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I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

-Aziz Ansari

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I Just Think It's

Aziz Ansari

...

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

Views: 50999

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You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

I Live In L.a., I Go On Tour All The Time, I'm In New York Half The Year - It's Very Hard To Be In A Relationship.

You Want What You Can't Have. And If Someone's Being Shitty To You, Just Move On. If Someone's Being Shitty To You, No Matter How Great They Are, That's Shitty, And You Don't Want Be With Someone Who Treats You Shitty.

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

I Never Had The Desire To Be A Professional Twitterer. Every Now And Then Something Dumb Pops Into My Head And I'll Tweet It. I Don't Feel Any Obligation To Respond To Everyone. Not That I Don't Appreciate People Sending Me Messages On There, But There Are Too Many. Responding To Everyone Would Take Away Time For All The Stuff I'm Actually In The Business For.

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

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Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

I Just Didn’t Want To Be Pigeonholed As An 'ethnic Comic' Or An 'asian Comic.' I Just Wanted To Be On The Same Playing Field As Everyone Else.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

So Many Gay Jokes Tonight About (james) Franco. Apparently If You're Clean, Well Dressed And Mildly Cultured, You're Super Gay Now. Is That Why The Rest Of You Guys Are So Aggressively Fat And Dirty? You Think If You Read One Book And Take A Shower, Dicks Are Going To Just Fly Into Your Face.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

I Went To A Place Recently I Think Is One Of The Most F**ked Up Places I've Ever Been To. I'm Convinced This Place Is The Epitome Of American Excess, Of American Greed. I'm Talking About A Place Called Cold Stone Creamery. Whoa. If You Have Not Been There, The Basic Gist Of Cold Stone Is That They Take Ice Cream And Then They Just Go Ape Sh*t With It.

You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

Fiddling Knobs, Touching Keys, Having Fun With A Full Grown Man.

Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

Stand Up Comedy

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.

When I'm Dating Someone, I Have A List Called My 'oh No Nos.' If A Woman Commits A Oh No No, It Can End The Relationship. Not Loving '90s R&b Music Is #3 On The Oh No Nos List. Girl Don't Even Know Who Ginuwine Is.

I Write Characters That Are Based On Elements Of People I Know And Experiences I've Really Had.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

Once You Become A Comedian, You Accept That People Are Just Going To Yell Stuff At You.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

I Guess After College, I Just Got Really Into Food. I Also Think Going On The Road Doing Stand-up Makes You More Into Food. Because When You Travel Like That, One Of The Things To Do Is Find Really Good Places To Eat.

For The Majority Of The Time, I May As Well Have Been Just A Really Tan White Kid. You Know, I May As Well Have Just Been, Like, A Fat Kid.

I Spend So Much Time On The Internet...i Feel Like I'm A Million Pages Into The Worst Book Ever, And I'm Never Going To Stop Reading.

One Of The Big Things I Miss About New York Is Not My Friends So Much; It's Shake Shack, The Burger Place. I Miss Shake Shack.

Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

I Like The Brand Band Of Outsiders. Their Suits Are Cut Really Slim, For Smaller Framed Gentlemen.

I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

Really Good Comedians, You Know, When They Go On Stage, They Don't Really Care What The Audience - They're Fearless, You Know? They're So Comfortable That They Don't Care. They Don't Have That Neediness Where They Need The Laughs.

You Should Really Treat Stand-up Like You Would A Play. It's A One-man Play.

At The Risk Bragging, One Of The Things I'm Best At Is Riding Coattails. Behind Every Successful Man Is Me, Smiling And Taking Partial Credit.

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'

English Language

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

I Was 18 When I Started. I Was Hanging Out With Some Friends And They Asked If I Had Tried Stand-up Before. I Hadn't, But I Thought: 'what The Hell?' So I Went To An Open Mic Night, And I Liked It.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

For The Majority Of The Time, I May As Well Have Been Just A Really Tan White Kid. You Know, I May As Well Have Just Been, Like, A Fat Kid.

I'm The Kind Of Person, If I See Something, Like A Funny Video, I Want To Share It. With Twitter And Tumblr You Can Do That On A Mass Scale, And People Get To Know Your Personality.

It Can Take A Few Months To Get A New 10 Minutes. Usually It Takes Like 10 Times Of Repeatedly Trying Different Variations Of A Joke Until I Land On One I Think Is Really Good.

Yes, I'm Married. But My Wife Understands That A Good Politician Has To Be Appealing To The Ladies. The Fact That I Haven't Even Gotten Close To Cheating On Her Is A Disappointment To Us Both.

Yeah, I've Been A Little Down. Totally Natural. I'm Getting A Divorce, But Now I'm Ready To Pull Myself Up By Some G-strings.

The Most Influential Thing Was The Two Chris Rock Specials That Came Out When I Was In High School. I Was Obsessed With That Stuff.

Any Jokes I Make I Try To Make Sure It's On Story And Helps The Characters And Makes Sense With The Movie.

We've Always Been Divided By Some Of These Big Political Issues. It's Fine. As Long As We Treat Each Other With Respect And Remember That Ultimately, We're All Americans, We'll Be Fine.

If Someone Writes Something Shitty And You Actually Address Them, Most Of The Time They're Just Like, "oh, I'm Sorry. I'm A Big Fan." And They're Really Nice People. When You're On The Internet, It's People's First Instinct To Just Go After People.

I Talk About Stuff Like My Blackberry, Lost, The Internet, Music, Etc. So I Guess That Leads To The "nerd" Moniker. But I Don't Get It That Much To Be Honest. I Guess Its Better Than Being Labeled A "racist" Comedian.

What If I Couldn't Read? I Wouldn't Be Able To Text My Friends Movie Times Or Even Order Cheese Biscuits From Red Lobster!

Yeah, I've Been A Little Down. Totally Natural. I'm Getting A Divorce, But Now I'm Ready To Pull Myself Up By Some G-strings.

Writing Your Own Jokes, You Just Kind Of Keep Working On Something Until You Think It Might Work, And Then You Try It Out And Hope For The Best.

Do It Under The Influence Yourself! That's What We're Shooting For! Get Drunk And Make Your Dreams Come True.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

Most Single People I Know, Myself Included, Have A Difficult Time Even Meeting Up With The People They Like, Be It Busy Schedules, Texting Games, Or Whatever.

Let's Have A Moment Of Silence For All The Chubby Asian Dudes That Are Getting 'gangnam Style!' Yelled At Them By Bros Around The World.

This Is One Of My Favorite Pick Up Strategies: I'm Constantly Giving Women My Keys. So Far, None Of Them Have Shown Up. Matter Of Time. And I've Been Robbed Twice.

The Hardest Part About Rollerblading Is Telling Your Parents You're Gay.

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

Regardless Of Your Ethnicity Or Anything, If You Do Great Work, People Will Notice And You'll Get Hired.

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

I Think Absurdist Humor Is Funny.

You’re A Feminist If You Go To A Jay Z And Beyoncé Concert, And You’re Not Like, ‘mmm, I Feel Like Beyoncé Should Get 23 Percent Less Money Than Jay Z'.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

It's Much More Fun To Share And Laugh At The Bad Times And The Frustrations. I Find You Get A Much Deeper Connection With The Audience That Way.

I Never Had The Desire To Be A Professional Twitterer. Every Now And Then Something Dumb Pops Into My Head And I'll Tweet It. I Don't Feel Any Obligation To Respond To Everyone. Not That I Don't Appreciate People Sending Me Messages On There, But There Are Too Many. Responding To Everyone Would Take Away Time For All The Stuff I'm Actually In The Business For.

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

I Like Going Out And I Like Being Single, But A Growing Part Of Me Would Rather Just Stay Home, Cook Food With Someone I Really Like, And Do Nothing.

Let's Have A Moment Of Silence For All The Chubby Asian Dudes That Are Getting 'gangnam Style!' Yelled At Them By Bros Around The World.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

In This Era, We Have More Choice Than Any Group Of People Ever. When You Are Out At Night, Anyone In The Universe Can Contact You Instantly. Think About How Crazy That Is Compared To Even A Few Decades Ago.

Everyone Steals. My Favorite Movie Is Love Don't Cost A Thing With Nick Cannon. Which Is Based On Can't Buy Me Love, Which Is Based On Kramer Vs. Kramer, Or Something, Which I Think Was Shakespeare.

Oh, Am I Wearing An Ascot? I Didn't Notice.

If You Look Up Feminist In The Dictionary, It Just Means Someone Who Believes Men And Women Have Equal Rights.

It's The Hardest Thing To Come Up With An Hour Of Material That Can Consistently Keep People Laughing.

I've Never Done Online Dating.

The Most Influential Thing Was The Two Chris Rock Specials That Came Out When I Was In High School. I Was Obsessed With That Stuff.

Do You Realize How Much Better The World Would Be If We All Just Treated Each Other The Same Way Black Dudes Treat Magicians?

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

She Broke Up With Me. Didn't Really Tell Me Why. Luckily When You're The Guy, You Can Just Tell People She's Crazy. 'hey, Tom, I Heard You And Lucy Broke Up.' 'yeah, Man. Turns Out, She's Crazy.' That's What They Always Do On Entourage.

Come Cook Food With Me And Do Nothing.

I Just Think It's Sad That The Main Places In Our Culture That We Designate To Meet New People Are Bars And Nightclubs.

So Many Gay Jokes Tonight About (james) Franco. Apparently If You're Clean, Well Dressed And Mildly Cultured, You're Super Gay Now. Is That Why The Rest Of You Guys Are So Aggressively Fat And Dirty? You Think If You Read One Book And Take A Shower, Dicks Are Going To Just Fly Into Your Face.

I Guess My Music Taste Is Pretty Predictable: I Like New Indie Rock Stuff, Older Stuff.

It Can Take A Few Months To Get A New 10 Minutes. Usually It Takes Like 10 Times Of Repeatedly Trying Different Variations Of A Joke Until I Land On One I Think Is Really Good.

London Seems To Be A Town With A Lot Of Comedy Fans And People That Really Enjoy Stand-up.

My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

Acting Is A Plum Gig, And Then Animation Is An Even More Plum Gig.

I Prefer Being Totally Sober Myself.

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

I Weirdly Do Consider Myself An Optimist About Love.

I'm In A Situation With This Girl That's As Hopeless As Overthrowing The Bush Administration.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

You Don't Know Jay-z's Scedule. He's A Renaissance Man.

Renaissance Man

Most People Would Say 'the Deets', But I Say 'the Tails'. Just Another Example Of Innovation.

I Have Found That She Is As Kind And Caring A Person As She Is Hilarious. Simply Put, Amy Poehler Is My Hero.

Whats The Worst That Could Happen?! The Worst That Could Happen Is He Could Cut Off Your Legs And Use Them To Make Stilts That Look Like Legs!

Come On, Man, I Got A Full Beard!

I Have Never Taken The High Road, But I Tell Other People To 'cause Then There's More Room For Me On The Low Road.

Parks And Recreation

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

Once You Become A Comedian, You Accept That People Are Just Going To Yell Stuff At You.

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

I Always Hate Telling My Jokes In Print 'cause I Always Feel Like It Reads So Not Funny And People Read It And They Think, 'oh, So That's What That Guy Does In His Stand-up? That's Terrible.'

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?

Writing Your Own Jokes, You Just Kind Of Keep Working On Something Until You Think It Might Work, And Then You Try It Out And Hope For The Best.

It's Much More Fun To Share And Laugh At The Bad Times And The Frustrations. I Find You Get A Much Deeper Connection With The Audience That Way.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat. When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour.

Instead Of Yelling Your Opinion, Or Telling People To Shut Up, Or Engaging In This Clickbait-internet Culture, Have A Dialogue With Someone And Ask People Questions And Listen To What They Have To Say.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

I've Always Tried To Maintain That I Don't Have Any Advice To Give. I'm A Curious Observer.

Maybe That's Why I Don't Like Religion Because The First Introduction To It Was, You Don't Get To Do That Thing You Just Discovered That You Really Enjoy.

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

I've Always Tried To Maintain That I Don't Have Any Advice To Give. I'm A Curious Observer.

Oh, What's This In My Shoe? Red Carpet Insole. Everywhere I Go, I'm Walking On Red Carpet.

When I'm Dating Someone, I Have A List Called My 'oh No Nos.' If A Woman Commits A Oh No No, It Can End The Relationship. Not Loving '90s R&b Music Is #3 On The Oh No Nos List. Girl Don't Even Know Who Ginuwine Is.

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

The Problem Is There's A New Group. I'm Talking About This Tiny Slice Of People That Have Gotten Way Too Fired Up About The Trump Thing For The Wrong Reasons. I'm Talking About These People That As Soon As Trump Won, They're Like, We Don't Have To Pretend Like We're Not Racist Anymore. We Don't Have To Pretend Anymore. We Can Be Racist Again. Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, No, No. If You're One Of These People, Please Go Back To Pretending.

I'm Kind Of Obsessed With Food. I Like To Eat.

I Know My Fan Base Is A Smart Group Of People.

Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

Come On, Man, I Got A Full Beard!

Being A Rapper Is About Being Cool, But Being A Comedian, You're Not Supposed To Be The Coolest Guy.

I Always Have My Setlist Planned Out, But The Best Moments Are When The Energy Of The Crowd Just Gets Your Mind Working And You Are Able To Come Up With New Tags For Jokes And Just Riff Off Things In The Room.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

I Just Didn’t Want To Be Pigeonholed As An 'ethnic Comic' Or An 'asian Comic.' I Just Wanted To Be On The Same Playing Field As Everyone Else.

As I Always Have With Stand-up Or Anything, You Kind Of Draw On What You're Going Through In Your Life.

The Four Sweetest Words In The English Language — 'you Wore Me Down.'

English Language

Comedians Don't Have Hits. You Have To Have A Whole Brand-new Hour. You Have No Hits To Rely On.

With Stand-up, It's More Interesting To Hear About People's Failures Than Their Successes.

I'm Like An Elephant, Ok? If I Walk Into A Room, It's Like, Ok, He's In There.

What's Cool About Twitter Is That You Can Make A Joke About Something Very Of-the-moment Or Random That I Wouldn't Be Able To Joke About In Stand-up.

Others Fear What The Morrow May Bring. I Am Afraid Of What Happened Yesterday.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

A Lot Of People My Age Think Stand Up Sucks.

You Can't Say Your Favorite Kind Of Cake Is Birthday Cake, That's Like Saying Your Favorite Kind Of Cereal Is Breakfast Cereal.

My Dad Grew Up Basically In A Hut In Taiwan Without Enough Food To Eat. And Within One Generation His Son In America Gets To Do A Comedy Show About Whatever He Wants.

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

Do You Realize How Much Better The World Would Be If We All Just Treated Each Other The Same Way Black Dudes Treat Magicians?

One Of My Life Goals Is To Be A Best Man. It's A Baller Position. You Get Drunk, You Make Speeches, And You Make Love To The Prettiest Bridesmaid, Usually Standing From Behind.

I Like The Brand Band Of Outsiders. Their Suits Are Cut Really Slim, For Smaller Framed Gentlemen.

One Of My Life Goals Is To Be A Best Man. It's A Baller Position. You Get Drunk, You Make Speeches, And You Make Love To The Prettiest Bridesmaid, Usually Standing From Behind.

To Be Honest, I Tend To Romanticize The Past, And Though I Appreciate All The Conveniences Of Modern Life, Sometimes I Yearn For Simpler Times.

No One's Trying To Get With Jugglers.

I Can't Think Of Any Bank Robbery Comedy Where It's About Two Normal Guys. It's Kind Of Like Superbad Meets Heat, Which Is A Cool Combo, And It's Just Fun Doing A Normal Guy That's Robbing A Bank.

I'm The Kind Of Person, If I See Something, Like A Funny Video, I Want To Share It. With Twitter And Tumblr You Can Do That On A Mass Scale, And People Get To Know Your Personality.

At The Risk Bragging, One Of The Things I'm Best At Is Riding Coattails. Behind Every Successful Man Is Me, Smiling And Taking Partial Credit.

I'm So Jealous Of People Who Have Crushes On People They Go To School With, Or Work With. That's Such A Blessing. You Actually Get To See Them All The Time And Spend Time With Them.

I Was Surprised To Learn That Research Showed Arranged Couples Tended To Be Happier In The Long Run.

I Was A Dishwasher At One Of Those Japanese Places That Cook On Your Table. Not Too Fun.

Most Of My Teachers When I Grew Up Were Like Older White Women. So, I Couldn't Really Channel Them.

Sometimes You Gotta Work A Little, So You Can Ball A Lot.

Parks And Recreation

I Have An Amazing Metabolism. I'm Sure That'll Be Gone One Day. But I Like To Exercise, Too, So I Don't Think I'll Ever Get Really Fat.

After You Do A Joke A Few Times, You Have Material That You Know Works. Although Sometimes I Have A Joke That Has Worked A Bunch Of Times And Then One Night It’ll Flop. And That’s When I Really Take A Hard Look At Myself And Say: "well, That Crowd Is Obviously Wrong. That Crowd Has Absolutely No Idea What It’s Talking About."

When You Meet Someone You Really Like And Connect With, I Think That's Very Special, And Not To Be Taken For Granted.

If It's Possible, I Binge. There Are Other Shows, Like 'the Americans' And 'game Of Thrones,' I Watch And Have To Wait A Week.

I Think When People Talk About Improvising It Turns Into This Silly Thing Like, "oh There's Like A Hula Hoop There And I'm Like 'oh What's Going On Here? Is This A Really Big Ring?'"

Most Single People I Know, Myself Included, Have A Difficult Time Even Meeting Up With The People They Like, Be It Busy Schedules, Texting Games, Or Whatever.

I'm An Optimist - I Feel Like An Amazing Part Of Life Is That At Any Moment.

I Strapped An Mp3 Player To One Of Those Floor-cleaning Robots. Call Him Dj Roomba - Little Guy Cruises Around And Plays Music. What's Hot, Dj Roomba!

Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

Stand Up Comedy

Even In My Stand-up, There's A Lot More Positivity And Enthusiasm Rather Than Negative, I-hate-everything Vibes.

If Thou Canst Walk On Water, Thou Art No Better Than A Straw. If Thou Canst Fly In The Air, Thou Art No Better Than A Fly. Conquer Thy Heart That Thou Mayest Become Somebody.

Modern Life. Where Are We Running? Sometimes What We Want Is Not Always Where We Are... Are We Alone? Is The Real Winter Inside Our Hearts? We Are All Struggling For Definition In A World That Resists Our Increase.

I Was 18 When I Started. I Was Hanging Out With Some Friends And They Asked If I Had Tried Stand-up Before. I Hadn't, But I Thought: 'what The Hell?' So I Went To An Open Mic Night, And I Liked It.

Everyone Just Did What Their Parents Did. So That Immediately Made Me Skeptical Of The Whole Religion Thing, Even As A Kid. So I Never Was Really Into Religion As A Concept.

I Spend So Much Time On The Internet...i Feel Like I'm A Million Pages Into The Worst Book Ever, And I'm Never Going To Stop Reading.

As I Always Have With Stand-up Or Anything, You Kind Of Draw On What You're Going Through In Your Life.

If Your Job Was Remotely Interesting, There Would Be A Show On A&e About It.

Everyone's First Thought Is "these Women Are Going To Take Advantage Of You" Or "someone's Only Going To Date You Because You're Famous." That Stuff's Not Really An Issue Because That's Super-easy To See Through.

When I Tour, It's Like, Well, Like A Food Tour As Much As A Comedy Tour. I Try To Eat At All The Weird Places, The Obscure Barbecue Joints, Burger Places. There Are A Few Spots In L.a. That I'm Obsessed With - One Of Them Is The Taco Zone Taco Truck On Alvarado. There Are Secret Off-menu Items That Are Amazing.

When I Bet On Horses, I Never Lose. Why? I Bet On All The Horses.

I Have A Couple Of 'doing Caps' In My Wallet. That's What I Call Condoms.

If You Believe That Men And Women Have Equal Rights, If Someone Asks If You're Feminist, You Have To Say Yes Because That Is How Words Work.

Every Time I've Done Comedy In, Like, Traditional Comedy Clubs, There's Always These Comedians That Do Really Well With Audiences But That The Other Comedians Hate Because They're Just, You Know, Doing Kind Of Cheap Stuff Like Dancing Around Or Doing, Like, Very Kind Of Base Sex Humor A Lot, And Stuff Like That.

Sometimes You Gotta Work A Little, So You Can Ball A Lot.

Parks And Recreation

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Federico Garcia Lorca

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