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Get Married With The Feeling It Is Going To Last. Not Like The Bride I Know Who Doubled The Wedding Cake Recipe And Froze One.

-Phyllis Diller

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Get Married With The

Phyllis Diller

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Get Married With The Feeling It Is Going To Last. Not Like The Bride I Know Who Doubled The Wedding Cake Recipe And Froze One.

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Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion, And I Can't Buy Any Of It.

In Most States You Can Get A Driver's License When You're Sixteen Years Old, Which Made A Lot Of Sense To Me When I Was Sixteen Years Old But Now Seems Insane.

Do Not Taste Food While You're Cooking. You May Lose Your Nerve To Serve It.

My Doctor Is A Family Physician. He Treats My Family And I Support His.

I Don't Like To Cook. I Can Make A Tv Dinner Taste Like Radio.

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Like All Good Ruins, I Look Better By Moonlight.

Christmas Is A Time When Everybody Wants His Past Forgotten And His Present Remembered.

When I Go To The Beauty Parlor, I Always Use The Emergency Entrance. Sometimes I Just Go For An Estimate.

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The Last Thing I'd Learn, Well Into My Career, Was How To Get On, How To Say Hello, How To Get In With The Audience.

I Was The World's Ugliest Baby. When I Was Born, The Doctor Slapped Everybody.

Nothing Was Happening In The Bedroom. I Nicknamed Our Waterbed The Dead Sea.

A Smile Is A Curve That Sets Everything Straight.

Tennis Is Like Marrying For Money. Love Means Nothing.

Once My Husband Said To Me, 'i'm Going To Have Some Coffee. Do You Want Me To Put Some Hot Water On For You?' I Thought That Was The Least He Could Do Considering I Was Giving Birth.

I Hate Smart Sales Clerks. I Said To One, What Do You Have In Lingerie? She Says, More Than You'll Ever Have!

My Own Laugh Is The Real Thing And I've Had It All My Life.

My Mother-in-law Buys Her Coats In A Carper Shop. She Wears A 9x12.

I Finally Had A Ship Tattooed To My Chest. I Wanted Something On It.

I'm The Woman Who Used To Think That Middle-age Spread Was A Cocktail Dip.

Remarrying A Husband You've Divorced Is Like Having Your Appendix Put Back In.

We Spend The First Twelve Months Of Our Children's Lives Teaching Them To Walk And Talk And The Next Twelve Telling Them To Sit Down And Shut Up.

Health - What My Friends Are Always Drinking To Before They Fall Down.

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I Remember Once A Vocational Director Said To Fang, "you Must Develop Some Mechanical Skills - Like Getting Out Of Bed."

Tennis Is Like Marrying For Money. Love Has Nothing To Do With It.

Let Me Tell You, A Discussion That Starts, 'i'll Tell You Something You Do That Irritates Me, If You Tell Me Something I Do That Bothers You,' Never Ends In A Hug And A Kiss.

Cleaning Your House While Your Kids Are Still Growing Up Is Like Shoveling The Walk Before It Stops Snowing.

Doctors Say It's Okay To Have Sex After A Heart Attack, Provided You Close The Ambulance Door.

I'm From Such An Old Family, It's Been Condemned.

I'm Beginning To Have Morning Sickness. I'm Not Having A Baby, I'm Just Sick Of Morning.

The Reason I'm Not An Alcoholic Is I Don't Like To Drink In Front Of The Kids . . . And When You're Away From Them, Who Needs It?.

Do I Believe In Witchcraft? I'm The Result Of It.

To Get A Roaster Clean, Send Something Like Baked Apples In It To A Neighbor. Neighbors Always Return Pans Spotless, And You Won't Have To Use A Blow Torch On It Like You Usually Do.

It's True Fang And I Fight, But We've Never Gone To Bed Mad. Of Course, One Year We Were Up For Three Months.

I Never Made `who's Who,' But I'm Featured In `what's That?'

When I Go To The Beach, My Grandchildren Try To Make Words Out Of The Veins In My Legs. That's Why I Still Take The Pill; I Don't Want Any More Grandchildren.

There Isn't Any (afterlife), You Dingbat! This Is It, Baby! Enjoy, Carefully! Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion And I Can't Buy Any Of It. So God Made Man In His Own Image? It's Just The Other Way Around. Man Made God In His Own Image. It's All About Money.

I Buried A Lot Of My Ironing In The Back Yard.

Maybe It's True That Life Begins At Fifty. But Everything Else Starts To Wear Out, Fall Out, Or Spread Out.

The Reason Women Don't Play Football Is Because 11 Of Them Would Never Wear The Same Outfit In Public.

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I'm Eighteen Years Behind In My Ironing. There's No Use Doing It Now, It Doesn't Fit Anybody I Know.

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I Serve Dinner In Three Phases: Serve The Food, Clear The Table, Bury The Dead.

Old Age Is When The Liver Spots Show Through Your Gloves.

My Husband Is So Cheap. On Christmas Eve, He Fires One Shot And Tells The Kids Santa Committed Suicide.

I Should Have Suspected My Husband Was Lazy. On Our Wedding Day, His Mother Told Me: "i'm Not Losing A Son; I'm Gaining A Couch."

The Only Time I Ever Enjoyed Ironing Was The Day I Accidentally Got Gin In The Steam Iron.

My Sister Was So Promiscuous She Broke Her Ankle In The Glove Compartment Of A Car.

A Terrible Thing Happened To Me Last Night Again—nothing.

My Body's In Such Bad Shape I Wear Prescription Underwear.

If Your Husband Wants To Lick The Beaters On The Mixer, Shut Them Off Before You Give Them To Him.

I Love To Go To The Doctor. Where Else Would A Man Look At Me And Say, 'take Off Your Clothes'?

Too Many Comics Today Ramble. By The Time They Get To The Punch Line, The Audience Has Either Gone To Sleep, Gone To The Bathroom Or Gone To Bed.

We Named All Our Children Kid. Well, They Have Different First Names, Like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

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When I Go To The Beach, Even The Tide Won't Come In.

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