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When I First Came Out, I Thought, I Want To Walk Like A Real Woman, I Don't Want To Do Mincing Steps. And There Was Some Girl I Saw Walking Up Holloway Road In Islington Who Had This Long Languid Walk And I Thought, That's What I Like, So I Incorporated Her Walk Into Mine.

-Eddie Izzard

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When I First Came

Eddie Izzard

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When I First Came Out, I Thought, I Want To Walk Like A Real Woman, I Don't Want To Do Mincing Steps. And There Was Some Girl I Saw Walking Up Holloway Road In Islington Who Had This Long Languid Walk And I Thought, That's What I Like, So I Incorporated Her Walk Into Mine.

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I Don't Believe That Competitions Are Important.

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I Don't Subscribe To The Theory That All Politicians Are Crap. I Think The 'cool People' Often Take That Position.

I'm A Dyslexic Person, So I Avoid Books.

But With Dogs, We Do Have "bad Dog." Bad Dog Exists. "bad Dog! Bad Dog! Stole A Biscuit, Bad Dog!" The Dog Is Saying, "who Are You To Judge Me? You Human Beings Who’ve Had Genocide, War Against People Of Different Creeds, Colors, Religions, And I Stole A Biscuit?! Is That A Crime? People Of The World!" "well, If You Put It That Way, I Think You’ve Got A Point. Have Another Biscuit, Sorry.

When You're Coming Out, You Have To Deal With The Whole World Saying 'oh! You're An Abominable Snowman'.

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It's Not A Bloody Piano, It's A Clarenart...you Weird Talking Person.

The Death Star Is Just Full Of British Actors Opening Doors And Going,oh... I... Oh... What Is It Lieutenant Sebastian? It's Just The Rebels, Sir... They're Here. My God, Man! Do They Want Tea? No, I Think They're After Something A Bit More Than That, Sir. I Don't Know What It Is, But They've Brought A Flag. Damn, That's Dash Cunning Of Them.

I Did Bronze Survival Swimming. I Could Save People In A Bronzey Kind Of Way.

The Pope Is Guarded By The Swiss Guard Who Stand Proudly In Pajamas And Silly Hats.

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People Still Talk About A British Sense Of Humour, Or French Slapstick Or How The Germans Have No Sense Of Humour - And It's Just Rubbish. I Do Strongly Feel That We Are All The Bloody Same.

Most Transvestites Fancy Girls.

There's Not Much Makeup In The Army, Is There? No. They Only Have That Nighttime Look, And That's A Bit Slapdash, Isn't It?

But The Dutch Speak Four Languages And Smoke Marijuana!

He [charlie Chaplin] Was Always Playing As If It Were To The Camera, If You've Seen The Live Shots Of Him When He's Going To An Opening Night Or Something Like That. And The Skills That He Had Were Beyond My Ability To Throw Together. You Just Couldn't Really Compete With Him. He Was Too Athletic At That.

I've Wiped The File? .... I've Wiped All The Files? .... I've Wiped The Internet? I Don't Even Have A Modem!

I Use A Bruce Lee Technique: "the Way Of No Way". He Had The Idea That He Would Learn Everything, So That Whoever He Had To Fight, He Could Improvise Anything. The Best Way Of Starting A Gig Is Just To Not Think Of Anything - To Clear Your Mind, Not In An Empty Zen State, But More Just To Go On And See Where You Go.

I Remember When I Was Being Told About Watergate, And I Thought, "oh, America Is Not What I Think America Is." But America Is What I Think It Is. It's Just That It's Two Bits Of It, And I Don't Go With The Republican Bit Of It. I Go More With The Democratic Bit.

Your Eyes Flashed Fire Into My Soul. I Immediately Read The Words Of Dostoyevsky And Karl Marx, And In The Words Of Albert Schweitzer, I Fancy You!

In The Uk A Lot Of People Don't Like To Try. There's A Different Cultural Thing. Here [in Usa] If You Try And Fail, You Get Up Again And Start Again And Keep Going. People Respect You For It. Even If You Keep Failing, They Respect The Tenacity.

There Was No Religion In My Life Growing Up. Did God Invent Us Or Did We Invent God?

Comedy Is Like A Very Cokey, Druggy Sugar. You Get Hits Of Comedy, And It's Very, "more, Give Me More Of That Stuff," Because Serotonin Is Being Released In The Brain. So It's Basically, Everyone Becomes Serotonin Junkies, And We Are Serotonin Dealers. And That's What Being A Comedian Is About.

I'm An Action Transvestite Really, So It's Running, Jumping, Climbing Trees Putting On Make-up When You're Up There!

It's A Historical Thing, Up To The 19th Century The English Hated The French. Then In The 20th Century The English Started To Hate The Germans - As We Began To Move Alphabetically Through The Map Of The World. Now, The Year 2000, We Are Fine With The Germans... But The Hungarians Are Pissing Us Off.

They’re Not Women’s Clothes. They’re My Clothes. I Bought Them.

I Don't Believe In God. I Believe Gods And Devils Are Within Us. It's Our Own Battle. Our Life's Battle Is To Appeal To The Gods Within Us, And To Fight The Devils Within Us.

I've Done A Bit Of Latin In My Time...but I Can Control It.

San Francisco! City Of Dreaming Spires, People Live Here... Golden Gate Bridge, Ahh The Romans Came Here.

Makeup's Just Crazy, Anyways. Native Americans Used To Wear It, And It Did All Right For Them Until, Uh ... Well, Until You Killed Them All, I Suppose.

Native American

The Bottom Line Of Comedy Is To Be Funny, And The Bottom Line Of Drama Is To Be Truthful. You Can Be Truthful And Funny, But If You're Not Truthful In A Drama Than The Audience Leaves You.

I Want To Live Till I Die. No More, No Less.

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But Puberty Was... Well, Before Puberty, At School, I Didn't Tell Kids I Was A Transvestite 'cause I Thought They Might Kill Me With Sticks, You Know?

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Never Put A Sock In A Toaster.

For Me To Put A Look Together, If It's Going To Be A Boy Look Or A Girl Look Or Whatever, Is Quite A Tricky Thing To Do. I'm Not Doing Drag Because Drag Is Seen In A Certain Way And My Comedy Has Got Zero To Do With What I'm Wearing. I Could Wear An Elephant Suit And Say The Same Thing.

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You're Gay, You Sell Books... You Probably Shag The Books.

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If You Get Anything Creative Going, Then The Work And Play Thing Is The Same Thing, I Feel.

We Will Now Sing Forth, Hymn 405, 'oh God, What On Earth Is My Hairdo All About?

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I'm Working On A Speed Boat At The Moment. Much More Exciting. It'll Really Kick Ass, Give Great Photographs For The People In Bible.

I'm An Action Transvestite.

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I Am A Professional Transvestite, So I Can Run About In Heels And Not Fall Over.

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If You Think About Determination, If People Have A Heart And Are Determined, They Can Get To That Place. But There Are A Lot Of Negative People Who Were Enormously Determined. All The Nazis Were Determined. They Wanted To Murder Everyone. Everyone With A Bad Heart, Who Doesn't Care About People, I Wish They Hadn't Started.

If You've Never Seen An Elephant Ski, Then You've Never Been On Acid.

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Boy Bands Should Be Exploded From A Great Height. They're Just Pretty People Singing Music Written By Others.

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Everyone Gets Cards At The Beginning Of Life. I Am Transgender, I Decided To Be Honest And Tell Everyone About It, And That's It.

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Charles Darwin Wrote A Famous Book In 18 [gibberish]. And That Book Was An Interesting Book, Cuz It Was Called "monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-you".

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When I First Came Out, I Thought, I Want To Walk Like A Real Woman, I Don't Want To Do Mincing Steps. And There Was Some Girl I Saw Walking Up Holloway Road In Islington Who Had This Long Languid Walk And I Thought, That's What I Like, So I Incorporated Her Walk Into Mine.

I Wanted To Be Less Well-known In Comedy.

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You Can't Land On The Moon And Say, "ooh, It's All Sticky! It's Covered In Jam!

You Have No Control Over Your Cat! You Can't Say To Your Cat, "cat, Heel! Stay! Wait! Lie Down! Roll Over!" 'cause The Cat's Just Gonna Be Sitting There Going, "interesting Words ... Have You Finished?" While You're Shouting All This To Your Cat, Your Dog's Next To You, Going ... [mimes Obeying All Commands] "what The Hell Are You Doing? I'm Talking To The Cat!" "oh, I'm Sorry!"

Cause Jesus I Do Think Did Exist, And He Was, I Think, A Guy Who Had Interesting Ideas In The Gandhi-type Area, In The Nelson Mandela-type Area, You Know, Relaxed And Groovy; And The Romans Thought, Relaxed And Groovy?! No, No, No, No, No! So They Murdered Him. And Kids Eat Chocolate Eggs, Because Of The Color Of The Chocolate, And The Color Of The... Wood On The Cross. Well, You Tell Me! It's Got Nothing To Do With It, Has It?

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I'm Into Humanity. I Don't Believe In God, But I Believe In Human Beings.

Scrabble Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia. This Is True, They Proved This One. The Word Dyslexia Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia.

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If There Is A God

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America Is The New Roman Empire. Remember What Happened To Rome.

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I Am Two Lesbians In A Man's Body.

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I Grew Up In Europe, Where The History Comes From.

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They Say That 'guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People.' Well I Think The Gun Helps. If You Just Stood There And Yelled Bang, I Don't Think You'd Kill Too Many People.

So The American Government Lied To The Native Americans For Many, Many Years, And Then President Clinton Lied About A Relationship, And Everyone Was Surprised! A Little Naive, I Feel!

Native American

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Animals In The Wild Are Lean, And I Think We Should Be Too.

There's Two Positions In Snowboarding. One Is Looking Cool And The Other Is Dead!

Racist People, Interestingly, Are Never As Polite As Smokers. Have You Noticed That? Smokers Always Go, "do You Mind If I Smoke? Oh, You Do? Okay, I'll Go Outside And Have A Cigarette."

We Stole Countries With The Cunning Use Of Flags. Just Sail Around The World And Stick A Flag In. "i Claim India For Britain!" They're Going "you Can't Claim Us, We Live Here! Five Hundred Million Of Us!" "do You Have A Flag …? "no..." "well, If You Don't Have A Flag, Then You Can't Have A Country. Those Are The Rules... That I Just Made Up!

Spiders Frighten Me. In Response To The Spider Alerts For Australia, Please Can The Australian Government Remove All Spiders From Australia And Blow Them Into Outer Space.

If I Were Achilles I Would Put My Foot In A F**k Off Block Of Concrete!

I Don't Believe In God. So I'm A Non-believer In The Non-visible. I'm A Believer In Us; In Humans.

How To Survive Boarding School. Do Not Express Emotion, Do Not Feel Emotion, Do Not Have Emotion. If Someone Hits You, Hit Them Back, If Someone Argues With You, Argue Back, Never Give In An Inch, Never Look Vulnerable And You Will Survive.

Someone's Killed 100,000 People. We're Almost Going, "well Done! You Killed 100,000 People? You Must Get Up Very Early In The Morning! I Can't Even Get Down The Gym. Your Diary Must Look Odd: 'get Up In The Morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death - Lunch - Death, Death, Death - Afternoon Tea - Death, Death, Death - Quick Shower ...' "

I Appreciate Your Applause, But I Don't Do It For Applause. I Do It For Cash, It's Much Better.

Cos People Think I'm On Drugs And I'm Not. I'm Really Quite... Just A Bit Of Coffee. When I Take Drugs I Start Going, Oh, Would You Like Insurance?

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