe Somewhere There Was A Ripple, A Bit Of Jump, Some Small Shift In The Universe, Barely Noticeable. I Didn’t Feel It Then. I Felt Only Him Kissing Me Back, Easing Me Into The Sunlight As I Lost Myself In The Taste Of Him And Felt The World Go On, Just As It Always Had, All Around Us.

This Is What Daughters Did. They Left, And Came Home Later With Lives Of Their Own.

But There Was Something I Liked About The Idea Of Those Seeds Buried So Deep Having At Least A Chance To Emerge

But I Saw Blake Earlier And He Said He And Nate Were Taking Off For An Overnight Business Thing. So..." "... You're Just Going To Jump Their Fence And Their Pool," I Finished For Her. Silence. Then Jamie Said, "it's Twenty-five Degrees! In December! Do You Know What This Means?" "the Apocalypse?

He Was The Closest Thing I'd Ever Had To Something, Or Someone, That Mattered. But In The End, Close Didn't Count. You Were Either In, Or You Weren't.

As I Rolled Over, Stretching Out, My Only Thought Was To Go Back To The Dream I'd Been Having, Which I Couldn't Remember, Other Than That It Had Been Good, In That Distant, Hopeful Way Unreal Things Can Be.

I Would Miss Colby, But It Wasn't Going Anywhere. All The More Reason Why I Should.

Growing Up Means :propelling Yourself Forward Into Whatever Lies Ahead, One Turn Of The Wheel At A Time.

What," I Said, "is That A Crime Here Or Something? Like Only Buying One Thing At The Gas/gro?

Everyone Has Their Weak Spot. The One Thing That, Despite Your Best Efforts, Will Always Bring You To Your Knees, Regardless Of How Strong You Are Otherwise.

And Always Remember How Much Your Crazy Sister Loves You.

I Looked At The Sweatshirt Again. "'you Swim' Is A Philosophy?" He Shrugged. "better Than 'you Sink', Right?

So Say I’m Your Mom.' 'what?' I Said. 'i’m Your Mom,' He Repeated. 'now Tell Me You Want To Quit Modeling.' I Could Feel Myself Blushing. 'i Can’t Do That,' I Said. 'why Not?' He Asked. 'is It So Hard To Believe? You Think I’m Not A Good Role-player?' 'no,' I Said. 'it’s Just–' 'because I Am. Everyone Wanted Me To Be Their Mother In Group.' I Just Looked At Him. 'i Just… It’s Weird.' 'no, It’s Hard. But Not Impossible. Just Try It.' A Week Earlier, I Hadn’t Even Known What Color His Eyes Were. Now, We Were Family. At Least Temporarily.

He Was Looking At Me, Jsut As I'd Thought He Would Be, But Like Bert's, His Light Was Not What I Expected. No Pity, No Sadness: Nothing Had Changed. I Realized All The Times I'd Felt People Stare At Me, Their Faces Had Been Pictures, Abstracts. None Of Them Were Mirrors, Able To Reflect Back The Expression I Thought One I Wore, The Feelings Only I Felt.

It Was Like Those Songs I'd Heard As A Child, Each So Familiar, And All Mine. When I Got Older And Realized The Words Were Sad, The Stories Tragic, It Didn't Make Me Love Them Any Less. By Then They Were Already Part Of Me, Woven Into My Conciousness & Memory

It Was Just Perfect, Just Right All At Once.

I Didn't Want To Talk About What Happened, So It Seemed Safest Not To Talk At All.

You Can't Love Anyone That Way More Than Once In A Lifetime. It's Too Hard And It Hurts Too Much When It Ends. The First Boy Is Always The Hardest To Get Over, Haven. It's Just The Way The World Works.

Because This Is What Happens When You Try To Run From The Past. It Just Doesn’t Catch Up, It Overtakes … Blotting Out The Future.

Music Is A Total Constant. That's Why We Have Such A Strong Visceral Connection To It, You Know? Because A Song Can Take You Back Instantly To A Moment, Or A Place, Or Even A Person. No Matter What Else Has Changed In Your Or The World, That One Song Says The Same, Just Like That Moment.

Maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

That's Not A Real Answer.' Says Who?' Says Me. I Mean Real Fear, Like Of Failure, Of Death, Of Regret. Like That. Something That Keeps You Awake Nights, Questioning Your Very Existence.' Clowns.

I'm Sorry," I Heard Him Say Again. Then, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye, I Saw A Sudden Blur Of Movement As He Slid Out Of His Seat, Left Some Bills For The Breakfast He Wouldn't Eat, And Walked Away. And As He Did, I Thought Again Of Those Mornings In The Hallway At School, Way Back In Ninth Grade. Everything Had Started In Such Sharp Detail, Each Aspect Pronounced And Clear. Obviously, Endings Were Different. Harder To See, Full Of Shapes That Could Be One Thing Or Another, With All The Things That You Were Once So Sure Of Suddenly Not Familiar, If They Were Even Recognizable At All.

It Shouldn't Be Easy To Be Amazing. Then Everything Would Be. It's The Things You Fight For And Struggle With Before Earning That Have The Greatest Worth. When Something's Difficult To Come By, You'll Do That Much More To Make Sure It's Even Harder ― Or Impossible ― To Lose.

I Didn't Want To Leave Things The Way We Had, Unresolved, ... And Tried To Tell Myself He Cared About Me Enough Not To Look Elsewhere For What I Wasn't Giving Him.

Stop It. Seriously. This Isn't Funny.' 'you're Right.' A Pause. 'it's Pathetic.

Sometimes Things Don't Turn Out The Way You Want Them To, Haven. Sometimes The People You Choose To Believe Are Wrong.

But You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like You’re Saying No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

You Know, Feeling And Action Are Always Linked, One Can't Exist Without The Other. It's Sort Of A Hippie Thing.

Don't Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

Maybe If I'd Agreed To Do The Debutante Thing Like She Wanted. Or Taken Up Pageants Instead Of Riding Jump Bikes With A Bunch Of Grungy Boys. I'd Always Tell Her, Why Can't I Do Both? Who Says You Have To Be Either Smart Or Pretty, Or Into Girly Stuff Or Sports? Life Shouldn't Be About The Either/or. We're Capable Of More Than That, You Know?

Then What Are You Like, Annabel?" He Shot Back. "a Liar, Like You Told Me That First Day? Come On. That Was The Biggest Lie Of All.

I Realized How Truly Hard It Was, Really, To See Someone You Love Change Right Before Your Eyes. Not Only Is It Scary, It Throws Your Balance Off As Well.

In Midair, Dangling Lost Above The World.

You Know, I Think I Knew You For About Three Weeks Before I Ever Really Saw You Smile. And Then One Day, Morgan Said Something And You Laughed, And I Remember Thinking It Was Really Cool Because It Meant Something. You're Not The Kind Of Person Who Smiles For Nothing, Colie. I Have To Earn Every One.

Suddenly, I Was Just Sure He Was Going To Kiss Me. He Was There, I Could Feel His Breath, The Ground Solid Beneath Us. But Then Something Crossed His Face, A Thought, A Hesitation, And He Shifted Slightly. Not Now. Not Yet. It Was Something I'd Done So Often - Weighing What I Could Afford To Risk, Right At That Moment - That I Recognized It Instantly. It Was Like Looking In A Mirror.

It Didn't Make You Noble To Step Away From Something That Wasn't Working, Even If You Thought You Were The Reason For The Malfunction. Especially Then. It Just Made You A Quitter. Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

But For Now, I Just Sat There On The Bed And Listened To My Song. The One That Had Been Written For Me By A Man Who Knew Me Not At All, Now Sung By The One Who Knew Me Best.

It Takes So Little To Change Everything. If You Really Thought About It, It Would Scare You To Death.

I Was Bored. Sad. Lonely. It Was Only A Matter Of Time Before I Cracked.

Morris Was Not The Type To Offer A Hug Or Even Hold Your Hand. But There Was Something In His Quiet Indignation At The Universe Then--and Luke, Now--that Was Just The Kind Of Comfort I Needed. "i'm Such A Mess," I Said. "we're Almost Off The Island And I Didn't Even Ask You Where You Were Going." He Shrugged. "no Place. Wherever You Are.

I Just Do The Best I Can Under The Circumstances.

And That Was It. All This Buildup To A Great Leap, And I Didn't Fall Or Fly. Instead I Found Myself Back On The Edge Of The Cliff, Blinking, Wondering If I'd Ever Jumped At All. It's Not Supposed To Be Like This.

The Point,' Ms. Conyers Continued, "is That No Word Had One Specific Definition. Maybe In The Dictionary, But Not In Real Life.

It's Not Always Easy Being Her Daughter.' I Think,' She Said, 'sometimes It's Hard No Matter Whose Daughter You Are.

I Honestly Don't Have Many Creative Outlets. I'm Not Crafty - Although Motherhood Has Forced Me To Try To Be - And I Can Only Draw Trees, Beaches, And Clouds. I'm A So-so Cook Except For Deviled Eggs. Writing Has Always Been The One Thing I Feel That I Am Pretty Good At Doing. But It's Enough, Thank Goodness.

The True Story...is The Realization That No Time In Your Life Is Ever Perfect, That Even The Best Memories Have Cracks You Might Not See.

She Was So Emotional, On The Verge Of Tears. This Was What I'd Wanted To Prevent With All Those Quick Disappearances, The Tangledness Of Farewells And All The Baggage They Brought With Them. But Now, Looking At Deb, I Realized What Else I'd Given Up: Knowing For Sure That Someone Was Going To Miss Me. What Happened To Goodbye, Michael In Westcott Had Written On My Ume.com Page. I Was Pretty Sure I Knew, Now. It Had Been Packed Away In A Box Of Its Own, Trying To Be Forgotten, Until I Really Needed It. Until Now.

I Wasn’t Ready To Think About The Other Yet: That It Wasn’t That I Wasn’t Right For Macon, But That Maybe He Wasn’t Right For Me. There Was A Difference. Even For Someone Who Things Didn’t Come Easy For, Someone Like Me.

But The Original Was There As Well—more Jaded And Rudimentary, Functional Rather Than Romantic. It Fit Not Just The Yellow House But Another Door, Deep Within My Own Heart. One That Had Been Locked So Tight For So Long That I Was Afraid To Even Try It For Fear Of What Might Be On The Other Side

I Listened For The Voice I Knew So Well, The One I Always Heard At The Beginning. Good Girl, Macy! You're Doing Great! You Know The First Steps Are The Hardest Part! They Were. Sometimes I Felt So Out Of Sync, It Was All Could Do Not To Quit After A Few Strides. But I Kept On, As I Did Now. I Had To, To Get To The Next Part, This Part, Where I Finally Caught Up With Wes, My Shadow Aligning Itself With His, An Dhe Turned To Look At Me, Pushing His Hair Our Of His Eyes.

And I Felt A Sudden Whirl In My Head, Knowing This Leap Was Inevitable, That I Wasn't Just Standing On The Cliff, Toes Poking Over, But Already In Mid-air.

Everyone Had A Forever.

There's A Kind Of Radar That You Get, After Years Of Being Talked About And Made Fun Of By Other People. You Can Almost Smell It When It's About To Happen, Can Recognize Instantly The Sound Of A Hushed Voice, Lowered Just Enough To Make Whatever Is Said Okay. I Had Only Been In Colby For A Few Weeks. But I Had Not Forgotten.

Let's Just Start And See What Happens.

Mayonnaise Is A Lot Like Men, It Can Make Everything Much Better, Adding Flavor And Ease To Your Life. Or, It Can Just Be Sticky And Gross And Make You Nauseous"- "keeping The Moon

Love Is So Unpredictable. Sometimes You'll Know A Man For Years And Then One Day, Boom! Suddenly You See Him In A Different Way. And Other Times, It's That First Date, That First Moment. That's What Makes It So Great.

You Can't Love Anyone That Way More Than Once In A Lifetime. It's Too Hard And It Hurts Too Much When It Ends.

Once In A Lifetime

When I Pictured Myself, It Was Always Like Just An Outline In A Colouring Book, With The Inside Not Yet Completed.

I Mean, It's Not Surprising, Really. Once You Love Something, You Always Love It In Some Way. You Have To. It's, Like, Part Of You For Good.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

Listen,"kristy Said," The Truth Is,nothing Is Guranteed. You Know Better Than Anybody." She Looked At Me Hard,making Sure I Knew What She Meant.i Did."so Don't Be Afraid.be Alive.

It's A Choice, Annabel. And If You Make The Wrong One, You Have Only Yourself To Blame When There Are Consequences.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

It Was As Familiar To Me As A Song I'd Been Hearing My Whole Life, Covered By Various People But The Basic Tune The Same.

I Know You Guys Have Some Sort Of Weird Thing Going On, With That Game You Play And Everything—" "it's Called A Friendship.

Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

I Didn't Trot My Pain Out To Show Around. I Kept It Better Hidden Than Anyone. I Did.

Says The Girl With No Thyme.

If You Try Anything, If You Try To Lose Weight, Or To Improve Yourself, Or To Love, Or To Make The World A Better Place, You Have Already Achieved Something Wonderful, Before You Even Begin. Forget Failure. If Things Don't Work Out The Way You Want, Hold Your Head Up High And Be Proud. And Try Again. And Again. And Again!

The Lizard Stared Up At Us, And We Stared Back, Taking Each Other In. He Was Little And Defenseless, I Felt Sorry For Him Already. This Was A Screwed-up Place He'd Just Come Into. But He Didn't Have To Know That. Not Yet, Anyway. There In That Room, Where It Was Hot And Cramped, The World Probably Still Seemed Small Enough To Manage.

I Think Having A Good Agent Is Key. I've Been With Mine For Ten Years Now, And She's Very Honest With Me. There Are A Lot Of Times I've Sent Her Books That Were Not So Good Because I Was Tired Of Writing, Or Panicked About Money, And She's Told Me Flat Out, "you Don't Want This To Be Your Next Book. Trust Me."

I'm Always Hopeful. I Feel Like I'm At The Prom Sitting Against The Wall Waiting For Someone To Ask Me To Dance.

Welcome To Adulthood," She Said. "it Sucks As Much As High School.

Like It Takes So Little Not Only To Change Something, But To Make You Forget The Way It Once Was, As Well.

Looking Back, It Seemed Like It Should Have Been Harder To Lose Someone, Or Have Them Lose You, Especially When They Were In The Same State, Only A Few Towns Over.

Looking At Her, I Thought Again How Beautiful She Was - Even In Jeans And A T-shirt, No Makeup, She Was Breathtaking. So Much So That It Was Hard To Believe She Could Ever Have Looked At Herself And Seen Anything Else.

Clearly, Sharing Something Could Take You A Long Way, Or At Least To A Different Place Than You'd Planned. Like A Friendship Or A Family, Or Even Jsut Alone On A Curb On A Saturday, Trying To Get Your Bearings As Best You Can.

Nate: “and,” He Said, “boys At Twelve Aren’t Exactly Slick With The Ladies.” Ruby: “’slick With The Ladies’?” I Said. “are You Twelve?

I Had No Illusions About Love Anymore. It Came, It Went, It Left Casualties Or It Didn't. People Weren't Meant To Be Together Forever, Regardless Of What The Songs Say.

In Those First Few Hours Officially Single Again The World Seems Like It Expands, Suddenly Bigger And More Vast Now That You Have To Get Through It Alone.

This Was Just One Night, One Chance To Vary And See Where It Took Me. The Fireflies Were Probably Already Out: Maybe It Wasn’t Just A Season Or A Time But A Whole World I’d Forgotten. I’d Never Know Until I Stepped Out Into It. So I Did.

Odd How It Was So Easy For A Stranger To Assume Such Familiarity. Especially When Those Who Were Supposed To Know You Best Often Didn't, Not At All.

Not Everything's Perfect, Especially In The Beginning. And Its All Right To Have A Little Bit Of Regret Every Once In A While. It's When You Feel It All The Time And Can't Do Anything About It... That's When You Get Into Trouble

Very Quietly, I Heard A Voice In My Ear.it Said, In A Weird, Cheesy, Right-out-of-one-of-my-mother's-novels Way, "ah. Wemeet Again." I Turned My Head, Just Slightly, And Right There, Practically On Top Of Me, Was Theguy From The Car Dealership. He Was Wearing A Red Mountain Fresh Detergent T-shirt - Not Just Fresh: Mountain Fresh! - It Proclaimed, And Was Smiling At Me. "oh,god," I Said. "no, It's Dexter.

Usually When I Finish The Draft Of A Book, I'm Sure I'll Never Write Another One. I'm Just That Tired And Sick Of Myself. But Then Another Idea Starts Percolating. It Usually Begins With The Narrator's Name, Then Some Idea That Intrigues Me About Her Life Or Situation. I Try To Ignore It As Long As I Can, Because I Know When I Start Writing, I'll Be Right Back Into It, Every Single Day. But Eventually, I Just Have To. It's A Compulsion!

I'd Chosen Instead To Just Change My Route, Go Miles Out Of The Way, As If Avoiding It Would Make It Go Away Once And For All.

Right Now, Though, I Wanted Not To Think Forward Or Backward, But Only To Lose Myself In The Words.

If You Have Just One Person Believe In You, You'll Always Find Your Way

I Couldn't Imagine What It Would Be Like To Be One Of So Many, To Have Not Just Parents And Siblings But Cousins And Aunts And Uncles, An Entire Tribe To Claim As Your Own. Maybe You Would Feel Lost In The Crowd. Or Sheltered By It. Whatever The Case, One Things Was For Sure: Like It Or Not, You'd Never Be Alone.

Whenever You Made A Choice, Especially One You'd Been Resisting, It Always Affected Everything Else, Some In Big Ways, Like A Tremor Beneath Your Feet, Others In So Tiny A Shift You Hardly Noticed A Change At All. But It Was Happening.

Forgiveness Is Hard. Acceptance Is Doable.

You Can Never Be Sure Of Anyone Until You're Close Enough To See Them Clearly.

As Impossible, In Fact, As Keeping The Moon... So I Looked Down The Line At All My Friends, Knowing I Would Always Remember This. And Then I Turned My Gaze Back Up To The Sky, And Put My Faith In That Moon And Its Return.

So I Left Him There Alone To Watch History Repeat The Same Events Retold Again And Again On His Own.

Repeating History

It's So Easy To Get Caught Up In What People Expect Of You. Sometimes, You Can Just Lose Yourself.

Losing Yourself

That Was The Thing About Being On The Inside: The World Was Just Going On, Even When It Seemed Like Time For You Had Stopped For Good.

I've Found In My Own Life That If My Writing Isn't Going Well, Not Much Else Will. It Is The One Constant, The Key To Everything Else.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

I Wondered If He Ever Thought Of Me, And Hated The Pang I Felt When I Told Myself He Didn't.

Society. The Same Society, I Might Add, That Dictates That Little Girls Should Always Be Sugar And Spice And Everything Nice, Which Encourages Them Not To Be Assertive. And That, In Turn, Then Leads To Low Self-esteem, Which Can Lead To Eating Disorders And Increased Tolerance And Acceptance Of Domestic, Sexual, And Substance Abuse." "you Get All That From A Pink Onesie?" Leah Said After A Moment.

Now I Felt Like I Was Drifting, Sucked Down By An Undertow, And Too Far Out To Swim Back To The Shore.

All You Could Do Was Take On As Much Weight As You Can Bear. And If You're Lucky, There's Someone Close Enough By To Shoulder The Rest.

Best Friends. And I Thought Of What She Had Done All The Millions Of Times I Cried To Her, Collapsing At Even The Slightest Wounding Of My Heart Or Pride. So I Reached Over And Pulled Her To Me, Wrapping My Arms Around Her, And Held My Best Friend Close, Returning So Many Favors All At Once.

You Can't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Is To Take What Each Can Give You And Build A World From It.

A Lot Can Change Between Planning Something And Actually Doing It. But Maybe All That Really Matters Is That Anything Is Different At All.

I Don't Believe In Failure, Because Simply By Saying You've Failed, You've Admitted You Attempted. And Anyone Who Attempts Is Not A Failure. Those Who Truly Fail In My Eyes Are The Ones Who Never Try At All. The Ones Who Sit On The Couch And Whine And Moan And Wait For The World To Change For Them.

Wes Wants To Be With Macy. And Macy, Whether She'll Admit It Or Not, Wants To Be With Wes. And Yet They're Not Together, Which Is Not Only Unjust, But When You Think About It, Tragical!

Maybe We Were All Destined To Just Keep Doing The Same Stupid Things, Over And Over Again, Never Really Learning A Single Thing.

I Jammed My Hand In My Jacket Pocket, Bracing Myself Fo The Next Hit, And Fel Something. Something Grainy And Samll, Sticking To The Tips Of My Fingers: The Sand From Commons Park. Oh Cass, I Thought. I Miss You So, So Much.

She Knew I Could Tell With One Glance, One Look, One Simple Instant. It Was Her Eyes. Despite The Thick Makeup, They Were Still Dark-rimmed., Haunted, And Sad. Most Of All Though, They Were Familiar. The Fact That We Were In Front Of Hundreds Of Strangers Changed Nothing At All. I'd Spent A Summer With Those Same Eyes-scared, Lost, Confused-staring Back At Me. I Would Have Known Them Anywhere.

Editing Is Hard But Nowhere Near As Tough As Facing That Blank Page And Blinking Cursor Each Day. You're All Alone And No One Else Can Do It. At Least With Editing You Have Someone In The Trench With You.

And She Was Good To Me: Strong, Fun, And Fiercely Loyal. And If I Didn't Have Many Other Friends Because Of Her-most Girls Were Intimidated By Her Looks, Or Thought She Was Too Pushy, Or Just Flat-out Feared For Their Boyfriends-it Never Bothered Me. I Never Missed Having A Wide, Thick Circle Of Girlfriends: Rina Was More Than Enough. We Were Comfortable With Each Other's Flaws And Weaknesses, So We Stuck Together And Kept To Ourselves.

When You've Never Gotten Love From Someone, You Don't Know What It Might Look Like If It Ever Does Appear. You Look For It In Everything: Any Bright Light Overhead Could Be A Star.

If You Didn't Love Him, This Never Would Have Happened. But You Did. And Accepting That Love And Everything That Followed It Is Part Of Letting It Go.

The First Boy Was Always The Hardest.

The Chances We Take, Knowing No Better Than To Fall Or To Stand Back And Hold Ourselves In... Protecting Our Hearts With The Tightest Of Grips.

And Guys Don't Get Attached, Guys Don't Give Themselves Over Completely, And Guys Lie. That's Why They Should Be Handled With Great Trepidation, Not Trusted, And Held At Arm's Length Whenever Possible.

If There Was A Way To Recognize Something You'd Never Seen But Still Knew By Heart, I Felt It As I Looked At His Face. Finally, Someone Understood.

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

As For Me, I Was Just Trying To Get It Right, Whatever That Means. But Now I Finally Felt I Was On My Way. Everyone Had A Forever, But Given A Choice, This Would Be Mine. The One That Began In This Moment, With Wes, In A Kiss That Took My Breath Away, Then Gave It Back - Leaving Meastounded, Amazed And Most Of All, Alive.

Sure, There Was No Guarantee Any Of These Things Would Actually Happen As He Envisioned. But Maybe That Wasn‟t The Point.it Was The Planning That Counted, Whether It Ever Came To Fruition Or Not.

I Think If You're Going To Show A True Representation Of Any One Life, It Can't Be About Any One Thing. I Try To See More Of A Full Picture, With The Romance Just A Single Part.

It's Not Forever', She'd Said, But To My Mother, It Might As Well Have Been. She Had Make Her Choice, And This Was It, Where She Felt Safe, In A World She Could, For The Most Part, Control.

Conciseness Is Underrated

I Had Stepped Into His Arms, Showing Him My Raw, Broken Heart.

There Was No Short Answer To This; Like So Much Else, It Was A Long Story. But What Really Makes Any Story Real Is Knowing Someone Will Hear It. And Understand.

“in Truth,” I Said, “there Are No Rules Other Than You Have To Tell The Truth.” “how Do You Win?” He Asked. “that,” I Said, “is Such A Boy Question.

Telling The Truth

I Drove Off, With My Friends Watching Me Go, All Of Them Grouped On Lissa's Hood. As I Pulled Onto The Road, I Glanced Into The Rearview And Saw Them: They Were Waving, Hands Moving Through The Air, Their Voices Loud, Calling Out After Me. The Square Of That Mirror Was Like A Frame, Holding This Picture Of Them Saying Good-bye, Pushing Me Forward, Before Shifting Gently Out Of Sight, Inch By Fluid Inch, As I Turned Away.

I Reached Up With My Finger And Traced The Scar Over My Eyebrow, Remembering When That Was The Greatest Hurt I'd Ever Known.

She Bought Seeds And Raided Nurseries And Mulched And Composted And Spent Full Days With Her Hands Full Of Earth, Coaxing Life Our Of The Dry, Dull Grass My Father Had Spent Years Pushing A Mower Over.

It Was Hard To Remember What The Yard Had Looked Like Even Twelve Hours Before, Undisturbed And Pristine. Like It Takes So Little To Change Something, But To Make You Forget The Way It Once Was, As Well.

Instead, We Just Sat There, Together But Really Apart, Watching A Show About A Stranger And All Her Secrets, While Keeping Our Own To Ourselves, As Always.

What Is Family? They Were The People Who Claimed You. In Good, In Bad, In Parts Or In Whole, They Were The Ones Who Showed Up, Who Stayed In There, Regardless. It Wasn't Just About Blood Relations Or Shared Chromosomes, But Something Wider, Bigger. Cora Was Right - We Had Many Families Over Time. Our Family Of Origion, The Family We Created, As Well As The Gorups You Moved Thorugh While All Of This Was Happening: Friends, Lovers, Sometimes Even Strangers. None Of Them Were Perfect, And We Couldn't Expect Them To Be. You Couldn't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Was To Take What Each Could Give You And Build A World From It.

The Thing Is I'm A Great Believer In The Perfect Moment. They Don't Come Around That Often.

We Didn't Talk About Our Scars, The Ones You Could See And The Ones You Couldn't.

She Smiled, Pulling The Photo A Little Closer, And I Wondered If I Should Ask Her, Too, The Question For My Project, Get Her Definition. But As She Ran A Finger Slowly Across The Faces, Identifying Each One, It Occurred To Me That Maybe This Was Her Answer. All Those Names, Strung Together Like Beads On A Chain. Coming Together, Splitting Apart, But Still And Always, A Family. (page 289) ~ruby

Sometimes, You Get Things Right The First Time. Others, The Second. But The Third Time, They Say, Is The Charm.

It's Hard To Do," I Said. Wes Looked At Me. "what Is?" I Swallowed, Not Sure Why I'd Said This Out Loud. "get It Right.

Yeah. I Mean, Acknowledging Is Easy. Something Happened Or It Didn't. But Understanding... That's Where Things Get Sticky.

You Should Have Seen Your Face," She Said, Her Breath Hot In My Ear. "sa-woooon.

Being Brave And Self-confident Doesn't Necessarily Start Inside...it Starts With The Rest Of The World, And It Leads Back To You.

It's Always Been Hard To Call Myself A Writer. I Think A Part Of Me Still Thinks It's Too Good To Be True.

Too Good To Be True

At Every Wedding Someone Stays Home.

I Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly— She'd Already Had A Couple Of Mini Bottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

This Is The Problem With Dealing With Someone Who Is Actually A Good Listener. They Don’t Jump In On Your Sentences, Saving You From Actually Finishing Them, Or Talk Over You, Allowing What You Do Manage To Get Out To Be Lost Or Altered In Transit. Instead, They Wait, So You Have To Keep Going.

The Choices You Make Now, The People You Surround Yourself With, They All Have The Potential To Affect Your Life, Even Who You Are, Forever.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect. If You Didn’t Want To Break A Sweat, There Was No Point In Even Bothering.

Because The Truth Sometimes Hurts," I Said. Yeah," He Said. "so Do Lies, Though.

Don't Be A Fool. Don't Give Up Something Important To Hold Onto Someone Who Can't Even Say They Love You.

You Can't Just Plan A Moment When Things Get Back On Track, Just As You Can't Plan The Moment You Lose Your Way In The First Place. But Standing There Alone On The Landing, I Thought Of Grandma Halley And How She'd Held Me Close Against Her Lap As We Watched The Sky Together. I'd Always Thought I Couldn't Remember, But Suddenly In That Moment, I Closed My Eyes And Saw The Comet, Finally, Brilliant And Impossible, Stretching Above Me Across The Sky.

The Bottom Line Is, What Defines You Isn't How Many Times You Crash, But The Number Of Times You Get Back On The Bike. As Long As It's One More. You're All Good.

But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening.

Truth About Forever

Some Things Don't Last Forever, But Some Things Do. Like A Good Song, Or A Good Book, Or A Good Memory You Can Take Out And Unfold In Your Darkest Times, Pressing Down On The Corners And Peering In Close, Hoping You Still Recognize The Person You See There.

I Was So Scared About Being Discovered, But Nobody Came. Nobody Heard. In My Own Ears, Though, My Sobs Sounded Primal And Scary, Like Something I Would Have Turned Off If I'd Been Able To.

How It Seemed Like You Could See Everything, But Certain Things Were Blocked Out, Hidden.

I Am Not Breaking My Rules,' I Snapped, Hating That I'd Ended Up On The Advice-recieving End Of Things, Jumping From Dear Remy To Confused In Cincinnati All In One Summer.

Maybe Other Writers Have Perfect First Drafts, But I Am Not One Of Them. I Always Try To Get The Book As Tight As I Can, But You Reach A Point As The Author Where You Have Lost All Perspective.

I Turned And Looked Into The Gas Station, Where Wes Was Now Paying, As The Man Who'd Driven Us Looked On. "that's Too Bad," I Said. "it's Okay, Though," She Assured Me. "someday I'll Show You An Extraordinary Boy, Macy. They Do Exist. You Just Have To Believe Me." "don't Worry," I Said. "i Do.

So It Just Wasn't In My House. Anywhere, I Looked Like I Knew About The Toilet.

And So Really, You Have Given Me No Choice But To Take You Shopping By Force.” She Sighed, Then Reached Up, Dropping Her Sunglasses Down From Their Perch On Her Head To Cover Her Eyes. “do You Even Realize How Happy The Average Teenage Girl Would Be In Your Shoes? I Have A Credit Card. We’re At The Mall. I Want To Buy You Things. It’s Like Adolescent Nirvana.” - Cora

Trending Author

Martin Van Creveld

Category