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Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

-Fran Lebowitz

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Life Is So Absurd

Fran Lebowitz

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Life Is So Absurd Now That It Is Almost Impossible To Be A Satirist In This Era.

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Humility Is No Substitute For A Good Personality.

Generally Speaking, The Poorer Person Summers Where He Winters.

Children Are The Most Desirable Opponents At Scrabble As They Are Both Easy To Beat And Fun To Cheat.

I Must Take Issue With The Term 'a Mere Child,' For It Has Been My Invariable Experience That The Company Of A Mere Child Is Infinitely Preferable To That Of A Mere Adult.

There Are Some Great Writers Who Are Great Talkers, But There Are More Great Writers Who Are Not Great Talkers. People Seem To Think There Is Some Connection Between Talking And Writing, But I Love To Talk And If There Were Some Connection Between The Two Of Them I Would Be The Most Prolific Writer In The History Of The World.

The Great Thing About New Jersey Is That It's Close To New York.

It's Very Important When Making A Friend To Check And See If They Have A Private Plane. People Think A Good Personality Trait In A Friend Is Kindness Or A Sense Of Humor. No, In A Friend A Good Personality Trait Is A Gulfstream.

Scientists Are Rarely To Be Counted Among The Fun People. Awkward At Parties, Shy With Strangers, Deficient In Irony - They Have Had No Choice But To Turn Their Attention To The Close Study Of Everyday Objects.

People Who Are Well-known, Famous People, I Think, Make Very Poor Characters For Fiction. They Make Good Characters For Gossip Columns. But Not For Fiction.

The Italians Are The Most Civilized People. And They're Very Warm. Basically, They're Jews With Great Architecture.

I Am Not Personally A Parent. But I Do Have Two Godchildren And Am Expecting A Third. I Am Naturally Concerned For Their Future. If I Ruled The World You Could Bet Your Boots That None Of Them Would Ever Set Their Eyes On Any Such Contraptions As Digital Clocks And Pocket Calculators. But Alas, I Do Not Rule The World And That, I Am Afraid, Is The Story Of My Life - Always A Godmother, Never A God.

Television Turned Out To Be Exactly As Bad As The Most Irritating And Pedantic Intellectuals Of The '50s Said It Was Going To Be.

In New York We Have Zillions Of Different Kinds Of People, Many Of Them Hate Each Other, But Violence Based On That Hatred Is Really Uncommon Here.

What I Can't Be Is Monogamous. That Tends To Upset People. I Just Don't Like Domestic Life.

In Real Life, I Assure You, There Is No Such Thing As Algebra.

When I Started Publishing, I Got Offers To Write For Big Magazines. But I Would Always Say, "well, It's Not That I Don't Want To Write For These Big Magazines, But You Can't Edit It."

A Hobby Is, Of Course, An Abomination, As Are All Consuming Interests And Passions That Do Not Lead Directly To Large, Personal Gain.

Think Before You Speak. Read Before You Think. This Will Give You Something To Think About That You Didn't Make Up Yourself - A Wise Move At Any Age, But Most Especially At Seventeen, When You Are In The Greatest Danger Of Coming To Annoying Conclusions.

Tolerance Is Really A Better Thing Than Understanding. Because It Doesn't Agitate Against Human Nature.

If There Had Been A Job Of Being A Reader, I Would Have Taken That, Because I Love To Read And I Don't Love To Write. That Would Be Blissful.

Great People Talk About Ideas, Average People Talk About Things, And Small People Talk About Wine.

Civilised Adults Do Not Take Apple Juice With Dinner.

In The Soviet Union, Capitalism Triumphed Over Communism. In This Country, Capitalism Triumphed Over Democracy.

I Write A Sentence A Thousand Times, Changing It All The Time To Look At It In Different Ways.

Why Not Have Your First Baby At Sixty, When Your Husband Is Already Dead And Your Career Is Over? Then You Can Really Devote Yourself To It.

Instead Of Writing It Wrong Six Times And Then Writing It Right, I Think It Wrong Six Times And Then Write It Right The Seventh Time.

I Prefer Dead Writers Because You Don't Run Into Them At Parties.

Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult. Many People Find Smoking Objectionable. I Myself Find Many - Even More - Things Objectionable. I Do Not Like Aftershave Lotion, Adults Who Roller-skate, Children Who Speak French, Or Anyone Who Is Unduly Tan. I Do Not, However, Go Around Enacting Legislation And Putting Up Signs.

I've Never Had The Experience Of Being Edited And Never Will.

They Know You Can't Get People To Stop Smoking, So They Develop A System Of Informants. That's The Whole Idea Of Second-hand Smoke, You Know. Make Second-hand Smoke Dangerous And Turn Everybody Against Smokers. Then They Say You Can't Even Smoke In A Bar - A Bar! - Because Bartenders Have A Right To A Smoke-free "workspace." Ah, Bartenders, Those Health Nuts.

My Favorite Animal Is Steak.

If You Are Of The Opinion That The Contemplation Of Suicide Is Sufficient Evidence Of A Poetic Nature, Do Not Forget That Actions Speak Louder Than Words.

There Is Nothing More Mine Than My Writing, Nothing I'm More Proprietary About.

The 3 Questions Of Greatest Concern Are:, 1) Is It Attractive?, 2) Is It Amusing?, 3) Does It Know Its Place?

I Woke Up At Five O'clock In The Morning With The Whole First Paragraph In My Head. Now, This Just Shows What A Slothful Person I Am: I Tried To Go Back To Sleep.

Cheese That Is Required By Law To Append The Word Food To Its Title Does Not Go Well With Red Wine Or Fruit.

Modern Science Was Largely Conceived Of As An Answer To The Servant Problem And ... It Is Generally Practiced By Those Who Lack A Flair For Conversation.

New York City Is Filled With The Same Kind Of People I Left New Jersey To Get Away From.

I Doubt There's Ever Been A True Thing Said On Fox. Maybe The Weather Report, Maybe Not.

Your Life Story Would Not Make A Good Book. Don't Even Try.

One Of The Biggest Changes In My Lifetime, Is The Phenomenon Of Men Wearing Shorts. Men Never Wore Shorts When I Was Young. This Is One Of The Worst Changes, By Far. It's Disgusting. To Have To Sit Next To Grown Men On The Subway In The Summer, And They're Wearing Shorts? They Look Ridiculous, Like Children, And I Can't Take Them Seriously. My Fashion Advice, Particularly To Men Wearing Shorts: Ask Yourself, 'could I Make A Living Modeling These Shorts?' If The Answer Is No, Then Change Your Clothes. Put On A Pair Of Pants.

There's No Such Thing As Advice To The Lovelorn. If They Took Advice, They Wouldn't Be Lovelorn.

I'd Like To Decide Who Comes Here. I'd Like To Be The Admissions Director Of New York.

It Is, In Fact, Safe To Assume That, More Often Than Not, Life Imitates Craft, For Who Among Us Can Say That Our Experience Does Not More Closely Resemble A Macramé Plant Holder Than It Does A Painting By Seurat. When It Comes To Art, Life Is The Biggest Copycat In The Matter Of The Frame.

There Are Some Short Essays That Are Very Grave, And Most Contemporary Novels Are Lighter Than Air.

I'm Such A Slow Writer I Have No Need For Anything As Fast As A Word Processor. I Don't Need Anything So Snappy. I Write So Slowly That I Could Write In My Own Blood Without Hurting Myself.

In New York, People Are Very Overbooked.you Say, When Do You Want To Have Dinner? It's May. They Say, What About October? And Then They Complain: Oh You Can't Believe How Booked Up I Am.

Cold Soup Is A Very Tricky Thing And It Is A Rare Hostess Who Can Carry It Off. More Often Than Not The Dinner Guest Is Left With The Impression That Had He Only Come A Little Earlier He Could Have Gotten It While It Was Still Hot.

Things That People Will Say To Me, Mostly, Is That You Shouldn't Have All These Books. It's Too Expensive.

Abandon The Search For Truth; Settle For A Good Fantasy

What's The Point Of Being Young If You're Not Going To Make New Things, I Wonder?

Any Child Who Cannot Do Long Division By Himself Does Not Deserve To Smoke.

To Me, O'hara Is The Real Fitzgerald.

Never Relinquish Clothing To A Hotel Valet Without First Specifically Telling Him That You Want It Back.

When I Was Young, I Liked Romance. But To Me, Romance Is The Opposite Of Domestic Life. I Just Don't Want Anyone In The Apartment, Not For Longer Than A Few Hours.

There Were A Zillion Bad Jobs. That Doesn't Exist Any More. I Mean, I Could Wake Up One Afternoon With Zero Money And Know That By The End Of The Day, I Would Have Money.

No One I Knew Talked About Money. It's Not An Area Of Interest.

Middle Class Was Defined By Having Certain Values And Only A Certain Amount Of Money. But This New Middle Class Seems To Have Absolutely No Values And An Unlimited Amount Of Money.

Do Not Elicit Your Child's Political Opinions. He Doesn't Know Any More Than You Do.

Political Opinions

All The Time I'm Not Writing I Feel Like A Criminal. It's Horrible To Feel Felonious Every Second Of The Day. It's Much More Relaxing To Actually Write.

Original Thought Is Like Original Sin: Both Happened Before You Were Born To People You Could Not Have Possibly Met.

Original Thought

Perhaps The Least Cheering Statement Ever Made On The Subject Of Art Is That Life Imitates It.

Smoking Is The Great Romance Of My Lifetime. If I Could Find Someone I Wanted Forty-five Times A Day, Perhaps I Could Stop.

What Starts Love Is Your Ability To Stupefy And Blind Yourself To The Point Of Being Able To Fall In Love. What Stops It Is Waking Up.

Rome Is A Very Loony City In Every Respect. One Needs But Spend An Hour Or Two There To Realize That Fellini Makes Documentaries.

Being A Woman Is Of Special Interest Only To Aspiring Male Transsexuals. To Actual Women, It Is Simply A Good Excuse Not To Play Football.

I Think One Manifestation Of Integrity Is Holding A Grudge. Saying No Is A Little Different. Holding A Grudge Is The Modern Equivalent Of Having Standards.

There Is One Thing That Has Disappeared, Not Just From The U.s. But From The Entire World, Is The Idea Of Ever Being Embarrassed By Anything.

Without These Tourists, New York Would Be Fantastic. I Don't Want Them To Come. Stay Home!

When I Was Young, Boys Didn't Type.

If You Are Truly Serious Abut Preparing Your Child For The Future, Don't Teach Him To Subtract Teach Him To Deduct.

Favorite Animal: Steak.

My Dream Writing Room Would Be The Imperial Library In Vienna.

If You Are A Dog And Your Owner Suggests That You Wear A Sweater Suggest That He Wear A Tail.

Contrary To What Many Of You May Imagine, A Career In Letters Is Not Without Its Drawbacks - Chief Among Them The Unpleasant Fact That One Is Frequently Called Upon To Sit Down And Write.

The Most Common Error Made In Matters Of Appearance Is The Belief That One Should Disdain The Superficial And Let The True Beauty Of One's Soul Shine Through. If There Are Places On Your Body Where This Is A Possibility, You Are Not Attractive - You Are Leaking.

The Effect Of Aids Was Like A War In A Minute Country. Like, In World War I, A Whole Generation Of Englishmen Died All At Once. And With Aids, A Whole Generation Of Gay Men Died Practically All At Once, Within A Couple Of Years.

Even If People Aren't Republicans, It Doesn't Seem Shocking To Them That Ronald Reagan Was The President. Well Of Course, Because Arnold Schwarzenegger Was The Governor! This Is Not Only A Bar Too Low, This Is No Bar At All. I Don't Care Who You Are, You Know 20 People Smarter Than Ronald Reagan. You Know 20 People Who Would Be A Better President Than Ronald Reagan.

Bread That Must Be Sliced With An Axe Is Bread That Is Too Nourishing.

Being Offended Is A Natural Consequence Of Leaving The House.

I Wouldn't Say That I Dislike The Young. I'm Simply Not A Fan Of Naïveté.

People Are Constantly Telling Me, Whether They Are Friends Who Feel Sorry For Me, Because I Can't Find A Place To Live, Or Real Estate Agents, "you Can't Afford An Apartment The Size You Need With This Many Books. Why Don't You Just Put Some Of Your Books In Storage?" And I Always Say The Same Thing: "what If I Told You I Had Four Children? Would You Say, 'you Just Can't Afford To House Four Children. Why Don't You Just Put Two Of Them In Storage?'" That's How I Feel.

It Is Imperative When Flying Coach That You Restrain Any Tendency Toward The Vividly Imaginative. For Although It May Momentarily Appear To Be The Case, It Is Not At All Likely That The Cabin Is Entirely Inhabited By Crying Babies Smoking Inexpensive Domestic Cigars.

By The Time Everyone Catches Up With You, You're Bored.

Remember This: No Matter How Politely Or Distinctly You Ask A Parisian A Question He Will Persist In Answering You In French.

I Believe In Talent. I Know You're Not Supposed To Believe In That Anymore Because You're Supposed To Believe If You Just Work Hard You Can Do Anything. That's How You Succeed, Maybe. But Talent Is Something You're Born With. You Cannot Acquire It By Working Hard, And You Cannot Lose It By Lying Around Either.

I Could Not Possibly Be In A Relationship Now For More Than Six Days. When I Was Younger, I Might Have Said Six Months, Although I Think The Longest Relationship I Was Ever In Was Three Years.

Because Of The Internet Everybody Sees The Same Stuff. You Can Buy The Clothes Of New York, Even If You're Not Living There. So I Think That The Accessibility, In This Case, Drives Buying Choices More Than Anything Else.

There Are Too Many Books. The Books Are Terrible. And This Is Because You Have Been Taught To Have Self-esteem.

There Are Certain Relationships I Think I'm Great At: I'm The World's Greatest Daughter. I'm A Great Relative. I Believe I'm A Great Friend.

Whenever I Am Doing Anything Else, Which Is Most Of The Time, Even If It Is Not Something Like Robbing A Bank, I Feel Felonious. Writing Is What I'm Supposed To Be Doing.

Special-interest Publications Should Realize That If They Are Attracting Enough Advertising And Readers To Make A Profit, The Interest Is Not So Special.

If, While Watching The Sun Set On A Used-car Lot In Los Angeles, You Are Struck By The Parallels Between This Image And The Inevitable Fate Of Humanity, Do Not, Under Any Circumstances, Write It Down.

Albert Einstein Didn't Care Where He Lived. Albert Einstein Was A Genius. Albert Einstein Wasn't Getting Lost In The Master Bedroom, He Was Lost In Thought.

Notoriously Insensitive To Subtle Shifts In Mood, Children Will Persist In Discussing The Color Of A Recently Sighted Cement-mixer Long After One's Own Interest In The Topic Has Waned.

To Put It Rather Bluntly, I Am Not The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Land; I Am The Type Who Wants To Go Back To The Hotel.

As A Teenager You Are At The Last Stage In Your Life When You Will Be Happy To Hear That The Phone Is For You.

Contrary To Popular Opinion, The Hustle Is Not A New Dance Step - It Is An Old Business Procedure.

When It Comes To Sports I Am Not Particularly Interested. Generally Speaking, I Look Upon Them As Dangerous And Tiring Activities Performed By People With Whom I Share Nothing Except The Right To Trial By Jury.

Smoking Is, If Not My Life, Then At Least My Hobby. I Love To Smoke. Smoking Is Fun. Smoking Is Cool. Smoking Is, As Far As I Am Concerned, The Entire Point Of Being An Adult.

I Just Can't Smile At People For Money.

A Salad Is Not A Meal, It Is A Style.

Communism Requires Of Its Adherents That They Arise Early And Participate In A Strenuous Round Of Calisthenics. To Someone Who Wishes That Cigarettes Came Already Lit The Thought Of Such Exertion At An Hour When Decent People Are Just Nodding Off Is Thoroughly Abhorrent.

Nothing Succeeds Like Address.

I Hate Academic Mysteries. As Soon As I Come Across The Word 'don' And It's Not Someone's First Name, I Close The Book.

Generally Speaking, It Is Inhumane To Detain A Fleeting Insight.

When You Reach A Certain Age, Suddenly There Are Lots Of People Younger Than You, Which Is Really Startling.

What People Don't Know Is: Clothes Don't Really Fit You Unless They're Made For You. Especially When You Wear Men's Clothes, Like I Do. American Women Think That Clothes Fit Them If They Can Fit Into Them. But That's Not At All What Fit Means.

One Of The Big Mistakes They Made In Europe Is That The Circumstances In Which You Most Frequently Read Or Hear The Word "race" Or "racism" In Europe Applies To Muslims. Which Is Not A Race. It Is A Religion. You Can Convert To This. You Cannot Convert Your Race. I Could Become A Muslim. I Could Not Become A Chinese Person Or A Black Person. So They Constantly Use That In Europe.

Forcing People Into A Situation Where They're Supposed To Adore Each Other Is Probably Bad. But Letting People Get On And Off The 6 Train Without Stabbing Each Other, That's Good.

You Sit Or Stand In The Subway, And You Look Around - I Do, Because I Don't Have A Phone So I'm Not Playing A Game - And You See People.

There Are Two Modes Of Transport In Los Angeles: Car And Ambulance. Visitors Who Wish To Remain Inconspicuous Are Advised To Choose The Latter

Should You Be A Teenager Blessed With Uncommon Good Looks, Document This State Of Affairs By The Taking Of Photographs. It Is The Only Way Anyone Will Ever Believe You In Years To Come.

The Best Fame Is A Writer's Fame. It's Enough To Get A Table At A Good Restaurant, But Not Enough To Get You Interrupted When You Eat.

I Stopped Taking Drugs When I Was 19, And Who Wants To Drive A Cab Around New York With Drugs In Their Car?

A Woman's Quest In Life Should Be To Find The Perfect Apartment. And I Have Found The Perfect Apartment. The Perfect Apartment Is The First Floor Of The Metropolitan Museum. With A Sofa.

While Clothes With Pictures And/or Writing On Them Are Not Entirely An Invention Of The Modern Age, They Are An Unpleasant Indication Of The General State Of Things. ... I Mean, Be Realistic. If People Don't Want To Listen To You, What Makes You Think They Want To Hear From Your Sweater?

The First Step In Having Any Successful War Is Getting People To Fight It.

Commercials And Sometimes Other Guests - It's The Down Side Of Tv. Other People - It's The Downside Of Life In General.

I Always Make A Big Effort To Make A Distinction Between What Is Actually Worse Or What Is Just Worse About Not Being 21. Of Course, It's Much Worse Not To Be 21. This Is A Given. But There Are Things That Are Worse.

You Can't Go Around Hoping That Most People Have Sterling Moral Characters. The Most You Can Hope For Is That People Will Pretend That They Do.

New York's Not Exactly Antiseptic. It Could Be Clean And Less Dangerous, And Not Horrible, Not Under A Tidal Wave Of Tourists.

All God's Children Are Not Beautiful. Most Of God's Children Are, In Fact, Barely Presentable.

I Believe In Talking Behind Peoples' Backs. That Way, They Hear It More Than Once.

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Not As Great As You Might Imagine. You Need Not Supply The World With The Next Conqueror Of Disease Or Major Motion Picture Star. If Your Child Simply Grows Up To Be Someone Who Does Not Use The Word "collectible" As A Noun, You Can Consider Yourself An Unqualified Success.

Science Has Done Absolutely Nothing About Noise. The Worst Design Flaw In The Human Body Is That You Can't Close Your Ears. The Reason You Can't Close Your Ears Is, If A Lion Was Coming, You Had To Wake Up. Today No Lions Are Coming. Beeping Trucks Are Coming. I Read The Other Day That The Guy Who Invented The Beep When Trucks Go Backward, He Died. I Thought: Of Course - He Dies, I Have To Listen To It.

The Good Thing About Being In Someone Else's Apartment Is It's So Much Easier To Leave Than It Is To Get Someone Out.

Not Writing Is Probably The Most Exhausting Profession I've Ever Encountered.

I Have A Hard Time Writing. Most Writers Have A Hard Time Writing. I Have A Harder Time Than Most Because I'm Lazier Than Most. I Don't Want To Brag, But I'm The Laziest Person I Have Ever Known.

Inhabitants Of Underdeveloped Nations And Victims Of Natural Disasters Are The Only People Who Have Ever Been Happy To See Soybeans.

People Have Been Cooking And Eating For Thousands Of Years, So If You Are The Very First To Have Thought Of Adding Fresh Lime Juice To Scalloped Potatoes Try To Understand That There Must Be A Reason For This.

Ever Since I Was A Little Child, I Refused To See Movies Of Books That I Loved. Because You Already Know What Heidi Looks Like And She Doesn't Look Like Shirley Temple.

Romantic Love Is Mental Illness. But It's A Pleasurable One.

My Desire To Curtail Undue Freedom Of Speech Extends Only To Such Public Areas As Restaurants, Airports, Streets, Hotel Lobbies, Parks, And Department Stores. Verbal Exchanges Between Consenting Adults In Private Are As Of Little Interest To Me As They Probably Are To Them.

Freedom Of Speech

[friendships] Are Easy To Get Out Of Compared To Love Affairs, But They Are Not Easy To Get Out Of Compared To, Say, Jail.

Anti-smoking Sentiment Has Replaced Middle-class Morality Entirely. The Smoker Has Taken The Place Of The Homosexual. Today You Hear People Say Things About Smokers That Used To Be Said About Homosexuals - They Pollute The Environment; You Don't Want Them Around Your Children.

Donald Trump Is Not My Fault. You Can Blame Certain Things On Me, But Not Donald Trump.

I Have Always Preferred The Company Of Older People. No One In The History Of The World Has Had Less Interest In The Young Than I Do. I Am Not Interested In What Young People Are Thinking. They're Thinking Less Than Old People, Of Course. I Mean, What Could They Be Thinking? And What Are They Doing? They're Doing The Same Stupid Things You Did.

When People Say, 'doesn't Gloria [vanderbilt] Look Great? She's 85.' I Say, 'yes, She Was A Raving Beauty When She Was 20,' That's The Key. Very Helpful.

Large, Naked, Raw Carrots Are Acceptable As Food Only To Those Who Live In Hutches Eagerly Awaiting Easter.

...i Believed Passionately That Communists Were A Race Of Horned Men Who Divided Their Time Equally Between The Burning Of Nancy Drew Books And The Devising Of A Plan Of Nuclear Attack That Would Land The Largest And Most Lethal Bomb Squarely Upon The Third-grade Class Of Thomas Jefferson School In Morristown, New Jersey.

Breakfast Cereals That Come In The Same Colors As Polyester Leisure Suits Make Oversleeping A Virtue.

That I Am Totally Devoid Of Sympathy For, Or Interest In, The World Of Groups Is Directly Attributable To The Fact That My Two Greatest Needs And Desires - Smoking Cigarettes And Plotting Revenge - Are Basically Solitary Pursuits.

Even When Freshly Washed And Relieved Of All Obvious Confections, Children Tend To Be Sticky.

I Love Sleep Because It Is Both Pleasant And Safe To Use. Pleasant Because One Is In The Best Possible Company And Safe Because Sleep Is The Consummate Protection Against The Unseemliness That Is The Invariable Consequence Of Being Awake. What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You. Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

If You Want To Get Ahead In This World Get A Lawyer -- Not A Book.

I Place A High Moral Value On The Way People Behave. I Find It Repellent To Have A Lot, And To Behave With Anything Other Than Courtesy In The Old Sense Of The Word - Politeness Of The Heart, A Gentleness Of The Spirit.

Sleep Is Death Without The Responsibility.

Violet Will Be A Good Color For Hair At Just About The Same Time That Brunette Becomes A Good Color For Flowers.

When You Leave New York, You Are Astonished At How Clean The Rest Of The World Is. Clean Is Not Enough.

In Conversation You Can Use Timing, A Look, An Inflection. But On The Page All You Have Is Commas, Dashes, The Amount Of Syllables In A Word. When I Write, I Read Everything Out Loud To Get The Right Rhythm.

People (a Group That In My Opinion Has Always Attracted An Undue Amount Of Attention) Have Often Been Likened To Snowflakes. This Analogy Is Meant To Suggest That Each Is Unique - No Two Alike. This Is Quite Patently Not The Case. People, Even At The Current Rate Of Inflation - In Fact, People Especially At The Current Rate Of Inflation - Are Quite Simply A Dime A Dozen. And, I Hasten To Add, Their Only Similarity To Snowflakes Resides In Their Invariably And Lamentable Tendency To Turn, After A Few Warm Days, To Slush.

The Word Lady: Most Often Used To Describe Someone You Wouldn't Want To Talk To For Even Five Minutes.

Do Not Have Your Child's Hair Cut By A Real Hairdresser In A Real Hairdressing Salon. He Is, At This Point, Far Too Short To Be Exposed To Contempt.

People Care More About Trends Now Than They Do About Style. They Get So Wrapped Up In What's Happening That They Forget How To Dress, And They Never Learn Who They Are Because They Never Learn How To Take Care Of Anything.

I Always Liked People Who Are Older. Of Course, Every Year It Gets Harder To Find Them.

If In Addition To Being Physically Unattractive You Find That You Do Not Get Along Well With Others, Do Not Under Any Circumstances Attempt To Alleviate This Situation By Developing An Interesting Personality. An Interesting Personality, Is, In An Adult, Insufferable. In A Teenager It Is Frequently Punishable By Law.

People Who Get Married Because They're In Love Make A Ridiculous Mistake. It Makes Much More Sense To Marry Your Best Friend. You Like Your Best Friend More Than Anyone You're Ever Going To Be In Love With. You Dont Choose Your Best Friend Because They Have A Cute Nose.

I Used To Buy All My Shirts At Brooks Brothers, But That Was Completely Ruined About 20 Years Ago. They Discontinued The Shirt I Liked. If I Had Only Known This - I Mean, If You're Going To Discontinue An Item That Thousands And Thousands Of People Buy, Announce It. Say, 'we Will No Longer Be Making Our Excellent Brooks Brothers Cotton Shirts That We Made For 5,000 Years. We're Going To Change Them In Some Awful Way. We're Alerting You So You Can Buy A Lifetime Supply.' Shirts Don't Go Bad, They're Not Peaches.

I Hate All Jobs. I've Never Had A Job I Liked.

It's Very Disheartening To Encounter A Fearful Twenty-one Year Old. They Haven't Earned The Right To Be That Afraid. It's Not Like We're Living In War-torn Bosnia Or Something.

New Yorkers, We've Seen Donald Trump For, Like, 30 Years; We Know Who He Is. So He Wasn't A Surprise To Me.

If People Don't Hold Grudges, It Means They Just Don't Care What People Do.

Most Writers Write Too Much. I Have The Exact Opposite Problem. I Feel I Could Write Almost Anything In A Paragraph. I Have A Natural Ability To Condense, And So I Often Think, "are You Kidding Me? Five Thousand Words? How Am I Gonna Make 5,000 Words Out Of That?"

Randomness Scares People. Religion Is A Way To Explain Randomness.

Girls Who Put Out Are Tramps. Girls Who Don't Are Ladies. This Is, However, A Rather Archaic Usage Of The Word. Should One Of You Boys Happen Upon A Girl Who Doesn't Put Out, Do Not Jump To The Conclusion That You Have Found A Lady. What You Have Probably Found Is A Lesbian.

I Drove A Cab. But All The Girls I Knew When I Was Young Who Had To Work - There Were Rich Girls - But The Ones Who Had To Work Were Waitresses. Because You Could Always Get Shifts In A Restaurant.

Do Not Approach With Anything Even Resembling Assurance A Restaurant That Moves.

Japanese Food Is Very Pretty And Undoubtedly A Suitable Cuisine In Japan, Which Is Largely Populated By People Of Below Average Size. Hostesses Hell-bent On Serving Such Food To Occidentals Would Be Well Advised To Supplement It With Something More Substantial And To Keep In Mind That Almost Everybody Likes French Fries.

Presently It Appears That People Are Mainly Concerned With Being Well Rested. Those Capable Of Uninterrupted Sleep Are Much Admired. Unconsciousness Is In Great Demand. This Is The Day Of The Milligram.

Communists All Seem To Wear Small Caps, A Look I Consider Better Suited To Tubes Of Toothpaste Than To People.

Food Is An Important Part Of A Balanced Diet.

The Main Symptom Of Falling In Love Is That You Lose Your Intellectual Prowess.

Falling In Love

Food Is Definitely Important Part Of Your Balanced Diet.

I Happen To Love A Good Run Almost As Much As Sex. Like Sex, There Are Often Times I Don't Think I'm Interested Until I'm Into It. Unlike Sex, I Do Have To Get Out Of Bed And Into The Elements. I Hate Leaving Bed.

Should Novels Generally Be 600 Pages? No, They Should Not. Half Of Writing, Maybe 3/4 Of Writing, Is Editing. This Seems To Be A Thing That Has Not Gotten Through To Them. It's My Impression That You Could Get Rid Of Half Of Most Of These Books. These People Are Not Good Enough To Be This Long, But They're Apparently Also Not Good Enough To Be Shorter.

If Food Did Not Exist It Would Be Well-nigh Impossible To Get Certain Types Off The Phone, As One Would Be Unable To Say, 'look, I've Got To Run But Let's Have Dinner Sometime Soon.'

The Theater Itself Is So Archaic And Old Fashioned, That It Doesn't Really Matter To Me Whether It's On Avenue D Or At The Helen Hayes Theater. What's The Difference? It's Still A Very Nostalgic Form. Also, It Means You're Knowingly Walking Into A Room Where There's Actors. I Feel It's Very Embarrassing. Because, You Know, They're Right There. You Always Think Like, They Can See You, And I Think It's Mortifying, Frankly, And I Hate To Sit Near The Front, Where You Feel They Actually Might See You. It's Too ... It's Too Live.

I Love Sleep Because It Is Both Pleasant And Safe To Use.

No Animal Should Ever Jump Up On The Dining-room Furniture Unless Absolutely Certain That He Can Hold His Own In The Conversation.

The Other Day I Read That Last Year 58 Million Tourists Came To New York ... Where A Puny Eight Million People Are Trying To Live. Unless They Own A Hotel Chain, I Don't Think A Single One Of These Eight Million People Are Happy About This.

If You Can Stay In Love For More Than Two Years, You're On Something.

Designer Clothes Worn By Children Are Like Snowsuits Worn By Adults. Few Can Carry It Off Successfully.

Designer Clothes

I, Unfortunately, Take The Subway A Lot. It's Not My Preference, But It Is My Lot In Life.

I Am A New Yorker. I Like New York. And I Like Cities. And It's Not My Desire To Make New York More Suburban. I Would Personally Just Like To Vet Each Person.

Your Responsibility As A Parent Is Never Great As The Case Is With The Mother.

Because I Was Young, I Had This Long Hair, And People Used To Try To Tip Me With Joints.

Never Judge A Cover By Its Book.

I Love Being In Love. I Don't Think Anything Compares With It, Though I Consider It Very Disruptive.

Spilling Your Guts Is Just Exactly As Charming As It Sounds.

I Never Wanted To Have Any Extra Money, If It Meant Having To Have Any Extra Work.

The Thing You Love Right Away, Don't Do It, Because That's The Very Thing That's Going To Be Your Addiction For The Rest Of Your Life.

Rest Of Your Life

Things You Love

The Terrible State Of Public Education Has Paid Huge Dividends In Ignorance. Huge. We Now Have A Country That Can Be Told Blatant Lies - Easily Checkable, Blatant Lies - And I'm Not Talking About The Covert Workings Of The Cia. When We Have A Terrorist Attack, On September 11, 2001 With 19 Men - 15 Of Them Are Saudis - And Five Minutes Later The Whole Country Thinks They're From Iraq - How Can You Have Faith In The Public? This Is An Easily Checkable Fact. The Whole Country Is Like The O.j. Simpson Jurors.

I Had To Go On Tv With The President Of The Catholic League, Which Is Not An Official Organization At All, Just A Lot Of Catholics, Or Maybe It's Just This Guy. He Demanded To De-fund Art Completely And Argued That Taxpayers Should Not Pay For It. I Said People Who Represent The Catholic Church Shouldn't Talk About Taxes.

I Have A Real Aversion To Machines. I Write With A Pen. Then I Read It To Someone Who Writes It Onto The Computer. What Are Those Computer Letters Made Of Anyway? Light? Too Insubstantial. Paper, You Can Feel It. A Pen. There's A Connection. A Pen Goes Exactly At Your Speed, Whereas That Machine Jumps. And Then, That Machine Is Waiting For You, Just Humming "uh-huh, Yes?

To Me, The Main Difference Between Young People Now And The People I Was Young With Isn't So Much Style, It's The Relationships They Have With Their Parents. Their Parents Like Them Much More Than Ours Liked Us. Our Parents Weren't Our Friends. But Now I See My Friends On The Phones With Their, What, 30 - Year - Old Kids? And They're Talking About Feelings.

Did It Ever Occur To Anyone That If You Put Nice Libraries In Public Schools You Wouldn't Have To Put Them In Prisons?

Success Didn't Spoil Me, I've Always Been Insufferable.

When Toni Morrison Said 'write The Book You Want To Read,' She Didn't Mean Everybody.

Polite Conversation Is Rarely Either.

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Juan Ramon Jimenez

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