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Wars Are Usually Really Popular With People That Aren't Gonna Be Affected By Them. 'cause It's Just Entertainment, And It's Just Weird, Like, "well, We've Got To Show The World That We're Strong." No We Don't. And By The Way, That Has Nothing To Do With You. Why Are You Equating Yourself With That&#array; You Know What I Mean?

-Patton Oswalt

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Wars Are Usually Really

Patton Oswalt

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Wars Are Usually Really Popular With People That Aren't Gonna Be Affected By Them. 'cause It's Just Entertainment, And It's Just Weird, Like, "well, We've Got To Show The World That We're Strong." No We Don't. And By The Way, That Has Nothing To Do With You. Why Are You Equating Yourself With That&#array; You Know What I Mean?

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There Are Times When I Have To Take, I Call It A “silence Bath,” Where I Shut Off All Of The External Gadgets. I Go Walk Around, Talk To People, And Just Live Life For A While.

Growing Up There Are Always Those Kids Who Are Only Happy When They Are Making Someone Else Upset. That Is Unfortunately Just How Some People Are. Some People Are Just Born With Bad Wiring.

I Think Most Comedians Go Through That (period), Where You Have To Change Or Evolve. You Don't Want To Just Keep Doing Variations On The Same Themes. And, Besides, It Would Look Kinda Creepy For A Guy My Age To Be Doing Stuff That, Like, A 20-year-old Would Do. 'yeah, This Is Bullshit!' It's, Like, 'really? You Don't Have Bigger Concerns At This Point In Your Life?'

To Get Asked To Do Stuff Like 'united States Of Tara' And 'caprica' Is Terrific. I Can't Complain.

I'm Still Very Much An Atheist, Except That I Don't Necessarily See Religion As Being A Bad Thing. So, That's A Weird Thing That I'm Struggling With That Seems To Be Offending Both Atheists And People That Are Religious.

There's Something Kind Of Beautiful About That Pure Love Of Things. Like, "i'll Show That I Love The Thing I Love By Hating Everything Else."

A Lot Of Nerds Aren't Aware They're Nerds. A Geek Has Thrown His Hands Up To The Universe And Gone, 'i Speak Klingon - Who Am I Fooling? You Win! I'm Just Gonna Openly Like What I Like.' Geeks Tend To Be A Little Happier With Themselves.

Just Think Of Yourself As Starting From Zero Every Time. That's What I Do With Every New Role. I'm At Zero, And I'm Going To Do The Work.

Knock On Wood, My Groupies Tend To Be Very Artistic, Creative People - Sometimes Way More Creative Than I Am.

Anything's Better Than Gen X Which Is What We Got. Thanks Douglas Coupland. We Sound Like A Team Of Mutant Vigalantees With Frosted Hair And Chain Wallets. Actually That's Not Completely Horrible.

All The Truly Great Stand-ups Say, "i Go Onstage, And I Work On Jokes. The Inspiration Will Happen While I'm Doing My Work." To Me, In The End, The Surest Thing Is Work.

As You Get Older, As A Comedian, And Keep Doing It, What You Actually Start To Cherish On Stage Is Not The Build-up To The Jokes, But How Comfortable You Can Be In The Silence And The Non-laughing Parts, And How Long You Can Take The Audience Without A Laugh To Then Get A Huge Reaction.

Before Doing My First Open Mic, I Was Sitting In The Back Watching All These Comedians Banter Back And Forth And Fire Jokes And Up Each Other, And I Thought, This Is Where I Wanna Be.

I Think Right Now Is The Best Time For Stand-up, Ever. I Sincerely Do.

Based On My Own Experience, When You're Going Through Adolescence You Don't Know How The World Works. You Can't Set A Story In The World You Live In Because You Don't Know What A Utility Bill Is, Or How To Budget Your Paycheck.

This Sounds Like A Brag, But I Know How To Make Good Fried Rice. I Learned In College. There Are Two Secrets - Take The Rice After You Cook It And Let It Get Cold In The Fridge. Then Cook The Egg Like You're Making A Fried Egg And Just Before It's Done, Dump The Rice And Veg On It And Swirl It Around.

Doing 'young Adult' Was Really Reassuring To Me In A Lot Of Ways. It Confirmed A Lot Of Suspicions I Had About Great Actors.

I Never Said That Movies Were Struggling Behind Tv. I'm Just Saying That Movies Have A Better Creative Cache.

I Love The Beginning Of Magnolia, The Thing About The Dealer. That Scene Is Genius. Brilliantly Acted.

I'm Always Trying Out New Stuff Onstage. That's Where I Do All My Writing.

Is It Bad When You Refer To All Alcohol As "pain Go Bye-bye Juice"?

I Fantasize And Idealize Myself As Bugs Bunny, But I Know Deep Down I'm Daffy Duck.

I Hate All Sidekicks.

Zombies Can't Believe The Energy We Waste On Nonfood Pursuits.

Having Enough Money Has To Go Hand In Hand With Living In A Way That You're Not Being A Slave To Your Possessions.

I'm Grateful That I Had That Uphill Battle For 10 Years Of Going Onstage And Having Nobody Know Who I Was, Because You Have To Win Them Over. I Have A Lot Of Friends Who Were Stand-ups, And They Just Stopped After A While, Because They Didn't Like That Battle. And Then They Would Get On A Sitcom And Get Visible And Get Back Into It, Because The Audience Was Just Way Easier On Them. That's Why They're Okay Stand-ups, But They're Never Going To Be Great, Because They Don't Have That Presence. They Never Built Those Muscles Up.

One Of My Groupies Gave Me A Film That They Made, And It Ended Up Being Amazing, So I Got It Shown At South By Southwest. If I Can Help Get Their Stuff Out There, Then Great.

Knowing Comedy Is Knowing Human Nature.

It’s The Method Of Consumption, Not What’s On The Plate.

I'm So Beyond Genre, Drama, Comedies, I Just Want To Do Really Good, Interesting Projects.

I Really Do Love Doing Stand-up, And I Don't See Why It Should Affect The Acting. And I Just Want More Interesting Jobs. I Just Want To Keep Doing Stuff That's Different, Rather Than Saying, "okay, I've Become Known For This, And I'll Just Do This From Now On." If I Feel Like I've Done This One Thing, I Never Want To Do It Again. I Want To Do Something Totally Different.

Even If You're Popular, There Are Times When You Just Feel Like You're Not A Part Of Things.

I Mean, All Alternative Comedy Is Are Comedians That Have Being Doing It For So Long, For So Long, That They Were Relaxed Enough To Start Becoming Personal On Stage.

I Would Always Rather Shoot For Something Unique And Fail Than Do A Script Because I Feel Like They're Hitting All The Right Mainstream Beats.

I Haven't Sworn Off Facebook. I'm On Facebook. There's A Fan Page On Facebook That I Will Update, But I'm On There Myself Under A Pseudonym, Because There Were A Lot Of People Able To Private-message Me On Facebook, And It Was Getting Really Weird. And Then With Myspace, I Just Don't Read Messages. I Delete Everything, And I Just Post Updates Every Now And Then.

I Update My Myspace Every Day, I Update My Facebook Fan Page, But That's About The Extent Of It. I Don't Want To Get Into Extended Conversations With People On Myspace, Because There Are Friends I Have Extended Conversations With Every Day. I'm On The Phone Every Day. There's Like Five People I Just Call And Yak With Every Single Day. And That To Me Is My Internet. You Can Replace The Internet With Five Really Smart Friends.

Myspace Is Somehow More Welcoming Than Facebook. And Twittering, I Just... Ugh. I Like Having Radio Silence. I Think Radio Silence Is An Important Part Of Any Public Figure's Day. We Haven't Seen It Yet, But There's Going To Be A Generation That Comes Up Where The New Trend Will Be Complete Anonymity. It'll Be Cool To Have Never Posted Anything Online, Commented, Opened A Webpage Or A Myspace. I Think Everyone In The Future Is Going To Be Allowed To Be Obscure For 15 Minutes. You'll Have 15 Minutes Where No One Is Watching You, And Then You'll Be Shoved Back Onto Your Reality Show.

Yeah, There Were A Few Years In The Early Nineties Where I Really Began To Hate What Was Valued As Funny And Just Sort Of What Was Valued In Stand-up, Period.

I Don't Want To Get Into Extended Conversations With People On Myspace, Because There Are Friends I Have Extended Conversations With Every Day.

Lot Of Ugly Funny Dudes End Up With Some Pretty Gorgeous Women. Women Are Much Deeper Than Us In Choosing A Mate - They See In The Long Term.

I Grew Up In Such A Featureless, Personality-less Suburb. There Was Nothing To Push Against.

I Look Pretty Nondescript. I Don't Go Out Of My Way To... I Don't Express My Personality With My Clothes, With My Car Or My, You Know, House. I Express With My Personality; So As Far As What I Wear - I Don't Really Care About That.

I Think I Realized It Was An Art Form At The Beginning, But It Took Me A Really Long Time Before I Was Able To View What I Was Performing Myself As An Art Form.

The Truly Great Actors, Like Charlize Theron, Are Just Like, "i'm An Actor. For Hire. I Show Up, I Do My Job." There's No "i'm Just Waiting For The Inspiration." They Just Do Their Jobs. They Say, "let's Go Over The Scene A Few Times And Get It."

We Need Conservatives That Can Accept Gays, And Then We Need Hippies That Can Shave And Bathe.

The Kentucky Fried Chicken Corporation Made A Bobble Head Of Me And Sent It To My Management. No Card, Nothing.

We Would Not Be Here If Humanity Were Inherently Evil. We'd Have Eaten Ourselves Alive Long Ago.

People Will Find Transformation And Transcendence In A Mcdonald's Hash Brown If It's All They've Got.

You Have To Be Ruthless With Yourself, In Terms Of Being Honest About What Is Working And What Is Not.

I Remember, When 9/11 Went Down, My Reaction Was, 'well, I've Had It With Humanity.' But I Was Wrong.

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Stand-up Is Something I Just Truly Love To Do, So I'll Always Go Back To It. I'll Never Stop Doing It, That's For Sure.

So When You Spot Violence, Or Bigotry, Or Intolerance Or Fear Or Just Garden-variety Misogyny, Hatred Or Ignorance, Just Look It In The Eye And Think, 'the Good Outnumber You, And We Always Will.'

Even If It's Other People, Like On Myspace Pages, We're Just As Collective Of Enthusiasts Now. That Seems To Be The World We're In.

I Have To Drink This Much To Be As Unfunny As You.

Every Audience Is Different, Even Within The Same Venue. You Have To Just Make Every Audience Your Audience; You Can't Pre-judge An Audience Based On The Size Of The Room Or The Type Of Room.

You Know, In Los Angeles, You're Constantly In Your Car, You're Sealed Up, You're Not Walking Around. Whereas In New York, After A While, All Your Stuff Is Kind Of Public, In One Way Or The Other. I'm Not Saying Either One Of Those Is Bad; They're Both Great For A Very Specific Kind Of Comedian. And I'm Glad That They Both Exist.

We're Rewarding Either The Reality Or The Appearance Of Youth, Which Is Why You Have All These People In Their Fifties Trying To Act Like They're Seventeen. You Know, It's Great To Be Young. Be Young. By All Means, Be Young. But Always Remember That Youth Is Also Kinda Dumb, And Doesn't Know A Lot Yet.

When You Act, You're Being Asked To Pretend In A Very Rigid, Controlled Environment. It's Very Un-childlike. So A Lot Of Times, When You Put Kids In That Situation, You Hope They Have A Better Support System Outside Of What They're Doing To Bring Them Back To Reality At The End Of The Day And To Keep Them Well-rounded.

Support Systems

There's No Destination. There's No Getting Anywhere. There's Just The Going. The Key To Life Is To Make The Going Really Fun. Because People That Are Like, “if I Just Get To This, Then Boom!” And Then They Get There And There's This Dawning Of An Afterwards. Whereas I'm Just Always In The Going. And It's Not A Frantic Going Like, “i Gotta Keep Going Or I'm Gonna Go Nuts!” I Can Not Do Anything For Weeks Or Months If I Need To And Just Sit And Read Books Or Watch Movies. I'm Just As Fine Consuming And Absorbing New Art As I Am Trying To Make It. But It's All In The Going.

George Bush Is Not Stupid. He's Evil. Ok? There's A Huge Difference Between Stupid And Evil.

If Kevin James Or Paul Giamatti Drop Weight, I'm Done. I Don't Want To Be The Last Pudge Out There.

I Have Some Shorter Stories Coming Out In Other Books Early Next Year. I Might Be Pitching A Re-vamp Of Ghost Rider In The Spring. We'll See.

Meal Isn't Over When I'm Full. Meal's Over When I Hate Myself.

Stand Up Comedian

90% Of Every Art Form Is Garbage - Dance And Stand-up, Painting And Music. Focus On The 10% That's Good, Suck It Up, And Drive On.

I Know How My Body Operates Differently From What It Did When It Was 30 And When It Was 20. As Unhealthy As I Am, I'm Weirdly Aware Of Exactly How My Body Functions.

I Love Doing Movies, But Right Now, Television Is The Way Hollywood Was In The Late '60s And Early '70s. The Dream Era I Would Have Loved To Have Been Part Of In Hollywood Then Is Happening Right Now, But It's Happening On Television, With These Big Complicated Story Arcs And Real Character-driven Shows And Sheer Ambiguity Left And Right.

I Want To Experience As Many Different Tastes, Sights, Emotions, Conflicts, And Cultures As Possible, So That I Can Expand The Canvas Of My Memory And Enrich My Comedy.

I've Had Some Pretty Good Arguments With People, But I've Never Regretted It. I've Had People Come Up Where It's All Emotion And No Fact. That's Always Sad.

Every Zombie Story Is Fundamentally About A Breakdown Of Order, With The Infrastructure Intact. That Infrastructure Might Be On Fire, Yes.

In My Mind, I Was Always A Comedian Who Was Going To Branch Into Writing.

Beyond Any Role That I Ever Had, Really Early On As A Stand-up, I Would See Actors Decide To Try It And They Would Bomb Miserably. What I Realized Was That Stand-up, Acting And Writing Are All Their Own Disciplines.

You Saw A Lot Of Guys, Especially In The Early '90s, Whose Acts Were A Pitch For A Sitcom. A Lot Of Them Were Very Funny, But There's Nothing Worse Than Watching Comedians Or Musicians Who Are Up There And Are Doing Something They're Not Interested In.

As Much As I Know People Love The Method And What You Can Draw Out Of Yourself, A Lot Of Acting Is Very Imaginative.

If The Victories We Create In Our Heads Were Let Loose On Reality, The World We Know Would Drown In Blazing Happiness.

When You Put An Album Out, You Can't Do Any Material From The Album If People Are Paying To See You.

What You Want To Worship Above Youth, I Think, Is Beauty, And Beauty Is So Beyond Just Appearances After A While. Because You Can Be With Someone Who's Good-looking; If They Open Their Mouths And They're An Idiot, Then They Cease To Be Beautiful Very Quickly.

I've Hung Out In The Writer's Room A Few Times, But The Fact Is We've Got Such A Good Writing Staff, I Don't Want To Get My Peanut Butter Fingerprints On Anything.

I Had A Romance Novel Inside Me, But I Paid Three Sailors To Beat It Out If Me With Steel Pipes.

But For The Most Part, For The Majority Of A Stand-up Audience, You Better Have New Stuff They've Not Heard. And If You Put An Album Out, Just Consider That Material Gone. At Least That's How I See It.

If You Actually Do Cold Readings, It's Very Close To How People Actually Talk, Because You're Experiencing These Thoughts Anew Every Moment, And Trying To Make Them Come Out Coherently.

There Is A Part Of My Generation That Is Not On Social Media Because They Have Happy Lives And They're Not Trying To Connect With Anybody. And There Are Other People Who Are On Social Media Because They Need To Connect.

I Have A Very Tiny House In Burbank. I Drive An 8-year-old Car. I'm Gonna Drive It Into The Ground. I Enjoy What I Enjoy.

Nowadays - And I Don't Want To Make Some Dopey Cultural Statement Here - Everyone Can Be, Just By Existing In Society, Because We All Have A Ship That We Follow. Even If It's Other People, Like On Myspace Pages, We're Just As Collective Of Enthusiasts Now. That Seems To Be The World We're In.

I Like To Write, I Like To Do Stand-up, I Like To Act.

It Wasn't Until I Went To College And Met Different People From Different Areas Of Life - And Then Went To San Francisco And Met People Who Really Knew Who The Hell They Were - That I Kind Of Caught Up In A Hurry.

I Like Confounding Expectations. I Can Expand What It Is I Am Able To Do, And Hopefully Get To Do More Weird, Interesting Projects Like This. There's Nothing Wrong With Doing Comedies, And I'm Not Against Comedies, Either, But I Always Want To Do Stuff That Keeps Me Off My Guard And Gets Me Out Of My Comfort Zone. And How The Audience Perceives That... It's Out Of My Hands. And I Don't Get That Frustrated By It, Because I'm On To The Next Thing At That Point.

I Identify Myself As A Stand-up First. Even Though Lately There's Been An Explosion Of Acting On My Schedule.

My Advice To You Is Be Boring, Square, Asshole Parents... When I Have Kids, The Most Recent Cd I Will Own - Phil Collins, No Jacket Required, And I'll Rave About It. 'do You Like Rock 'n' Roll? 'cause This Is Rockin' Good Stuff, Kid.'

I'm Going To Continue To Try To Strike A Balance, Because I Really, Really Do Love Doing Stand-up, And I Don't See Why It Should Affect The Acting. And Again, I'm Not Going, "i've Got To Become A Dramatic Actor Now." I Just Want More Interesting Jobs. I Just Want To Keep Doing Stuff That's Different.

The Process Is To Me Is Going Onstage Night After Night After Night After Night Until I Get A New Hour. And Then Once That Hour Is Solidified And Recorded, I Move On.

With A Comedian, It's The Opposite. You Put That Album Out, And They've Heard It. If They're Coming Out To See You, You'd Better Be Doing New Stuff. There's Always A Tiny Part Of The Audience That Want To Hear Certain Bits Of Yours, Or They've Brought Friends To See You, And They've Told Them About Some Of Your Bits. Then Maybe You Should Do Them.

Somebody Is Going To Find A Way Digitally That Is Just As Innovative. In The End, The Tools Can Change, But There Is Always Someone Who Can Think Of Something Cool To Do.

Any Comedian Who Tells You How Dark And Dangerous They Are, They're Not Dark And Dangerous.

Cheap Liquor Is A Magic Potion That Can Turn You Into A Puppet Cowboy Before It Kills You.

I'm Glad That That Era Of Stand-up Is Over, Because I Think It Adversely Affected A Lot Of People Who Could Have Been Really, Really Great Comedians. Because They Unconsciously Or Subconsciously Stifled Their Wild Impulses, And Were Thinking About The Five Clean Minutes For The Tonight Show, Or The 20-minute Sitcom Pitch As A Stand-up Act.

If You Play Comedic Scenes Like They're Really Serious, Then It's So Much More Funny Than If You're Going For A Laugh.

I'm Such A Bookworm, And I'm Such A People-watcher. It Took The Internet A While To Catch On In Ireland, Because The Culture There Is, You Go To The Pub And Talk To People There, And That's How You Get The News And All The Gossip. You Just Do It Face To Face. And Culturally, You Just Couldn't Understand.

There's All Kinds Of Those Moments In Your Life Where Either Through A Weird Set Of Circumstances, Or A Song You Hear, Or A Smell You Smell, Or One Person Says Something Totally Out Of The Context Without The Meaning That You Assigned To It, But You Snap Back To The Way You Were When You Were 14 Or 15. We All Deal With That.

I'm Not Familiar With The Metric System.

Wars Are Usually Really Popular With People That Aren't Gonna Be Affected By Them. 'cause It's Just Entertainment, And It's Just Weird, Like, "well, We've Got To Show The World That We're Strong." No We Don't. And By The Way, That Has Nothing To Do With You. Why Are You Equating Yourself With That&#array; You Know What I Mean?

It's Like Our Country Is Being Run By A Bunch Of Bad Alcoholic Dads Right Now.

I Mean, The Death In The Late Eighties And Early Nineties Really Shook Out A Lot Of Hacks. The Pond Just Sort Of Dried Up For A Lot Of Really Bad Comedians.

I've Gotten Very Cynical And Kind Of Anhedonic About All The Things I Have To Do To Get To Do Comedy: All The Travel, Hotels, And Airports.

Any Acting Job That I Ever Got, I Always Treated It Like I Was A Neophyte, I Didn't Know What I Was Doing And I Was Going To Work Just As Hard As I Do On My Stand-up.

What I Was Trying To Say In That Bit, Without Saying It Out Loud, Is That There Were Things - You're Right, Everything Is Very Politicized These Days, Literally Down To What Kind Of Coffee You Drink - That I Used To Fight With People About. And By The Way, Not Just People Like Republicans And Christians, But Liberal Friends Of Mine And Very Radical Left-wing Types, And Alternative, Indie Types.

I'm Grateful That I Had That Uphill Battle For 10 Years Of Going Onstage And Having Nobody Know Who I Was, Because You Have To Win Them Over.

I Have A Lot Of Friends Who Were Stand-ups, And They Just Stopped After A While, Because They Didn't Like That Battle, Or They Just Couldn't Do It. And Then They Would Get On A Sitcom And Get Visible And Get Back Into It, Because The Audience Was Just Way Easier On Them. But They Lost Those Crucial Years Of Learning To Turn Any Audience Into Your Audience.

I Really Had To Imagine The Kind Of Person That I Would Have Been If I Had Never Left My Hometown... I Don't Think I Would Have Been A Very Pleasant Person.

As Unhealthy As I Am, I'm Weirdly Aware Of Exactly How My Body Functions.

The Idea Of, 'the Journey Is The Destination' Is Put Into Action By Browsing In An Indie Record Store. Besides, A Human Being Is A Much Better Guide Than A 'more Like This' Link On The Internet.

Now We Live In This Dvd, Itunes, Hulu Age, And Show Creators And Networks Are Realizing That And Letting Shows Develop On Those Terms Rather Than 'we Gotta Just Punch It Week To Week, Man.' Now They're Like, 'what Will Happen If Someone Watches The Entire Show?'

Everything We Have Today That's Cool Comes From Someone Wanting More Of Something They Loved In The Past. Action Figures, Videogames, Superhero Movies, Ipods: All Are Continuations Of A Love That Wanted More.

Growing Up There Are Always Those Kids Who Are Only Happy When They Are Making Someone Else Upset. That Is Unfortunately Just How Some People Are. And Their Parents Were Fine. Some People Are Just Born With Bad Wiring.

Here's What I'm Afraid Of. I Know A Lot Of Comedians, Friends Of Mine, Who Just Got Into The "doesn't Matter What I Say. It Doesn't Matter. They're Just Gonna Laugh Anyway."

If I Were To Just Focus On Stand-up, I Could Actually, Paradoxically Enough, Be Home Way More, Because I Would Leave On A Friday, Go Do A Couple Theaters Friday, Saturday, Maybe Sunday, Come Home.

The Problem Is, And I'm Just As Guilty Of This, A Lot Of People See Their Follower Count Increase And Mistake That For Friendships. It's Great To Have Followers, Especially If You Want To Sell Albums, Promote Shows, Or Promote Your Friends, But You Still Need To Get Outside And Talk To Other Human Beings.

There's Nothing Wrong With Doing Comedies, And I'm Not Against Comedies, Either, But I Always Want To Do Stuff That Keeps Me Off My Guard And Gets Me Out Of My Comfort Zone.

The Apocalypse Is Coming, That's The One Thing I Like About George Bush, I Really Think He Can Get Us Into The ... Apocalypse, Like The Biblical ... I Really Think He Believes That He'll Be The Guy In The White Hat. I Think He's Read The Stephen King Novel The Stand A Couple Times, And He Really Thinks There's A Dark Man In The Desert Somewhere And He's Gonna Fight Him Or Something.

With Acting, You See Some Of The Kids Are Literally Just Off The Street, Untrained, And They Are Great. And Others Are Off The Street, Untrained, And Kind Of Horrible.

I Can't Say That I Ever Abided Nerd Stereotypes: I Was Never Alone Or Felt Outcast.

I Think The Kind Of Person That Gravitates Toward New York Is A Person That's Not So Much Focused On Controlling Exactly How They Appear And How They Exit. They're More Fascinated With The Process.

What I'm Realizing As I Get Older Is That A Movie's Mainstream Success Is Just As Unpredictable As A Movie's Cult Success. Plenty Of Movies That Are Truly Odd And Deserve Cults, Don't Have Cults. It's Just As Much Of A Crapshoot To Be A Cult Hit As It Is To Be A Mainstream Success. Isn't That Weird?

You Just Do As Many Shows As You Can To Hone What It Is You're Working On.

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