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I Do Kind Of Aspire To Do Comedy That Appeals To A Wide Range Of Audiences And Doesn't Divide People. I Never Want To Do Material That Makes People Laugh At The Expense Of Making Other People Feel Bad - Not To Say I'm Not Guilty Of That At Times. ... I Try And Make Humor Out Of The Really Important Issues Of The Day, Like Hot Pockets And Elevators And Not Wanting To Get Out Of Bed.

-Jim Gaffigan

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I Do Kind Of

Jim Gaffigan

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I Do Kind Of Aspire To Do Comedy That Appeals To A Wide Range Of Audiences And Doesn't Divide People. I Never Want To Do Material That Makes People Laugh At The Expense Of Making Other People Feel Bad - Not To Say I'm Not Guilty Of That At Times. ... I Try And Make Humor Out Of The Really Important Issues Of The Day, Like Hot Pockets And Elevators And Not Wanting To Get Out Of Bed.

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I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

Be More Assertive With What You Want To Do.

As A Dad, You Are The Vice President Of The Executive Branch Of Parenting. It Doesn't Matter What Your Personality Is Like, You Will Always Be Al Gore To Your Wife's Bill Clinton. She Feels The Pain And You Are The Annoying Nerd Telling Them To Turn Off The Lights.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

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I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

How About Those People Who Don't Need Sleep? What Are They Called Again? Successful? What A Bunch Of Dicks They Are.

You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

I Don't Want To Be A Tv Star For The Sake Of Being On Tv. I Want To Have A Tv Show That's Based Around My Comedy.

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

My Faith Kind Of Keeps Me In Touch With The Idea That I'm Not In Control Of Things.

I Do Have Some Catholic Stuff That Is Done From The Perspective Of An Ignorant Catholic. But Other Than That, Topic-wise, There's Nothing Really Filthy.

My Comedy Is Romanticized Laziness.

Meredith Baxter Birney Gets Beaten By A Rod, In The Lifetime Original, Rod.

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

Isn't It Strange -- When You're Single, All You See Is Couples, And When You're Part Of A Couple, All You See Are Hookers.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

Oh Great, Socks. You Know I'm Dying For Your Sins Right? Yeah, But Thanks For The Socks! They'll Go Great With My Sandals. What Am I, German?

Whatever A Writer Gets Paid For His Book, It's Never Enough. I Think That's True. It's Hard Work. But In The End, You Wrote A Book. It's Something Real And Tangible That Sits On A Shelf Forever.

Don't You Think It's Strange How Many Referees Work At Footlocker?

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

My Wife Always Asks Me Why I Don't Make The Bed. And I Respond With The Same Reason Why I Don't Tie My Shoes After I Take Them Off.

I Got Married. My Wife Changed Her Name. I Know Some Women Have A Problem With That. But I Wanted Her To Have My Old Girlfriend's Name. So Call Me Old-fashioned, But This Fella Does What The Bible Tells.

I Think Being A Doctor Is Really Hard, And It's Really This Thankless, Never-ending Job. It's Not Even That You Get Done With A Project. There Are Always Sick People.

I Never Have Free Time, I Don't Know About You. You Ever Go To The Cash Machine, There's Two People In Line In Front Of You And You Get Kinda Flustered, You're Like "forget It! I'm Not Standing Here For 40 Seconds. I Got Things To Do, Okay?"

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

For A Comedian To Kind Of Catch Onto Something Right As Something's Catching On In Our Culture, A Lot Of It Is Luck, And You Hope The Joke Is Funny.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

My Faith Is Very Personal. It's Not Something That I Want To Project On Other People.

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

You Don't Use Mayonnaise, Why? ... Are You Addicted To Mayonnaise? Is It Okay If I Use Mayonnaise? I Could Go Outside.

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets. When You Go Back Up And Ask For More, The Guy Handing Them Out Always Treats You Like You're Taking From His Personal Stash. "looks Like My Kids Aren't Having Ketchup Tonight."

I Love Writing Stand-up So Much And Tinkering And Looking For Ideas.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Twitter Allowed Me To Talk About Parenting In Short Snippets And Find Out What I Really Wanted To Say About It, Which Is That I'm A Dad Who Had No Idea What He's Doing.

The Idea Of Having A Large Family, I Definitely Had A Romantic Notion Of It.

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

I Kind Of Consider Myself... I Mean, I Try To Have My Comedy Be Accessible, And If People Are Paying $30 To See Me In A Theater And They Want To Have Their Picture Taken With Me, It's Not The End Of The World. It's One Of Those Things, Where I'm Not The Only Comic Who Does It. A Lot Of Comics Do It. If I'm Doing A 4,000-seat Venue, It Might Be A Little Bit Of A Different Task, But It's All Good.

I Usually Don't Have A Burger, A Brat, And A Steak But It Is 4th Of July. And I Need The Energy If I'm Gonna Start Blowin Crap Up. It's What The Founding Fathers Would Want.

I've Always Wanted To Be An Actor. I've Never Planned On The Acting And The Stand-up Feeding Each Other; They've Always Been Separate Desires.

Faith Is Something That's - It's Hard To Articulate. It's - There's - It's Not Based On Logic.

I Saw This College Team Bowling Championship. Each Team Had Their Own Coach. What Kind Of Strategy Advice Is A Bowling Coach Giving? "you Know What? This Time Timmy, I Want You To Knock Down All The Pins." "you Sure?" "trust Me. Just Do It Son!"

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

I Love My Career, But I Feel Like You've Got To Babysit A Lot Of Aspects Of Things. Assuming That Things Will Be Handled Properly Is Just Naive. But I Think That's Anyone's Life, Right? Even If You're Running A Construction Site, It Doesn't Matter If You've Been Doing It For 20 Years, You're Still Going To Be Blindsided By Someone's Incompetence Or Indifference.

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

I Don't Curse On Stage, But I Feel Like I Curse More Because I Have Kids And In Front Of My Kids. Not Intentionally.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

There Were Times In My Life When I Had One Thing To Do All Day, But I Still Couldn’t Get To It. “i Gotta Go To The Post Office, But I’d Probably Have To Put On Pants. And They’re Only Open Till Five. Looks Like I’m Going To Have To Do That Next Week.

Whenever I'm Out Of Town For At Least A Week, I Feel Like I Should Write A Postcard Or Something, But You Can Be A Genius, You Try And Write A Postcard You Come Across Like A Moron Anyway: 'this City's Got Big Buildings. I Like Food. Bye.'

I Come From A Very Big Family. Nine Parents.

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I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

Stand-up Is An Amazing Art Form, I Think, Because It's All About You Having Complete Control Of The Situation, But Absolutely None.

I Like To Think Of Bread As Really Bland Cake.

I Think The Worst Professional Advice I Received Was This Kind Of Unspoken Message Of "sit Back And Wait Your Turn," Or "sit Back And Wait And Let Other People Do Things."

After You Eat A Hot Pocket, Everything Will Taste Like Rubber For A Month!

I Think Stand-up Comedy Is This - It's This Kind Of Indulgence And Narcissism.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

You Ever Mix Two Different Groups Of Friends? That Can Be Stressful. You Always Feel Like You Have To Prep 'em. You're Like, "these People Over Here, Uh, They Don't Think I Drink. And Don't Be Thrown By My British Accent."

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

Jesus If You Could Cure Our Son's Blindness That'd Be Great... And We'd Love Some Shelves Over There.

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

I Was Able To Make The Jump To Theaters Without Having A Tv Show. My Passion For Getting A Tv Show Just Plummeted. It Was Like I Had Already Achieved What I Wanted To Achieve.

The Pearly Gates. Am I The Only One Who Finds It Odd That Heaven Has Gates? What Kind Of Neighborhood Is Heaven In?

When I Started Stand-up - And This Is In The '90s - There Was Definitely People Hadn't Watched Decades Of Comedy Central, Where People Are Really Much More Educated On Stand-up Comedy.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

"i Got Up Early Because I Wanted To." - Nobody

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

I Feel Like, Even In This Crazy World Of Trump Getting Elected And These Things That Really Kind Of Caught Me Off-guard, I Feel Like I Understand Less Than I Did.

I Married A Woman Who Loves To Camp, And I Am What You Would Call "indoorsy"... My Wife Always Brings Up, "camping's A Tradition In My Family." Hey, It Was A Tradition In Everyone's Family 'til We Came Up With The House.

I Don't Have Any Delusions. I'm Not A Novelist - I'm A Comedian Who Writes. I Love Doing The Stand-up And The Touring And The Albums And All That, But It's Pretty Amazing To Go Into A Library And See Your Book There.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

That's Not To Say That I'm A Well-informed Catholic. I'm Still In Idiot.

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

The Thanksgiving Tradition Is, We Gorge. Hey, What About At Thanksgiving We Simply Consume A Considerable Measure? However We Do That Consistently! Goodness. Imagine A Scenario Where We Consume A Ton With Individuals Who Pester The Heck Out Of Us.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

Some People Have Their Own Bowling Ball And Their Own Bowling Shoes... And No Friends.

There's Something That's Really Fun About The Challenge Of Making The Mundane Funny, Too, I Think.

I Like To Stay In A Hotel Where It's A Dome Of Silence. I Can Sit In My Room And Do Nothing.

"entertainers Of Faith," Funnyman Jim Gaffigan Isn't Ashamed Of His Catholicism. He's Seen Here Leaving A New York Comedy Club With His Bible In Hand.

When People Look And Decide They Have Nothing In Common With Me - I'm 43, Balding, Blond, Whatever - There's Something Absolutely Invigorating About Winning Them Over. Even If It's Eight People From Sweden Who Don't Understand What I'm Talking About.

I Didn't Realize How Much Of A Hoosier Or A Midwesterner I Was Until I Moved To New York. It's Weird - Growing Up In Indiana, I Wanted To Get Out, And Now I Completely Romanticize Indiana. It Just Seems Like There's A Greater Focus On Family Back There, Which I Suppose Is Something That Kind Of Stayed With Me.

I Am Somebody Who - My Path To My Faith Is Very Kind Of Individual, And I Don't Want To Be Lumped Into The Category Of Those Westboro Baptists.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

The Whole Idea Of Comedy, There Is Nothing Normal About Going Up On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh. But I'm Also Not An Exhibitionist Like Other Comics. I'm Not Up There Talking About Masturbating.

I Don't Want To Get Involved In The Culture War. Religion's Iffy.

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

I Realized, In Removing Or Rewriting These Jokes, That Often The Jokes Weren't Done Or That I Was Using, For Me, The Curse Words As Kind Of A Crutch. So Then I Just Started Writing.

I'm An Eccentric, Silly, Observational Guy, But I'm Not Gonna Frighten Off Social Conservatives.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

This City Has So Many Beautiful Women. I Fall In Love Like Every Ten Minutes, I'm Sitting On The Subway, I'm Like, "there's My Wife... There She Is - Oh, She's Getting Off. All Right, There's The Woman - All Right, That's A Man."

Falling In Love

I Personally Have No Interest In Being A Star Or A Celebrity. I Want My Stand-up Comedy And How I Think As A Comedian To Be Recognized And Successful.

I Spent Most Of My Adult Life Essentially Agnostic Or An Atheist.

I've Never Tried Fatback. Probably 'cause It's Called Fatback. I Don't Know Which Word Creeps Me Out More: Fat Or Back. Why Don't They Just Throw In "hairy" While They're At It? "this Is Some Delicious Hairy Fatback."

Actually, The Reason I Look Like This Is Because My Father Was From Sweden And My Mother Was Elton John.

Hey, People Who Travel With Their Bed Pillow. You Look Insane.

Yeah The Appetizer, That's The Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food...no No You're Thinking Of Dessert, That's Food We Eat After We Have Our Food.

Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

I Think I Grew Up With The Idea That God Was A Punishing Being, Constructed Around Rules.

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators.

I Was Always Told That Hoosier Came From When Settlers In The State, When A Stranger Came On Their Property They'd Say, "who's There? Who's There?" So People That Were From Indiana Were The People That Said "who's There?" But What Do I Know? I Don't Read Or Interact With People Outside The Internet.

I'm A Comedian, Which Is The Opposite Of A Lifestyle That Equips You To Be A Parent.

I Just Want To Be Known As Funny.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

I Didn't Choose To Be The Guy Who Talks About The Mundane - It's Just Who I Am And It's What Kind Of Works For Me.

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

I Was Looking At A Bottle Of Water; They Have Nutritional Facts Printed On The Side. You Know, I'm No Chemist, But I Have A Rough Idea What's In Water.

Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant.

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

I Grew Up In Sheepshead Bay.

I Was Watching The Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? Why Don't They Just Call That One The Female?

I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana - Mafia.

There Are A Lot Of Good Looking Men On This Planet. It Seems Like Once A Week Someone Will Tell Me, "i Know Someone Who Looks Like You" And I Don't Know What Say To Them Except, "tell Them Hi."

I Would Make Sweet Love To Don Rickles.

You Wanna Know How Good Bacon Is? To Improve Other Food, They Wrap It In Bacon.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

Comics Write To Their Point Of View. If You're An Exceedingly Irreverent Comedian, You've Got To See Where That Point Of View Fits Or Produces The Most Funny.

I'm Not A Foodie; I'm An Eatie. I Don't Have Anything Against Foodies. I Just Don't Have The Time Or The Interest To Do That Much Research.

In Indiana, I Wasn't Anything Special. But In New York, I've Gone Out With Girls With Purple Hair Who Go Out With Me Because I'm Exotic!

I Grew Up In A Catholic Family In The Midwest. And I Knew People Of Different Faiths And People That Were Atheists And People That Were Agnostic.

Pie Can't Compete With Cake. Put Candles In A Cake, It's A Birthday Cake. Put Candles In A Pie, Someone's Drunk In The Kitchen.

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

I Should Clarify That Anyone That Goes Onstage And Makes Strangers Laugh Is Insane. So I Am Insane.

How Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water.

I Love Sleep. I Need Sleep. We All Do, Of Course. There Are Those People That Don't Need Sleep. I Think They're Called 'successful.

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

There Are Different Parts Of Us. You Want To Feel Safe But You Want To Also Feel Challenged.

Manhattan's Probably One Of The Bluest Parts In The Country, And Indiana's Definitely One Of The Redder States. I Have Sympathy For Both Sides.

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

Lifetime Is Television For Women. Yet For Some Reason, There's Always A Woman Getting Beaten On That Channel. "in A Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter-berney Gets Beaten With A Rod. In A Lifetime Original, Rod."

What's Amazing About Doing Movies, Compared To Television, There's An Ending You Can See. There's An Enthusiasm To It.

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

We Wrote About Having Five Kids And Bringing Them To Church. A Journalist At The Washington Post Wrote This Article Where The Headline Was "the New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And It Was A Bit Terrifying.

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

There Are Some People Who Know Who I Am But There Are A Lot Of People That Have No Idea Who I Am - Which Is Not To Say That That's A Bad Thing.

There's This Message To Comedians In Particular, That You Shouldn't Write It, And A Television Writer Should Write It. And That's A Prevailing Conventional Wisdom That I Think Is Really Wrong. That's Not To Say That Television Writers Aren't Great, But I Think That The Belief That Some Comedy Writer's Going To Be Able To Capture Your Voice Is Naive.

I Kinda Expected To Turn The Bottle And See A Recipe. "so That's How You Make Ice Cubes. Apparently You Just Freeze This Stuff. Oh, But You Need A Tray. That's How They Trick You Into It."

Holidays Are Also An Opportunity For Kids To Unlearn Every Good Habit They've Learned During The Rest Of The Year. They Don't Go To School. They Get To Stay Up Past Their Bedtime. They Get Candy And Presents For Doing Nothing. Childhood Utopia.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

I've Been Outed As A Christian.

I Try To Only Eat Animals That Are Vegan. I'm Probably The Opposite Of A Vegan.

I'm Closer To Bob Newhart Than Rodney Dangerfield.

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

I've Been Doing Theaters Like The Warner For About A Year And We've Found The Earlier You Get The Tickets On Sale The Better Idea You Get On How Many Shows We Will Be Doing.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

I Do Sierra Mist Commercials Not Because They Pay Me A Lot Of Money Or Because It Only Takes A Couple Of Days. I Do It Because I Have A Respect For All Sodas And I Like To Communicate That. Some People Say Soda, Some People Say Pop, Where I'm From In Indiana They Called It Breakfast.

When I'm In Touch With The Idea That There Is A Higher Power And That There Is, You Know, Other Factors At Work, It - It Kind Of Quells My Narcissism.

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

Who Was The First Person To Walk Into A Harbor And Say, "whatever That Horrible Smell Is I Want To Eat It"

I Am Single, I Don't Drink. It's Kind Of Hard To Get A Woman Buzzed When You Don't Drink. You'll Be Like, "yeah, I'll Have A Glass Of Water, You Want A Shot Of Jäger? You Want Eight Of 'em?"

Have You Seen The Bologna That Has The Olives In It? Who's That For? 'i Like My Bologna Like A Martini. With An Olive.' 'i'll Have The Bologna Sandwich - Dirty.'

I Didn't Think That It's Something That Would Happen. I Didn't Think I Would Be In The Position, Emotionally Or Financially, To Be Able To Do That. But I've Been Lucky [to Have Big Family].

Without Valentine's Day, February Would Be... Well, January.

I Would Say That Now I'm Somebody Who Goes To Church.

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

I Don't Want To Pick A Team. I Want To Make People Laugh And Hopefully Bring Some - Be Humorous About The Human Experience, You Know, Whether They're People Of Any Stripes Of Life.

Some Fast Food Places, They Have That Ketchup Pump. It's Like A Keg. They Give You The Paper Shot Glass. I Always Like To Hang Around There, Try And Meet The Ladies. "here, I'll Pump For You. You Come To This Wendy's Often? My Roommate And I, We Got A Pony Pump Back At My Dorm. Here's An Extra Shot "

There Is This False Perception That Comedians Can Never Be Serious. It's Like From Like The Era Of Court Jesters.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

It's Amazing How Email Has Changed Our Lives. You Ever Get A Handwritten Letter In The Mail Today? 'what The? Has Someone Been Kidnapped?'

I Curse In Everyday Life, But Usually When I Stub My Toe. The Topics I'm Discussing, It's Not Necessary To Curse. I Found [cursing] Is A Sign That A Joke Is Not Finished Or Well-written.

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

Stand-up Is So Rewarding, And I Enjoy The Acting Opportunities I've Had, But The Only Time I Really Feel Bad Is When I Feel Like I Have This Manufactured Belief That I Should Be Doing Something Else Or There Should Be Some Type Of Recognition. On An Intellectual Level, I Know It's Stupid.

really, There Are Two Types Of People Who Go Bowling. There Are People Who Really, Really Love Bowling. Then There Are The People That Are Like: Wouldnt It Be Hysterical If We Went Bowling?

I Don't Think Comedians Make An Active Decision To Be A Certain "persona." Comedians Write The Way They're Going To Write.

Bacon's The Best, Even The Frying Of Bacon Sounds Like An Applause.

Gyms Are Always Packed. The Only Machine Available Is The One That Simulates The Gynecological Exam. You Know, The Sharon Stone Machine.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

You Didn't Question - Kind Of Like, You Would Go To College. You Would Wear A Tie To Work. You Would, You Know, You Would Work For 40 Years. And Then You Would Play Golf For Three Years, And Then You Would Die. That Was How I Was Raised.

I Like That In My Audiences, There's A Lesbian Couple Sitting Next To A Mormon Family.

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

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