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This Was Always The Problem With My Mother And Me, I Suddenly Realized. There Were So Many Things We Thought We Agreed On, But Anythign Can Have Two Meanings. Like Sides Of A Coin, It Just Matters How It Falls.

-Sarah Dessen

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This Was Always The

Sarah Dessen

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This Was Always The Problem With My Mother And Me, I Suddenly Realized. There Were So Many Things We Thought We Agreed On, But Anythign Can Have Two Meanings. Like Sides Of A Coin, It Just Matters How It Falls.

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But If Everything Was Always Smooth And Perfect, You'd Get Too Used To That, You Know? You Have To Have A Little Bit Of Disorganization Now And Then. Otherwise, You'll Never Really Enjoy It When Things Go Right.

Instead, We Just Sat There, Together But Really Apart, Watching A Show About A Stranger And All Her Secrets, While Keeping Our Own To Ourselves, As Always.

And While It Is Hard Enough To Take Away Something That Makes A Person Happy It's Even More Difficult When It Seems Like It's The Only Thing.

There Was Nothing, Nothing To Depend On. And Why Was I Surprised?

You, Have This Whole Tall, Dark Stranger Thing Going On. Not To Mention The Tortured Artist Bit. And You, Have That Whole Blonde Cool And Collected Perfect Smart Thing Going On. You're The Boy All The Girls Want To Rebel With. You, Are The Unattainable Girl In Homeroom Who Never Gives A Guy The Time Of Day.

It Was Like Reaching For Someone's Hand, Then Missing Their Fingers, Or Even Their Arm, And Hitting Their Shoulder Instead. But No Matter. You Hang On Tight Anyway.

As He Heard Me Approach, He Quickly Leaped Up, Grabbing A Nearby Loaf Of Bread And Holding It In Front Of Him As If Struck By A Sudden Desire To Make A Sandwich.

If This Was My Forever, I Wouldn't Want To Spend It Here.

With My Mom, When Someone Was Gone, They Were Gone. She Didn't Waste Another Minute Thinking About Them, And Neither Should You.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

This Thought Was Interrupted, Suddenly, By A Crash From The Front Entrance. We All Looked Over Just In Time To See Adam Bending Back From The Glass, Rubbing His Arm. "pull Open," Maggie Called Out. As Leah Rolled Her Eyes, She Said, "he Never Remembers. It's So Weird.

And The Rest Is History,' I Said. Nah.' He Shook His Head. 'the Rest Is Now.

It's Only Advice. Ignore It If You Want.

There Comes A Point When Things Are Undeniable And Can't Be Hidden Any Longer. Even From Yourself.

I Had To Wonder Whether It Was Possible That This Wasn’t Already Decided For Me, And If Maybe, Just Maybe, This Was My One Last Chance To Try And Prove It. There Was No Way To Know. There Never Is. But I Reached Out And Took It Anyway.

I'd Been Running For Years: There Was Nothing Scarier, To Me, Than To Just Be Still With Someone. And Yet, There On That Dark Road, Going Home, I Was.

It Shouldn't Be Easy To Be Amazing. Then Everything Would Be. It's The Things You Fight For And Struggle With Before Earning That Have The Greatest Worth. When Something's Difficult To Come By, You'll Do That Much More To Make Sure It's Even Harder ― Or Impossible ― To Lose.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

I Always Say That Teenagers Are The First To Know If You're Pandering To Them.

I Got Back In My Car, Starting The Engine, Then Drove Off. It Wasn't Until I Pulled Onto The Highway That It All Really Sunk It, How Temporary Our Friendship Had Been. We'd Been On Our Breaks, After All, But It Wasn't Our Relationships That Were On Pause: It Was Us. Now We Were Both In Motion Again, Moving Ahead. So What If There Were Questions Left Unanswered. Life Went On. We Knew That Better Than Anyone.

You Didn't Fail. You Just Opted Out. There's A Difference.

What," I Said, "is That A Crime Here Or Something? Like Only Buying One Thing At The Gas/gro?

If Nothing Else, Now We Knew Where To Find Each Other, Even If Only Time Would Tell If Either Of Us Would Ever Come Looking.

How Ballsy It Was To Just Assume You Know, With One Glance, The Things Another Person Could Live Without. As If It Was The Same For Everyone, That Simple.

But I Saw Blake Earlier And He Said He And Nate Were Taking Off For An Overnight Business Thing. So..." "... You're Just Going To Jump Their Fence And Their Pool," I Finished For Her. Silence. Then Jamie Said, "it's Twenty-five Degrees! In December! Do You Know What This Means?" "the Apocalypse?

I Used To Worry I Was Entirely Uninteresting, But The Truth Is I Think If My Life Was More Exciting I'd Never Have Any Time To Write.

Even If You Couldn't See It Beneath The Surface, Molecules Were Bonding, Energy Pushing Up Slowly, As Something Worked Do Hare, All Alone To Grow.

That Was The Thing About Being On The Inside: The World Was Just Going On, Even When It Seemed Like Time For You Had Stopped For Good.

Sorry!' Dave's Friend Yelled When He Saw Me. 'that Was My-' But I Wasn't Listening As,instead,i Took Every Bit Of The Anger And Stress Of The Last Few Minutes And Days Put It Behind The Ball, Throwing It Overhead At The Basket As Hard As I Could. It Went Flying, Hitting The Backboard And Banging Through The Netless Hoop At Full Speed Before Shooting Back Out And Nailing Dave Wade Squarely On The Forehead. And Just Like That, He Was Down.

I Thought Of All The Times We'd Been Together, How I Kept Coming Closer, Then Retreating, While He Stayed Right Where He Was. A Constant In A World Where Few, If Any, Really Existed.

Teenagers Are A Great Audience And They Are Fearless About Asking What They Want To Know.

It's All In The View. That's What I Mean About Forever, Too. For Any One Of Us Our Forever Could End In An Hour, Or A Hundred Years From Now. You Never Know For Sure, So You'd Better Make Every Second Count.

I Looked At The Sweatshirt Again. "'you Swim' Is A Philosophy?" He Shrugged. "better Than 'you Sink', Right?

He Always Did The Leaving. But Not This Time. She Kept Walking, And Did Not Look Back.

I Sat Up, Sliding Them Off, And The Quiet Around Me Did Not, For Once, Seem Empty And Vast. Instead, For The First Time In A While, It Felt Like It Already Was Full.

Because It Is So Hard, In Any Life, To Believe In What You Can’t Fully Understand.

Sometimes. It Was A Good Escape. Until, You Know, It Wasn‟t.

"what Was The Name Of Pygmalion's Sister?" She Blinked, Twice, Obviously Surprised. "ummm," She Said, Keeping Her Eyes On Me. "i Don't Know." Rogerson Did," I Told Her. "rogerson Knew Everything."

Maybe You Could Go Backwards And Forwards At The Same Time, But It Wasn't Easy. You Had To Want To.

There's Something Nice About The Silence Of A Car Ride In The Dark, Going Home. When You Were Tired Of The Radio And Conversation, And It Was Okay To Just Be Alone With Your Thoughts And The Road Ahead. If You're That Comfortable With Someone, You Don't Have To Talk.

I Think I'm Way Too Much Of A Control Freak To Co-author Anything With Anyone. I Have A Hard Enough Time Writing With Myself! I Admire People That Can Do It, But It's Not For Me.

I Think Readers Are Just Looking For Things That Maybe They Recognize Or Can Relate To In The Books.

There's A Kind Of Radar That You Get, After Years Of Being Talked About And Made Fun Of By Other People. You Can Almost Smell It When It's About To Happen, Can Recognize Instantly The Sound Of A Hushed Voice, Lowered Just Enough To Make Whatever Is Said Okay. I Had Only Been In Colby For A Few Weeks. But I Had Not Forgotten.

Because You Have To Just Go With The Flow. Your Life Is Not Your Own, With People Coming In And Out All The Time. You Get Mellow Because You Have To.

As Isabel Acted Out Her Date, Both Of Them Laughing, I Stayed In The Kitchen, Out Of Sight, And Pretended She Was Telling Me, Too. And That, For Once, I Was Part Of This Hidden Language Of Laughter And Silliness And Girls That Was, Somehow, Friendship.

Love Can Make Up For A Lot.

I'm Really Interested In The Idea Of Anomynity And Familiarity. And Sunglasses, You Know, Are So Indicatitve Of That. I Mean, They're Worn By Some People To Hide Themselves. But They're Also A Fashion Statement, Meant To Be Noticed. So There's A Dichotomy There.

All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This.

You Punched Him By Accident.

Failing Sucks. But It's Better Than The Alternative." "which Is?" "not Even Trying." Now He Did Look At Me, Straight On. "life's Short, You Know?

You Bought Me Some Forks. And Knives. And Spoons. Because You Love Me!

Don't Think Or Judge, Just Listen.

So This Had Been All I Wanted, A Boy Who Understood How I Felt. Now, Though, I Sometimes Wished For More.

It's A Great Compliment That People Think They're Fast Reads. It's Always Funny To Me Because It Takes So Long To Get A Book (written) -- For Me, It's Never Quick.

You Didn't Have To Take A Punch For Me, You Know,' He Said. 'i'm A Lover, Not A Fighter.' 'you're A Freak Is What You Are,' I Said. He Stuck Out His Hand. 'come On, Slugger. Walk With Me. You Know You Want To.' And The Thing Was, Despite Everything I Knew-that It Was A Mistake, That He Was Different From The Others-i Did. How He Knew That, I Had No Idea. But I Got Up And Did It Anyway.

And Always Remember How Much Your Crazy Sister Loves You.

What You Have To Decide... Is How You Want Your Life To Be. If Your Forever Was Ending Tomorrow, Would This Be How You'd Want To Have Spent It? Listen, The Truth Is, Nothing Is Guaranteed. You Know That More Than Anybody. So Dont Be Afraid. Be Alive.

I Was Actually Kind Of A Hot Mess In High School. I Did A Lot Of Things In High School I'm Not Proud Of. I Wasn't A Good Student And I Wasn't Particularly A Good Daughter. I Wasn't Very Engaged.

She Fell, She Hurt, She Felt. She Lived. And For All The Tumble Of Her Experiences, She Still Had Hope. Maybe This Next Time Would Do The Trick. Or Maybe Not. But Unless You Stepped Into The Game, You Would Never Know.

The Fate Of Your Heart Is Your Choice And No One Else Gets A Vote

I Didn't Want To Leave Things The Way We Had, Unresolved, ... And Tried To Tell Myself He Cared About Me Enough Not To Look Elsewhere For What I Wasn't Giving Him.

Can She Be Divorced?" I Asked. "and Famous For Her Commercials And Ideas?" She Can Be Anything," Boo Told Me, And This Is What I Remember Most, Her Freckled Face So Solemn, As If She Knew She Was The First To Tell Me. "and So Can You.

As I Stepped Out To Face Myself In The Mirror, Reaching A Hand To Smooth Away The Steam, I Saw Myself Differently. It Was As If I Had Grown Again As I Slept, But This Time Just To Fit My Own Size. As If My Soul Had Expanded, Filling Out The Gaps Of The Height That Had Burdened Me All These Months. Like A Balloon Filling Slowly With Air, Becoming All Smooth And Buoyant, I Felt Like I Finally Fit Within Myself, Edge To Edge, Every Crevice Filled.

Their Words, Like The Music, Had The Potential To Be Endless.

None Of It Meant Anything, And All Of It Was Important.

Obviously It Won't All Run Smoothly. But It's Important To Awknowledge That While We May Make Mistakes, In The Long Run, We May Also Learn Fromt Them.

He Wasn't What I'd Thought He Was; Maybe He Never Had Been. I Wasn't What I'd Thought I Was, Either.

An Empty Frame, In Which The Picture Is Always Changing, Makes A Statement About How Time Is Always Passing. It Doesn't Really Stop, Even In A Single Image. I T Just Feels That Way.

I Spent A Lot Of Time Looking At That Picture. Wondering What I’d Think Of That Girl, If I Was Someone Else, Seeing How Easily She Sits In Her Boyfriend’s Lap, Laughing, With His Arms Around Her. I Would Have Thought Her Life Was Perfect, The Way I Once Thought Cass’s Was. It Was Too Easy, I Was Learning, To Just Assume Things.

The Way I See It," She Continued, "is That Some Things Are Just Meant To Be The Way They Are.

So It Just Wasn't In My House. Anywhere, I Looked Like I Knew About The Toilet.

Everything Hurt. I Closed My Eyes, Pressing My Cheek To The Street, And Waited. What For, I Didn't Know. To Be Rescued. Or Found. But No One Came. All I'd Ever Thought I Wanted Was To Be Left Alone. Until I Was.

The Thing Is I'm A Great Believer In The Perfect Moment. They Don't Come Around That Often.

That Was The Thing About Being Alone, In Theory Or In Principle. Whatever Happened - Good, Bad, Or Anywhere In Between - It Was Always, If Nothing Else, All Your Own.

But When You're Alone In The World, Really Alone, You Have No Choice But To Be Open To Suggestions.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

There Were Endless Ways To Spend Your Days, I Knew That, None Of Them Right Or Wrong. But Given The Chance For A Real Do-over, Another Way Around, Who Would Say No?

I'd Been Through So Much, Falling Short Again And Again, And Only Recently Had Found A Place Where Who I Was, Right Now, Was Enough.

We Can't Expect Everybody To Be There For Us, All At Once. So It's A Lucky Thing That Really, All You Need Is Someone.

I've Given Lots Of People Chances. But There's Only So Much Faith You Can Have In People.

But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening.

Truth About Forever

It Was A Basic Plot In Any Number Of Her Books: Girl Strikes Out, Makes Good, Finds Love, Gets Revenge. In That Order. The Making Good And Striking Out Part I Liked. The Rest Would Just Be Bonus.

I Didn't Want To Talk About What Happened, So It Seemed Safest Not To Talk At All.

Are You Crazy? Flirting With Eli Stock In Front Of Belissa Norwood, In Belissa Norwood’s House, While Eating Belissa Norwood’s Cupcakes?

From Up Above, In A Plane Passing Over, You’d Just See One Little Light In All This Dark, With No Idea Of The Lives That Were Being Lived Within It, And In The House Beside, And Beside That One. So Much Happening In The World, Night And Day, Hour By Hour. It Was No Wonder We Were Meant To Sleep, If Only To Check Out Of It For A Little While.

It Was Like Discovering That Some Part Of You Wasn't Yours At All. And It Made Me Wonder What Else I Couldn't Claim.

But You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like You’re Saying No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

I Was So Scared About Being Discovered, But Nobody Came. Nobody Heard. In My Own Ears, Though, My Sobs Sounded Primal And Scary, Like Something I Would Have Turned Off If I'd Been Able To.

And She Was Good To Me: Strong, Fun, And Fiercely Loyal. And If I Didn't Have Many Other Friends Because Of Her-most Girls Were Intimidated By Her Looks, Or Thought She Was Too Pushy, Or Just Flat-out Feared For Their Boyfriends-it Never Bothered Me. I Never Missed Having A Wide, Thick Circle Of Girlfriends: Rina Was More Than Enough. We Were Comfortable With Each Other's Flaws And Weaknesses, So We Stuck Together And Kept To Ourselves.

I Always Thought I Was Different.

That Sucks, Though," Wes Said Finally, His Voice Low. "you're Just Setting Yourself Up To Fail, Because You'll Never Get Everything Perfect." "says Who?" He Just Looked At Me. "the World," He Said, Gesturing All Around Us, As If This Party, This Deck Encompassed It All. "the Universe. There's Just No Way. And Why Would You Want Everything To Be Perfect, Anyway?" "i Don't Want Everything To Be Perfect," I Said. Just Me, I Thought. Somehow. "i Just Want—

I Drove Off, With My Friends Watching Me Go, All Of Them Grouped On Lissa's Hood. As I Pulled Onto The Road, I Glanced Into The Rearview And Saw Them: They Were Waving, Hands Moving Through The Air, Their Voices Loud, Calling Out After Me. The Square Of That Mirror Was Like A Frame, Holding This Picture Of Them Saying Good-bye, Pushing Me Forward, Before Shifting Gently Out Of Sight, Inch By Fluid Inch, As I Turned Away.

Once, I Was Easy. Now, I Was Choosy. See? Big Difference.

I'm Sorry," I Heard Him Say Again. Then, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye, I Saw A Sudden Blur Of Movement As He Slid Out Of His Seat, Left Some Bills For The Breakfast He Wouldn't Eat, And Walked Away. And As He Did, I Thought Again Of Those Mornings In The Hallway At School, Way Back In Ninth Grade. Everything Had Started In Such Sharp Detail, Each Aspect Pronounced And Clear. Obviously, Endings Were Different. Harder To See, Full Of Shapes That Could Be One Thing Or Another, With All The Things That You Were Once So Sure Of Suddenly Not Familiar, If They Were Even Recognizable At All.

I Planned My Whole Future Around Adam," She Said Now, Quietly. "and Now I Have Nothing." "no," I Told Her, "now You Just Don't Have Adam. There's A Big Difference, Lissa. You Just Can't See It Yet.

How Fast Were You?" Wes Asked Me. I Said, "not That Fast." "you Mean You Couldn't... Fly?" He Said, Smiling At Me.

Leaving Was Easy. It Was Everything Else That Was So Damned Hard.

It Seemed Like This Day Could Go In So Many Directions, Like A Spiderweb Shooting Out Toward Endless Possibilities.

Endless Possibilities

This Is Personal, She'd Said. Real. This Moment Was Too, Even If You Couldn't See It At First Glance. It Was Fake On The Outside, But So True Within. You Only Had To Look, Really Look To Tell.

It All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing.

Quiet And Incredible. I Really Envy That.

Sometimes, You Get Things Right The First Time. Others, The Second. But The Third Time, They Say, Is The Charm.

All The Bitchy Girls In The World Are Just A Training Ground For What Men Can Do To You.

It's The Same Thing,' I Told Her. 'what Is?' 'being Afraid And Being Alive.' 'no,' She Said Slowly, And Now It Was As If She Was Speaking A Language She Knew At First I Wouldn't Understand, The Very Words, Not To Mention The Concept, Being Foreign To Me. 'macy, No. It's Not.

The True Story...is The Realization That No Time In Your Life Is Ever Perfect, That Even The Best Memories Have Cracks You Might Not See.

I Didnt Pay Atteniton To Times Or Distance, Instead Focusing On How It Felt Just To Be In Motion, Knowing It Wasn't About The Finish Line But How I Got There That Mattered.

You Know, Feeling And Action Are Always Linked, One Can't Exist Without The Other. It's Sort Of A Hippie Thing.

I Wondered Which Was Harder, In The End. The Act Of Telling, Or Who You Told It To. Or Maybe If, When You Finally Got It Out, The Story Was Really All That Mattered.

I Don't Believe In Failure, Because Simply By Saying You've Failed, You've Admitted You Attempted. And Anyone Who Attempts Is Not A Failure. Those Who Truly Fail In My Eyes Are The Ones Who Never Try At All. The Ones Who Sit On The Couch And Whine And Moan And Wait For The World To Change For Them.

It Was Always Late At Night, When Everything And Everyone Else Was Quiet, That Those Voices Would Rise Like Ghosts, Soft And Haunting, Filling Your Mind Until Sleep Finally Came.

If You Expect The Worst, You'll Never Be Disappointed.

I'm Always Hopeful. I Feel Like I'm At The Prom Sitting Against The Wall Waiting For Someone To Ask Me To Dance.

Honesty In Principle Was One Thing. In Someone’s Face, It Was Another.

You Just Had To Know Where To Look.

And So Really, You Have Given Me No Choice But To Take You Shopping By Force.” She Sighed, Then Reached Up, Dropping Her Sunglasses Down From Their Perch On Her Head To Cover Her Eyes. “do You Even Realize How Happy The Average Teenage Girl Would Be In Your Shoes? I Have A Credit Card. We’re At The Mall. I Want To Buy You Things. It’s Like Adolescent Nirvana.” - Cora

So Maybe It Wasn't The Fairy Tale. But Those Stories Weren't Real Anyway. Mine Were.

Talk Was Cheap And Useless. Action Was What Mattered. And Me, I Was Moving. Now, Again, Always.

I Write Thank-you Notes The Minute I Throw The Wrapping Paper Away.

"i Don't Know," I Said. "what Else Did You Do For Your First Eighteen Years?" "like I Said," He Said As I Unlocked The Car, "i'm Not So Sure That You Should Go By My Example." "why Not?" "because I Have My Regrets," He Said. "also, I'm A Guy. And Guys Do Different Stuff." "like Ride Bikes?" I Said. "no," He Replied. "like Have Food Fights. And Break Stuff. And Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches. And..." "girls Can't Set Off Firecrackers On People's Front Porches?" "they Can," He Said... "but They're Smart Enough Not To. That's The Difference."

I Was Just Stock In The Middle, Vague And Undefined.

All I'd Ever Wanted Was To Forget. But Even When I Thought I Had, Pieces Had Kept Emerging, Like Bits Of Wood Floating Up To The Surface That Only Hint At The Shipwreck Below.

This Was Always The Problem With My Mother And Me, I Suddenly Realized. There Were So Many Things We Thought We Agreed On, But Anythign Can Have Two Meanings. Like Sides Of A Coin, It Just Matters How It Falls.

There's This Other Half Of Him I Don't Know Of, It's Like He Is Trying To Keep It A Secret... If He Would Just Let Me Inside So I Can Help.

Closed My Eyes And Listened. It Was Like Music I'd Heard All My Life, Even More Than "this Lullaby." All Those Keystrokes, All Those Letters, So Many Words. I Brushed My Fingers Over The Beads And Watched As Her Image Rippled, Like It Was On Water, Breaking Apart Gently And Shimmering Before Becoming Whole Again.

The Only Thing I Can't Stand More Than Seeing Something Done Wrong Is Seeing It Done Slowly.

Still, There Was Also Was Something Reassuring About Working For Commercial, Almost Hopeful. Like Things That Were Lost Could Be Found Again. As We Drove Away, I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On.

We'd Start Slow, The Way We Always Did, Because The Run, And The Game, Could Go On For A While. Maybe Even Forever. That Was The Thing. You Just Never Knew. Forever Was So Many Different Things. It Was Always Changing, It Was What Everything Was Really All About. It Was Twenty Minutes, Or A Hundred Years, Or Just This Instant, Or Any Instant I Wished Would Last And Last. But There Was Only One Truth About Forever That Really Mattered, And That Was This: It Was Happening. Right Then, As I Ran With Wes Into That Bright Sun, And Every Moment Afterwards. Look, There. Now. Now. Now.

He's Getting Dumped. And He Doesn't Even Know It Yet. He's Probably Eating A Cheeseburger Or Flossing Or Picking Up His Dry Cleaning, And He Has No Idea. No Inkling.

It's So Easy To Get Caught Up In What People Expect Of You. Sometimes, You Can Just Lose Yourself.

Losing Yourself

I'd Learn That It's Not Just Where You Go, But How You Choose To Get There. So I Pulled That Sign Off The Green Bike - Enjoy Your Ride! - And Went Inside To Take The First Step Toward Doing Just That.

I Have Boobs!" Chloe Said Again, A Bit Too Loudly— She'd Already Had A Couple Of Mini Bottles At The Spot. "my Boobs Are Great, Goddammit. You Know That? They're Fantastic! My Boobs Are Amazing.

Lifestyle Is An Terrible, Unpleasant Put To Not Have A Very Finest Buddy.

And I Wondered If, In The End, This Is How All Disputes Are Settled, With A Shared Silence As Things Become Equal. You Take Something From Me, I Take Something From You. We All Want Balance, One Way Or Another.

Why Does She Have Wings?' So She Can Fly.

All Of My Stories, They Don't Come From My High School Experience, But They're Definitely Based On Things That Happened To Me In High School, Or Things That Happened To Friends Of Mine, Or Things That I Wish Had Happened To Me.

Don't Be A Fool. Don't Give Up Something Important To Hold Onto Someone Who Can't Even Say They Love You.

I Reached Up With My Finger And Traced The Scar Over My Eyebrow, Remembering When That Was The Greatest Hurt I'd Ever Known.

I Think Whenever A Writer Is Really Enjoying Themselves And Liking What They Are Doing, That Shows On The Page.

The World Is Speaking To You Every Day, You Just Don't Know How To Listen.

This Was Just One Night, One Chance To Vary And See Where It Took Me. The Fireflies Were Probably Already Out: Maybe It Wasn’t Just A Season Or A Time But A Whole World I’d Forgotten. I’d Never Know Until I Stepped Out Into It. So I Did.

It Is Kind Of Hard To Hold A Lot In. But For Me… It’s Sometimes Even Harder To Let It Out.

Maybe My Sister And I Shared More Than We Thought. We Were Both Waiting And Wishing For Something We Couldn't Completely Control: I Wanted To Be Alone, And She The Total Opposite. It Was Weird, Really, To Have Something So Contrary In Common. But At Least It Was Something.

I Just Have To Be Super Strong When It Comes To My Work Time. Shut The Browser, Ignore The Email Alerts, And Just Write.

Why Don't You Ever Wait A Second And See What I'm Planning, Or Thinking, Before You Burst In With Your Opinions And Ideas? You Never Even Give Me A Chance.

But I'd Long Ago Learned Not To Be Picky In Farewells. They Weren't Guaranteed Or Promised. You Were Lucky, More Than Blessed, If You Got A Good-bye At All.

I Wasn't Very Happy In High School: It Was A Confusing And Sort Of Sad Time For Me.

Despite Our Differences, We Did Have A History. No One Understood Where I Was Coming From The Way He Did.

I'd Known Enough People For Every Minute Of The Day, And Yet Still Didn't Have Anyone As My Two A.m.

I Took In A Breath. "what's The One Thing You'd Do," I Asked. "if You Could Do Anything?" Pass," He Said. For A Second I Was Sure I'd Heard Wrong. "what?" He Cleared His Throat. "i Said, I Pass." Why?" He Turned His Head And Looked At Me. "because." Because Why?" Because I Just Do.

As For Me, I Was Just Trying To Get It Right, Whatever That Means. But Now I Finally Felt I Was On My Way. Everyone Had A Forever, But Given A Choice, This Would Be Mine. The One That Began In This Moment, With Wes, In A Kiss That Took My Breath Away, Then Gave It Back - Leaving Meastounded, Amazed And Most Of All, Alive.

“in Truth,” I Said, “there Are No Rules Other Than You Have To Tell The Truth.” “how Do You Win?” He Asked. “that,” I Said, “is Such A Boy Question.

Telling The Truth

It Hadn't Even Occured To Me That Somebody Would Believe Mine.

I Always Tried To Imagine What It Would Be Like To Open Your Door To Find Something You Had Given Up On. Maybe It Had Seen Places You Never Had, Been Rerouted And Passed Through So Many Strange Hands, But Still Somehow Found Its Way Back To You, All Before The Day Even Began.

With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

He'd Always Had That Fearless Optimism That Made Cynics Like Me Squirm. I Wondered If It Was Enough For Both Of Us. I Would Never Know From Here, Though. And Time Was Passing. Crucial Minutes And Seconds, Each One Capable Of Changing Everything.

Yeah. I Mean, Acknowledging Is Easy. Something Happened Or It Didn't. But Understanding... That's Where Things Get Sticky.

I'd Heard Of Evergreen Care Center Before. Cass And I Had Always Made Fun Of The Stupid Ads They Ran On Tv, Featuring Some Dragged-out Woman With A Limp Perm And Big, Painted-on Circles Under Her Eyes, Downing Vodka And Sobbing Uncontrollably. "we Can't Heal You At Evergreen", The Very Somber Voiceover Said. "but We Can Help You To Heal Yourself." It Had Become Our Own Running Joke, Applicable To Almost Anything. "hey Cass, "i'd Say, "hand Me That Toothpaste." "caitlin," She'd Say, Her Voice Dark And Serious. "i Can't Hand You The Toothpaste. But I Can Help You Hand The Toothpaste To Yourself.

I Always Have A Goal, Even If I Keep It To Myself. It Allows Me To Keep Pushing Myself.

And So We Stood There In The Kitchen, My Mother And I, Facing Off Over Everything That Had Built Up Since June, When I Was Willing To Hand Myself Over Free And Clear. Now I Needed Her To Return It All To Me, With The Faith That I Could Make My Own Way.

N The Dark Everyone Felt The Same: The Edges Blurred. When I Think Of Myself Then, What I Was Like Two Years Ago, I Feel Like A Wound In A Bad Place, Prone To Be Bumped On Corners Or Edges. Never Able To Heal.

Writing A Novel Is Like Childbirth: Once You Realize How Awful It Really Is, You Never Want To Do It Again.

Needing Was So Easy: It Came Naturally, Like Breathing. Being Needed By Someone Else, Though, That Was The Hard Part. But As With Giving Help And Accepting It, We Had To Do Both To Be Made Complete-like Links Overlapping To Form A Chain, Or A Lock Finding The Right Key.

Well, It's True That I Have Been Hurt In My Life. Quite A Bit. But It's Also True That I Have Loved, And Been Loved. And That Carries A Weight Of Its Own. A Greater Weight, In My Opinion. It's Like That Pie Chart We Talked About Earlier. In The End, I'll Look Back On My Life And See That The Greatest Piece Of It Was Love. The Problems, The Divorces, The Sadness... Those Will Be There Too, But Just Smaller Slivers, Tiny Pieces.

I Couldn't Imagine What It Would Be Like To Be One Of So Many, To Have Not Just Parents And Siblings But Cousins And Aunts And Uncles, An Entire Tribe To Claim As Your Own. Maybe You Would Feel Lost In The Crowd. Or Sheltered By It. Whatever The Case, One Things Was For Sure: Like It Or Not, You'd Never Be Alone.

During This Time We've Been Apart, It's You I've Thought Of When I'm At My Weakest, And You Who Have Pulled Me Through.

Life Shouldn't Be About The Either/or. We're Capable Of More Than That, You Know?

The Thing About Wes," Delia Said To Me, Unwrapping Another Package Of Turkey, "is That He Thinks He Can Fix Anything. And If He Can't Fix It, He Can At Least Do Something With The Pieces Of What's Broken.

It Was Just One Of Those Things," I Said, "you Know, That Just Happen. You Don't Think Or Plan. You Just Do It.

What Happened To Goodbye?

Missing Someone

I'd Chosen Instead To Just Change My Route, Go Miles Out Of The Way, As If Avoiding It Would Make It Go Away Once And For All.

There Was Only So Much Space Between Us, Not Even A Real Distance If Measured In Miles Or Feet Or Even Inches, All The Things That Told You How Far You'd Come Or Had Left To Go. But It Was A Big Space, If Only For Me. And As I Moved Forward To Him Covering It, He Waited There On The Other Side. It Was Only The Last Little Bit I Has To Go, But In The End, I Knew It Would Be All I Would Truly Remember. So As I Kissed Him, Bringing This Summer And Everything Else Full Circle, I Let Myself Fall, And Was Not Scared Of The Ground I Knew Would Rise Up To Meet Me.

I Looked Down Again At The Sign In My Hand - Enjoy The Ride! - And It Seemed, Suddenly, To Be Just That. A Sign.

All We Had Was Her Room, Her Stories, And The Quiet That Settled In As We Tried In Vain To Spread Ourselves Out And Fill The Space She'd Left Behind.

It Was Becoming Clear To Me That I Shouldn't Bother To Get Too Attached To Anything. Turn Your Back And You Lose It. Just Like That.

If You Try Anything, If You Try To Lose Weight, Or To Improve Yourself, Or To Love, Or To Make The World A Better Place, You Have Already Achieved Something Wonderful, Before You Even Begin. Forget Failure. If Things Don't Work Out The Way You Want, Hold Your Head Up High And Be Proud. And Try Again. And Again. And Again!

After Everything That Happened, How Could I Miss Him? But I Did, I Did.

As If He Was Beating Me To The Punch, His Words Living Forever, While I Was Left Speechless, No Rebuttal, No Words Left To Say.

It's All About You, Colie." She Touched One Finger To Her Temple, Tap Tap Tap. "believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine." There Is Something Infectious About Confidence. And For That One Moment, With My Eyebrows Burning And My Eyes Watering, I Believed. "and Good Hair Never Hurt Either.

No Matter How Much Time Has Passed, These Things Still Affect Us And The World We Live In. If You Don't Pay Attention To The Past, You'll Never Understand The Future. It's All Linked Together.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

Events Conspired To Bring You Back To Where You'd Been. It Was What You Did Then That Made All The Difference: It Was All About Potential.

Maybe We Were All Destined To Just Keep Doing The Same Stupid Things, Over And Over Again, Never Really Learning A Single Thing.

Just Me And The Future, Finally Together. Now There Was A Happy Ending I Could Believe In.

Donneven, Bettaquit And Mmmhmmmm

Being A Star Requires Risk-taking Shoes.

Now, Now," My Father Said. "let's Just Get The Bags." This Was Typical. My Father, The Lone Male In Our Estrogen-heavy Household, Had Always Dealt With Any Kind Of Emotional Situation Or Conflict By Doing Something Concrete And Specific. Discussion Of Cramps And Heavy Flow At The Breakfast Table? He Was Up And Out The Door To Change Oil On One Of Our Cars. Coming Home In Tears For Reasons You Just Didn't Want To Discuss? He'd Go Make You A Grilled Cheese, Which He'd Probably End Up Eating. Family Crisis Brewing In A Public Place? Bags. Get The Bags.

I'd Come Here Planning To Leave As Soon As I Could. It Was A Pit Stop, Not A Destination. I Had My Whole Life Mapped Out." "so What Happened?" "i Guess That Map Didn't Turn Out To Be Mine After All.

Like A Blinking Cursor On An Empty Page, It Was Just The First Thing. The Beginning Of The Beginning. But At Least It Was Done.

That Was The Nice Thing About The Spot: You Could Hear Everything, But No One Could See You.

Really? Screaming?” He Shrugged. “it Wasn’t That Bad. But There Were Definitely Some Freak-outs On Both Sides. Though, To Be Honest, The Silence Was Worse.” “worse Than Screaming?” I Said. “much,” He Said, Nodding. “i Mean, At Least With An Argument, You Know What’s Happening. Or Have Some Idea. Silence Is… It Could Be Anything. It’s Just –” “so Freaking Loud,” I Finished For Him. He Pointed At Me. “exactly.

Friends Are Honest With Each Other. Even If The Truth Hurts. -maggie

The Bottom Line Is, What Defines You Isn't How Many Times You Crash, But The Number Of Times You Get Back On The Bike. As Long As It's One More. You're All Good.

Okay. Enough." I Got Out Of The Closet, Brushing Myself Off, Then Turned Around To Face Her. "this Is Happening. So You Need To Go Downstairs, Face Your Fears, And Make The Best Of It, And Everything Will Be Okay." She Narrowed Her Eyes At Me. "when Did You Suddenly Become So Positive?" "just Get Out Of There.

What Do You Do When You Finally Hear Everything You've Always Thought Said Aloud?

Hey, And For What It's Worth? Friends Don't Leave You Alone In The Woods. Friends Are The Ones Who Come And Take You Out.

Once She'd Loved My Filet Mignon, My Carnivore Inklings, But Now She Was A Vegan Princess, Living Off Of Beans. She'd Given Up The Cheese And Bacon, Sworn Off Burger King, And When I Wouldn't Do The Same She Gave Me Back My Ring. I Stood There By The Romaine Lettuce, Feeling My Heart Pine. Wishing That This Meatless Beauty Still Would Be All Mine. She Turned Around To Go To Checkout, Fifteen Items Or Less. And I Knew This Was The Last Go-round, So This Is What I Said. ... "don't You Ever Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

Grief Can Be A Burden, But Also An Anchor. You Get Used To The Weight, How It Holds You In Place.

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Christopher Hampton

Edgar Rice Burroughs

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