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Spiders Frighten Me. In Response To The Spider Alerts For Australia, Please Can The Australian Government Remove All Spiders From Australia And Blow Them Into Outer Space.

-Eddie Izzard

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Eddie Izzard

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Spiders Frighten Me. In Response To The Spider Alerts For Australia, Please Can The Australian Government Remove All Spiders From Australia And Blow Them Into Outer Space.

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More From Eddie Izzard

If You Get Too Well-known, You Can Never Be A Comedian's Comedian, It Just Won't Sit Well. But I'm Fine With That. I'm Fine With That Label.

I Definitely Have Breast Envy. When Teenage Girls Were Saying 'i Wish I Had Breasts', I Was Thinking The Same Thing.

No Matter How Much Makeup I Wore, People Just Kept Saying "yes, Sir! Would You Like Tea With That, Sir?" "yes, I Would Like Tea. Why Don't You Put It On My Breasts?" "certainly. Tea For This Man's Breasts! Anything Else, Sir?"

They Say The Universe Started With A Big Bang. I Hope Everybody Stood Well Back.

We Must Have Been Hunters And Gatherers But Some Of Us Were Just Waiters And Hopers.

All Humans Can Do More Than They Think They Can Do. So I Think We Can All Actually Be More Superhuman Than We Think We Can.

So The American Government Lied To The Native Americans For Many, Many Years, And Then President Clinton Lied About A Relationship, And Everyone Was Surprised! A Little Naive, I Feel!

Native American

I Don't Know What It's Like In The U.s. But Immigrants In The U.k. Do The Jobs The Citizens Won't Do.

The Pope Is Guarded By The Swiss Guard Who Stand Proudly In Pajamas And Silly Hats.

I'm An Action Transvestite Really, So It's Running, Jumping, Climbing Trees Putting On Make-up When You're Up There!

I'm Quite Good At Taking In Information So I Voraciously Inhale Wikipedia - Which May Have Some Things Wrong In It, But I Think Is Generally More Information Than We Had Before. Last Tour We Didn't Have Wikipedia. And Then Discovery Channel And History Channel. I Can Take It In And Retain What I Think Are The Most Important Facts.

If You Get Anything Creative Going, Then The Work And Play Thing Is The Same Thing, I Feel.

We Stole Countries With The Cunning Use Of Flags. Just Sail Around The World And Stick A Flag In. "i Claim India For Britain!" They're Going "you Can't Claim Us, We Live Here! Five Hundred Million Of Us!" "do You Have A Flag …? "no..." "well, If You Don't Have A Flag, Then You Can't Have A Country. Those Are The Rules... That I Just Made Up!

Because That's What Narcissism Is All About; Looking In The Mirror Everyday And Thinking 'damn, I'd Like To Shag Myself.'

I Wanted To Be Less Well-known In Comedy.

If You're A Performer, People Tend To Be Quite Positive About You Or They Have No Opinion.

Learning That You Have Stamina Is An Excellent Thing To Know. If A Project Fails, I Know I Can Pick Myself Up.

When I First Came Out, I Thought, I Want To Walk Like A Real Woman, I Don't Want To Do Mincing Steps. And There Was Some Girl I Saw Walking Up Holloway Road In Islington Who Had This Long Languid Walk And I Thought, That's What I Like, So I Incorporated Her Walk Into Mine.

So Then There Was The Greek, Socrates, He Was Great... He Invented Questioning. Before Socrates, No Questioning. Everyone Sort Of Went, ''yeah, I Suppose So.

In Stand-up It Really Helps To Play Yourself And Talk About Your Own Feelings. You Cannot Fail To Be Original If You're Just Talking About What You Think About X, Y And Z. Unless You've Got A Twin Brother Who's Also A Stand-up.

When You're More Mature, You Do Start Telling The Truth, In Odd Situations. "i'm Sorry, I've Broken A Glass Here. Is That Expensive? I'll Pay For It. I'm Sorry." And You Do That So That People In The Room Might Go, "what A Strong Personality That Person Has. I Like To Have Sex With People With Strong Personalities."

Two Languages In One Brain? No One Can Live At That Speed!

Makeup's Just Crazy, Anyways. Native Americans Used To Wear It, And It Did All Right For Them Until, Uh ... Well, Until You Killed Them All, I Suppose.

Native American

It's Not A Bloody Piano, It's A Clarenart...you Weird Talking Person.

Horseshoes Are Lucky. Horses Have Four Bits Of Lucky Nailed To Their Feet. They Should Be The Luckiest Animals In The World. They Should Rule The Country. They Should Win All Their Horse Races, At Least. 'in The Fifth Race Today, Every Single Horse Was First Equal...one Horse Threw A Shoe Came In Third...the Duck Was Ninth...and Five Ran.'

The Bottom Line Of Comedy Is To Be Funny, And The Bottom Line Of Drama Is To Be Truthful. You Can Be Truthful And Funny, But If You're Not Truthful In A Drama Than The Audience Leaves You.

I Just Believe In The Goodwill Of People, The Power Of People To Do Something Positive.

This Is A World That's Big Enough For Everyone. I Like That Message In That Comes Out Of John Lasseter, And It Comes Out Pixar, It Comes Out Of The Apple, Google, The Ben And Jerry's Thing. These Are American Companies That Send That Message Around That Is Good, That Is Healthy. And Everyone Goes, "that's The America I Always Believed In Before Watergate."

The Death Star Is Just Full Of British Actors Opening Doors And Going,oh... I... Oh... What Is It Lieutenant Sebastian? It's Just The Rebels, Sir... They're Here. My God, Man! Do They Want Tea? No, I Think They're After Something A Bit More Than That, Sir. I Don't Know What It Is, But They've Brought A Flag. Damn, That's Dash Cunning Of Them.

This Is Your Captain Speaking. Welcome Aboard Flight...one, From...here To There. We'll Be Cruising At A Height Of Ten Feet, Going Up To Twelve And A Half Feet If We See Anything Big. And Our Copilot Today Is A Flask Of Coffee.

America Is The New Roman Empire. Remember What Happened To Rome.

So In Europe, We Had Empires. Everyone Had Them - France And Spain And Britain And Turkey! The Ottoman Empire, Full Of Furniture For Some Reason. And The Austro-hungarian Empire, Famous For F-k All! Yes, All They Did Was Slowly Collapse Like A Flan In A Cupboard.

I Want To Live Till I Die. No More, No Less.

Peace, Peace, Peace. Peace Is Organized.

My Sexuality Is Straight Transvestite Or Male Lesbian. It Seems We Are Beyond The Idea That I Am Gay And Hiding It. If I Had To Describe How I Feel In My Head, I'd Say I'm A Complete Boy Plus Half A Girl. I Don't Seem To Have The Sixth Sense That Women Have Or Their Stronger Senses Of Taste And Smell. Gay Men Can Also Have It But Straight Men Don't.

My Dad Said, "as Long As You're Happy." I Used To Think It Was Kind Of A Very Simple Idea Or Philosophy Because He Wasn't Religious. But You've Got To Try And Be Happy. And If You're Not Happy, You Can't Help Anyone Else. So Obviously, Some Crazy People Could Go To Places, But I Just Think You Need To Be Content Within Yourself, So That's The Thing.

"i've Done Your Dog. It's Got Nine Eyes Down The Side, I Made His Head All Square, 15 Legs. What Do You Think Of That?" "fido Looks A Bit Weird."

I Wear Whatever I Want Whenever I Want. I Don't Call It Drag; I Don't Even Call It Cross-dressing. It's Just Wearing A Dress.

And The National Rifle Association Says That, "guns Don't Kill People, People Do," But I Think The Gun Helps, You Know? I Think It Helps. I Just Think Just Standing There Going, "bang!" "that's Not Going To Kill Too Many People, Is It? You'd Have To Be Really Dodgy On The Heart To Have That.

You Say 'erbs, And We Say Herbs Because There's A F*****g H In It!

San Francisco! City Of Dreaming Spires, People Live Here... Golden Gate Bridge, Ahh The Romans Came Here.

There Was No Religion In My Life Growing Up. Did God Invent Us Or Did We Invent God?

I Want To Be A Taxidermist! I Wanna Fill Animals With Sand. I Wanna Get More Sand Into An Animal Than Anybody Has Ever Bloody Got In One. I Wanna Fill A Rat With The Entire Gobi Desert, So It’s Really Quite Tight.

You Can't Land On The Moon And Say, "ooh, It's All Sticky! It's Covered In Jam!

Cable Cars Are Fun - Everyone Gets On Board And Becomes A Rhesus Monkey.

I Use A Bruce Lee Technique: "the Way Of No Way". He Had The Idea That He Would Learn Everything, So That Whoever He Had To Fight, He Could Improvise Anything. The Best Way Of Starting A Gig Is Just To Not Think Of Anything - To Clear Your Mind, Not In An Empty Zen State, But More Just To Go On And See Where You Go.

I'd Like To Have Sex With Myself.

Scrabble Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia.

I've Wiped The File? .... I've Wiped All The Files? .... I've Wiped The Internet? I Don't Even Have A Modem!

I'd Be Happy To Be Taken As A Woman - And That's What I Was Initially Trying To Do When I Started Throwing On Dresses And Stuff. But That Wasn't Going To Happen Because Everyone Kept Calling Me Sir. So I Thought I'd Change The Method And Just Start Wearing What I Wanted To Wear.

I Don't Subscribe To The Theory That All Politicians Are Crap. I Think The 'cool People' Often Take That Position.

I Appreciate Your Applause, But I Don't Do It For Applause. I Do It For Cash, It's Much Better.

I Am Two Lesbians In A Man's Body.

I Saw Something In A Program On Something In Miami, And They Were Saying, "we've Redecorated This Building To How It Looked Over 50 Years Ago!" And People Were Going, "no, Surely Not, No. No One Was Alive Then."

Scrabble Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia. This Is True, They Proved This One. The Word Dyslexia Was Invented By Nazis To Piss Off Kids With Dyslexia.

When I Watched Braveheart I Was In Tears And I Was Rooting For The Scottish People

Cause If You're A Transvestite, You're Actually A Male Tomboy, That's Where The Sexuality Is. Yeah, It's Not Drag Queen, No; Gay Men Have Got That Covered. This Is Male Tomboy, And People Do Get That Mixed Up, They Put Transvestite There - No No No No! Little Bit Of A Crowbar Separation, Thank You! And Gay Men, I Think, Would Agree. It's Male Lesbian, That's Really Where It Is, Ok? Because... It's True! 'cause Most Transvestites Fancy Girls, Fancy Women. So That's Where It Is.

I Am Someone Who's Very Positive About Business, As A Social Democrat. I Do Like The Safety Net Of The Welfare System And People Setting Things And Creating Business, And That's What I Try To Do With My Own Work: Export It Around The World From The U.k.

I Can Go From Blokey To Girlie In 15 Minutes And Then I'm Out The Door. But That's The Fastest I Can Do It. Becoming A Woman Takes Work.

Becoming A Woman

If You Can Be Your Own Force Of Nature And Have A Positive Heart, Then You Can Actually Do Something Good In The World.

Father, Bless Me For I Have Sinned, I Did An Original Sin… I Poked A Badger With A Spoon.

I Just Play To Progressive Audiences. You Know, If They're Watching Discovery Channel, History Channel, That Kind Of Thing, "monty Python" Have Already Laid The Groundwork. They're Known Around The World. People Like That Kind Of Surrealist, Left-field Humor, And That's What I Do. And "saturday Night Live," A Lot Of American Humor. "the Simpsons," Above All, The Weird, Left-field Humor, Which I Love. And Sardonic. So That's All I'm Doing. I Find That Audience, And They're In Every Developed Country Around The World.

If You Get Too Well-known In Comedy, I Do Believe It Blocks People From Taking You In Drama.

I Try To Just Talk About Human Stories And What I Think About Religion Or Teapots Or Whatever.

I Mean, Sometimes... A Comedian Becomes An Actor, And They Just Don't Deliver, Because The Bottom Line Of Comedy Is To Be Funny, And The Bottom Line Of Acting Is To Be Truthful, And They Get That Mixed Up Sometimes, Or Don't Even Notice That That's The Thing.

Your Eyes Flashed Fire Into My Soul. I Immediately Read The Words Of Dostoyevsky And Karl Marx, And In The Words Of Albert Schweitzer, I Fancy You!

They Say That 'guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People.' Well I Think The Gun Helps. If You Just Stood There And Yelled Bang, I Don't Think You'd Kill Too Many People.

But The Dutch Speak Four Languages And Smoke Marijuana!

I Don't Believe In God. I Believe Gods And Devils Are Within Us. It's Our Own Battle. Our Life's Battle Is To Appeal To The Gods Within Us, And To Fight The Devils Within Us.

Sharks Are Just Evil Bastards. I'm Quite Happy If All The Sharks Just Went, Because They Eat Fish And Us. And We Need The Fish.

How To Survive Boarding School. Do Not Express Emotion, Do Not Feel Emotion, Do Not Have Emotion. If Someone Hits You, Hit Them Back, If Someone Argues With You, Argue Back, Never Give In An Inch, Never Look Vulnerable And You Will Survive.

Before Birds Get Sucked Into Jet Engines, Do They Ever Think, Is That Rod Stewart In First Class?

Drag For Me Is Costume, And What I'm Trying To Do Is, Sometimes I'll Go Around And Wear Makeup In The Streets, Turn Up To The Gig, Take The Makeup Off, Do The Show, And Then Put The Makeup Back On. It's The Inverse Of Drag. It's Not About Artifice. It's About Me Just Expressing Myself. So When I'm Campaigning In London For Politics, I Campaign With Makeup On And The Nails. It's Just What I Have On, Like Any Woman.

He [charlie Chaplin] Was Always Playing As If It Were To The Camera, If You've Seen The Live Shots Of Him When He's Going To An Opening Night Or Something Like That. And The Skills That He Had Were Beyond My Ability To Throw Together. You Just Couldn't Really Compete With Him. He Was Too Athletic At That.

When You're Coming Out, You Have To Deal With The Whole World Saying 'oh! You're An Abominable Snowman'.

People Still Talk About A British Sense Of Humour, Or French Slapstick Or How The Germans Have No Sense Of Humour - And It's Just Rubbish. I Do Strongly Feel That We Are All The Bloody Same.

I Try To Keep Performing As Much As Possible - I Just Like To. I Used To Take Huge Gaps Off Between Gigs, Now I Just Like To Do Stand-up Gigs As Much As I Can.

Spiders Frighten Me. In Response To The Spider Alerts For Australia, Please Can The Australian Government Remove All Spiders From Australia And Blow Them Into Outer Space.

If You Think About Determination, If People Have A Heart And Are Determined, They Can Get To That Place. But There Are A Lot Of Negative People Who Were Enormously Determined. All The Nazis Were Determined. They Wanted To Murder Everyone. Everyone With A Bad Heart, Who Doesn't Care About People, I Wish They Hadn't Started.

If You're Choking In A Restaurant You Can Just Say The Magic Words, 'heimlich Maneuver,' And All Will Be Well. Trouble Is, It's Difficult To Say 'heimlich Maneuver' When You're Choking To Death.

Boy Bands Should Be Exploded From A Great Height. They're Just Pretty People Singing Music Written By Others.

That's No Good, I Can't Steal From The Fairly Well Off And Give To The Moderately Impoverished! That's Not Gonna Swing, Is It?

You're Gay, You Sell Books... You Probably Shag The Books.

In The Uk A Lot Of People Don't Like To Try. There's A Different Cultural Thing. Here [in Usa] If You Try And Fail, You Get Up Again And Start Again And Keep Going. People Respect You For It. Even If You Keep Failing, They Respect The Tenacity.

Poetry Is Very Similar To Music, Only Less Notes And More Words.

Queen Victoria, One Of Our More Frumpy Queen's. They're All Frumpy Aren't They? Because It's A Bad Idea When Cousin's Marry.

Cos People Think I'm On Drugs And I'm Not. I'm Really Quite... Just A Bit Of Coffee. When I Take Drugs I Start Going, Oh, Would You Like Insurance?

There's A Thing About Trying Too Hard, Which I Think Is In All Forms, Which Is If You Really Try To Do Things Really Well, You Can Get To A Less Good Place Than If You Just Let Go And Let It Fly. Especially In Creativity.

If You Go Down As A Comedian's Comedian, That's Basically Meaning Other Comedians Are Hopefully Feeling That You're Doing Okay.

In Britain We Have A Very Powerful Tabloid Culture With Celebrities On The Front Page Crying With Their Make-up Smeared And Tears, And It's Kind Of What You'd Expect From Someone Who Likes To Dress Up That Way.

I Am Encyclopaedic On World War Ii. My Dad Took Me To D-day Beaches When I Was A Kid. I Was There Four Years Ago - Every Five Years They Have A Remembrance On D-day Beaches And I Would Have Liked To Have Been There And Done My Bit.

I Think I'm Actually A Mainstream, Popcorn-eating Kid. I've Always Been That, So I'd Sit There Watching Action Movies And American Moves Before I Watch Other Movies Quite Often Because I Am That Kid. But I've Pushed Into The More Alternative Area Because That's Where It Gets Really Interesting Creatively.

Cats Have A Scam Going - You Buy The Food, They Eat The Food, They Go Away; That's The Deal.

For Me To Put A Look Together, If It's Going To Be A Boy Look Or A Girl Look Or Whatever, Is Quite A Tricky Thing To Do. I'm Not Doing Drag Because Drag Is Seen In A Certain Way And My Comedy Has Got Zero To Do With What I'm Wearing. I Could Wear An Elephant Suit And Say The Same Thing.

Some People Are Widely Read. I'm Thinly Read.

I Don't Believe That Competitions Are Important.

Cause Jesus I Do Think Did Exist, And He Was, I Think, A Guy Who Had Interesting Ideas In The Gandhi-type Area, In The Nelson Mandela-type Area, You Know, Relaxed And Groovy; And The Romans Thought, Relaxed And Groovy?! No, No, No, No, No! So They Murdered Him. And Kids Eat Chocolate Eggs, Because Of The Color Of The Chocolate, And The Color Of The... Wood On The Cross. Well, You Tell Me! It's Got Nothing To Do With It, Has It?

If There Is A God, His Plan Is Very Similar To Someone Not Having A Plan.

If There Is A God

Racist People, Interestingly, Are Never As Polite As Smokers. Have You Noticed That? Smokers Always Go, "do You Mind If I Smoke? Oh, You Do? Okay, I'll Go Outside And Have A Cigarette."

It's A Historical Thing, Up To The 19th Century The English Hated The French. Then In The 20th Century The English Started To Hate The Germans - As We Began To Move Alphabetically Through The Map Of The World. Now, The Year 2000, We Are Fine With The Germans... But The Hungarians Are Pissing Us Off.

It's My Manifest Destiny To Wear A Skirt In All Countries.

Fox Hunting, There's Big Fox Hunting Thing, There's Arguments In Britain About Fox Hunting. And They Go Around. They Obviously Hunt Foxes Because The Foxes, They Attack Chickens. And Posh People Have An Alliance With Chickens Just Like In The First World War.

Drama Is A Complete Meal, Vitamins, Proteins, Carbohydrates. It's A Slow Burn Thing. It's Got An Arc. Comedy Is More Like Coke.

Honey Bees Are Amazing Creatures. I Mean, Think About It, Do Earwigs Make Chutney?

I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Women. In A Plastic Cup.

If There Were A God, Don't You Think He Would Have Flicked Hitler's Head Off?

We Will Now Sing Forth, Hymn 405, 'oh God, What On Earth Is My Hairdo All About?

Well, If You Don't Have A Flag, Then You Can't Have A Country. Those Are The Rules... That I Just Made Up!

I'm Working On A Speed Boat At The Moment. Much More Exciting. It'll Really Kick Ass, Give Great Photographs For The People In Bible.

Someone's Killed 100,000 People. We're Almost Going, "well Done! You Killed 100,000 People? You Must Get Up Very Early In The Morning! I Can't Even Get Down The Gym. Your Diary Must Look Odd: 'get Up In The Morning, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death, Death - Lunch - Death, Death, Death - Afternoon Tea - Death, Death, Death - Quick Shower ...' "

I Grew Up In Europe, Where The History Comes From.

Most Transvestites Fancy Girls.

If You've Never Seen An Elephant Ski, Then You've Never Been On Acid.

I'm A Dyslexic Person, So I Avoid Books.

I Remember When I Was Being Told About Watergate, And I Thought, "oh, America Is Not What I Think America Is." But America Is What I Think It Is. It's Just That It's Two Bits Of It, And I Don't Go With The Republican Bit Of It. I Go More With The Democratic Bit.

You Piss Me Off You Salmon... You're Too Expensive In Restaurants.

You Have No Control Over Your Cat! You Can't Say To Your Cat, "cat, Heel! Stay! Wait! Lie Down! Roll Over!" 'cause The Cat's Just Gonna Be Sitting There Going, "interesting Words ... Have You Finished?" While You're Shouting All This To Your Cat, Your Dog's Next To You, Going ... [mimes Obeying All Commands] "what The Hell Are You Doing? I'm Talking To The Cat!" "oh, I'm Sorry!"

And The Druids, They Were Into Sex And Death In An Interesting Night-time Telly Sort Of Way.

Guns Don't Kill People, People Kill People, And Monkeys Do Too (if They Have A Gun).

Everyone Gets Cards At The Beginning Of Life. I Am Transgender, I Decided To Be Honest And Tell Everyone About It, And That's It.

Danger Could Be My Middle Name... But It's John.

They’re Not Women’s Clothes. They’re My Clothes. I Bought Them.

Mac Gave Me 55 Lipsticks To Test. These Are The Same Lipsticks I Got Caught Stealing By The Police When I Was 15. How Ironic.

Because We All Know One Of The Main Factors Of War Is The Element Of Surprise. And What Could Be More Surprising Than The First Batallion Transvestite Brigade? Airborne Wing.

I Like My Coffee Hot And Strong. Like I Like My Women: Hot And Strong...with A Spoon In Them.

I Felt Audiences Are Happier To Take Comedy People Who Play Darker People Because There's A Link Between The Psychosis Of Comedy And The Psychosis Of Being A Twisted Character.

There's Two Positions In Snowboarding. One Is Looking Cool And The Other Is Dead!

They Tend To Come Out A Colour Called 'pants Left In Wash'

Little Red Cookbook! Little Red Cookbook!

I Did Bronze Survival Swimming. I Could Save People In A Bronzey Kind Of Way.

Puberty Is The Sickest Joke God Plays On Us. So You're Just Noticing Members Of The Sex: "girls Girls, Ooo". Naturally You Want To Look Your Best, And God Says "no! You Will Look The Worst You've Ever Looked In Your Life!"

What Was The First Cat That Talked A Human Into Putting A Cat Door In?

The National Rifle Association Says, 'guns Don't Kill People. People Do'. But I Think The Gun Helps.

I'm Into Humanity. I Don't Believe In God, But I Believe In Human Beings.

When I Was Seven, I Said, "i Want To Act." When I Was 10, I Realized That Films Exist, And I Wanted To Be In Them. Not A Comedian, I Wanted To Be A Dramatic Actor. Films Just Seemed Such Fun, And Like Such A Great Thing To Do.

But Puberty Was... Well, Before Puberty, At School, I Didn't Tell Kids I Was A Transvestite 'cause I Thought They Might Kill Me With Sticks, You Know?

Charles Darwin Wrote A Famous Book In 18 [gibberish]. And That Book Was An Interesting Book, Cuz It Was Called "monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-monkey-you".

My Stand-up Is Quite Good Now, People Say. It's Just Like A Big Conversation Each Time. Every Gig Is A Rehearsal.

There's Not Much Makeup In The Army, Is There? No. They Only Have That Nighttime Look, And That's A Bit Slapdash, Isn't It?

If I Were Achilles I Would Put My Foot In A F**k Off Block Of Concrete!

But With Dogs, We Do Have "bad Dog." Bad Dog Exists. "bad Dog! Bad Dog! Stole A Biscuit, Bad Dog!" The Dog Is Saying, "who Are You To Judge Me? You Human Beings Who’ve Had Genocide, War Against People Of Different Creeds, Colors, Religions, And I Stole A Biscuit?! Is That A Crime? People Of The World!" "well, If You Put It That Way, I Think You’ve Got A Point. Have Another Biscuit, Sorry.

I've Done A Bit Of Latin In My Time...but I Can Control It.

I Wanna Live 'til I Die, No More, No Less.

You Notice How They Always Put The Fruit And Veg At The Entrance To The Supermarket? You Go In Thinking 'this Is A Fresh Shop, Everything In Here Is Fresh! I Will Do Well To Shop Here'. You Never Go Straight To The Bit With The Toilet Paper, Loo Brushes And Such Do You? You'd Think 'this Is A Poo Shop! Everything In Here Is Themed On Poo!

We Have Two Hundred Languages In Europe. Two Hundred Languages! Count Them! I Know You Won't!

Well, Comedy Is A Great Weapon Of Attack. It's Not A Great Weapon Of Support.

Never Put A Sock In A Toaster.

Cake And Tea Or Death?

I Don't Believe In God. So I'm A Non-believer In The Non-visible. I'm A Believer In Us; In Humans.

Comedy Is Like A Very Cokey, Druggy Sugar. You Get Hits Of Comedy, And It's Very, "more, Give Me More Of That Stuff," Because Serotonin Is Being Released In The Brain. So It's Basically, Everyone Becomes Serotonin Junkies, And We Are Serotonin Dealers. And That's What Being A Comedian Is About.

My Gran Said Put A Thimble On Your Finger And It Helps You In Case You Slip With The Needle And It Goes Up, Into The Brain, And Death.

Performance Enhancing Drugs Are Banned In The Olympics. Ok, We Can Swing With That. But Performance 'debilitating' Drugs Should Not Be Banned. Smoke A Joint And Win The 100 Metres, Fair Play For You. That's Pretty Good. Unless Someone's Dangling A Mars Bar Off In The Distance.

I Love The Fact That Trying Is Respected. The American Dream: If You Try, If You Build It, They Will Come. I Love That. It's Honorable.

I Am A Professional Transvestite, So I Can Run About In Heels And Not Fall Over.

Religion And Philosophy, Philosophy And Religion - They're Two Words Which Are Both ... Different. In Spelling.

You Have The American Dream! The Dream Is To Be Born In A Gutter And Grow Up, And Then Get All The Money In The World And Stick It In Your Ears And Go Thbbbbbt.

I'm An Action Transvestite.

Animals In The Wild Are Lean, And I Think We Should Be Too.

You’ve Got To Believe You Can Be A Standup Before You Can Be A Standup. You Have To Believe You Can Act Before You Can Act. You Have To Believe You Can Be An Astronaut Before You Can Be An Astronaut. You’ve Got To Believe.

Believe You Can

If You're Trying To Get A Bit Of Attention, You Can Smash Up Your Hotel Room Or Spend All Your Time Going To Openings Or Doing The Gossip Column Thing. I Just Decided To Do Gigs In French, German, Spanish, And In America.

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