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If You Wanna Get Away With Murder, All You Gotta Do Is Shoot Somebody In The Head And Put A Demo Tape In Their Pocket! 'this Is A Rap Killing! Let's Get Outta Here!'

-Chris Rock

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If You Wanna Get

Chris Rock

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If You Wanna Get Away With Murder, All You Gotta Do Is Shoot Somebody In The Head And Put A Demo Tape In Their Pocket! 'this Is A Rap Killing! Let's Get Outta Here!'

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I'm A Rap Comedian The Same Way Bill Cosby Is A Jazz Comedian, Cosby's Laid Back. I'm Like, Bang, Bang Bang, Right Into It.

You're Not Famous Unless People's Mothers Know Who You Are. Everybody Else, You Think You're Famous, But You're Just Hot, And Heat Cools Off.

I Always Say There's No More Little Girls, Just Boys With Breasts. Girls Act Like Boys Nowadays. Teenage Girls, They Go After Boys. They're Predatory Just Like Boys. My Goal Is To Keep My Girls, Girls.

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I'll Go Back To Comedy Clubs When They Get A Real No-camera Policy, The Same Way They Did With Smoking.

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I'll Go With The Guy With One House. The Guy With One House Is Scared About Losing His House.

The Thing About Having An Audience Right There Laughing Is That Critics Can Write What They Want, But The Proof Is Right There In Front Of You.

Even If You Meet The Perfect Person, It Ain’t Gonna Be At The Perfect Time. You’re Married, They’re Single. That’s Right. You’re Jewish, They’re Palestinian. You’re A Mexican, They’re A Raccoon. You’re A Black Woman, He’s A Black Man.

Kids Raised On A Culture Of “we’re Not Going To Keep Score In The Game Because We Don’t Want Anybody To Lose.” Or Just Ignoring Race To A Fault. You Can’t Say “the Black Kid Over There.” No, It’s “the Guy With The Red Shoes.” You Can’t Even Be Offensive On Your Way To Being Inoffensive.

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The U.s Government Hates Rap Music

I'm Looking Forward To Not Being Tired Around My Child. My Father Was Tired A Lot. I Want To Play Ball With My Child Without Having To Grab My Shoulder Because I'm Not Physically Fit. And I Want To Really Teach My Child And Become His Or Her Friend.

If You’re A Black Christian, You Have A Real Short Memory.

There's Always A Moment In Any Stand-up Show I Do Where People Are Booing. They Kinda Boo A Premise. And Then I Bail Myself Out With A Joke. But It's Like Trying To Do Movies Where There's A Dramatic Undertone.

I've Remade A Few Movies And They All Have One Thing In Common: Great Endings. If You're Going To Remake Something, Make Sure That Ending Is Tight. It's A Little Less Challenging, If You Have A Great Ending. If You Don't Have A Great Ending, Don't Remake The Movie.

People Want What They Want. And I Guess That Is A Reason We Have This Big Credit Card Problem And A Lot Of These Foreclosures.

Gun Control? We Need Bullet Control! I Think Every Bullet Should Cost 5,000 Dollars. Because If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollar, We Wouldn't Have Any Innocent Bystanders.

If Bill Gates Woke Up With Oprah's Money He'd Jump Out The Window.

If You Want To Prevent Abortions, You Make Sure Everyone Has Health Care, A High School Education And Birth Control. Not The Exact Opposite.

When You Meet Somebody For The First Time, You're Not Meeting Them. You're Meeting Their Representative.

A Sense Of Humor Is Great - It Goes A Long, Long Way In A Marriage.

Two Hours Of Sparkling Entertainment Spread Out Over A Four-hour Show.

When You're Doing A Big-budget Movie And You're Four On The Call Sheet, You've Got A Lot Of Free Time.

And Even If You Get Shot By A Stray Bullet, You Don't Gotta Go To No Doctor To Get It Taken Out, Whoever Shot You Will Take They Bullet Back! "i Believe You Have My Property!"

Oprah Is Rich; Bill Gates Is Wealthy. If Bill Gates Woke Up Tomorrow With Oprah's Money, He'd Jump Out Of A Window And Slit His Throat On The Way Down Saying, 'i Can't Even Put Gas In My Plane!'

A Lot Of Racism Going On In The World Right Now. Who's More Racist? Black People Or White People? Black People. You Know Why? 'cuz We Hate Black People Too! Everything White People Don't Like About Black People, Black People Really Don't Like About Black People.

Black People Dominate Sports In The United States. 20% Of The Population And 90% Of The Final Four.

I Used To Work At Mcdonald's Making Minimum Wage. You Know What That Means When Someone Pays You Minimum Wage? You Know What Your Boos Was Trying To Say? "hey If I Could Pay You Less, I Would, But It's Against The Law."

Here's The Thing. When We Talk About Race Relations In America Or Racial Progress, It's All Nonsense. There Are No Race Relations. White People Were Crazy. Now They're Not As Crazy. To Say That Black People Have Made Progress Would Be To Say They Deserve What Happened To Them Before.

People Are Always Going To, You Know, Find Something Wrong With People Who Are Not The Exact Same As Them. That's Just What It Is. Black, White, Short, Tall, Religions, Whatever. People Are Bad.

You Know, You Get Famous And You Work In These Weird Jobs And You Don't Have A Lot In Common With People. But Once You Have Kids, You Have Everything In Common With Everybody.

Remember When We Was Young, Everybody Used To Have These Arguments About Who's Better, Michael Jackson Or Prince? Prince Won!

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In The World Of Animation, You Can Be Anything You Wanna Be. If You're A Fat Woman, You Can Play A Skinny Princess. If You're Short Wimpy Guy, You Can Play A Tall Gladiator. If You're A White Man, You Can Play An Arabian Prince. And If You're A Black Man, You Can Play A Donkey Or A Zebra.

They Don't Want You To Vote. If They Did, We Wouldn't Vote On A Tuesday. In November. You Ever Throw A Party On A Tuesday? No. Because Nobody Would Come.

They're Working Their Way Down. Next Year, Todd Bridges Gets The Award. When I Was A Kid I Wanted To Be Eddie Murphy And Now I'm A Rip-off Of Eddie Murphy.

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Who's Judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul Judging A Singing Contest Is Like Christopher Reeve Judging A Dance Contest!

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Love Of My Life

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Most Parts In Comedy, They're Not Really Written For Men. They're Written For, Like, These Boy-men.

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I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers.

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My Kids Don't Have A Trust Fund, They Have A Debt Fund. Oh My God, They're $4 Million In The Hole.

You Can't Think The Thoughts You Want To Think If You Think You're Being Watched.

Men Lie The Most. Men Lie All The Time.

Dude, I Didn't Say Jude Law Can't Act. I Didn't Say Jude Law Was In Bad Movies. I Just Said He's In Every Movie.

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I Believe You Got My Property?

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Whoever You Hate Will End Up In Your Family. You Don't Like Gays? You're Gonna Have A Gay Son. You Don't Like Puerto Ricans? Your Daughter's Gonna Come Home With Livin' La Vida Loca!

I Don't Need A President With A Bucket List!

I'm An Independent, But I Got To Admit I Lean Democratic.

George Bush Hates Midgets.

So, To Say Barack Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He's The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That's Not Black Progress. That's White Progress.

Daddy Pays For The Water, Daddy Pays For The Gas, Daddy Pays For The Electricity, And If Daddy Didn't Pay For The Electricity, He'd Pay For The Candle On Your Nightstand, So You Can Study For The Big Test Tomorrow.

I Think It’s Better To Have Ideas. You Can Change An Idea; Changing A Belief Is Trickier.

You Know, Some People Say Life Is Short And That You Could Get Hit By A Bus At Any Moment And That You Have To Live Each Day Like It's Your Last. Bullshit. Life Is Long. You're Probably Not Gonna Get Hit By A Bus. And You're Gonna Have To Live With The Choices You Make For The Next Fifty Years.

Cherish Every Moment

You Know You're Rich When You Have To Drive For A Half Hour To Get To Your House Once You're On Your Property.

When I Hear People Talk About Juggling Or The Sacrifices They Make For Their Children, I Look At Them Like They're Crazy Because Sacrifice Infers That There Was Something Better To Do Than The Thing - Than Being With Your Children.

I Think All The Funny People Were Bullied. When They Talk About Outlawing Bullying, It's Like, What? You Want No Comedy Central?

For The Most Part, Comedy Is The Only Fair Part Of Show Business.

My Mother Got Sick When I Was Rich. And My Mother, You Know … I Don’t Really Want To Get Into It, But My Mother Was Sicker Than My Father. And My Mother’s Alive. My Mother’s Fine, Ok? I Remember Going To The Hospital To See My Mother And Wondering, ‘was I In The Right Place?’ Like, This Was A Hotel. Like It Had A Concierge, Man. If The Average Person Really Knew The Discrepancy In The Health Care System, There’d Be Riots In The Streets, Ok? They Would Burn This M-therf—ker Down!

Early In My Career It Was Very Important That I Gain The Reputation. I Haven't Been On The Road In Two Or Three Years, But When I Say Tickets Are On Sale, I Know They're Going To Be Gone, Even If My Movie Bombed Or My Tv Show Sucked.

You Got A Gun, You Don't Have To Work Out.

A Man Is Only As Faithful As His Options.

Loyal And Faithful

I Think It's Better To Have Ideas.

I Like The Tradition Of The Oscars. I Like That Some Of The Greatest Comedians Ever Have Hosted The Show.

I Don't Write Jokes First. I Write Down Topics. I Think Of What I Want To Talk About, And Then I Write The Jokes - They Don't Write Me... And Even If You Don't Think It's Funny, You Won't Think It's Boring. You Might Disagree, But You'll Listen. And Maybe Even Laugh As You Disagree.

I Live In A Neighborhood So Bad That You Can Get Shot While Getting Shot.

If Poor People Knew How Rich Rich People Are, There Would Be Riots In The Streets.

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies... A Man's Lie Is, "i'm At Tony House, I Was At Kenny House!" A Woman Lie Is Like, "it's Your Baby!"

The Only Acting You Ever See At The Oscars Is When People Act Like They’re Not Mad They Lost. Nicole Kidman Was Smiling So Wide, She Should Have Won An Emmy At The Oscars For Her Great Performance. I Was Like, "if You’d Done That In The Movie, You’d Have Won An Oscar, Girl."

That's All We Had When I Was A Kid: Robitussin. No Matter What You Got, Robitussin Better Handle It. "daddy, I Got Asthma." "robitussin." "i Got Cancer." "robitussin." "i Broke My Leg." Daddy Poured Robitussin On It. "yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get In There. Yeah, Boy, Let That 'tussin Get On Down To The Bone. The 'tussin Ought To Straighten Out The Bone."

Shaq Is Rich. The White Man Who Signs His Check... Is Wealthy. "ah, Here You Go, Shaq. Go Buy Yourself A Bouncing Car. Bling, Bling!"

I Have Four Jackets, Five Pants, Whatever, That Are All The Same. If You See U2 In Concert, They Wear The Same Thing Every Night. They Just Got A Bunch Of Them. Albert Einstein Used To Wear Brown Suits Every Day. Why Waste Brainpower On Something That Is Trivial?

Nobody's Good. I Hate It. I Truly Hate It. I Mean, There's A Lot Of Guys Doing Stuff I Admire, But Stand-up-wise I Feel Very Alone. I Really Miss Bill Hicks. I Wish I Could Have Put Him On My Show. And I Really Miss Sam Kinison A Lot. Richard Pryor's Sick... It's Like You Get Here And Then, Oh Wait A Minute, There's Nobody Here Any More. I Feel Like The Guy Who Finally Got Into Studio 54, Three Years Too Late, Duh, Where Are All The Famous People?

If You Live With A Single Parent, You Don't See Compromise. You Witness A Grown Person Living In A World Where They Do What They Want To Do. When You Are Raised By Two Parents, You Are Constantly Watching Compromise Take Place. Just By Observing That, It Made Me A Better Person.

I Want My Name To Be A Brand In Comedy. I Hope My Name Stands For Comedic Excellence.

I Met So Many People After I Got Rich And Famous, And I Learned That You Can't Ultimately Trust People Unless They Were Your Friends When You Were Broke.

I Never Wanted To Churn It Out. Comedians Tend To Work All The Time. They Never Put It Down Like Musicians Who Might Make An Album Then Take Three Or Four Years Off To Recharge Their Batteries. Comedians Tend To Work Straight Through And They Get Stale Because Of That. Even When I Didn't Have A Lot Of Money I Never Ever Did It Unless I Had Something New To Say.

Whatever Your Pleasure, I Can Facilitate. You Need Weed, You Need Meth - Hey, You Need Prozac, I'm Your Man. I Know How You White Boys Always Deal With That Depression. I Mean Me Personally, I Don't Understand What You White Boys Are All Depressed About. Hey, You're White! Smile!

I Saw The Yearbook Picture. There Was Six Of Them! I Ain't Have Six Friends In High School, I Don't Have Six Friends Now! That's Three On Three With A Half Court.

So, To Say Obama Is Progress Is Saying That He’s The First Black Person That Is Qualified To Be President. That’s Not Black Progress. That’s White Progress. There’s Been Black People Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. The Question Is, You Know, My Kids Are Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Children. There Have Been Smart, Educated, Beautiful, Polite Black Children For Hundreds Of Years. The Advantage That My Children Have Is That My Children Are Encountering The Nicest White People That America Has Ever Produced. Let’s Hope America Keeps Producing Nicer White People.

Nobody Really Wants To Be A Stand-up, They Want To Get On Tv.

You Don’t Need No Gun Control, You Know What You Need? We Need Some Bullet Control. Men, We Need To Control The Bullets, That’s Right. I Think All Bullets Should Cost Five Thousand Dollars… Five Thousand Dollars Per Bullet… You Know Why? Cause If A Bullet Cost Five Thousand Dollars There Would Be No More Innocent Bystanders.

I've Been Away From My Two Daughters At A Very Important Time In Their Life.'i Have Missed Most Of Girl Scout Cookie Season.last Night Zahra, My Youngest Called Me Up And Said :"daddy How Come We Never Sell The Most Cookies? How Come Mrs. Dunn Wins Every Year?"'

You Can't Fake Comedy - It's Not Like A Movie, Where A Director Can Just Cast A Pretty Face.

Right Now, My Job Is That I'm Like An Ambulance Chaser. I've Got To Look For Movies With White Guys Falling Out Of Them.

Carol Leifer Is Funny, Really Funny.

Kids Always Act Up The Most Before They Go To Sleep. And When I See The Tea Party And All This Stuff, It Actually Feels Like Racism’s Almost Over. Because This Is The Last - This Is The Act Up Before The Sleep. They’re Going Crazy. They’re Insane. You Want To Get Rid Of Them - And The Next Thing You Know, They’re Fucking Knocked Out. And That’s What’s Going On In The Country Right Now.

I See Guys Who Can't Make 10 Percent Of What I Make, And Yet They Have Four Bentleys, Three Houses, And Four Bodyguards.

When You're White, The Sky's The Limit. When You're Black, The Limit's The Sky.

Comedians Are The One Who Have To Tell The Emperor He Has No Clothes On.

I Can See The Humor In Just About Any Situation. After I Lost My Dad, I Realized That None Of Us Should Take Things Too Seriously, Because Everything Except Death Works Itself Out.

Oprah Is So Rich, I Saw John Kerry Proposing To Her.

Success Is Just Hanging Out With My Kids. I Mean, I Always Say If You Have Options, You're Rich. To Me, Success Is The Fact That Hey, I Just Did A Movie And Maybe I'll Do Some Stand Up, Maybe I'll Will Write A Book Or Maybe I Will Do A Play.

You Can Never Make A Woman Happy, It's Impossible. I've Never Met A Happy Woman In My Life. They're Always Complaining About Something.

I Never Watched The Oscars. Come On, It's A Fashion Show . . . What Straight Black Man Sits There And Watches The Oscars? Show Me One. And They Don't Recognize Comedy, And You Don't See A Lot Of Black People Nominated, So Why Should I Watch It?

It Used To Take Years To Become A Junkie. But Crack Cut That Down To 37 Minutes.

Emotional Affairs, Those Are The Only Real Affairs; Those Are The Real Ones.

When You're Making A Real Documentary, You Shoot It And The Movie Happens. You Don't Make - This Sounds Corny - You Don't Make A Documentary, A Documentary Makes You. It Really Does.

A Comedian Has To Live In His Head. All This Comedy Comes From A Lonely Place. When You're Surrounded By An Entourage, You're Not Living In Your Head.

Men Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing, 'cause We Have A Need To Make Sense.

The Material Comes From Whenever You Realize That You And Someone Else Have Something In Common. So Any Conversation You've Had More Than Once, Anything You See Happening To You That You See Happening To A Friend, You Go, Hmmm, That's A Situation I Can Make Funny.

I Used To Have Horrible Cars That Would Always End Up Broken Down On The Highway. When I Tried To Flag Someone Down, Nobody Stopped. But If I Pushed My Own Car, Other Drivers Would Get Out And Push With Me. If You Want Help, Help Yourself - People Like To See That.

The Government Hates Rap. That's Why They Don't Arrest Anybody That Kills Rappers! Only The Good Ones Are Dead, Man! Only The Good Ones: Biggie Dead, Tupac Dead, Vanilla Ice Still Alive! They Don't Fill Out A Police Report. They Don't Even Have A Chalk Line When It's A Dead Rapper, They Just Take A Piss Around The Body.

I Mean No Disrespect To Anything I Did Before.

I Don't Get High, But Sometimes I Wish I Did. That Way, When I Messed Up In Life I Would Have An Excuse. But Right Now There's No Rehab For Stupidity.

Funny Is Only Something That Others Know About You - You Can't Be Funny By Yourself.

Comedy Is The Blues For People Who Can’t Sing.

Every Town Has The Same Two Malls: The One White People Go To And The One White People Used To Go To.

Wealth Is Not About Having A Lot Of Money; It's About Having A Lot Of Options.

I Like Talking About Subjects That Aren't Funny In The First Place And Making Them Funny. So Anything Down And Depressing Is Something I'll Talk About.

Pretty Girls Have Problems Too.

Is America Ready For A Black President? Well, I Say We Just Had A Retarded One. When Did Being Black Become A Bigger Deterrent Than Being Retarded?

So If You're Black Or Brown, You Can Make Money In America, You Can Get Rich In America... But Whatever You Decide To Do, It Better Be Positive, 'cause If One Person Is Harmed, You Will Be Destroyed. You See Oprah, She Just Be Giving Away Money. She's Doing That To Keep The Feds Off Her Back.

That's A Sure Sign Someone Is Going Crazy - When He Refers To Himself In The Third Person, Talks In Low Tones, And Walks Around Wearing Shades All Day!

Stand-up Comedy Is Like The Lowest Medium In All Of Show Business In Levels Of Respect.

We Were So Poor My Daddy Unplugged The Clocks When We Went To Bed.

Everything's Funny - In The Right Context And Done By The Right Person.

I Learned Pretty Quickly That It's Your Work Ethic That Levels The Playing Field. Education Helps, But I've Met Failures Who Have Ph.d.s. I Believe The Hardest Worker Is Always Going To Win.

Artistically I'm Curious. But In Life? No. I Can Go To A Restaurant And Order The Same Thing For 10 Years.

The Key To Staying Together Is Making Sure You Guys Like Each Other And Need Each Other.

All People Naturally Hate. My Kid Bites People Now. I Didn't Teach My Kid To Bite Anybody. Kids Say Mean Stuff. Only Through Love Do We Get This Evil Out Of Them. Only Through Love And Structure And Discipline Do They Not Hate. The Kids That Hate Didn't Learn Anything, That's The Problem.

You Know Those Guys That Go To The Strip Club At The Daytime? If You're At A Strip Club, And The Sun Is Out, You Got Some Problems!

There's A Difference Between Racism And "i Don't Know Any Better. I'm Clueless." Racism Is Like, "i'm Trying To Make You Feel Bad." That's Racism.

So There's A Cloud Of Rage Around Me, But Being An Artist Kind Of Changes That. No Matter What You Thought Coming In, What Ignorant Thing You Believed, You're In Show Business For Two Years, You're Like, "ok, I Was Wrong." It's Hard To Be Mad At Any Particular Group Of People When You're An Artist.

Yeah, I Love Being Famous. It's Almost Like Being White, Y'know?

People Really Cared More About Women's Hair. But Nobody Takes You Seriously With Jheri Curls Is What We've Deduced. If You Got An Afro And You Go "fight The Power" People Will Follow You. If You Got A Jheri Curl, People Just Laugh.

Give Me A Black Man, A White Woman, A Giraffe, A Zebra Anything But Another White Man! That Last One F***ed Up My Roof!

You Only Know That You're Smart Because You're Around Dumb People From Time To Time!

You Don't Pay Taxes - They Take Taxes.

Whatever Your Woman Is Into, You Better Be Into. Whatever Your Man Is Into, You Better Be N2. Your Partner Into Church, You Better Be Into Church. Your Man Or Woman A Crack Head, You Better Be A Crack Head ... Otherwise It Just Won't Work.

Community College Is Like A Disco With Books: "here's Ten Dollars; Let Me Get My Learn On!"

See... Relationships Are Hard, Man. For Order, For Any Relationship To Work, Both People Have To Be On The Same Page, Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And We All Know What That Page Is. We All Know What That Focus Is. In Order For The Relationship To Work Both People Have To Have The Same Focus, And What's That Focus? That Focus Is All About Her! It's All About Her!

If You Live Below Your Means, You Can Turn Down Stuff All The Time.

The Thing That Surprised Me The Most Is Just How Much Money Women That Weren't Rich Were Paying For Their Hair. When You're In A Beauty Parlor In Harlem Next To Abandoned Buildings And Somebody's Paying Five Grand For A Weave, That's A Bit Much. I Think This Is, In A Weird Way, Part Of The Health Care Debate. It's Like, Hmm, There's People With $2000 Weaves That Could Have Bought Health Care With That Weave Money.

I Don't Think My Comedy Is That Political. It's More Social. But Whatever. When You Make Comedy And You Do Stand-up, You Work Alone. Movies Have To Go Under So Much Scrutiny. A Stand-up Special Is A Vision, And A Movie Is A Consensus In A Lot Of Ways.

No, I Want Big Ol' Titties In My Face!

People Are The Same Wherever You Go. And If They Weren't, They Wouldn't Laugh At The Same S**t.

Black History Month Is In The Shortest Month Of The Year, And The Coldest-just In Case We Want To Have A Parade

You Can't Have Anything Valuable In Your House. Niggers Will Break In And Take It All! Everything White People Don't Like About Black People, Black People Don't Like About Black People. It's Like Our Own Personal Civil War. On One Side, There's Black People. On The Other, You've Got Niggers. The Niggers Have Got To Go. I Love Black People, But I Hate Niggers. I Am Tired Of Niggers. Tired, Tired, Tired.

Don't Argue! You Cannot Win, You Cannot Beat A Woman In A Arguement. It's Impossble You Will Not Win. Cause Men, We Are Handicapped When It Comes To Arguing Cause We Have A Need To Make Sense

I Just Thought Everybody Lived Around Abandoned Buildings And Crack-heads, ... I Lived In The Ghetto Until I Was Like 19. I Came To Los Angeles, Stayed At Hotels And Stuff. When I Got Back And I Saw What My Neighborhood Looked Like, I Started Getting Scared.

Nobody's About Saving Anymore. No One Cares About A Rainy Day Anymore. Nobody Saves Up Enough For Even An Umbrella For A Rainy Day. It's Sad. It Really Is A New Form Of Slavery. We Used To Work To Be Able To Afford Material Things. Now We Work For These Things. They're The Boss. That House You Can't Afford, That Car That's Out Of Your Price Range, That Cellphone That Drains Your Bank Account - That's Your Boss.

Women Need Food, Water, And Compliments That's Right. And An Occasional Pair Of Shoes.

Black People Have Been Qualified To Be President For Hundreds Of Years. George Washington Carver Could Have Been President. I Could Go On With A List Of Black Men That Were Qualified To Be The President Of The United States. So The Obama Victory Is Progress For White People.

There Are Only Three Things Women Need In Life: Food, Water, And Compliments.

Only A Woman Can Make You Feel Wrong For Doing Something Right.

I'm Severely Overrated. I'm Just Above A Hack.

My Dad Worked Every Day. I Didn't Get Into Show Business To Work Every Day. So The Fact That Most Days I Get To Like, Spend Really Good Time With My Kids - That's What Success Is To Me.

Anything You Can Suck At Should Make You Nervous.

Gas Is Getting So Expensive I'm Gonna Ride A Mexican To Work.

I've Been Married For 10 Years And, You Know, It's Hard, You Spruce It Up And You Go Places. How Do You Spruce Up Anything? Artificially. You Go Places And Do Things.

When People Try To Read Between The Lines - Critics, They Have A Job. Their Job Is To Make Something Bigger Than It Is.

I Ain't Shootin' Nobody. So Call Me A Faggot! When The War's Over, I'll Be The Faggot With Two Legs, Thank You!

When You Make Comedy, You Make It For The People And You Try To Have As Many Screenings And As Many Tests And You Do Focus Groups And You Read The Cards And You Try To Give The People What They Want In This Comedy.

The Thing About Barack Obama, Just From Being Around Him, Is He's Cooler Than The Other Politicians, But Just Nerdy Enough To Do The Job. Like You Can't Be Really Cool And Be The President.

You Can't Be Happy That Fire Cooks Your Food And Be Mad It Burns Your Fingertips.

Why Do People Do Yoga? To Clear Their Minds? I Embrace The Clutter In My Head.

It's Easier To Get On Show Business, The Hard Part Is To Maintain. Nobody Stays Famous Forever.

There's Bad And Then There's Eddy Curry Bad.

A Comedy Club Is A Place Where You Work Out Material, You're Trying Material.

Here's What I Knew About Doing A Play: I Knew It Would Make Me A Better Actor.

Bill Cosby Was The First Comedian I Was Exposed To, Because He Doesn't Curse.

Men Lie The Most, Women Tell The Biggest Lies.

A White Boy That Makes C's In College Can Make It To The White House.

Standup Comedians Are Attracted To One Another Because Of Their Faults. So We're All Kind Of Messed Up In The Same Way, And Once I Was Around A Group Of People That Saw The World In A Different Way, It's Like This Is Where I Need To Be.

Music Is The Soundtrack To The Crappy Movie That Is My Life.

Before I Was A Comedian, I Thought The Coolest Thing That Would Happen To Me Was Being A Teenager... Boy, Was I Wrong!

Anyone Who Makes Up Their Mind About An Issue Before They Hear The Issue Is A Fool.

Black Comics, They Only Watch Black Comedians. You're A Comedian; You're Not Just A Black Comedian. You're A Comedian. I Try To Get That Through To Everybody.

Gay People Got A Right To Be As Miserable As Everybody Else.

A Black Man Will Be Elected President Of The United States. I'm Sorry, That's In The Year 10,000.

You Can Only Offend Me If You Mean Something To Me.

You Want To Track Hollywood Careers, Look In The Real Estate Section. You See A Guy Buy A House That Costs $6 Million, And You Can Literally Start Counting The Days Until He Starts Doing Crappy Movies.

We Americans Commercialize Everything. Look At What We Did To Christmas. Christmas Is Jesus' Birthday. Now, I Don't Know Jesus, But From What I Read He Was The Least Materialistic Person Who Ever Walked The Earth. No Bling On Jesus. He Kept A Low Profile And We Turned His Birthday Into The Most Commercial Day Of The Year. In Fact We Have A Whole Jesus Birthday Season. And Then At The End Of It, We Have The Nerve To Have An Economist Come On Tv And Say What A Horrible Jesus Birthday Season We Had.

The Two Best Things You Can Do For A Person Is Have Sex Or Make Them Laugh.

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Phyllis McGinley

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