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The Only Two Tv Shows I Saw Do That, Where They Don't Warm Them Up And You Can Really Bomb, Was Saturday Night Live - And That's Why It Gets A Lot Of Heat, Too. Obviously It Gets Criticism Fairly, Too. But A Lot Of It Is Because Lorne [michaels] Lets The Audience Decide And Doesn't Force Them To Laugh.

-Norm MacDonald

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The Only Two Tv

Norm MacDonald

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The Only Two Tv Shows I Saw Do That, Where They Don't Warm Them Up And You Can Really Bomb, Was Saturday Night Live - And That's Why It Gets A Lot Of Heat, Too. Obviously It Gets Criticism Fairly, Too. But A Lot Of It Is Because Lorne [michaels] Lets The Audience Decide And Doesn't Force Them To Laugh.

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In Math, You Could Get 100 Percent. It Was Very Fair. That's What I Liked About Math. You Could Figure It Out, And The Teacher Couldn't Have A Stupid Opinion About It.

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If You're Looking For The Suspect In A Suicide Bombing, Here's A Clue: Look For The Dead Guy.

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I've Just Seen Really, Really Funny Guys, And If I Didn't Know Them, I Wouldn't Know They Were Funny From The Television. I Don't Know What It Does, It Just Sucks It Away.

All Kinds Of Violence On The Tv. You're Not Supposed To Watch Violence On The Tv. Children, They Can't Watch It 'cause They're Afraid Maybe The Kids Will Copy Something They See On The Tv. I Can't Even Get A Funny Cartoon Anymore Because Some 12-year-old Somewhere Watched A Particularly Violent Episode Of The Road Runner-coyote Show, And The Next Day, They Found Him At The Bottom Of A Canyon, Two Giant Springs Strapped To His Feet.

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The Only Two Tv Shows I Saw Do That, Where They Don't Warm Them Up And You Can Really Bomb, Was Saturday Night Live - And That's Why It Gets A Lot Of Heat, Too. Obviously It Gets Criticism Fairly, Too. But A Lot Of It Is Because Lorne [michaels] Lets The Audience Decide And Doesn't Force Them To Laugh.

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It Is Easier To Hate Those We Love, Than Love Those Whom We Have Hated.

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I Never Do Impressions, But I Probably Should. People Like That Stuff.

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The Standard Of Morals Is As Variable As Morals Themselves; Of Which Every Nation Has A Different Code, And Every Custom A Different Reading.

I Just Got Back From New York. You Ever Been There? There Was A Big Gay Parade Going On There When I Was There, And I Never Been To One Of Them, And I Like A Parade. I Always Like A Parade. So, I Go There, And It Turns Out, It's Just A Bunch Of Gay Guys.

Comedy Is Surprises, So If You're Intending To Make Somebody Laugh And They Don't Laugh, That's Funny.

Chastity Is Oftener Owing To Diffidence And Shame, Than To Fortitude Of Reason Or Virtue.

Jealousy Seldom Punishes With The Severity It Suffers.

Kenny G Has A Christmas Album Out This Year. Hey, Happy Birthday Jesus! Hope You Like Crap!

I Went To A Hypnotist. He Put Me Under A Spell, And Every Time I Had A Craving For A Cigarette, I Would Throw Up. It's Very Embarrassing Right After Sex. I Find It Pretty Hard To Get That Second Date After That. Girls Get All Snobby After You Barf On Them.

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Political Opinions

I Would Love To Stay At Snl Forever. But You Can't Stay In The Same Place. People Think You're A Loser.

Some Men Are Tempted To Violate Secrecy From The Uneasiness Secrecy Gives Them, And Others, Merely To Impress You With The Extent Of Their Confidence.

All That Weak People Learn From Disappointment, Is Less Confidence In Future Enterprise.

Yeah Man, They Call Gambling A Disease, But It's The Only Disease Where You Can Win A Bunch Of Money.

With The Ambitious, The Failure Of One Expedient Is The Suggestion Of Another; But With The Irresolute, Defeat Usually Occasions Abandonment Of Purpose.

Though You May Be Last To Discover Your Follies, Be Always First To Correct Them.

The Young Compliment Their Greatness On The Number Of Their Friends; The Old, On The Confidence Of Them.

We Advise Others Better Than Ourselves.

Louis [c.k.] Is Great. But I Don't Know How Many You Could Do.

You Ever Be Having A Really Good Dream, And Then, Uh- Right In The Middle Of The Dream You Wake Up, Right In The Best Part Of The Dream? And There You Are, Back In Your Stinkin' Life Again? Man, That's Rough, Eh?

Envy, Like A False Mirror, Distorts The Symmetry Of The Sweetest Form.

The Most Frequent Cause Of Regret For What We Have Done Is Because Its Effects Interfere With What We Would Do.

The Beginning Of Wisdom Is The Knowledge Of Folly.

Instead Of Loving Your Enemies, Have No Enemies To Love.

Loving Your Enemies

Most Men Appear Wiser In Their Doubts Than In Their Belief.

Oj Simpson Was In A Different Kind Of Courtroom This Week Attempting To Regain Custody Of His Two Children. In Order To Prove To The Court How Much He Loves His Kids, Oj Pointed Out Quote 'hey, They're Still Alive, Aren't They?'

I Don't Know Anything About Politics. Like, Zero. Nothing.

There Is A Very Prevalent Tenet With Youth, That Good Company Is Every Thing Desirable, And That Bad Is Even Better Than None.

The Praise We Seek For Our Own Virtues Sometimes Tempts Us To Flatter The Imperfections Of Other Men.

This Would Have Been A Great Game To Watch If We Didn't Have Any Money On It.

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