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Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

-Chris Rock

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Here's The Thing. When

Chris Rock

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Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

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I Never Had The Confidence To Say I Was Going To Be In Front Of The Camera As A Comedian Until I Saw Eddie Murphy Years Later.

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Hollywood's Racist. Hollywood Is Sorority Racist. It's Like - We Like You, Rhonda, But You're Not A Kappa.

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Oprah Is So Rich, I Saw John Kerry Proposing To Her.

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Only Dumb People Try To Impress Smart People. Smart People Just Do What They Do.

See, The Black Man Gotta Fly To Get To Something The White Man Can Walk To.

Men Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing, 'cause We Have A Need To Make Sense.

I Always Say There's No More Little Girls, Just Boys With Breasts. Girls Act Like Boys Nowadays. Teenage Girls, They Go After Boys. They're Predatory Just Like Boys. My Goal Is To Keep My Girls, Girls.

Most Parts In Comedy, They're Not Really Written For Men. They're Written For, Like, These Boy-men.

I Love Seeing Black People Do Normal Things, Being Judged As Normal People.

You Know, You Get Famous And You Work In These Weird Jobs And You Don't Have A Lot In Common With People. But Once You Have Kids, You Have Everything In Common With Everybody.

I'm Severely Overrated. I'm Just Above A Hack.

There's Math, And Everything Else Is Debatable!

You Know The World Is Messed Up When The Tallest Man In The Nba Is Chinese, The Best Golfer Is Black, And The Best Rapper Is White.

I Try To Stay With It And I Try To Stay In Contact With Comedians And Just Keep Comedians In My Life 'cause Comedians Are Their Own Species. If You Get Away From Them, Especially As A Comedian, I Think It's Dangerous.

Yeah, It's Unfair That You Can Get Judged By Something You Didn't Do, But It's Also Unfair That You Can Inherit Money That You Didn't Work For.

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Kennedy Didn't Beat Nixon. Satire Beat Nixon.

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People Say, 'why Is He Bored With Her?' Because He's A Human Being, That's Why; Same Way His Wife Is Bored With Him. That Is Marriage - Anything That's Supposed To Be Forever, Your Going To Get Bored With It. And There Is Nothing Wrong With It, So Don't Take It Personal; If You Are With Somebody For Ten Years And They Are Not Bored With You? Then Something Is Wrong With Them.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

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You Got A Gun, You Don't Have To Work Out.

If You Live With A Single Parent, You Don't See Compromise. You Witness A Grown Person Living In A World Where They Do What They Want To Do. When You Are Raised By Two Parents, You Are Constantly Watching Compromise Take Place. Just By Observing That, It Made Me A Better Person.

So, To Say Barack Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He's The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That's Not Black Progress. That's White Progress.

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

I Always Say About My Daughters, They Save Me From My Miserable Self. They Take Me Out, You Know, A Comedian, You Could Live In Your Head A Lot. And You're Writing And You're Doubting. But When I'm With My Kids And My Family, It's All About Them.

A Sense Of Humor Is Great - It Goes A Long, Long Way In A Marriage.

You Want To Track Hollywood Careers, Look In The Real Estate Section. You See A Guy Buy A House That Costs $6 Million, And You Can Literally Start Counting The Days Until He Starts Doing Crappy Movies.

You Cannot Win In A Fight Against Women, Cause Men Have A Need To Make Sense

I See Guys Who Can't Make 10 Percent Of What I Make, And Yet They Have Four Bentleys, Three Houses, And Four Bodyguards.

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

I Get Approached To Do Shows All The Time. There's A Lot Of Money In Sitcoms, But I've Never Been The Kind Of Guy Who Wanted To Do One. I Don't Think People Want To See Me Saying "honey, I'm Home." It's Just Not My Thing.

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You'd Got A Baseball Game, Or A Football Game, Basketball Game, "usa! Usa! Usa!" Hey, Calm Down! Got A Little German On It, Don't You Think?

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

A Cat, By Any Other Name, Is Still A Sneaky Little Furball That Barfs On The Furniture.

Are They Real Fires? Or Are People Just Reacting To Something? Just Because There’s An Alarm Going Doesn’t Mean It’s A Fire. And I Think That People Are Confusing The Two. It’s Only A Fire When It Offends The Fans, And The Fans Turn On You. Tosh Has Fans, And They Get The Joke. If You’ve Watched Enough Tracy Morgan, You Let The Worst Thing Go By. When Did Tracy Morgan Become Walter Cronkite? You Have To Mean Something To Me To Offend Me. You Can’t Break Up With Me If We Don’t Date.

If You Can Keep Your Son Off The Pipe And Your Daughter Off The Pole, You're Ahead Of The Game.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

Every Man Has To Settle Down Eventually. You Know Why You Gotta Settle Down Eventually? Because You Don't Want To Be The Old Guy In The Club. You Know What I'm Talking About. Every Club You Go Into, There's Always Some Old Guy. He Ain't Really Old, Just A Little Too Old To Be In The Club.

I've Been Married For 10 Years And, You Know, It's Hard, You Spruce It Up And You Go Places. How Do You Spruce Up Anything? Artificially. You Go Places And Do Things.

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

Black Comics, They Only Watch Black Comedians. You're A Comedian; You're Not Just A Black Comedian. You're A Comedian. I Try To Get That Through To Everybody.

No Matter What Kind Of Backgrounds Two Men Are From, If You Go, 'hey, Man, Women Are Crazy,' You've Got A Friend.

Eddie Murphy Is To Comedians What Nicki Minaj Is To Spanx.

I Love My Life, But I Don't Think I'm Any Happier Than My Younger Brother Andre, Who Drives A Garbage Truck.

Love Of My Life

Farrakhan Got Everybody Together For The Million Man March And Everything. But Farrakhan Don't Like The Jews. Which Is Bugged. I Get My Hair Cut On Dekalb Avenue. I Never Been In A Barbershop And Heard A Bunch Of Brothers Talking About Jews. Black People Don't Hate Jews. Black People Hate White People! We Don't Got Time To Dice White People Up Into Little Groups. I Hate Everybody! I Don't Care If You Just Got Here. "hey, I'm Romanian." "you Romanian Cracker!"

If You Live Below Your Means, You Can Turn Down Stuff All The Time.

Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up, They Want To Get On Tv.

I Don't Think My Comedy Is That Political. It's More Social. But Whatever. When You Make Comedy And You Do Stand-up, You Work Alone. Movies Have To Go Under So Much Scrutiny. A Stand-up Special Is A Vision, And A Movie Is A Consensus In A Lot Of Ways.

You Don't Pay Taxes - They Take Taxes.

You Know Those Guys That Go To The Strip Club At The Daytime? If You're At A Strip Club, And The Sun Is Out, You Got Some Problems!

A Comedy Club Is A Place Where You Work Out Material, You're Trying Material.

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

Shaq Is Rich. The White Man Who Signs His Check... Is Wealthy. "ah, Here You Go, Shaq. Go Buy Yourself A Bouncing Car. Bling, Bling!"

The U.s Government Hates Rap Music

Artistically I'm Curious. But In Life? No. I Can Go To A Restaurant And Order The Same Thing For 10 Years.

You Can't Be Happy That Fire Cooks Your Food And Be Mad It Burns Your Fingertips.

Only Married People Understand You Can Be Miserable And Happy At The Same Time.

America Is The Only Place Where People Go Hunting On A Full Stomach.

You Can Write A Great Country Record And Still Be Angry. Who's Angrier Than Toby Keith? He's Angrier Than The Average 10 Rappers.

I Live Way Below My Means.

You Know The World's Gone Mad When The Best Rapper Is A White Guy, The Best Golfer Is A Black Guy, The Swiss Hold The America's Cup, France Is Accusing The Usa Of Arrogance And The Germans Don't Want To Go To War !

I've Remade A Few Movies And They All Have One Thing In Common: Great Endings. If You're Going To Remake Something, Make Sure That Ending Is Tight. It's A Little Less Challenging, If You Have A Great Ending. If You Don't Have A Great Ending, Don't Remake The Movie.

A White Boy That Makes C's In College Can Make It To The White House.

Unlike Flying Or Astral Projection, Walking Through Walls Is An Earthbound Pursuit.

I Just Remember That Whenever I Got Really Mad Or Passionate, Like In An Argument, People Would Laugh, And I'd Be Dead Serious. It Would Happen A Lot. So It Was Like, Gee, I've Got Something Here.

We Treat Racism In This Country Like It's A Style That America Went Through. Like Flared Legs And Lava Lamps. Oh, That Crazy Thing We Did. We Were Hanging Black People. We Treat It Like A Fad Instead Of A Disease That Eradicates Millions Of People. You've Got To Get It At A Lab, And Study It, And See Its Origins, And See What It's Immune To And What Breaks It Down.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

Charlie Brown Is The One Person I Identify With. C.b. Is Such A Loser. He Wasn't Even The Star Of His Own Halloween Special.

Relationships, Easy To Get Into, Hard To Maintain. Why Are They So Hard To Maintain? Because It’s Hard To Keep Up The Lie! ‘cause You Can’t Get Nobody Being You. You Got To Lie To Get Somebody. You Can’t Get Nobody Looking Like You Look, Acting Like You Act, Sounding Like You Sound. When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You’re Not Meeting Them. You’re Meeting Their Representative!

I Think If I Were To Get As Big As I Could Get, It Does Change Your Mind-state. I Think Like The Little Man. I Think Like The Underdog. I Don't Want To Change That.

I Pride Myself On Being The Guy Who Can Do Def Comedy Jam And Charlie Rose. And Do Well On Both.

People Are The Same Wherever You Go. And If They Weren't, They Wouldn't Laugh At The Same S**t.

Emotional Affairs, Those Are The Only Real Affairs; Those Are The Real Ones.

If You're Black, You Got To Look At America A Little Bit Different. You Got To Look At America Like The Uncle Who Paid For You To Go To College, But Who Molested You.

Wealth Is Not About Having A Lot Of Money; It's About Having A Lot Of Options.

I Live In A Neighborhood So Bad That You Can Get Shot While Getting Shot.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

Women Need Food, Water, And Compliments That's Right. And An Occasional Pair Of Shoes.

Actually, I Think All Addiction Starts With Soda. Every Junkie Did Soda First. But No One Counts That. Maybe They Should. The Soda Connection Is Clear. Why Isn't A Presidential Commission Looking Into This? Or At Least Some Guys From The National Carbonation Council.

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

Money Is The Best Lotion In The World.

Nobody's About Saving Anymore. No One Cares About A Rainy Day Anymore. Nobody Saves Up Enough For Even An Umbrella For A Rainy Day. It's Sad. It Really Is A New Form Of Slavery. We Used To Work To Be Able To Afford Material Things. Now We Work For These Things. They're The Boss. That House You Can't Afford, That Car That's Out Of Your Price Range, That Cellphone That Drains Your Bank Account - That's Your Boss.

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

I Mean No Disrespect To Anything I Did Before.

Carol Leifer Is Funny, Really Funny.

I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

White Man Makes Guns? No Problem. Black Rapper Says "gun"? Congressional Hearing.

Stand-up Is The Only Career Like That Where Once You Get Really Big At It, People Kind Of Encourage You Not To Do It.

I Literally Don't Know What I'm Going To Do Next. That's Successful.

Smart Is Knowing If You're Dumb. Knowing When To Shut Up And To Listen To People That Are Smarter Than You.

So, To Say Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He’s The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That’s Not Black Progress. That’s White Progress. There’s Been Black People Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. The Question Is, You Know, My Kids Are Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Children. There Have Been Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Black Children For Hundreds Of Years. The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

The Only Reaction That Frightens Me Is People Not Laughing. It's Extraordinary To Me When You Get A Laugh. That You Can Go In Front Of A Bunch Of People You Never Met Before, You Can Say Some Stuff And They All Laugh In Unison - That's Amazing. It's A Miracle.

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep.

Community College Is Like A Disco With Books: "here's Ten Dollars; Let Me Get My Learn On!"

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Garrison Keillor

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