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You Can Be Loved By Your Family, Your Mate, And Your Friends Yet Not Love Yourself. You Can Be Admired By Your Associates Yet Regard Yourself As Worthless. You Can Project An Image Of Assurance And Poise That Fools Almost Everyone Yet Secretly Tremble With A Sense Of Inadequacy. You Can Fulfill The Expectations Of Others Yet Fail Your Own. You Can Win Every Honor Yet Feel That You Have Accomplished Nothing. What Shall It Profit A Person To Gain The Esteem Of The Whole World Yet Lose His Or Her Own?

-Nathaniel Branden

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You Can Be Loved

Nathaniel Branden

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You Can Be Loved By Your Family, Your Mate, And Your Friends Yet Not Love Yourself. You Can Be Admired By Your Associates Yet Regard Yourself As Worthless. You Can Project An Image Of Assurance And Poise That Fools Almost Everyone Yet Secretly Tremble With A Sense Of Inadequacy. You Can Fulfill The Expectations Of Others Yet Fail Your Own. You Can Win Every Honor Yet Feel That You Have Accomplished Nothing. What Shall It Profit A Person To Gain The Esteem Of The Whole World Yet Lose His Or Her Own?

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It Is Painful To Face The Self We Know We Have Never Had The Integrity To Honor And Assert.

The Greatest Barrier To Achievement And Success Is Not Lack Of Talent Or Ability But Rather The Feeling That Achievement And Success, Above A Certain Level, Are Outside Our Self-concept-our Image Of Who We Are And What Is Appropriate To Us.

When Your Principles Seem To Be Demanding Suicide, Clearly It's Time To Check Your Premises

Every Day, It's Important To Ask And Answer These Questions: "what's Good In My Life?" And "what Needs To Be Done?"

It Is Generally Recognized That Creativity Requires Leisure, An Absence Of Rush, Time For The Mind And Imagination To Float And Wander And Roam, Time For The Individual To Descend Into The Depths Of His Or Her Psyche, To Be Available To Barely Audible Signals Rustling For Attention. Long Periods Of Time May Pass In Which Nothing Seems To Be Happening. But We Know That Kind Of Space Must Be Created If The Mind Is To Leap Out Of Its Accustomed Ruts, To Part From The Mechanical, The Known, The Familiar, The Standard, And Generate A Leap Into The New.

Fear And Pain Should Be Treated As Signals Not To Close Our Eyes But To Open Them Wider.

In The Whole History Of Capitalism, No One Has Been Able To Establish A Coercive Monopoly By Means Of Competition In A Free Market...every Single Coercive Monopoly That Exists Or Ever Has Existed...was Created And Made Possible Only By An Act Of Government...which Granted Special Privileges (not Obtainable In A Free Market) To A Man Or A Group Of Men, And Forbade All Others To Enter That Particular Field.

For "i" To Become "we" And Yet Remain "i," Is One Of The Great Challenges Of Marriage.

We Must Become What We Wish To Teach.

One Of The Characteristics Of Love Relationships That Flower Is A Relatively High Degree Of Mutual Self-disclosure

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Moved By A Passion They Do Not Understand For A Goal They Seldom Reach, Men And Women Are Haunted By The Vision Of A Distant Possibility That Refuses To Be Extinguished.

A Productive Purpose To Which You Give Yourself Fully And Joyfully Is One Of The Great Adventures Of Life. It Is A Uniquely Human Source Of Happiness.

It Is Very Difficult To Accept In Others Emotions You Cannot Accept In Yourself.

A Goal Without An Action Plan Is A Daydream.

Freedom Is Still The Most Radical Idea Of All.

If You Do Not Feel Deserving Of Happiness, Consciously Or Subconsciously, Or If You Have Accepted The Idea That Happiness Is Somehow Wrong Or Cannot Last, You Will Not Respond Appropriately When Happiness Comes Knocking At Your Door In The Form Of Romantic Love. No Matter How Much You May Have Waited And Cried, You Will Not Welcome Love When It Arrives-you Will Find A Way To Sabotage It. What A Challenge To Resist This Temptation! What An Opportunity For True Spiritual Growth And Transformation-to Defy Your Negative Feelings And Honor The Gift That Life Offers You!

One Of The Hardest Expressions Of Self-assertiveness Is Challenging Your Limiting Beliefs.

To Trust One's Mind And To Know That One Is Worthy Of Happiness Is The Essence Of Self-esteem.

The First Love Affair You Must Consummate Is The Love Affair With Yourself. Only Then Are You Ready For A Romantic Relationship.

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The Highest Compliment One Can Be Paid By Another Human Being Is To Be Told: 'because Of What You Are, You Are Essential To My Happiness.'

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Sometimes Pain Is Easier To Bear Alone Than Happiness.

Integrity Means Congruence. Words And Behavior Match.

Self-acceptance Is My Refusal To Be In An Adversarial Relationship To Myself.

The Ultimate Test Of Our Integrity Is Not How We Deal With Those Whom We Agree But How We Deal With Those Who We Do Not Agree.

If We Attach More Importance To What Other People Believe Than To What We Know To Be True - If We Value Belonging Over Being - We Will Not Attain Authenticity.

Innovators And Creators Are Persons Who Can To A Higher Degree Than Average Accept The Condition Of Aloneness. They Are More Willing To Follow Their Own Vision, Even When It Takes Them Far From The Mainland Of The Human Community. Unexplored Places Do Not Frighten Them- Or Not, At Any Rate, As Much As They Frighten Those Around Them. This Is One Of The Secrets Of Their Power. That Which We Call Genius Has A Great Deal To Do With Courage And Daring, A Great Deal To Do With Nerve.

Self-esteem Is A Powerful Force Within Each Of Us... Self-esteem Is The Experience That We Are Appropriate To Life And To The Requirements Of Life.

What A Great Teacher, A Great Parent, A Great Psychotherapist And A Great Coach Have In Common Is A Deep Belief In The Potential Of The Person With Whom They Are Concerned. They Relate To The Person From Their Vision Of His Or Her Worth And Value.

The Greater A Child’s Terror, And The Earlier It Is Experienced, The Harder It Becomes To Develop A Strong And Healthy Sense Of Self.

It Is Impressive To See A Person Who Has Been Battered By Life In Many Ways, Who Is Torn By A Variety Of Unsolved Problems, Who May Be Alienated From Many Aspects Of The Self-but Who Is Still Fighting, Still Struggling, Still Striving To Find The Path To A Fulfilling Existence, Moved By The Wisdom Of Knowing, "i Am More Than My Problems."

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Romantic Love Can Be Terrifying. We Experience Another Human Being As Enormously Important To Us. So There Is Surrender -not A Surrender To The Other Person So Much As To Our Feeling For The Other Person. What Is The Obstacle? The Possibility Of Loss.

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To Preserve An Unclouded Capacity For The Enjoyment Of Life Is An Unusual Moral And Psychological Achievement. Contrary To Popular Belief, It Is Not The Prerogative Of Mindlessness, But The Exact Opposite: It Is The Reward Of Self-esteem.

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The Stability We Cannot Find In The World, We Must Create Within Our Own Persons.

Whether Your Focus Is On Preserving And Strengthening Family Ties In A World Of Increasingly Unstable Relationships, Gaining Access To A Decent Job, Growing And Evolving As A Person, Or Guiding A Company Through The Stormy Seas Of A Fiercely Competitive Global Marketplace-whether Your Goals Are Material, Emotional, Or Spiritual-the Price Of Success Is The Same: Thinking, Learning. To Be Asleep At The Wheel-to Rely Only On The Known, Familiar, And Automatized-is To Invite Disaster.

Some People Stand And Move As If They Have No Right To The Space They Occupy. They Wonder Why Others Often Fail To Treat Them With Respect-not Realizing That They Have Signaled Others That It Is Not Necessary To Treat Them With Respect.

Self Esteem Is The Reputation We Acquire With Ourselves.

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Your Choices Have Psychological Consequences. The Way You Choose To Deal With Reality, Truth, Facts - Your Choice To Honor Or Dishonor Your Own Perceptions - Registers In Your Mind, For Good Or For Bad, And Either Confirms And Strengthens Your Self-esteem Or Undermines And Weakens It.

The Real Basic Power Of An Individual Isn't What He Or She Knows; It's The Ability To Think And Learn And Face New Challenges.

If You Are Terrified Of Making Mistakes, You Will Be Reluctant To Acknowledge Them When You Do Make Them-and Therefore You Will Not Correct Them.

In The Nature Of Our Existence, We Must Act To Achieve Values. And In Order To Act Appropriately, We Need To Value The Beneficiary Of Our Actions. In Order To Seek Values, We Must Consider Ourselves Worthy Of Enjoying Them. In Order To Fight For Our Happiness, We Must Consider Ourselves Worthy Of Happiness.

I Believe That Earning Your Living Doing Something You Enjoy Is One Of The Very Best Ways To Nourish Yourself. But Even If You Are Employed At Something That Is Not Your Ideal Work, It Is Important To Find Ways To Take As Much Pleasure In It As Possible. Living In The Present Moment Can Make Ordinary Activities More Interesting And Joyful; You May Be Surprised, If You Only Look, At What You Will Find. If You Try To Stay Connected With Why You Are Doing What You Are Doing, For Example, Then Even The Parts Of Your Life That Aren't Especially Interesting Can Become More Meaningful.

The More You Surrender To The Fear Of Someone's Disapproval, The More You Lose Face In Your Own Eyes, And The More Desperate You Become For Someone's Approval. Within You Is A Void That Should Have Been Filled By Self-esteem. When You Attempt To Fill It With The Approval Of Others Instead, The Void Grows Deeper And The Hunger For Acceptance And Approval Grows Stronger. The Only Solution Is To Summon The Courage To Honor Your Own Judgment, Frightening Though That May Be In The Beginning.

Faith Is The Commitment Of One's Consciousness To Beliefs For Which One Has No Sensory Evidence Or Rational Proof. When Man Rejects Reason As His Standard Of Judgement, Only One Alternative Standard Remains To Him: His Feelings. A Mystic Is A Man Who Treats His Feelings As Tools Of Cognition. Faith Is The Equation Of Feelings With Knowledge

It Is Easy Enough To Say, Be True To Your Values. But What If Your Values Are Irrational? Or What If The Virtues You Have Committed Yourself To Are So Much Against Human Nature That They Cannot Be Practiced Consistently? Be Careful Of What You Accept As Your Code Of Morality. Think Carefully About Whether Its Tenets Serve Your Life And Well Being. Exercise Critical Judgment. Realize How Much Is At Stake-your Life, Your Happiness, Your Self-esteem.

If You Face Life Without Confidence In Your Own Powers, You Succumb Too Easily To Setbacks And Adversity; You Lack The Will To Persevere.

Taking On Responsibilities That Properly Belong To Someone Else Means Behaving Irresponsibly Toward Yourself. You Need To Know Where You End And Someone Else Begins. You Need To Understand Boundaries. You Need To Know What Is And Is Not Up To You, What Is And Is Not In Your Control, What Is And Is Not Your Responsibility.

As You Grow In Self-esteem, Your Face, Manner, Way Of Talking And Moving Will Tend Naturally To Project The Pleasure You Take In Being Alive.

For Children Mastery Entails Struggle. This Means They Must Be Permitted To Struggle. If Parents Inappropriately Step In To "help"-out Of Impatience Or Solicitude-they Sabotage Important Learning. Among Other Things, The Child Is Unlikely To Discover The Advantages Of Perseverance And Self-discipline.

Most Of The Time, I Regard The Judgment Of People As A Waste Of Time. I Regard The Judgment Of Behavior As Imperative.

A Woman In Love Will Do Almost Anything For A Man, Except Give Up The Desire To Improve Him.

What Is Guilt? It Is Moral Self-reproach-i Did Wrong When It Was Possible To Have Done Otherwise.

Anyone Who Really Loves You Wants You To Be Authentic. And Anyone Who Doesn't Want You To Be Authentic Doesn't Really Love You.

The Lies Most Devastating To Our Self-esteem Are Not So Much The Lies We Tell As The Lies We Live.

Accepting Does Not Necessarily Mean Liking, Enjoying, Condoning. I Can Accept What Is-and Be Determined To Evolve From There. It Is Not Acceptance But Denial That Leaves Me Stuck.

When We Bury Our Feelings, We Also Bury Ourselves. It Means We Exist In A State Of Alienation. We Rarely Know It, But We Are Lonely For Ourselves.

In A World In Which We Are Exposed To More Information, More Options, More Philosophies, More Perspectives Than Ever Before, In Which We Must Choose The Values By Which We Will Live (rather Than Unquestioningly Follow Some Tradition For No Better Reason Than That Our Own Parents Did), We Need To Be Willing To Stand On Our Own Judgment And Trust Our Own Intelligence-to Look At The World Through Our Own Eyes-to Chart Our Course And Think Through How To Achieve The Future We Want, To Commit Ourselves To Continuous Questioning And Learning-to Be, In A Word, Self-responsible.

I Have To Respect Other's Opinions Even If I Don't Agree With Them.

Respecting Others

Positive Self-esteem Operates As, In Effect, The Immune System Of The Consciousness, Providing Resistance, Strength, And A Capacity For Regeneration. When Self-esteem Is Low, Our Resilience In The Face Of Life's Adversities Is Diminished. We Crumble Before Vicissitudes That A Healthier Sense Of Self Could Vanquish. We Tend To Be More Influenced By The Desire To Avoid Pain Than To Experience Joy. Negatives Have More Power Over Us Than Positives.

The Natural Inclination Of A Child Is To Take Pleasure In The Use Of The Mind No Less Than Of The Body. The Child's Primary Business Is Learning. It Is Also The Primary Entertainment. To Retain That Orientation Into Adulthood, So That Consciousness Is Not A Burden But A Joy, Is The Mark Of The Successfully Developed Human Being.

If My Aim Is To Prove I Am 'enough,' The Project Goes On To Infinity-because The Battle Was Already Lost On The Day I Conceded The Issue Was Debatable.

The Practice Of Assertiveness: Being Authentic In Our Dealings With Others; Treating Our Values And Persons With Decent Respect In Social Contexts; Refusing To Fake The Reality Of Who We Are Or What We Esteem In Order To Avoid Disapproval; The Willingness To Stand Up For Ourselves And Our Ideas In Appropriate Ways In Appropriate Contexts.

Feel Deeply To Think Clearly.

It Is Naive To Think That Self-assertiveness Is Easy. To Live Self-assertively--which Means To Live Authentically--is An Act Of High Courage. That Is Why So Many People Spend The Better Part Of Their Lives In Hiding--from Others And Also From Themselves.

Living Consciously Reflects The Conviction That Sight Is Preferable To Blindness; That Respecting The Facts Of Reality Is More Satisfying Than Denying Them; That Evasion Does Not Make The Unreal Real Or The Real Unreal; That It Is Better To Correct Your Mistakes That To Pretend They Do Not Exist; And That The More Conscious You Are Of Facts Bearing On Your Life And Goals, The More Wisely And Effectively You Can Act.

It's Not That Achievements Prove Our Worth But Rather That The Process Of Achieving Is The Means By Which We Develop Our Effectiveness, Our Competence At Living.

If We Do Have Realistic Confidence In Our Mind And Value, If We Feel Secure Within Ourselves, We Tend To Experience The World As Open To Us And To Respond Appropriately To Challenges And Opportunities.

Either You Will Make Your Life Work, Or Your Life Will Not Work.

Sometimes The Subconscious Mind Manifests A Wisdom Several Steps Or Even Years Ahead Of The Conscious Mind, And Has Its Own Way Of Leading Us Toward Our Destiny.

In Any Culture, Subculture, Or Family In Which Belief Is Valued Above Thought, And Self-surrender Is Valued Above Self-expression, And Conformity Is Valued Above Integrity, Those Who Preserve Their Self-esteem Are Likely To Be Heroic Exceptions.

Stressing The Practice Of Living Purposefully As Essential To Fully Realized Self-esteem Is Not Equivalent To Measuring An Individual's Worth By His Or Her External Achievements. We Admire Achievements-in Ourselves And Others-and It Is Natural And Appropriate For Us To Do So. But That Is Not The Same Thing As Saying That Our Achievements Are The Measure Or Grounds Of Our Self-esteem. The Root Of Our Self-esteem Is Not Our Achievements But Those Internally Generated Practices That, Among Other Things, Make It Possible For Us To Achieve.

If You Choose Not To Live Self-responsibly, You Count On Others To Make Up Your Default. No One Abjures Self-responsibility On A Desert Island.

Your Life Is Important. Fight For It. Honour Your Highest Potentials.

To Accept Struggle As Part Of Life, To Accept All Of It, Even The Darkest Moments Of Anguish; To Be Motivated By Love Rather Than Fear, By Confidence Rather Than Insecurity: These Are The Benchmarks Of High Self-esteem. The Wish To Avoid Fear And Pain Is Not The Motive That Drives The Lives Of Highly Evolved Men And Women; Rather, It Is The Life Force Within Them, Thrusting Toward Its Unique Form Of Expression-the Actualization Of Personal Values.

To Exist Without Purpose Is To Be At The Mercy Of The Chance Encounter, The Chance Invitation, The Chance Phone Call, The Chance Event- Always Being Controlled By Forces External To Oneself.

We Are Anxious When There Is A Dissonance Between Our "knowledge" And The Perceivable Facts. Since Our "knowledge" Is Not To Be Doubted Or Questioned, It Is The Facts That Have To Be Altered.

Most Of Us Are Taught From An Early Age To Pay Far More Attention To Signals Coming From Other People Than From Within. We Are Encouraged To Ignore Our Own Needs And Wants And To Concentrate On Living Up To Others Expectations.

In A World In Which The Total Of Human Knowledge Is Doubling About Every Ten Years, Our Security Can Rest Only On Our Ability To Learn

The Tragedy Of Too Many People Is That They Cannot Allow Happiness Just To Be There; They Cannot Leave It Alone. Their Sense Of Who They Are And Of What Their Destiny Is Cannot Accommodate Happiness. So They Are Drive To Find Ways To Sabotage It.

We Tend To Feel Most Comfortable, "most At Home", With People Whose Self Esteem Level Resembles Our Own.

The Desire For Self-esteem Without Integrity Is Like The Desire For Wealth Without Effort-a Longing For The Unearned.

Persons Of High Self-esteem Are Not Driven To Make Themselves Superior To Others; They Do Not Seek To Prove Their Value By Measuring Themselves Against A Comparative Standard. Their Joy Is Being Who They Are, Not In Being Better Than Someone Else.

Whether In The Workplace Or In Personal Relationships, Success Belongs To Those Who Are Willing To Take Responsibility For Attaining Their Desires-those Who Respond To Life Actively Rather Than Passively.

When You Are Frightened, You Typically Pull Energy In To Your Center, Seeing Less, Hearing Less-shrinking Consciousness Precisely When You Need To Expand It.

How Do We Nurture The Soul? By Revering Our Own Life. By Learning To Love It All, Not Only The Joys And The Victories, But Also The Pain And The Struggles.

To Live Consciously Means To Seek To Be Aware Of Everything That Bears On Our Actions, Purposes, Values, And Goals—to The Best Of Our Ability, Whatever That Ability May Be—and To Behave In Accordance With That Which We See And Know.

One Of The Most Significant Characteristics Of Healthy Self Esteem Is That It Is The State Of One Who Is Not At War Either With Himself Or With Others.

Even When Our Life Is Most Difficult, It Is Important To Remember That Something Within Us Is Keeping Us Alive- The Life Force-that Lift Us, Energizes Us, Pulls Us Back Sometimes From The Abyss Of Despair. True Spirituality Does Not Exist Without Love Of Life.

We Do Not Hear The Term Compassionate Applied To Business Executives Or Entrepreneurs, Certainly Not When They Are Engaged In Their Normal Work. Yet In Terms Of Results In The Measurable Form Of Jobs Created, Lives Enriched, Communities Built, Living Standards Raised, And Poverty Healed, A Handful Of Capitalists Has Done Infinitely More For Mankind Than All The Self-serving Politicians, Academics, Social Workers, And Religionists Who March Under The Banner Of Compassion.

One Of The Characteristics Of Love Relationships That Flower Is A Relatively High Degree Of Mutual Self-disclosure - A Willingness To Let Our Partner Enter Into The Interior Of Our Private World And A Genuine Interest In The Private World Of That Partner. Couples In Love Tend To Show More Of Themselves To Each Other Than To Any Other Person.

You Have A Right To Your Feelings. Your Feelings Are There To Tell You Something, But They Are Not Infallible Guides To Behavior.

Your Life Is Important. Whether You Achieve What You Want In Life Matters. Whether You Are Happy Matters. Honor And Fight For Your Highest Potential. Self-realizatio N-the Realization Of The Best Within You-is The Noblest Goal Of Your Existence.

The Policy Of Seeking Values From Human Beings By Means Of Force, When Practiced By An Individual, Is Called Crime. When Practiced By A Government, It Is Called Statism.

Capitalism, By Its Nature, Entails A Constant Process Of Motion, Growth And Progress.

Out Of Fear, Out Of The Desire For Approval, Out Of The Misguided Notions Of Duty, People Surrender Themselves-their Convictions And Their Aspirations-every Day. There Is Nothing Noble About It. It Takes Far More Courage To Fight For Your Values Than To Relinquish Them.

Suppose You Feel You Cannot Accept Some Fact About Yourself. Then Own Your Refusal To Accept. Own The Block. Embrace It Fully. And Watch It Begin To Disappear. The Principal Is This: Begin Where You Are-accept That. Then Change And Growth Become Possible.

A Commitment To Lifelong Learning Is A Natural Expression Of The Practice Of Living Consciously.

There Is Overwhelming Evidence That The Higher The Level Of Self-esteem, The More Likely One Will Be To Treat Others With Respect, Kindness, And Generosity.

When People Are Not Accepting Toward Themselves They Are Often Obsessed With Acceptance By Others.

Of All The Judgments We Pass In Life, None Is More Important Than The Judgment We Pass On Ourselves.

Self Confidence

No One Is Coming To Save You.

If You Are An Adult, You Are Responsible For Your Life And Well-being. No One Owes You The Fulfillment Of Your Needs Or Wants; No One Is Here On Earth To Serve You. If You Respect The Principle Of Self-ownership, You Understand That No One Else Owns You And That You Do Not Own Anyone Else. Only On This Understanding Can There Be Peace On Earth And Good Will Among Human Beings.

Loving Consciously Does Not Mean Subjecting Your Relationship To Endless Analysis. It Means Something Much Simpler: Paying Attention. Noticing. This Requires Presence.

Productive Achievement Is A Consequence And An Expression Of Health And Self-esteem, Not Its Cause.

Self-respecting Men And Women Think About The Consequences Of Their Actions-and Are Willing To Take Responsibility For Them.

Individualism Is At Once An Ethical-psychological Concept And An Ethical-political One. As An Ethical-psychological Concept, Individualism Holds That A Human Being Should Think And Judge Independently, Respecting Nothing More Than The Sovereignty Of His Or Her Mind; Thus, It Is Intimately Connected With The Concept Of Autonomy. As An Ethical-political Concept, Individualism Upholds The Supremacy Of Individual Rights

To Attain "success" Without Attaining Positive Self-esteem Is To Be Condemned To Feeling Like An Imposter Anxiously Awaiting Exposure.

High Self Esteem People Can Surely Be Knocked Down By An Excess Of Troubles, But They Are Quickerto Pick Themselves Up Again.

The Feeling That "i Am Enough" Does Not Mean That I Have Nothing To Learn, Nothing Further To Achieve, And Nowhere To Grow To. It Means That I Accept Myself, That I Am Not On Trial In My Own Eyes, That I Value And Respect Myself. This Is Not An Act Of Indulgence But Of Courage.

Be Careful What You Say To Your Children. They May Agree With You.

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