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With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

-Sarah Dessen

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With Total Strangers, It

Sarah Dessen

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With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

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At Every Wedding Someone Stays Home.

But You Don’t Have To Give Everyone The Benefit Of The Doubt.” “you Don’t Have To Assume The Worst About Everyone, Either. The World Isn’t Always Out To Get You.

During This Time We've Been Apart, It's You I've Thought Of When I'm At My Weakest, And You Who Have Pulled Me Through.

This Is Personal, She'd Said. Real. This Moment Was Too, Even If You Couldn't See It At First Glance. It Was Fake On The Outside, But So True Within. You Only Had To Look, Really Look To Tell.

I've Always Known Who I Am. I Might Not Work Perfectly, Or Be Like Them, But That's Okay. I Know I Work In My Own Way.

N The Dark Everyone Felt The Same: The Edges Blurred. When I Think Of Myself Then, What I Was Like Two Years Ago, I Feel Like A Wound In A Bad Place, Prone To Be Bumped On Corners Or Edges. Never Able To Heal.

In The End, Though, Maybe It's Not How You Reach A Place That Matters. Just That You Get There At All.

D.c., Baltimore, Philadelphia, Austin... And You. I'll Be There Soon.

I Hoped This Was True. Even If It Wasn‟t, All I Could Do Was Hand Over What I Could, With The Hope Of Something In Return. But Of Course, This Was Easier Said Than Done.

You Bought Me Some Forks. And Knives. And Spoons. Because You Love Me!

With Total Strangers, It Had Always Been My Policy To Expect The Worst. Usually They-and Those That You Knew Best, For That Matter-did Not Disappoint.

I Was Actually Kind Of A Hot Mess In High School. I Did A Lot Of Things In High School I'm Not Proud Of. I Wasn't A Good Student And I Wasn't Particularly A Good Daughter. I Wasn't Very Engaged.

I Wasn't Very Happy In High School: It Was A Confusing And Sort Of Sad Time For Me.

I Just Can't Ever Be A Free Spirit And Just Relax. When It Comes To Work, This Is Good. I'm Very Disciplined, Which With Writing Is Often Half The Battle, Or More. But It Also Means That If I Want To, Say, Play Hooky And Chocolate And Watch Bravo All Afternoon, I Feel Horribly Guilty. I Wish I Could Find A Nice Balance.

I Love Ya, And It's Been A Really Good Fit For Me. But At Some Point, I Would Like To Try Something Else: A Collection Of Short Stories, Or Writing About Something Other Than High School. A Lot Has Happened To Me Since I Was Eighteen.

And So We Stood There In The Kitchen, My Mother And I, Facing Off Over Everything That Had Built Up Since June, When I Was Willing To Hand Myself Over Free And Clear. Now I Needed Her To Return It All To Me, With The Faith That I Could Make My Own Way.

There Are Worse Addictions Than Reality Tv, Chocolate And Coffee.

You Should Never Be Surprised When Someone Treats You With Respect, You Should Expect It.

I Was Heading Off To My New World. But I Was Taking A Part Of My Past, And The Future, Along With Me For The Ride.

After All With Me & Marshall, It Had Never Been About Words Or Conversation, Where There Was Too Much To Be Risked Or Lost. Here, Though, In The Quiet Pressed Against Each Other, This Felt Familiar To Me. And It Was Nice To Let Someone Get Close Again, Even If It Was Just For A Little While.

I'm Sorry," I Heard Him Say Again. Then, Out Of The Corner Of My Eye, I Saw A Sudden Blur Of Movement As He Slid Out Of His Seat, Left Some Bills For The Breakfast He Wouldn't Eat, And Walked Away. And As He Did, I Thought Again Of Those Mornings In The Hallway At School, Way Back In Ninth Grade. Everything Had Started In Such Sharp Detail, Each Aspect Pronounced And Clear. Obviously, Endings Were Different. Harder To See, Full Of Shapes That Could Be One Thing Or Another, With All The Things That You Were Once So Sure Of Suddenly Not Familiar, If They Were Even Recognizable At All.

And The Rest Is History,' I Said. Nah.' He Shook His Head. 'the Rest Is Now.

Macon: “it’s True. And If That Doesn’t Work, Use The Jedi Mind Trick. But Only If You Really Have To.” Halley: “the What?” Macon: “the Jedi Mind Trick.” He Looked At Me. “didn’t You Ever See Star Wars?

And I Felt Comfort. Finally. All I'd Wanted For So Long Was For Someone To Explain Everything That Had Happened To Me In This Same Way. To Label It Neatly On A Page: This Leads To This Leads To This. I Knew, Deep Down, It Was More Complicated Than That, But Watching Jason, I Was Hopeful. He Took The Mess That Was Macbeth And Fixed It, And I Had To Wonder If He Might, In Some Small Way, Be Able To Do The Same For Me. So I Moved Myself Closer To Him, And I'd Been There Ever Since.

When Someone Starts To Change, And It’s Obvious, It's Sort Of Natural To Wonder Why. Right?

That Was The Hard Thing About Grief, And The Grieving. They Spoke Another Language, And The Words We Knew Always Fell Short Of What We Wanted Them To Say.

It Shouldn't Be Easy To Be Amazing. Then Everything Would Be. It's The Things You Fight For And Struggle With Before Earning That Have The Greatest Worth. When Something's Difficult To Come By, You'll Do That Much More To Make Sure It's Even Harder ― Or Impossible ― To Lose.

Relationships Dont Always Make Sense. Especially From The Outside

"which Is Completely Out-of-line Behavior. Then You Are Wholly Within Your Rights To Stomp On Their Foot." "no," Delia Said, Over Her Shoulder. "actually, You're Not. Just Excuse Yourself As Politely As Possible, And Get Out Of Arm's Reach." Kristy Looked At Me, Shaking Her Head. "stomp Them." She Said, Under Her Breath. "really."

You're Wrong," I Told Her. "i Lost That Faith A Long Time Ago." She Looked At Me As I Said This, An Expression Of Quiet Understanding On Her Face. "maybe You Didn't, Though," She Said Softly. "lose It, I Mean." "lissa." "no, Just Hear Me Out." She Looked Out At The Road For A Second, Then Back At Me. "maybe, You Just Misplaced It, You Know? It's Been There. But You Just Haven't Been Looking In The Right Spot. Because Lost Means Forever, It's Gone. But Misplaced... That Means It's Still Around, Somewhere. Just Not Where You Thought.

Because If You Were The Problem, Chances Were You Could Also Be The Solution. The Only Way To Find Out Was To Take Another Shot.

When You Can't Save Yourself Or Your Heart, It Helps To Be Able To Save Face.

Some People, They Can't Just Move On, You Know, Mourn And Cry And Be Done With It. Or At Least Seem To Be. But For Me... I Don't Know. I Didn't Want To Fix It, To Forget. It Wasn't Something That Was Broken. It's Just...something That Happened. And Like That Hole, I'm Just Finding Ways, Every Day, Of Working Around It. Respecting And Remembering And Getting On At The Same Time.

All Those Clean, Fresh Starts Had Made Me Forget What It Was Like, Until Now, To Be Messy And Honest And Out Of Control. To Be Real.

There Are Some Things In This World You Rely On, Like A Sure Bet. And When They Let You Down, Shifting From Where You've Carefully Placed Them, It Shakes Your Faith, Right Where You Stand.

I'm Always Hopeful. I Feel Like I'm At The Prom Sitting Against The Wall Waiting For Someone To Ask Me To Dance.

Usually When I Finish The Draft Of A Book, I'm Sure I'll Never Write Another One. I'm Just That Tired And Sick Of Myself. But Then Another Idea Starts Percolating. It Usually Begins With The Narrator's Name, Then Some Idea That Intrigues Me About Her Life Or Situation. I Try To Ignore It As Long As I Can, Because I Know When I Start Writing, I'll Be Right Back Into It, Every Single Day. But Eventually, I Just Have To. It's A Compulsion!

Harder To Get In Than Out, Like So Little Else.

He's Getting Dumped. And He Doesn't Even Know It Yet. He's Probably Eating A Cheeseburger Or Flossing Or Picking Up His Dry Cleaning, And He Has No Idea. No Inkling.

Funny How A Beautiful Song Could Tell Such A Sad Story

My Point Is, There Are A Lot Of People In The World. No One Ever Sees Everything The Same Way You Do; It Just Doesn't Happen. So When You Find One Person Who Gets A Couple Of Things, Especially If They're Important Ones... You Might As Well Hold On To Them. You Know?

Individual Differences

Because You Can Never Go From Going Out To Being Friends, Just Like That. It's A Lie. It's Just Something That People Say They'll Do To Take The Permanence Out Of A Breakup. And Someone Always Takes It To Mean More Than It Does, And Then Is Hurt Even More When, Inevitably, Said ‘friendly' Relationship Is Still A Major Step Down From The Previous Relationship, And It's Like Breaking Up All Over Again. But Messier.

And That Was As Far As He Got Before I Heard It. The Thumping Of Footsteps, Running Up The Lawn Toward Me: It Seemed Like I Could Hear It Through The Grass, Like Leaning Your Ear To A Railroad Track And Feeling The Train Coming, Miles Away. As The Noise Got Closer I Could Hear Ragged Breaths, And Then A Voice. It Was My Mother.

I Felt Like I'd Been Swimming So Hard, And The Water Growing Warmer And Warmer The Closer I Got To The Top. I Wasn't There Yet, But Now I Could See The Surface, Rippling Just Beyond My Fingers.

Shoulda, Coulda, Woulda. It's So Easy In The Past Tense.

Sometimes A Question Can Hurt More Than An Answer.

My Agent Is So Totally Honest, Which Is Just What Every Writer Needs. She Won't Let Me Sell A Crappy Book, Even If I Want To.

You Get What You Give, But Also What You're Willing To Take. The Night Before, I'd Offered Up My Hand. Now, If I Held On, There Was No Telling What It Was Possible To Recieve In Return.

I Was Worn Out, Broken: He Had Taken Almost Everything. But He'd Been All I'd Had, All This Time. And When The Police Led Him Away, I Pulled Out Of The Hands Of All These Loved One, Sobbing, Screaming, Everything Hurting, To Try And Make Him Stay.

Closed My Eyes And Listened. It Was Like Music I'd Heard All My Life, Even More Than "this Lullaby." All Those Keystrokes, All Those Letters, So Many Words. I Brushed My Fingers Over The Beads And Watched As Her Image Rippled, Like It Was On Water, Breaking Apart Gently And Shimmering Before Becoming Whole Again.

But Risk Is Just Part Of Relationships. Sometimes They Work, Sometimes They Don't.

The Worst Thing You Can Do If You Miss Or Need Someone Is Let Them Know It.

Missing Someone

Her Life Was Perfect. But As Was Often The Case, The Rest Of Us Were Still Adjusting.

You Can Never Be Sure Of Anyone Until You're Close Enough To See Them Clearly.

You Don't Have To Say It Out Loud. I Already Know Why You Like Me.' 'you Do, Huh?' 'yep.' He Wrapped His Arms Around My Waist, Pulling Me Closer. 'so,' I Said. 'tell Me' 'it's An Animal Attraction,' He Said Simply. 'totally Chemical.' 'hmm,' I Said. 'you Could Be Right.' 'it Doesn't Matter, Anyway, Why You Like Me.' 'no?' 'nope.' His Hands Were In My Hair Now, And I Was Leaning In, Not Able To Totally Make Out His Face, But His Voice Was Clear, Close To My Ear. 'just That You Do.

I Don't Get It,' Caroline Said, Bemused. 'she's The Only One With Wings. Why Is That?' There Were So Many Questions In Life. You Couldn't Ever Have All The Answers. But I Knew This One. It's So She Can Fly,' I Said. Then I Started To Run.

The Way I See It," She Continued, "is That Some Things Are Just Meant To Be The Way They Are.

If You Expect The Worst, You'll Never Be Disappointed.

And I Wondered If, In The End, This Is How All Disputes Are Settled, With A Shared Silence As Things Become Equal. You Take Something From Me, I Take Something From You. We All Want Balance, One Way Or Another.

Let Me Guess,” Eli Said, His Voice That Low, Even Timbre, As Always. “drinking From Kegs Also Falls Under Outdoor Activity.” I Just Looked At Him, Standing There In Jeans And The Same Blue Hoodie He’d Had On The First Time I Met Him. Maybe It Was The Embarrassment, Which Had Been Bad Enough Before I Had An Audience, But I Was Instantly Annoyed. I Said, “are We Outside?” He Glanced Round, As If Needing To Confirm This. “nope.” “then No.” I Turned My Attention Back To The Keg.

The Bottom Line Is, What Defines You Isn't How Many Times You Crash, But The Number Of Times You Get Back On The Bike. As Long As It's One More. You're All Good.

When He Stopped Walking And Kissed Me A Few Minutes Later, It Was Like Time Had Stopped, With The Air, My Heart, And The World All So Still. And It Was This I Remembered Every Other Time I Was With Marshall.

But As I Lay There, It Only Seemes Like Silence Filling My Ears. And The Thing Was, It Was So Freaking Loud.

Don't Be A Fool. Don't Give Up Something Important To Hold Onto Someone Who Can't Even Say They Love You.

I Wondered Which Was Harder, In The End. The Act Of Telling, Or Who You Told It To. Or Maybe If, When You Finally Got It Out, The Story Was Really All That Mattered.

I Bet You Can't Eat Ten Bananas!" "i Bet You're Right.

But In The Real World, You Couldnt Really Just Split A Family Down The Middle, Mom On One Side, Dad The Other, With The Child Equally Divided Between. It Was Like When You Ripped A Piece Of Paper Into Two: No Matter How You Tried, The Seams Never Fit Exactly Right Again. It Was What You Couldn't See, Those Tiniest Of Pieces, That Were Lost In The Severing, And Their Absence Kept Everything From Being Complete.

It Took A Lot Of Work To Be Perfect. If You Didn’t Want To Break A Sweat, There Was No Point In Even Bothering.

My Point Is You're Different Here. Hollis I've Only Been Here For A Month. A Lot Can Happen In A Month He Replied. Shoot In Two Weeks I Met My Future Wife Changed My Entire Life's Trajectory And Bought My First Tie. You Bought A Tie I Asked. Because Honestly This Was The Most Shocking Part.

The End Of A Wedding Reception Is Always So Depressing. And Only The Bride And Groom Are Spared, Jetting Off Into The Sunset While The Rest Of Us Wake Up The Next Morning To Just Another Day.

Needing Was So Easy: It Came Naturally, Like Breathing. Being Needed By Someone Else, Though, That Was The Hard Part. But As With Giving Help And Accepting It, We Had To Do Both To Be Made Complete-like Links Overlapping To Form A Chain, Or A Lock Finding The Right Key.

Your Mother Won A Special Reward," She Told Me, "because Everyone Had A Head In Her Pictures. We All Applauded.

Their Words, Like The Music, Had The Potential To Be Endless.

Nothing Happens For Ages, And Then All The Changes Come At Once.

Times Like This It Did Seem Real I Was Leaving, And Even More That My Family, And This Life, Would Go On Without Me. And Again I Felt That Emptiness Rise Up, But Pushed It Away. Still, I Lingered There, In The Doorway, Memorizing The Noise. The Moment. Tucking It Away Out Of Sight, To Be Remembered When I Needed It Most.

She Knew I Could Tell With One Glance, One Look, One Simple Instant. It Was Her Eyes. Despite The Thick Makeup, They Were Still Dark-rimmed., Haunted, And Sad. Most Of All Though, They Were Familiar. The Fact That We Were In Front Of Hundreds Of Strangers Changed Nothing At All. I'd Spent A Summer With Those Same Eyes-scared, Lost, Confused-staring Back At Me. I Would Have Known Them Anywhere.

Love Is So Unpredictable. That's What Makes It So Great.

It Was Becoming Clear To Me That I Shouldn't Bother To Get Too Attached To Anything. Turn Your Back And You Lose It. Just Like That.

There Was Only So Much Space Between Us, Not Even A Real Distance If Measured In Miles Or Feet Or Even Inches, All The Things That Told You How Far You'd Come Or Had Left To Go. But It Was A Big Space, If Only For Me. And As I Moved Forward To Him Covering It, He Waited There On The Other Side. It Was Only The Last Little Bit I Has To Go, But In The End, I Knew It Would Be All I Would Truly Remember. So As I Kissed Him, Bringing This Summer And Everything Else Full Circle, I Let Myself Fall, And Was Not Scared Of The Ground I Knew Would Rise Up To Meet Me.

The Truth About Forever Is That It Is Happening Right Now.

Truth About Forever

Call It Chicken Salad

So You Should Remember That, When You're Thinking About What Other People Can Deal With. Maybe It's Not So Bad.

She Smiled, Pulling The Photo A Little Closer, And I Wondered If I Should Ask Her, Too, The Question For My Project, Get Her Definition. But As She Ran A Finger Slowly Across The Faces, Identifying Each One, It Occurred To Me That Maybe This Was Her Answer. All Those Names, Strung Together Like Beads On A Chain. Coming Together, Splitting Apart, But Still And Always, A Family. (page 289) ~ruby

I Didn't Want To Talk About What Happened, So It Seemed Safest Not To Talk At All.

I Remembered Owen Telling Me How Music Had Saved Him In Phoenix, That It Drowned Everything Out, And It Was The Same For Me Now. As Long As I Had Something To Listen To, I Could Blur The Things I Didn't Want To Think About, If Not Block Them Out Completely.

Events Conspired To Bring You Back To Where You'd Been. It Was What You Did Then That Made All The Difference: It Was All About Potential.

All Of My Stories, They Don't Come From My High School Experience, But They're Definitely Based On Things That Happened To Me In High School, Or Things That Happened To Friends Of Mine, Or Things That I Wish Had Happened To Me.

Okay," He Said. He Took A Breath. "what Would You Do, If You Could Do Anything?" I Took A Step Toward Him, Closing The Space Between Us. "this." I Said. And Then I Kissed Him.

You Just Looked..." She Said, Searching For The Word, "taken, You Know? Plus You Hardly Reacted To Wes. I Mean, You Did Alittle, But Nothing Like Most Girls. It Was A Little Swoon. Not A Sa-woon, You Know?" I Said, "sa-woon? Oh, Come On," She Said Shaking Her Head. "even A Blind Girl Could Tell He Is Amazing.

It's So, So Stupid What We Do To Ourselves Because We're Afraid. It's So Stupid.

It's Not Forever', She'd Said, But To My Mother, It Might As Well Have Been. She Had Make Her Choice, And This Was It, Where She Felt Safe, In A World She Could, For The Most Part, Control.

You Just Had To Know Where To Look.

I've Always Written In First Person. It Gives The Readers More Insight.

Pretend To Be A Delinquent?" I Asked Clarifying. "you Can Do It," Dave Advised Me. "just Don't Smile, And Try To Look Like You're Considering Stealing Something.

The Choices You Make Now, The People You Surround Yourself With, They All Have The Potential To Affect Your Life, Even Who You Are, Forever.

I Don't Think Anyone Would Think That An Ellipsis Represents Doubt Or Anything. I Think It's More, You Know, Hinting At The Future. What Lies Ahead.

Listen,"kristy Said," The Truth Is,nothing Is Guranteed. You Know Better Than Anybody." She Looked At Me Hard,making Sure I Knew What She Meant.i Did."so Don't Be Afraid.be Alive.

I Think If You're Going To Show A True Representation Of Any One Life, It Can't Be About Any One Thing. I Try To See More Of A Full Picture, With The Romance Just A Single Part.

But Against Love, The Case Was Solid. Easily Argued. And You Could, Indeed, Hold It In Your Hand.

Maybe You Could Go Backwards And Forwards At The Same Time, But It Wasn't Easy. You Had To Want To.

I Can Say I Made A Lot Of Mistakes, But I Don't Regret Things. Because At Least I Didn't Spend A Life Standing Outside, Wondering What Living Would Be Like.

Believe In Yourself Up Here And It Will Make You Stronger Than You Could Ever Imagine.

One Word Could Change The Whole World

I Looked Down Again At The Sign In My Hand - Enjoy The Ride! - And It Seemed, Suddenly, To Be Just That. A Sign.

So What Do You Wear To Dump Somebody?" She Asked Me, Twirling A Lock Of Hair Around One Finger. "black, For Mourning? Or Something Cheerful And Colorful, To Distract Them From Their Pain? Or Maybe You Wear Some Sort Of Camouflage, Something That Will Help You Disappear Quickly In Case They Don't Take It Well.

Sometimes It Seems Safer To Hold It All In, Where The Only Person Who Can Judge Is Yourself.

You Didn't Fail. You Just Opted Out. There's A Difference.

I’d Only Met Him Once, At The Mall. He Was Tall, With A Big Floppy Shock Of Blond Hair He Was Always Getting Out Of His Face By Jerking His Head Suddenly To The Side, Whiplash-style. Rina Found This Incredibly Sexy. It Made Me Nervous. - Caitlin About Jeff

Best Friends. And I Thought Of What She Had Done All The Millions Of Times I Cried To Her, Collapsing At Even The Slightest Wounding Of My Heart Or Pride. So I Reached Over And Pulled Her To Me, Wrapping My Arms Around Her, And Held My Best Friend Close, Returning So Many Favors All At Once.

A Thump Thump Thump Noise That Was So Unfamiliar, And Yet I Couldn't Quite Place It. But I Knew It. It Was - "mmm-hmmm," Monica Murmured, Just As Wes Came View Into The Path. He Was Running, His Pace Quick And Steady. He Was In Shorts, His Shirt Off, Staring Ahead As He Passed. His Back Was Tan And Gleaming With Sweat.

You Know, When You Think About It, That’s Kind Of A Weird Thing. I Mean It’s Meant To Be Sympathetic, Right? But It’s Kind Of Not. Like You’re Telling The Person There’s Nothing Unique About What They’re Saying I Considered This As A Couple Of Kids On Rollerblades Whizzed Past, Hockey Sticks Over Their Shoulders. “yeah,” I Said, Finally, “but You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

I've Given Lots Of People Chances. But There's Only So Much Faith You Can Have In People.

Lissa Lowered Her Voice And Added, "i Might Not Even Go To School Anyway. I Might Defer And Join The Peace Corps And Go To Africa And Shave My Head And Dig Latrines." "shave Your Head?" I Said, Because, Really, This Was The Most Ludicrous Part Of The Whole Thing. "you? Do You Have Any Idea How Ugly Most People's Bare Heads Are? They've Got All Kinds Of Bumps, Lissa. And You Won't Know Until It's Too Late And You're Flat-out Bald.

It's Not Always So Simple, Haven. Sometimes There Isn't A Good Guy And A Bad Guy. Sometimes Even The Ones You Want To Believe Turn Out To Be Liars.

Life Has A Way Of Disregarding Even Your Best Intentions.

Best Intentions

That First Love. And The First One Who Breaks Your Heart. For Me, They Just Happen To Be The Same Person.

I Walked Over, My Eyes Scanning Luna Blu, My House, And Dave's. But It Was The Building Behind Them, That Empty Hotel, That Had The Tiniest Light, Provided By One Word, Written In Fluorescent Paint. Maybe It Wasn't What Was Once There, In Real Life. But In This One, It Said It All: Stay.

If This Was My Instinct Talking, I Didn‟t Want To Hear What It Was Saying.

Once She'd Loved My Filet Mignon, My Carnivore Inklings, But Now She Was A Vegan Princess, Living Off Of Beans. She'd Given Up The Cheese And Bacon, Sworn Off Burger King, And When I Wouldn't Do The Same She Gave Me Back My Ring. I Stood There By The Romaine Lettuce, Feeling My Heart Pine. Wishing That This Meatless Beauty Still Would Be All Mine. She Turned Around To Go To Checkout, Fifteen Items Or Less. And I Knew This Was The Last Go-round, So This Is What I Said. ... "don't You Ever Give Me No Rotten Tomato, 'cause All I Ever Wanted Was Your Sweet Potato.

Writing A Novel Is Like Childbirth: Once You Realize How Awful It Really Is, You Never Want To Do It Again.

But You Could Also Look At It The Other Way. Like You’re Saying No Matter How Bad Things Are For You, I Can Still Relate.

One Word," Ted Replied, Dead Serious, "can Change The Whole World." There Was A Moment While We All Considered This. Finally Lissa Said To Chloe, Loud Enough For All Of Us To Hear (she'd Had A Minibottle Or Two Herself), "i Bet He Did Really Well On His Sats.

Odd How It Was So Easy For A Stranger To Assume Such Familiarity. Especially When Those Who Were Supposed To Know You Best Often Didn't, Not At All.

Your Past Is Always Your Past. Even If You Forget It, It Remembers You.

As If He Was Beating Me To The Punch, His Words Living Forever, While I Was Left Speechless, No Rebuttal, No Words Left To Say.

No Relationship Is Perfect, Ever. There Are Always Some Ways You Have To Bend, To Compromise, To Give Something Up In Order To Gain Something Greater.

If There's One Thing I've Learned In The Last Few Months, It's That Sometimes You Just Have To Close Your Eyes And Jump.

There's Just Something Obvious About Emptiness, Even When You Try To Convince Yourself Otherwise.

I Think I'm Too Lazy A Writer To Do Something Like Historical Fiction. You Have To Do So Much Research. I Just Write What I Know.

Like A Blinking Cursor On An Empty Page, It Was Just The First Thing. The Beginning Of The Beginning. But At Least It Was Done.

You're Not A Sucker. You're Just Nice. You Give People The Benefit Of The Doubt.

The First Thing I Did When I Got Inside Was Turn On The Kitchen Light. Then I Moved To The Table, Putting My Dad's Ipod On The Speaker Dock, And A Bob Dylan Song Came On, The Notes Familiar. I Went Into The Living Room, Hitting The Switch There, Then Down The Hallway To My Room, Where I Did The Same. It Was Amazing What A Little Noise And Brightness Could Do To A House And A Life, How Much The Smallest Bit Of Each Could Change Everything. After All These Years Of Just Passing Through, I Was Beginning To Finally Feel At Home.

It Was Amazing How You Could Get So Far From Where You'd Planned, And Yet Find It Was Exactly Were You Needed To Be.

Now I Felt Like I Was Drifting, Sucked Down By An Undertow, And Too Far Out To Swim Back To The Shore.

Home Wasn't A Set House, Or A Single Town On A Map. It Was Wherever The People Who Loved You Were, Whenever You Were Together.

The Thing About Wes," Delia Said To Me, Unwrapping Another Package Of Turkey, "is That He Thinks He Can Fix Anything. And If He Can't Fix It, He Can At Least Do Something With The Pieces Of What's Broken.

Conciseness Is Underrated

It's The Same Thing,' I Told Her. 'what Is?' 'being Afraid And Being Alive.' 'no,' She Said Slowly, And Now It Was As If She Was Speaking A Language She Knew At First I Wouldn't Understand, The Very Words, Not To Mention The Concept, Being Foreign To Me. 'macy, No. It's Not.

I Don't Talk About My Books While I'm Writing Them: Not Even My Husband Knows What A Novel's About Until It's Done.

If You Didn't Love Him, This Never Would Have Happened. But You Did. And Accepting That Love And Everything That Followed It Is Part Of Letting It Go.

I Always Have A Goal, Even If I Keep It To Myself. It Allows Me To Keep Pushing Myself.

Apologies Come In All Shapes And Sizes. You Can Give Diamonds, Candy, Flowers, Or Just Your Deepest Heartfelt Sentiment.

How Do You Even Begin To Return To Someone, Much Less Convince Them To Do The Same For You? I Had No Idea. More Than Ever, Though, Right Then I Had To Believe The Answer Would Just Come To Me.

Love Is Needing Someone. Love Is Putting Up With Someone's Bad Qualities Because They Somehow Complete You.

Maybe It Was True, And Being A Girl Could Be About Interest Rates And Skinny Jeans, Riding Bikes And Wearing Pink. Not About Any One Thing, But Everything.

It All Depends On How You Choose To Live It. It's Like Forever, Always Changing.

You Want Me To Give Her A Key?" The Guy Asked. "i Want You To Give Her A Possibility," She Told Him, Looking At My Necklace Again. "and That's What A Key Represents. An Open Door, A Chance. You Know?

But The Original Was There As Well—more Jaded And Rudimentary, Functional Rather Than Romantic. It Fit Not Just The Yellow House But Another Door, Deep Within My Own Heart. One That Had Been Locked So Tight For So Long That I Was Afraid To Even Try It For Fear Of What Might Be On The Other Side

The Thing Is, You Can’t Always Have The Best Of Everything. Because For A Life To Be Real, You Need It All: Good And Bad, Beach And Concrete, The Familiar And The Unknown, Big Talkers And Small Towns.

I Knew That It Wouldn’t Last. It Was Just A Moment, A Perfect Moment, As Time Stood Still And Fleetingly Everything Fell Back Into Its Proper Place.

It Was Kind Of Soothing, These Sounds Of Lives Being Lived All Around Me, For Better Or For Worse. And There I Was, In The Middle Of Them All, Newly Reborn And Still Waiting For Mine To Begin.

I Took In A Breath. "what's The One Thing You'd Do," I Asked. "if You Could Do Anything?" Pass," He Said. For A Second I Was Sure I'd Heard Wrong. "what?" He Cleared His Throat. "i Said, I Pass." Why?" He Turned His Head And Looked At Me. "because." Because Why?" Because I Just Do.

I Listened For The Voice I Knew So Well, The One I Always Heard At The Beginning. Good Girl, Macy! You're Doing Great! You Know The First Steps Are The Hardest Part! They Were. Sometimes I Felt So Out Of Sync, It Was All Could Do Not To Quit After A Few Strides. But I Kept On, As I Did Now. I Had To, To Get To The Next Part, This Part, Where I Finally Caught Up With Wes, My Shadow Aligning Itself With His, An Dhe Turned To Look At Me, Pushing His Hair Our Of His Eyes.

Self Respect, Colie. If You Don't Have It, The World Will Walk All Over You.

When I Pictured Myself, It Was Always Like Just An Outline In A Colouring Book, With The Inside Not Yet Completed.

I Am Never Happy When I Finish A Book. I Always Start Feeling Good, And Then I Get To About Page 75 And Start Losing Momentum - And I Kind Of Pull It Together At The End, But By Then I Think It's Just All Over. It's Become Almost A Running Joke Among My Agent And My Editor - I Always Say That, So They Don't Take Me Seriously Anymore.

This Felt Right. Not Just Leaving, But How I Was Doing It. Without Regret, Without Second Guessing. And With Wes Right There, Holding The Door Open For Me As I Walked Out Into The Light.

That Was The Nice Thing About The Spot: You Could Hear Everything, But No One Could See You.

I Told You, Everyone Understands A Quest.

You Can't Just Turn Your Heart Off Like A Faucet; You Have To Go To The Source And Dry It Out, Drop By Drop.

We Laughed Ourselves Silly, Taking Back Our Shared Past, Gently, Piece By Piece.

It's Still A Memory Worth Having, Even If It's Not Exactly What You Imagined.

I Wondered If It Was Really Because He Cared About Me, Or If Now I Was Just Another Challenge.

"you Ready To Play?" Dave Asked, Bouncing It. "i Don't Know," I Said. "are You Going To Cheat?" "it's Street Ball!" He Said Checking It To Me. "show Me That Love." So Chessy, I Thought. But As I Felt It, Solid Against My Hands, I Did Feel Something. I Wasn't Sure It Was Love. Maybe What Remained Of It, Though, Whatever That Might Be. "all Right," I Said. "let's Play."

Family Isn’t Something That’s Supposed To Be Static, Or Set. People Marry In, Divorce Out. They’re Born, They Die. It’s Always Evolving, Turning Into Something Else.

"i Just Don't Know," I Said, My Voice Sounding Bumby, Not Like Mine, "how Do You Help Someone Who Doesn't Want Your Help. What Do You Do When You Can't Do Anything?"

I Think Having A Good Agent Is Key. I've Been With Mine For Ten Years Now, And She's Very Honest With Me. There Are A Lot Of Times I've Sent Her Books That Were Not So Good Because I Was Tired Of Writing, Or Panicked About Money, And She's Told Me Flat Out, "you Don't Want This To Be Your Next Book. Trust Me."

It Is Kind Of Hard To Hold A Lot In. But For Me… It’s Sometimes Even Harder To Let It Out.

As Isabel Acted Out Her Date, Both Of Them Laughing, I Stayed In The Kitchen, Out Of Sight, And Pretended She Was Telling Me, Too. And That, For Once, I Was Part Of This Hidden Language Of Laughter And Silliness And Girls That Was, Somehow, Friendship.

You Can't Act Like You Care About Someone But Not Let Them Care About You.

Cares About Someone

We Both Know The Limits Of This Relationship. It's Understood. And As Long As We're Both Comfortablewith That, Nobody Gets Hurt. It's Basic.

I Don't Know," I Said. "maybe You're Right, And All That Stuff I Think I Missed Is Overrated. Why Should I Even Bother? What's The Point Really?" He Thought For A Moment. "who Says There Has To Be A Point?" He Asked. "or A Reason. Maybe It's Just Something You Have To Do." He Moved Down To Start Bagging While I Just Stood There, Letting This Sink In. Just Something You Have To Do. No Excuse Or Rationale Necessary. I Kind Of Like That.

See For Me, It’s Immediate. Silence Is So Freaking Loud.' This Seemed Either Deep Or Deeply Oxymoronic. I Wasn’t Sure Which.

Says The Girl With No Thyme.

Look At It This Way: I Might Be Saying You're Fat, But At Least I'm Not Punching You In The Face.' Are Those The Only Options?' Not Always. Just Sometimes.

As He Heard Me Approach, He Quickly Leaped Up, Grabbing A Nearby Loaf Of Bread And Holding It In Front Of Him As If Struck By A Sudden Desire To Make A Sandwich.

The Lizard Stared Up At Us, And We Stared Back, Taking Each Other In. He Was Little And Defenseless, I Felt Sorry For Him Already. This Was A Screwed-up Place He'd Just Come Into. But He Didn't Have To Know That. Not Yet, Anyway. There In That Room, Where It Was Hot And Cramped, The World Probably Still Seemed Small Enough To Manage.

Editing Is Hard But Nowhere Near As Tough As Facing That Blank Page And Blinking Cursor Each Day. You're All Alone And No One Else Can Do It. At Least With Editing You Have Someone In The Trench With You.

I Just Have To Be Super Strong When It Comes To My Work Time. Shut The Browser, Ignore The Email Alerts, And Just Write.

This Was Just One Night, One Chance To Vary And See Where It Took Me. The Fireflies Were Probably Already Out: Maybe It Wasn’t Just A Season Or A Time But A Whole World I’d Forgotten. I’d Never Know Until I Stepped Out Into It. So I Did.

It's Always Been Hard To Call Myself A Writer. I Think A Part Of Me Still Thinks It's Too Good To Be True.

Too Good To Be True

I Mean, It's Impossible To Fake Anything If You've Already Seen The Other Person In A Way They'd Never Choose For You To. You Can't Go Back From That.

Sometimes, You Get Things Right The First Time. Others, The Second. But The Third Time, They Say, Is The Charm.

Right Now, Though, I Wanted Not To Think Forward Or Backward, But Only To Lose Myself In The Words.

…you Don’t Want The Best Of Times To Be Just One Thing, Forever. You Have To Have A Lot Of Bests Of Times, Each One Topping The Last. You Know?

She Fell, She Hurt, She Felt. She Lived. And For All The Tumble Of Her Experiences, She Still Had Hope. Maybe This Next Time Would Do The Trick. Or Maybe Not. But Unless You Stepped Into The Game, You Would Never Know.

So I Left Him There Alone To Watch History Repeat The Same Events Retold Again And Again On His Own.

Repeating History

I Was Beginning To See, Though, That The Unknown Wasn't Always The Greatest Thing To Fear. The People Who Know You Best Can Be Risker, Because The Words They Say And Things They Think Have The Potential To Be Not Only Scary But True, As Well.

The Chances We Take, Knowing No Better Than To Fall Or To Stand Back And Hold Ourselves In... Protecting Our Hearts With The Tightest Of Grips.

My Experience Is That Sequels Are Rarely As Good As The Originals.

I Think Whenever A Writer Is Really Enjoying Themselves And Liking What They Are Doing, That Shows On The Page.

Being Brave And Self-confident Doesn't Necessarily Start Inside...it Starts With The Rest Of The World, And It Leads Back To You.

It Wasn't About Being Happy Or Unhappy. I Just Didn't Want To Be Me Anymore.

What Do You Do When You Finally Hear Everything You've Always Thought Said Aloud?

There Has To Be A Middle. Without It, Nothing Can Ever Truly Be Whole. Because It Is Not Just The Space Between, But Also What Holds Everything Together.

I'd Chosen Instead To Just Change My Route, Go Miles Out Of The Way, As If Avoiding It Would Make It Go Away Once And For All.

I Wasn't Ready For This, But Then I Probably Never Would Be, And This Year, Like So Much Else, Wouldn't Wait. I Had No Choice But To Get Out Of My Car, With Everyone Watching And Begin In Earnest, Alone. So I Did

I'd Heard Of Evergreen Care Center Before. Cass And I Had Always Made Fun Of The Stupid Ads They Ran On Tv, Featuring Some Dragged-out Woman With A Limp Perm And Big, Painted-on Circles Under Her Eyes, Downing Vodka And Sobbing Uncontrollably. "we Can't Heal You At Evergreen", The Very Somber Voiceover Said. "but We Can Help You To Heal Yourself." It Had Become Our Own Running Joke, Applicable To Almost Anything. "hey Cass, "i'd Say, "hand Me That Toothpaste." "caitlin," She'd Say, Her Voice Dark And Serious. "i Can't Hand You The Toothpaste. But I Can Help You Hand The Toothpaste To Yourself.

You Know," I Told Him,"if You Don't Know How To Eat A Cupcake, That's Nothing To Be Ashamed Of." Now He Did Smile. "i Know How To Eat A Cupcake." "sure You Do." "i Do," He Said. "i Just Don't Want One Of Those." "yeah? Prove It.

A Second Later, When He Looked Up At Me, We Were Face To Face, And Again, Even Under These Circumstances, I Was Struck By How Good Looking He Was, In That Accidental, Doesn't-even-know-it Kind Of Way. Which Only Made It Worse. Or Better. Or Whatever. "yup", He Said, As If There'd Been Any Doubt, "you're In There, All Right." "i Was Warned, Too,"i Told Him, As He Stood Up. "i Just Saw That Sculpture, And I Got Distracted." "the Sculpture?" He Looked At It, Then At Me. "oh, Right. Because You Know It.

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