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Would You Believe That I Once Entered A Beauty Contest? I Must Have Been Out Of My Mind. I Not Only Came In Last, I Got 361 Get-well Cards.

-Phyllis Diller

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Would You Believe That

Phyllis Diller

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Would You Believe That I Once Entered A Beauty Contest? I Must Have Been Out Of My Mind. I Not Only Came In Last, I Got 361 Get-well Cards.

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Our Dog Died From Licking Our Wedding Picture.

My Sister Was So Promiscuous She Broke Her Ankle In The Glove Compartment Of A Car.

Your Husband Is Lazy If Coffee Doesn't Keep Him Awake - Even When It's Hot And Being Spilled On Him.

Never Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up And Fight.

You Know You're Old If They Have Discontinued Your Blood Type.

When Buying A New House ... Buy The House Far Enough Away From School So Your Kids Can't Come Home For Lunch.

Get Married With The Feeling It Is Going To Last. Not Like The Bride I Know Who Doubled The Wedding Cake Recipe And Froze One.

It Took Me Three Weeks To Stuff The Turkey. I Stuffed It Through The Beak.

You Want To Look Younger... Rent Smaller Children.

I Still Take The Pill. I Don't Want Any More Grandchildren.

I'm Eighteen Years Behind In My Ironing.

If Your House Is Really A Mess And A Stranger Comes To The Door Greet Him With, 'who Could Have Done This? We Have No Enemies!'

I Remember Once A Vocational Director Said To Fang, "you Must Develop Some Mechanical Skills - Like Getting Out Of Bed."

I Wanted To Become Me, Totally Me. The More Me, The Better. I Instinctively Knew This And I Was Right.

Remember, Only A Policeman Is Allowed To Express Himself On An Expressway.

I'm The Only Woman Who Can Walk In Central Park At Night... And Reduce The Crime Rate.

Do I Believe In Witchcraft? I'm The Result Of It.

I'm At An Age When My Back Goes Out More Than I Do.

Funny Relationship

A Terrible Thing Happened To Me Last Night Again—nothing.

Old Age Is When The Liver Spots Show Through Your Gloves.

His Finest Hour Lasted A Minute And A Half.

Think Of Me As A Sex Symbol For The Men Who Don't Give A Damn.

My Recipe For Dealing With Anger And Frustration: Set The Kitchen Timer For Twenty Minutes, Cry, Rant, And Rave, And At The Sound Of The Bell, Simmer Down And Go About Business As Usual.

I Realize It Is Normal To Argue. I Almost Missed World War Ii Watching My Parents Fight.

Remember There Is No Way You Can Give The Father Custody Of The Children Without Getting A Divorce.

The Doctor Looked My Body Over. I Said: Is There Any Hope? He Said: Yes. Reincarnation.

My Idea Of Exercise Is A Good Brisk Sit.

The Real Reason Your Pro Tells You To Keep Your Head Down Is So You Can't See Him Laughing At You.

Tranquilizers Work Only If You Follow The Advice On The Bottle - Keep Away From Children.

The Last Thing My Kids Ever Did To Earn Money Was Lose Their Baby Teeth.

I Met My Husband When A Friend Sent Him Over To My House To Cure My Hiccoughs.

I Am Constantly Being Asked About Individuals. The Only Way To Win Is As A Team. Football Is Not About One Or Two Or Three Star Players.

When I Go To Bed At Night, I've Got So Much Grease On My Body I Wear Snow Chains To Hold Up My Gown.

Cleaning Your House While Your Kids Are Still Growing Up Is Like Shoveling The Walk Before It Stops Snowing.

Do Not Taste Food While You're Cooking. You May Lose Your Nerve To Serve It.

No Matter What Time Your Guests Arrive, Pretend They're Early, So Naturally You're Not Ready.

Fang And I Are Always Fighting. When We Get Up In The Morning, We Don't Kiss; We Touch Gloves.

I Should Have Suspected My Husband Was Lazy. On Our Wedding Day, His Mother Told Me: "i'm Not Losing A Son; I'm Gaining A Couch."

I've Tried Buddhism, Scientology, Numerology, Transcendental Meditation, Qabbala, T'ai Chi, Feng Shui And Deepak Chopra But I Find Straight Gin Works Best.

Next To Gold And Jewelry, Health Is The Most Important Thing You Can Have.

If Your Husband Wants To Lick The Beaters On The Mixer, Shut Them Off Before You Give Them To Him.

Never Go To Bed Mad. Stay Up And Fight.

I Hate Smart Sales Clerks. I Said To One, What Do You Have In Lingerie? She Says, More Than You'll Ever Have!

Once Fang Took Pep Pills And They Worked - The Only Time He Ever Ran To Bed.

My Photographs Don't Do Me Justice - They Just Look Like Me.

A Bachelor Is A Guy Who Never Made The Same Mistake Once.

Most Children Threaten At Times To Run Away From Home. This Is The Only Thing That Keeps Some Parents Going.

Choose A Checked Or Striped Wall Paper. People Will Be Halfway Home Before They Are Able To Focus.

You Know What Keeps Me Humble? Mirrors!

When I Go To The Beach, Even The Tide Won't Come In.

How Do You Know They're Growing Up? Well, The Bite Marks Are Higher.

I Became A Stand-up Comedienne Because I Had A Sit-down Husband.

I Buried A Lot Of My Ironing In The Back Yard.

You've Got To Realize That When All Goes Well, And Everything Is Beautiful, You Have No Comedy. It's When Somebody Steps On The Bride's Train, Or Belches During The Ceremony That You've Got Comedy!

I Never Made `who's Who,' But I'm Featured In `what's That?'

Any Time Three New Yorkers Get Into A Cab Without An Argument, A Bank Has Just Been Robbed.

I'm Eighteen Years Behind In My Ironing. There's No Use Doing It Now, It Doesn't Fit Anybody I Know.

My Husband Is So Useless That It's Hard For Me To Be Romantic With Him. I Get Down On The Floor And Say, If You Love Me, Blink Your Eyes.

Everybody Knows How Much Time Fang Spends In Bed. A Local Store That Gives A 30 Days' Trial On Mattresses Gives Fang Only 15 Days.

Whatever You May Look Like, Marry A Man Your Own Age - As Your Beauty Fades, So Will His Eyesight.

My Eight-year-old Bought A Bicycle With The Money He Saved By Not Smoking.

Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

My Own Laugh Is The Real Thing And I've Had It All My Life.

What I Don't Like About Office Christmas Parties Is Looking For A Job The Next Day.

Fang Took The Entire Family Out For Coffee And Donuts The Other Night. The Kids Enjoyed It. It Was The First Time They'd Ever Given Blood.

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.

Never Refer To Your Wedding Night As The Original Amateur Hour.

Actually, I Comb My Hair Quite Often. Of Course, I Use An Electric Toothbrush.

My Mother Hated Me. Once She Took Me To An Orphanage And Told Me To Mingle

My Mother-in-law Must Be The Probation Officer I Got For The Crime I Committed Of Marrying My Husband.

Some Wives Have Model Husbands, I Got One That Needed Remodeling.

My Plastic Surgeon ... Said My Face Looked Like A Bouquet Of Elbows.

Just The Other Day I Said To Fang, "don't You Think We've Got A Storybook Romance?" And He Said, "yes, And Every Page Is Ripped.

I've Been Asked To Say A Couple Of Words About My Husband, Fang. How About Short And Cheap?

This Woman Goes Into A Gun Shop And Says, 'i Want To Buy A Gun For My Husband.' The Clerk Says, 'did He Tell You What Kind Of Gun?' 'no,' She Replied. 'he Doesn't Even Know I'm Going To Shoot Him.

I Am Descended From A Very Long Line My Mother Once Foolishly Listened To.

When I Go To The Beauty Parlor, I Always Use The Emergency Entrance. Sometimes I Just Go For An Estimate.

Fang Can't Stand To See Trash & Garbage Lying Around The House. He Can't Stand The Competition.

Self-pity Is Better Than None.

We Have Far Too Many Kids. At One Time In The Playpen There Was Standing-room Only. It Looked Like A Bus Stop For Midgets. It Used To Get So Damp In There, We'd Have A Rainbow Above It.

Your Husband Is Lazy If When He Leaves The House, He Finds Out Which Way The Wind Is Blowing And Goes That Direction.

A Stand-up Comic Is Judged By Every Line. Singers Get Applause At The End Of Their Song No Matter How Bad They Are.

For Fang, Getting Out Of Bed In The Morning Is A Career Move.

Have The Man At The Station Put The Air In The Tires. I Did It Once Myself. Have You Ever Seen A Car With A Limp?

Aim High, And You Won't Shoot Your Foot Off.

I Honestly Believe There Is Absolutely Nothing Like Going To Bed With A Good #book; Or A Friend Who's #read One.

I Finally Had A Ship Tattooed To My Chest. I Wanted Something On It.

There's So Little Money In My Bank Account, My Scenic Checks Show A Ghetto.

This Woman Was So Cross-eyed. She Can Go To A Tennis Match And Never Move Her Head.

You Can Say The Nastiest Things About Yourself Without Offending Anyone.

Before You Get Married You Should Meet Your Fiance's Parents. It Is Not Enough That You Like His Parole Officer.

All Mothers Are Working Mothers.

Every Time I Go Near The Stove, The Dog Howls.

I'm Beginning To Have Morning Sickness. I'm Not Having A Baby, I'm Just Sick Of Morning.

I Have Nothing Against Dogs. I Just Hate Rugs That Go Squish-squish.

The Last Thing I'd Learn, Well Into My Career, Was How To Get On, How To Say Hello, How To Get In With The Audience.

You Know You're Old When Someone Compliments You On Your Alligator Shoes, And You're Barefoot.

Compliments You

My Husband Always Felt That A Marriage And Career Don't Mix. That's Why He's Never Worked.

One [expert] Said, 'always Have A Baby Sitter Who Is Acquainted With Your Children.' If They Were Acquainted With My Children, They Wouldn't Sit!

The Best Contraceptive For Old People Is Nudity.

I'd Love To Slit My Mother-in-law's Corsets And Watch Her Spread To Death.

I Asked My Hairdresser What Would Look Good On Me. She Says A Los Angeles Rams Football Helmet.

Too Many Comics Today Ramble. By The Time They Get To The Punch Line, The Audience Has Either Gone To Sleep, Gone To The Bathroom Or Gone To Bed.

Maybe It's True That Life Begins At Fifty. But Everything Else Starts To Wear Out, Fall Out, Or Spread Out.

I Will Never Give Up. I Am In My 14th Year Of A 10-day Beauty Plan.

I Will Never Give Up

Remarrying A Husband You've Divorced Is Like Having Your Appendix Put Back In.

He Has So Many Muscles He Has To Make An Appointment To Move His Fingers.

I Asked The Waiter, 'is This Milk Fresh?' He Said, 'lady, Three Hours Ago It Was Grass.'

There Isn't Any (afterlife), You Dingbat! This Is It, Baby! Enjoy, Carefully! Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion And I Can't Buy Any Of It. So God Made Man In His Own Image? It's Just The Other Way Around. Man Made God In His Own Image. It's All About Money.

By Far The Most Common Craving Of Pregnant Women Is Not To Be Pregnant.

We Californians Are Constantly Accused Of Not Having Seasons, But We Do. We Have Fire, Flood, Mud, And Drought.

My Husband Is So Cheap. On Christmas Eve, He Fires One Shot And Tells The Kids Santa Committed Suicide.

If It Weren't For Baseball, Many Kids Wouldn't Know What A Millionaire Looked Like.

I Spent Seven Hours In A Beauty Shop... And That Was For The Estimate.

A Friend Told Me The Longer You Keep Romano Cheese, The Better It Gets. So, I Kept It Three Years. And This Thing Turned Mean. Now And Then I'd Open The Refrigerator Door And Throw It Some Food. I'd Have To Walk It Now And Then. And Then It Grew This One Leg. And It's Got This Ugly Fuzz All Over It. And The Dogs Won't Run With It.

It's True Fang And I Fight, But We've Never Gone To Bed Mad. Of Course, One Year We Were Up For Three Months.

Tennis Is Like Marrying For Money. Love Means Nothing.

We Spend The First Twelve Months Of Our Children's Lives Teaching Them To Walk And Talk And The Next Twelve Telling Them To Sit Down And Shut Up.

Your Husband Is Lazy If The Directions On His Medicine Say, "a Teaspoon Before Going To Bed," And In One Day He Uses Seven Bottles.

I'm From Such An Old Family, It's Been Condemned.

My Timing Is So Precise, A Heckler Would Have To Make An Appointment Just To Get A Word In.

Housework Can't Kill You, But Why Take A Chance?

My Cooking Is So Bad My Kids Thought Thanksgiving Was To Commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Would You Believe That I Once Entered A Beauty Contest? I Must Have Been Out Of My Mind. I Not Only Came In Last, I Got 361 Get-well Cards.

Becoming A Comedienne Was My Way Of Adjusting To Puberty.

To Get A Roaster Clean, Send Something Like Baked Apples In It To A Neighbor. Neighbors Always Return Pans Spotless, And You Won't Have To Use A Blow Torch On It Like You Usually Do.

Just Because I Have Rice On My Clothes Doesn't Mean I've Been To A Wedding. A Chinese Man Threw Up On Me.

Burt Reynolds Once Asked Me Out. I Was In His Room.

I'm Looking For A Perfume To Overpower Men - I'm Sick Of Karate.

We Named All Our Children Kid. Well, They Have Different First Names, Like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

If My Jeans Could Talk, They'd Plead For Mercy.

Your Husband Drinks Too Much If He Says He Never Drinks Alone, But Considers The Goldfish Somebody.

A Smile Is A Curve That Sets Everything Straight.

Women Want Men, Careers, Money, Children, Friends, Luxury, Comfort, Independence, Freedom, Respect, Love, And A Three-dollar Pantyhose That Won't Run.

It's A Certain Kind Of Immortality, Because Those Disney Films Do Go On And On And On.

It Would Seem That Something Which Means Poverty, Disorder And Violence Every Single Day Should Be Avoided Entirely, But The Desire To Beget Children Is A Natural Urge.

[when To Have A Facelift:] If You're Tripping Over Your Neck.

I Serve Dinner In Three Phases: Serve The Food, Clear The Table, Bury The Dead.

Keep At Least One Window Pane Clean To Check The Weather. Once When I Didn't Do This I Sent The Kids Off With Umbrellas For Six Weeks Straight.

They Always Say To Californians That We Don't Have Seasons. Of Course, That Is Not True. We Have Fire, Flood, Mud And Drought.

Right From The Start My Parents Had Left Me To Fend For Myself. Apparently Unaware That I Was A Kid, They Invariably Treated Me Like An Adult, Perhaps Because They Themselves Were No Spring Chickens.

My Father Used To Call Me The Laughing Hyena.

Absolutely Nothing Was Happening In My Marriage. I Nicknamed My Waterbed, Lake Placid!

Absolutely Nothing

Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion, And I Can't Buy Any Of It.

A Passport Picture Is A Photo Of A Man That He Can Laugh At Without Realizing That It Looks Exactly The Way His Friends See Him.

Let Me Tell You, A Discussion That Starts, 'i'll Tell You Something You Do That Irritates Me, If You Tell Me Something I Do That Bothers You,' Never Ends In A Hug And A Kiss.

If You Don't Have Wrinkles, You Haven't Laughed Enough.

Funny Inspirational

Doctors Say It's Okay To Have Sex After A Heart Attack, Provided You Close The Ambulance Door.

I Was The World's Ugliest Baby. I Have Photos Of My Folks Leaving The Hospital With Sacks Over Their Heads... I Asked My Mother How To Turn Off The Electric Fan. She Said 'grab The Blade!

Everybody Knows How Lazy He Is. One Day The Neighbors Saw Fang Mow The Lawn And I Got Three Get Well Cards.

Life Is A Do-it-yourself Kit, So Do It Yourself. Work. Practice.

I Don't Know How You Feel About Old Age... But In My Case I Didn't Even See It Coming. It Hit Me From The Rear.

Most People Get An Appointment At A Beauty Parlor... I Was Committed!

I Want My Children To Have All The Things I Couldn't Afford. Then I Want To Move In With Them.

I'm The Woman Who Used To Think That Middle-age Spread Was A Cocktail Dip.

If I Wore A Peek-a-boo Dress, It Would Be Like Turning In A False Alarm.

When You Hire A Person To Plan Your Wedding, This Does Not Include Securing The Groom. Plan To Get Married On Friday The 13th. In Years To Come This Will Make It Much Easier To Explain Why Things Turned Out Badly. To Look Beautiful At Your Wedding, Take Time To Plan It. It Took Me A Long Time To Find Two Ugly Bridesmaids And A Frumpy Little Flower Girl.

If It Weren't For My Adam's Apple, I'd Have No Shape At All.

My Mother-in-law Buys Her Coats In A Carper Shop. She Wears A 9x12.

I Got My First Laugh When My Mother Entered Me In A Baby Contest.

Oh, That Dog! Ever Hear Of A German Shepherd That Bites Its Nails? Barks With A Lisp? You Say, "attack!" And He Has One. All He Does Is Piddle. He's Nothing But A Fur-covered Kidney That Barks.

The Constants All Through The Centuries Will Be The Same; Wine, Women And Song. Other Than That, Life Will Be Very Different Technologically. In The Year 3000 The Universe Will Be Expanding As It Will Forever, Infinitely. We Will Probe Outer Space But Never Find Life As Evolutionized As Ours. We Were Not Created By A Deity. We Created The Deity In Our Image. Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

It's An Ill Will That Blows When You Leave The Hairdresser.

... If They [your Children] Write Their Names In The Dust On The Furniture, Don't Let Them Put The Year.

I Once Wore A Peekaboo Blouse. People Would Peek And Then They’d Boo.

You Know You're Old When Your Walker Has An Airbag.

On The Way To The Delivery Room, I Almost Changed My Mind About Having A Baby. I Wouldn't Have Found It So Hard To Go Ahead With It If I Had Realized That Having A Baby Was The Only Way I Could Ever Become A Grandmother.

They Just Elected Me Mis Phonograph Record Of 1966. They Discovered My Measurements Were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

Best Way To Get Rid Of Kitchen Odors: Eat Out.

My Body's In Such Bad Shape I Wear Prescription Underwear.

Once My Husband Said To Me, 'i'm Going To Have Some Coffee. Do You Want Me To Put Some Hot Water On For You?' I Thought That Was The Least He Could Do Considering I Was Giving Birth.

Christmas Is A Time When Everybody Wants His Past Forgotten And His Present Remembered.

The Reason I'm Not An Alcoholic Is I Don't Like To Drink In Front Of The Kids . . . And When You're Away From Them, Who Needs It?.

Comedy Is Tragedy Revisited.

Mothers-in-law Do Not Make Good House Pets. Once I Had The Most Wonderful Dream -- I Dreamed That Mothers-in-law Cost Money And I Couldn't Afford One.

Always Be Nice To Your Children Because They Are The Ones Who Will Choose Your Rest Home.

Funny Inspirational

Isn't My Fur Stole Pitiful? How Unsuccessful Can A Girl Look? People Think I'm Wearing Anchovies. The Worst Of It Is, I Trapped These Under My Own Sink.

My Mother-in-law Had A Pain Beneath Her Left Breast. Turned Out To Be A Trick Knee.

I Was In A Beauty Contest Once. I Not Only Came In Last, I Was Hit In The Mouth By Miss Congeniality.

The Reason Women Don't Play Football Is Because 11 Of Them Would Never Wear The Same Outfit In Public.

Motivational Sports

The Only Parts Left Of My Original Body Are My Elbows.

Carry An Oar When You Drive. Three Times I've Ended Up In Water.

When I Was A Kid And We Used To Play Post Office, I Was The Dead Letter Office.

It's A Good Thing That Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, Or I'd Be Rotten To The Core.

My Sister-in-law Is So Skinny That She Has A Striped Dress With Only One Stripe.

The Only Time I Ever Enjoyed Ironing Was The Day I Accidentally Got Gin In The Steam Iron.

My House Used To Be Haunted, But The Ghosts Haven't Been Back Since The Night I Tried On All My Wigs.

It's Hard To Find A Negligee In My Size. I Wear A Junior Mister.

I Don’t Want To Sound Like I’m On Dope, But That Hour Is A High; It’s As Good As You Can Feel. A Wonderful, Wonderful Happiness, And Great Power.

Sex Is Identical To Comedy In That It Involves Timing.

I Was The World's Ugliest Baby. When I Was Born, The Doctor Slapped Everybody.

I Don't Like To Cook. I Can Make A Tv Dinner Taste Like Radio.

This Man I Was Going With Asked Me For My Finger Measurements. I Thought He Was Going To Buy Me A Ring For Christmas, But He Gave Me A Bowling Ball.

I Like To Serve Chocolate Cake, Because It Doesn't Show The Dirt.

Have You Ever Known Anyone Who Bought A Fruitcake For Himself? Of Course Not. They Are Purchased As Christmas Gifts, Mostly For People You Don't Particularly Like.

My Doctor Is A Family Physician. He Treats My Family And I Support His.

Nothing Was Happening In The Bedroom. I Nicknamed Our Waterbed The Dead Sea.

All I Ever Learned At My Mother's Knee Was What A Bony Knee Looked Like.

The Only Thing My Husband And I Have In Common Is That We Were Married On The Same Day.

Health - What My Friends Are Always Drinking To Before They Fall Down.

Falling In Love

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