Background Image

...

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

-Jim Gaffigan

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Think What Pope

Jim Gaffigan

...

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

Views: 5

Topic

More From Jim Gaffigan

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.

My Wife Always Asks Me Why I Don't Make The Bed. And I Respond With The Same Reason Why I Don't Tie My Shoes After I Take Them Off.

I Do Kind Of Aspire To Do Comedy That Appeals To A Wide Range Of Audiences And Doesn't Divide People. I Never Want To Do Material That Makes People Laugh At The Expense Of Making Other People Feel Bad - Not To Say I'm Not Guilty Of That At Times. ... I Try And Make Humor Out Of The Really Important Issues Of The Day, Like Hot Pockets And Elevators And Not Wanting To Get Out Of Bed.

After You Eat A Hot Pocket, Everything Will Taste Like Rubber For A Month!

I Think When I Started Doing Stand-up, That's When I Really Tried To Question Everything In My Belief System Which Is - I Think A Pretty Important Part Of Being A Comedian Is Really Questioning Things.

Oh Great, Socks. You Know I'm Dying For Your Sins Right? Yeah, But Thanks For The Socks! They'll Go Great With My Sandals. What Am I, German?

Pie Can't Compete With Cake. Put Candles In A Cake, It's A Birthday Cake. Put Candles In A Pie, Someone's Drunk In The Kitchen.

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

The Real Question Is Should We Trust People Who Don't Like Cheese?

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

A Lot Of People Are Like, "you're Doing Commercials?" And I Honestly Feel Like Those Sierra Mist Commercials Are Better Than A Lot Of Sitcoms I Get Offered. It's Hard Work, And I'm Paid A Lot Of Money, And I Do It Because I Love The Soda.

The Whole Idea Of Celebrity Is Flattering - It Helps You Get Into Restaurants And Stuff - But Once You Obtain Some Creative Fulfillment, Which You Do On A Nightly Basis As A Comedian, It's Hard To Give That Up Just To Be The Wacky Neighbor On A Show.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

I'm Bald, Blind And Pale. I'm Like A Gigantic Recessive Gene.

There's This Message To Comedians In Particular, That You Shouldn't Write It, And A Television Writer Should Write It. And That's A Prevailing Conventional Wisdom That I Think Is Really Wrong. That's Not To Say That Television Writers Aren't Great, But I Think That The Belief That Some Comedy Writer's Going To Be Able To Capture Your Voice Is Naive.

Babies And Toddlers Are Mostly What I've Been Exposed To At This Point. I'm Hoping Parenting Just Gets Much Easier After This. It Does, Right?

For A Comedian To Kind Of Catch Onto Something Right As Something's Catching On In Our Culture, A Lot Of It Is Luck, And You Hope The Joke Is Funny.

I Worked On Usa Today As A Topic For While. I Tried To Do Something On Hand Chairs, Chairs That Look Like Hands. I Really Tried. But Some Topics Are Not Truly Universal.

I Didn't Realize How Much Of A Hoosier Or A Midwesterner I Was Until I Moved To New York. It's Weird - Growing Up In Indiana, I Wanted To Get Out, And Now I Completely Romanticize Indiana. It Just Seems Like There's A Greater Focus On Family Back There, Which I Suppose Is Something That Kind Of Stayed With Me.

Be More Assertive With What You Want To Do.

Cookies At Both Of Them. The Cookies Are Probably Better At Letterman Though.

Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

I've Never Tried Fatback. Probably 'cause It's Called Fatback. I Don't Know Which Word Creeps Me Out More: Fat Or Back. Why Don't They Just Throw In "hairy" While They're At It? "this Is Some Delicious Hairy Fatback."

For Stand-up Comedians That Go Onstage And Get To Write And Perform And Direct, And Do All These Things, The Allure Of A Television Show Is Still There But If It Doesn't Offer A Level Of Creative Fulfillment, It's Oddly Unappealing.

Yeah The Appetizer, That's The Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food...no No You're Thinking Of Dessert, That's Food We Eat After We Have Our Food.

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

Do You Ever Leave A Message For Somebody And The Answering Machine Cuts You Off, And You Have To Decide Whether You Should Not Call Back, Or Call Back And Appear Like A Stalker? "hi. It's Me Again. I Forgot To Tell You That I'm Going To Kill You. Because I'm The Freak Who Keeps Calling And Calling."

You Ever Talk About A Movie With Someone That Read The Book? They're Always So Condescending. 'ah, The Book Was Much Better Than The Movie.' Oh Really? What I Enjoyed About The Movie: No Reading.

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

It's Kind Of Hard To Articulate, But, Like, This Notion Of Mercy, Forgiveness, Was Very Appealing For Me. It Was Very Profound. And It Had A Deep Impact, And I Think It Still Does.

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

Whenever You Go Out To Eat You Gotta Get The Appetizer. 'cause The Appetizer's Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. You're Always Like "lets See, I Will Start With The 80 Buffalo Wings...and Do You Have A Low-cal Blue Cheese? 'cause I Don't Wanna Fill Up Too Much."

The Thanksgiving Tradition Is, We Gorge. Hey, What About At Thanksgiving We Simply Consume A Considerable Measure? However We Do That Consistently! Goodness. Imagine A Scenario Where We Consume A Ton With Individuals Who Pester The Heck Out Of Us.

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

If Camping Is So Great, Why Are The Bugs Always Trying To Get In Your House?

I See Some People With Glasses Here, I Trust People With Glasses, Don't You? But If You're Wearing Your Glasses Like This ... "get Away From 'em!"

I Watch A Lot Of Tv, I Drink A Lot Of Coffee, But You Know What's Really Addictive? Heroin.

You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

I Don't Know What's More Exhausting About Parenting: The Getting Up Early, Or Acting Like You Know What You're Doing.

Isn't It Strange -- When You're Single, All You See Is Couples, And When You're Part Of A Couple, All You See Are Hookers.

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

How Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water.

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

really, There Are Two Types Of People Who Go Bowling. There Are People Who Really, Really Love Bowling. Then There Are The People That Are Like: Wouldnt It Be Hysterical If We Went Bowling?

It's Good To Be Back In New York. I Have Lived Here Ten Years. I'm Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But The Fact Of The Matter Is Where I Grew Up There Was Something Very Similar To The Mafia: 4-h.

There Has Been This Belief Among The Catholic Community - And This - I'm No Expert, This Is My Opinion - That Cafeteria Catholics Are Wrong.

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

"entertainers Of Faith," Funnyman Jim Gaffigan Isn't Ashamed Of His Catholicism. He's Seen Here Leaving A New York Comedy Club With His Bible In Hand.

I Was The Youngest Of Six Kids, So Yeah, Feeding Myself Was Important, But It's Not Like I Was Obsessed With Food Growing Up.

Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

I've Stayed In So Many Hotel Rooms That I'm Shocked If, When I Stay In A Hotel Room, The Hotel Phone Isn't On The Desk. Then I'm Like, "this Isn't A Real Hotel Room." If There's Not Outlets Next To The Desk, Or If They Have An Iphone Adapter For An Iphone 4, That's When I'm Sitting There Annoyed. I Understand That It's Ridiculous, But That's Just Me Spending Way Too Much Time In Hotels.

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

But Truly, Women Are Amazing. Think About It This Way: A Woman Can Grow A Baby Inside Her Body. Then A Woman Can Deliver The Baby Through Her Body. Then, By Some Miracle, A Woman Can Feed A Baby With Her Body. When You Compare That To The Male’s Contribution To Life, It’s Kind Of Embarrassing, Really.

The Reason I Say I'm A Horrible Person Is I Don't Want Myself To Be Presented As Somebody Who's A Great Catholic.

Horrible Person

You Know, I Want To Teach, But I Don’t Want To Read?

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

The Appetizer Is Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. Let's See, I Will Start With The Eighty Buffalo Wings.

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

I Like To Think Of Bread As Really Bland Cake.

It's Strange How Interesting Your Dreams Are, But When Someone Tries To Tell You Their Dream You're Just Like "whatever! Why Don't You Send Me An E-mail So I Can Delete It?"

I'm Not Saying That Mcdonald's Gift Certificates Caused The Obesity Epidemic, But In Retrospect, The Timing Is Kind Of Suspicious.

Obesity Epidemic

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

Cancer Is Always Funny.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

I Feel Guilty If I'm Not Reading Books, But I Read Scripts Of Movies Or Things That I Know I'm Committed To That I'm Going To Do The Project. I Tell Myself, "i'm Going To Read This Script Like Six Times," And I Only Read It The Initial Time.

You Could Say That To The Pope. I Want To Talk To You About Jesus. He'd Be Like, Easy, Freak.

I Kinda Expected To Turn The Bottle And See A Recipe. "so That's How You Make Ice Cubes. Apparently You Just Freeze This Stuff. Oh, But You Need A Tray. That's How They Trick You Into It."

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

Anyone Know If The Shuttles To Hell Will Have Wifi? Asking For A Friend.

When I'm In Touch With The Idea That There Is A Higher Power And That There Is, You Know, Other Factors At Work, It - It Kind Of Quells My Narcissism.

Hey, People Who Travel With Their Bed Pillow. You Look Insane.

I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana - Mafia.

I Love My Career, But I Feel Like You've Got To Babysit A Lot Of Aspects Of Things. Assuming That Things Will Be Handled Properly Is Just Naive. But I Think That's Anyone's Life, Right? Even If You're Running A Construction Site, It Doesn't Matter If You've Been Doing It For 20 Years, You're Still Going To Be Blindsided By Someone's Incompetence Or Indifference.

I Think Stand-up Comedy Is This - It's This Kind Of Indulgence And Narcissism.

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

I Think I Grew Up With The Idea That God Was A Punishing Being, Constructed Around Rules.

You Ever Read A Book That Changed Your Life? Me Neither.

I Spend Way Too Much Time On Facebook And Myspace To Feel Too Uncomfortable At This. I Like To Think Of The Internet As An Effective Way To Waste Time And Time.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

I've Been Doing Theaters Like The Warner For About A Year And We've Found The Earlier You Get The Tickets On Sale The Better Idea You Get On How Many Shows We Will Be Doing.

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

The Pearly Gates. Am I The Only One Who Finds It Odd That Heaven Has Gates? What Kind Of Neighborhood Is Heaven In?

I Talk Kinda Slow, Especially For The Northeast, So It Was A Way To Beat [would-be Hecklers] To The Punch.

My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

Twitter Allowed Me To Talk About Parenting In Short Snippets And Find Out What I Really Wanted To Say About It, Which Is That I'm A Dad Who Had No Idea What He's Doing.

I Grew Up 45 Minutes Outside Of Chicago.

In Indiana, I Wasn't Anything Special. But In New York, I've Gone Out With Girls With Purple Hair Who Go Out With Me Because I'm Exotic!

Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

I Think Being A Doctor Is Really Hard, And It's Really This Thankless, Never-ending Job. It's Not Even That You Get Done With A Project. There Are Always Sick People.

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

I Didn't Choose To Be The Guy Who Talks About The Mundane - It's Just Who I Am And It's What Kind Of Works For Me.

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

I'm An Eccentric, Silly, Observational Guy, But I'm Not Gonna Frighten Off Social Conservatives.

I Definitely Write About Things That Are Universal, That Everyone Can Identify With. You're Supposed To Write About Things You're Passionate About And I Guess I Am A Foodie. I Do Love Food And It's Kind Of Like I'm An Eccentric Observationalist Guy. To Make It Kind Of Universal, I Try A Lot Of Different Things. When I First Started Writing This, I Was Like, 'no Food.' Then, You Know, It Just Always Goes There.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

If I Was On An Airplane, The People In Coach Would Know Who I Am. But No One In First Class Would Know.

I Think That There's Part Of Me That Feels Like Maybe I Should Have Been More Social.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

On Myspace ... The Whole Demographic Of The Stand-up Comedy Fan Has Changed. It's Like An Indie Band Thing. People Think They've Discovered You.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

The Whole Idea Of Comedy, There Is Nothing Normal About Going Up On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh. But I'm Also Not An Exhibitionist Like Other Comics. I'm Not Up There Talking About Masturbating.

I Think The Worst Professional Advice I Received Was This Kind Of Unspoken Message Of "sit Back And Wait Your Turn," Or "sit Back And Wait And Let Other People Do Things."

Bacon's The Best, Even The Frying Of Bacon Sounds Like An Applause.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.

I Would Make Sweet Love To Don Rickles.

I Went To A Catholic University And There's Something About Being A Catholic-american. You Know, St. Patrick's Day Is, I'm Irish-catholic. There's Alcoholism In My Family. It's Like I've Got To Be Catholic, Right?

As I Go On In Standup, I Keep Being Described As Cleaner And Cleaner As I Do Each Hour, They're Like, 'it's Unbelievable How Clean,' 'he's The Cleanest Person In The World.' And Then I'll Do Shows And People Will Be Like, 'you're Supposed To Be So Clean, But You're Talking About Cancer.'

One Of The Benefits Of Eating Salad Is That You Can Eat Tons Of It And Never Be Satisfied.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

I Wouldn't Say That Comedy Brought Me Away From It.i Think That My Idea Of Faith Was Another Obligation In My Life.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

I Like That In My Audiences, There's A Lesbian Couple Sitting Next To A Mormon Family.

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

My Comedy Is Romanticized Laziness.

Some Of My Fear And Anxieties Surrounding Faith, I Think, Provides Some Good Comedy For My Act.

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

I Was Able To Make The Jump To Theaters Without Having A Tv Show. My Passion For Getting A Tv Show Just Plummeted. It Was Like I Had Already Achieved What I Wanted To Achieve.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

It Really Never Came Up, But I Think That In Present-day America, They're - You Know, And I Touched On It In The Initial Clip - Is That We Are In The Middle Of This Culture War.

Stand-up Is So Rewarding, And I Enjoy The Acting Opportunities I've Had, But The Only Time I Really Feel Bad Is When I Feel Like I Have This Manufactured Belief That I Should Be Doing Something Else Or There Should Be Some Type Of Recognition. On An Intellectual Level, I Know It's Stupid.

Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant.

This City Has So Many Beautiful Women. I Fall In Love Like Every Ten Minutes, I'm Sitting On The Subway, I'm Like, "there's My Wife... There She Is - Oh, She's Getting Off. All Right, There's The Woman - All Right, That's A Man."

Falling In Love

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

The Hardest Part Of The Day Is All The Stuff After I Open My Eyes In The Morning.

I Know That Colbert Could Quote Thomas Aquinas And All This, But I'm Somebody Who, Because It's A Necessity For Me On A Personal Basis. I Need It Because I'm A Lunatic.

Not That I Don't Think Irreverent Humor And Someone Being Filthy Is Funny, I Just Do What I Do. Any Comedian Would Admit Throwing An F-bomb In There Would Help Get A Reaction. ... I'm Not On A Puritanical Pursuit, But When I Would Curse In A Joke, I Believe I'm Not Done Writing It.

Even When You Hear About A Comedian Getting Married, Among Comedians, We're Always Kind Of Like, What Are They Doing?

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

I Never Have Free Time, I Don't Know About You. You Ever Go To The Cash Machine, There's Two People In Line In Front Of You And You Get Kinda Flustered, You're Like "forget It! I'm Not Standing Here For 40 Seconds. I Got Things To Do, Okay?"

I Would Say That Now I'm Somebody Who Goes To Church.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

It Took Me A Long Time To Understand Not To Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. It Really Comes Down To Creative Fulfillment. It Took Me A While To Realize I Don't Want To Just Be On A Show To Be On A Show.

There Is The Vegetarian Hot Pocket For Those Of Us Who Don't Want To Eat Meat, But Would Still Like Diarrhea.

I Feel Like, Even In This Crazy World Of Trump Getting Elected And These Things That Really Kind Of Caught Me Off-guard, I Feel Like I Understand Less Than I Did.

There Are Different Parts Of Us. You Want To Feel Safe But You Want To Also Feel Challenged.

Now The Thanksgiving Meal Is Just So Unnecessarily Difficult. I Mean Even Mashed Potatoes - It's Like The Most Difficult Kind Of, You Know, Medieval Idea. All Right, Instead Of Just Cooking Them, Why Don't You Spend, Like, Eight Hours Peeling Them And Then We'll Have To Mash Them Up. It Feels Like Prison Labor, Really.

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

I'd Been Acting And Doing Stand-up In New York About Eight Years, Getting Rejected, And I Finally Got The Opportunity To Do Stand-up On Letterman, Which Holds Even More Importance For Me. With Comedians, That's Definitely The Pinnacle, But Being From Indiana, It Was A Big To-do.

No One Goes Into Standup To Make Money. The Frustration And Rejection Are Just Too Much.

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

There's A Certain Balance Between Finding An Opportunity To Do What You Really Enjoy And Getting Caught Up In The Flattery Of People Wanting You To Do Things.

I'd Really Like To Promote My Increasing Consumption Of Bacon.

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

Stand-up Is An Amazing Art Form, I Think, Because It's All About You Having Complete Control Of The Situation, But Absolutely None.

I Spent Most Of My Adult Life Essentially Agnostic Or An Atheist.

The Dc Improv Food Is Amazingly Edible For A Comedy Club.

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

I Do Have Some Catholic Stuff That Is Done From The Perspective Of An Ignorant Catholic. But Other Than That, Topic-wise, There's Nothing Really Filthy.

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

For Me, It's Always A Little Sad Getting Out Of Bed. Every Morning After I Get Up, I Always Gaze Longingly At My Bed And Lament, 'you Were Wonderful Last Night. I Didn't Want It To End. I Can't Wait To See You Again.

I Was Watching The Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? Why Don't They Just Call That One The Female?

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

Don't You Think It's Strange How Many Referees Work At Footlocker?

Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best?

What's Amazing About Doing Movies, Compared To Television, There's An Ending You Can See. There's An Enthusiasm To It.

I'm Afraid Of A Couple Things. I'm Afraid Of Getting Caught Up In Other People's Expectations, Because I Feel Like That's An Ongoing Battle.

Wouldn't It Have Been Weird To Go To High School With The Pope? You Know, Somebody Did, Someone's Sitting At Home, Watching Tv In Poland, They See The Pope, They Think, "that Guy Was A Jerk! He Was So Mean To Me And Now He's Pope? I Got A Swirly From The Pope!"

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

Ireland Is A Place That's Beautiful And Interesting, But I Remember When I Went There As A Teenager With My Parents, I Was Like, "okay, I'll Go To Ireland With My Parents. It's Going To Be Green." I Think People Underestimate It, In That It's, "oh, It's Green," And Then You Get There, And It's Like, "wow, It Is Green!" It's, "oh, There's Irish Music," And Then You Get There, And You're Like, "oh, This Irish Music Is Amazing!" You Underestimate It.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

It's Like In Most Parts Of America, Where There Was Industry And There Is No Longer; There Is Cynicism Mixed With Sarcasm And Some Optimism. That's How My Background Influenced My Comedy.

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

When People Look And Decide They Have Nothing In Common With Me - I'm 43, Balding, Blond, Whatever - There's Something Absolutely Invigorating About Winning Them Over. Even If It's Eight People From Sweden Who Don't Understand What I'm Talking About.

We Wrote About Having Five Kids And Bringing Them To Church. A Journalist At The Washington Post Wrote This Article Where The Headline Was "the New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And It Was A Bit Terrifying.

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

I Love The Impatience Of New York... You Ever Had Somebody Not Ask You For Directions, But Demand Them? You're Just Innocently Walking Down The Street, You Hear A Horn, All Of A Sudden Some Guy's Like, 'holland Tunnel!!!' ...you Know, Like You Were Supposed To Fax This Guy Directions. Suddenly, You're Wasting His Time.

My Faith Kind Of Keeps Me In Touch With The Idea That I'm Not In Control Of Things.

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

Trending Author

Luther Campbell

Aleister Crowley

Malcolm Bradbury

Khaled Hosseini

Category