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Modern Life. Where Are We Running? Sometimes What We Want Is Not Always Where We Are... Are We Alone? Is The Real Winter Inside Our Hearts? We Are All Struggling For Definition In A World That Resists Our Increase.

-Aziz Ansari

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Modern Life. Where Are

Aziz Ansari

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Modern Life. Where Are We Running? Sometimes What We Want Is Not Always Where We Are... Are We Alone? Is The Real Winter Inside Our Hearts? We Are All Struggling For Definition In A World That Resists Our Increase.

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More From Aziz Ansari

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

A Lot Of People My Age Think Stand Up Sucks.

When I'm Dating Someone, I Have A List Called My 'oh No Nos.' If A Woman Commits A Oh No No, It Can End The Relationship. Not Loving '90s R&b Music Is #3 On The Oh No Nos List. Girl Don't Even Know Who Ginuwine Is.

I'm Like An Elephant, Ok? If I Walk Into A Room, It's Like, Ok, He's In There.

I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

I Like The Brand Band Of Outsiders. Their Suits Are Cut Really Slim, For Smaller Framed Gentlemen.

Do It Under The Influence Yourself! That's What We're Shooting For! Get Drunk And Make Your Dreams Come True.

It Can Take A Few Months To Get A New 10 Minutes. Usually It Takes Like 10 Times Of Repeatedly Trying Different Variations Of A Joke Until I Land On One I Think Is Really Good.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

Let's Have A Moment Of Silence For All The Chubby Asian Dudes That Are Getting 'gangnam Style!' Yelled At Them By Bros Around The World.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

Yeah, I've Been A Little Down. Totally Natural. I'm Getting A Divorce, But Now I'm Ready To Pull Myself Up By Some G-strings.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

Modern Life. Where Are We Running? Sometimes What We Want Is Not Always Where We Are... Are We Alone? Is The Real Winter Inside Our Hearts? We Are All Struggling For Definition In A World That Resists Our Increase.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

Once You Become A Comedian, You Accept That People Are Just Going To Yell Stuff At You.

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'

English Language

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

I've Always Tried To Maintain That I Don't Have Any Advice To Give. I'm A Curious Observer.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

Stand Up Comedy

It Can Take A Few Months To Get A New 10 Minutes. Usually It Takes Like 10 Times Of Repeatedly Trying Different Variations Of A Joke Until I Land On One I Think Is Really Good.

Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

I Prefer Being Totally Sober Myself.

I Went To A Place Recently I Think Is One Of The Most F**ked Up Places I've Ever Been To. I'm Convinced This Place Is The Epitome Of American Excess, Of American Greed. I'm Talking About A Place Called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If You Have Not Been There, The Basic Gist Of Cold Stone Is That They Take Ice Cream And Then They Just Go Ape Sh*t With It.

London Seems To Be A Town With A Lot Of Comedy Fans And People That Really Enjoy Stand-up.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

I Just Didn’t Want To Be Pigeonholed As An 'ethnic Comic' Or An 'asian Comic.' I Just Wanted To Be On The Same Playing Field As Everyone Else.

One Of My Life Goals Is To Be A Best Man. It's A Baller Position. You Get Drunk, You Make Speeches, And You Make Love To The Prettiest Bridesmaid, Usually Standing From Behind.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

As I Always Have With Stand-up Or Anything, You Kind Of Draw On What You're Going Through In Your Life.

I'm The Kind Of Person, If I See Something, Like A Funny Video, I Want To Share It. With Twitter And Tumblr You Can Do That On A Mass Scale, And People Get To Know Your Personality.

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'

English Language

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

Parks And Recreation

I Have Found That She Is As Kind And Caring A Person As She Is Hilarious. Simply Put, Amy Poehler Is My Hero.

I Have A Couple Of 'doing Caps' In My Wallet. That's What I Call Condoms.

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

If You Look Up Feminist In The Dictionary, It Just Means Someone Who Believes Men And Women Have Equal Rights.

I Strapped An Mp3 Player To One Of Those Floor-cleaning Robots. Call Him Dj Roomba - Little Guy Cruises Around And Plays Music. What's Hot, Dj Roomba!

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

I Like The Brand Band Of Outsiders. Their Suits Are Cut Really Slim, For Smaller Framed Gentlemen.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

Sometimes You Gotta Work A Little, So You Can Ball A Lot.

Parks And Recreation

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

I Never Had The Desire To Be A Professional Twitterer. Every Now And Then Something Dumb Pops Into My Head And I'll Tweet It. I Don't Feel Any Obligation To Respond To Everyone. Not That I Don't Appreciate People Sending Me Messages On There, But There Are Too Many. Responding To Everyone Would Take Away Time For All The Stuff I'm Actually In The Business For.

Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

I've Always Tried To Maintain That I Don't Have Any Advice To Give. I'm A Curious Observer.

I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

Do You Realize How Much Better The World Would Be If We All Just Treated Each Other The Same Way Black Dudes Treat Magicians?

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

Modern Life. Where Are We Running? Sometimes What We Want Is Not Always Where We Are... Are We Alone? Is The Real Winter Inside Our Hearts? We Are All Struggling For Definition In A World That Resists Our Increase.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

I Was 18 When I Started. I Was Hanging Out With Some Friends And They Asked If I Had Tried Stand-up Before. I Hadn't, But I Thought: 'what The Hell?' So I Went To An Open Mic Night, And I Liked It.

I Strapped An Mp3 Player To One Of Those Floor-cleaning Robots. Call Him Dj Roomba - Little Guy Cruises Around And Plays Music. What's Hot, Dj Roomba!

I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

Regardless Of Your Ethnicity Or Anything, If You Do Great Work, People Will Notice And You'll Get Hired.

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

This Is One Of My Favorite Pick Up Strategies: I'm Constantly Giving Women My Keys. So Far, None Of Them Have Shown Up. Matter Of Time. And I've Been Robbed Twice.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

I Know My Fan Base Is A Smart Group Of People.

At The Risk Bragging, One Of The Things I'm Best At Is Riding Coattails. Behind Every Successful Man Is Me, Smiling And Taking Partial Credit.

Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

For The Majority Of The Time, I May As Well Have Been Just A Really Tan White Kid. You Know, I May As Well Have Just Been, Like, A Fat Kid.

I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

London Seems To Be A Town With A Lot Of Comedy Fans And People That Really Enjoy Stand-up.

Once You Become A Comedian, You Accept That People Are Just Going To Yell Stuff At You.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

I Have No Interest In Art. Let Me Clarify — I Have No Interest In Non-nude Images.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

I've Never Done Online Dating.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

Most Single People I Know, Myself Included, Have A Difficult Time Even Meeting Up With The People They Like, Be It Busy Schedules, Texting Games, Or Whatever.

Regardless Of Your Ethnicity Or Anything, If You Do Great Work, People Will Notice And You'll Get Hired.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

I Know When Someone That's Not You Tries To Tell Your Story, Especially When You Don't Look Like The Person Whose Story You're Trying To Tell, You're Going To Screw It Up. And The Only Way To Get It Right Is To Have Them Be As Involved As Possible.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

The Most Influential Thing Was The Two Chris Rock Specials That Came Out When I Was In High School. I Was Obsessed With That Stuff.

One Of My Life Goals Is To Be A Best Man. It's A Baller Position. You Get Drunk, You Make Speeches, And You Make Love To The Prettiest Bridesmaid, Usually Standing From Behind.

If You Look Up Feminist In The Dictionary, It Just Means Someone Who Believes Men And Women Have Equal Rights.

You Don't Know Jay-z's Scedule. He's A Renaissance Man.

Renaissance Man

A Lot Of People My Age Think Stand Up Sucks.

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

Writing Your Own Jokes, You Just Kind Of Keep Working On Something Until You Think It Might Work, And Then You Try It Out And Hope For The Best.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

Parks And Recreation

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

Do It Under The Influence Yourself! That's What We're Shooting For! Get Drunk And Make Your Dreams Come True.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

It's Much More Fun To Share And Laugh At The Bad Times And The Frustrations. I Find You Get A Much Deeper Connection With The Audience That Way.

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

Everyone Steals. My Favorite Movie Is Love Don't Cost A Thing With Nick Cannon. Which Is Based On Can't Buy Me Love, Which Is Based On Kramer Vs. Kramer, Or Something, Which I Think Was Shakespeare.

If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

I'm Like An Elephant, Ok? If I Walk Into A Room, It's Like, Ok, He's In There.

It's Much More Fun To Share And Laugh At The Bad Times And The Frustrations. I Find You Get A Much Deeper Connection With The Audience That Way.

I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

If It's Possible, I Binge. There Are Other Shows, Like 'the Americans' And 'game Of Thrones,' I Watch And Have To Wait A Week.

Let's Have A Moment Of Silence For All The Chubby Asian Dudes That Are Getting 'gangnam Style!' Yelled At Them By Bros Around The World.

When I'm Dating Someone, I Have A List Called My 'oh No Nos.' If A Woman Commits A Oh No No, It Can End The Relationship. Not Loving '90s R&b Music Is #3 On The Oh No Nos List. Girl Don't Even Know Who Ginuwine Is.

I Just Didn’t Want To Be Pigeonholed As An 'ethnic Comic' Or An 'asian Comic.' I Just Wanted To Be On The Same Playing Field As Everyone Else.

Everyone Steals. My Favorite Movie Is Love Don't Cost A Thing With Nick Cannon. Which Is Based On Can't Buy Me Love, Which Is Based On Kramer Vs. Kramer, Or Something, Which I Think Was Shakespeare.

Come On, Man, I Got A Full Beard!

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

I Prefer Being Totally Sober Myself.

I Have Found That She Is As Kind And Caring A Person As She Is Hilarious. Simply Put, Amy Poehler Is My Hero.

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

If Thou Canst Walk On Water, Thou Art No Better Than A Straw. If Thou Canst Fly In The Air, Thou Art No Better Than A Fly. Conquer Thy Heart That Thou Mayest Become Somebody.

I Never Had The Desire To Be A Professional Twitterer. Every Now And Then Something Dumb Pops Into My Head And I'll Tweet It. I Don't Feel Any Obligation To Respond To Everyone. Not That I Don't Appreciate People Sending Me Messages On There, But There Are Too Many. Responding To Everyone Would Take Away Time For All The Stuff I'm Actually In The Business For.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

At The Risk Bragging, One Of The Things I'm Best At Is Riding Coattails. Behind Every Successful Man Is Me, Smiling And Taking Partial Credit.

Most Single People I Know, Myself Included, Have A Difficult Time Even Meeting Up With The People They Like, Be It Busy Schedules, Texting Games, Or Whatever.

She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.

The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

This Is One Of My Favorite Pick Up Strategies: I'm Constantly Giving Women My Keys. So Far, None Of Them Have Shown Up. Matter Of Time. And I've Been Robbed Twice.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

I Spend So Much Time On The Internet...i Feel Like I'm A Million Pages Into The Worst Book Ever, And I'm Never Going To Stop Reading.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

Sometimes You Gotta Work A Little, So You Can Ball A Lot.

Parks And Recreation

So Many Gay Jokes Tonight About (james) Franco. Apparently If You're Clean, Well Dressed And Mildly Cultured, You're Super Gay Now. Is That Why The Rest Of You Guys Are So Aggressively Fat And Dirty? You Think If You Read One Book And Take A Shower, Dicks Are Going To Just Fly Into Your Face.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

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Arthur C. Clarke

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