Background Image

...

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

-Chris Rock

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

I Don't Write Jokes

Chris Rock

...

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

Views: 18868

Topic

More From Chris Rock

People Basically Aren't That Racist. They Want Their Laughs. If I Make A White Guy Laugh, He's Gonna Come See Me. He's Not Gonna Go See The White Guy Who Doesn't Make Him Laugh Just Because That Guy Is White.

When I Hear People Talk About Juggling Or The Sacrifices They Make For Their Children, I Look At Them Like They're Crazy Because Sacrifice Infers That There Was Something Better To Do Than The Thing - Than Being With Your Children.

You Don’t Need No Gun Control, You Know What You Need? We Need Some Bullet Control. Men, We Need To Control The Bullets, That’s Right. I Think All Bullets Should Cost Five Thousand Dollars… Five Thousand Dollars Per Bullet… You Know Why? Cause If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollars There Would Be No More Innocent Bystanders.

When You're Making A Real Documentary, You Shoot It And The Movie Happens. You Don't Make - This Sounds Corny - You Don't Make A Documentary, A Documentary Makes You. It Really Does.

I Want To Really Take Chances. I Want To Be Funny In A Lot Of Different Ways. I'd Like To Be Great. I Want To Reach For Greatness.

It's Easier To Get On Show Business, The Hard Part Is To Maintain. Nobody Stays Famous Forever.

Eddie Murphy Is To Comedians What Nicki Minaj Is To Spanx.

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

I'll Go With The Guy With One House. The Guy With One House Is Scared About Losing His House.

Emotional Affairs, Those Are The Only Real Affairs; Those Are The Real Ones.

Actually, I Think All Addiction Starts With Soda. Every Junkie Did Soda First. But No One Counts That. Maybe They Should. The Soda Connection Is Clear. Why Isn't A Presidential Commission Looking Into This? Or At Least Some Guys From The National Carbonation Council.

I Never Wanted To Churn It Out. Comedians Tend To Work All The Time. They Never Put It Down Like Musicians Who Might Make An Album Then Take Three Or Four Years Off To Recharge Their Batteries. Comedians Tend To Work Straight Through And They Get Stale Because Of That. Even When I Didn't Have A Lot Of Money I Never Ever Did It Unless I Had Something New To Say.

I've Been Away From My Two Daughters At A Very Important Time In Their Life.'i Have Missed Most Of Girl Scout Cookie Season.last Night Zahra, My Youngest Called Me Up And Said :"daddy How Come We Never Sell The Most Cookies? How Come Mrs. Dunn Wins Every Year?"'

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep.

A Comedian Has To Live In His Head. All This Comedy Comes From A Lonely Place. When You're Surrounded By An Entourage, You're Not Living In Your Head.

I'm In Show Business... I Want To Hang Out With Janet Jackson, Not Jesse Jackson.

The Government Doesn't Want You To Use Your Drugs, They Want You To Use Their Drugs.

I Don't Think My Comedy Is That Political. It's More Social. But Whatever. When You Make Comedy And You Do Stand-up, You Work Alone. Movies Have To Go Under So Much Scrutiny. A Stand-up Special Is A Vision, And A Movie Is A Consensus In A Lot Of Ways.

I See Guys Who Can't Make 10 Percent Of What I Make, And Yet They Have Four Bentleys, Three Houses, And Four Bodyguards.

You Cannot Win In A Fight Against Women, Cause Men Have A Need To Make Sense

Nobody Ever Says, 'hey Daddy, Thanks For Knockin' Out This Rent.' 'hey Daddy, I Sure Love This Hot Water.' 'hey Daddy, It's Easy To Read With All This Light.' Nobody Give A Fk About Dads!

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

I Ain't Shootin' Nobody. So Call Me A Faggot! When The War's Over, I'll Be The Faggot With Two Legs, Thank You!

I Think If I Were To Get As Big As I Could Get, It Does Change Your Mind-state. I Think Like The Little Man. I Think Like The Underdog. I Don't Want To Change That.

Learn How To Cook. Read Books That Will Educate You. Get An Education. Get A Career. And Support Yourself. And Live In A Section Of Town That Isn't Conducive To Violence.

You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not Like A Movie, Where A Director Can Just Cast A Pretty Face.

They're Working Their Way Down. Next Year, Todd Bridges Gets The Award. When I Was A Kid I Wanted To Be Eddie Murphy And Now I'm A Rip-off Of Eddie Murphy.

The Democrats Should Have An Empty Chair On Stage For The Entire Dnc, And When Anyone Asks Who It Belongs To, They Can Say Osama Bin Laden.

Osama Bin Laden

I Love Seeing Black People Do Normal Things, Being Judged As Normal People.

I Was Raised To Believe That You Had To Do Things Better Than White People In Order To Succeed. The Old Black Shows Were Better Than The White Shows. "the Jeffersons" (1975) Was A Lot Better. "good Times" (1974) Was Way Funnier. "sanford And Son" (1972). Now, Though, Everyone Thinks We're Equal, So We Submit The Same Shit That Everyone Else Submits. And Then We Get Mad When They Won't Air It. You Got To Go Back To The Old Attitude Of It Has To Be Twice As Good.

Success Is Just Hanging Out With My Kids. I Mean, I Always Say If You Have Options, You're Rich. To Me, Success Is The Fact That Hey, I Just Did A Movie And Maybe I'll Do Some Stand Up, Maybe I'll Will Write A Book Or Maybe I Will Do A Play.

When A Musical Act Performs, The Black Audience Goes Crazy For All The Stuff, The Album Cuts, Everything. White Audiences, They're Nice And All, But They're Not Going To Lose It Until They Get The Hits. Comedy Is The Same Thing.

Men Are Only As Unfaithful As Their Options.

You Can't Be Happy That Fire Cooks Your Food And Be Mad It Burns Your Fingertips.

When You Make Drama You Are Like Picasso. Drama Is Whatever You Want It To Be.

You're Not Famous Unless People's Mothers Know Who You Are. Everybody Else, You Think You're Famous, But You're Just Hot, And Heat Cools Off.

If You Can Keep Your Son Off The Pipe And Your Daughter Off The Pole, You're Ahead Of The Game.

I'm Looking Forward To Not Being Tired Around My Child. My Father Was Tired A Lot. I Want To Play Ball With My Child Without Having To Grab My Shoulder Because I'm Not Physically Fit. And I Want To Really Teach My Child And Become His Or Her Friend.

The Thing About Barack Obama, Just From Being Around Him, Is He's Cooler Than The Other Politicians, But Just Nerdy Enough To Do The Job. Like You Can't Be Really Cool And Be The President.

Men Do Not Settle Down. Men Surrender.

Most Parts In Comedy, They're Not Really Written For Men. They're Written For, Like, These Boy-men.

Black History Month Is In The Shortest Month Of The Year, And The Coldest-just In Case We Want To Have A Parade

Oprah Is Rich, Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out A Fuckin' Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, "i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!"

That's A Sure Sign Someone Is Going Crazy - When He Refers To Himself In The Third Person, Talks In Low Tones, And Walks Around Wearing Shades All Day!

I'm Old Enough To Remember When There Were No Black Quarterbacks - There Were No Blacks On Tv. I Hope My Son Or Daughter Doesn't Have To Be As Fixated On Race As I Am, Because He Or She Will Grow Up In Freer Times.

My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

They Don't Want You To Vote. If They Did, We Wouldn't Vote On A Tuesday. In November. You Ever Throw A Party On A Tuesday? No. Because Nobody Would Come.

Nobody's About Saving Anymore. No One Cares About A Rainy Day Anymore. Nobody Saves Up Enough For Even An Umbrella For A Rainy Day. It's Sad. It Really Is A New Form Of Slavery. We Used To Work To Be Able To Afford Material Things. Now We Work For These Things. They're The Boss. That House You Can't Afford, That Car That's Out Of Your Price Range, That Cellphone That Drains Your Bank Account - That's Your Boss.

I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

Whatever Your Woman Is Into, You Better Be Into. Whatever Your Man Is Into, You Better Be N2. Your Partner Into Church, You Better Be Into Church. Your Man Or Woman A Crack Head, You Better Be A Crack Head ... Otherwise It Just Won't Work.

If Bill Gates Woke Up With Oprah's Money He'd Jump Out The Window.

Wealth Is Not About Having A Lot Of Money; It's About Having A Lot Of Options.

People Are Always Going To, You Know, Find Something Wrong With People Who Are Not The Exact Same As Them. That's Just What It Is. Black, White, Short, Tall, Religions, Whatever. People Are Bad.

The Thing I Try To Get Across To The Writers - And I Do A Lot Of Writing, Too - Is That When I Do Stand-up, Nothing I Talk About Is Funny. Everything Is Really Sad And Tragic And Then I Make It Funny.

Guys Play Characters That Won't Grow Up And Something Catastrophic Happens And They Have To Grow Up To Save The Day - That's Pretty Much What Today's Comedy Is About.

Being A Comedian Is A Lot Like Being An Athlete. If You're Carl Lewis And You're The Fastest, Then No Matter What You're The Fastest.

It's Weird With Stand-up Comedy. It Doesn't Really Translate Worldwide. I Want To Figure Out How Do I Make It Worldwide. Do A Special In Africa. Can't Beat That. Pull That Off, Then I Will Have Done Something.

Karaoke Isn't Fair When You're A Comedian. The Whole Idea Is To Get People Laughing And Enjoying Themselves, And I'm A Professional Funny Guy.

You Know The World Is Messed Up When The Tallest Man In The Nba Is Chinese, The Best Golfer Is Black, And The Best Rapper Is White.

A Cat, By Any Other Name, Is Still A Sneaky Little Furball That Barfs On The Furniture.

You Don't Pay Taxes - They Take Taxes.

I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

Is America Ready For A Black President? Well, I Say We Just Had A Retarded One. When Did Being Black Become A Bigger Deterrent Than Being Retarded?

America Is The Only Place Where People Go Hunting On A Full Stomach.

Unlike Flying Or Astral Projection, Walking Through Walls Is An Earthbound Pursuit.

I'm Like The Hulk On Stage. It's Way Over The Top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I Get Off Stage And Go What Did I Say?! I'll Watch One Of My Stand-up Specials A Year Later And Go Eww, That Was Mean.

When You Make Comedy, You Make It For The People And You Try To Have As Many Screenings And As Many Tests And You Do Focus Groups And You Read The Cards And You Try To Give The People What They Want In This Comedy.

Oprah Is So Rich, I Saw John Kerry Proposing To Her.

Charlie Brown Is The One Person I Identify With. C.b. Is Such A Loser. He Wasn't Even The Star Of His Own Halloween Special.

I Think My Best Work Is When I'm Kind Of In Charge.

Women Can Have All The Evidence But They Still Want The Confession.

The Thing That Surprised Me The Most Is Just How Much Money Women That Weren't Rich Were Paying For Their Hair. When You're In A Beauty Parlor In Harlem Next To Abandoned Buildings And Somebody's Paying Five Grand For A Weave, That's A Bit Much. I Think This Is, In A Weird Way, Part Of The Health Care Debate. It's Like, Hmm, There's People With $2000 Weaves That Could Have Bought Health Care With That Weave Money.

There Are A Lot Of Good Comics, No Doubt, But As Far As The Quality Of The Comics Goes, I Think What You Have Is A Bunch Of Situational Comics - There Are Black Comics That Work Only Black Crowds, Gay Comics That Do Only Gay Crowds, And Southern Comics That Only Work Down South, And So On With Asian, Latino, Indian, Midgets, Etc. The Previous Generation's Comics Were Better Because They Had To Make Everybody Laugh.

Black People Dominate Sports In The United States. 20% Of The Population And 90% Of The Final Four.

Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up, They Want To Get On Tv.

When You Die At 72, No Matter What You Die Of, It's Natural Causes. Even If You Get Hit By A Truck, It's Natural Causes. 'cause If You Was Younger, You'd Have Got Out The Way!

So, To Say Barack Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He's The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That's Not Black Progress. That's White Progress.

If You Live Below Your Means, You Can Turn Down Stuff All The Time.

After I Left High School And Got My Ged, I Studied Broadcast Journalism For A Year At A Community College.

Stand-up Is The Only Career Like That Where Once You Get Really Big At It, People Kind Of Encourage You Not To Do It.

So There's A Cloud Of Rage Around Me, But Being An Artist Kind Of Changes That. No Matter What You Thought Coming In, What Ignorant Thing You Believed, You're In Show Business For Two Years, You're Like, "ok, I Was Wrong." It's Hard To Be Mad At Any Particular Group Of People When You're An Artist.

There's Math, And Everything Else Is Debatable!

I Hate When People Go On Tv And Tell You How Hard It Is To Do Animation. No, No, No. Ups Is Hard Work. I’ve Done Some Animation And Here's How Easy It Is. The Easiest Job In The World. I Go In A Booth And I Go, What’s The Line? And The Guy Goes, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then I Go, It’s Time To Go To The Store. And Then They Gave Me $1 Million.

Black People Have Been Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. George Washington Carver Could Have Been President. I Could Go On With A List Of Black Men That Were Qualified To Be The President Of The United States. So The Obama Victory Is Progress For White People.

All You Crazy White People "i'm American!", All You Did Was Come Out Of Your Mother's Pussy On American Soil. That's It. That's It! What, You Think You're Better Than Somebody From France 'cause You Came Out Of A Pussy In Detroit?

Relationships, Easy To Get Into, Hard To Maintain. Why Are They So Hard To Maintain? Because It’s Hard To Keep Up The Lie! ‘cause You Can’t Get Nobody Being You. You Got To Lie To Get Somebody. You Can’t Get Nobody Looking Like You Look, Acting Like You Act, Sounding Like You Sound. When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You’re Not Meeting Them. You’re Meeting Their Representative!

I've Seen Women Who Don't Have Great Relationships With Their Dads, And It All Comes Down To This: You Have To Tell Girls You Love Them Every Day.

Great Relationship

Every Comedian Has A Moment In His Life When He Realizes He's A Little Bit Different From Everyone Else. It's Like Being The Only Guy In A Movie Who Sees The Ghost. The Ghost Talks To You And You Talk To Him. Then You Turn To Your Friend And Say, "hey. Do You See That Ghost? And He Says, What Ghost?"

Oprah Is Rich; Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out Of A Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, 'i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!'

By The Time I Was 7 Or 8, I Wanted To Be A Comedy Writer.

I Just Thought Everybody Lived Around Abandoned Buildings And Crack-heads, ... I Lived In The Ghetto Until I Was Like 19. I Came To Los Angeles, Stayed At Hotels And Stuff. When I Got Back And I Saw What My Neighborhood Looked Like, I Started Getting Scared.

Anyone Who Makes Up Their Mind About An Issue Before They Hear The Issue Is A Fool.

Kennedy Didn't Beat Nixon. Satire Beat Nixon.

You Can't Have Anything Valuable In Your House. Niggers Will Break In And Take It All! Everything White People Don't Like About Black People, Black People Don't Like About Black People. It's Like Our Own Personal Civil War. On One Side, There's Black People. On The Other, You've Got Niggers. The Niggers Have Got To Go. I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers. I Am Tired Of Niggers. Tired, Tired, Tired.

Artistically I'm Curious. But In Life? No. I Can Go To A Restaurant And Order The Same Thing For 10 Years.

We Americans Commercialize Everything. Look At What We Did To Christmas. Christmas Is Jesus' Birthday. Now, I Don't Know Jesus, But From What I Read He Was The Least Materialistic Person Who Ever Walked The Earth. No Bling On Jesus. He Kept A Low Profile And We Turned His Birthday Into The Most Commercial Day Of The Year. In Fact We Have A Whole Jesus Birthday Season. And Then At The End Of It, We Have The Nerve To Have An Economist Come On Tv And Say What A Horrible Jesus Birthday Season We Had.

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

If You Live With A Single Parent, You Don't See Compromise. You Witness A Grown Person Living In A World Where They Do What They Want To Do. When You Are Raised By Two Parents, You Are Constantly Watching Compromise Take Place. Just By Observing That, It Made Me A Better Person.

America Is The Greatest Country In The Whole World.

My Goals Were Small. My Goal Was To Become A Big Enough Stand-up That I Wouldn't Have To Do Radio. I Could Sell Out A Club, Which Is Like 300 Seats. If I Got Big Enough, I Could Sell Before I Got There, And I Wouldn't Have To Get Up At 6 In The Morning To Do Radio. That Was Pretty Much The Dream. I Had No Idea I'd Be Playing Madison Square Garden Or Anything.

A Sense Of Humor Is Great - It Goes A Long, Long Way In A Marriage.

I Always Say There's No More Little Girls, Just Boys With Breasts. Girls Act Like Boys Nowadays. Teenage Girls, They Go After Boys. They're Predatory Just Like Boys. My Goal Is To Keep My Girls, Girls.

Only Dumb People Try To Impress Smart People. Smart People Just Do What They Do.

A White Boy That Makes C's In College Can Make It To The White House.

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

There's Bad And Then There's Eddy Curry Bad.

Now That I Have Children, I Realize Taking Care Of My Children Is More Fun Than Anything In The Whole World.

Do You Know What The Good Side Of Crack Is? If You're Up At The Right Hour, You Can Get A Vcr For $1.50. You Can Furnish Your Whole House For $10.95.

You Know What Ged Stands For? Good Enough Diploma.

Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

And Even If You Get Shot By A Stray Bullet, You Don't Gotta Go To No Doctor To Get It Taken Out, Whoever Shot You Will Take They Bullet Back! "i Believe You Have My Property!"

You Can Write A Great Country Record And Still Be Angry. Who's Angrier Than Toby Keith? He's Angrier Than The Average 10 Rappers.

I Think Anybody In Front Of A Crowd Is A Comedian.

I Hate Niggas! I Hate Em! I Wish They'd Let Me Join The Ku Klux Klan!

You Don't Pay Taxes; They Take Them From Your Check. That's Not A Payment - That's A 'jack.

Carol Leifer Is Funny, Really Funny.

I'm Never Proper Or Careful, But I Never Curse In Front Of My Mother, Either.

A Black Man Will Be Elected President Of The United States. I'm Sorry, That's In The Year 10,000.

I Like Talking About Subjects That Aren't Funny In The First Place And Making Them Funny. So Anything Down And Depressing Is Something I'll Talk About.

So, To Say Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He’s The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That’s Not Black Progress. That’s White Progress. There’s Been Black People Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. The Question Is, You Know, My Kids Are Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Children. There Have Been Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Black Children For Hundreds Of Years. The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

I'm An Independent, But I Got To Admit I Lean Democratic.

Everyone Has Favorite Criminals. Mine Are Pimps. We Can All Rob A Bank; We Can All Sell Drugs. Being A Pimp Is A Whole Other Thing.

If You’re A Black Christian, You Have A Real Short Memory.

Standup Comedians Are Attracted To One Another Because Of Their Faults. So We're All Kind Of Messed Up In The Same Way, And Once I Was Around A Group Of People That Saw The World In A Different Way, It's Like This Is Where I Need To Be.

All People Naturally Hate. My Kid Bites People Now. I Didn't Teach My Kid To Bite Anybody. Kids Say Mean Stuff. Only Through Love Do We Get This Evil Out Of Them. Only Through Love And Structure And Discipline Do They Not Hate. The Kids That Hate Didn't Learn Anything, That's The Problem.

I Was Bused To A School In Gerritsen Beach In Brooklyn In 1972. I Was One Of The First Black Kids In The History Of The School.

It's My Real Name. My Mother's Name Is Rose Rock. It Was The Worst Name As A Kid To Have. They Called Me Piece Of The Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, And Flintstones. Now They Call Me Mister Rock.

You Just Got To Be Really Logical When You're A Comedian - To A Fault. Like A Lawyer's Got To Believe In The Law.

People Want What They Want. And I Guess That Is A Reason We Have This Big Credit Card Problem And A Lot Of These Foreclosures.

The Two Best Things You Can Do For A Person Is Have Sex Or Make Them Laugh.

I Pride Myself On Being The Guy Who Can Do Def Comedy Jam And Charlie Rose. And Do Well On Both.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

If You Wanna Get Away With Murder, All You Gotta Do Is Shoot Somebody In The Head And Put A Demo Tape In Their Pocket! 'this Is A Rap Killing! Let's Get Outta Here!'

Hollywood's Racist. Hollywood Is Sorority Racist. It's Like - We Like You, Rhonda, But You're Not A Kappa.

I Love Having Somebody There - That Companion Thing. You Know Who You're Going To Eat With, Who You're Going To See A Movie With.

Yeah, It's Unfair That You Can Get Judged By Something You Didn't Do, But It's Also Unfair That You Can Inherit Money That You Didn't Work For.

I Used To Have Horrible Cars That Would Always End Up Broken Down On The Highway. When I Tried To Flag Someone Down, Nobody Stopped. But If I Pushed My Own Car, Other Drivers Would Get Out And Push With Me. If You Want Help, Help Yourself - People Like To See That.

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

There's Not One Reference In That Thing That Doesn't Play. People Deal With Emotions In Music All The Time, But Comedians Are Always Talking About What They See. But We Seldom Talk About What We Feel.

If You Properly Clean A Room, It Gets Dirtier Before It Gets Cleaner.

So If You're Black Or Brown, You Can Make Money In America, You Can Get Rich In America... But Whatever You Decide To Do, It Better Be Positive, 'cause If One Person Is Harmed, You Will Be Destroyed. You See Oprah, She Just Be Giving Away Money. She's Doing That To Keep The Feds Off Her Back.

In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

I Think It's Better To Have Ideas.

I Got Love From My Family. I Don't Really Need Love From A Paper, You Know What I Mean? I Can't Get Too Happy Because Somebody Said Something Nice About Me. I Appreciate It, But Let's Not Get It Twisted - This Is Not Changing My Life.

Anything You Can Suck At Should Make You Nervous.

I Don't Need A President With A Bucket List!

Whatever Your Pleasure, I Can Facilitate. You Need Weed, You Need Meth - Hey, You Need Prozac, I'm Your Man. I Know How You White Boys Always Deal With That Depression. I Mean Me Personally, I Don't Understand What You White Boys Are All Depressed About. Hey, You're White! Smile!

The Only Plan I Have Is To Not Do Anything I Don't Want To Do - And To Never Work Just For Money.

If You're The President You Only Have Two Jobs: Peace And Money.

I Used To Work At Mcdonald's Making Minimum Wage. You Know What That Means When Someone Pays You Minimum Wage? You Know What Your Boos Was Trying To Say? "hey If I Could Pay You Less, I Would, But It's Against The Law."

See, The Black Man Gotta Fly To Get To Something The White Man Can Walk To.

If Your Work Is So Smart That Only Smart People Get It, It's Not That Smart.

Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

Right Now, My Job Is That I'm Like An Ambulance Chaser. I've Got To Look For Movies With White Guys Falling Out Of Them.

Black Comics, They Only Watch Black Comedians. You're A Comedian; You're Not Just A Black Comedian. You're A Comedian. I Try To Get That Through To Everybody.

We Were So Poor My Daddy Unplugged The Clocks When We Went To Bed.

Funny Is Only Something That Others Know About You - You Can't Be Funny By Yourself.

When You're White, The Sky's The Limit. When You're Black, The Limit's The Sky.

I Literally Don't Know What I'm Going To Do Next. That's Successful.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

I Try To Stay With It And I Try To Stay In Contact With Comedians And Just Keep Comedians In My Life 'cause Comedians Are Their Own Species. If You Get Away From Them, Especially As A Comedian, I Think It's Dangerous.

Comedians Are The One Who Have To Tell The Emperor He Has No Clothes On.

Black Movies Don't Have Real Names, They Have Names Like Barbershop. That's Not A Name, That's Just A Location.

My Mother Always Says: "you Know Better, So You'll Be Punished. Your Friends Don't Know Better, So They Won't Be Punished. They Can Go Snatch Chains And They'll Be Fine. But If You Snatch Chains, You'll End Up In Jail Because You Know Better."

I'll Probably Pay More Attention To The Musicians In The Pit Than The Stars Because They're The Closest You're Going To Get To Normal People In The Audience.

When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You're Not Meeting Them. You're Meeting Their Representative.

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

You Can Never Make A Woman Happy, It's Impossible. I've Never Met A Happy Woman In My Life. They're Always Complaining About Something.

Don't Argue! You Cannot Win, You Cannot Beat A Woman In A Arguement. It's Impossble You Will Not Win. Cause Men, We Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing Cause We Have A Need To Make Sense

God Bless America. And No Place Else.

You Only Know That You're Smart Because You're Around Dumb People From Time To Time!

I Can See The Humor In Just About Any Situation. After I Lost My Dad, I Realized That None Of Us Should Take Things Too Seriously, Because Everything Except Death Works Itself Out.

There Are People Who Would Like To Get Rid Of Minimum Wage. But We Have To Have It, Because If We Didn't Some People Would Not Get Paid Money. They Would Work All Week For Two Loaves Of Bread And Some Spam.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

Nobody's Good. I Hate It. I Truly Hate It. I Mean, There's A Lot Of Guys Doing Stuff I Admire, But Stand-up-wise I Feel Very Alone. I Really Miss Bill Hicks. I Wish I Could Have Put Him On My Show. And I Really Miss Sam Kinison A Lot. Richard Pryor's Sick... It's Like You Get Here And Then, Oh Wait A Minute, There's Nobody Here Any More. I Feel Like The Guy Who Finally Got Into Studio 54, Three Years Too Late, Duh, Where Are All The Famous People?

Two Hours Of Sparkling Entertainment Spread Out Over A Four-hour Show.

A Man Is Only As Faithful As His Options.

Loyal And Faithful

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

You Don't Need A Critic To Tell You People Aren't Laughing.

I Do What I Can Do When I Can Do It.

My Mother Is The Kind Of Woman You Don't Want To Be In Line Behind At The Supermarket. She Has Coupons For Coupons.

Community College Is Like A Disco With Books: "here's Ten Dollars; Let Me Get My Learn On!"

Just To Be Clear, Ray Rice Was Not Fired For Beating His Wife. He Was Fired Because A Video Of Him Beating His Wife Was Released.

Stand-up Comedy Is Like The Lowest Medium In All Of Show Business In Levels Of Respect.

My Movies Are Okay, But They're Not My Specials.

I Believe You Got My Property?

If A Kid Calls His Grandma "mommy" And His Mama "pam", He's Going To Jail!

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

You Can Only Offend Me If You Mean Something To Me.

There's Always A Moment In Any Stand-up Show I Do Where People Are Booing. They Kinda Boo A Premise. And Then I Bail Myself Out With A Joke. But It's Like Trying To Do Movies Where There's A Dramatic Undertone.

One Of My Daughters Told Me The Other Day, "kevin Hart Is Funnier Than You, Daddy." I Told Her, "does Kevin Hart Make You Pancakes?"

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

You Know, You Get Famous And You Work In These Weird Jobs And You Don't Have A Lot In Common With People. But Once You Have Kids, You Have Everything In Common With Everybody.

Dude, I Didn't Say Jude Law Can't Act. I Didn't Say Jude Law Was In Bad Movies. I Just Said He's In Every Movie.

Are We So Desperate For Entertainment That We Will Fall For A Trickless Magician?? Saw A Woman In Half. Pull A Rabbit Out Of A Hat. Do Something! What Tricks Does This Guy Have? "i'm In A Box...and I Ain't Gonna Eat.". "i'm In A Box... And I Ain't Gonna Eat!!" That Ain't No Trick! That's Called Living In The Projects!

Happy White Peoples Independence Day The Slaves Weren't Free But I'm Sure They Enjoyed Fireworks.

Trending Author

George P. Shultz

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Category