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I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

-Aziz Ansari

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I Know When Someone

Aziz Ansari

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I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

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I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

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You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

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My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

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I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

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I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

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If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

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Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

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Come On, Man, I Got A Full Beard!

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I Prefer Being Totally Sober Myself.

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If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

I Was 18 When I Started. I Was Hanging Out With Some Friends And They Asked If I Had Tried Stand-up Before. I Hadn't, But I Thought: 'what The Hell?' So I Went To An Open Mic Night, And I Liked It.

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Everyone Steals. My Favorite Movie Is Love Don't Cost A Thing With Nick Cannon. Which Is Based On Can't Buy Me Love, Which Is Based On Kramer Vs. Kramer, Or Something, Which I Think Was Shakespeare.

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I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

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I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

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I Strapped An Mp3 Player To One Of Those Floor-cleaning Robots. Call Him Dj Roomba - Little Guy Cruises Around And Plays Music. What's Hot, Dj Roomba!

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Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

I Have Found That She Is As Kind And Caring A Person As She Is Hilarious. Simply Put, Amy Poehler Is My Hero.

I Have A Couple Of 'doing Caps' In My Wallet. That's What I Call Condoms.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

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I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

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You Don't Know Jay-z's Scedule. He's A Renaissance Man.

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I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

I've Never Done Online Dating.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

I Strapped An Mp3 Player To One Of Those Floor-cleaning Robots. Call Him Dj Roomba - Little Guy Cruises Around And Plays Music. What's Hot, Dj Roomba!

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I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

If It's Possible, I Binge. There Are Other Shows, Like 'the Americans' And 'game Of Thrones,' I Watch And Have To Wait A Week.

I Went To A Place Recently I Think Is One Of The Most F**ked Up Places I've Ever Been To. I'm Convinced This Place Is The Epitome Of American Excess, Of American Greed. I'm Talking About A Place Called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If You Have Not Been There, The Basic Gist Of Cold Stone Is That They Take Ice Cream And Then They Just Go Ape Sh*t With It.

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It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

Do You Realize How Much Better The World Would Be If We All Just Treated Each Other The Same Way Black Dudes Treat Magicians?

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

Do It Under The Influence Yourself! That's What We're Shooting For! Get Drunk And Make Your Dreams Come True.

I Have No Interest In Art. Let Me Clarify — I Have No Interest In Non-nude Images.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

Writing Your Own Jokes, You Just Kind Of Keep Working On Something Until You Think It Might Work, And Then You Try It Out And Hope For The Best.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

I Just Didn’t Want To Be Pigeonholed As An 'ethnic Comic' Or An 'asian Comic.' I Just Wanted To Be On The Same Playing Field As Everyone Else.

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

I Know My Fan Base Is A Smart Group Of People.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

I Prefer Being Totally Sober Myself.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

This Is One Of My Favorite Pick Up Strategies: I'm Constantly Giving Women My Keys. So Far, None Of Them Have Shown Up. Matter Of Time. And I've Been Robbed Twice.

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

Let's Have A Moment Of Silence For All The Chubby Asian Dudes That Are Getting 'gangnam Style!' Yelled At Them By Bros Around The World.

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

At The Risk Bragging, One Of The Things I'm Best At Is Riding Coattails. Behind Every Successful Man Is Me, Smiling And Taking Partial Credit.

I've Never Done Online Dating.

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

Yeah, I've Been A Little Down. Totally Natural. I'm Getting A Divorce, But Now I'm Ready To Pull Myself Up By Some G-strings.

If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

So Many Gay Jokes Tonight About (james) Franco. Apparently If You're Clean, Well Dressed And Mildly Cultured, You're Super Gay Now. Is That Why The Rest Of You Guys Are So Aggressively Fat And Dirty? You Think If You Read One Book And Take A Shower, Dicks Are Going To Just Fly Into Your Face.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

It Can Take A Few Months To Get A New 10 Minutes. Usually It Takes Like 10 Times Of Repeatedly Trying Different Variations Of A Joke Until I Land On One I Think Is Really Good.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.

Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

Parks And Recreation

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

London Seems To Be A Town With A Lot Of Comedy Fans And People That Really Enjoy Stand-up.

So Many Gay Jokes Tonight About (james) Franco. Apparently If You're Clean, Well Dressed And Mildly Cultured, You're Super Gay Now. Is That Why The Rest Of You Guys Are So Aggressively Fat And Dirty? You Think If You Read One Book And Take A Shower, Dicks Are Going To Just Fly Into Your Face.

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

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Spider Robinson

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