Background Image

...

The Constants All Through The Centuries Will Be The Same; Wine, Women And Song. Other Than That, Life Will Be Very Different Technologically. In The Year 3000 The Universe Will Be Expanding As It Will Forever, Infinitely. We Will Probe Outer Space But Never Find Life As Evolutionized As Ours. We Were Not Created By A Deity. We Created The Deity In Our Image. Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

-Phyllis Diller

...

Please Wait....
Translating....

The Constants All Through

Phyllis Diller

...

The Constants All Through The Centuries Will Be The Same; Wine, Women And Song. Other Than That, Life Will Be Very Different Technologically. In The Year 3000 The Universe Will Be Expanding As It Will Forever, Infinitely. We Will Probe Outer Space But Never Find Life As Evolutionized As Ours. We Were Not Created By A Deity. We Created The Deity In Our Image. Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

Views: 5799

Topic

More From Phyllis Diller

We Have Far Too Many Kids. At One Time In The Playpen There Was Standing-room Only. It Looked Like A Bus Stop For Midgets. It Used To Get So Damp In There, We'd Have A Rainbow Above It.

My Body's In Such Bad Shape I Wear Prescription Underwear.

I'm Looking For A Perfume To Overpower Men - I'm Sick Of Karate.

I Hate Smart Sales Clerks. I Said To One, What Do You Have In Lingerie? She Says, More Than You'll Ever Have!

I'm The Only Woman Who Can Walk In Central Park At Night... And Reduce The Crime Rate.

My Sister-in-law Is So Skinny That She Has A Striped Dress With Only One Stripe.

Actually, I Comb My Hair Quite Often. Of Course, I Use An Electric Toothbrush.

Tennis Is Like Marrying For Money. Love Means Nothing.

Fang And I Are Always Fighting. When We Get Up In The Morning, We Don't Kiss; We Touch Gloves.

There's Such A Buildup Of Crud In My Oven, There's Only Room To Bake A Single Cupcake.

How Do You Know They're Growing Up? Well, The Bite Marks Are Higher.

I'm From Such An Old Family, It's Been Condemned.

Christmas Is A Time When Everybody Wants His Past Forgotten And His Present Remembered.

You Know You're Old If They Have Discontinued Your Blood Type.

I'm The Woman Who Used To Think That Middle-age Spread Was A Cocktail Dip.

Too Many Comics Today Ramble. By The Time They Get To The Punch Line, The Audience Has Either Gone To Sleep, Gone To The Bathroom Or Gone To Bed.

I'm Eighteen Years Behind In My Ironing. There's No Use Doing It Now, It Doesn't Fit Anybody I Know.

Just The Other Day I Said To Fang, "don't You Think We've Got A Storybook Romance?" And He Said, "yes, And Every Page Is Ripped.

I Don’t Want To Sound Like I’m On Dope, But That Hour Is A High; It’s As Good As You Can Feel. A Wonderful, Wonderful Happiness, And Great Power.

Once Fang Took Pep Pills And They Worked - The Only Time He Ever Ran To Bed.

Fang Can't Stand To See Trash & Garbage Lying Around The House. He Can't Stand The Competition.

Tennis Is Like Marrying For Money. Love Has Nothing To Do With It.

My Sister Was So Promiscuous She Broke Her Ankle In The Glove Compartment Of A Car.

I Always Wondered How I Could Tell When The Right One Came Along - But It Was Easy. He Was The Only One That Came Along.

For Fang, Getting Out Of Bed In The Morning Is A Career Move.

Becoming A Comedienne Was My Way Of Adjusting To Puberty.

In Most States You Can Get A Driver's License When You're Sixteen Years Old, Which Made A Lot Of Sense To Me When I Was Sixteen Years Old But Now Seems Insane.

I'm Beginning To Have Morning Sickness. I'm Not Having A Baby, I'm Just Sick Of Morning.

It's A Certain Kind Of Immortality, Because Those Disney Films Do Go On And On And On.

You Know You're Old When Someone Compliments You On Your Alligator Shoes, And You're Barefoot.

Compliments You

I Don't Like To Cook. I Can Make A Tv Dinner Taste Like Radio.

I Remember Once A Vocational Director Said To Fang, "you Must Develop Some Mechanical Skills - Like Getting Out Of Bed."

Housework Can't Kill You, But Why Take A Chance?

Once My Husband Said To Me, 'i'm Going To Have Some Coffee. Do You Want Me To Put Some Hot Water On For You?' I Thought That Was The Least He Could Do Considering I Was Giving Birth.

Health - What My Friends Are Always Drinking To Before They Fall Down.

Falling In Love

My Cooking Is So Bad My Kids Thought Thanksgiving Was To Commemorate Pearl Harbor.

I Realize It Is Normal To Argue. I Almost Missed World War Ii Watching My Parents Fight.

My Recipe For Dealing With Anger And Frustration: Set The Kitchen Timer For Twenty Minutes, Cry, Rant, And Rave, And At The Sound Of The Bell, Simmer Down And Go About Business As Usual.

Next To Gold And Jewelry, Health Is The Most Important Thing You Can Have.

Before You Get Married You Should Meet Your Fiance's Parents. It Is Not Enough That You Like His Parole Officer.

Think Of Me As A Sex Symbol For The Men Who Don't Give A Damn.

By Far The Most Common Craving Of Pregnant Women Is Not To Be Pregnant.

We Spend The First Twelve Months Of Our Children's Lives Teaching Them To Walk And Talk And The Next Twelve Telling Them To Sit Down And Shut Up.

You Know What Keeps Me Humble? Mirrors!

I Was So Wrinkled I Could Screw My Hats On.

Do Not Taste Food While You're Cooking. You May Lose Your Nerve To Serve It.

Maybe It's True That Life Begins At Fifty. But Everything Else Starts To Wear Out, Fall Out, Or Spread Out.

When You Hire A Person To Plan Your Wedding, This Does Not Include Securing The Groom. Plan To Get Married On Friday The 13th. In Years To Come This Will Make It Much Easier To Explain Why Things Turned Out Badly. To Look Beautiful At Your Wedding, Take Time To Plan It. It Took Me A Long Time To Find Two Ugly Bridesmaids And A Frumpy Little Flower Girl.

A Passport Picture Is A Photo Of A Man That He Can Laugh At Without Realizing That It Looks Exactly The Way His Friends See Him.

My Eight-year-old Bought A Bicycle With The Money He Saved By Not Smoking.

Remember, Only A Policeman Is Allowed To Express Himself On An Expressway.

My Timing Is So Precise, A Heckler Would Have To Make An Appointment Just To Get A Word In.

[when To Have A Facelift:] If You're Tripping Over Your Neck.

It Took Me Three Weeks To Stuff The Turkey. I Stuffed It Through The Beak.

My Doctor Is A Family Physician. He Treats My Family And I Support His.

It's Hard To Find A Negligee In My Size. I Wear A Junior Mister.

The Last Thing I'd Learn, Well Into My Career, Was How To Get On, How To Say Hello, How To Get In With The Audience.

Sex Is Identical To Comedy In That It Involves Timing.

... If They [your Children] Write Their Names In The Dust On The Furniture, Don't Let Them Put The Year.

Your Husband Is Lazy If Coffee Doesn't Keep Him Awake - Even When It's Hot And Being Spilled On Him.

I Am Constantly Being Asked About Individuals. The Only Way To Win Is As A Team. Football Is Not About One Or Two Or Three Star Players.

A Smile Is A Curve That Sets Everything Straight.

Some Wives Have Model Husbands, I Got One That Needed Remodeling.

I Asked My Hairdresser What Would Look Good On Me. She Says A Los Angeles Rams Football Helmet.

The Only Thing My Husband And I Have In Common Is That We Were Married On The Same Day.

It's True Fang And I Fight, But We've Never Gone To Bed Mad. Of Course, One Year We Were Up For Three Months.

I Like To Serve Chocolate Cake, Because It Doesn't Show The Dirt.

They Just Elected Me Mis Phonograph Record Of 1966. They Discovered My Measurements Were 33 1/2, 45, 78!

When I Go To The Beach, Even The Tide Won't Come In.

I Was The World's Ugliest Baby. I Have Photos Of My Folks Leaving The Hospital With Sacks Over Their Heads... I Asked My Mother How To Turn Off The Electric Fan. She Said 'grab The Blade!

Self-pity Is Better Than None.

The Doctor Looked My Body Over. I Said: Is There Any Hope? He Said: Yes. Reincarnation.

Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion, And I Can't Buy Any Of It.

Comedy Is Tragedy Revisited Or Hostility. It Is Mock Hostility, Of Course, Or It Would Be Ugly; We Would Have A War.

I Met My Husband When A Friend Sent Him Over To My House To Cure My Hiccoughs.

It Would Seem That Something Which Means Poverty, Disorder And Violence Every Single Day Should Be Avoided Entirely, But The Desire To Beget Children Is A Natural Urge.

Always Be Nice To Your Children Because They Are The Ones Who Will Choose Your Rest Home.

Funny Inspirational

The Real Reason Your Pro Tells You To Keep Your Head Down Is So You Can't See Him Laughing At You.

My Mother-in-law Must Be The Probation Officer I Got For The Crime I Committed Of Marrying My Husband.

Let Me Tell You, A Discussion That Starts, 'i'll Tell You Something You Do That Irritates Me, If You Tell Me Something I Do That Bothers You,' Never Ends In A Hug And A Kiss.

To Get A Roaster Clean, Send Something Like Baked Apples In It To A Neighbor. Neighbors Always Return Pans Spotless, And You Won't Have To Use A Blow Torch On It Like You Usually Do.

Tranquilizers Work Only If You Follow The Advice On The Bottle - Keep Away From Children.

Never Refer To Your Wedding Night As The Original Amateur Hour.

Your Husband Is Lazy If When He Leaves The House, He Finds Out Which Way The Wind Is Blowing And Goes That Direction.

I Spent Seven Hours In A Beauty Shop... And That Was For The Estimate.

Our Dog Died From Licking Our Wedding Picture.

I Will Never Give Up. I Am In My 14th Year Of A 10-day Beauty Plan.

I Will Never Give Up

I Wanted To Become Me, Totally Me. The More Me, The Better. I Instinctively Knew This And I Was Right.

I Became A Stand-up Comedienne Because I Had A Sit-down Husband.

Choose A Checked Or Striped Wall Paper. People Will Be Halfway Home Before They Are Able To Focus.

He Has So Many Muscles He Has To Make An Appointment To Move His Fingers.

Carry An Oar When You Drive. Three Times I've Ended Up In Water.

When You Play Spin The Bottle, If They Don't Want To Kiss You They Have To Give You A Quarter. Well, Hell, By The Time I Was Twelve Years Old I Owned My Own Home.

I'll Never Forget My First Fur. It Was A Modest Little Stole. Modest? People Thought I Was Wearing Anchovies.

My Mother Hated Me. Once She Took Me To An Orphanage And Told Me To Mingle

Get Married With The Feeling It Is Going To Last. Not Like The Bride I Know Who Doubled The Wedding Cake Recipe And Froze One.

Life Is A Do-it-yourself Kit, So Do It Yourself. Work. Practice.

Doctors Say It's Okay To Have Sex After A Heart Attack, Provided You Close The Ambulance Door.

I Never Made `who's Who,' But I'm Featured In `what's That?'

My Plastic Surgeon ... Said My Face Looked Like A Bouquet Of Elbows.

Whatever You May Look Like, Marry A Man Your Own Age - As Your Beauty Fades, So Will His Eyesight.

Absolutely Nothing Was Happening In My Marriage. I Nicknamed My Waterbed, Lake Placid!

Absolutely Nothing

Keep At Least One Window Pane Clean To Check The Weather. Once When I Didn't Do This I Sent The Kids Off With Umbrellas For Six Weeks Straight.

Like All Good Ruins, I Look Better By Moonlight.

I Once Wore A Peekaboo Blouse. People Would Peek And Then They’d Boo.

I Serve Dinner In Three Phases: Serve The Food, Clear The Table, Bury The Dead.

It's A Good Thing That Beauty Is Only Skin Deep, Or I'd Be Rotten To The Core.

Just Because I Have Rice On My Clothes Doesn't Mean I've Been To A Wedding. A Chinese Man Threw Up On Me.

My Idea Of Exercise Is A Good Brisk Sit.

I Got My First Laugh When My Mother Entered Me In A Baby Contest.

Have You Ever Known Anyone Who Bought A Fruitcake For Himself? Of Course Not. They Are Purchased As Christmas Gifts, Mostly For People You Don't Particularly Like.

My Father Used To Call Me The Laughing Hyena.

When I Go To The Beauty Parlor, I Always Use The Emergency Entrance. Sometimes I Just Go For An Estimate.

My Mother-in-law Had A Pain Beneath Her Left Breast. Turned Out To Be A Trick Knee.

Would You Believe That I Once Entered A Beauty Contest? I Must Have Been Out Of My Mind. I Not Only Came In Last, I Got 361 Get-well Cards.

This Woman Was So Cross-eyed. She Can Go To A Tennis Match And Never Move Her Head.

A Friend Told Me The Longer You Keep Romano Cheese, The Better It Gets. So, I Kept It Three Years. And This Thing Turned Mean. Now And Then I'd Open The Refrigerator Door And Throw It Some Food. I'd Have To Walk It Now And Then. And Then It Grew This One Leg. And It's Got This Ugly Fuzz All Over It. And The Dogs Won't Run With It.

Cleaning Your House While Your Kids Are Still Growing Up Is Like Shoveling The Walk Before It Stops Snowing.

All Mothers Are Working Mothers.

I Admit, I Have A Tremendous Sex Drive. My Boyfriend Lives Forty Miles Away.

When He Proposed He Said, "we'll Make Such Beautiful Music Together," But In This Duet, His Part Seems To Be All Rests.

Remarrying A Husband You've Divorced Is Like Having Your Appendix Put Back In.

My Own Laugh Is The Real Thing And I've Had It All My Life.

My Photographs Don't Do Me Justice - They Just Look Like Me.

Remember There Is No Way You Can Give The Father Custody Of The Children Without Getting A Divorce.

What I Don't Like About Office Christmas Parties Is Looking For A Job The Next Day.

Fang Took The Entire Family Out For Coffee And Donuts The Other Night. The Kids Enjoyed It. It Was The First Time They'd Ever Given Blood.

The Last Thing My Kids Ever Did To Earn Money Was Lose Their Baby Teeth.

Your Husband Drinks Too Much If He Says He Never Drinks Alone, But Considers The Goldfish Somebody.

My Husband Is So Cheap. On Christmas Eve, He Fires One Shot And Tells The Kids Santa Committed Suicide.

If You Don't Have Wrinkles, You Haven't Laughed Enough.

Funny Inspirational

I Have Nothing Against Dogs. I Just Hate Rugs That Go Squish-squish.

The Reason Women Don't Play Football Is Because 11 Of Them Would Never Wear The Same Outfit In Public.

Motivational Sports

I've Been Asked To Say A Couple Of Words About My Husband, Fang. How About Short And Cheap?

Aim High, And You Won't Shoot Your Foot Off.

I Love To Go To The Doctor. Where Else Would A Man Look At Me And Say, 'take Off Your Clothes'?

Have The Man At The Station Put The Air In The Tires. I Did It Once Myself. Have You Ever Seen A Car With A Limp?

[on Plastic Surgery:] When I Die, God Won't Know Me. There Are No Two Parts Of My Body The Same Age.

Old Age Is When The Liver Spots Show Through Your Gloves.

This Woman Goes Into A Gun Shop And Says, 'i Want To Buy A Gun For My Husband.' The Clerk Says, 'did He Tell You What Kind Of Gun?' 'no,' She Replied. 'he Doesn't Even Know I'm Going To Shoot Him.

When Buying A New House ... Buy The House Far Enough Away From School So Your Kids Can't Come Home For Lunch.

I'd Love To Slit My Mother-in-law's Corsets And Watch Her Spread To Death.

Nothing Was Happening In The Bedroom. I Nicknamed Our Waterbed The Dead Sea.

When I Go To Bed At Night, I've Got So Much Grease On My Body I Wear Snow Chains To Hold Up My Gown.

I'm Eighteen Years Behind In My Ironing.

Never Go To Bed Mad. Stay Up And Fight.

A Bachelor Is A Guy Who Never Made The Same Mistake Once.

If Your Husband Wants To Lick The Beaters On The Mixer, Shut Them Off Before You Give Them To Him.

Every Time I Go Near The Stove, The Dog Howls.

I Have So Many Liver Spots, I Ought To Come With A Side Of Onions.

If Your House Is Really A Mess And A Stranger Comes To The Door Greet Him With, 'who Could Have Done This? We Have No Enemies!'

If I Wore A Peek-a-boo Dress, It Would Be Like Turning In A False Alarm.

The Constants All Through The Centuries Will Be The Same; Wine, Women And Song. Other Than That, Life Will Be Very Different Technologically. In The Year 3000 The Universe Will Be Expanding As It Will Forever, Infinitely. We Will Probe Outer Space But Never Find Life As Evolutionized As Ours. We Were Not Created By A Deity. We Created The Deity In Our Image. Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

I Was In A Beauty Contest Once. I Not Only Came In Last, I Was Hit In The Mouth By Miss Congeniality.

Women Want Men, Careers, Money, Children, Friends, Luxury, Comfort, Independence, Freedom, Respect, Love, And A Three-dollar Pantyhose That Won't Run.

If It Weren't For My Adam's Apple, I'd Have No Shape At All.

It's An Ill Will That Blows When You Leave The Hairdresser.

Everybody Knows How Lazy He Is. One Day The Neighbors Saw Fang Mow The Lawn And I Got Three Get Well Cards.

Right From The Start My Parents Had Left Me To Fend For Myself. Apparently Unaware That I Was A Kid, They Invariably Treated Me Like An Adult, Perhaps Because They Themselves Were No Spring Chickens.

Your Husband Is Lazy If The Directions On His Medicine Say, "a Teaspoon Before Going To Bed," And In One Day He Uses Seven Bottles.

The Only Parts Left Of My Original Body Are My Elbows.

I'm At An Age When My Back Goes Out More Than I Do.

Funny Relationship

I Still Take The Pill. I Don't Want Any More Grandchildren.

Isn't My Fur Stole Pitiful? How Unsuccessful Can A Girl Look? People Think I'm Wearing Anchovies. The Worst Of It Is, I Trapped These Under My Own Sink.

We Named All Our Children Kid. Well, They Have Different First Names, Like Hey Kid, You Kid, Dumb Kid . . .

My Husband Is So Useless That It's Hard For Me To Be Romantic With Him. I Get Down On The Floor And Say, If You Love Me, Blink Your Eyes.

You Can Say The Nastiest Things About Yourself Without Offending Anyone.

No Matter What Time Your Guests Arrive, Pretend They're Early, So Naturally You're Not Ready.

A Terrible Thing Happened To Me Last Night Again—nothing.

The Best Contraceptive For Old People Is Nudity.

When I Go To The Beach, My Grandchildren Try To Make Words Out Of The Veins In My Legs. That's Why I Still Take The Pill; I Don't Want Any More Grandchildren.

All I Ever Learned At My Mother's Knee Was What A Bony Knee Looked Like.

Do I Believe In Witchcraft? I'm The Result Of It.

I Was The World's Ugliest Baby. When I Was Born, The Doctor Slapped Everybody.

I Asked The Waiter, 'is This Milk Fresh?' He Said, 'lady, Three Hours Ago It Was Grass.'

Burt Reynolds Once Asked Me Out. I Was In His Room.

Any Time Three New Yorkers Get Into A Cab Without An Argument, A Bank Has Just Been Robbed.

The Reason I'm Not An Alcoholic Is I Don't Like To Drink In Front Of The Kids . . . And When You're Away From Them, Who Needs It?.

You Want To Look Younger... Rent Smaller Children.

Never Go To Bed Angry, Stay Up And Fight.

My Mother-in-law Buys Her Coats In A Carper Shop. She Wears A 9x12.

Life Began On This Planet When The First Amoeba Split. Mankind Will Still Be Seeking God, Not Accepting That God Is A Spirit; Can't See It, Touch It, Only Feel It. It's Called Love.

Everybody Knows How Much Time Fang Spends In Bed. A Local Store That Gives A 30 Days' Trial On Mattresses Gives Fang Only 15 Days.

Mothers-in-law Do Not Make Good House Pets. Once I Had The Most Wonderful Dream -- I Dreamed That Mothers-in-law Cost Money And I Couldn't Afford One.

This Man I Was Going With Asked Me For My Finger Measurements. I Thought He Was Going To Buy Me A Ring For Christmas, But He Gave Me A Bowling Ball.

There Isn't Any (afterlife), You Dingbat! This Is It, Baby! Enjoy, Carefully! Religion Is Such A Medieval Idea. Don't Get Me Started. I Have Thought About Every Facet Of Religion And I Can't Buy Any Of It. So God Made Man In His Own Image? It's Just The Other Way Around. Man Made God In His Own Image. It's All About Money.

Most Children Threaten At Times To Run Away From Home. This Is The Only Thing That Keeps Some Parents Going.

We Californians Are Constantly Accused Of Not Having Seasons, But We Do. We Have Fire, Flood, Mud, And Drought.

The Only Time I Ever Enjoyed Ironing Was The Day I Accidentally Got Gin In The Steam Iron.

One [expert] Said, 'always Have A Baby Sitter Who Is Acquainted With Your Children.' If They Were Acquainted With My Children, They Wouldn't Sit!

Comedy Is Tragedy Revisited.

I Buried A Lot Of My Ironing In The Back Yard.

A Stand-up Comic Is Judged By Every Line. Singers Get Applause At The End Of Their Song No Matter How Bad They Are.

His Finest Hour Lasted A Minute And A Half.

I Finally Had A Ship Tattooed To My Chest. I Wanted Something On It.

I Should Have Suspected My Husband Was Lazy. On Our Wedding Day, His Mother Told Me: "i'm Not Losing A Son; I'm Gaining A Couch."

My House Used To Be Haunted, But The Ghosts Haven't Been Back Since The Night I Tried On All My Wigs.

I Want My Children To Have All The Things I Couldn't Afford. Then I Want To Move In With Them.

I Am Descended From A Very Long Line My Mother Once Foolishly Listened To.

If My Jeans Could Talk, They'd Plead For Mercy.

Trending Author

John Drinkwater

Kenneth Rexroth

Category