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It's Like In Most Parts Of America, Where There Was Industry And There Is No Longer; There Is Cynicism Mixed With Sarcasm And Some Optimism. That's How My Background Influenced My Comedy.

-Jim Gaffigan

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It's Like In Most

Jim Gaffigan

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It's Like In Most Parts Of America, Where There Was Industry And There Is No Longer; There Is Cynicism Mixed With Sarcasm And Some Optimism. That's How My Background Influenced My Comedy.

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For Me, It's Always A Little Sad Getting Out Of Bed. Every Morning After I Get Up, I Always Gaze Longingly At My Bed And Lament, 'you Were Wonderful Last Night. I Didn't Want It To End. I Can't Wait To See You Again.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

Don't You Expect A Rainbow Coming Out Of The Tub Of Bacon Strips At The End Of The Buffet Line?

If Camping Is So Great, Why Are The Bugs Always Trying To Get In Your House?

Wouldn't It Have Been Weird To Go To High School With The Pope? You Know, Somebody Did, Someone's Sitting At Home, Watching Tv In Poland, They See The Pope, They Think, "that Guy Was A Jerk! He Was So Mean To Me And Now He's Pope? I Got A Swirly From The Pope!"

The Thanksgiving Tradition Is, We Gorge. Hey, What About At Thanksgiving We Simply Consume A Considerable Measure? However We Do That Consistently! Goodness. Imagine A Scenario Where We Consume A Ton With Individuals Who Pester The Heck Out Of Us.

I Love How New York Is So Multicultural. I Wish I Was Ethnic, I'm Nothing. Because If You're Hispanic And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'he's Got A Latin Temper!' If You're A White Guy And You Get Angry, People Are Like, 'that Guy's A Jerk.'

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."

Gyms Are Always Packed. The Only Machine Available Is The One That Simulates The Gynecological Exam. You Know, The Sharon Stone Machine.

I Feel Guilty If I'm Not Reading Books, But I Read Scripts Of Movies Or Things That I Know I'm Committed To That I'm Going To Do The Project. I Tell Myself, "i'm Going To Read This Script Like Six Times," And I Only Read It The Initial Time.

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

I Don't Have Any Delusions. I'm Not A Novelist - I'm A Comedian Who Writes. I Love Doing The Stand-up And The Touring And The Albums And All That, But It's Pretty Amazing To Go Into A Library And See Your Book There.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

I Live In New York City, But It Doesn't Matter If You're In Any Large, Metropolitan Area, There's Kind Of A Little Bit Of Survival-of-the-fittest, So When You Encounter Kindness Or People Going Out Of Their Way In An Empathetic Way, It's Almost Startling.

You Never Want To Be The Worst Bowler Of The Group-because Then Everyone Treats You Like You Have Cancer. "you Can Do It! We're Praying For You." The Advice Starts. "use A Heavier Ball." "keep Your Arm Straight." "you Should Get A Vasectomy." If You're Really Bad At Bowling Like Me, They'll Ask If Want The Bumpers Up. Not That Bowling Is That Complex Anyway. "you Want The Bumpers? We Can Get Rid Of The Pins. Why Don't You Take This Coloring Book And Sit In The Corner?"

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

Hey, People Who Travel With Their Bed Pillow. You Look Insane.

There's A Certain Balance Between Finding An Opportunity To Do What You Really Enjoy And Getting Caught Up In The Flattery Of People Wanting You To Do Things.

Lifetime Is Television For Women. Yet For Some Reason, There's Always A Woman Getting Beaten On That Channel. "in A Lifetime Original, Meredith Baxter-berney Gets Beaten With A Rod. In A Lifetime Original, Rod."

I Love Writing Stand-up So Much And Tinkering And Looking For Ideas.

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

I Smoke Crack. I Get All My Dancers Together And We Do A Prayer.

You Can Never Find The Right Bowling Ball. This One's Too Heavy. This One's Good But Its Pink!

I Was Looking At A Bottle Of Water; They Have Nutritional Facts Printed On The Side. You Know, I'm No Chemist, But I Have A Rough Idea What's In Water.

Jesus If You Could Cure Our Son's Blindness That'd Be Great... And We'd Love Some Shelves Over There.

The Amount Of Guilt You Deal With As A Parent Is Pretty Profound. It's A Constant Balancing Act. I'm An Ambitious Person, But When I Became A Father, Ambition Had A Different Hold On Me. Providing For My Kids Was Important, But The Superficial Ambition Drifted Away.

I Talk Kinda Slow, Especially For The Northeast, So It Was A Way To Beat [would-be Hecklers] To The Punch.

Failing And Laughing At Your Own Shortcomings Are The Hallmarks Of A Sane Parent.

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

I Can't Believe We Got Grades In Gym Class. I've Never Used Anything I Learned In There. "all Right, I'm Standing In Front Of A Room Full Of Strangers. Based On What I Learned In Gym Class, I Will Throw A Red Ball At A Fat Guy."

Don't You Think It's Strange How Many Referees Work At Footlocker?

I Married A Woman Who Loves To Camp, And I Am What You Would Call "indoorsy"... My Wife Always Brings Up, "camping's A Tradition In My Family." Hey, It Was A Tradition In Everyone's Family 'til We Came Up With The House.

I Usually Don't Have A Burger, A Brat, And A Steak But It Is 4th Of July. And I Need The Energy If I'm Gonna Start Blowin Crap Up. It's What The Founding Fathers Would Want.

Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

A Lot Of The Teachings Really Kind Of Keep Me Grounded.

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

I See Some People With Glasses Here, I Trust People With Glasses, Don't You? But If You're Wearing Your Glasses Like This ... "get Away From 'em!"

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

Besides Hot Pockets Keeps Introducing New Products Every 10 Minutes So I Always Have New Stuff On The Topic.

Introducing New

I Wish, In Some Ways, I Was The Type Of Comedian Who Could Do Something Blistering And Topical, But I'm The Guy Who Gets Stuck In The Revolving Door And Thinks I Should Write About That.

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

Oh Great, Socks. You Know I'm Dying For Your Sins Right? Yeah, But Thanks For The Socks! They'll Go Great With My Sandals. What Am I, German?

I Don't Know If I'm The Husky Guy, But I'm The Sexy Guy Who's A Good Kisser .

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You. So I Feel Like With Food, It Is A Passion Of Mine. It's Where My Sensibility Rests. I Love Topics That Are Universal, And I Love Stuff That Doesn't Alienate People.

I Like That In My Audiences, There's A Lesbian Couple Sitting Next To A Mormon Family.

Stand-up Comedy In The End, Unlike The Rest Of The Entertainment Industry, Is A Meritocracy. There's A Certain Level Of Undeniability You Can Work Toward.

Now That I'm Married And Have Two Beautiful Children, It Really Makes Me Appreciate... Being Alone.

I'm A Big Eater. I Mean, A Lot Of My Stand-up Is About Food, And You Write About What You Know, And That's The Only Thing I Know. I Don't Know Anything Else.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

If Someone Picks Up One Thing You've Written, You Want Them To Go, 'wow, This Is Pretty Good.'

I Saw This College Team Bowling Championship. Each Team Had Their Own Coach. What Kind Of Strategy Advice Is A Bowling Coach Giving? "you Know What? This Time Timmy, I Want You To Knock Down All The Pins." "you Sure?" "trust Me. Just Do It Son!"

How'd We Come Up With The Robe? Was Some Guy Just Like, 'hey, I've Got An Idea! Why Don't We Make A Coat Out Of A Towel? You Can Have A Little Belt That Goes Around. You Could Dunk The Belt In The Toilet! Have A Toilet Belt.'

I've Been Outed As A Christian.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

Deep Frying A Twinkie Makes It Healthy, Right?

I Guess The Reasons Against Having More Children Always Seem Uninspiring And Superficial. What Exactly Am I Missing Out On? Money? A Few More Hours Of Sleep? A More Peaceful Meal? More Hair? These Are Nothing Compared To What I Get From These Five Monsters Who Rule My Life.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

If I Was On An Airplane, The People In Coach Would Know Who I Am. But No One In First Class Would Know.

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

I'm There To Make People Laugh. I'm Not Trying To Come Across As Sexy.

Steakhouses Sort Of Have This Old-school Nature To Them; They're Like Museums Full Of Good Food. It's Fun Hearing The Waiter Share His Expertise On The Different Cuts Of Beef And How They're Going To Cut Up Your Baked Potato.

I Always Had This Romantic Notion Of Living In New York. I Just Felt Like, Everyone Could Be Different And Weird And Whatever They Are In New York.

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

It Really Never Came Up, But I Think That In Present-day America, They're - You Know, And I Touched On It In The Initial Clip - Is That We Are In The Middle Of This Culture War.

I Would Say Some Of The Food I Talk About That I Really Enjoy, Like Cake And Bacon, I Eat A Lot Less Than I Portray In My Act. But That Stuff That I Dislike, It's Pretty Sincere.

The Whole Idea Of Celebrity Is Flattering - It Helps You Get Into Restaurants And Stuff - But Once You Obtain Some Creative Fulfillment, Which You Do On A Nightly Basis As A Comedian, It's Hard To Give That Up Just To Be The Wacky Neighbor On A Show.

My Faith Kind Of Keeps Me In Touch With The Idea That I'm Not In Control Of Things.

I Do Want Everyone To Feel Comfortable. That's Why I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus.

I Am Somebody Who - My Path To My Faith Is Very Kind Of Individual, And I Don't Want To Be Lumped Into The Category Of Those Westboro Baptists.

It Took Me A Long Time To Understand Not To Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. It Really Comes Down To Creative Fulfillment. It Took Me A While To Realize I Don't Want To Just Be On A Show To Be On A Show.

My Wife's Gotten Really Lazy, Or As She Calls It, 'pregnant.'

You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

There Is The Vegetarian Hot Pocket For Those Of Us Who Don't Want To Eat Meat, But Would Still Like Diarrhea.

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

I Realize I Look Very Hip Hop But I'm Really More Emo With A Definite Brazilian Flavor.

You Ever Mix Two Different Groups Of Friends? That Can Be Stressful. You Always Feel Like You Have To Prep 'em. You're Like, "these People Over Here, Uh, They Don't Think I Drink. And Don't Be Thrown By My British Accent."

It's Amazing How Email Has Changed Our Lives. You Ever Get A Handwritten Letter In The Mail Today? 'what The? Has Someone Been Kidnapped?'

My Comedy Is Romanticized Laziness.

Cookies At Both Of Them. The Cookies Are Probably Better At Letterman Though.

It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

When You Have Five Little Kids, You're Not Going To Open Mindy Kaling's Latest Book. You're Playing With Your Kids.

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

There Are Different Parts Of Us. You Want To Feel Safe But You Want To Also Feel Challenged.

You Ever Read A Book That Changed Your Life? Me Neither.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

I Recently Bought Extreme Chunky Peanut Butter. I Opened It Up.. .it Was Just Peanuts. Wow That Is Extreme!

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

I Was Able To Make The Jump To Theaters Without Having A Tv Show. My Passion For Getting A Tv Show Just Plummeted. It Was Like I Had Already Achieved What I Wanted To Achieve.

I Try To Only Eat Animals That Are Vegan. I'm Probably The Opposite Of A Vegan.

I Think Being A Doctor Is Really Hard, And It's Really This Thankless, Never-ending Job. It's Not Even That You Get Done With A Project. There Are Always Sick People.

It's Like In Most Parts Of America, Where There Was Industry And There Is No Longer; There Is Cynicism Mixed With Sarcasm And Some Optimism. That's How My Background Influenced My Comedy.

As I Go On In Standup, I Keep Being Described As Cleaner And Cleaner As I Do Each Hour, They're Like, 'it's Unbelievable How Clean,' 'he's The Cleanest Person In The World.' And Then I'll Do Shows And People Will Be Like, 'you're Supposed To Be So Clean, But You're Talking About Cancer.'

I Spend Way Too Much Time On Facebook And Myspace To Feel Too Uncomfortable At This. I Like To Think Of The Internet As An Effective Way To Waste Time And Time.

I'm Not A Strict Vegetarian. I Do Eat Beef And Pork. And Chicken. But Not Fish 'cause That's Disgusting! How Do You Know When Fish Goes Bad? It Smells Like Fish Either Way! 'hey This Smells Like A Dumpster, Lets Eat It!'

I Am Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana - Mafia.

I Didn't Choose To Be The Guy Who Talks About The Mundane - It's Just Who I Am And It's What Kind Of Works For Me.

I Would Say I'm - In The Show, I'm A Cultural Catholic, Which Is What I Was.

Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

I Think I Grew Up With The Idea That God Was A Punishing Being, Constructed Around Rules.

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

The Pearly Gates. Am I The Only One Who Finds It Odd That Heaven Has Gates? What Kind Of Neighborhood Is Heaven In?

I Grew Up In A Catholic Family In The Midwest. And I Knew People Of Different Faiths And People That Were Atheists And People That Were Agnostic.

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

If You're A Guy Over 30 By Yourself In The Hotel Pool, You Automatically Look Like A Murderer Who's Just Relaxing After He Strangled A Family. "yeah-that Dad Was A Tough One To Kill."

I Grew Up 45 Minutes Outside Of Chicago.

Babies And Toddlers Are Mostly What I've Been Exposed To At This Point. I'm Hoping Parenting Just Gets Much Easier After This. It Does, Right?

Yeah The Appetizer, That's The Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food...no No You're Thinking Of Dessert, That's Food We Eat After We Have Our Food.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

What's Amazing About Doing Movies, Compared To Television, There's An Ending You Can See. There's An Enthusiasm To It.

My Wife And I, We Work Together. And We Wrote This Book, "dad Is Fat." And In The Book, I Was Encouraged Constantly By My Editor To Be More Personal And Talk About More Personal Experiences.

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

I'd Really Like To Promote My Increasing Consumption Of Bacon.

I'm A Comedian, Which Is The Opposite Of A Lifestyle That Equips You To Be A Parent.

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

I Don't Want To Get Involved In The Culture War. Religion's Iffy.

Ever Eat So Much You Feel Sick? Isn't That The Best?

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

I Believe That Comedians Do What They Do, And Then They Get Credit Or Criticism For Doing It. There's Nothing Planned About This.

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."

I Personally Have No Interest In Being A Star Or A Celebrity. I Want My Stand-up Comedy And How I Think As A Comedian To Be Recognized And Successful.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

Comics Write To Their Point Of View. If You're An Exceedingly Irreverent Comedian, You've Got To See Where That Point Of View Fits Or Produces The Most Funny.

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

Some Fast Food Places, They Have That Ketchup Pump. It's Like A Keg. They Give You The Paper Shot Glass. I Always Like To Hang Around There, Try And Meet The Ladies. "here, I'll Pump For You. You Come To This Wendy's Often? My Roommate And I, We Got A Pony Pump Back At My Dorm. Here's An Extra Shot "

For Stand-up Comedians That Go Onstage And Get To Write And Perform And Direct, And Do All These Things, The Allure Of A Television Show Is Still There But If It Doesn't Offer A Level Of Creative Fulfillment, It's Oddly Unappealing.

I Feel Like, Even In This Crazy World Of Trump Getting Elected And These Things That Really Kind Of Caught Me Off-guard, I Feel Like I Understand Less Than I Did.

My Kids Are Always Awake. It's They're Taking Shifts. 'alright, I'll Annoy 'em From Midnight To . Who Wants To ?'

Without Valentine's Day, February Would Be... Well, January.

I Never Have Free Time, I Don't Know About You. You Ever Go To The Cash Machine, There's Two People In Line In Front Of You And You Get Kinda Flustered, You're Like "forget It! I'm Not Standing Here For 40 Seconds. I Got Things To Do, Okay?"

I Curse In Everyday Life, But Usually When I Stub My Toe. The Topics I'm Discussing, It's Not Necessary To Curse. I Found [cursing] Is A Sign That A Joke Is Not Finished Or Well-written.

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

I'd Been Acting And Doing Stand-up In New York About Eight Years, Getting Rejected, And I Finally Got The Opportunity To Do Stand-up On Letterman, Which Holds Even More Importance For Me. With Comedians, That's Definitely The Pinnacle, But Being From Indiana, It Was A Big To-do.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

I'm Bald, Blind And Pale. I'm Like A Gigantic Recessive Gene.

I Think When I Started Doing Stand-up, That's When I Really Tried To Question Everything In My Belief System Which Is - I Think A Pretty Important Part Of Being A Comedian Is Really Questioning Things.

It's Weird, I Love Acting And Stand-up Is A Very Unique, Solitary Thing Where You Are The Writer, Performer And Director. But Acting Is Incredibly Rewarding, Working And Interacting With People To Create Funny Moments. I Can't Imagine Not Doing Acting Or Stand-up, I Really Enjoy Both Of Them That Much.

No One Goes Into Standup To Make Money. The Frustration And Rejection Are Just Too Much.

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

really, There Are Two Types Of People Who Go Bowling. There Are People Who Really, Really Love Bowling. Then There Are The People That Are Like: Wouldnt It Be Hysterical If We Went Bowling?

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

I Think I Have A Lot Of Voices In My Head And I Guess My Inner Critic Is A Female.

I Think That There's Part Of Me That Feels Like Maybe I Should Have Been More Social.

I Come From A Very Big Family. Nine Parents.

I Kind Of Consider Myself... I Mean, I Try To Have My Comedy Be Accessible, And If People Are Paying $30 To See Me In A Theater And They Want To Have Their Picture Taken With Me, It's Not The End Of The World. It's One Of Those Things, Where I'm Not The Only Comic Who Does It. A Lot Of Comics Do It. If I'm Doing A 4,000-seat Venue, It Might Be A Little Bit Of A Different Task, But It's All Good.

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

There Are A Lot Of Good Looking Men On This Planet. It Seems Like Once A Week Someone Will Tell Me, "i Know Someone Who Looks Like You" And I Don't Know What Say To Them Except, "tell Them Hi."

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

For A Comedian To Kind Of Catch Onto Something Right As Something's Catching On In Our Culture, A Lot Of It Is Luck, And You Hope The Joke Is Funny.

In The End, The Type Of Parent You Are Is Going To Be Something That You Carry With You. ... Having Multiple Kids, It's Been A Gift In A Way. It's Keeping The Priorities Straighter.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

Actually, The Reason I Look Like This Is Because My Father Was From Sweden And My Mother Was Elton John.

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.

Ireland Is A Place That's Beautiful And Interesting, But I Remember When I Went There As A Teenager With My Parents, I Was Like, "okay, I'll Go To Ireland With My Parents. It's Going To Be Green." I Think People Underestimate It, In That It's, "oh, It's Green," And Then You Get There, And It's Like, "wow, It Is Green!" It's, "oh, There's Irish Music," And Then You Get There, And You're Like, "oh, This Irish Music Is Amazing!" You Underestimate It.

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

I'm Kind Of Like A Guy Who's Missing A Little Bit Of The Guy Gene. Like, I Love Steak, But The Notion Of Golfing Is The Last Thing I Would Want To Do. I Love Women, But I'm Also A Mama's Boy, And Some Of My Best Friends Are Women. So I'm Kinda Half Guy's Guy.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

You Know, I Want To Teach, But I Don’t Want To Read?

I Do Kind Of Aspire To Do Comedy That Appeals To A Wide Range Of Audiences And Doesn't Divide People. I Never Want To Do Material That Makes People Laugh At The Expense Of Making Other People Feel Bad - Not To Say I'm Not Guilty Of That At Times. ... I Try And Make Humor Out Of The Really Important Issues Of The Day, Like Hot Pockets And Elevators And Not Wanting To Get Out Of Bed.

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

When I Started Stand-up - And This Is In The '90s - There Was Definitely People Hadn't Watched Decades Of Comedy Central, Where People Are Really Much More Educated On Stand-up Comedy.

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

I Don't Think Comedians Make An Active Decision To Be A Certain "persona." Comedians Write The Way They're Going To Write.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

I've Always Wanted To Be An Actor. I've Never Planned On The Acting And The Stand-up Feeding Each Other; They've Always Been Separate Desires.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

Well My Chocolate Is So Good I Could Sell It In An Obnoxious Prism Shape.

My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

There Are Some People Who Know Who I Am But There Are A Lot Of People That Have No Idea Who I Am - Which Is Not To Say That That's A Bad Thing.

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

The Real Question Is Should We Trust People Who Don't Like Cheese?

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Kathryn Bigelow

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