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When You Reach A Certain Age, Suddenly There Are Lots Of People Younger Than You, Which Is Really Startling.

-Fran Lebowitz

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When You Reach A

Fran Lebowitz

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When You Reach A Certain Age, Suddenly There Are Lots Of People Younger Than You, Which Is Really Startling.

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Writers Have Problems Writing Sex Scenes, Because Writing One Really Well Is Pornography.

Money...buys Privacy, Silence. The Less Money You Have, The Noisier It Is; The Thinner Your Walls, The Closer Your Neighbors.... The First Thing You Notice When You Step Into The House Or Apartment Of A Rich Person Is How Quiet It Is.

There Are Two Kinds Of Music - Good Music And Bad Music. Good Music Is Music That I Want To Hear. Bad Music Is Music That I Don't Want To Hear.

My Favorite Way To Wake Up Is To Have A Certain French Movie Star Whisper To Me Softly At Two-thirty In The Afternoon That If I Want To Get To Sweden In Time To Pick Up My Nobel Prize For Literature, I Had Better Ring For Breakfast. This Occurs Rather Less Often Than One Might Wish.

Being A Woman Is Of Special Interest Only To Aspiring Male Transsexuals. To Actual Women, It Is Simply A Good Excuse Not To Play Football.

When I Was Young, Boys Didn't Type.

Science Has Done Absolutely Nothing About Noise. The Worst Design Flaw In The Human Body Is That You Can't Close Your Ears. The Reason You Can't Close Your Ears Is, If A Lion Was Coming, You Had To Wake Up. Today No Lions Are Coming. Beeping Trucks Are Coming. I Read The Other Day That The Guy Who Invented The Beep When Trucks Go Backward, He Died. I Thought: Of Course - He Dies, I Have To Listen To It.

There Is Nothing More Mine Than My Writing, Nothing I'm More Proprietary About.

Writing Pornography Is Deadly, Nothing Duller. I Mean A Toll-taker Has A More Exciting Life Than A Pornographer.

Humility Is No Substitute For A Good Personality.

Tolerance Is Really A Better Thing Than Understanding. Because It Doesn't Agitate Against Human Nature.

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.

Violet Will Be A Good Color For Hair At Just About The Same Time That Brunette Becomes A Good Color For Flowers.

People (a Group That In My Opinion Has Always Attracted An Undue Amount Of Attention) Have Often Been Likened To Snowflakes. This Analogy Is Meant To Suggest That Each Is Unique - No Two Alike. This Is Quite Patently Not The Case. People, Even At The Current Rate Of Inflation - In Fact, People Especially At The Current Rate Of Inflation - Are Quite Simply A Dime A Dozen. And, I Hasten To Add, Their Only Similarity To Snowflakes Resides In Their Invariably And Lamentable Tendency To Turn, After A Few Warm Days, To Slush.

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

I Place A High Moral Value On The Way People Behave. I Find It Repellent To Have A Lot, And To Behave With Anything Other Than Courtesy In The Old Sense Of The Word - Politeness Of The Heart, A Gentleness Of The Spirit.

[children Are] Like Talking Animals. Their Consciousness Is So Different From Ours That They Constitute A Different Species. They Don't Have To Be Particularly Interesting Children; Just The Fact That They Are Children Is Sufficient. They Don't Know What Anything Is, So They Have To Make It Up. No Matter How Dull They Are, They Still Have To Figure Things Out For Themselves.

What People Don't Know Is: Clothes Don't Really Fit You Unless They're Made For You. Especially When You Wear Men's Clothes, Like I Do. American Women Think That Clothes Fit Them If They Can Fit Into Them. But That's Not At All What Fit Means.

My Favorite Animal Is Steak.

Modern Science Was Largely Conceived Of As An Answer To The Servant Problem And ... It Is Generally Practiced By Those Who Lack A Flair For Conversation.

Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

Even When Freshly Washed And Relieved Of All Obvious Confections, Children Tend To Be Sticky.

For The Movie Review Columns, I Always Knew Exactly What I Was Going To Write About - The Movies.

Anti-smoking Sentiment Has Replaced Middle-class Morality Entirely. The Smoker Has Taken The Place Of The Homosexual. Today You Hear People Say Things About Smokers That Used To Be Said About Homosexuals - They Pollute The Environment; You Don't Want Them Around Your Children.

Scientists - The Crowd That For Dash And Style Make The General Public Look Like The Bloomsbury Set.

When I Was Very Little, Say Five Or Six, I Became Aware Of The Fact That People Wrote Books. Before That, I Thought That God Wrote Books. I Thought A Book Was A Manifestation Of Nature, Like A Tree.

I Am Alternately Very Gregarious - Very Sociable - And Then Very Solitary.

I Believe That At Birth Everyone Gets The Capacity For A Certain Amount Of Drugs And Alcohol, Everyone The Same, You Can Do It All Between 15 And 19 Like I Did, Or You Can Stretch It Out Over 70 Years.

Even When America Is Not Working That Well, It Still Works Better Than Other Places.

Maybe It's Superficial To Exude A Sense Of Confidence In One's Clothes. But It's Also Integral. We Have An Appearance. Not All Of Us Are Beautiful. But We Can Appear Fine Looking. So We Should. Feeling Good About An Outfit Is The Point At Which That Outfit Finally Becomes Good.

You're Only As Good As Your Last Haircut.

I Could Not Possibly Be In A Relationship Now For More Than Six Days. When I Was Younger, I Might Have Said Six Months, Although I Think The Longest Relationship I Was Ever In Was Three Years.

It's Very Important Who The President Of The United States Is. America Is A Great Idea, So That's Why It's A Great Country.

A Person Who Actually Knows How To Wear Clothes...they Would Look Good In Any Clothes. You See This Especially At The Academy Awards. Even If The Dresses Are Beautiful And Expensive And Important, The Actresses Can't Always Carry Them. Sometimes I Feel Like Saying To Them, "act! You Know How To Act, You're An Actor. You're About To Win An Award For, I Don't Know, Convincingly Playing That Venezuelan Nun Who Went To War. Now Act Like You Can Wear This Dress.".

If You Are A Dog And Your Owner Suggests That You Wear A Sweater Suggest That He Wear A Tail.

New York City Is Filled With The Same Kind Of People I Left New Jersey To Get Away From.

Contrary To What Many Of You May Imagine, A Career In Letters Is Not Without Its Drawbacks - Chief Among Them The Unpleasant Fact That One Is Frequently Called Upon To Sit Down And Write.

I Had To Go On Tv With The President Of The Catholic League, Which Is Not An Official Organization At All, Just A Lot Of Catholics, Or Maybe It's Just This Guy. He Demanded To De-fund Art Completely And Argued That Taxpayers Should Not Pay For It. I Said People Who Represent The Catholic Church Shouldn't Talk About Taxes.

I Love Sleep Because It Is Both Pleasant And Safe To Use.

Communists All Seem To Wear Small Caps, A Look I Consider Better Suited To Tubes Of Toothpaste Than To People.

When I Was A Kid, The People Of My Generation Didn't Want To Be Writers, They Wanted To Be Rock Stars. Rock And Roll Was Not Just Entertainment, It Was The Center Of People's Lives. When I Was Young, It Was Exciting And Interesting.

If People Had Gavels, There Would Be No Wars. If Every Person In The World Had A Gavel And Could Bang It And Get Everyone's Attention Right Away And Make Their Displeasure Known, I Believe The Level Of Actual Violence In The World Would Just Disappear To Practically Nothing.

Because Of The Internet Everybody Sees The Same Stuff. You Can Buy The Clothes Of New York, Even If You're Not Living There. So I Think That The Accessibility, In This Case, Drives Buying Choices More Than Anything Else.

Things That People Will Say To Me, Mostly, Is That You Shouldn't Have All These Books. It's Too Expensive.

The Best Fame Is A Writer's Fame. It's Enough To Get A Table At A Good Restaurant, But Not Enough To Get You Interrupted When You Eat.

Vegetables Are Interesting But Lack A Sense Of Purpose When Unaccompanied By A Good Cut Of Meat.

You Should Make It Hard On Yourself To Write So You’re Easier To Read.

Ever Since I Was A Little Child, I Refused To See Movies Of Books That I Loved. Because You Already Know What Heidi Looks Like And She Doesn't Look Like Shirley Temple.

Favorite Animal: Steak.

All Style Is Personal - That's What Distinguishes It From Fashion.

To Lose Yourself In A Book Is The Desire Of The Bookworm. I Mean To Be Taken. That Is My Desire.

The Truth Is That Most Families Have No Smart Ones And No Pretty Ones. Most Families Are A Bunch Of Unattractive Dopes. And It Turns Out That The Bush Family, Like Most Families, Has No Smart Ones. I Was Not Surprised To See This.

People Who Are Well-known, Famous People, I Think, Make Very Poor Characters For Fiction. They Make Good Characters For Gossip Columns. But Not For Fiction.

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Not As Great As You Might Imagine. You Need Not Supply The World With The Next Conqueror Of Disease Or Major Motion Picture Star. If Your Child Simply Grows Up To Be Someone Who Does Not Use The Word "collectible" As A Noun, You Can Consider Yourself An Unqualified Success.

My Other Hobby, Because I Just Love Any Job With A Gavel, Is Auctioneer. And I So Often Have Presided Over Charity Auctions In New York That Many Years Ago Sotheby's Sent Me My Own Gavel. Now, The Sotheby's Gavel Is Infinitely More Elegant--it Came In A Little Velvet Bag, With "sotheby's" Inscribed In Gold. It Hangs In My Library. I Feel That Everyone Has Occasion To Use A Gavel At Various Times Everyday, They Just Don't Think Of It.

Marriage Entitles Women To The Protection Of A Strong Man Who Will Steady The Stepladder While They Paint The Kitchen Ceiling.

I Wouldn't Say That I Dislike The Young. I'm Simply Not A Fan Of Naïveté.

In Conversation You Can Use Timing, A Look, An Inflection. But On The Page All You Have Is Commas, Dashes, The Amount Of Syllables In A Word. When I Write, I Read Everything Out Loud To Get The Right Rhythm.

Once You Go Outside Your Natural Audience, There Are Tons Of People That Don't Like You.

Should Novels Generally Be 600 Pages? No, They Should Not. Half Of Writing, Maybe 3/4 Of Writing, Is Editing. This Seems To Be A Thing That Has Not Gotten Through To Them. It's My Impression That You Could Get Rid Of Half Of Most Of These Books. These People Are Not Good Enough To Be This Long, But They're Apparently Also Not Good Enough To Be Shorter.

I Believe In Talent. I Know You're Not Supposed To Believe In That Anymore Because You're Supposed To Believe If You Just Work Hard You Can Do Anything. That's How You Succeed, Maybe. But Talent Is Something You're Born With. You Cannot Acquire It By Working Hard, And You Cannot Lose It By Lying Around Either.

Ask Your Child What He Wants For Dinner Only If He's Buying.

Presently It Appears That People Are Mainly Concerned With Being Well Rested. Those Capable Of Uninterrupted Sleep Are Much Admired. Unconsciousness Is In Great Demand. This Is The Day Of The Milligram. The Rigors Of Learning How To Do Long Division Have Been A Traditional Part Of Childhood, Just Like Learning To Smoke. In Fact, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Two Go Hand In Hand. Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

How Do You Know If Your Child Is A Writer? Your Obstetrician Holds His Stethoscope To Your Abdomen And Only Hears Excuses.

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

When I Started Publishing, I Got Offers To Write For Big Magazines. But I Would Always Say, "well, It's Not That I Don't Want To Write For These Big Magazines, But You Can't Edit It."

Don't Bother Discussing Sex With Small Children. They Rarely Have Anything To Add.

Calling A Taxi In Texas Is Like Calling A Rabbi In Iraq.

Whenever Someone Accuses Someone Of Being A Racist - Which Is Rare, You Have To Admit, Considering How Much Racism There Is - There Is An Incredible Outrage. I Realized That We Live In An Environment That It Seems To Be Worse To Call Someone A Racist Than To Be One.

I've Always Been Old At Heart.

All God's Children Are Not Beautiful. Most Of God's Children Are, In Fact, Barely Presentable.

The Good Thing About Being In Someone Else's Apartment Is It's So Much Easier To Leave Than It Is To Get Someone Out.

Very Few People Possess True Artistic Ability. It Is Therefore Both Unseemly And Unproductive To Irritate The Situation By Making An Effort. If You Have A Burning, Restless Urge To Write Or Paint, Simply Eat Something Sweet And The Feeling Will Pass.

Do Not Elicit Your Child's Political Opinions. He Doesn't Know Any More Than You Do.

Political Opinions

For Someone Such As Myself, Who Is Kind Of Feckless And Immature, It's Better To Have Rich Friends Than To Be Rich Yourself, Because Then You Have Wealth Without The Responsibility. You Get To Go To Their Houses, And You Get Acquainted With A Level Of Furniture That You Cannot Provide For Yourself. Furniture, I Think Is The Most Important Attribute Of Rich People.

I Don't Like To Read Nonfiction. To Me, Fact Is Something I Can Look Up.

Life Was Certainly More Entertaining When People Were Indulging Their Vices As Opposed To Going To Meetings To Indulge In A New Vice: Discussing Their Innermost Thoughts In Public.

No One Earns $100 Million. You Steal $100 Million.

I Hate, Simply, To Work. I Just Hate To Work, Period. I Am Profoundly Slothful. Practically Inert.

[on Not Reading Newspapers:] If Something Important Happens, Your Mother Calls You.

Any Artist Who Has That Quality Of Timelessness Has That Quality Because They Tell The Truth.

Telling The Truth

I Don't Like The Kind Of Country Living Where You Have To Help. I Like Country Living Where There Is Help.

You Sit Or Stand In The Subway, And You Look Around - I Do, Because I Don't Have A Phone So I'm Not Playing A Game - And You See People.

Those Who Use The Word 'lifestyle' Are Rarely In Possession Of Either.

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. I Don't Want To Brag, But I'm The Laziest Person I Have Ever Known.

I Am Not... Totally Unreceptive To Colour Providing It Makes Its Appearance Quietly, Deferentially, And Without Undue Fanfare.

I Have Friends, Some Of Whom Are Spectacularly Good Writers, Who Really Want Someone To Edit Them. I Don't Register That Impulse. It's Like The Impulse For Wanting A Dog.

I Always Make A Big Effort To Make A Distinction Between What Is Actually Worse Or What Is Just Worse About Not Being 21. Of Course, It's Much Worse Not To Be 21. This Is A Given. But There Are Things That Are Worse.

Radio News Is Bearable. This Is Due To The Fact That While The News Is Being Broadcast, The Disk Jockey Is Not Allowed To Talk.

I Do Not Believe In God. I Believe In Cashmere.

The Second I Learned To Read In First Grade, When I Was 5, I Preferred It To Life. And I Still Do.

In The Soviet Union, Capitalism Triumphed Over Communism. In This Country, Capitalism Triumphed Over Democracy.

The Conversational Overachiever Is Someone Whose Grasp Exceeds His Reach. This Is Possible But Not Attractive.

I Am Not Personally A Parent. But I Do Have Two Godchildren And Am Expecting A Third. I Am Naturally Concerned For Their Future. If I Ruled The World You Could Bet Your Boots That None Of Them Would Ever Set Their Eyes On Any Such Contraptions As Digital Clocks And Pocket Calculators. But Alas, I Do Not Rule The World And That, I Am Afraid, Is The Story Of My Life - Always A Godmother, Never A God.

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think. This Will Give You Something To Think About That You Didn't Make Up Yourself - A Wise Move At Any Age, But Most Especially At Seventeen, When You Are In The Greatest Danger Of Coming To Annoying Conclusions.

...i Believed Passionately That Communists Were A Race Of Horned Men Who Divided Their Time Equally Between The Burning Of Nancy Drew Books And The Devising Of A Plan Of Nuclear Attack That Would Land The Largest And Most Lethal Bomb Squarely Upon The Third-grade Class Of Thomas Jefferson School In Morristown, New Jersey.

To Me, The Main Difference Between Young People Now And The People I Was Young With Isn't So Much Style, It's The Relationships They Have With Their Parents. Their Parents Like Them Much More Than Ours Liked Us. Our Parents Weren't Our Friends. But Now I See My Friends On The Phones With Their, What, 30 - Year - Old Kids? And They're Talking About Feelings.

When Someone Asks, 'why Do You Think He's Not Calling Me?' There's Always One Answer - 'he's Not Interested.' There's Not Ever Any Other Answer.

Take Away A Man's Actual Sense Of Manhood - Which Is Conventionally Based On The Ability To Work, To Earn Money, To Be Self-sufficient, To Provide For Children - And You've Got To Give Them Something Else. And They Did.

[on The Writers She Admires:] I Prefer Dead Writers, Because I Don't See Them At Parties.

Food Is Definitely Important Part Of Your Balanced Diet.

If You Are Of The Opinion That The Contemplation Of Suicide Is Sufficient Evidence Of A Poetic Nature, Do Not Forget That Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

If Your Sexual Fantasies Were Truly Of Interest To Others, They Would No Longer Be Fantasies.

Everything In Japan Is Hidden. Real Life Has An Unlisted Phone Number.

If You're Going To America, Bring Your Own Food.

Never Judge A Cover By Its Book.

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

People Elect The President For Reasons That Have Nothing To Do With His Ability To Be President.

The Terrible State Of Public Education Has Paid Huge Dividends In Ignorance. Huge. We Now Have A Country That Can Be Told Blatant Lies - Easily Checkable, Blatant Lies - And I'm Not Talking About The Covert Workings Of The Cia. When We Have A Terrorist Attack, On September 11, 2001 With 19 Men - 15 Of Them Are Saudis - And Five Minutes Later The Whole Country Thinks They're From Iraq - How Can You Have Faith In The Public? This Is An Easily Checkable Fact. The Whole Country Is Like The O.j. Simpson Jurors.

Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. Many People Find Smoking Objectionable. I Myself Find Many - Even More - Things Objectionable. I Do Not Like Aftershave Lotion, Adults Who Roller-skate, Children Who Speak French, Or Anyone Who Is Unduly Tan. I Do Not, However, Go Around Enacting Legislation And Putting Up Signs.

I Write So Slowly, I Could Write With My Own Blood And Not Hurt Myself.

The Other Day I Read That Last Year 58 Million Tourists Came To New York ... Where A Puny Eight Million People Are Trying To Live. Unless They Own A Hotel Chain, I Don't Think A Single One Of These Eight Million People Are Happy About This.

If You Don't Have Children And You Don't Have A Job, You Have Time For Friendship ... People Who Have Jobs Are Not The Best Friends To Have. It's Better To Be Friends With People Who Are Unemployed.

Why Not Have Your First Baby At Sixty, When Your Husband Is Already Dead And Your Career Is Over? Then You Can Really Devote Yourself To It.

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. It Makes Growing Up Genuinely Worthwhile. I Am Quite Well Aware Of The Hazards Of Smoking. Smoking Is Not A Healthful Pastime, It Is True. Smoking Is Indeed No Bracing Dip In The Ocean, No Strenuous Series Of Calisthenics, No Two Laps Around The Reservoir. On The Other Hand, Smoking Has To Its Advantage The Fact That Is A Quiet Pursuit. Smoking Is, In Effect A Dignified Sport.

I Think Writing For Me Has Always Been A Matter Of Fear. Writing Is Fear And Not Writing Is Fear. I Am Afraid Of Writing And Then I'm Afraid Of Not Writing.

When I Fly, I'm Never Afraid The Plane Is Going To Crash. But There Have Often Been Times When I Was Afraid It Wouldn't Crash. I Was Just Afraid It Was Going To Circle O'hare For The Rest Of My Life.

Writers Get Exactly The Right Amount Of Fame: Just Enough To Get A Good Table In A Restaurant But Not Enough So That People Are Constantly Interrupting You While You're Eating Dinner.

There's Nothing Like Being Old To Be Sure Of Everything.

It Is Not True That There Is Dignity In All Work. Some Jobs Are Definitely Better Than Others.... People Who Have Good Jobs Are Happy, Rich, And Well Dressed. People Who Have Bad Jobs Are Unhappy, Poor And Use Meat Extenders. Those Who Seek Dignity In The Type Of Work That Compels Them To Help Hamburgers Are Certain To Be Disappointed.

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw.

You Can't Go Around Hoping That Most People Have Sterling Moral Characters. The Most You Can Hope For Is That People Will Pretend That They Do.

Donald Trump Is Not My Fault. You Can Blame Certain Things On Me, But Not Donald Trump.

I Used To Love To Write. As A Child I Used To Write All The Time. I Loved To Write Up Until The Second I Got My First Professional Writing Job. It Turns Out It's Not That I Hate To Write. I Hate, Simply, To Work.

Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

Generally Speaking, The Poorer Person Summers Where He Winters.

When It Comes To Sports I Am Not Particularly Interested. Generally Speaking, I Look Upon Them As Dangerous And Tiring Activities Performed By People With Whom I Share Nothing Except The Right To Trial By Jury.

If In Addition To Being Physically Unattractive You Find That You Do Not Get Along Well With Others, Do Not Under Any Circumstances Attempt To Alleviate This Situation By Developing An Interesting Personality. An Interesting Personality, Is, In An Adult, Insufferable. In A Teenager It Is Frequently Punishable By Law.

What's So Great Thing About Clothes Is That They're Artificial - You Can Lie, You Can Choose The Way You Look, Which Is Not True Of Natural Beauty. So If You're Naturally Beautiful, Wear What You Want, But That's 01% Of People. Most People Just Aren't Good Looking Enough To Wear What They Have On. They Should Change. They Should Get Some Slacks And A Nice Overcoat. Remember When The Style Was Incredibly Messy Hair? That's Great If You're A Model. But If You're Not A Model, You Would Look Better If You Washed Your Hair, Because You Are Not Beautiful.

I Prefer Dead Writers Because You Don't Run Into Them At Parties.

Being Poor Is Like Being A Child. Being Rich Is Like Being An Adult: You Get To Do Whatever You Want. Everyone Is Nice When They Have To Be; Rich People Are Nice When They Feel Like It.

Cheese That Is Required By Law To Append The Word Food To Its Title Does Not Go Well With Red Wine Or Fruit.

In New York, People Are Very Overbooked.you Say, When Do You Want To Have Dinner? It's May. They Say, What About October? And Then They Complain: Oh You Can't Believe How Booked Up I Am.

I Have A Real Aversion To Machines. I Write With A Pen. Then I Read It To Someone Who Writes It Onto The Computer. What Are Those Computer Letters Made Of Anyway? Light? Too Insubstantial. Paper, You Can Feel It. A Pen. There's A Connection. A Pen Goes Exactly At Your Speed, Whereas That Machine Jumps. And Then, That Machine Is Waiting For You, Just Humming "uh-huh, Yes?

Do Not, On A Rainy Day, Ask Your Child What He Feels Like Doing, Because I Assure You That What He Feels Like Doing, You Won't Feel Like Watching.

I'm Such A Slow Writer I Have No Need For Anything As Fast As A Word Processor. I Don't Need Anything So Snappy. I Write So Slowly That I Could Write In My Own Blood Without Hurting Myself.

Educational Television Should Be Absolutely Forbidden. It Can Only Lead To Unreasonable Disappointment When Your Child Discovers That The Letters Of The Alphabet Do Not Leap Up Out Of Books And Dance Around With Royal-blue Chickens.

As A Teenager You Are At The Last Stage In Your Life When You Will Be Happy To Hear That The Phone Is For You.

No Animal Should Ever Jump Up On The Dining-room Furniture Unless Absolutely Certain That He Can Hold His Own In The Conversation.

Children Do Not Really Need Money. After All, They Don't Have To Pay Rent Or Send Mailgrams.

There's Also The Idea In This Country [usa], It's Not Wholly New, But It's New In Its Kind Of Purity, In That You Have To Be Really Smart To Be Really Rich. I Always Say To People, The Reason People Believe This Is A) They've Never Met A Really Smart Person, And B) They've Never Met A Really Rich Person. I Have Met Both, And I Cannot See The Crossover. You Do Not Have To Be A Genius To Get Rich. You Have To Be Ruthless To Get Rich.

I Used To Rent A House In Princeton, New Jersey, And Whenever People Came To Visit Me, I Would Drive Them Past Albert Einstein's House, Which Is The Most Ordinary House In Princeton - A House, Let Me Assure You, That Now A Salesman Wouldn't Live In. I'd Always Say, "that Was Albert Einstein's House." And They'd Say, "what Do You Mean? Why Would Albert Einstein Live In A Little House Like That?" And I'd Always Say To People, "because He Didn't Care!"

When Toni Morrison Said 'write The Book You Want To Read,' She Didn't Mean Everybody.

People Always Say "pop Culture." As If We Have Some High Culture To Distinguish It From.

If There Had Been A Job Of Being A Reader, I Would Have Taken That, Because I Love To Read And I Don't Love To Write. That Would Be Blissful.

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One. It's A Drug. It Distorts Reality, And That's The Point Of It. It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Someone That You Really Saw. The Second You Meet Someone That You're Going To Fall In Love With You Deliberately Become A Moron. You Do This In Order To Fall In Love, Because It Would Be Impossible To Fall In Love With Any Human Being If You Actually Saw Them For What They Are.

Falling In Love

One [new York] Eatery Is A Remodeled Diner That Looks Like What Busby Berkeley Would Have Done If Only He Hadn't Had The Money.

That I Am Totally Devoid Of Sympathy For, Or Interest In, The World Of Groups Is Directly Attributable To The Fact That My Two Greatest Needs And Desires - Smoking Cigarettes And Plotting Revenge - Are Basically Solitary Pursuits.

[friendships] Are Easy To Get Out Of Compared To Love Affairs, But They Are Not Easy To Get Out Of Compared To, Say, Jail.

While It Is Undeniably True That People Love A Surprise, It Is Equally True That They Are Seldom Pleased To Suddenly And Without Warning Happen Upon A Series Of Prunes In What They Took To Be A Normal Loin Of Pork.

Success Didn't Spoil Me, I've Always Been Insufferable.

I Drank My Lifetime Supply Of Alcohol And I Took My Lifetime Supply Of Drugs Between The Ages Of 15 And 19.

I Hate All Jobs. I've Never Had A Job I Liked.

The Main Symptom Of Falling In Love Is That You Lose Your Intellectual Prowess.

Falling In Love

Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

I Happen To Love A Good Run Almost As Much As Sex. Like Sex, There Are Often Times I Don't Think I'm Interested Until I'm Into It. Unlike Sex, I Do Have To Get Out Of Bed And Into The Elements. I Hate Leaving Bed.

I Think One Manifestation Of Integrity Is Holding A Grudge. Saying No Is A Little Different. Holding A Grudge Is The Modern Equivalent Of Having Standards.

When You Reach A Certain Age, Suddenly There Are Lots Of People Younger Than You, Which Is Really Startling.

Nothing Lasts. So It's My Belief, Yes, I Know A Lot Of The Things That We Liked Didn't Last, But Maybe Things We Don't Like, They're Also Not Going To Last. There Has Been Progress In My Lifetime. There Are Certainly Things That Are Better Than When I Was Young, And There Are Things That Are Worse. New York City, It's Worse. There's No Question.

Randomness Scares People. Religion Is A Way To Explain Randomness.

Because I Was Young, I Had This Long Hair, And People Used To Try To Tip Me With Joints.

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Never Great As The Case Is With The Mother.

Never Relinquish Clothing To A Hotel Valet Without First Specifically Telling Him That You Want It Back.

No One's Supposed To Be The President. This Is Not England. And It's Not Just The Bush Family, All Families Designate Each Child As Having Some Particular Trait.

New York Was Always More Expensive Than Any Other Place In The United States, But You Could Live In New York - And By New York, I Mean Manhattan. Brooklyn Was The Borough Of Grandparents. We Didn't Live Well. We Lived In These Horrible Places. But You Could Live In New York. And You Didn't Have To Think About Money Every Second.

Commercials And Sometimes Other Guests - It's The Down Side Of Tv. Other People - It's The Downside Of Life In General.

If I Lived In Another Country, Like A Country That Was, Say, An Enemy Of The United States, I Would Be More Amused Than I Am.

One Of The Biggest Changes In My Lifetime, Is The Phenomenon Of Men Wearing Shorts. Men Never Wore Shorts When I Was Young. This Is One Of The Worst Changes, By Far. It's Disgusting. To Have To Sit Next To Grown Men On The Subway In The Summer, And They're Wearing Shorts? They Look Ridiculous, Like Children, And I Can't Take Them Seriously. My Fashion Advice, Particularly To Men Wearing Shorts: Ask Yourself, 'could I Make A Living Modeling These Shorts?' If The Answer Is No, Then Change Your Clothes. Put On A Pair Of Pants.

I Drove A Cab. But All The Girls I Knew When I Was Young Who Had To Work - There Were Rich Girls - But The Ones Who Had To Work Were Waitresses. Because You Could Always Get Shifts In A Restaurant.

Do Not Approach With Anything Even Resembling Assurance A Restaurant That Moves.

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn. You See, Advice And Lovelorn Don't Go Together. Because Advice Makes Love Sound Like Some Sort Of Cognitive Activity, But We Know That It Isn't. We All Know That It's Some Sort Of Horrible Chemical Reaction Over Which We Have Absolutely No Control. And That's Why Advice Doesn't Work.

The Word Lady: Most Often Used To Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want To Talk To For Even Five Minutes.

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

When I Was Young, I Liked Romance. But To Me, Romance Is The Opposite Of Domestic Life. I Just Don't Want Anyone In The Apartment, Not For Longer Than A Few Hours.

Andy Warhol Made Fame More Famous.

American Women Think That Clothes Fit Them If They Can Fit Into Them. But That's Not At All What Fit Means.

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

If You Live In New York And You Have A Guest Room, You Have Guests. So I Think It's Best Not To Have A Guest Room.

A Woman's Quest In Life Should Be To Find The Perfect Apartment. And I Have Found The Perfect Apartment. The Perfect Apartment Is The First Floor Of The Metropolitan Museum. With A Sofa.

Children Are Rarely In The Position To Lend One A Truly Interesting Sum Of Money. There Are, However, Exceptions, And Such Children Are An Excellent Addition To Any Party.

I Never Wanted To Have Any Extra Money, If It Meant Having To Have Any Extra Work.

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

If You Want To Get Ahead In This World Get A Lawyer -- Not A Book.

Nothing Succeeds Like Address.

I Wish That Real Estate Were Cheaper And Clothes Were More Expensive.

If Food Did Not Exist It Would Be Well-nigh Impossible To Get Certain Types Off The Phone, As One Would Be Unable To Say, 'look, I've Got To Run But Let's Have Dinner Sometime Soon.'

Original Thought Is Like Original Sin: Both Happened Before You Were Born To People You Could Not Have Possibly Met.

Original Thought

Not Writing Is Probably The Most Exhausting Profession I've Ever Encountered.

Perhaps The Least Cheering Statement Ever Made On The Subject Of Art Is That Life Imitates It.

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One.

Remember This: No Matter How Politely Or Distinctly You Ask A Parisian A Question He Will Persist In Answering You In French.

I Have Always Preferred The Company Of Older People. No One In The History Of The World Has Had Less Interest In The Young Than I Do. I Am Not Interested In What Young People Are Thinking. They're Thinking Less Than Old People, Of Course. I Mean, What Could They Be Thinking? And What Are They Doing? They're Doing The Same Stupid Things You Did.

If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You're On Something.

The Most Common Error Made In Matters Of Appearance Is The Belief That One Should Disdain The Superficial And Let The True Beauty Of One's Soul Shine Through. If There Are Places On Your Body Where This Is A Possibility, You Are Not Attractive - You Are Leaking.

Girls Who Put Out Are Tramps. Girls Who Don't Are Ladies. This Is, However, A Rather Archaic Usage Of The Word. Should One Of You Boys Happen Upon A Girl Who Doesn't Put Out, Do Not Jump To The Conclusion That You Have Found A Lady. What You Have Probably Found Is A Lesbian.

Having Been Unpopular In High School Is Not Just Cause For Book Publications.

If You Are Truly Serious Abut Preparing Your Child For The Future, Don't Teach Him To Subtract Teach Him To Deduct.

What's The Point Of Being Young If You're Not Going To Make New Things, I Wonder?

Smoking Is, As Far As I'm Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

Lifestyle. Not A Word At All, Really - Rather A Wordette. A Genuine Case Of More Is Less. ... The Word Life And The Word Style Are, Except In Rare Cases (and Chances Are That You're Not Of Them), Mutually Exclusive.

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