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Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

-Aziz Ansari

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Instead Of Yelling Your

Aziz Ansari

...

Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

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She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.

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Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

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Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

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I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

The Most Influential Thing Was The Two Chris Rock Specials That Came Out When I Was In High School. I Was Obsessed With That Stuff.

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Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

I Spend So Much Time On The Internet...i Feel Like I'm A Million Pages Into The Worst Book Ever, And I'm Never Going To Stop Reading.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

I Spend So Much Time On The Internet...i Feel Like I'm A Million Pages Into The Worst Book Ever, And I'm Never Going To Stop Reading.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

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If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

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I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

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The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

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I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

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Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

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I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

I Went To A Place Recently I Think Is One Of The Most F**ked Up Places I've Ever Been To. I'm Convinced This Place Is The Epitome Of American Excess, Of American Greed. I'm Talking About A Place Called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If You Have Not Been There, The Basic Gist Of Cold Stone Is That They Take Ice Cream And Then They Just Go Ape Sh*t With It.

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

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If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

If It's Possible, I Binge. There Are Other Shows, Like 'the Americans' And 'game Of Thrones,' I Watch And Have To Wait A Week.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

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I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

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I've Never Done Online Dating.

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You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

I Know My Fan Base Is A Smart Group Of People.

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

If Thou Canst Walk On Water, Thou Art No Better Than A Straw. If Thou Canst Fly In The Air, Thou Art No Better Than A Fly. Conquer Thy Heart That Thou Mayest Become Somebody.

Do You Realize How Much Better The World Would Be If We All Just Treated Each Other The Same Way Black Dudes Treat Magicians?

I Was 18 When I Started. I Was Hanging Out With Some Friends And They Asked If I Had Tried Stand-up Before. I Hadn't, But I Thought: 'what The Hell?' So I Went To An Open Mic Night, And I Liked It.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

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I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

I've Always Tried To Maintain That I Don't Have Any Advice To Give. I'm A Curious Observer.

A Lot Of People My Age Think Stand Up Sucks.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

If You Look Up Feminist In The Dictionary, It Just Means Someone Who Believes Men And Women Have Equal Rights.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

Come On, Man, I Got A Full Beard!

As I Always Have With Stand-up Or Anything, You Kind Of Draw On What You're Going Through In Your Life.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

Writing Your Own Jokes, You Just Kind Of Keep Working On Something Until You Think It Might Work, And Then You Try It Out And Hope For The Best.

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

I Have A Couple Of 'doing Caps' In My Wallet. That's What I Call Condoms.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

Most Single People I Know, Myself Included, Have A Difficult Time Even Meeting Up With The People They Like, Be It Busy Schedules, Texting Games, Or Whatever.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

I Have A Couple Of 'doing Caps' In My Wallet. That's What I Call Condoms.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

I Like The Brand Band Of Outsiders. Their Suits Are Cut Really Slim, For Smaller Framed Gentlemen.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

Once You Become A Comedian, You Accept That People Are Just Going To Yell Stuff At You.

I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

A Lot Of People My Age Think Stand Up Sucks.

London Seems To Be A Town With A Lot Of Comedy Fans And People That Really Enjoy Stand-up.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

For The Majority Of The Time, I May As Well Have Been Just A Really Tan White Kid. You Know, I May As Well Have Just Been, Like, A Fat Kid.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

Regardless Of Your Ethnicity Or Anything, If You Do Great Work, People Will Notice And You'll Get Hired.

You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

I Never Had The Desire To Be A Professional Twitterer. Every Now And Then Something Dumb Pops Into My Head And I'll Tweet It. I Don't Feel Any Obligation To Respond To Everyone. Not That I Don't Appreciate People Sending Me Messages On There, But There Are Too Many. Responding To Everyone Would Take Away Time For All The Stuff I'm Actually In The Business For.

Yeah, I've Been A Little Down. Totally Natural. I'm Getting A Divorce, But Now I'm Ready To Pull Myself Up By Some G-strings.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

Stand Up Comedy

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

This Is One Of My Favorite Pick Up Strategies: I'm Constantly Giving Women My Keys. So Far, None Of Them Have Shown Up. Matter Of Time. And I've Been Robbed Twice.

I Have No Interest In Art. Let Me Clarify — I Have No Interest In Non-nude Images.

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

I Know My Fan Base Is A Smart Group Of People.

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'

English Language

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

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Maria Edgeworth

Daniel Ellsberg

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