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You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

-Jim Gaffigan

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You Never Want To

Jim Gaffigan

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You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

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Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

Not That I Don't Think Irreverent Humor And Someone Being Filthy Is Funny, I Just Do What I Do. Any Comedian Would Admit Throwing An F-bomb In There Would Help Get A Reaction. ... I'm Not On A Puritanical Pursuit, But When I Would Curse In A Joke, I Believe I'm Not Done Writing It.

I'm Kind Of Like A Guy Who's Missing A Little Bit Of The Guy Gene. Like, I Love Steak, But The Notion Of Golfing Is The Last Thing I Would Want To Do. I Love Women, But I'm Also A Mama's Boy, And Some Of My Best Friends Are Women. So I'm Kinda Half Guy's Guy.

There's This Message To Comedians In Particular, That You Shouldn't Write It, And A Television Writer Should Write It. And That's A Prevailing Conventional Wisdom That I Think Is Really Wrong. That's Not To Say That Television Writers Aren't Great, But I Think That The Belief That Some Comedy Writer's Going To Be Able To Capture Your Voice Is Naive.

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

Why Would A Lazy Guy Become A Parent Of Five? Then Again, Why Would Creative People Who Inherently Don't Like Change And Criticism Become Writers, Actors, Or Comedians? There's Something About This Process. I Joke About It: My Kids Have Made Me A Better Person, And I Only Need, Like, 34 More Of Them To Be A Really Good Guy.

I Liked The Idea That My Character Was Not Gonna Be The Typical Dumb Guy That I Play, Typically. I Also Loved The Fact That It Was Dealing With Kind Of Adult-extended Adolescence, Which I Think Is Always Interesting - A Bunch Of People That Don't Wanna Grow Up.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

I Love Sleep. I Need Sleep. We All Do, Of Course. There Are Those People That Don't Need Sleep. I Think They're Called 'successful.

I Do Have Some Catholic Stuff That Is Done From The Perspective Of An Ignorant Catholic. But Other Than That, Topic-wise, There's Nothing Really Filthy.

I Reached A Point In My Life Where I Didn't Really Like Who I Was.i Was Married To An Amazing Woman. I Had Children, And Yet There Was Frustration.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

There Has Been This Belief Among The Catholic Community - And This - I'm No Expert, This Is My Opinion - That Cafeteria Catholics Are Wrong.

I Was Always Told That Hoosier Came From When Settlers In The State, When A Stranger Came On Their Property They'd Say, "who's There? Who's There?" So People That Were From Indiana Were The People That Said "who's There?" But What Do I Know? I Don't Read Or Interact With People Outside The Internet.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

I Didn't Realize How Much Of A Hoosier Or A Midwesterner I Was Until I Moved To New York. It's Weird - Growing Up In Indiana, I Wanted To Get Out, And Now I Completely Romanticize Indiana. It Just Seems Like There's A Greater Focus On Family Back There, Which I Suppose Is Something That Kind Of Stayed With Me.

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