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In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

-Chris Rock

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In The World Of

Chris Rock

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In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

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Anyone Who Makes Up Their Mind About An Issue Before They Hear The Issue Is A Fool.

Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up, They Want To Get On Tv.

I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

My Dad Worked Every Day. I Didn't Get Into Show Business To Work Every Day. So The Fact That Most Days I Get To Like, Spend Really Good Time With My Kids - That's What Success Is To Me.

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I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

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If Bill Gates Woke Up With Oprah's Money He'd Jump Out The Window.

Gay People Got A Right To Be As Miserable As Everybody Else.

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

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Comedians Are The One Who Have To Tell The Emperor He Has No Clothes On.

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I Was At Michael Jackson's House, And This Kid Runs Out, 'wait, Save Me!'

Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

A Black Man Will Be Elected President Of The United States. I'm Sorry, That's In The Year 10,000.

Oprah Is Rich; Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out Of A Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, 'i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!'

Wealth Is Not About Having A Lot Of Money; It's About Having A Lot Of Options.

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

Dude, I Didn't Say Jude Law Can't Act. I Didn't Say Jude Law Was In Bad Movies. I Just Said He's In Every Movie.

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Smart Is Knowing If You're Dumb. Knowing When To Shut Up And To Listen To People That Are Smarter Than You.

If You See A Black Woman With An Overweight White Man, You Know She Got Effed Up Credit!

I Was Raised To Believe That You Had To Do Things Better Than White People In Order To Succeed. The Old Black Shows Were Better Than The White Shows. "the Jeffersons" (1975) Was A Lot Better. "good Times" (1974) Was Way Funnier. "sanford And Son" (1972). Now, Though, Everyone Thinks We're Equal, So We Submit The Same Shit That Everyone Else Submits. And Then We Get Mad When They Won't Air It. You Got To Go Back To The Old Attitude Of It Has To Be Twice As Good.

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I Pride Myself On Being The Guy Who Can Do Def Comedy Jam And Charlie Rose. And Do Well On Both.

Music Is The Soundtrack To The Crappy Movie That Is My Life.

I Never Watched The Oscars. Come On, It's A Fashion Show . . . What Straight Black Man Sits There And Watches The Oscars? Show Me One. And They Don't Recognize Comedy, And You Don't See A Lot Of Black People Nominated, So Why Should I Watch It?

When You Make Drama You Are Like Picasso. Drama Is Whatever You Want It To Be.

Tomorrow Is More Sure Than Just About Anything Else In The Entire World.

My Goal In Life Was To Host The Mtv Awards, Because It's The Awards Show That Prince Sang On, And That Was The Awards Show That Eddie Murphy Hosted And Arsenio Hosted.

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Is America Ready For A Black President? Well, I Say We Just Had A Retarded One. When Did Being Black Become A Bigger Deterrent Than Being Retarded?

If You Told Me Two Years I Would Miss The Greatest Basketball Game Ever To Hang Out With Nathan Lane, I'd Say, 'you're Crazy!'

The Only Reaction That Frightens Me Is People Not Laughing. It's Extraordinary To Me When You Get A Laugh. That You Can Go In Front Of A Bunch Of People You Never Met Before, You Can Say Some Stuff And They All Laugh In Unison - That's Amazing. It's A Miracle.

There's A Difference Between Racism And "i Don't Know Any Better. I'm Clueless." Racism Is Like, "i'm Trying To Make You Feel Bad." That's Racism.

If You’re A Black Christian, You Have A Real Short Memory.

Babies Don't Know Who's Rich And Who's Poor. You Love 'em And They're Happy.

Pretty Girls Have Problems Too.

You Only Know That You're Smart Because You're Around Dumb People From Time To Time!

I Just Love New York. New York Has Energy, It Has Culture, New York Is Very Diverse. There's Not A Better Place In The World.

Emotional Affairs, Those Are The Only Real Affairs; Those Are The Real Ones.

You Won’t Be Able To Take Your Eyes Off The Next Four Presenters: Salma Hayek And Penelope Cruz.

Most People Don't Realize This, But You Can Eat Organic, All Natural, Gluten-free Food Without Telling Everyone Around You.

The Two Best Things You Can Do For A Person Is Have Sex Or Make Them Laugh.

I Do What I Can Do When I Can Do It.

A Comedy Club Is A Place Where You Work Out Material, You're Trying Material.

When People Try To Read Between The Lines - Critics, They Have A Job. Their Job Is To Make Something Bigger Than It Is.

When You've Been On A Ghetto Diet Your Entire Life, You're Just Happy To Get A Large Soda Instead Of A Medium.

Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

Only Married People Understand You Can Be Miserable And Happy At The Same Time.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

And Even If You Get Shot By A Stray Bullet, You Don't Gotta Go To No Doctor To Get It Taken Out, Whoever Shot You Will Take They Bullet Back! "i Believe You Have My Property!"

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

Happy White Peoples Independence Day The Slaves Weren't Free But I'm Sure They Enjoyed Fireworks.

When You're Doing A Big-budget Movie And You're Four On The Call Sheet, You've Got A Lot Of Free Time.

Shaq Is Rich. The White Man Who Signs His Check... Is Wealthy. "ah, Here You Go, Shaq. Go Buy Yourself A Bouncing Car. Bling, Bling!"

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies.

People Say, 'why Is He Bored With Her?' Because He's A Human Being, That's Why; Same Way His Wife Is Bored With Him. That Is Marriage - Anything That's Supposed To Be Forever, Your Going To Get Bored With It. And There Is Nothing Wrong With It, So Don't Take It Personal; If You Are With Somebody For Ten Years And They Are Not Bored With You? Then Something Is Wrong With Them.

I'm Like The Hulk On Stage. It's Way Over The Top. That's Bizarro Chris. Sometimes I Get Off Stage And Go What Did I Say?! I'll Watch One Of My Stand-up Specials A Year Later And Go Eww, That Was Mean.

You Don't Pay Taxes; They Take Them From Your Check. That's Not A Payment - That's A 'jack.

All People Naturally Hate. My Kid Bites People Now. I Didn't Teach My Kid To Bite Anybody. Kids Say Mean Stuff. Only Through Love Do We Get This Evil Out Of Them. Only Through Love And Structure And Discipline Do They Not Hate. The Kids That Hate Didn't Learn Anything, That's The Problem.

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

I Like The Tradition Of The Oscars. I Like That Some Of The Greatest Comedians Ever Have Hosted The Show.

I Believe You Got My Property?

I'm Looking Forward To Not Being Tired Around My Child. My Father Was Tired A Lot. I Want To Play Ball With My Child Without Having To Grab My Shoulder Because I'm Not Physically Fit. And I Want To Really Teach My Child And Become His Or Her Friend.

If A Kid Calls His Grandma "mommy" And His Mama "pam", He's Going To Jail!

When You're Making A Real Documentary, You Shoot It And The Movie Happens. You Don't Make - This Sounds Corny - You Don't Make A Documentary, A Documentary Makes You. It Really Does.

Oprah Is Rich, Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out A Fuckin' Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, "i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!"

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Why Do People Do Yoga? To Clear Their Minds? I Embrace The Clutter In My Head.

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There's Math, And Everything Else Is Debatable!

A Black Christian Is Like A Black Person With No Memory.

You Just Got To Be Really Logical When You're A Comedian - To A Fault. Like A Lawyer's Got To Believe In The Law.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

I'll Go With The Guy With One House. The Guy With One House Is Scared About Losing His House.

Two Hours Of Sparkling Entertainment Spread Out Over A Four-hour Show.

So, To Say Barack Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He's The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That's Not Black Progress. That's White Progress.

You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not Like A Movie, Where A Director Can Just Cast A Pretty Face.

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

Whatever Your Pleasure, I Can Facilitate. You Need Weed, You Need Meth - Hey, You Need Prozac, I'm Your Man. I Know How You White Boys Always Deal With That Depression. I Mean Me Personally, I Don't Understand What You White Boys Are All Depressed About. Hey, You're White! Smile!

I Took My Alds Test. You Start Reflecting... You Start Thinking About Every Nasty, Skank-ass... It's Like The Movie Scrooge, And The Ghost Of Pussy Past Comes.

The U.s Government Hates Rap Music

We Got No Wealthy Black People. We Got Rich People. Shaq Is Rich. The Guy Who Signs His Checks Is Wealthy.

We Treat Racism In This Country Like It's A Style That America Went Through. Like Flared Legs And Lava Lamps. Oh, That Crazy Thing We Did. We Were Hanging Black People. We Treat It Like A Fad Instead Of A Disease That Eradicates Millions Of People. You've Got To Get It At A Lab, And Study It, And See Its Origins, And See What It's Immune To And What Breaks It Down.

The Government Doesn't Want You To Use Your Drugs, They Want You To Use Their Drugs.

I Love My Life, But I Don't Think I'm Any Happier Than My Younger Brother Andre, Who Drives A Garbage Truck.

Love Of My Life

The Material Comes From Whenever You Realize That You And Someone Else Have Something In Common. So Any Conversation You've Had More Than Once, Anything You See Happening To You That You See Happening To A Friend, You Go, Hmmm, That's A Situation I Can Make Funny.

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Charles Babbage

Sydney J. Harris

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