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Whenever You Made A Choice, Especially One You'd Been Resisting, It Always Affected Everything Else, Some In Big Ways, Like A Tremor Beneath Your Feet, Others In So Tiny A Shift You Hardly Noticed A Change At All. But It Was Happening.

-Sarah Dessen

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Whenever You Made A

Sarah Dessen

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Whenever You Made A Choice, Especially One You'd Been Resisting, It Always Affected Everything Else, Some In Big Ways, Like A Tremor Beneath Your Feet, Others In So Tiny A Shift You Hardly Noticed A Change At All. But It Was Happening.

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I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

I Looked Down Again At The Sign In My Hand - Enjoy The Ride! - And It Seemed, Suddenly, To Be Just That. A Sign.

I Listened For The Voice I Knew So Well, The One I Always Heard At The Beginning. Good Girl, Macy! You're Doing Great! You Know The First Steps Are The Hardest Part! They Were. Sometimes I Felt So Out Of Sync, It Was All Could Do Not To Quit After A Few Strides. But I Kept On, As I Did Now. I Had To, To Get To The Next Part, This Part, Where I Finally Caught Up With Wes, My Shadow Aligning Itself With His, An Dhe Turned To Look At Me, Pushing His Hair Our Of His Eyes.

You Know The Minute You Stop Thinking About It, It'll Happen.

"i Don't Know," I Said. "what Else Did You Do For Your First Eighteen Years?" "like I Said," He Said As I Unlocked The Car, "i'm Not So Sure That You Should Go By My Example." "why Not?" "because I Have My Regrets," He Said. "also, I'm A Guy. And Guys Do Different Stuff." "like Ride Bikes?" I Said. "no," He Replied. "like Have Food Fights. And Break Stuff. And Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches. And..." "girls Can't Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches?" "they Can," He Said... "but They're Smart Enough Not To. That's The Difference."

I Hoped That Grace Would Be A Little Bit Of The Best Of All Of Us: Scarlett's Spirit, And My Mother's Strength, Marion's Determination, And Michael's Sly Humor. I Wasn't Sure What I Could Give, Not Just Yet. But I Would Know When I Told Her About The Comet, Years From Now, I Would Know. And I Would Lean Close To Her Ear, Saying The Words No One Else Could Hear, Explaining It All. The Language Of Solace And Comets, And The Girls We All Become, In The End.

Well, It's True That I Have Been Hurt In My Life. Quite A Bit. But It's Also True That I Have Loved, And Been Loved. And That Carries A Weight Of Its Own. A Greater Weight, In My Opinion. It's Like That Pie Chart We Talked About Earlier. In The End, I'll Look Back On My Life And See That The Greatest Piece Of It Was Love. The Problems, The Divorces, The Sadness... Those Will Be There Too, But Just Smaller Slivers, Tiny Pieces.

You Couldn't Just Pick And Choose At Will When Someone Depended On You, Or Loved You. It Wasn't Like A Light Switch, Easy To Turn On Or Off. If You Were In, You Were In. Out, You Were Out.

We Laughed Ourselves Silly, Taking Back Our Shared Past, Gently, Piece By Piece.

I Never Really Know What I'm Going To Write Next Until It Comes To Me. So We'll Just Have To See What Happens.

Please. She Sighed. 'can't A Girl Have High Standards? I Don't Want An Ordinary Boy.

It's Always Very Pure, That Last Moment Before An Ugly, Unsettling Truth Hits Someone. The Most Stark Of Before-and-afters.

Holding People Away From You, And Denying Yourself Love, That Doesn't Make You Strong. If Anything, It Makes You Weaker. Because You're Doing It Out Of Fear.

There Has To Be A Middle. Without It, Nothing Can Ever Truly Be Whole. Because It Is Not Just The Space Between, But Also What Holds Everything Together.

I Think If You're Going To Show A True Representation Of Any One Life, It Can't Be About Any One Thing. I Try To See More Of A Full Picture, With The Romance Just A Single Part.

I Feel Like Twitter Was Tailor-made For Me, Because I Can Do Short Spurts All Day Long. I Loved My Blog, But Doing Daily, Then Thrice Weekly Entries Was Really Time Consuming. 140 Characters Is Perfect.

I Took In A Breath. "what's The One Thing You'd Do," I Asked. "if You Could Do Anything?" Pass," He Said. For A Second I Was Sure I'd Heard Wrong. "what?" He Cleared His Throat. "i Said, I Pass." Why?" He Turned His Head And Looked At Me. "because." Because Why?" Because I Just Do.

Needing Was So Easy: It Came Naturally, Like Breathing. Being Needed By Someone Else, Though, That Was The Hard Part. But As With Giving Help And Accepting It, We Had To Do Both To Be Made Complete-like Links Overlapping To Form A Chain, Or A Lock Finding The Right Key.

If What You're Asking Is How I Debated Whether Or Not To Love Her The Answer Is I Didn't. Not At All. It Just Happened. I Didn't Ever Question It; By The Time I Realized What Was Happening, It Was Already Done.

I Sat Up, Sliding Them Off, And The Quiet Around Me Did Not, For Once, Seem Empty And Vast. Instead, For The First Time In A While, It Felt Like It Already Was Full.

But Something, Somehow, Had Made All These Paths Converge. You Couldn't Find It On A Checklist, Or Work It Into The Equation. It Just Happened.

Eventually, It Wasn't Even Your Dad I Wanted, Just Anybody. Anybody At All.

If You Didn't Always Have To Choose Between Turning Away For Good Or Rushing In Deeper. In The Moments That It Really Counts, Maybe It's Enough - More Than Enough, Even - Just To Be There.

I Was Worn Out, Broken: He Had Taken Almost Everything. But He'd Been All I'd Had, All This Time. And When The Police Led Him Away, I Pulled Out Of The Hands Of All These Loved One, Sobbing, Screaming, Everything Hurting, To Try And Make Him Stay.

My Point Is You're Different Here. Hollis I've Only Been Here For A Month. A Lot Can Happen In A Month He Replied. Shoot In Two Weeks I Met My Future Wife Changed My Entire Life's Trajectory And Bought My First Tie. You Bought A Tie I Asked. Because Honestly This Was The Most Shocking Part.

I Was Heading Off To My New World. But I Was Taking A Part Of My Past, And The Future, Along With Me For The Ride.

'i Don't Get It,' Caroline Said, Bemused. 'she's The Only One With Wings. Why Is That?'

You Should Have Seen Your Face," She Said, Her Breath Hot In My Ear. "sa-woooon.

When You Can't Save Yourself Or Your Heart, It Helps To Be Able To Save Face.

How Weird Was It That So Many Bits And Pieces, All Diverse, Could Make Something Whole. Something With Potential. 'perfect.

I Spent A Lot Of Time Looking At That Picture. Wondering What I’d Think Of That Girl, If I Was Someone Else, Seeing How Easily She Sits In Her Boyfriend’s Lap, Laughing, With His Arms Around Her. I Would Have Thought Her Life Was Perfect, The Way I Once Thought Cass’s Was. It Was Too Easy, I Was Learning, To Just Assume Things.

Really? Screaming?” He Shrugged. “it Wasn’t That Bad. But There Were Definitely Some Freak-outs On Both Sides. Though, To Be Honest, The Silence Was Worse.” “worse Than Screaming?” I Said. “much,” He Said, Nodding. “i Mean, At Least With An Argument, You Know What’s Happening. Or Have Some Idea. Silence Is… It Could Be Anything. It’s Just –” “so Freaking Loud,” I Finished For Him. He Pointed At Me. “exactly.

Everything Hurt. I Closed My Eyes, Pressing My Cheek To The Street, And Waited. What For, I Didn't Know. To Be Rescued. Or Found. But No One Came. All I'd Ever Thought I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone. Until I Was.

And Like My Dad Always Said, The First Step Is Always The Hardest.

That Was The Thing About Being On The Inside: The World Was Just Going On, Even When It Seemed Like Time For You Had Stopped For Good.

Obviously It Won't All Run Smoothly. But It's Important To Awknowledge That While We May Make Mistakes, In The Long Run, We May Also Learn Fromt Them.

Macon: “it’s True. And If That Doesn’t Work, Use The Jedi Mind Trick. But Only If You Really Have To.” Halley: “the What?” Macon: “the Jedi Mind Trick.” He Looked At Me. “didn’t You Ever See Star Wars?

You Can't Love Anyone That Way More Than Once In A Lifetime. It's Too Hard And It Hurts Too Much When It Ends.

Once In A Lifetime

This Was Just One Night, One Chance To Vary And See Where It Took Me. The Fireflies Were Probably Already Out: Maybe It Wasn’t Just A Season Or A Time But A Whole World I’d Forgotten. I’d Never Know Until I Stepped Out Into It. So I Did.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

Only A Weak Person Needed Someone Else Around All The Time.

She Was Just A Shell Of Her Former Self, Functioning And Talking But Hardly Alive.

I Always Thought I Was Different.

If Something Doesn't Work Exactly Right, Or Maybe Needs Some Special Treatment, You Don't Just Throw It Away. Everything Can't Be Fully Operational All The Time. Sometimes, We Need To Have The Patience To Give Something The Little Nudge It Needs.

Failing Sucks. But It's Better Than The Alternative." "which Is?" "not Even Trying." Now He Did Look At Me, Straight On. "life's Short, You Know?

Whenever Something Great Happens, You’re Always Kind Of Poised For The Universe To Correct Itself.

There's Something Nice About The Silence Of A Car Ride In The Dark, Going Home. When You Were Tired Of The Radio And Conversation, And It Was Okay To Just Be Alone With Your Thoughts And The Road Ahead. If You're That Comfortable With Someone, You Don't Have To Talk.

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

From This Distance, In The Dimness, The Model Looked Surreal, Made Up Of Parts Filled With Buildings, Bordered By Long Stretches Of Empty Space. It Reminded Me Of The Way Cities And Towns Look When You Are Flying At Night. You Can't Make Out Much. But The Places Where People Have Come Together, And Stayed, Are Collections Of Tiny Lights, Breaking Up The Darkness.

The First Thing I Did When I Got Inside Was Turn On The Kitchen Light. Then I Moved To The Table, Putting My Dad's Ipod On The Speaker Dock, And A Bob Dylan Song Came On, The Notes Familiar. I Went Into The Living Room, Hitting The Switch There, Then Down The Hallway To My Room, Where I Did The Same. It Was Amazing What A Little Noise And Brightness Could Do To A House And A Life, How Much The Smallest Bit Of Each Could Change Everything. After All These Years Of Just Passing Through, I Was Beginning To Finally Feel At Home.

I Had Stepped Into His Arms, Showing Him My Raw, Broken Heart.

We Can All Be Beautiful Girls.

My Books Are So Tame!

Even If You Couldn't See It Beneath The Surface, Molecules Were Bonding, Energy Pushing Up Slowly, As Something Worked Do Hare, All Alone To Grow.

I Just Thought To My Self, All Of A Sudden, That We Had Something In Common. A Natural Chemistry, If You Will. And I Had A Feeling That Something Big Was Going To Happen. To Both Of Us. That We Were, In Fact, Meant To Be Together.

All Those Clean, Fresh Starts Had Made Me Forget What It Was Like, Until Now, To Be Messy And Honest And Out Of Control. To Be Real.

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

Conciseness Is Underrated

Instead, We Just Sat There, Together But Really Apart, Watching A Show About A Stranger And All Her Secrets, While Keeping Our Own To Ourselves, As Always.

I Don't Talk About My Books While I'm Writing Them: Not Even My Husband Knows What A Novel's About Until It's Done.

How Fast Were You?" Wes Asked Me. I Said, "not That Fast." "you Mean You Couldn't... Fly?" He Said, Smiling At Me.

I'm Just Writing What I Know. I've Never Been Much Of A Reader Of Fantasy, And I Think You Write What You, Personally, Enjoy Reading.

Fifteen Minutes Later, A Meeting Was Called. "okay, Look." Deb's Face Was Dead Serious. "i Know I Just Joined This Project, And I Don't Want To Offend Anyone. But I'm Going To Be Honest. I Think You've Been Going About This All Wrong." "i'm Offended," Dave Told Her Flatly.

But In The Real World, You Couldnt Really Just Split A Family Down The Middle, Mom On One Side, Dad The Other, With The Child Equally Divided Between. It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again. It Was What You Couldn't See, Those Tiniest Of Pieces, That Were Lost In The Severing, And Their Absence Kept Everything From Being Complete.

But When You're Alone In The World, Really Alone, You Have No Choice But To Be Open To Suggestions.

But She Wouldn't. I Knew That Already. My Mother And I Had An Understanding: We Worked Together To Be As Much In Control Of Our Shared World As Possible. I Was Suposed To Be Her Other Half, Carrying My Share Of The Weight. In The Last Few Weeks, I'd Tried To Shed It, And Doing So Sent Everything Off Kilter. So Of Course She Would Pull Me Tighter, Keeping Me In My Place, Because Doing So Meant She Would Always Be Sure, Somehow, Of Her Own.

Rogerson," I Asked Him Sweetly As We Sat Watching A Video In The Pool House, "where Would I Find The Pelagic Zone?" "in The Open Sea," He Said. "now Shut Up And Eat Your Junior Mints.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

Some Things You Don't Have To Tell. Some Things, Between Sisters, Are Understood.

But It's Strange, When You've Always Been Told Something Is True, Like The Moon Will Come Back. You Need Proof. And While You Wait, You Feel The Entire Balance Of Your World Just Tipping. It's Crazy. But When It's Over, And It Does Come Back, That's The Best, Because It's All You Want, Everything Narrows To Just That. It's This Great Rush, Like For That One Second Everything's Okay With The World Again. It's Amazing.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

We Didn't Talk About Our Scars, The Ones You Could See And The Ones You Couldn't.

I Paused, Only Just Now Realizing That The Subject Was Hitting A Little Close To Home. "you Know, Getting Hurt. Putting Herself Out There, Opening Up To Someone." Yeah," He Said Adding Some Cheese Straws To The Cart, "but Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't." I Picked Up A Box Of Cheese Straws, Examining It. "yeah," I Said. "but It's Not All About Chance, Either.

Like Life Isn't Complicated Enough. You Should At Least Be Able To Follow The Signs.

That Was The Thing: Once, The Difference Between Light And Dark Had Been Basic. One Was Good, One Bad. Suddenly, Though, Things Weren’t So Clear. The Dark Was Still A Mystery, Something Hidden, Something To Be Scared Of, But I’d Come To Fear The Light, Too. It Was Where Everything Was Revealed, Or Seemed To Be. Eyes Closed, I Saw Only The Blackness, Reminding Me Of This One Thing, The Most Deep Of My Secrets; Eyes Open, There Was Only The World That Didn’t Know It, Bright, Inescapable, And Somehow, Still There.

Now, Now," My Father Said. "let's Just Get The Bags." This Was Typical. My Father, The Lone Male In Our Estrogen-heavy Household, Had Always Dealt With Any Kind Of Emotional Situation Or Conflict By Doing Something Concrete And Specific. Discussion Of Cramps And Heavy Flow At The Breakfast Table? He Was Up And Out The Door To Change Oil On One Of Our Cars. Coming Home In Tears For Reasons You Just Didn't Want To Discuss? He'd Go Make You A Grilled Cheese, Which He'd Probably End Up Eating. Family Crisis Brewing In A Public Place? Bags. Get The Bags.

So Finally, I Decided That The Best Response — The Safest — Was None At All.

You're Wrong," I Told Her. "i Lost That Faith A Long Time Ago." She Looked At Me As I Said This, An Expression Of Quiet Understanding On Her Face. "maybe You Didn't, Though," She Said Softly. "lose It, I Mean." "lissa." "no, Just Hear Me Out." She Looked Out At The Road For A Second, Then Back At Me. "maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

The True Story...is The Realization That No Time In Your Life Is Ever Perfect, That Even The Best Memories Have Cracks You Might Not See.

Maybe" She Said. "i Just Wish We'd Have A Little Mishap.it Would Be Reassuring

Suddenly, I Was Just Sure He Was Going To Kiss Me. He Was There, I Could Feel His Breath, The Ground Solid Beneath Us. But Then Something Crossed His Face, A Thought, A Hesitation, And He Shifted Slightly. Not Now. Not Yet. It Was Something I'd Done So Often - Weighing What I Could Afford To Risk, Right At That Moment - That I Recognized It Instantly. It Was Like Looking In A Mirror.

It's Harder That In Looks," I Told Him When I Finally Got Back In The Car. "most Things Are.

Everything, In The End, Comes Down To Timing. One Second, One Minute, One Hour Could Make All The Difference.

Then I'd Crawl Back Into Bed, Smelling Her All Around Me, And Tell Myself That Next Time, I Would Lock That Window. But I Never Did.

Two A.m.' He Swallowed, Then Said, "you Know. The Person You Can Call At Two A.m. And, No Matter What, You Can Count On Them. Even If They're Asleep Or It's Cold Or You Need To Be Bailed Out Of Jail...they'll Come For You. It's Like, The Highest Level Of Friendship.

You Just Looked..." She Said, Searching For The Word, "taken, You Know? Plus You Hardly Reacted To Wes. I Mean, You Did Alittle, But Nothing Like Most Girls. It Was A Little Swoon. Not A Sa-woon, You Know?" I Said, "sa-woon? Oh, Come On," She Said Shaking Her Head. "even A Blind Girl Could Tell He Is Amazing.

With My Mom, When Someone Was Gone, They Were Gone. She Didn't Waste Another Minute Thinking About Them, And Neither Should You.

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

Sometimes Things Don't Turn Out The Way You Want Them To, Haven. Sometimes The People You Choose To Believe Are Wrong.

This Is Personal, She'd Said. Real. This Moment Was Too, Even If You Couldn't See It At First Glance. It Was Fake On The Outside, But So True Within. You Only Had To Look, Really Look To Tell.

Usually When I Finish The Draft Of A Book, I'm Sure I'll Never Write Another One. I'm Just That Tired And Sick Of Myself. But Then Another Idea Starts Percolating. It Usually Begins With The Narrator's Name, Then Some Idea That Intrigues Me About Her Life Or Situation. I Try To Ignore It As Long As I Can, Because I Know When I Start Writing, I'll Be Right Back Into It, Every Single Day. But Eventually, I Just Have To. It's A Compulsion!

Once, This Had Been The Life I’d Wanted. Even Chosen. Now, Though, I Couldn’t Believe That There Had Been A Time When This Kind Of Monotony And Silence, This Most Narrow Of Existences, Had Been Preferable. Then Again, Once, I’d Never Known Anything Else.

Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

But All The Love In The World Won't Save A Sinking Ship. You Have To Either Bail Or Jump Overboard.

My Mother Has Always Been The Point I Calibrated Myself Against. In Knowing Where She Was, I Could Always Locate Myself, As Well. These Months She'd Been Gone, I Felt Like I'd Been Floating, Loose And Boundaryless, But Now That I Knew Where She Was, I Kept Waiting For A Kind Of Certainty To Kick In. It Didn't. Instead, I Was More Unsure Than Ever, Stuck Between This New Life And The One I'd Left Behind.

Despite Our Differences, We Did Have A History. No One Understood Where I Was Coming From The Way He Did.

The Worst Thing You Can Do If You Miss Or Need Someone Is Let Them Know It.

Missing Someone

Each Time, I Think I'm Never Going To Write Another Book. It Never Gets Easier.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect.

I Mean, It's Impossible To Fake Anything If You've Already Seen The Other Person In A Way They'd Never Choose For You To. You Can't Go Back From That.

Family Isn’t Something That’s Supposed To Be Static, Or Set. People Marry In, Divorce Out. They’re Born, They Die. It’s Always Evolving, Turning Into Something Else.

Believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine.

My Dad Is A Retired Shakespeare Professor, My Mother A Retired Classicist. Suffice To Say I Grew Up In A House Full Of Books, Where Reading Was Encouraged If Not Required.

I Would Miss Colby, But It Wasn't Going Anywhere. All The More Reason Why I Should.

Yes, It Sucked Getting Dumped. But Wasn't It Better To Just Be Brutally Honest? To Admit That Your Feeling For Someone Is Never Going To Be Powerful Enough To Justify Taking Up Any More Of Their Time? I Was Doing Him A Favor, Really. Freeing Him Up For A Better Opportunity. In Fact, I Was A Practically A Saint, If You Really Thought About It. Exactly.

Maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

You're Not Supposed To Have It All Figured Out In High School. If You Knew It All, And It Was The Best, It's All Downhill From There.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

And For One Second, It Was Like I Could Feel The Timing Clicking Together, Finally Pieces Falling Into Place.

You Can't Act Like You Care About Someone But Not Let Them Care About You.

Cares About Someone

Just Because Someone's Pretty, Doesn't Mean She's Decent.

But It Was Important To Simply Be Sought, Even If You Didn‟t Ever Want To Be Found.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

The Girl In The Tight Black Dress Was Passing By Us Now, Eyeing Wes And Walking Entirely Too Slowly. "hi," She Said, And He Nodded At Her But Didn't Reply. Knew It, I Thought. Honestly," I Said. What?" Come On. You Have To Admit, It's Sort Of Ridiculous." What Is?" Now That I Had To Define It, I Found Myself Struggling For The Right Words. "you Know," I Said, Then Figured Kristy Had Really Summed It Up Best. "the Sa-woon." The What?

It Seemed Like This Day Could Go In So Many Directions, Like A Spiderweb Shooting Out Toward Endless Possibilities.

Endless Possibilities

There Were Endless Ways To Spend Your Days, I Knew That, None Of Them Right Or Wrong. But Given The Chance For A Real Do-over, Another Way Around, Who Would Say No?

But If Everything Was Always Smooth And Perfect, You'd Get Too Used To That, You Know? You Have To Have A Little Bit Of Disorganization Now And Then. Otherwise, You'll Never Really Enjoy It When Things Go Right.

Like It Takes So Little Not Only To Change Something, But To Make You Forget The Way It Once Was, As Well.

In The End, Though, Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

Fall In Love With Someone Who Truly Deserves Your Heart. Not With Someone Who Plays With It.

Falling In Love

Because You Have To Just Go With The Flow. Your Life Is Not Your Own, With People Coming In And Out All The Time. You Get Mellow Because You Have To.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

Editing Is Hard But Nowhere Near As Tough As Facing That Blank Page And Blinking Cursor Each Day. You're All Alone And No One Else Can Do It. At Least With Editing You Have Someone In The Trench With You.

It Was A Basic Plot In Any Number Of Her Books: Girl Strikes Out, Makes Good, Finds Love, Gets Revenge. In That Order. The Making Good And Striking Out Part I Liked. The Rest Would Just Be Bonus.

Of Course It Hurts", She Grumbled, Tipping My Head Further Back. "life Sucks. Get Over It

Sometimes, We Just Have To Be Happy With What People Can Offer Us. Even If It's Not What We Want, At Least It's Something.

You Bought Me Some Forks. And Knives. And Spoons. Because You Love Me!

It's A Lot Easier To Be Lost Than Found. It's The Reason We're Always Searching And Rarely Discovered--so Many Locks Not Enough Keys.

When You Had To Do Something, You Had To Do It. And Eventually, If You Were Lucky, You Did It Well.

As I Rolled Over, Stretching Out, My Only Thought Was To Go Back To The Dream I'd Been Having, Which I Couldn't Remember, Other Than That It Had Been Good, In That Distant, Hopeful Way Unreal Things Can Be.

I Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly— She'd Already Had A Couple Of Mini Bottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

My Experience Is That Sequels Are Rarely As Good As The Originals.

I Knew That It Wouldn’t Last. It Was Just A Moment, A Perfect Moment, As Time Stood Still And Fleetingly Everything Fell Back Into Its Proper Place.

Like So Many Before Them, They Didn't Care That My Dad Was Only The Messenger. They Still Wanted To Shoot Him.

It Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me. Just That You Do.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

Wake Up, Caitlin, Mr. Lensing Had Said. But What He Didn't Understand Was That This Dreamland Was Preferable, Walking Through This Life Half-sleeping, Everything At Arm's Length Or Farther Away.

That Was The Thing About Being Alone, In Theory Or In Principle. Whatever Happened - Good, Bad, Or Anywhere In Between - It Was Always, If Nothing Else, All Your Own.

Life Has A Way Of Disregarding Even Your Best Intentions.

Best Intentions

Oh Darling, Don't Be Bitter. It's The First Instinct Of The Weak.

All Of My Stories, They Don't Come From My High School Experience, But They're Definitely Based On Things That Happened To Me In High School, Or Things That Happened To Friends Of Mine, Or Things That I Wish Had Happened To Me.

When He First Put His Arms Around Me, It Was Tentative, Like Maybe He Expected I'd Pull Away. When I Didn't, He Moved In Closer, His Hands Smoothing Over My Shoulders, And In My Mind I Saw Myself Retreating A Million Times When People Tried To Do This Same Thing: My Sister Or My Mother, Pulling Back And Into Myself, Tucking Everything Out Of Sight, Where Only I Knew Where To Find It. This Time, Though, I Gave In. I Let Wes Pull Me Against Him, Pressing My Head Against His Chest, Where I Could Feel His Heart Beating, Steady And True.

With Love Like That, You Can't Get Pick About How It Finds You Or The Details. All That Matters Is That It's There. Better Late Than Never.

Better Late Than Never

Talk Was Cheap And Useless. Action Was What Mattered. And Me, I Was Moving. Now, Again, Always.

It Was Great. Freedom Even The Imagined Kind Always Is.

Because' I Repeated, As A Breeze Blew Over Us, "sometimes Things Just Happen. That Aren't Expected. Or On The List." "such As?" He Asked "i Don't Know," I Said, Frustrated. "that's The Point. It Would Be Out Of The Blue, Taking Us By Surprise. Something We Might Not Be Prepared For." "but We Will Be Prepared," He Said, Confused. "we'll Have The List.

I Think I'm Too Lazy A Writer To Do Something Like Historical Fiction. You Have To Do So Much Research. I Just Write What I Know.

Everyone Had A Forever.

But Unfriendly Is Usually One Of Those Things You Pick Up On Right Away. You Know, Like B.o. There's No Hiding It If It's There.

Clearly, Sharing Something Could Take You A Long Way, Or At Least To A Different Place Than You'd Planned. Like A Friendship Or A Family, Or Even Jsut Alone On A Curb On A Saturday, Trying To Get Your Bearings As Best You Can.

That First Love. And The First One Who Breaks Your Heart. For Me, They Just Happen To Be The Same Person.

I Mean, It's Not Surprising, Really. Once You Love Something, You Always Love It In Some Way. You Have To. It's, Like, Part Of You For Good.

"look," I Said, "we Knew Jason And Becky Would Be Back, The Break Would End. This Isn't A Surprise, It's What's Supposed To Happen. It's What We Wanted. Right?" "is It?" He Asked. "is It What You Want?" Whether He Intended It To Be Or Not, This Was The Final Question, The Last Truth. If I Said What I Really Thought, I Was Opening Myself Up For A Hurt Bigger Than I Could Even Imagine. I Didn't Have It In Me. We Changed And Altered So Many Rules, But It Was This One, The Only One When We'd Started, That I Would Break. "yes," I Said.

Best Friends. And I Thought Of What She Had Done All The Millions Of Times I Cried To Her, Collapsing At Even The Slightest Wounding Of My Heart Or Pride. So I Reached Over And Pulled Her To Me, Wrapping My Arms Around Her, And Held My Best Friend Close, Returning So Many Favors All At Once.

Nothing Like Being Scolded By A Hippie.

I Had To Wonder Whether It Was Possible That This Wasn’t Already Decided For Me, And If Maybe, Just Maybe, This Was My One Last Chance To Try And Prove It. There Was No Way To Know. There Never Is. But I Reached Out And Took It Anyway.

She Fell, She Hurt, She Felt. She Lived. And For All The Tumble Of Her Experiences, She Still Had Hope. Maybe This Next Time Would Do The Trick. Or Maybe Not. But Unless You Stepped Into The Game, You Would Never Know.

So Maybe It Wasn't The Fairy Tale. But Those Stories Weren't Real Anyway. Mine Were.

Whether It Was A Song, A Person, Or A Story, There Was A Lot You Couldn’t Know From Just An Excerpt, A Glance, Or Part Of A Chorus.

You’re Always A Kid Around Your Parents… Unless They’re Acting Like Children. Then You Don’t Get The Chance.

Something Had Changed In Me, Even If I Didn't Know What It Was Just Yet. All I Could Think Was That I Felt Alive For The First Time.

If There's One Thing I've Learned In The Last Few Months, It's That Sometimes You Just Have To Close Your Eyes And Jump.

I Was Just Stock In The Middle, Vague And Undefined.

Why Don't You Ever Wait A Second And See What I'm Planning, Or Thinking, Before You Burst In With Your Opinions And Ideas? You Never Even Give Me A Chance.

It's A Choice, Annabel. And If You Make The Wrong One, You Have Only Yourself To Blame When There Are Consequences.

You Can't Make Any One Person Your World. The Trick Is To Take What Each Can Give You And Build A World From It.

I Tried To Hold Myself Apart, Showing Only What I Wanted, Doling Out Bits And Pieces Of Who I Was. But That Only Works Out For So Long. Eventually, Even The Smallest Fragments Can't Help But, Make A Whole.

It Wasn’t So Much That I Was Positive. I Just Wasn’t Fully Subscribing To Such A Negative Way Of Thinking Anymore.

Way Of Thinking

I Just Stood There, Looking At Her. My Head Was Spinning, My Mouth Dry, And All I Could Think About Was That I Wanted To Go Someplace Safe, Someplace I Could Be Alone And Okay, And That This Was Impossible. My Old Life Had Changed And My New One Was Still In Progress, Altering By The Second. There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

Sitting There With Them, It Was Almost Hard To Remember When I First Came To Perkins, So Determined To Remember To Be A One-woman Operation To The End. But That Was The Thing About Taking Help And Giving It, Or So I Was Learning; There Was No Such Thing As Really Getting Even. Instead, This Connection, Once Opened, Remained Ongoing Over Time.

And Guys Don't Get Attached, Guys Don't Give Themselves Over Completely, And Guys Lie. That's Why They Should Be Handled With Great Trepidation, Not Trusted, And Held At Arm's Length Whenever Possible.

He Was Not My Boyfriend. On The Other Hand, He Wasn't Just A Friend Either. Instead, Our Relationship Was Elastic, Stretching Between Those Two Extremes Depending On Who Else Was Around, How Much Either Of Us Had To Drink, And Other Varying Factors. This Was Exactly What I Wanted, As Commitments Had Never Really Been My Thing. And It Wasn't Like It Was Hard, Either. The Only Trick Was Never Giving More Than You Were Willing To Lose.

There Was No Short Answer To This; Like So Much Else, It Was A Long Story. But What Really Makes Any Story Real Is Knowing Someone Will Hear It. And Understand.

I Hoped This Was True. Even If It Wasn‟t, All I Could Do Was Hand Over What I Could, With The Hope Of Something In Return. But Of Course, This Was Easier Said Than Done.

Just Me And The Future, Finally Together. Now There Was A Happy Ending I Could Believe In.

You Knew The Truth All Along, Colie. That's All Matters. You Knew.

Life Is An Awful, Ugly Place To Not Have A Best Friend.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

I Wanted To Tell Him So. Find The Right Words, String Them Together In The Ideal Way, Knowing That Here They Would Have The Best Chance Of Sounding Perfect.

I Always Have A Goal, Even If I Keep It To Myself. It Allows Me To Keep Pushing Myself.

And So Really, You Have Given Me No Choice But To Take You Shopping By Force.” She Sighed, Then Reached Up, Dropping Her Sunglasses Down From Their Perch On Her Head To Cover Her Eyes. “do You Even Realize How Happy The Average Teenage Girl Would Be In Your Shoes? I Have A Credit Card. We’re At The Mall. I Want To Buy You Things. It’s Like Adolescent Nirvana.” - Cora

I've Given Lots Of People Chances. But There's Only So Much Faith You Can Have In People.

Not For The First Time, I Wished Both Of Us Could Just Say What We Meant. But That, Like So Much Else, Was Impossible

Okay. Enough." I Got Out Of The Closet, Brushing Myself Off, Then Turned Around To Face Her. "this Is Happening. So You Need To Go Downstairs, Face Your Fears, And Make The Best Of It, And Everything Will Be Okay." She Narrowed Her Eyes At Me. "when Did You Suddenly Become So Positive?" "just Get Out Of There.

One Open, One Closed. It Was No Wonder That The First Image That Came To Mind When I Thought Of Either Of My Sisters Was A Door. With Kirsten, It Was The Front One To Our House, Through Which She Was Always Coming In Or Out, Usually In Mid-sentence, A Gaggle Of Friends Trailing Behind Her. Whitney’s Was The One To Her Bedroom, Which She Preferred To Keep Shut Between Her And The Rest Of Us, Always.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together. Not A Place, But A Moment, And Then Another, Building On Each Other Like Bricks To Create A Solid Shelter That You Take With You For Your Entire Life, Wherever You May Go.

The Fate Of Your Heart Is Your Choice And No One Else Gets A Vote

Being Brave And Self-confident Doesn't Necessarily Start Inside...it Starts With The Rest Of The World, And It Leads Back To You.

It Was Like Those Songs I'd Heard As A Child, Each So Familiar, And All Mine. When I Got Older And Realized The Words Were Sad, The Stories Tragic, It Didn't Make Me Love Them Any Less. By Then They Were Already Part Of Me, Woven Into My Conciousness & Memory

Its 75 Degrees! In December!

Says The Girl With No Thyme.

Looking At Her, I Thought Again How Beautiful She Was - Even In Jeans And A T-shirt, No Makeup, She Was Breathtaking. So Much So That It Was Hard To Believe She Could Ever Have Looked At Herself And Seen Anything Else.

Never Would Forever, With All Its Meanings, Be So Clear And Distinct As In The True, Guaranteed End Of The World.

Even If You Do Make Tons Of New Friends,” I Told Him, “try Not To Forget Where You Came From, Okay?

Life's Too Short To Worry About The Little Things. Enjoy What You Have Today, Not What You Might Get Tomorrow

All I'd Ever Wanted Was To Forget. But Even When I Thought I Had, Pieces Had Kept Emerging, Like Bits Of Wood Floating Up To The Surface That Only Hint At The Shipwreck Below.

This Lullaby Is Only A Few Words, A Simple Run Of Chords, Quiet Here In This Spare Room, But You Can Hear It, Hear It, Wherever You May Go, Even If I Let You Down, This Lullaby Plays On.

Look, The Point Is There's No Way To Be A Hundred Percent Sure About Anyone Or Anything. So You're Left With A Choice. Either Hope For The Best Or Just Expect The Worst.

It Takes So Little To Change Everything. If You Really Thought About It, It Would Scare You To Death.

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