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You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

-Jim Gaffigan

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You Ever Find Yourself

Jim Gaffigan

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You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

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Award Shows Are Really Silly. I'm Very Happy For The People That Win The Awards, And I Can Say They're Really Silly, But I Would Love To Get One. So I Also Know Wasting Time On That Is Pointless.

You Think When Gym Teachers Were Younger, They're Thinking, "you Know, I Want To Teach...but I Don't Want To Read. How About Kickball For 40 Years?"

Failing And Laughing At Your Own Shortcomings Are The Hallmarks Of A Sane Parent.

You Ever Find Yourself Being Lazy For No Reason At All? Like, You Pick Up Your Mail, You Go In Your House, You Realize You Have A Letter For A Neighbor. You Ever Just Look At The Letter And Go "hm. Looks Like They're Never Getting This. It'll Take Too Much Energy To Go Back Outside. I'm Gonna Get That To Them Later On. Right Now I Gotta Watch Some 'love Connection.' They Got Some New Host On There."

You Ever Read An Article, And At The Bottom, It Says, 'continued On Page Six'? I'm , 'not For Me. I'm Done.'

Most Single Guys I Know Think Fatherhood Is Terrifying.

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What Exactly Are The Ingredients Of Ranch Dressing? Mayo And Disappointment?

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I Have More Pictures Of My Children Than My Father Ever Looked At Me.

I Know That Colbert Could Quote Thomas Aquinas And All This, But I'm Somebody Who, Because It's A Necessity For Me On A Personal Basis. I Need It Because I'm A Lunatic.

There's This Message To Comedians In Particular, That You Shouldn't Write It, And A Television Writer Should Write It. And That's A Prevailing Conventional Wisdom That I Think Is Really Wrong. That's Not To Say That Television Writers Aren't Great, But I Think That The Belief That Some Comedy Writer's Going To Be Able To Capture Your Voice Is Naive.

I Never Went To Church When I Was In College, Either.

That's Why When I Send A Postcard I Quiz People. "hey, Did You Get That Postcard?" "yeah, Yeah Yeah." "well What'd I Say?" "uh, You Were Havin-" "i Was In Jail"

I Was Raised In A Family Where My Father Was The First One To Go To College.

I Don't Think Comedians Make An Active Decision To Be A Certain "persona." Comedians Write The Way They're Going To Write.

People Treat Having A Kid As Somehow Retiring From Success. Quitting. Have You Seen A Baby? They’re Pretty Cute. Loving Them Is Pretty Easy. Smiling Babies Should Actually Be Categorized By The Pharmaceutical Industry As A Powerful Antidepressant. Being Happy Is Really The Definition Of Success, Isn’t It?

I Don't Want People To Think I Believe In God.

I Come From A Very Big Family. Nine Parents.

I'd Really Like To Promote My Increasing Consumption Of Bacon.

I Don't Curse On Stage, But I Feel Like I Curse More Because I Have Kids And In Front Of My Kids. Not Intentionally.

I Always Seem To Be Chosen To Do Very Flattering Things Like The Beard Comb Over Or Go To The Bathroom With The Door Open On Sex And The City Or Be The Guy People Meow At In Super Troopers. It's Great For Self Esteem.

The Question Is The Primary Form Of Communication For Little Kids.

Whenever You Correct Someone's Grammar Just Remember That Nobody Likes You.

I Always Want My Standup Act To Appeal To Everybody In The Room, And When I Started Standup, And I Would See People Talk About Their Kids And Their Wife, And I'd Always Cringe A Little Bit, Like, 'i Can't Get A Date, I Don't Know What You're Talking About.'

If You're A Guy Over 30 By Yourself In The Hotel Pool, You Automatically Look Like A Murderer Who's Just Relaxing After He Strangled A Family. "yeah-that Dad Was A Tough One To Kill."

I Was Always Told That Hoosier Came From When Settlers In The State, When A Stranger Came On Their Property They'd Say, "who's There? Who's There?" So People That Were From Indiana Were The People That Said "who's There?" But What Do I Know? I Don't Read Or Interact With People Outside The Internet.

Babies Should Be Classified As An Antidepressant. It's Pretty Hard To Be In A Bad Mood Around A 5-month-old Baby.

Bacon's The Best, Even The Frying Of Bacon Sounds Like An Applause.

Well My Chocolate Is So Good I Could Sell It In An Obnoxious Prism Shape.

For Me, Stand-up Comedy Is A Conversation Between Me And The Audience. I Have To Keep Them Listening. When I'm Making Jokes About Cake For Twenty Minutes, I Have To Make Sure My Audience Is Interested And Following Where I'm Going.

I Definitely Write About Things That Are Universal, That Everyone Can Identify With. You're Supposed To Write About Things You're Passionate About And I Guess I Am A Foodie. I Do Love Food And It's Kind Of Like I'm An Eccentric Observationalist Guy. To Make It Kind Of Universal, I Try A Lot Of Different Things. When I First Started Writing This, I Was Like, 'no Food.' Then, You Know, It Just Always Goes There.

One Thing I'm Afraid Of Is Not Taking Advantage Of Opportunities. I Feel Like These Are Kind Of Gifts.

I Never Have Free Time, I Don't Know About You. You Ever Go To The Cash Machine, There's Two People In Line In Front Of You And You Get Kinda Flustered, You're Like "forget It! I'm Not Standing Here For 40 Seconds. I Got Things To Do, Okay?"

My New Years Resolution? I Will Be Less Laz.

Comedians Kind Of Write What Comes To Them. You Can Give Yourself Little Assignments, But It's What Inspires You.

I Love My Career, But I Feel Like You've Got To Babysit A Lot Of Aspects Of Things. Assuming That Things Will Be Handled Properly Is Just Naive. But I Think That's Anyone's Life, Right? Even If You're Running A Construction Site, It Doesn't Matter If You've Been Doing It For 20 Years, You're Still Going To Be Blindsided By Someone's Incompetence Or Indifference.

New York Has Made Me So Paranoid, Too. Whenever I Visit Another City, I Always Act Like I'm From There, So The Cab Driver Doesn't Rip Me Off. I'm Always Like, "yeah, It's Good To Be Back Home. Back Here Where I Grew Up. Yeah. Here In Tokyo. ... Uh, Driver, I Need To Go To My Old Stomping Grounds. That Would Be The Holiday Inn. And The Address Appears To Be The Pound Sign."

I'm An Eccentric, Silly, Observational Guy, But I'm Not Gonna Frighten Off Social Conservatives.

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I Think When My Mother Died, It Was Such A - You Know, A Shock To The Logic That I Had Been Raised With.

How Did We Get To The Point Where We're Paying For Bottled Water? That Must Have Been Some Weird Marketing Meeting Over In France. Some French Guy's Sitting There, Like, "how Dumb Do I Think The Americans Are? I Bet You We Could Sell Those Idiots Water."

There's A Certain Balance Between Finding An Opportunity To Do What You Really Enjoy And Getting Caught Up In The Flattery Of People Wanting You To Do Things.

I'm A Guy Who Comes From A Small Town In The Midwest. It's Not In My Nature To Say The Most Explicit Things In Public.

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Whatever A Writer Gets Paid For His Book, It's Never Enough. I Think That's True. It's Hard Work. But In The End, You Wrote A Book. It's Something Real And Tangible That Sits On A Shelf Forever.

You Can't Tell Me The Success Of Kevin Bacon Isn't Somehow Tied To His Name. You're Not Going Out To See A Kevin Hot-dog Movie.

Other People's Children's Birthday Parties Are The Most Joyful Events You Will Ever Resent Having To Attend.

The Only Advantage To Wearing Glasses Is That You Can Do That Dramatic Removal.

The Whole Idea Of Comedy, There Is Nothing Normal About Going Up On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh. But I'm Also Not An Exhibitionist Like Other Comics. I'm Not Up There Talking About Masturbating.

I Kind Of Consider Myself... I Mean, I Try To Have My Comedy Be Accessible, And If People Are Paying $30 To See Me In A Theater And They Want To Have Their Picture Taken With Me, It's Not The End Of The World. It's One Of Those Things, Where I'm Not The Only Comic Who Does It. A Lot Of Comics Do It. If I'm Doing A 4,000-seat Venue, It Might Be A Little Bit Of A Different Task, But It's All Good.

Why Do You Have To Be Out Of Town To Write A Postcard? I Want A To Write A Postcard To My Neighbor: "i Still Live Near You!" The Guy Sees Me Go Into My Apartment, Flips The Card Over, It's Just A Picture Of Me Holding A Rifle.

Without Valentine's Day, February Would Be... Well, January.

There Are A Lot Of Good Looking Men On This Planet. It Seems Like Once A Week Someone Will Tell Me, "i Know Someone Who Looks Like You" And I Don't Know What Say To Them Except, "tell Them Hi."

Some People That Work For Hot Pockets Came To My Denver Paramount Theater Show. They Brought These Hot Pocket Boxes The Size Of Suit Cases For Me To Sign. I Wrote "these Are Wmd's" On The Boxes. The Hp People Seem To Have A Good Sense Of Humor About All Of It.

You Think Jesus Ever Tried To Talk God Out Of Some Of That Stuff? 'instead Of That Whole Crucifixion, How About We Do A Big Fundraiser!'

Be More Assertive With What You Want To Do.

I Had Some Jokes That Were Dirty. And Some Of It Is When I Started Making Appearances On Conan And Letterman Back In The Late '90s, I Think. You Had To Remove The Curse Words, Or You Couldn't Do Some Of The More Explicit Jokes.

You Ever Talk About A Movie With Someone That Read The Book? They're Always So Condescending. 'ah, The Book Was Much Better Than The Movie.' Oh Really? What I Enjoyed About The Movie: No Reading.

Lean Pockets, I Don't Even Wanna Know What's In Those. I Wonder What The Directions Are On A Box Of Lean Pockets: 'remove From Box, Place Directly In Toilet.' Flush Pocket!

On Myspace ... The Whole Demographic Of The Stand-up Comedy Fan Has Changed. It's Like An Indie Band Thing. People Think They've Discovered You.

When I Started Stand-up - And This Is In The '90s - There Was Definitely People Hadn't Watched Decades Of Comedy Central, Where People Are Really Much More Educated On Stand-up Comedy.

Don't You Expect A Rainbow Coming Out Of The Tub Of Bacon Strips At The End Of The Buffet Line?

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My Wife Always Asks Me Why I Don't Make The Bed. And I Respond With The Same Reason Why I Don't Tie My Shoes After I Take Them Off.

Raising Kids May Be A Thankless Job With Ridiculous Hours, But At Least The Pay Sucks.

Isn't It Strange -- When You're Single, All You See Is Couples, And When You're Part Of A Couple, All You See Are Hookers.

As I Go On In Standup, I Keep Being Described As Cleaner And Cleaner As I Do Each Hour, They're Like, 'it's Unbelievable How Clean,' 'he's The Cleanest Person In The World.' And Then I'll Do Shows And People Will Be Like, 'you're Supposed To Be So Clean, But You're Talking About Cancer.'

I Saw This College Team Bowling Championship. Each Team Had Their Own Coach. What Kind Of Strategy Advice Is A Bowling Coach Giving? "you Know What? This Time Timmy, I Want You To Knock Down All The Pins." "you Sure?" "trust Me. Just Do It Son!"

I Curse In Everyday Life, But Usually When I Stub My Toe. The Topics I'm Discussing, It's Not Necessary To Curse. I Found [cursing] Is A Sign That A Joke Is Not Finished Or Well-written.

Comedians Rarely Have Writers, And If You Do It's Usually A Sign Of Laziness.

I've Had Plenty Of Friends Tell Me That Their First Time Doing Stand-up, They Do Well, And Then They Tank For A While After That. Kind Of Like The First Time You Do A Drug, You're Like, "huh! This Is Pretty Darn Good," And Then You Spend All Your Money Trying To Get The Same High.

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators.

I Really Don't Care About Birthdays. It's Something Where Even As A Kid, I Never Really Felt Comfortable When Someone Would Sing To Me.

I Like That In My Audiences, There's A Lesbian Couple Sitting Next To A Mormon Family.

Holidays Are Also An Opportunity For Kids To Unlearn Every Good Habit They've Learned During The Rest Of The Year. They Don't Go To School. They Get To Stay Up Past Their Bedtime. They Get Candy And Presents For Doing Nothing. Childhood Utopia.

I Was Watching The Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? Why Don't They Just Call That One The Female?

You Can Never Look That Tough In Glasses. ... You Never See Somebody Push Up Their Glasses And Say, "i'm Gonna Kick Your Ass."

There Are People That Are Vegetarians That Love Bacon.

One Of The Benefits Of Eating Salad Is That You Can Eat Tons Of It And Never Be Satisfied.

I've Never Tried Fatback. Probably 'cause It's Called Fatback. I Don't Know Which Word Creeps Me Out More: Fat Or Back. Why Don't They Just Throw In "hairy" While They're At It? "this Is Some Delicious Hairy Fatback."

I'm Much More Interested In Making People Laugh Than Getting Applause Breaks.

I Believe That Comedians Do What They Do, And Then They Get Credit Or Criticism For Doing It. There's Nothing Planned About This.

You Ever Read A Book That Changed Your Life? Me Neither.

I Can't Believe We Got Grades In Gym Class. I've Never Used Anything I Learned In There. "all Right, I'm Standing In Front Of A Room Full Of Strangers. Based On What I Learned In Gym Class, I Will Throw A Red Ball At A Fat Guy."

I Only Dated One Asian Girl, But She Was Very Asian. She Was A Panda.

Comedy Is A Very Lucrative Business Now, But When Everyone First Went Into It, It Didn't Make Sense From A Financial Standpoint.

Playing Frisbee With A Five Year Old Is Amazingly Similar To Chasing After A Frisbee.

We All Take Mother's Day Seriously And Then It's Like A Month Later, A Bunch Of Kids Get Together And Say, "i Guess We Should Do This For The Old Man, Too." Father Day's Is Weird. It's Like Celebrating Darth Vader's Birthday. It's Odd I Think. Even The Gifts We Give Dads. Like Neckties, Which Are Just Like A Silk Noose. Or Books. Would You Ever Want Someone From Another Generation To Give You A Book?

They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets. When You Go Back Up And Ask For More, The Guy Handing Them Out Always Treats You Like You're Taking From His Personal Stash. "looks Like My Kids Aren't Having Ketchup Tonight."

This City Has So Many Beautiful Women. I Fall In Love Like Every Ten Minutes, I'm Sitting On The Subway, I'm Like, "there's My Wife... There She Is - Oh, She's Getting Off. All Right, There's The Woman - All Right, That's A Man."

Falling In Love

I've Never Eaten A Hot Pocket And Then Afterwards Been, I'm Glad I Ate That. I'm Always Like, I'm Gonna Die.

I Am Single, I Don't Drink. It's Kind Of Hard To Get A Woman Buzzed When You Don't Drink. You'll Be Like, "yeah, I'll Have A Glass Of Water, You Want A Shot Of Jäger? You Want Eight Of 'em?"

If Camping Is So Great, Why Are The Bugs Always Trying To Get In Your House?

Don't Take This The Wrong Way But I Care More And I'm A Better Online Friend Than You. I Also Spend Way To Much Time Online.

I Don't Understand The Fashion Industry And The Appeal Of It. I Understand That There Are Some People Who Think It's Important To Them, And They're Designers, They're Artists, But There Seems To Be A Disproportionate Amount Of Our Culture That's Caught Up In That And The Red Carpet Stuff. It Seems Like There's A Disproportionate Amount Of Attention Placed On That.

I Didn't Think That It's Something That Would Happen. I Didn't Think I Would Be In The Position, Emotionally Or Financially, To Be Able To Do That. But I've Been Lucky [to Have Big Family].

I Love Sleep. I Need Sleep. We All Do, Of Course. There Are Those People That Don't Need Sleep. I Think They're Called 'successful.

I Am A Guy Who Talks About Bacon And Escalators. Stand-up Comedy Is Very Much A Conversation. It's Very Personal, Stylistically.

Whenever I'm Out Of Town For At Least A Week, I Feel Like I Should Write A Postcard Or Something, But You Can Be A Genius, You Try And Write A Postcard You Come Across Like A Moron Anyway: 'this City's Got Big Buildings. I Like Food. Bye.'

It's Amazing How Email Has Changed Our Lives. You Ever Get A Handwritten Letter In The Mail Today? 'what The? Has Someone Been Kidnapped?'

My Whole Comic Persona Is That Of A Guy Who Explores The Id: I Romanticize Gluttony, I Romanticize Laziness, And People Identify With That.

Manhattan's Probably One Of The Bluest Parts In The Country, And Indiana's Definitely One Of The Redder States. I Have Sympathy For Both Sides.

I Think What Pope Francis Is Saying Is That Nobody's Perfect, You Know? And So Someone Like Joe Biden, You Know, Where - You Know, When He Was Running For President, People Were - There Were Some Bishops That Were Like Don't Let Him Have The Eucharist. And Pope Francis Is Saying That's Not The Point Of This.

Cancer Is Always Funny.

Cookies At Both Of Them. The Cookies Are Probably Better At Letterman Though.

I See Some People With Glasses Here, I Trust People With Glasses, Don't You? But If You're Wearing Your Glasses Like This ... "get Away From 'em!"

It Took Me A Long Time To Understand Not To Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. It Really Comes Down To Creative Fulfillment. It Took Me A While To Realize I Don't Want To Just Be On A Show To Be On A Show.

What's Amazing About Doing Movies, Compared To Television, There's An Ending You Can See. There's An Enthusiasm To It.

I Usually Don't Have A Burger, A Brat, And A Steak But It Is 4th Of July. And I Need The Energy If I'm Gonna Start Blowin Crap Up. It's What The Founding Fathers Would Want.

Imagine You're Drowning, And Someone Hands You A Baby.

I'd Have To Say Sunset Salsa. Nothing Against Honey Lime, But It's For Losers.

I Would Say My Return To My Faith Is - It's A Very Personal Thing.

Personal Things

The Whole Idea Of Celebrity Is Flattering - It Helps You Get Into Restaurants And Stuff - But Once You Obtain Some Creative Fulfillment, Which You Do On A Nightly Basis As A Comedian, It's Hard To Give That Up Just To Be The Wacky Neighbor On A Show.

Some People Have Their Own Bowling Ball And Their Own Bowling Shoes... And No Friends.

I Recently Bought Extreme Chunky Peanut Butter. I Opened It Up.. .it Was Just Peanuts. Wow That Is Extreme!

We Are All A Little Weird. And We Like To Think That There Is Always Someone Weirder. I Mean, I Am Sure Some Of You Are Looking At Me And Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As You,” And I Am Thinking, “well, At Least I Am Not As Weird As The People In The Loony Bin,” And The People In The Loony Bin Are Thinking, “well, At Least I Am An Orange”.

It's Strange How Interesting Your Dreams Are, But When Someone Tries To Tell You Their Dream You're Just Like "whatever! Why Don't You Send Me An E-mail So I Can Delete It?"

Every Now And Then I'll Read A Book, I'll Be So Proud Of Myself, I'll Try And Squeeze It Into Conversation. People Will Be Like, "hey Jim, How Ya Do-" "i Read A Book! Two Hundred And Fifty Pages!" "that's Great, What Was It About?" "no Idea! Took Me Three Years!"

Anyone Know If The Shuttles To Hell Will Have Wifi? Asking For A Friend.

Now Don't Get Me Wrong, I Love Animals, But I Like Eatin' 'em More... Fun To Pet, Better To Chew.

Stand-up Used To Be Much More Of A Form Combat. Heckling Was Much More Common [in The '90s]. And I Couldn't Get Stage Time, And So I Would Go Out To Pip's In Sheepshead Bay.

But Truly, Women Are Amazing. Think About It This Way: A Woman Can Grow A Baby Inside Her Body. Then A Woman Can Deliver The Baby Through Her Body. Then, By Some Miracle, A Woman Can Feed A Baby With Her Body. When You Compare That To The Male’s Contribution To Life, It’s Kind Of Embarrassing, Really.

I Don't Want To Get Involved In The Culture War. Religion's Iffy.

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.

My Children Have Made Me A Better Man, Which Is - In The End, That's Probably More Important Than Two More Comedy Specials Or Being In Better Shape.

In The End, The Type Of Parent You Are Is Going To Be Something That You Carry With You. ... Having Multiple Kids, It's Been A Gift In A Way. It's Keeping The Priorities Straighter.

Stand-up Is An Amazing Art Form, I Think, Because It's All About You Having Complete Control Of The Situation, But Absolutely None.

Life Is A Little Easier For Attractive People. Think About It: If A Stranger Smiles At You And They’re Attractive, You Think, ‘oh, They’re Nice,’ But If A Stranger’s Ugly, You’re Like, ‘what Do They Want? Get Away From Me, Weirdo.

I Don't Know About You, But When They First Introduced Bottled Water, I Thought It Was So Funny, I Was Like "bottled Water! Haha, They're Selling Bottled Water! ... I Guess I'll Try It. Ah, This Is Good, This Is More Watery Than Water. Yeah, This Has Got A Water Kick To It."

The Real Question Is Should We Trust People Who Don't Like Cheese?

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

Ironically, To My Children, Bedtime Is A Punishment That Violates Their Basic Rights As Human Beings.

You Know, I Want To Teach, But I Don’t Want To Read?

I Would Say Some Of The Food I Talk About That I Really Enjoy, Like Cake And Bacon, I Eat A Lot Less Than I Portray In My Act. But That Stuff That I Dislike, It's Pretty Sincere.

Nursery Schools And Bars At 2 A.m. Are The Only Places Where It Is Completely Normal If Someone Just Spontaneously Throws Up On The Floor...and Just Like A Toddler, The Bar Patron Wakes Up The Next Day Not Remembering Or Caring How They Behaved.

I Lived Across From A Catholic Church For 15 Years That I Never Went Into. And Then I Got Married To My Wife And - You Know, And Now We're Going In There Every Other Day Baptizing A Kid.

I Grew Up In Sheepshead Bay.

I Try To Only Eat Animals That Are Vegan. I'm Probably The Opposite Of A Vegan.

Have You Seen The Bologna That Has The Olives In It? Who's That For? 'i Like My Bologna Like A Martini. With An Olive.' 'i'll Have The Bologna Sandwich - Dirty.'

We’re Never Satisfied When It Comes To Food. ‘you Know What’d Be Good On This Burger? A Ham Sandwich. Instead Of A Bun, Let’s Use Two Donuts. That Way We Can Have It For Breakfast. Look Out Mcgriddle. Here Comes The Donut-ham-hamburger!’

I Was Still Rooting For Notre Dame.it's Like There's The Cultural Catholic Experience.

I'm Getting Fat ... As I Planned. Luckily, My Gut Is Intentional. I'm Actually Preparing For A Big Role. Sure, It's A Cinnamon Roll.

It's A Balancing Act Of You Feel Horrible That You're Away But There Is Something About The Road That Is Rather Liberating.

I Think Growing Up In Indiana Prepares Anyone For A Life In Comedy. I Do Feel Like There Is A Certain Kind Of Self-effacing Cynicism Among All Hoosiers.

Thanksgiving, You Know - Thanksgiving - It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is We Overeat.

It's Good To Be Back In New York. I Have Lived Here Ten Years. I'm Originally From Indiana. I Know What Most Of You Are Thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But The Fact Of The Matter Is Where I Grew Up There Was Something Very Similar To The Mafia: 4-h.

Yeah, I Am A Character Actor.

Some Of My Fear And Anxieties Surrounding Faith, I Think, Provides Some Good Comedy For My Act.

I've Always Wanted To Be An Actor. I've Never Planned On The Acting And The Stand-up Feeding Each Other; They've Always Been Separate Desires.

Thanksgiving. It's Like We Didn't Even Try To Come Up With A Tradition. The Tradition Is, We Overeat. 'hey, How About At Thanksgiving We Just Eat A Lot?' 'but We Do That Every Day!' 'oh. What If We Eat A Lot With People That Annoy The Hell Out Of Us?'

It's Difficult To Parent One Kid, Let Alone Five! It's Insane. It's This Strange, Overwhelming Mess That I Would Not Trade For Anything. I Think It's More Difficult In New York City. It's Not Like We Can Hop In The Minivan And Go Somewhere. I Don't Own A Car. It's Chaos Anywhere. Being A Parent Is Difficult. Being A Son And A Daughter Is Difficult. It's A Human Relationship.

I Used To Have To Do Readings In Church, And It Was Terrifying. I Would Never Have My Glasses. The Words Are Printed So Small Even Superman Would Be Nervous. And You’re Reading From The Bible. It’s Not Like You Can Just Make Something Up And Improvise. “a Reading From The Letter Of Saint Paul To The Corinthians. Uhhh. Dear Corinthians, … How Was Your Weekend? Sure Is Hot Here. Uh, Tell Jesus ‘hey.’ This Is The Word Of The Lord.

My Kids Are So Dramatically Different, But It's Not Like I Would Trade One In Or Like There's One I Would Pick Over The Other Ones. I Know That Sounds Like I'm Bullshitting. I Also Have Five Of Them So I Barely Know Them.

There Should Be A Children's Song: 'if You're Happy And You Know It, Keep It To Yourself And Let Your Dad Sleep'.

Bacon Is Like The Opposite Of Medicine. It's Like, "take That, Lipitor."

I'm Definitely Hesitant Wearing Shorts During The Summer. Like For A Pale Person, You Know, Summer - Everyone In The World Is So Excited For Summer, But Pale People, We're Just Like, Oh No.

I Worked On Usa Today As A Topic For While. I Tried To Do Something On Hand Chairs, Chairs That Look Like Hands. I Really Tried. But Some Topics Are Not Truly Universal.

I've Always Been Somebody That It Takes Me Longer To Learn Things, But Once I Learn Them... I'm Like A Quarterback That Plays Best In The Fourth Quarter.

Don't Get Caught Up In Other People's Expectations. Don't Take Anything For Granted, Either.

You Ever Buy A Book And Not Read It? You Feel Almost Guilty Having It Up On A Bookshelf. People Are Like, "hey, How's That Book?" "i Haven't Read It." "oh, Did You Just Buy It?" "i've Had It Since High School." "well, Can I Borrow It?" "no."

My Faith Is Very Personal. It's Not Something That I Want To Project On Other People.

We Tend To Outdo Ourselves.

I Got Married. My Wife Changed Her Name. I Know Some Women Have A Problem With That. But I Wanted Her To Have My Old Girlfriend's Name. So Call Me Old-fashioned, But This Fella Does What The Bible Tells.

In Stand Up, You Get An Awareness Of How You Come Across, But In Acting There Is Almost A Hyper-awareness On How You Might Be Physically Perceived.

I Wouldn't Say That Comedy Brought Me Away From It.i Think That My Idea Of Faith Was Another Obligation In My Life.

The Ridiculousness And Idiocy Of Life Is Embraced And Examined. It Nurtures The Childhood Perspective In Everyone.

I Married A Woman Who Loves To Camp, And I Am What You Would Call "indoorsy"... My Wife Always Brings Up, "camping's A Tradition In My Family." Hey, It Was A Tradition In Everyone's Family 'til We Came Up With The House.

You Didn't Question - Kind Of Like, You Would Go To College. You Would Wear A Tie To Work. You Would, You Know, You Would Work For 40 Years. And Then You Would Play Golf For Three Years, And Then You Would Die. That Was How I Was Raised.

I Was Watching Animal Planet. Did You Know That The Male Seahorse Has The Baby? And I Was Thinking, "why Don't They Just Call That The Female Seahorse?" You Know It's Just Some Stubborn Scientist. "yeah, That One There's The Male Seahorse." And His Assistant's Like, "uh, Bill, That One's Having A Baby." ... "the Male Has The Baby. You're Fired."

Whenever One Of My Children Says, 'goodnight, Daddy,' I Always Think To Myself, 'you Don't Mean That.

As A Dad, You Are The Vice President Of The Executive Branch Of Parenting. It Doesn't Matter What Your Personality Is Like, You Will Always Be Al Gore To Your Wife's Bill Clinton. She Feels The Pain And You Are The Annoying Nerd Telling Them To Turn Off The Lights.

In Indiana, I Wasn't Anything Special. But In New York, I've Gone Out With Girls With Purple Hair Who Go Out With Me Because I'm Exotic!

Most Of My Material Is , It Doesn't Necessarily Involve A Lot Of Editing. So Even The Show With The World Meeting Of Families In Philadelphia, I Don't Have To Worry About Some Of The Material Being Inappropriate.

Yeah The Appetizer, That's The Food We Eat Before We Have Our Food...no No You're Thinking Of Dessert, That's Food We Eat After We Have Our Food.

I Didn't Choose To Be The Guy Who Talks About The Mundane - It's Just Who I Am And It's What Kind Of Works For Me.

There's Something That's Really Fun About The Challenge Of Making The Mundane Funny, Too, I Think.

I Was Looking At A Bottle Of Water; They Have Nutritional Facts Printed On The Side. You Know, I'm No Chemist, But I Have A Rough Idea What's In Water.

Television's Very Much A Writer's Medium, As It Probably Should Be, But If You're Not The Writer, Then As The Performer, You Defer To That. It's Just Kind Of How It's Constructed. Is There Some Leeway? Yeah. But I Also Don't Want To Come Across As A Jerk.

The Amount Of Guilt You Deal With As A Parent Is Pretty Profound. It's A Constant Balancing Act. I'm An Ambitious Person, But When I Became A Father, Ambition Had A Different Hold On Me. Providing For My Kids Was Important, But The Superficial Ambition Drifted Away.

When You Hear Bacon Cooking....that Sizzling Sound Isn't The Fat Cooking....that's Applause.

My Comedy Is Romanticized Laziness.

I Think Being A Doctor Is Really Hard, And It's Really This Thankless, Never-ending Job. It's Not Even That You Get Done With A Project. There Are Always Sick People.

Comics Write To Their Point Of View. If You're An Exceedingly Irreverent Comedian, You've Got To See Where That Point Of View Fits Or Produces The Most Funny.

I'm The Youngest, Too. When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, People Are Like, "you're The Baby, You're Spoiled!" The Fact Of The Matter Is, When You're The Youngest Of A Big Family, By The Time You're A Teenager, Your Parents Are Insane. You're Like, "hey, I'm Going Roller-skating-" "you're Not Going Roller-skating Or You'll End Up Pregnant Like Your Sister. Why Don't You Smoke Pot And Become A Lawyer?"

You Ever Get A Postcard, You Get So Excited You Don't Even Read It! "hey I Got A - Who Cares."

I Spent Most Of My Adult Life Essentially Agnostic Or An Atheist.

I Am Somebody Who - My Path To My Faith Is Very Kind Of Individual, And I Don't Want To Be Lumped Into The Category Of Those Westboro Baptists.

I Don't Know What's More Exhausting About Parenting: The Getting Up Early, Or Acting Like You Know What You're Doing.

Kale Is A Superfood And It’s Special Power Is Tasting Bad.

Now That I'm Married And Have Two Beautiful Children, It Really Makes Me Appreciate... Being Alone.

Boutique Hotels Are Great, But They Get Too Cute. Some Hotels Have Shoe Polish. It's Like, Come On, This Isn't 1960. No One's Polishing Their Shoes.

I Left The Midwest Thinking I Didn't Fit In. But When I Got To New York, I Realized How Truly Midwestern I Was.

Steakhouses Sort Of Have This Old-school Nature To Them; They're Like Museums Full Of Good Food. It's Fun Hearing The Waiter Share His Expertise On The Different Cuts Of Beef And How They're Going To Cut Up Your Baked Potato.

I Don't Want To Pick A Team. I Want To Make People Laugh And Hopefully Bring Some - Be Humorous About The Human Experience, You Know, Whether They're People Of Any Stripes Of Life.

For Me, It's Always A Little Sad Getting Out Of Bed. Every Morning After I Get Up, I Always Gaze Longingly At My Bed And Lament, 'you Were Wonderful Last Night. I Didn't Want It To End. I Can't Wait To See You Again.

Once You Identify Yourself As Believing Something, You Open Yourself To Ridicule.

That's My Private Business. Besides, The Perception Is That People That Believe In God Are Stupid.

Jesus If You Could Cure Our Son's Blindness That'd Be Great... And We'd Love Some Shelves Over There.

It's Not As If Ten Years Ago, We Were Like, 'i Wish I Could Take Low Quality Photos Of My Dessert.'

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