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I Realize I Look Very Hip Hop But I'm Really More Emo With A Definite Brazilian Flavor.

-Jim Gaffigan

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I Realize I Look

Jim Gaffigan

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I Realize I Look Very Hip Hop But I'm Really More Emo With A Definite Brazilian Flavor.

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But In Indiana It's Not Like New York Where Everyone's Like, 'we're From New York And We're The Best' Or 'we're From Texas And We Like Things Big' It's More Like 'we're From Indiana And We're Gonna Move.

I Don't Know, I Find That Honestly, The Stand-up Thing In Some Ways Is A Little Bit Of A Cliché To Carry Around, Because People Don't Consider Stand-ups Really Actors.

Some Of My Fear And Anxieties Surrounding Faith, I Think, Provides Some Good Comedy For My Act.

I Grew Up 45 Minutes Outside Of Chicago.

Weight Watchers Says Nothing Tastes Better Than Thin Feels. I Can Think Of A Thousand Things That Taste Better Than Thin Feels.

Weight Watchers

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

Cancer Is Always Funny.

Hey, People Who Travel With Their Bed Pillow. You Look Insane.

I Need The Concept Of Mercy For Me To Have Some Semblance Of Self-admiration. So In Real Life, I'm Probably Somebody Who Is More Devout.

I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

Don't Take This The Wrong Way But I Care More And I'm A Better Online Friend Than You. I Also Spend Way To Much Time Online.

It's Amazing How Email Has Changed Our Lives. You Ever Get A Handwritten Letter In The Mail Today? 'what The? Has Someone Been Kidnapped?'

I Was Able To Make The Jump To Theaters Without Having A Tv Show. My Passion For Getting A Tv Show Just Plummeted. It Was Like I Had Already Achieved What I Wanted To Achieve.

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

I Told My Son, Who's 11, "look, I Don't Care If You Curse - It's Other People That Care." So We Tried That Experiment, And He Just Cursed All The Time. And I Was Like, "all Right, Now I Care That You Curse." You Try To Have This Idealized View, And It's Like, "i Don't Care." But It's Just Going To Cause Chaos.

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

It's Kind Of Hard To Articulate, But, Like, This Notion Of Mercy, Forgiveness, Was Very Appealing For Me. It Was Very Profound. And It Had A Deep Impact, And I Think It Still Does.

I Love Writing Stand-up So Much And Tinkering And Looking For Ideas.

The Dc Improv Food Is Amazingly Edible For A Comedy Club.

All I Want To Do Is Be A Good Dad, But I'm Pretty Bad At It.

I'd Really Like To Promote My Increasing Consumption Of Bacon.

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

I Like To Stay In A Hotel Where It's A Dome Of Silence. I Can Sit In My Room And Do Nothing.

Meredith Baxter Birney Gets Beaten By A Rod, In The Lifetime Original, Rod.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Comics Write To Their Point Of View. If You're An Exceedingly Irreverent Comedian, You've Got To See Where That Point Of View Fits Or Produces The Most Funny.

I Definitely Write About Things That Are Universal, That Everyone Can Identify With. You're Supposed To Write About Things You're Passionate About And I Guess I Am A Foodie. I Do Love Food And It's Kind Of Like I'm An Eccentric Observationalist Guy. To Make It Kind Of Universal, I Try A Lot Of Different Things. When I First Started Writing This, I Was Like, 'no Food.' Then, You Know, It Just Always Goes There.

I Think When I Started Doing Stand-up, That's When I Really Tried To Question Everything In My Belief System Which Is - I Think A Pretty Important Part Of Being A Comedian Is Really Questioning Things.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

I Do Want Everyone To Feel Comfortable. That's Why I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus.

You Ever Look For The Remote Control, But You Can't Find It, So You Just Decide, "ah, Guess I'm Not Watching Tv. I'm Not Gonna Take Two Steps And Turn It On Myself. I'll Go To The Gym If I'm Going To Work Out."

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

I've Always Wanted To Be An Actor. I've Never Planned On The Acting And The Stand-up Feeding Each Other; They've Always Been Separate Desires.

As An Actor, You Deal With So Much Rejection And Humiliation. When The Good Things Come Around, You Tend Not To Trust Your Instincts.

I'm Not A Strict Vegetarian. I Do Eat Beef And Pork. And Chicken. But Not Fish 'cause That's Disgusting! How Do You Know When Fish Goes Bad? It Smells Like Fish Either Way! 'hey This Smells Like A Dumpster, Lets Eat It!'

It's Good To Be Back In New York. I Have Lived Here Ten Years. I'm Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But The Fact Of The Matter Is Where I Grew Up There Was Something Very Similar To The Mafia: 4-h.

My Wife Told Me That In The Bible, Abraham Circumcised Himself... Wow! I Can't Even Get To The Bank Before It Closes.

It's So Obvious The Weather Channel Is Pro Hurricane. Fair And Balanced My Ass.

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

My Children Have Made Me A Better Man, Which Is - In The End, That's Probably More Important Than Two More Comedy Specials Or Being In Better Shape.

Don't You Expect A Rainbow Coming Out Of The Tub Of Bacon Strips At The End Of The Buffet Line?

I Can't Believe We Got Grades In Gym Class. I've Never Used Anything I Learned In There. "all Right, I'm Standing In Front Of A Room Full Of Strangers. Based On What I Learned In Gym Class, I Will Throw A Red Ball At A Fat Guy."

Some Fast Food Places, They Have That Ketchup Pump. It's Like A Keg. They Give You The Paper Shot Glass. I Always Like To Hang Around There, Try And Meet The Ladies. "here, I'll Pump For You. You Come To This Wendy's Often? My Roommate And I, We Got A Pony Pump Back At My Dorm. Here's An Extra Shot "

I Would Say Some Of The Food I Talk About That I Really Enjoy, Like Cake And Bacon, I Eat A Lot Less Than I Portray In My Act. But That Stuff That I Dislike, It's Pretty Sincere.

It Took Me A Long Time To Understand Not To Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. It Really Comes Down To Creative Fulfillment. It Took Me A While To Realize I Don't Want To Just Be On A Show To Be On A Show.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

I Guess The Reasons Against Having More Children Always Seem Uninspiring And Superficial. What Exactly Am I Missing Out On? Money? A Few More Hours Of Sleep? A More Peaceful Meal? More Hair? These Are Nothing Compared To What I Get From These Five Monsters Who Rule My Life.

I Think It's Important To Control Your Opportunities, Because In The Entertainment World, It's Not Up To You. I'm Not Sitting Here Under This Naïve Belief That Someone In Hollywood Is Going, "gaffigan! What Kind Of A Show Can I Build Around Him?" So You Have To Find Things That Can Showcase Your Point Of View.

My Wife And I, We Work Together. And We Wrote This Book, "dad Is Fat." And In The Book, I Was Encouraged Constantly By My Editor To Be More Personal And Talk About More Personal Experiences.

I Live In New York City, But It Doesn't Matter If You're In Any Large, Metropolitan Area, There's Kind Of A Little Bit Of Survival-of-the-fittest, So When You Encounter Kindness Or People Going Out Of Their Way In An Empathetic Way, It's Almost Startling.

My Favorite Vegetable Is The Marshmallow.

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

The Reason I Say I'm A Horrible Person Is I Don't Want Myself To Be Presented As Somebody Who's A Great Catholic.

Horrible Person

Oh Great, Socks. You Know I'm Dying For Your Sins Right? Yeah, But Thanks For The Socks! They'll Go Great With My Sandals. What Am I, German?

I Realized, In Removing Or Rewriting These Jokes, That Often The Jokes Weren't Done Or That I Was Using, For Me, The Curse Words As Kind Of A Crutch. So Then I Just Started Writing.

I Think Being A Doctor Is Really Hard, And It's Really This Thankless, Never-ending Job. It's Not Even That You Get Done With A Project. There Are Always Sick People.

We Are All A Little Weird. And We Like To Think That There Is Always Someone Weirder. I Mean, I Am Sure Some Of You Are Looking At Me And Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As You,” And I Am Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As The People In The Loony Bin,” And The People In The Loony Bin Are Thinking, “well, At Least I Am An Orange”.

I Should Clarify That Anyone That Goes Onstage And Makes Strangers Laugh Is Insane. So I Am Insane.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

I Am Single, I Don't Drink. It's Kind Of Hard To Get A Woman Buzzed When You Don't Drink. You'll Be Like, "yeah, I'll Have A Glass Of Water, You Want A Shot Of Jäger? You Want Eight Of 'em?"

When People Look And Decide They Have Nothing In Common With Me - I'm 43, Balding, Blond, Whatever - There's Something Absolutely Invigorating About Winning Them Over. Even If It's Eight People From Sweden Who Don't Understand What I'm Talking About.

You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

I Think The Worst Professional Advice I Received Was This Kind Of Unspoken Message Of "sit Back And Wait Your Turn," Or "sit Back And Wait And Let Other People Do Things."

Without Valentine's Day, February Would Be... Well, January.

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

People Get Burned Out In Big Families, You Can Even See It In The Naming Of Children. Like The First Kid, "you Were Named After Grandma." The Seventh Kid, "you Were Named After A Sandwich I Had. Now Get Your Brother, Reuben."

Yeah The Appetizer, That's The Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food...no No You're Thinking Of Dessert, That's Food We Eat After We Have Our Food.

You Can Never Find The Right Bowling Ball. This One's Too Heavy. This One's Good But Its Pink!

The Whole Idea Of Comedy, There Is Nothing Normal About Going Up On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh. But I'm Also Not An Exhibitionist Like Other Comics. I'm Not Up There Talking About Masturbating.

When I Started Stand-up - And This Is In The '90s - There Was Definitely People Hadn't Watched Decades Of Comedy Central, Where People Are Really Much More Educated On Stand-up Comedy.

There's Something About Being A Parent That Has, I Think, Made Me A Better Comedian.

The Real Question Is Should We Trust People Who Don't Like Cheese?

There Are Some People Who Know Who I Am But There Are A Lot Of People That Have No Idea Who I Am - Which Is Not To Say That That's A Bad Thing.

The Ridiculousness And Idiocy Of Life Is Embraced And Examined. It Nurtures The Childhood Perspective In Everyone.

When You Have Five Little Kids, You're Not Going To Open Mindy Kaling's Latest Book. You're Playing With Your Kids.

No Matter How You Feel About Your Extended Family Or Family Gatherings You Will Be Attending. This Is Because Now The Ultimate Reason For Attending Family Gatherings Is For Your Children To Have The Time Of Their Lives With Their Cousins. Little Kids Love Their Cousins. I’m Not Being Cute Or Exaggerating Here. Cousins Are Like Celebrities For Little Kids. If Little Kids Had A People Magazine, Cousins Would Be On The Cover. Cousins Are The Barometers Of How Fun A Family Get-together Will Be. “are The Cousins Going To Be There? Fun!

I Love Standup Comedians. I Really Do.

Stand Up Comedian

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

I've Been Doing Theaters Like The Warner For About A Year And We've Found The Earlier You Get The Tickets On Sale The Better Idea You Get On How Many Shows We Will Be Doing.

I Was Always Told That Hoosier Came From When Settlers In The State, When A Stranger Came On Their Property They'd Say, "who's There? Who's There?" So People That Were From Indiana Were The People That Said "who's There?" But What Do I Know? I Don't Read Or Interact With People Outside The Internet.

Faith Is Something That's - It's Hard To Articulate. It's - There's - It's Not Based On Logic.

Once You Put Bacon Into A Salad It's No Longer A Salad, It Just Becomes A Game Of Find The Bacon In The Lettuce. It's Like You're Panning For Gold, Hmmmmm, Eureka!

My Faith Is Very Personal. It's Not Something That I Want To Project On Other People.

I Didn't Realize How Much Of A Hoosier Or A Midwesterner I Was Until I Moved To New York. It's Weird - Growing Up In Indiana, I Wanted To Get Out, And Now I Completely Romanticize Indiana. It Just Seems Like There's A Greater Focus On Family Back There, Which I Suppose Is Something That Kind Of Stayed With Me.

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

I Initially Signed Up For Twitter Just To Do Jokes I Wasn't Going To Do In My Stand-up Routine.

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."

I Grew Up In Sheepshead Bay.

I Do Kind Of Aspire To Do Comedy That Appeals To A Wide Range Of Audiences And Doesn't Divide People. I Never Want To Do Material That Makes People Laugh At The Expense Of Making Other People Feel Bad - Not To Say I'm Not Guilty Of That At Times. ... I Try And Make Humor Out Of The Really Important Issues Of The Day, Like Hot Pockets And Elevators And Not Wanting To Get Out Of Bed.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

The Entertainment Business Is Such A Strange, Crazy Perception Business That You're Either Given Way Too Much Respect, Like People Saying, "you Should Be The Head Of The Sitcom!" Or You're Given No Respect, Where They're Like, "you Should Audition To Be The Garbage Man That Lives Four Houses Down."

I Know That Colbert Could Quote Thomas Aquinas And All This, But I'm Somebody Who, Because It's A Necessity For Me On A Personal Basis. I Need It Because I'm A Lunatic.

I Do Sierra Mist Commercials Not Because They Pay Me A Lot Of Money Or Because It Only Takes A Couple Of Days. I Do It Because I Have A Respect For All Sodas And I Like To Communicate That. Some People Say Soda, Some People Say Pop, Where I'm From In Indiana They Called It Breakfast.

As A Dad, You Are The Vice President Of The Executive Branch Of Parenting. It Doesn't Matter What Your Personality Is Like, You Will Always Be Al Gore To Your Wife's Bill Clinton. She Feels The Pain And You Are The Annoying Nerd Telling Them To Turn Off The Lights.

If Someone Picks Up One Thing You've Written, You Want Them To Go, 'wow, This Is Pretty Good.'

I'm Afraid Of A Couple Things. I'm Afraid Of Getting Caught Up In Other People's Expectations, Because I Feel Like That's An Ongoing Battle.

I Personally Have No Interest In Being A Star Or A Celebrity. I Want My Stand-up Comedy And How I Think As A Comedian To Be Recognized And Successful.

I Just Want To Be Known As Funny.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

What Was The Idea Behind Hot Pockets? Was There A Marketing Meeting Somewhere, 'hey I Got An Idea: How About We Take A Pop-tart And Fill It With Really Nasty Meat? You Could Cook It In A Sleeve Thing, And You Could Dunk It In The Toilet.'

The Whole Idea Of Celebrity Is Flattering - It Helps You Get Into Restaurants And Stuff - But Once You Obtain Some Creative Fulfillment, Which You Do On A Nightly Basis As A Comedian, It's Hard To Give That Up Just To Be The Wacky Neighbor On A Show.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

Don't You Think It's Strange How Many Referees Work At Footlocker?

It Doesn't Matter If You're Religious Or Not. Does Anything Make You Feel More Uncomfortable Than Some Stranger Going, I'd Like To Talk To You About Jesus?

The Hardest Part Of The Day Is All The Stuff After I Open My Eyes In The Morning.

Twitter Allowed Me To Talk About Parenting In Short Snippets And Find Out What I Really Wanted To Say About It, Which Is That I'm A Dad Who Had No Idea What He's Doing.

"entertainers Of Faith," Funnyman Jim Gaffigan Isn't Ashamed Of His Catholicism. He's Seen Here Leaving A New York Comedy Club With His Bible In Hand.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

The Appetizer Is Just An Excuse For An Extra Meal. Let's See, I Will Start With The Eighty Buffalo Wings.

Stand-up Is So Rewarding, And I Enjoy The Acting Opportunities I've Had, But The Only Time I Really Feel Bad Is When I Feel Like I Have This Manufactured Belief That I Should Be Doing Something Else Or There Should Be Some Type Of Recognition. On An Intellectual Level, I Know It's Stupid.

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators.

How'd We Come Up With The Robe? Was Some Guy Just Like, 'hey, I've Got An Idea! Why Don't We Make A Coat Out Of A Towel? You Can Have A Little Belt That Goes Around. You Could Dunk The Belt In The Toilet! Have A Toilet Belt.'

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You.

I Don't Want To Be A Tv Star For The Sake Of Being On Tv. I Want To Have A Tv Show That's Based Around My Comedy.

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

I Do Just Want To Do Jokes. I Don't Want To Be A Divisive Figure.

I Think It's Great Some Hotels Provide Stationery. Because The First Thing I Like To Do When I Get To A Hotel Room Is Write A Letter. "my Dearest Gwendolyn, I Arrived By Nightfall At The Embassy Suites. It Will Be A Fortnight After My Return That This Letter Shall Arrive. Allow Me To Explain The Curious Charge At The Ledger. It Is Because I Miss Thee So Much, Darling, I Accidentally Ordered Sorrority Sisters 7."

My Goal In Life Is To Be As Happy As A Studio Audience.

I Like To Think Of Bread As Really Bland Cake.

I Think That There's Part Of Me That Feels Like Maybe I Should Have Been More Social.

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

I Was Watching The Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? Why Don't They Just Call That One The Female?

If I Was On An Airplane, The People In Coach Would Know Who I Am. But No One In First Class Would Know.

Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

Not That I Don't Think Irreverent Humor And Someone Being Filthy Is Funny, I Just Do What I Do. Any Comedian Would Admit Throwing An F-bomb In There Would Help Get A Reaction. ... I'm Not On A Puritanical Pursuit, But When I Would Curse In A Joke, I Believe I'm Not Done Writing It.

When I'm In Touch With The Idea That There Is A Higher Power And That There Is, You Know, Other Factors At Work, It - It Kind Of Quells My Narcissism.

What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

For Me, It's Always A Little Sad Getting Out Of Bed. Every Morning After I Get Up, I Always Gaze Longingly At My Bed And Lament, 'you Were Wonderful Last Night. I Didn't Want It To End. I Can't Wait To See You Again.

I Never Have Free Time, I Don't Know About You. You Ever Go To The Cash Machine, There's Two People In Line In Front Of You And You Get Kinda Flustered, You're Like "forget It! I'm Not Standing Here For 40 Seconds. I Got Things To Do, Okay?"

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

Wouldn't It Have Been Weird To Go To High School With The Pope? You Know, Somebody Did, Someone's Sitting At Home, Watching Tv In Poland, They See The Pope, They Think, "that Guy Was A Jerk! He Was So Mean To Me And Now He's Pope? I Got A Swirly From The Pope!"

There Are A Lot Of Good Looking Men On This Planet. It Seems Like Once A Week Someone Will Tell Me, "i Know Someone Who Looks Like You" And I Don't Know What Say To Them Except, "tell Them Hi."

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.

I Didn't Think That It's Something That Would Happen. I Didn't Think I Would Be In The Position, Emotionally Or Financially, To Be Able To Do That. But I've Been Lucky [to Have Big Family].

A Lot Of The Teachings Really Kind Of Keep Me Grounded.

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

I Recently Bought Extreme Chunky Peanut Butter. I Opened It Up.. .it Was Just Peanuts. Wow That Is Extreme!

For Stand-up Comedians That Go Onstage And Get To Write And Perform And Direct, And Do All These Things, The Allure Of A Television Show Is Still There But If It Doesn't Offer A Level Of Creative Fulfillment, It's Oddly Unappealing.

Sometimes Being Lazy Can Get You In Trouble. You Ever Not Take A Shower All Weekend, Just Lounge Around, Then You're Running Late For Work On Monday? There's Always One Person At Work: "something Smells Like Smoke In Here!" "uh, I Went To A Barbeque On Friday Night. Only Had 48 Hours To Take A Shower. Busy."

Every Morning I Hear The Alarm, It's Like "beep Beep Beep" For Second I'm Like, "i Could Get Used To That, Just Dream I'm In A Techno Club, Or Something."

I Think Comedians Get Too Much Credit Or Too Much Criticism For The Style Of Comedy They Do, And They Generally Do The Style Of Comedy That Works For Them. [...] There's No Kind Of Shrewd Calculation Going Into The Type Of Standup We All Do. It's Like David Cross Is Supposed To Be Doing The David Cross' Type Of Standup.

I Like Bowling. It's Just One Of Those Things Where I Can Do So Many Jokes About It Because I Do Know Bowling. Somebody Once Said, "the Whitest Things In The World Are Jim Gaffigan And Bowling."

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

Who Was The First Person To Walk Into A Harbor And Say, "whatever That Horrible Smell Is I Want To Eat It"

The Idea Of Being A Practicing Catholic, It's - For Me, It's Like - I Need A Lot Of Practice, You Know What I Mean?

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

I Would Make Sweet Love To Don Rickles.

I Realize I Look Very Hip Hop But I'm Really More Emo With A Definite Brazilian Flavor.

My Childhood Best Friend Is An Anesthesiologist. It's The Least Amount Of Human Interaction For A Doctor. I Don't Think You Can Get That Burned Out On It.

I Was The Youngest Of The Six Kids, And To Make My Older Siblings Laugh, That Was Very Important. I Did A Great Impression Of Our Dad That Made Them All Laugh, So That Gave Me A Lot Of Power Within The Family.

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

Ireland Is A Place That's Beautiful And Interesting, But I Remember When I Went There As A Teenager With My Parents, I Was Like, "okay, I'll Go To Ireland With My Parents. It's Going To Be Green." I Think People Underestimate It, In That It's, "oh, It's Green," And Then You Get There, And It's Like, "wow, It Is Green!" It's, "oh, There's Irish Music," And Then You Get There, And You're Like, "oh, This Irish Music Is Amazing!" You Underestimate It.

You Didn't Question - Kind Of Like, You Would Go To College. You Would Wear A Tie To Work. You Would, You Know, You Would Work For 40 Years. And Then You Would Play Golf For Three Years, And Then You Would Die. That Was How I Was Raised.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.

It Really Never Came Up, But I Think That In Present-day America, They're - You Know, And I Touched On It In The Initial Clip - Is That We Are In The Middle Of This Culture War.

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

Thanksgiving Is The Most Complicated Meal You Can Think Of. Every Night, Dinner Is Just Pasta. It's Just Different Shapes Of Pasta.

One Of The Benefits Of Eating Salad Is That You Can Eat Tons Of It And Never Be Satisfied.

I Love My Career, But I Feel Like You've Got To Babysit A Lot Of Aspects Of Things. Assuming That Things Will Be Handled Properly Is Just Naive. But I Think That's Anyone's Life, Right? Even If You're Running A Construction Site, It Doesn't Matter If You've Been Doing It For 20 Years, You're Still Going To Be Blindsided By Someone's Incompetence Or Indifference.

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

Babies And Toddlers Are Mostly What I've Been Exposed To At This Point. I'm Hoping Parenting Just Gets Much Easier After This. It Does, Right?

You Ever Mix Two Different Groups Of Friends? That Can Be Stressful. You Always Feel Like You Have To Prep 'em. You're Like, "these People Over Here, Uh, They Don't Think I Drink. And Don't Be Thrown By My British Accent."

I Got Married. My Wife Changed Her Name. I Know Some Women Have A Problem With That. But I Wanted Her To Have My Old Girlfriend's Name. So Call Me Old-fashioned, But This Fella Does What The Bible Tells.

In Stand Up, You Get An Awareness Of How You Come Across, But In Acting There Is Almost A Hyper-awareness On How You Might Be Physically Perceived.

I Talk Kinda Slow, Especially For The Northeast, So It Was A Way To Beat [would-be Hecklers] To The Punch.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

There Is This False Perception That Comedians Can Never Be Serious. It's Like From Like The Era Of Court Jesters.

I'm There To Make People Laugh. I'm Not Trying To Come Across As Sexy.

I Always Imagine That If I Met Dr. Seuss, He Would Be Very Similar To Crispin Glover.

Whatever A Writer Gets Paid For His Book, It's Never Enough. I Think That's True. It's Hard Work. But In The End, You Wrote A Book. It's Something Real And Tangible That Sits On A Shelf Forever.

Oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?

My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

I've Stayed In So Many Hotel Rooms That I'm Shocked If, When I Stay In A Hotel Room, The Hotel Phone Isn't On The Desk. Then I'm Like, "this Isn't A Real Hotel Room." If There's Not Outlets Next To The Desk, Or If They Have An Iphone Adapter For An Iphone 4, That's When I'm Sitting There Annoyed. I Understand That It's Ridiculous, But That's Just Me Spending Way Too Much Time In Hotels.

People Need To Write Articles And They Need To Have Angles In Them And I'm Grateful When People Are Doing Articles, But I Always Say There's Not A Great Mystery To Stand-up Comedy.

I Saw This College Team Bowling Championship. Each Team Had Their Own Coach. What Kind Of Strategy Advice Is A Bowling Coach Giving? "you Know What? This Time Timmy, I Want You To Knock Down All The Pins." "you Sure?" "trust Me. Just Do It Son!"

I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

I Think When My Mother Died, It Was Such A - You Know, A Shock To The Logic That I Had Been Raised With.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

For A Comedian To Kind Of Catch Onto Something Right As Something's Catching On In Our Culture, A Lot Of It Is Luck, And You Hope The Joke Is Funny.

I Kind Of Consider Myself... I Mean, I Try To Have My Comedy Be Accessible, And If People Are Paying $30 To See Me In A Theater And They Want To Have Their Picture Taken With Me, It's Not The End Of The World. It's One Of Those Things, Where I'm Not The Only Comic Who Does It. A Lot Of Comics Do It. If I'm Doing A 4,000-seat Venue, It Might Be A Little Bit Of A Different Task, But It's All Good.

If Camping Is So Great, Why Are The Bugs Always Trying To Get In Your House?

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

I Believe That Comedians Do What They Do, And Then They Get Credit Or Criticism For Doing It. There's Nothing Planned About This.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

Deep Frying A Twinkie Makes It Healthy, Right?

I Think I Have A Lot Of Voices In My Head And I Guess My Inner Critic Is A Female.

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Margery Allingham

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